The Ward

Ever have one of those days? Weeks? Year and a Halfs? Fret not, for Eight has finally smuggled out a bit of audio for your precious virgin ear-holes!  This is a quick update. And probably safe for work. Depending on your line of work. You know what? Why risk it. Probably best to play all of our episodes over the loudspeakers at your place of business. Customers can't get enough of Dessicated Mouse. (At least that is what Dessicated Mouse tells me.) For free anole dating advice, email us at: [email protected]

Bush tentacles, potato chip security advice, and petting pretty grass! Eight continues on his perilous jog through the cold wilderness while explaining recent happenings and the consequences of having sexy hips. (Podcast may or may not involve gerbils.) Send comments, feedback, or carrot-related recipes to: [email protected]

Eight returns! From his Surprise Extended-Stay All-Expenses-Paid Involuntary Vacation! Will you join him for a bit of fresh air? Pretty rocks, suspicious birds, hungry beasts, and psych meds... a typical American outing. (At the time of this recording, he has not been eaten by wolves. But he is still looking for that elusive group.) Editors Note: Eight better be very grateful for the long-suffering JARED who received the audio over the phone at 4AM with no explanation other than something terrifying screaming in the background. (Screaming not included in the podcast, you're welcome). While this was probably recorded on a half-eaten potato, the sleep-deprived miracle-worker has done their very best. And will now get much needed sleep.  If you want jogging advice, a detailed description of some random rock, or just want to say hello...  Contact us at: [email protected]

Eight explores magic, holy books, broccoli sobriety, and the only Irish word he knows. A must listen for any cat person who is off their meds! Send adoration to: [email protected]

Storytime with Eight! A slice of October fashion tips, mostly Satan-free. (Any likeness to actual events and insane cultist dogma is possibly but not necessarily coincidental and does not necessarily reflect the actual views of your next door neighbor who has been staring at you through your window when you aren't looking.) Tasty rocks, hatemail, and adoration can be sent to: [email protected]

Eight almost get's killed by clothes, The CIA periodically scrambles the audio (Terribly sorry about that... We'll be increasing the tinfoil budget), and Squirrels. So. Many. Squirrels. So everybody close your eyes! We're gunna leave Jesus a voicemail... Also, hold your chakra angel blessing lightwork healing reiki Orgonite close and strap yourself in for a listener feedback rant! If you want to be absolved of your epoxy resin sins, drop us a line at: [email protected] If you are a sadist, we can also be reached at: [email protected] (But why would you do that to poor Eight?)

Eight comments on his first comment! Which was promptly deleted by the bean people, but in the immortal words of Jean Luc Picard: "It's too late. I saw everything!" Speaking of beans, so many are spilled. Mind the mess. This podcast was recorded with the help of "Technology." It almost wasn't recorded at all because of Eight's "Brain." But thanks to "Technology" you are now able to enjoy the happiest evening of your life! To accept Eight's modest proposal, and be counted amongst the many blushing brides (or grooms, we don't judge) , email us at: [email protected]  

"We're here to watch people sleep, not judge their cookbooks..." Have you ever wondered about rocks? Well we have you covered! From rocks, to Japanese tea, to cat crispies; Eight makes sure you get a well-rounded education. Write in to: [email protected]  

Don't fall prey to the knotty liches, They'll steal your rocks and confuse your stitches! Eight deals with the worst tutorial known to man, so protect your orifices! (Except your ears, of course.) "String is the thing in which to catch the conscience of the King!" -Shakespeare (probably) Also, So sorry TogaGirl. You may have to wait for the Russian crime lords to overtake the undead before I can master the forbidden arts. Until then, everyone can swear fealty at: [email protected]  

Happy New Year! Do you think you deserve 2021? Do you?! DO YOU?!?! Well, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Eight is in no way an arsonist. No squirrels were harmed in the making of this video. Please direct all rodent-related inquiries to: [email protected] Non-rodent-related inquiries can be sent by mail to: Justin Trudeau

Join Eight for a fireside story this Halloween! Lavish praise upon us at: [email protected]  

Eight endures the incompetence of mortals, explosive Dr. Pepper, and ponders the procreative chances of Mr. Bajingajad. If you are not currently wielding a chainsaw, you can contact us at: [email protected]  

Eight talks about the joys (or unjoys) of microwave popcorn, meditation with a certain rock star, and has another heart to heart with a righteous walking buddy. If you are in desperate need of Taco Bell but don't know the natural signs to find one, this episode is for you! Send all occult knowledge or Ikea instructions to: [email protected]

Eight talks about how not to introduce cops to your crispy friends, struggles to wake up, and addresses cabbage-induced meditation practice. Relax to a special guided meditation by Eight at the end of the episode! Join the movement to get the police to replace Eight's Crunchwrap Supreme and Contact us at: [email protected]  

Eight explores the urban jungle while learning about bridge art, mounty slander, and stupid dog faces. (May contain sandwich related content. Pickle discretion is advised.) Sandwich Emergency Hotline: [email protected]  

Have you been feeling stimulated lately? Eight gives you a quickie as he waits in line for the patron saint of customer service and makes sweet music just for you! (Eight is not a professional musician. This music does not constitute musical advice.) Enrage a sloth with poorly written limericks: [email protected]

What is this? Christmas in July?! In this episode a listener wins a prize! Learn the secrets of bean inception, and help Eight plan his funeral. Reserve your front row funeral seats by writing in at: [email protected] It'll be a shark party nobody will forget! (Exact date yet to be determined.)

Eight attempts a podcast before his meds kick in, Talks about prepper channels on youtube, and shares heartwarming stories about Bible School. Unfortunately the meds kicked in before the intricacies of Mounty hopscotch could be discussed, but never fear! There is always next time. Contact the CIA: [email protected] Checkout The Canadian Prepper's Youtube Channel (and search for the American Prepper vids): https://www.youtube.com/user/CanadianPrepper33/

Are you ready to be fancy? I'm ready to be fancy. Eight experiences the Deli counter in a local supermarket, teaches you how to taste water like a pro, and still hasn't gotten any sleep. Contact us: [email protected]

A simple web search sends Eight off on a rant involving a podcast with a similar name. Are there even bears in the UK? Bots, propaganda, lies, and inappropriate (or very appropriate) responses to seeing swimming pools. (Do you even eat broccoli, bro?) Contact: [email protected]

I'll give you a hint, it isn't yoga... Updates in the war against squirrels, togas, and other needful information. Contact: [email protected]

Guess where you can put this podcast? The great doctor 穴 明光 can help you find out! Has Eight gotten any sleep? Has the 1000 year war with the squirrels finally ended? Become enlightened from the bottom up by listening to this podcast! Contact: [email protected]

Clocks and squirrels are the devil's playthings. When will Eight get some sleep? Contact us: [email protected]  

Did you ever wish your podcast spent almost an hour talking about shampoo? Well, do I have a treat for you! Drop Eight a line at: [email protected] (Seriously though, Trevor... You should be ashamed of yourself.)

Holidays, shrubbery, and festive arson. Thank your chair for it's brave service! (This episode does not constitute financial advice! Also not from concentrate.) Contact Us: [email protected] "It's Your Podcast! Use it when YOU need it!"

The curious link between narcolepsy, bird breasts, and 4k television sets. A Black Friday special! Contact us: [email protected]

It was all the chihuahua's fault. contact: [email protected]

Eight gives insights into goats, relationships, and random encounters with unexpected sexual advances. Contact Eight at: [email protected]  

How to get arrested at Wal-Mart, The mysteries of Canadian blended whiskey, and other assorted randomness. (Who can afford 5 cucumbers?) Reach me at: [email protected]

The secret to why I haven't been around for a bit. The best relatives you can buy! (Hint, they were free and you get what you pay for). And the start of a new adventure!   Subscribe!: https://theward.libsyn.com/ Email: [email protected] Twitter: ...I kinda forgot. maybe @thewardpodcast_    ????  

Eight selflessly sacrifices his health for you, Frozen is Dead!, and a correction about bear nipples. Miracle Max approved. Feedback: [email protected] Subscribe: Itunes, Stitcher, or at https://theward.libsyn.com Twitter: @TheWardPodcast_

Lying to children, the origins of Easter, Twitter Hell, and the best alarm clock ever! (Definitely not a podcast about necrophiliac ducks). Feedback: [email protected] Subscribe: https://theward.libsyn.com Twitter: @TheWardPodcast_  

The mysteries of St. Patrick's Day revealed, how cookies and milk can save lives, and a recipe that will make even the most hipster barista jealous! Subscribe: https://theward.libsyn.com Feedback: [email protected] Twitter: @thewardpodcast_  

The Rat rats on Eight (again), Secret construction paper messages, multinational syndicates, and a foliage-based conspiracy. Beware of senators! Feedback: [email protected] Twitter: @TheWardPodcast_ Subscribe: https://theward.libsyn.com  

Did you seriously think you were going to heaven? Special episode thanks to the magics of Jared and a few stints in solitary. Lucky number 13 my party people! Subscribe at: https://theward.libsyn.com Hatemail (or Love-letters) to: [email protected] Twitter: @thewardpodcast_  

Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, a rundown of various types of sports, and the secret martial art that became the modern game of golf. Also, thoughts on uncouth methods of castration. Feedback: [email protected] web: https://theward.libsyn.com Twitter: @TheWardPodcast_  

What happens when you put fruit on the bottom, Roman antics, and proof that demons aren't impressed with pastels. Contact us: [email protected] Twitter: @thewardpodcast_ Subscribe: https://theward.libsyn.com  

President Trump wants to force-feed America's poor! A rant about government "nutrition" and a listener solves the first puzzle. Airborne squirrels. Contact us: [email protected] Subscribe on Itunes, Stitcher, or at TheWard.libsyn.com

Elon Musk, forbidden romance, and Roman decadence for the Valentines holiday! Settle your blood feuds and take a crack at the week's puzzle before Eight gets medicated out of his mind. Write Us: [email protected] Subscribe: Itunes (search for "carrot cake meatloaf"), Stitcher, or at http://theward.libsyn.com  

An historic event in which three moons rise on the same day, Eight gets confused which pod is which (and doesn't realize it), and practical advice about hair dryers. It's in the DNA. Contact us at: [email protected] Temporary Website: theward.libsyn.com Also find us on iTunes (search for: Carrot Cake Meatloaf), Stitcher, or a podcast player near you! Subscribe and rate if you think it's great!

There is no such thing as a tostada, damnit! There is no such thing as a tostada! Those are called chalupas and a poor excuse for one at that! Taco Bell... oh Taco Bell... Anyways, This episode is filled with crack and chalupas. Carrot ecstasy!

Mouse racism, wall climbing, and the truth about horses. The Ward has been infiltrated!

Summon Satan for mental health! A visit from the phone fairy, Netflix, and the plague.

The magic of music, my tragic fall from grace, and our first puzzle! The government shuts down.

The wonders of Canada/Washington, Desiccated Mouse's first fan, and the eternal wisdom of Disney's Frozen. Also, the truth about Time and my recent promotion!

The Tao of Skittles, an examination of Jared's existential reality (and popularity), and my rise as the Messiah of Generation X. Fake missile alerts!

First Episode! Wherein we talk about prisons, Desiccated Mouse's special birthday recipe, and insomnia caused by murderous roomies. A day in the life...