The DepresSelfish Podcast

Just for u z

Nate finishes up his 30-day sobriety goal while discussing not missing the blank spots in his memory, the five weapons (he forgot the meditation!), the longest scene in the world, Pepe Le Who-Gives-a-S*** and Looney Tunes Land, Teflon Man and his urine, the crap-eating cannibal, American Greed, videos with a jump-cut every four seconds, movie trailers with crescendoes every four seconds, childhood stories of sneaking and stealing, sniffing fresh spring flowers as a kid, and Instant Boner Pills® ... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate wields his insomnia as a tool for good as he talks about killing the momentum of his novel by discussing it, staying busy to dodge depression, the importance of having goals to make life bearable, being slow to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around him, his absolute earliest memories, “The Paddle” in public school back in the day, getting spanked by Dad, kids’ eyes being magnetically drawn to the TV whenever something they shouldn’t watch comes on, doing the same dumb thing 1,000 f***ing times and never learning from it, and cancel culture’s two latest casualties: six of Dr. Seuss’s books and the Amazon Shopping app’s “Hitler” icon... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

No summary, but I will say that there's some stuff here to enjoy. I have deleted the version of this episode where I was drinking and slurring my words. Frankly, because it was embarrassing. Some of these are repeated bits from other, numbered episodes, but not much. And how can you resist 3 of my favorite fart stories? Hey, at least there's no commercial in it. No ending either though - it just stops suddenly. Enjoy!

Nate says "40" a million times as he discusses his flaccid running gag, Kronk crashing his meditation, surrendering control and silencing the inner scoffer, fake bananas, the pucker walk, his first two “published” books, behind the scenes of the Brave Little Puppy (his book that’s still available for library checkout after 40 years!), working on his current novel, the little kid that still lives inside all of us, the utter humiliation of his homemade Mercury model, being able to say “that happened forty years ago!”, how turning 40 kicked his ass, the racist way that rock stations only play white rappers, and his absolutely most hated TV host... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

This episode is pretty serious, and mostly laugh-free. Nate talks at length about his new sobriety, how his life is going, he's worried about today being Day 1 of 40 that he's going to write his Mom's birthday novel, more worrying in the middle of the night, advice on fighting depression and how his own methods are working, the pitfalls and dangers of his prescription medication, the miserable hospital experience when his first son was born, the inspiring story of delivering his second son all by himself, and movie stars who use their necks and temples to act...  Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ ... Cover art forthcoming

Don’t be confused in the beginning by my saying that the sun is streaming in the window and that my son is streaming in the living room (online). 2 different suns that stream in 2 different ways, baby. Anyway, today Nate discusses his novel in progress, Pepsi’s answer to him on the Gatorade fruit punch scandal, an eye-glazingly dull update on his stopping drinking and changing his bad habits, getting a grip on your vices, writer’s envy, how King and Koontz have lost their way but not their sales, unfunny people who try too hard, the worst passage he’s ever read from a novel, the Talent/Taste Gap, “movie food lust,” and accidentally revealing his last name while teasing next episode’s upcoming story: delivering his newborn son... all by himself! ... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about fighting depression in 5 different ways, getting back to his most recent novel, his secret plan for Mom’s birthday, our obsession with true-crime stories, flying snake heads, education on survival and killer animals, the lack of reality in reality shows, yet another Key & Peele sketch recommendation, and the new wave of bald guys in America... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses getting kidnapped by depression, pushing on with the podcast (and its “missing episode”), giving another try to give up alcohol, not making outtakes/bloopers, the traumatic change to his fruit punch Gatorade, his hyper-sedentarism (severe laziness!), panting and sweating after showers, getting half a home haircut, checking out your tissues after blowing your nose, his 7-day juice-only diet, fussy people who correct your words, SE7EN (briefly), and actors who played a criminal and later committed that crime themselves... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about feeling like a tool practicing a new language to native speakers, reversing your perspectives, is he too negative as a podcast host?, valuable negative examples from your crappy parents, a five-year-old stuntman, times you were glad CPS wasn't watching, the diminished thrills of theaters and zoos, and which worms get his body's energy when he's dead and buried...  Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

DISCLAIMER: For whatever reason, this episode contains at least 5x the number of F-bombs in it than any other so far. Nate discusses being alone and bummed out on Christmas and in quarantine, how he's lost the ability to censor his own swearing, how you can help him not run out of podcast topics, Alex Rider, mysteriously vanishing household items, not having a visitor for the past six years, the shame of the Food Bank line, slippery smartphones and the pain they can bring your face, and the infamous "Google Trail"...  Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

(Note: When I say "classical jazz" this episode, what I meant was "smooth jazz"🤮) Nate talks about his cracking voice, method acting drunk, what kinds of aircraft he can fly, wearing a gun at air shows, inadvertently supporting racism through his silence, cliches in movies (including: danglers, wounds, sex scenes, toilets, & fake groceries), how nuts are actually scratched, and being judged by the song you have on... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses running out of material, children of divorce, self-love and -loathing, crappy Christmas presents, survival tips from a guy who’s never left his backyard, sexuality-based schoolyard insults and their ramifications later in life, homophobia in the military, and two stories about his dad that make him roll on the floor

Nate talks about confidence again (briefly), hosting a podcast about depression but not sounding depressed himself, people who drive everyone else crazy with their life hacks, paying for intentionally-bad haircuts with your kids, the stupid McRib (Pt.2), “pinch-d**k,” and the shame of being a male who cries easily. Correction: leave a voice message on Anchor, not Patreon (I said the wrong name at the end of the episode)... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate addresses a listener’s question, speaking extensively about depression (17 minutes’ worth, if you want to skip this laugh-free section) -- specifically about those people who neither have it nor understand it, and their reactions to those of us suffering from it (“Just suck it up!”); his trophy wife and male strangers openly challenging how he landed her, jealous grocery workers, abusing pine oil in the military, the comedic genius of Kevin Nealon, "Do I know you well enough to talk, or will a nod do?", and how to leave him a voice message... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses his brother, divorce, faking not being depressed, daring greatly like Teddy Roosevelt, The Ghost of DSSP Episode 10, regional differences in movies, when the volume is “all the way up,” nipple trauma, song products with creator’s stamps, the stupid McRib and why it’s only available occasionally, his neighbor's daily Onion Storm, and Big Brother: Facebook... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about being an outsider, “fake it till you make it” and other tips on confidence, befriending underdogs, times when he was a d**k, and his various crimes, including: stealing shirts, pizza assault, chat-room terrorism, and cockroach murder... plus an acute case of A.R.I., & catching his roommate polishing his doorknob. [BONUS FOR GHOST HUNTERS: I hear a ghostly background sigh at one point in this episode while I'm talking, mid-sentence. Post the time stamp of your guess!]... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses rent, mindful meditation to help depression and insomnia, being a financial alcoholic, providing a good negative example, being embarrassingly honest as a rule, the infamous episode of the wet pillow, his own commercial, non-stick pots, being a non-handyman, working on controlling his anger, scaring small women as a big guy, and the chicken sausage incident... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about his podcast’s weak title, word dementia, color dyslexia, belching on mike, car heartbreak, death rock radio, Cub Scout death, famous people he’s met, hating commercials (briefly!), good stand-up comics, and the two pains men aren’t allowed to talk about... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate goes deep complaining about his Facebook feed, Big Brother on your mobile phone, memes, George Takei and Mike Rowe, posts, talking too fast, hating commercials (Pt. 3), and his irrational phobias of balloons, getting lost in the woods, & the Golden Gate bridge... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses the hazardous side effects of depression on your wardrobe, verbal tendencies, facial fixations, the roughest boxing injury ever, standing up to his school bullies, dodging road rage, hating commercials (Pt. 2), and three quick 2019 movie recommendations... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about his military career, including: seeing the world, scooping exotic dung, making exotic friends, KP on his 21st birthday, being proud of getting in trouble 3,000 times during his 14 years of service, and his brush with death -- in the only story from his Air Force years that actually involves an aircraft... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses wake-up thoughts, old-man ninja reflexes, being “literally” stupid, his embarrassing addiction to viral wins and fail videos, an ’80s-phrase attack, and his own Bucket List: parachuting, bungee jumping, and trying stand-up comedy for the first time... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate talks about the creator’s high, laughing until you puke, Corey Feldman’s amazing music video, movies that scared you as an adult, entertainers you hated until you loved them, liking Die Hard in spite of Bruce Willis, and his 80%-finished Commando parody video... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Nate discusses reading news today vs. yesterday, confirmation numbers, a possibly-fictional $2000 bottle of wine, Mauro Renallo and obnoxious sportscasters, his wife’s language gaffes, aging knees, life stressors that don’t need to be stressors, and hating commercials (Pt. 1)... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Welcome to the DepresSelfish Podcast, with me -- Nate! Now a seamless transition to 3rd person: In this wholly optional first episode, Nate takes way too long explaining what his new podcast is about, as well as the community rules of the road. You won’t miss anything by skipping this one... Emoji credit: Copyright 2018 Twitter, Inc and other contributors Graphics licensed under CC-BY 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/