The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose three or four teeth in a game, while never leaving the ice. In American football, 49ers defensive back Ronnie Lott once had part of his pinkie finger amputated so he could keep playing.But in soccer, sometimes it’s difficult to tell how serious the injury is. Or if there’s even an actual injury.With that in mind, here’s what to look for during the 2018 World Cup:Player Falls To Ground Holding His Ear.The player has just heard Nicky Jam and Will Smith’s World Cup anthem “Live It Up” played somewhere in the stadium. After ample time to check and recheck their ears for blood, the player will be able to resume game activities.If for some reason, Shakira’s “Waka Waka” has been mistakenly played, they may need to be stretchered off and get a squirt from a Gatorade bottle.Player Falls To Ground And Rolls Twice.The log roll injury display is a popular form of injury that will require the attention of the head referee and stop the game. Generally, the more rolls the player completes, the less severe the injury actually is. If it’s half roll, though, recovery might necessitate a slow walk to the touchline, a quick jog to restore function to injured area (wherever it is), and a squirt from a Gatorade bottle.Player Falls To Ground After Being On The Receiving End Of A Head Butt.You can’t be too careful with a head injury. That’s why it’s best to go down before any contact can take place and then writhe on the ground, holding your cranium, and thinking about what might’ve happened.Play can resume after you walk off the pitch, give your head and face a squirt with the Gatorade bottle to remove any non-concussion concussion symptoms.Two Players Fall To Ground After Knocking Heads Together.Soccer is m

Keep In Sync With Your Body’s Sleep CycleWe know maintaining a proper sleep schedule can be tough. Life can often get in the way of a good night’s rest. Late nights at the office. An evening of pub trivia. Or maybe you just need to clutch onto every single precious moment you have to yourself, so you get stoned and watch The Office until two in the morning. Today is the perfect day to start a new you. Remember, discipline is the first milestone on the road to restfulness.Exercise During the DayExercise can reduce stress levels, mitigate insomnia symptoms, and contribute to more restful shut-eye. Experts recommend twenty to thirty minutes of brisk, moderate cardiovascular activity every day, such as walking or jogging, and caution that five to ten minutes of quick, rhythmic exercises working mainly the right wrist are an ineffective substitute. We know, it’s been three months since Julie moved out, and yes, you probably shouldn’t have yelled at your parents on the phone like that. Maybe try joining a club soccer team?Wind Down and Clear Your HeadNo one can fall asleep with a mind chock-full of anxiety and stress. Rather than spending the night tossing and turning, take some time before bed to center yourself and release the thoughts that swirl around in your brain. Practice deep breathing. Meditate. Call your brother back and forgive him for stealing your Jeep Grand Cherokee. We understand that relationship is loaded, but you need to understand that addiction is a disease. And it’s not like you have everything in your life under control. Who showed up high to brunch with Julie’s parents that one time? Sure, it was just a little pot, but Julie had a point. That’s just one example of something you shouldn’t be thinking about before you go to bed. Breathe.Improve Your Sl

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves.  We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.Episode 1. Release of Libera

Listen to this article!https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/WH-wedding-emails-HM.mp3Dear Mary,I regret to inform you that I will be unable to move forward with attending your wedding this spring. Unfortunately, I receive a number of qualified applicants, and I have to choose wisely. I don’t usually give feedback, but in this case, the wedding you’ve submitted is not a culture fit for my social life because you’ve failed to provide information on whether or not there will be an open bar.Best of luck in your future endeavors,GinnyDear Sarah,After careful consideration, I have to report that I’m unable to add your wedding to my social calendar. I have a 10% acceptance rate on wedding invitations, and unfortunately, another wedding that same weekend is a better fit. The wedding you’ve invited me to appears to be a green card marriage, and, while I want only the best for you, I’ve decided that a real marriage between two people who know each other is more qualified. Please don’t hesitate to reach out again in the future if you are getting married again.Best of luck in your future endeavors,GinnyDear Mark,On behalf of myself, I want to thank you for taking the time to invite me to your wedding. I apologize for the delayed response, and I understand that your nuptials may have passed. I received over 6 wedding invitations in the last year, and the decision to not attend any of the

Listen to this article.https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/WH-ReplacementTVshows.mp3 Muff Divers   Trinity and her gang get a tip on a sunken treasure of extremely valuable Ming Dynasty ear-muffs, and so it's back in their diving suits for more deep sea adventures!   Featuring special guest star and Don Knotts impersonator Felipe Gunderson.America's Got Toe LintFrom the creators of the inexplicably popular America's Got Talent comes this sensational new program!    Average, everyday shmoes take their promised fifteen minutes of fame and waste it by showing you, the viewer, their toe lint.     The Bachelor is still on the air and very popular, so we're pretty sure that you'll watch this too.    Hosted by a life-size, slightly rain-damaged cardboard cutout of Charo.To Catch A Predator (Formerly known as Entertainment Tonight)   Your nightly guide to who's molesting who in the glitzy, glamorous world of Tinseltown!Super Mendez Bros.  Fun, exciting, brightly colored animated program based on the popular video game series, as well as the infamous murdering brothers.   When trouble strikes, will the Super Mendez Bros reach for a trusty mushroom, or the ever-tempting shotgun?    Tune in to find out!The BacheLord Is Our ShepardNew reality show (in fa

Listen to this article.https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/WH-Bookshelf-HM.mp3 What are we reading this week?Grandma, Why Does Your Laundry Hamper Smell Like Deviled Eggs? by Erma Bombeck   Erma Bombeck was never one to allow the ravages of senility and dementia keep her from culling together a collection of humorous essays, or from going to Safeway while wearing only a diaper (a story included in this collection)!The Obama Sutra Allow our former president to guide you in the ways of smooth, presidential lovemaking, as only he can.    I mean, clearly, right?ScarJo by Stephen KingWhat happens when a hapless young tennis pro is trapped in her car by a deranged, rabid Scarlett Johansson?   Don't tell us, we're too scared to look!The Pop-Up Book Of Erections That Lasted More Than Four HoursInteresting concept, but is this really something that we should be selling to our children?    And certainly no reason this should have been a scratch n' sniff book as well.Jihad LibsHours of fun for every member of your lunatic religious cult!   Comes with a small pen-light, so perfect for whiling away the hours in your private cave.50 Shades Of GravyHey, c'mon, lets be fair…  Trump-voters like having sex as well.   If you'd like to read about that sort of thing, here's the book for you.   We couldn't make it through four pages.  If you have no objection to dry-heave spittle, we have a used copy you could purchase