The Netflix Martyrs

Episode 11 - Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life Yep, that's the poster. We get real serious this week about a Lifetime Original Movie about one family being destroyed by an overbearing asshole mother played by an actress who has appeared naked in films no less than three times. Also: Finally a movie that finally answers the question "Switchfoot or Green Day," porno parties, and what would a Texas Chainsaw Massacre porn look like? (Stay tuned after the outro for outtakes and story time.) Starring: Kelly Lynch, Jeremy Sumpter, Lyndsey Fonseca Direct Download

Episode 10 - Branded The Netflix Martyrs sell out this week with Branded - a film about the evils of, uh, mascots? We talk cow sacrifices, marketing superheroes uncomfortable car sex and the second coming of Audrey Hepburn, Leelee Sobieski. Starring: Ed Stoppard, Leelee Sobieski, Max von Sydow, Jeffrey Tambor. Direct Download

Episode 09 - Aeon Flux Starring: Charlize Theron, Johnny Lee Miller, Frances McDormand Crimes: Being completely baffling, attempting to out-anime an anime, hilarious costuming, the main character being a walking Deus ex Machina, the main character hitting Resident Evil levels of untouchable "badassery," Francis McDormand's hair. Direct Download

Episode 08 - LOL Starring: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore, Thomas Jane, Fischer Stevens, Gina Gershon, Ashley Greene Crimes: Having a Hank Hill pancake ass, twerking on Beetlejuice, Tank Girl hair...wait what? Who? What movie? I didn't even know Miley Cyrus existed before this week. Direct Download

Episode 07 - Sudden Death Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Powers Boothe Crimes: NONE YOU IDIOT. Once lame June ends then the true holiday month can begin - JUNE-CLAUDE VAN DAMME. Okay I guess if there's one crime it's being a bit too Die Hard-y but is that so bad? (No.) Direct Download

Episode 06 - The Golden Child Starring: Eddie Murphy, Charles Dance, Victor Wong, James Hong, Charlotte Lewis, J.L. Reate Crimes: Eddie Murphy doing lazy Beverly Hills Cop, abysmal headwear, more racism, oatmeal as a plot device, Dragon rape, sullying the good voice of Dr. Claw, the weirdest claymation scene you will probably ever see in a film. Direct Download

Episode 05 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle Starring: Helen Mirren, Katie Holmes, Jeffrey Tambor, Barry Watson, Michael McKean, Marisa Coughlin. Crimes: Poor understanding of how schools work, poorer understanding of how scholarships work, magically appearing crossbows, the irony of incorrectly using irony, criminal misuse of actors and actresses way too good to be appearing in this shit, an unholy reference to "The Exorcist," the worst PG-13 editing in history. Direct Download

Episode 04 - Vibrations Starring: Christina Applegate, Paige Turco, Scott Cohen, James Marshall. Crimes: TJ's hair, taking a ridiculous premise extremely serious, random redneck attacks, improper handling of construction equipment, improper handling of welding equipment, improper handling of music equipment, "Anamika," Simeon's clothing, handwaving (heh) the sudden disappearance and presumed death of your son/boyfriend. Direct Download

Halfisode 04 - Rock Beats Everything The gang talks about wrestlers making the transition to movies. Are they awesome like The Rock? Or are they, well, everyone else? Direct Download

Episode 03 - Bounty Hunters Starring: Trish Stratus, Boomer Philips, Frank Zupancic Crimes: Virulent sexism; offensive to Asians, Italians, people who like good things; an overload of fan-service, upskirts, downshirts, catfights, main characters who are massive hypocrites, uninteresting actions scenes, allowing a man named Boomer to improv, allowing a pro wrestler to use wrestling moves in fights, the phrase "Rub and Tug," being the most Canadian movie since "Canadian Bacon." IMDB Score: 3.5/10   Direct Download

Halfisode 03 - MPDG This week: Spinning off of our "Elizabethtown" episode, we get a little weird with the concept of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Film criticism and philosophy make a surprise cameo. Song of the Week: Allo Darlin' - Woody Allen Direct Download

Episode 02 - Elizabethtown Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Jessica Biel, Judy Greer, Paula Deen Crimes: Overdosing on "Manic Pixie Dream Girl," trying to make Orlando Bloom a leading man, making us feel embarrassed for Susan Sarandon, crimes against accents, romance based on creepy stalkerness, 'Aw shucks Southern hospitality, making Paula Deen the most tolerable person in a group, "I guess this is all mostly about a shoe?" Netflix Average Rating: 3.2 IMDB Score: 6.3/10   Direct Download