The Therapy Gents

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael & Andy discuss the ways scrupulosity & perfectionism can affect people, how they interact with each other, and how to recognize the cycle and crack out of it. Enjoy!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the acronym "DARVO" - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Order. This is a common communication pattern for abusive/manipulative relationships. They discuss how to recognize and respond to it. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how to recognize the difference between actual PTSD/cPTSD and more stigmatized 'Trauma' that is often discussed on social media. Trauma symptoms according to the Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy answer several questions about various topics. Enjoy!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the imperative value of placing more focus on real people and connections that exist in day to day connection instead of being wrapped up in the hyperbole of scrolling and Internet personalities. 

Send us Fan MailIn Today's episode Michael and Andy explore factors that cause us to lose trust in ourselves. They explore how to recognize that lack of trust and more importantly: rebuild it.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss what people need in relationships- especially with regards to different genders and personality types. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael & Andy discuss how healing changes relationship dynamics. While this often times does lead to more healthy connection in our lives, it can also disrupt longstanding relationship dynamics as well. We hope you enjoy the episode! 

Send us Fan MailIn Today's episode Michael & Andy discuss YOLO! (You Only Live Once) mentalities and how at times they can become self destructive. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how to navigate setting boundaries with family and friends around the holidays! The holidays are meant to be a time of good cheer, not overwhelming resentment and stress. Naturally we'll have a little bit of both, but we hope this episode helps you reduce some of the latter. Enjoy!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss trauma, how to heal from it, and what the process of healing tends to look like. They also discuss the difference between single event and complex PTSD.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss several questions that we commonly get as therapists. Enjoy!

Send us Fan MailToday's episode Michael and Andy discuss parenting neurodivergent children. What is neurodivergence? What are some misconceptions? What are some tips and tricks for boundary setting? How can you increase emotional expression and understanding? Communication? These questions and more are addressed!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how damaging social media can be to our mental health and especially to our relationships when we allow outrage and division to permeate. They explore the recent assassination of Charlie Kirk and the aftermath as an example of how such division can influence our day to day lives and key relationships. 

Send us Fan MailIn Today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how trust in relationships can be difficult... especially when it is broken. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy analyze all of the mental health parallels they noticed while watching K-Pop Demon Hunters!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss anger as an emotion in all of its manifestations. Sometimes anger can be explosive and unhealthy, but it can also be very healthy to experience and express.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the Gottman's new book "Fight Right." Conflict is often viewed as a negative aspect of relationships but we're here to back up the Gottman's research: conflict need not be negative and destructive. Learning to 'Fight Right' is what makes... or breaks... most relationships.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michale and Andy discuss resentment and how it affects relationships. They explore what makes it so corrosive in relationships and how to address it.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the value of mental health diagnosis and what to watch out for in the day of social media and mental health TikTok.

Send us Fan MailIn this episode Michael Medley offers some guidance and keys to help improve your marriage and relationships. There are some clear patterns that show up in intimate relationships, being able to recognize these patterns in yourself and your marriage can lead to the change and hope you've been looking for. Michael outlines some differences between mature and immature behaviors that show up in relationships and have the potential to amplify them, or destroy them. Then we will explore 5 ways to build trust, and 5 rules to keep an argument on the healthy side of things. The episode closes with a simple thought on why we need boundaries in a marriage. Spoiler, the boundary is to help me know how to react in relation to someone else's behaviors. 

Send us Fan MailIn this episode Michael Medley, LPC give a brief book review of The 7 LOVE Agreements by Douglas Weiss. These agreements will help to improve your relationship and increase intimacy. The 7 LOVE Agreements include: 1. Faithfulness, 2. Patience, 3. Forgiveness, 4. Service, 5. Respect, 6. Kindness, and 7. Celebration. This episode gives a few examples for each agreement to help you better understand how you might be able to apply them to your marriage or relationship. We hope you enjoy this episode and please share it with those you love. If you have any questions please send us a message or email us at [email protected]. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy break down several ways you can vet therapists to find the best fit for you! They cover the value of the free 15 minute consult most therapists offer, what questions to ask a potential therapist, red flags to look out for and the value of recognizing when a therapist is no longer the best fit for you.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how valuable self care routines can be- but how they can also turn into something more like avoidance.

Send us Fan MailIn today's show Michael and Andy unpack the difference between guilt and shame and more importantly- how to address your shame when you do experience it.

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael & Andy break down emotional regulation and how to improve it in 5 steps!

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy break down EMDR therapy- what it is, why it's so effective, and some common misconceptions about it. Enjoy!

Send us Fan MailWhat is assertiveness and how do I develop it in a healthy manner?Assertiveness is the ability to say what you need, want, feel, or think in a positive, direct manner without being too aggressive or passive. Assertiveness allows healthy boundaries to be expressed and held. It also allows you to take others' feelings, thoughts, and position into account while holding your own feelings, thoughts, and positions as equal. How can my body language increase or decrease my assertiveness? TedTalk by Amy Cuddy = 2 minutes of a “high power pose” showed that testosterone increased 20% and cortisol decreased  25%. In the “low power pose” showed testosterone decreased 10% and cortisol increased 15%. The subtle difference between “Is this a bad time to talk?” and “Is this a good time to talk?”How to be assertive asking for something you want? ie. a raise, a vacation, something newDoes a part of me avoid being assertive? Why?Big 5 Aspect Scale Personality Test Agreeableness: Compassion and PolitenessConscientiousness: Industriousness and OrderlinessExtraversion: Enthusiasm and AssertivenessNeuroticism: Withdrawal and VolatilityOpenness: Intellect and AestheticsTOOLS:Role Playing Meditation and Grounding ExercisesCBT Thought Reframing Techniques Positive AffirmationsBoundaries Broken Record ie “No, I can’t.” Some Benefits: improve self-compassion, reduce anxiety, enhance interpersonal relationships, increase accountability, and healthy boundaries.Assertive = Clear, direct, and respectful.Passive = Avoids conflict, sacrifices own needs.Aggressive = Disrespectful, forceful, or hostile.Truth Exercise from ‘Fight Right’ by the Gottmans

Send us Fan MailTechnical/Psychological Definition:Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which individuals develop an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person, often to the detriment of their own well-being. It is commonly associated with relationships where one person enables another's addiction, poor mental health, or irresponsibility, and it often stems from early attachment issues, trauma, or dysfunctional family dynamics.Layman’s Definition:Codependency is when someone puts other people's needs ahead of their own so much that they lose themselves. They might feel responsible for fixing others' problems, struggle to say no, and have a hard time knowing what they truly want or need.Where it begins: Childhood experiences and family dynamics (e.g., emotionally unavailable or unpredictable caregivers, growing up in an environment of addiction, neglect, or enmeshment)Cultural and societal factors that reinforce self-sacrifice and people-pleasingIndicators (Set Boundaries, Find Peace)When Emotionally Flooded: We will respond with Fight, Flight, Freeze reactions when boundaries are challenged. Being flooded or emotionally overwhelmed can keep the cycles going. It is important to recognize and manage emotional flooding to regain clarity.Skills & Tools for ChangeLearning self-awareness and self-compassionPracticing assertive communicationMindfulness and emotional regulation techniquesBuilding self-worth independent of external validation Establishing Healthy BoundariesIdentifying personal limits and needsHow to say “no” without guiltRecognizing manipulative tactics and holding firm boundariesDeveloping interdependence instead of codependence (What is INTERDEPENDENCE?)Interdependence fosters secure attachment, mutual respect, and personal growth within relationships. It allows people to have mutually benefitting relationships without losing who they are individually. 

Send us Fan MailEp. 070 Types of SeparationsWhat are some reasons people may think about separation? The “Deal Breakers” vs the Small Perpetual Problems. (Othen times the “deal breakers” we proclaim in the beginning are more solvable after years of marriage, and the smaller perpetual problems are the ones that tear us apart.) Deal Breaker: issues or behaviors that threaten the relationship: boundary violations, value changes, violations of trust, respect, safety, betrayal, and abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological. Perpetual Problems: repetitive, recurring, or frequent disagreements or differences in personality traits and lifestyle patterns that are not harmful to the relationship, yet they cause tension, frustration, and arguments. Why do couples choose to stay together even during difficult times? (The chaos I know is better than the chaos I don’t know.)What is the difference between a Therapeutic Separation and a Separation? Therapeutic Separation:Goal: Aims to repair and improve the relationship.Guidance: Often facilitated by a therapist or counselor.Structure: Establishes clear rules, timelines, goals for individual and couple, boundaries around physical touch/intimacy, time with kids, finances, and who moves outFocus: Promotes self-growth and reflection for both partners while addressing the root issues in therapy. (abuse, addiction, codependency, infidelity, parenting, ect)Outcome: Designed to help couples make an informed decision about their future together.Standard Separation:Goal: Typically involves living apart with no structured plan or therapeutic involvement.Guidance: May not involve professional assistance.Structure: Often informal and open-ended, with fewer agreed-upon terms.Focus: Allows space for individual reflection without necessarily working on the relationship.Outcome: Often leads to either divorce or reconciliation without a clear roadmap.

Send us Fan Mail“What’s one thing you’d like to accomplish this year?”Common Pitfalls with ResolutionsUse the SMART framework (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant,Time-bound).Staying Engaged with GoalsTrack Progress:○ Use apps, journals, or habit trackers to monitor your journey.○ Celebrate small wins to maintain momentum.Adjust as Needed:○ Goals aren’t set in stone; life changes, so should your plans.○ Regularly review and tweak your goals.Build a Support Network:○ Surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.○ Share your progress with them to stay accountable.Reward Yourself:○ Set milestones and treat yourself when you achieve them.○ Keep rewards aligned with your goals (e.g., a new workout outfit for fitness milestones).

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the phenomenon of "Phubbing" aka: snubbing somebody in your real life because your attention is on your phone. They break down research, ways to be self aware and not lose sight of valuable human connection at the expense of small dopamine hits from your phone!

Send us Fan MailEP. 067: Wisdom from QuotesDr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife - “We prefer the fantasy that we are owed happiness to the idea that we need to take responsibility for creating it.”Hippocrates - “Before you heal someone, ask him if he’s willing to give up the things that make him sick.”Lao Tzu - “Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance.” Epicurus - “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”CS Lewis - “Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”

Send us Fan Mail

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss their experience with elections through the years, their thoughts on the right to vote, how to have political conversations with friends and family, and important self care tips for election night when the stakes feel high. 

Send us Fan MailBlood FloodRetirement and AgingGenetics Head TraumaToxinsMental HealthImmunity and InfectionsNeurohormone IssuesDiabesitySleep 

Send us Fan MailEp. 064 Fight Right - A Gottman Book ReviewPlato: “Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”Epictetus: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”“It is not what you say, but how you say it.”Cicero: “In anger, nothing right or judicious can be done.”What do we really fight about? Most often NOTHING - meaning anything can turn into a fightBids for Connection - “anything you do or your partner does to try to get the other person’s attention and connection with them.” Turn Towards - respond positivelyTurn Away - ignore or delay response, “In a minute”Turn Against - respond negativelyTwo Types of Fights: Solvable vs PerpetualNearly 70% of all fights fall into the perpetual category. - “There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with these points of conflict - to accept that they are there and to approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.”Major cause of a fight is when we dismiss our spouse’s negative emotions.The Five Fights Everyone Has.The Bomb Drop: - Mistake: Starting off Wrong The Harsh Start-UpYou Criticize You Describe Your Partner Instead of YourselfThe Flood: - Mistake: Attacking, Defending, WithdrawingExpress Your Needs. Don’t assume your spouse knows what they are.Small Repairs During ConflictThe Shallows: - Mistake: Skimming the SurfaceGridlockConflicts leave you feeling rejectedTalk and talk  about issue and make zero progressFeel worse after talking, continued conflicts hurtThe Standoff: - Mistake: Competing to WinTrying to Persuade not UnderstandThe Chasm in the Room: - Mistake: Stewing about the fightFeelings - your own, not your partnersRealities - your reality, take turns, summarize and validateTriggers - what memories or experiences are escalating things nowResponsibility - your part of the problem Constructive Planning - together, plan one way that each of you can make it better next time. 

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy address several questions. They discuss mental health in our current political climate, the effect of mental health influencers and technology, religious trauma vs faith deconstruction, and how to discuss difficult topics such as suicide with your children. 

Send us Fan MailWhere have all the good men gone? What makes a healthy masculine man? Healthy masculinity is based on balance, meekness, strength, humility, vulnerability, accountability, protection, chivalry, boundaries, and will create a space for the emotions of his female partner. The ability to listen with your ears and through your body.The Calm in the Storm - being able to regulate your nervous system while things are falling apart around you and co-regulate with others instead of escalating the situation. Knowing the difference between compassion and empathy. And when to appropriately use one versus the other. Yin and Yang (Feminine and Masculine) - balance, complementary, pro-dependent not co-dependent, hold a part of the other in themself. Tools for the healthy masculine - Embrace emotions, develop anti-fragility, personal work (meditation, exercise, hobbies, ect.), respect your own boundaries and those of others, look for a strong father figure / role model or become one for a young man, develop assertiveness not aggression, work toward understanding and influence not control and power.Could part of the decline of Healthy Masculinity be connected to the increased messaging of Toxic Masculinity?

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy explore the concept of discipline. Where it's useful, how to improve it, and why it can sometimes be a topic that makes us recoil a bit!

Send us Fan MailToday we are going to talk about the dark and insidious world of gaslighting. From the early 1939 play titled ‘Gaslight’ to the present psychological damage caused by gaslighting. We will tackle it all….. Hopefully. Basic definition is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person seeks to make another person doubt their perceptions, memory, or reality. Sarah Morales defines it as “When a person (or group of people) through covert behaviors convinces another person that what they think, believe, perceive or feel is inaccurate or invalid.” sarahmoralescoaching.comCommon traits and tactics of the gaslighter.  [DISCLAIMER: Not all quotes are gaslighting]Denial of facts, change how thing happened: say “you’re just not remembering it right”Trivialize or Dismiss feelingings: say “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting, it’s really not that big a deal” or “why would you get so worked up over something so small”Omit important information: this leads to being misinformed and the gaslighter can manipulate with “more” informationBlame: say “it’s all your fault” or switch the blame back onto himself by saying something like, “you’re right it’s always my fault, I don’t know why you’re with me anyway.”Undermine Confidence and create Confusion and Doubt: this causes a lot of second guessing and evolves to apologizing for things you didn’t do.Isolate the Victim: The more alone the victim is, the harder it becomes to see reality. This also creates a co-dependent relationshipShifting of the Narrative: Go read ‘1984’ by George Orwell, and how the “memory hole” is used to change public narrative and history. How to Defend Yourself and Come Out on TopTrust your perception: Keep a journal, write down the conversations you have, how did you feel, what do you remember happening in the moment. Seek external validation: trusted family, friends, professional help, can all help you see a broader perspective of what might be happeningStick to one topic: avoid arguing about multiple topics, or realities, at one time. Set Boundaries: these will cover many areas of the relationshipIncrease self-care and support systemAssertiveness TrainingPrepare to walk away and get legal support

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy give some tips for dealing with back to school struggles that emerge- especially for parents!

Send us Fan Mail

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy discuss several lessons they've learned from being therapists. These lessons are not just about how they've grown as therapists, but how being a therapist has helped enrich their lives and more!

Send us Fan Mail

Send us Fan MailEp. 055: Marriage and Attachment StylesCan you give me any specific advice on how to deal with stonewalling in my marriage? How can I (as an anxious attachment style) better handle some of my negative thoughts towards my spouse, (an avoidant attachment style)? I know it’s probably not about me, but when my spouse shuts down and isn’t willing to communicate and share feelings, I start to feel crazy inside. At times I feel treated as though I don’t exist?Demon Dialogues (Sue Johnson’s work, Hold Me Tight)Finding the Bad Guy: We feel emotionally unsafe, we look for blame, we need help to get things back into control. Anxious may blame self and fawn over spouseAvoidant may blame spouseProtest Polka: Trying to get a response that connects and reassures. Often one partner is demanding, while the other partner is withdrawing. This is the negative dance each relationship has: When you… I … Freeze and Flee: The pursuing partner stops trying for attention and backs off, over time the withdrawn partner can give up also and the relationship becomes stagnant. We become good roommates and can even manage the kids well at times. AvoidantEmotional Distance: People with avoidant attachment often keep emotional distance from others. They may struggle with intimacy and feel uncomfortable with close relationships.Self-Reliance: They tend to be highly independent and rely on themselves rather than seeking support from others.Discomfort with Closeness: They might feel uneasy when others get too close emotionally and might push people away to maintain their personal space.Minimizing Feelings: These individuals often downplay their feelings and avoid discussing emotions, sometimes even with themselves.Difficulty with Vulnerability: They find it hard to be vulnerable and may avoid situations where they need to depend on others.AnxiousHigh Anxiety and Insecurity: Individuals with anxious attachment often feel insecure about their relationships and worry about being abandoned or not being loved.Clinginess: They may display clingy or needy behavior, constantly seeking reassurance and validation from their partners or friends.Fear of Abandonment: There is a pervasive fear of being left or rejected, leading to hypervigilance regarding their relationships.Emotional Overdependence: These individuals tend to rely heavily on others for emotional support and validation.Intense Emotional Reactions: They often experience intense emotions and may overreact to perceived slights or signs of rejection.

Send us Fan MailBook: Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Baruch Spinoza - “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.”Byron Katie: “A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”  (from her book Loving What Is)Three Types of Attachment Styles.Secure - people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving, able to address single topics without it turning into personal attacks or being generalized to many topics, reliable, consistent, and trustworthy Anxious - people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back, heightened sense of threats to the relationship (which can lead to misinterpretations of emotions) Avoidant - people equate intimacy with a  loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness, self-sufficiency over dependency, tend to repress emotionsEach form of attachment has it’s own view of 1) intimacy and togetherness, 2) how to deal with conflict, 3) attitude toward sex, 4) ability to communicate wishes and needs, and 5) their expectations from their partner and the relationshipFive Secure Principles for Resolving ConflictShow basic concern for the other person’s well-beingMaintain focus on the problem at handRefrain from generalizing the conflictBe willing to engageEffectively communicate feelings and needs“Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health.” (page 246)“When there’s a willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel that they’re being heard and it brings both parties closer together.” (page 248)

Send us Fan MailIn today's episode Michael and Andy address several quick hitting topics and questions. If you want your question to be included in a future podcast- please take advantage of the new text us feature above!

Send us Fan MailSeneca - “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It is because we dare not venture that they are difficult.”“There is no growth in the comfort zone, and there is no comfort in the growth zone.” Safety ➡️➡️➡️ Challenge ➡️➡️➡️ Overwhelmed ⤵️   ⬆️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️What is anxiety? Defined by Dictionary.com - “1.distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 2.earnest but tense desire. 3. A state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.”What is depression?Defined by Dictionary.com - “a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Dullness or inactivityHow can we properly calculate what is a healthy ‘challenge’ or risk to take? What happens when the ‘challenge’ causes me to be ‘overwhelmed’?How can I learn to ask for help?  - Set a goal to accept any help that is offered for a day, a week, a month, or longer. Notice areas you can already ask for help and then compare it to areas you struggle asking for help, what is the difference between them?List of common Cognitive Distortions and discussion on how they hold us back in safety. 

Send us Fan MailEp. 051 Self-CompassionSelf-Compassion = Way of relating to the self kindly and accepting who we are and how we are. The 3 elements of Self-Compassion are: 1. Kindness; 2. Common Humanity; and 3. Mindfulness. In other words - It is a loving, connected presence with self. Self-Esteem = Global evaluation of self, increases the thought or belief that I have to be special, research has shown a strong correlation to the increase of narcissism since self-esteem movement started, perfectionism, inadequacy, and it is contingent on success.Self-Kindness vs Self-JudgmentCommon Humanity vs IsolationMindfulness vs Over-identificationPhysiological effects of self-criticism - triggers the sympathetic nervous system (Fight or Flight) response, you are the attacker and the attacked at the same time. Self-pity is the enemy of Self-CompassionConnection with self and others activates the parasympathetic nervous system (Rest and Digest)Self-Compassion has very few pitfalls in its practice. There are no comparisons, no association to narcissism or perfectionism. Christopher Germer - “Love reveals everything unlike itself” This is why it is common that people will think they are doing it “wrong” because as they begin to be self-compassionate they often feel opposite. Carl Jung - “Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”Eckhart Tolle - “Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”Exercise 2: Self-Compassion BreakThink of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.Now, say to yourself:1. This is a moment of sufferingThat’s mindfulness. Other options include:This hurts.Ouch.This is stress.2. Suffering is a part of lifeThat’s common humanity. Other options include:Other people feel this way.I’m not alone.We all struggle in our lives.Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.Say to yourself:3. May I be kind to myselfYou can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:May I give myself the compassion that I needMay I learn to accept myself as I amMay I forgive myselfMay I be strong.May I be patient