The Wellness Compass Podcast

This podcast is a companion to our Wellness Compass column. What follows is the text of the column we emailed out this week on this same topic: "Baseball is too slow for me—I prefer sports like basketball with its constant action and scoring" is a comment we overheard at our grandson's Little League game this week. Because it wasn't said directly to us, we didn't have the opportunity to respond with all the ways we love the slow pace of baseball. We'd like to share those with you now, and because this is a wellness column, we can't resist the opportunity to reflect on what the slowness of baseball has to teach us.   First on the list would have probably been that we love the game just because it is slow. Even with the advent of the pitch clock and a few other changes to speed up the game for our impatient culture, the game still has a refreshing pace that allows you to savor each pitch, each at bat, and each play in the field. The pace allows you to pause long enough to wonder, "Should they bring the infield in?" or "Is this a good time to hit and run?" or "Should the outfield be playing this batter to pull?" or "The pitcher has thrown three consecutive four-seam fastballs—so is it time to throw a circle change?"   The opinion that baseball is too slow has been voiced more frequently over the last few decades. Perhaps a different way to frame that perception is that life by contrast has increasingly sped up and maybe even become too fast.  Baseball is a celebration of slowness. It resonates with the slow food movement and the increased interest in slow travel. Within medicine there is even a new movement called slow medicine, which is pushing back on the limitations of the five to seven minute office visits.   Speaking of medicine, Scott tried something very counter-cultural (and counter-intuitive for him) this week. He had a doctor's appointment and his doctor was running late so he had a half hour to himself in the waiting room. Because he was thinking about this concept of patience and slowing down, he resisted getting his phone out and checking the news or his email or …. last night's box scores.  He sat for a full thirty minutes without reaching for his phone. He took some deep breaths and practiced some mindfulness meditation. When he returned home he was embarrassed to report that this was not easy for him to do. Like the woman we overheard at our grandson's baseball game, he, too, sometimes craves action and stimulation.   Life has its own series of waiting rooms. Waiting for clarity on a difficult issue. Waiting for a loved one to find their way. Waiting for healing. Waiting for peace. We long for progress and some kind of action that will bring quick resolution. When we can't just scroll ahead we are invited to enter into the wisdom of slowness and the practice of patience.  Three thousand years ago the author of the book of Ecclesiastes gave us this hopeful wisdom, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  May we find the grace to trust the season we are in and to patiently embrace the waiting and unfolding, even when we wish things would move a little faster.   And may we watch a few games of baseball to remind us of the benefits of slowing down. 

Sharing Awe: What 19,000 Likes Can Teach Us About Supporting One Another's Mental Health Wellness Compass Podcast Hosted by Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT & Scott Stoner, LMFT Episode Overview Something unexpected happened after Holly and Scott's last column and podcast about the Artemis II astronauts — a quote about the view of Earth from space, and how it reveals no borders, no divisions, only our shared humanity, went viral on Facebook with nearly 20,000 likes and almost 7,000 shares. In this episode, Holly and Scott reflect on what that overwhelming response reveals about what people are truly hungry for: awe, wonder, and a sense of connection. They explore the science of awe and how cultivating it can meaningfully strengthen our mental health. Key Themes The Power of Awe The viral response to their post was a powerful reminder of how starved many people are for good news and experiences of unity. Research confirms that experiences of awe calm our nervous systems, help us think more clearly, and have a measurable positive impact on mental health. The Science Behind Awe Holly and Scott highlight the work of Dr. Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, who has identified eight key sources of awe in everyday human experience. The Eight Wonders of Awe (Dr. Dacher Keltner) Moral Beauty — Witnessing acts of courage, kindness, or perseverance in others Collective Effervescence — The shared energy of a group moving, worshipping, dancing, or celebrating together Nature — Immersion in the natural world and its "wild awe" Music — Experiencing or creating music collectively Visual Design — Encountering great art, architecture, or sacred geometry Spirituality and Religion — Mystical experiences, prayer, communal worship, transcendence Life and Death — The thin, liminal places of birth, dying, and transition Epiphany — Realizing you are part of something far larger than yourself Personal Reflection Question What could you do this week to enhance your own sense of awe? Consider revisiting a past moment that moved you deeply, or intentionally placing yourself somewhere — or with someone — that opens you to wonder. Even a simple gratitude practice, especially when shared with another person, can be a doorway into awe. What We Pay Attention to Will Grow A core principle of the Wellness Compass Initiative: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. This episode invites us to ask — what are we amplifying? On social media and in daily life, are we spreading wonder and connection, or discord and division? This isn't about toxic positivity; it's about intentionally choosing where we direct our energy and attention. Upcoming Free Wellness Circles Wellness Circles are a free, six-week small group experience designed to cultivate awareness, intention, and well-being — a perfect real-life space to experience awe and gratitude with others. Tuesday, May 4 at 1:00 PM Wednesday, May 5 at 5:15 PM To sign up, visit wellnesscompass.org and click the green bar at the top of the homepage, or email Holly directly at [email protected]. Connect With Us 🌐 Website: wellnesscompass.org 📧 General contact: [email protected] 📧 Holly: [email protected] Go forth and be awesome — discover awe, experience awe, and share it. May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy.

Wellness Compass Podcast — Show Notes Episode: What Artemis II Can Teach Us About Mental Health About This Episode Scott and Holly Stoner, licensed marriage and family therapists and co-founders of the Wellness Compass Initiative, reflect on the Artemis II moon voyage and draw out four wellness lessons for our everyday lives. Recorded the night before the crew's scheduled return to Earth, this episode connects the wonder of outer space exploration to the inner work of mental health and well-being. In This Episode 1. There Is Power in Expanding Our Perspective The Artemis II astronauts witnessed an "earthrise" from the moon — and it changed how they saw everything. Scott and Holly reflect on how this mirrors a core wellness practice: recognizing that other people see the same situations we do, but from entirely different vantage points. Rather than assuming someone is wrong, stubborn, or uninformed, we can get curious about how things look from where they're standing. One astronaut said it beautifully: "When we're up here, we don't see borders. We don't see religious lines. We don't see political boundaries. All we see is Earth. And you can see that we are way more alike than we are different." 2. If You Want to Go Far, Go Together A proverb reminds us: if you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. The four astronauts brought diverse skills and perspectives, and their success depended on their interconnection — plus the enormous team of scientists and engineers supporting them from Earth. As Scott and Holly often say: wellness begins with we. Building and strengthening our crew helps all of us go farther. 3. There Is a Time for Autopilot and a Time for Taking the Controls NASA required every crew member to practice manually flying the spacecraft — just in case autopilot failed. In life, transitions and disruptions (a health diagnosis, job loss, relationship change, or a global pandemic) can knock us off autopilot and require us to fly with greater intentionality. Scott and Holly share how COVID did exactly that for them personally, leading them to reshape their entire approach to delivering their work. Change is hard, but building our "change muscles" helps us respond rather than simply react. 4. Growth Requires Moving Out of Comfort Zones Could there be a more dramatic example of leaving your comfort zone than flying to the moon? When the crew lost contact with Earth for 41 minutes on the far side of the moon, they had to rely on each other and themselves completely. All growth — personal, relational, professional — requires stepping out of what is comfortable and familiar. The key is doing it with awareness, intention, and a supportive team. Mentioned in This Episode Artemis II moon voyage (April 2025) The Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being Wellness Circles — six-week small group wellness program New coaching and in-service offerings for nonprofit leaders and providers Resources & Links Website: wellnesscompass.org Coaching and in-services for leaders and providers: wellnesscompass.org/coaching Wellness Circles — new groups forming in mid-May; sign up at wellnesscompass.org Email: [email protected] Closing Thought "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe — and may you continue to build your crew, strengthen your crew, move out of your comfort zones, and expand your perspective." New episodes every two weeks.

What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that was send out today and based on the same topic as this podcast episode: Only Love Can Do That Theo of Golden by Allan Levi is the book I (Holly) am currently reading and loving.  Only three quarters of the way through it, the main character Theo and his story has really captivated me as he is everything I'd like to be: curious about others, a good listener to everyone,  generous, and non-judgmental.   I've been telling Scott about it all week, sharing many of the stories about Theo's loving kindness and how I find it to be an  antidote for much of the suffering that is happening in the world.  Like Theo, we believe that love, kindness, and compassion are the most powerful and most essential forces in the world. We find it important to state this, especially at a time when fear and violence are a constant presence.  We talk in our Wellness Compass resources about how there are many compasses that compete to guide our lives. The compasses of the dominant culture are strong, as are the compasses of our upbringings. Choosing spiritual values, as Theo does—like love, kindness, and compassion—to be what guides us toward True North is an intentional choice any of us can make, no matter what other forces may tempt us to follow them instead. As psychotherapists, we know firsthand the destruction that violence and hatred cause. Having worked with countless clients who have experienced the mind- and soul-crushing effects of violence and hatred, our hearts have been broken more times than we can count. At the same time, being witnesses to the healing power of love and compassion in the lives of people who have suffered has time and time again reminded us that love and compassion are indeed stronger than violence and hatred.  Hatred and violence are ever present in our world, there is no doubt. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." That's why we need to continuously choose love, kindness, and compassion as our enduring values both for our own well-being and the well-being of our world.

  The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves Wellness Compass Podcast Self-Compassion and Self-Care Episode Summary We hear about self-compassion and self-care so often that the words can start to wash over us — and yet most of us are still much better at offering compassion to others than to ourselves. In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner explore why these practices are not luxuries or signs of self-indulgence, but the very foundation of sustained wellness, healthy relationships, and genuine care for others. Drawing on their work as marriage and family therapists, their Wellness Compass programs, and a moving story from a high school mental health fair, they make the case that a full cup is what makes giving possible — and that self-compassion is not about lowering the bar, but about meeting yourself with honesty and kindness at the same time. Key Themes Why self-compassion and self-care feel so countercultural — and why they matter more than ever right now The difference between self-compassion and toxic positivity — it's honest and kind, not one or the other How the inner critic develops, why it sometimes seems to work in the short run, and why it grinds us down over time Social media and the trap of "comparing your insides to other people's outsides" The Wellness Compass core principle: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow Why self-care is not selfish — it's about creating a centered self, not a self-centered one Story from the Episode Holly shares a conversation from a high school mental health fair with a young football player who was carrying heavy self-criticism after his team's loss. His story illustrates something universal — the weight we carry when we hold ourselves to a standard that leaves no room for compassion, effort, or grace. Quote of the Episode "Self-care is not about being self-centered. It's about creating a centered self." — Scott Stoner Featured Resource Kristin Neff — leading researcher, author, and teacher on self-compassion. Her simple, powerful starting point: "Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend." Here's a link to one of her videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k Upcoming Events 🌀 Wellness Circles — beginning April 7th and 8th, online. A practical, supported space for self-care and community. Learn more at wellnesscompass.org Making It Personal Is there an area of your life — at work, at home, or out in the world — where you tend to be hardest on yourself? Name it honestly, and then ask: what would it look like to be a little more gentle there? What is one concrete thing you could do — journaling, a conversation, a shift in thinking — to grow more self-compassion in that area? Where in your life could you use a little more self-care right now? What would it mean to fill your cup so you have more to offer yourself and others? Connect with Holly and Scott 📧 Holly: [email protected] 📧 Scott: [email protected] 📧 Podcast & column: [email protected] 🌐 wellnesscompass.org New episodes release every two weeks. Until then — may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live at ease, and may you deepen your practice of self-care and self-compassion.

Wellness Compass Podcast Show Notes Episode #173: The Courage to Reset: Lessons from an Olympic Champion, Overview Scott Stoner and Holly Hughes Stoner explore the power of making intentional resets in our lives — drawing inspiration from Olympic figure skater Alyssa Liu, who took two years away from skating at age 16 to prioritize her mental health, then returned to win gold at age 20. The Inspiring Story of Alyssa Liu Alyssa Liu's journey offers a compelling model for all of us. At 16, at the height of her competitive career, she stepped away from elite figure skating because the relentless pressure and busyness were taking a toll on her mental health. After two years of rest and renewal, she returned to the sport about a year ago — and what stood out wasn't just her technical skill, but her visible joy and ease on the ice. Her story challenges the assumption that stepping back means giving up. Her words: "I hope that with all this attention, I can at least raise awareness about mental health in sports and mental health in general... I think my story is pretty cool. So I hope that it inspires other people as well." Three Key Takeaways from Holly 1. Resting or resetting is not the same as quitting. Pausing something — a commitment, a role, a pace — is not failure. It's wisdom. Whether it's pulling back from a work obligation, a relationship pattern, or a draining routine, stepping back can create the perspective we need to move forward with more intention. 2. Detach your well-being from your achievements. When we're known for something or skilled at it, it can easily become our identity. But who we are is not defined by our output, our titles, or what we produce. Remembering this is itself a kind of reset. 3. Listen to your whispers. Low energy, lack of joy, going through the motions — these are signals worth paying attention to. Alyssa Liu listened to hers. Scott and Holly share their own example: shifting the podcast and column to an every-other-week format to show up with more energy, preparation, and joy for each episode. What a Reset Might Look Like for You Resets don't have to be dramatic. They can be small and still be powerful: Getting up five minutes earlier for quiet time or meditation Turning off the radio on your drive home to breathe and reflect Shifting from going through the motions to being more intentionally present with family, friends, or colleagues Reframing how you see a person or situation — sometimes the reset happens entirely in how we think A Note on Hard Seasons Scott and Holly acknowledge that sometimes we're in the middle of a crisis, grief, or loss — circumstances we can't simply reset our way out of. This conversation isn't about toxic positivity. It's about the smaller, courageous choices we can make to navigate our lives with more awareness and intention. Resources & Connect Website: wellnesscompass.org Email Scott: [email protected] Email Holly: [email protected] Facebook: Wellness Compass page Upcoming Wellness Circles: Six-week online Zoom groups begin the first week of April — free to join. Sign up at wellnesscompass.org. Until we gather again in two weeks — may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at ease, and may you know when you are in need of a reset, big or small.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast: Valentine's Day invites us to celebrate love with cards, flowers, and chocolates—gestures that honor the warm feelings we have for the people we care about. Feelings are an important aspect of love, but love is so much more than that. What sustains love through ordinary days, difficult seasons, and genuine hardship? This week, nineteen Buddhist monks completed a 2,300-mile walk from Texas to Washington, D.C., covering over twenty miles each day for 108 days. Some walked barefoot. Some nights they slept in tents in the midst of freezing weather. Early in their journey, their escort vehicle was struck by a distracted driver, and one monk lost his leg. Rather than responding with anger or litigation, the monks offered compassion and continued their pilgrimage. Their journey teaches us something essential: love is not primarily a feeling. Love is an embodied practice—a decision we make again and again through our actions. American scholar and author bell hooks wrote that, "Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action." She insisted that love requires care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. These aren't emotions that wash over us. They're disciplines we can choose to cultivate, day after difficult day. This understanding has for centuries appeared across wisdom traditions as well. In the Bible, for example, in 1 Corinthians 13, love is described not as a feeling but as a series of actions: love is patient, love is kind, love does not keep a record of wrongs. These are choices, not sentiments. They require intention and practice. The monks' walk demonstrates this truth beautifully. When faced with injury and loss, they couldn't rely solely on positive feelings to carry them forward. They instead relied on their commitment to peace—a commitment expressed through every mindful step, every tent pitched in the cold, every encounter with strangers along the highway. Their example has profound implications for our relationships. When we understand love as practice rather than feeling, we stop waiting for the emotion to show up before we act lovingly. We show up for our partner even when we're frustrated. We offer kindness to our children even when we're exhausted. We extend compassion to ourselves even when we feel unworthy of it. Love as practice means recognizing that the small, unglamorous choices matter most: listening when we'd rather talk, pausing before reacting, choosing forgiveness over resentment, showing up consistently rather than dramatically. These daily disciplines build the foundation that feelings alone cannot sustain. So this Valentine's Day, by all means celebrate with flowers and chocolates. But also ask yourself: What loving actions will I practice even when the warm, affectionate feelings aren't always there? How will I embody love even when it costs me something? What am I willing to walk twenty miles a day for? The monks teach us that love sustained over 2,300 miles isn't about warm feelings. It's about faithful practice. Step by step. Day by day. Choice by choice. That's the love that endures.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:   Start With Why (Part 2 of a six-part series on change). Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why"—a clear reason for making the change. The "why" is the root system that grounds and nurtures change. Without a strong root system, most attempts at change will wither or die out altogether. For example, if a person makes a New Year's resolution simply because it's the popular thing to do, there is a good chance that resolution won't stick. If, however, a resolution is grounded in a compelling why, it has a much greater chance of lasting.  Author Simon Sinek writes extensively about change. He says most people focus only on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That's their "what." They may even have a "how"—a plan for doing this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify why they want to spend less time on screens—to connect more meaningfully with others, pursue other activities, or get more sleep—then there's a greater chance they'll make a lasting change. All great leaders inspire and facilitate change with a clear "why." Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who passed away in 2021, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. The "why" that kept him going, even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers, was his belief that all people are created equal and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. What he did and how he did it evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why" never wavered. His "why" sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why." This principle has guided a significant change in our own work. Before COVID, our main strategy for our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative centered on creating print resources and traveling around the country doing in-person trainings. This approach was effective and personally rewarding, and while it helped us reach thousands of people, its scalability was limited. When COVID hit, we were forced to pivot—developing digital downloads and moving all our trainings and meetings online. Initially, we made these changes simply because circumstances required it. But here's where the "why" became essential. As the world reopened, we faced a choice: return to our familiar pre-COVID methods or embrace the challenging work of continuing to grow these new digital strategies. We could have easily justified going back to what we knew best. Instead, we chose to press forward with learning new technologies like podcasting and expanding our digital reach. Why? Because our deeper purpose has always been to expand access to wellness resources for as many people as possible. The changes have been challenging. There's a learning curve to new technology, and we miss the warmth of in-person gatherings. But our reach has expanded in ways we never imagined. Now we are reaching many tens of thousands of people Before COVID, we ran Wellness Circles in person in our local geographic area. Now we facilitate five times as many Wellness Circles, regularly welcoming participants from Europe, South America, and other parts of the world, as well as people just down the street from where we live and work. Our "why"—making high quality wellness resources accessible to organizations and individuals who need them—gave us the motivation to persist through the challenges that change always brings.   Making It Personal Can you think of a change you have already made in your life that was fueled by a clear "why"?  How did it go?   Is there a change you want to make, or are making now, that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why"?   What is your "why" for the change you are aspiring to make and how might identifying that help motivate to stick with it?

In this episode we mention our Wellness Compass Self Assessment.  Here is a link to our assessment(s). Click HERE to learn more, and/or to download the self-assessment for your own use.  And Holly mentions her personal trianer in this episode--the amazing Luanne Vogel. You can learn more about Luanne, including her contact info HERE. And if you would like to join our upcoming Wellness Compass "pop up" session on Thursday, January 22, 7:00 PM Central Time, click HERE.  There are 8 dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass and for this session we will focus on the Relationship dimension of wellbeing.   What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast: Listening for a Change (Part 1 of an Updated 6-Part Series on Understanding Growth & Change) Four years ago, we wrote a series of six columns about the process of change—how it starts, what keeps it going, and why it's often so hard. Since then, people have regularly asked us to share information from those columns again. As marriage and family therapists who've spent decades working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations, we've learned that understanding how change actually works is key to making the changes we want to make. So we decided it was time to update this series. For the next six columns (and podcasts), we'll look at how change begins with listening, the stages we go through, what keeps us stuck, and what helps change last. So, if you're thinking about a change or already in the middle of one, we hope this series is helpful. Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, a lot of us take stock of our lives this time of year. We pause and ask ourselves if there are changes we want to make. The turning of the calendar invites us to think about what in our lives needs attention. What might need to shift or grow? One idea we've found to be helpful—both in our own lives and with our clients—is what we call "listening to the whispers." It's pretty simple: all meaningful change begins with listening. Often a desire or need for change first shows up as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something's not quite right. The whisper might sound like: "I'm feeling disconnected from _______. I'm not sure how to fix that, and honestly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time." "I used to make time for ________, and I really miss that. I want to find a way to bring it back." "The pace of my life is wearing me out. I can feel it in my body, and I want to do something about it before I burn out." "My relationship with alcohol (or screens, or work, or shopping) has changed in ways that worry me. I want to address this now, while I still can." "This job doesn't fit who I'm becoming anymore. I'm going to start looking at what else is out there." "I feel called to get more involved in what's happening in my community. I'm going to talk to people who are already doing the kind of work I want to do." "There are things in our family we keep avoiding. I think we could be stronger if we started being more honest with each other." "I keep hearing people talk about meditation and how much it helps them. I'm curious about what that might do for me." That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. But here's what we've noticed: when a whisper goes unheeded, it doesn't just go away. The pattern we see again and again is that the whisper gets louder. Gradually our inner voice starts to shout. And what happens if we don't listen even then? Eventually something breaks through—a consequence, maybe even a crisis—something we can't ignore anymore. When it comes to taking care of ourselves and our relationships, we need to learn to listen to these hints. Healthy people, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this regularly. They take honest looks in the mirror. And because they know they can still fool themselves, they ask for honest feedback from people they trust. They create ways to get feedback so they can adapt and respond to warning signs. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and actually listening to what wants and/or needs to change. Our lives are always speaking to us. Together, let's commit to listening to what they might be saying.   And speaking of change, we are making a small change with the frequency of our Wellness Column and Podcast. Due to other new initiatives that we are working on (more about that later!), we will be moving from a weekly format to an every other week format. So look for our next column and podcast in two weeks, and every other week thereafter.  And please note that this change came from a "whisper" that reminded us that our bandwidth has limits and that we can't develop new initiatives without making space for the energy they require! Making It Personal—These questions can help you listen more closely to what your life might be saying right now: 1. What do you think about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening? 2. Can you think of a time when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it led to something good? 3. Listening to your life right now, what's one change that's calling for your attention as we start this new year? In the weeks ahead, we'll explore the stages of change, what helps transformation stick, and how to work with resistance—both the kind inside us and the kind from others. We're looking forward to this journey with you.    

Sharing Light in the Darkness In the 1990's, there was a children's show on the Nickelodeon Network that our children and we loved, called Are You Afraid of the Dark? One thing that made the show special was that it was just scary enough, without being terrifying. We find ourselves thinking about that show now as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach the darkest night of the year. There is a lot of fear, a lot of scary things happening in the world, things that can seem dark and overwhelming at times. As therapists, we find ourselves invited into so many conversations these days about how can one find and how can one be light in the midst of the very real darkness we are seeing in the world.  Fortunately, we are not the first people to encounter this struggle. Each of the world's spiritual traditions offers wisdom on finding hope, love, and peace—light—in the midst of the darkness of suffering, injustice, and violence.   A few years ago, we lost power in our house for several days due to an ice storm. As disruptive as that experience was, we discovered a lesson that has stayed with us. We discovered the difference a single candle can make in a pitch-black room. This experience has stayed with us, especially during difficult times when tragedy strikes our communities or violence erupts in our world. Like many of us, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by the darkness around us, uncertain where to turn or what to do. But then we remember the difference that one small candle, one small light can make.  There's an old saying: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." For us now, lighting one candle means doing something kind and loving for someone else—some act of service that brings a small amount of light into their world and, little by little, helps brighten our world as a whole. Here's what's remarkable about sharing light: when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your own light. Unlike money or material resources, we can share the light of hope, love, and kindness with countless others, and still have own light which can continue to burn just as brightly.  As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, may we all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. The darkness is real and powerful, but the power of love and light is greater still. Making It Personal: 1. When have you experienced someone lighting a candle of hope for you during a dark time? How did their act of kindness change your perspective or situation? 2. What small act of love or service could you offer this week to bring light into someone else's world? 3. What helps you remember that sharing your light with others doesn't diminish your own? How might this understanding change the way you approach generosity this season?    

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:   The Spirit (and Neuroscience) of Generosity The holidays are a time for gift giving and generosity. Nonprofits receive more donations of both money and volunteer hours this time of year than at any other time. With that in mind, we offer a few thoughts on practicing generosity—not just during the holidays, but all year long. Our Brains Are Wired for Generosity The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in their book entitled The Book of Joy, remind us that generosity is fundamental by saying the following,  "Generosity is so important in all of the world's religions because it no doubt expresses a fundamental aspect of our interdependence and our need for one another. Generosity was so important for our survival that the reward centers of our brain light up as strongly when we give as when we receive, sometimes even more so."  Modern neuroscience confirms this ancient wisdom. We are literally hardwired for generosity. Our Gifts Can Go Beyond the Material While material gifts can be meaningful, many of the most significant forms of generosity often cost nothing. The gift of presence—truly listening to someone who needs to be heard—activate our neural reward pathways. So does offering forgiveness, sharing a burden, or bearing witness to another's joy or pain. These exchanges of care create the web of interdependence that sustains us. Hospitality Can Be a Gift A friend recently shared a formative memory. Every Christmas, her parents invited people they knew who were alone to join them for dinner—someone from work, a neighbor, someone from church. She said those experiences taught her more about the meaning of the holidays than any material gift she ever received. Generosity Transforms Hearts How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol are beloved because both the Grinch and Scrooge are transformed by embracing joy and generosity. Hearts that were two sizes too small become enlarged. This holiday season, let's commit to practicing generosity in all its forms as we give warmth freely, receive graciously, and notice how both nourish our connections with others. Making It Personal: 1. Think of a time when someone offered you the gift of their presence—truly listening or simply staying with you through something difficult. What made that moment meaningful?   How did it feel? 2. Like the Grinch or Scrooge, where in your life right now might you be resisting generosity (think time, attention, forgiveness, or resources)? What would it feel like if you worked so that part of your heart grew larger? 3. If you were to create your own ritual of generosity—whether during holidays or throughout the year—what would it look like? Who might you include, and what would you want others to feel from witnessing this practice?

The Power of "Enough"-Finding Contentment in a Culture of More   We live in a culture that constantly tells us that we need more, especially as we approach the holidays. More success, more possessions, more activities, more social media likes, more achievements, more of everything. We don't know about you, but the constant striving leaves us exhausted, anxious, and spiritually depleted. There is another choice, though. We can embrace a different mindset, one we call the power of "enough." Here are four thoughts on what the power of "enough" looks like and how we can embrace it.  How the mindset of "never enough" negatively impacts our mental health. The psychology of scarcity can have a significant impact on our well-being. We end up feeling like we never have enough or that we never are enough. We also start to believe that everyone else seems to have "enough," or at least more than what we have. It's so easy to find ourselves on the treadmill of never enough that we don't even realize that we are on it.  We are all familiar with the story of the half a glass of water and the question of whether it is half full or half empty. A third option is that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. In this metaphor, the glass represents our desires to have more. Once we learn to scale down the size of our desires, we will experience more fullness with what we already have.  Chasing after external validation ultimately leaves us feeling empty. Wisdom teachers across traditions remind us that we're already complete, already beloved, already whole. When we chase external validation to fill an internal void, we're looking in the wrong direction. All religions teach that a life of meaning and happiness isn't based on an abundance of possessions and offer invitations to recognize the fullness already present in this moment and in what we already have. There are things we can do each day to cultivate the belief that we already have enough. Here are a few ideas. Begin and/or end each day with a simple moment of gratitude.  Pause and be thankful. Sit quietly and notice what's already here: your breath, a roof over your head, the beauty of nature, and the kindness of others. When you notice the desire for "more" arising, pause and ask: "What if I already have enough? What if I already am enough?"  Living from abundance rather than scarcity is a choice we need to make continuously. When we're not desperately grasping for more, we can live from genuine appreciation rather than anxious striving. We can give more generously, rest more deeply, and love more freely. The power of "enough" isn't about having less—it's about being more present, more peaceful, and more content. Making It Personal: Does the holiday season create stress around not having enough or feeling not enough? Reflect on specific areas—work, relationships, possessions, achievements—where you feel the pull of "more." What does this striving cost you emotionally and spiritually? What would change in your daily life if you truly believed, "I am enough," and "I have enough"?  When have you experienced a moment of genuine contentment—a time when you felt delighted with what was present? What conditions made that possible? How might you cultivate more of those conditions in your life, especially during this holiday season?    

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week.  You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE. Beyond Thank You: Four Truths About Gratitude from an Unexpected Vista The two of us went on a hike the other day. It was a beautiful late Wisconsin fall day. We had chosen a large state protected area we'd never explored before, and as we switchbacked up a ridge, we had no idea we were about to experience gratitude in its truest form. Turned around at the top, we were overwhelmed with the unexpected view we now had looking out over the Wisconsin River. The sun was hitting the river at just the perfect angle causing the flowing water to glisten magnificently. Without a word being said we both stopped in our tracks and silently breathed in the view. After a minute both of us declared how grateful we were to be there to enjoy the special moment. Standing still for a moment, our bodies had minds of their own and knew the appropriate response to that experience of overwhelming gratitude. As we continued our hike, we found ourselves appreciating people we would never meet—the conservationists who fought to protect that land, the trail builders who carved those switchbacks, the park staff who maintain the paths. Our moment of beauty and gratitude was made possible by countless others who cared enough to preserve this place. As Thanksgiving approaches, we keep thinking about our hike and what it taught us about deeper understanding of gratitude. Here are four insights we're carrying forward: 1. Real gratitude is embodied, not just intellectual. It moves through our whole being—physical, emotional, and spiritual. When gratitude is genuine, it shows up in our bodies, not just our minds. Watch for those moments when thankfulness moves you to stop, gesture, to extend a hand, or to offer a touch that physically expresses what words alone cannot capture. 2. Gratitude emerges from wonder and awe. While it's important to teach children to say "thank you," gratitude is much more than good manners or something we "should" express.  Authentic gratitude comes from being thankful for the sheer gift of existence, for beauty we didn't create, and for the shared good of people known and unknown to us.   It's about letting ourselves be humbled by moments that remind us how extraordinary ordinary life can be. 3. Gratitude reveals our profound interconnectedness. Almost nothing we experience comes from our efforts alone. When we trace backward from any moment of joy or beauty, we discover countless hands—seen and unseen—that made it possible. We live within an intricate web of giving and receiving that stretches across time and space.  *Watching the American Revolution on PBS this week has reminded us of our gratitude for those who gave so much to create the country and it's freedoms that we still cherish today.  4. Gratitude inspires us to share. When we recognize how our experiences depend on others' care and commitment, we're inspired to become those people for others. Gratitude isn't passive—it awakens us to our role as both recipients and stewards. Metaphorically, what trails do we want to build for others?  We wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and hope that you may find your own moments where wonder breaks through the ordinary and gratitude rises spontaneously. Making It Personal: 1. When has gratitude moved through your whole being—not just your mind? Describe a moment when thankfulness expressed itself physically. What does it feel like when you experience authentic gratitude versus polite thank-yous? 2. Recall a recent moment of wonder or awe. How did that experience connect you to something larger than yourself? Did that experience inspire gratitude in you? 3. Choose one thing you're grateful for this Thanksgiving. Trace the web of interconnection backward: Who made this possible? Whose work, whose love, whose choices? How does seeing this network of interdependence enhance your feeling of gratitude? We will be traveling for Thanksgiving, and so our column and podcast will return in two weeks.  

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week.  You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE   Awe, Mystery, and the Northern Lights: Nature's Gift to Our Well-Being This week, something extraordinary happened. People across the Northern Hemisphere stopped in their tracks, looked up at the night sky, and collectively whispered, "Whoa." The Northern Lights danced across skies where they rarely appear, and for a few precious moments, we remembered what it means to be truly awestruck. The aurora borealis is more than just a spectacular show—it provides a powerful reminder of how awe and mystery contribute to our mental health and overall well-being. Awe Calms Our Nervous System Dr. Dacher Keltner (author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life) writes that experiencing awe has tremendous health benefits, including calming our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the "love" hormone that promotes trust and bonding. If we were fortunate enough to gaze at the Northern Lights this week, our bodies weren't just witnessing beauty—they were receiving a dose of natural medicine. The vastness of the aurora helped momentarily quiet our anxious minds and reminded us that we are part of something much larger than our daily worries and stresses. Awe Pulls Us Out of Our Small Stories When we encounter something as mysterious and magnificent as the Northern Lights, we're given a break from our usual preoccupations. We don't have to overthink anything; we only have to witness what we are experiencing.. This experience of mystery shifts our perspective from the narrow concerns of our individual lives to a broader, more transcendent awareness. In those moments, the stresses that felt overwhelming just minutes before seem to find their proper proportion. Slowing Down to Notice Creates Space for Wonder The Northern Lights required us to stop. To slow down. To step outside and look up. This mirrors what children do naturally—they stop in their tracks to examine a caterpillar or watch a bird, their whole face lighting up as they shout, "Whoaaaaaaaaa!" If you look up the word whoa in the dictionary, you will see that one of its meanings is to slow down or stop, as in the command a rider gives to a horse.  The spiritual dimension of well-being depends on our willingness to pause long enough to notice the "whoa moments" that surround us. Whether it's a celestial phenomenon or a small everyday miracle, we must be present to receive them.  Witnessing Awe Can Bring Us Together Perhaps the most beautiful aspect of this week's aurora display was how it became a collective experience. People texted photos to friends, gathered in groups to watch, and shared their wonder on social media. One friend even shared how joyful it was to see so many of their neighbors gathering in the street, dressed in their pajamas.  Awe doesn't just benefit us individually—it bonds us together. When we acknowledge life's profound mysteries together, we remember our common humanity and our shared capacity for reverence. As we return to our daily routines, the Northern Lights can continue to remind us that cultivating our capacity for awe isn't a nice extra—it's essential to our well-being.  We can strengthen our capacity for awe by paying attention, practicing mindfulness, and choosing to notice the moments of beauty and mystery that surround us every day. The universe is constantly offering us "whoa moments." The question is: Are we willing to slow down long enough to notice them? Making It Personal 1.Think about a recent time when you experienced profound awe—perhaps the Northern Lights, a sunset, or something that stopped you in your tracks. What did you see and feel? How did your body respond? What worries fell away in that moment? 2. Children naturally stop to marvel at small wonders. What prevents you from experiencing life this way? What would it take to create more space in your daily life to slow down and notice moments of beauty and mystery? 3. Dr. Keltner suggests that our ability to experience awe can be strengthened through practice. Looking at the week ahead, where might you intentionally create opportunities to encounter mystery and wonder? Choose one specific practice you'll commit to this week.

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week.  You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE Taking Time to Reset Having just reset our clocks this week, we know that this simple adjustment—moving backward by a single hour—can change our entire rhythm. For some, the change was not a big deal; for others, it is still affecting their sleep schedules (or those of their kids or pets). But here's the good news: within a few days, most of us recalibrate and adapt. This semi-annual ritual reminds us that the power of a small reset can change our perspectives. When we consciously shift our perspectives, we can transform our experience of life just as dramatically as changing our experience of the sun rising and setting. Small Shifts Can Create Big Changes The key is recognizing that our perspectives are a choice. When we feel stuck, we often think our external situation must change before we can feel different. But what if the "reset" we need isn't in our circumstances but in how we're looking at them? A relationship conflict might shift when we stop asking "who's wrong?" and start asking "what does this relationship need?"  We have all had the experience of negatively judging someone's behavior, and then shifting our reaction from judgment to compassion when our perspective changed with additional information about why a person is acting the way they are.  Perspective Shapes Experience More Than Facts Do Two people can experience the same time change and have entirely different perspectives. One embraces the earlier sunrise while the other curses the earlier sunset. Another person is irritated because they believe the government should end daylight saving time altogether.  Our brains are meaning-making machines, constantly interpreting and narrating our lives. Two people receive the same email from their boss that offers constructive feedback. One person finds the email helpful and motivating. The other finds it demoralizing and shaming. All of our experiences are filtered through our perspective. It's been said that we don't see things as they are, but often we see them as we are. This is why checking out our perspectives with others can be helpful, rather than assuming they are always accurate and useful.  Resistance to Resetting Keeps Us Stuck Mindset, a popular bestselling book by Carol Dweck, outlines the crucial  difference between a fixed and a growth mindset. A growth mindset is characterized by an openness to changing and resetting our views and perspectives. A fixed mindset is just what it sounds like—its motto is, "but I/we have always done it this way." Resistance to resetting our perspectives rarely serves us well, and almost always impedes growth.  In our world today, changing one's perspective is often seen as a weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. As we grow and mature and gain new information and experiences, it is only natural for our perspectives to shift. And even if the shift is slight, like a ship changing its bearing just a few degrees, that small change will create a larger shift over time.  Readjusting Is an Ongoing Practice We don't reset our clocks once in a lifetime. Similarly, perspective shifts aren't one-time events but ongoing practices. Our go-to viewpoints reassert themselves, old patterns return, and we need to consciously see if it's time to readjust again and again. This isn't failure—it's being human. The practice is in noticing when we've drifted back into unhelpful perspectives and gently adjusting our compass. Each time we do this, we strengthen our ability to shift. We become more fluid, more resilient, more capable of meeting life's challenges with creativity, rather than rigidity.  Making It Personal: 1. Where in your life have you been holding a fixed mindset that could benefit from greater openness to growth? What slight shift could you make this week? 2. Think of a situation where you are harshly judging a friend, family member, or colleague's behavior. Might a shift in perspective open you to softening your judgment and feeling empathy or compassion?  3. Can you think of a time when shifting your perspective regarding how you viewed yourself, a situation, and/or another person created an opportunity for moving from being stuck to experiencing new possibilities? What can you learn from that?        

This episode finds Holly and Scott exploring lessons from Day of the Dead celebrations and how they can support our inidividual and family well-being.  What follows here is the column they send out by email each week that is always on the same theme as the weekly podcast.  You can signt up for the weekly email column HERE. What the Day of the Dead Teaches Us About Emotional and Family Wellness While Americans are having fun celebrating Halloween this week, other countries around the world, especially in Mexico and Latin America, will be celebrating El Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Our love for Mexico is immense, as we have traveled there many times for both fun and service projects. In honor of El Día de los Muertos, we are going to share four wellness compass points we can all learn from this centuries-old tradition, which provides guidance for living with loss and strengthening family bonds. Grief Doesn't Have an Expiration Date Modern culture often treats grief as something we are supposed to get over—we're expected to "move on" or find "closure" within socially acceptable timeframes. Day of the Dead rituals cultivate a very different relationship with death. By creating tables in the home filled with photos, favorite foods, and cherished objects of loved ones who have passed away, families acknowledge that love doesn't end at death. Research on grief now affirms that maintaining connections with deceased loved ones is healthy and adaptive. Setting a place at the table, cooking grandmother's recipe, or simply speaking to those we've lost isn't denial—it's integration. This tradition normalizes ongoing relationships with the dead, removing the shame many feel when grief continues to be felt long after the loss. Collective Remembering Heals Isolation Grief can be profoundly lonely, especially in cultures where discussing death feels taboo. Day of the Dead traditions transform mourning from private suffering into communal celebration. Families and friends gather in cemeteries, not with somber silence but with music, food, and storytelling, normalizing everyone's pain while reminding us we're not alone in it. Sharing memories, laughing through tears, and sometimes resolving conflicting stories about complicated relatives can help ease the pain, as everyone is allowed to express sadness openly. We Can Hold Joy and Sorrow Simultaneously Perhaps the most striking aspect of El Día de los Muertos is its refusal to make grief only somber, as the day is also a fiesta of celebration. This isn't minimizing loss but rather honoring the fullness of life, including its ending. Families laugh while remembering funny quirks of the deceased, celebrate their loves and passions, and acknowledge their humanity with both fondness and honesty. It teaches that healing doesn't mean forgetting, and remembering doesn't require constant sorrow. Rituals Provide Structure for Difficult Emotions Grief often feels overwhelming because it's formless. Day of the Dead traditions offer concrete actions: gathering flowers, preparing specific foods, visiting the cemetery, and arranging an altar with reminders and possessions of the loved one. These rituals create containers for big emotions, making them more manageable. Creating annual traditions around remembrance gives families something to do with their love and longing, transforming passive sadness into active honoring. As we navigate the losses in our own lives, El Día de los Muertos reminds us that the healthiest approach to loss and death isn't avoidance but integration—weaving our loved ones into our ongoing story with both tears and laughter.   Making It Personal 1. Have you ever felt pressure to "move on" from a loss or difficult emotion before you were ready? What would it look like to give yourself permission to grieve without a timeline? 2. Think of someone you've lost who still influences your life. What are the small ways you continue to honor or maintain a connection with them? How does keeping their memory alive bring you comfort or guidance? 3. What ritual or concrete action could you create to honor someone you've lost or to process difficult emotions? This could be cooking a special meal, visiting a meaningful place, or creating a small tradition. How might having this structure help contain and express what feels overwhelming?

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)   What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column. You can subscribe to the weekly column HERE. Making the Problem the Problem, Not the Person We've all been there: a conflict starts small—maybe it's about whose turn it is to handle the dishes or a disagreement about something important you're planning together—and suddenly you're no longer discussing the actual issue. Instead, you're blaming each other for being difficult or stubborn. The conversation has shifted from the problem itself to attacking the other person. This only leads to hurt feelings and damaged relationships, with little progress on actually resolving the challenge at hand. Here are four "compass points" to help us all work together on challenges we are facing, rather than turning against each other. The problem is separate from the people working on it. When we're frustrated or stressed, it's natural to want someone to blame. Our partner didn't take out the trash again, so we label them "irresponsible." Our friend is never as punctual as we are, so we label them as "uncaring" or "absent-minded." The moment we make this shift, we've stopped being companions working toward a solution and have become opponents in a battle neither of us can win. Focusing on the problem creates constructive solutions; blaming people creates defensiveness. When someone feels attacked, their brain goes into protection mode—they're no longer thinking about solving the issue; they're thinking about defending themselves or counterattacking. Consider a group of volunteers planning an event for a nonprofit. Half want a large event with a big budget, while the other half want something smaller and less expensive. They can frame this two ways: "Those people are spendthrifts who don't care about our finances" versus "Those people are tightwads too afraid to take risks." Or they could say: "The problem is that we haven't yet come up with a plan that has buy-in from all of us. Let's keep talking and find a recommendation that honors what each of us values." Empathy helps us remember that a person's identity is separate from their thoughts and behaviors. Well-intentioned people often disagree. That doesn't make one person "good" and the other "bad." When we remember this, everyone's dignity remains intact—no one is being labeled or attacked. This means creative problem-solving becomes possible because defensive walls come down, and relationships strengthen because you're reminded you're on the same side. Sometimes behavior needs to be directly addressed—but still without making the person the problem. If someone close to us has a drinking problem, for instance, we need to address that behavior directly. But we have a choice in how we approach it. Attacking them and labeling them as an alcoholic is unlikely to help. More effective would be: "We've talked many times about the impact alcohol is having on our life together, and each time it leads to a blowup. I don't like how angry we both get. How about we go together to talk to a professional to help us find a way forward?" Here, the problem is the alcohol and the conflict it creates in their life, not the person. Making it Personal: 1. Are you stuck in a conflict cycle where you or others are attacking and defending rather than collaborating? How might you shift the focus back to the problem? 2. How does it feel when someone makes you the problem rather than addressing the issue? How might this awareness change your approach? 3. The next time conflict arises, commit to keeping the focus on the problem—not on labeling people.

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)   What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column. You can subscribe to the weekly column HERE. Our Need for Different Kinds of Rest Our Wellness Compass Initiative is a holistic approach to wellness. With that in mind, we offer four "Compass Points" that speak to multiple dimensions of rest, as well as help us become aware of our inner attitudes about the role of rest in our lives. Let's all be counter-cultural and prioritize the many kinds of rest you need for your overall well-being. 1. Physical Rest: It's not just about enough sleep There are numerous studies on the connection between various diseases and chronic sleep deprivation. "I'll sleep when I'm dead" takes on a new meaning when we fool ourselves into thinking we can ignore the biological basis of needing adequate sleep. Not getting enough sleep affects our mental health and our relationships, too. Irritability is just one symptom of low sleep. Beyond sleep, we will also benefit from restorative practices that nurture our physical well-being, such as walks (when possible), stretching, and yoga.  We only get one body to live in. Being sure it gets enough rest and renewal is essential to our overall well-being.   2. Mental Rest: Reducing Cognitive Overload Our minds process thousands of thoughts daily, and the constant demands of decision-making, problem-solving, and listening to or scrolling through the news of the day can create excessive mental fatigue.  Restorative practices for mental exhaustion can include taking a break from the news for a while, making time for meditation, spending time outdoors in nature, or listening to music. When our mind feels foggy or we struggle to concentrate, we are not being lazy—we are experiencing mental exhaustion that requires rest and renewal. 3. Emotional Rest: Permission to Be Authentic Two primary causes of emotional exhaustion are caregiving for others and being constantly "on" for others, where we don't feel safe expressing our true feelings; instead, we present a facade. Emotional rest can be found when we can balance caregiving with self-care, recognizing that self-care is not selfish. Rest also comes when we have safe spaces—whether it's with trusted friends or family, or perhaps a therapist — where we can drop our masks and authentically share all our emotions.   4. Become Aware of Our Mindset Regarding the Importance of Rest  We live in a culture obsessed with busyness, where we are more like human doings than human beings. It hasn't always been so. Ancient cultures prioritized the importance of sabbath time. At Wellness Compass, we often discuss becoming more aware of the many compasses that guide our habits and behavior—often outside of our conscious awareness. Busyness and an over-identification with achievement and action are inner compasses that sometimes minimize or even ridicule the importance of rest. Being tired much of the time can even be seen as a badge of honor in many circles.  Therefore, it is essential that we surface our own deeper attitudes about rest and recognize that in our fast-paced world, prioritizing rest and self-care may feel counter-cultural. Making this counter-cultural choice, though, is essential to our overall well-being.   Making it Personal: As you read points 1-3, is there an area of rest that could benefit from your attention at this time? If so, what's one thing you can do in the day or week to experience some rest in that area of wellness? Reading point 4, are you aware of any attitudes or biases you have about the importance of rest?  

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column that we email out each Friday morning.  Our weekly podcast is an expansion for the column. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE. Transcending the Limits of Either-Or Thinking In our counseling practices, we often hear clients express their struggles in absolute terms.  "I'm either a complete success or a total failure." "My relationship is either perfect or it's over." "I'm either productive or I'm lazy." This pattern, known as either-or thinking, can significantly impact our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. Here are four Wellness Compass points about this cognitive trap and how to move beyond it. 1. Either-Or Thinking Creates Unnecessary Distress When we force ourselves, others, and situations into rigid categories, we set ourselves up for suffering. A single mistake can become evidence of complete incompetence. One disagreement with a partner can signal doom for the relationship. A rest day means we've lost all discipline. This binary lens intensifies anxiety and depression, creating a constant state of evaluation where we're perpetually sorting experiences into "good" or "bad" boxes. The most significant problem with this thinking is that it creates little room for the messy, complicated middle ground where most of life actually happens. 2. Notice Absolute Language We often talk with our clients about the importance of awareness and intention. The first step toward change is awareness. When we catch ourselves thinking in extremes, we can pause and ask: "What else might be true here?" A disappointing work presentation doesn't make us incompetent; it makes us someone who had an off day and is still learning. We can be frustrated with someone we love, and still love them deeply. We can allow ourselves to remain open to learning about a key issue, and not view it as a weakness if we change our minds as we gain more knowledge and experience.  3. Recognize That Growth Happens in the Gray Zone Chances are that we have all experienced a time when we made a change or decision and later changed our mind. If we are locked into either-or thinking, we might lose the flexibility to change our minds or admit that we were wrong. The "gray zone" is the space between polar opposites. The gray zone is often where we remain open to learning and growing, where we are neither wholly lost nor fully arrived. This is actually where the most meaningful growth occurs. Accepting this reality helps us remain patient and curious, rather than judgmental, during the learning process. 4. Embrace Paradox and "Both-And" Awareness Life is full of contradictions, and holding multiple truths simultaneously is a sign of psychological maturity, not weakness. You can feel grateful for what you have while still wanting things to improve. You can be both anxious and hopeful, tired and committed, imperfect and amazing, confused and clear, vulnerable and strong. The goal is, of course, not to eliminate all either-or thinking but to recognize when that kind of thinking is limiting us. By expanding our perspective to include the vast spectrum between extremes, we create space for self-compassion, new insights, resilience, and a more authentic relationship with ourselves and others.  Questions for Making it Personal 1. Can you identify a recent time when you were caught up in either-or thinking that was limiting for you or your relationship with someone? 2. If you affirmatively answered question one, what steps can you take to soften that either-or thinking? What might you replace it with? 3. How comfortable are you with the concept of being in the gray zone—the place where you are still learning and growing?  Are you willing to acknowledge when you don't know something or when you were wrong about something?

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Compass Column which is emailed each Friday morning-the content of our column and podcast are always related. You can find our columns at: https://www.wellnesscompass.org/column A Few Things We Can Learn From Dr. Jane Goodall Each of our four Wellness Compass Points this week is a quote from scientist Dr. Jane Goodall, who passed away this week at the age of ninety-one. She will be remembered for many things, but probably most often for the way her scientific curiosity and her work with chimpanzees in the forests of Gombe remind us of the interconnectedness of all life. As therapists who think and practice systemically, we are especially grateful for her teachings about how all of life is an interconnected web and that every action we take in the world has a profound impact on all beings.  1. "The greatest danger to our future is apathy." "Am I really making a positive difference in the world?" is a question that any of us may ask ourselves from time to time. There is a lot that needs our attention in our personal and collective lives, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. The opposite of apathy is hope—not naive optimism, but a disciplined choice to keep showing up as a force for good in the world.    2. "Lasting change is a series of compromises. And compromise is all right, as long as your values don't change." Too often, compromise is viewed as a sign of weakness.  Remembering that we are all interconnected with all other living organisms helps us realize that compromise is always necessary to achieve the greater good. There is almost always more that unites than divides us. Note that her quote does not ask us to compromise our core values, but to hold true to them with kindness, humility, and respect. None of us possesses all the wisdom.  3. "What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make." During the pandemic, we wrote about how the question wasn't Are we contagious?" but rather "What are we contagious with?" Our emotional and spiritual energy is always contagious to those we interact with—either positively or negatively. We all make a difference —the question is, "What kind of difference do we want to make in the world?". 4. "You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference." Here, Dr. Goodall reminds us always to be aware of the impact our actions and words have on ourselves and those around us. This quote brings to mind two quotes from our Wellness Compass Initiative: "The grass is greener where you water it," and "Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow." Three Questions for Making It Personal 1. Does one of these quotes particularly speak to you? If so, why, and what might you do to put the wisdom of that quote into action? 2. Do you struggle with apathy? If so, what's one thing you can do to help you recover a sense of hope?  3. Is there a situation in your life right now where an openness to compromise might serve the greater good?

In recognition of September being National Recovery Month, we are pleased to share four Wellness Compass Points that offer wellness wisdom for everyone, drawing on the traditions of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-Step recovery groups.     Wellness Wisdom for Everyone from the Twelve Steps: Celebrating Recovery Month Four Wellness Compass Points & Three Questions 1. Whether dealing with addiction, excessive worrying, perfectionism, or any self-limiting set of behaviors, the wisdom of the Twelve Steps teaches us that some challenges cannot be solved alone. Actually, the first step towards making change is acknowledging our need for help from others and from our spirituality.  2. The practice of daily self-reflection and honest accountability, central to the Steps, can transform any area of life by helping us recognize harmful patterns, before they spiral, and then to celebrate progress as it happens. 3. Making direct amends for our mistakes reminds us that true healing comes through changed actions and the rebuilding of trust, not just good intentions or words. 4. The principle of service to others who face similar struggles (Step #12) reveals a fundamental truth about human nature – that we often find our deepest sense of purpose and most successful recovery when we focus on lifting up those who are facing similar challenges.       3 Questions to Make This Personal If you or someone you know is in recovery, what broader life lessons have you learned form them or have they modeled for you? Is there a change you want to make that would benefit from the  support of others? If so, how will you find this support?

Emotional Flooding: Four Wellness Compass Points and Three Questions   Psychologist and author John Gottman describes emotional flooding as "a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion." Here are Four Compass Points to help guide us when this happens.  1. Everyone gets emotionally flooded from time to time, so it's essential to recognize the warning signs when this is happening to us. Pay attention to physical cues like rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or feeling hot. Notice emotional signs like racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or the urge to react, retaliate, or get even. When you catch these early signals, you can intervene before reaching full emotional overwhelm. Remember that emotional flooding is a natural response to powerful feelings, stress, or trauma—it's not a sign of weakness. 2. Hit the pause button. While we can't always control when our emotions take over, we do have the choice to pause rather than react. When we feel intensity building, we can stop and slow down. We don't have to immediately say what we are thinking or feeling—or send that email, or create that social media post. We can pause by taking a walk, sleeping on it, talking with others, or spending time doing whatever helps us to calm down.  3. Take responsibility for yourself, rather than blaming others. A classic response of a young child when they have done something they regret is, "but they did it first!" Let's be more mature than that. If someone throws a lit match at us, we are responsible for any gasoline inside of us that leads to an explosion. While someone else may have done something that triggers our emotional flooding, we are responsible for how we handle ourselves at that moment. 4. Saying, "I'm sorry," can be an expression of strength. Impulsive reactions while we are flooded do not come from a place of strength, and yet they happen. Apologizing and making amends when we have said or done things we regret is a sign of strength and a commitment to our ongoing emotional growth.   Making This Personal: 3 Questions Just as a compass helps us to check our bearings and see if we are on the course we intend, these questions invite us to make these thoughts about emotional flooding personal for each of us.  1. Have you recently experienced emotional flooding?  2. If so, how satisfied are you with how you handled it?  3. Is there anything you learned from your recent experience, or from these four Compass Points, that you want to put into practice going forward?    Leave a comment for our podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org

  Welcome back to season five of the Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We are glad to be back with you.  Fall is a time of transitions, and we have one of our own to share with you regarding the structure of this column. Just as a compass has four points, our new format will feature four essential points of wisdom each week on a different wellness or mental health topic. We think you will find this new structure easier to remember and more practical for application in your life. What remains the same is our mission of our overall non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, now in its eighteenth year: to enhance mental health and resilience in individuals, families, schools, organizations, and communities. As always, we welcome your feedback and suggestions for future topics you would like to see addressed.   And speaking of transitions, our first column and podcast for this season offers four points for navigating transitions with greater awareness and intention. Whether you or someone else is navigating the start of school transition, or any of a myriad of other changes —such as a job change, coping with loss or a death, adjusting to a new health reality, or a change in a relationship —we hope you find these four points helpful.     Four Points for Navigating a Transition 1. Normalize and accept the feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty that come with transitions--our own and others. The bigger the change, the deeper the feelings, and the longer the adjustment will take. Don't rush the process of adapting to the change or loss. 2. Relationships can be quite tender during transitions. Resist acting out or projecting your feelings onto others when you are in the midst of change.  3. Small daily practices, such as morning routines, regular exercise, mindfulness/meditation, and consistent sleep schedules, can provide stability and comfort when life feels uncertain or in flux. 4. Seeking support from friends, family, and professionals during transitions is an expression of wisdom and strength, helping you process emotions and gain perspective. Making It Personal: Do any of these points speak to you regarding a transition you are navigating? If so, how might you put that into practice? Do you know someone who is in the midst of a transition that could use your support? And please remember to subscribe to this podcast to get updates regarding new episodes.  We would also appreciate you reviews and ratings in your app, as well as helping us to grow this nonprofit podcast by sharing it with others. Thank you! There is a weekly Wellness Compass Column that is emailed each Friday morning that corresponds with this podcast. You can sign up to receive this free weekly email at www.WellnessCompass.org  

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.   ASAP: As Slow As Possible As we prepare to transition to summer, many people look forward to two things: more time outdoors and a slower rhythm of life. If you are a regular reader/listener of our weekly column and podcast, you know we take a break from producing this content between Memorial Day and Labor Day. We do this so that we, too, can spend more time outdoors and live our lives at a slower pace. When we recently came across several creative versions of the well-known phrase ASAP (see box above), we posted them on our refrigerator to serve as a compass for how we intend to enjoy this coming summer. All of these are a reminder to us that there is more to life than hurrying. And we have been fun creating our own versions, too.  In our fast-paced, always "on" world, hurrying is seen by some as a badge of honor. Many of us rush from task to task, conversation to conversation, rarely pausing to breathe, let alone reflect. While we may equate speed with productivity and importance, this culture of constant motion comes at a cost—one that takes a toll on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. There is an excellent quote that also appears on our refrigerator door.  "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." The quote is often attributed to Lao-tzu's ancient book Tao Te Ching, or Book of the Way,  but we have seen it attributed to other sources, too. No matter the source, the wisdom is a good reminder for us all as we transition to the rhythms of summer. And let's not confuse slowness with laziness. Slowing down is an intentional choice in the midst of a culture addicted to urgency. It's one thing we can do to reclaim our wellness, our spirit, and our lives. We invite you to consider alternatives to the familiar ASAP that might guide your rhythm this summer as we have been doing. One idea we came up with is to make this summer a time to"Allow Space And Pause," which is precisely what we will be doing with pausing our column and podcast over the coming months. And as we take a break until September, we wish you all a wonderful summer, a summer where you might…   Align Summer Aspirations Purposefully Adjust Slowly Allowing Peace Admire Summer's Awesomeness Plentifully Anchor Summer Adventures Peacefully Appreciate Summer Abundance Playfully Awaken Summer Adventure Passion Activate Summer Aliveness Practices   ….."And Similarly Add Phrases" to our list. In other words, feel free to play with and create your own wisdom version of ASAP.

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. Let's Normalize Conversations with One Another  about Our Mental Health   You may have heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In honor of that, we thought it would be helpful to offer two simple yet powerful ways we can all help reduce the stigma of talking about mental health.   Suggestion One: Let's normalize talking about our emotional pain, just like we do with physical pain. Feeling sad or anxious during a difficult time in life is as natural as feeling pain in our back or knee due to aging or injury. And yet, for many people, it's much easier to talk about physical pain.    Do you often apologize when you break down crying when talking with someone? That might be because you internalized a message that it's not okay to share sadness and vulnerability with others.     When we share emotional pain with others, it becomes a little easier to bear—just like we might feel relief when we talk about a physical ailment.   Suggestion Two: Let's normalize listening when someone opens up about an emotional challenge. When someone shares that they're feeling down or on edge, and we respond with silence or quickly change the subject, they may end up feeling even more isolated. Instead, we can show care by staying present, asking gentle questions, and offering our full attention. Listening deeply helps others feel seen and supported.   It wasn't that long ago that people avoided talking about cancer. The "C word" was often spoken in whispers, adding shame and loneliness to an already difficult experience. Thankfully, that has changed—talking openly about cancer is now common, and support is readily available.   This May, let's take another step forward. Let's all do our part to normalize open conversations about mental health—starting by talking honestly about our own experiences and by listening compassionately to others.                                        

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. THE WISDOM OF MOMISMS   It's been a few years since we shared some of the wise advice that mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women we have all been blessed to know have shared with us throughout our lives. We call these wise, pithy sayings Momisms.    Here are a few of our favorites, and because this is a wellness column, we also share ways these words of advice apply to various aspects of well-being.   "I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving it? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.   "If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This Momism contains some great wellness insights. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important, then, to carefully observe the habits we are forming. The second insight of this Momism has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors, and it is easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually do change at some point.   "This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, any current struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of life's larger time frame. "Take care of a goldfish, and then you can get a dog." It's important to start small when taking on any new challenge or responsibility. New habits and big goals are realized in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run your first 5K, or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major.   "I don't care what everybody else is doing; you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't mean that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.   "The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and must be cared for and nurtured to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships. This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as that is what builds and strengthens relationships.   "Please call me when you get there, so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were young, we might have rolled our eyes, thinking that our mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.   As we pause to celebrate all mothers this weekend, may we also give thanks for the wisdom they, along with other influential women in our lives, have taught us over the years.   Feel free to share your favorite Momism on our Wellness Compass Facebook Page which you find HERE.   

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.   Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar   We both have mindfulness jars on our desks and use them regularly in our coaching practices. And Holly used to use hers in her previous career as a grade school teacher. They are helpful in so many situations. And you can easily make one for yourself—do a quick online search, and you will find many suggestions.    If the concept of a mindfulness jar is new to you, here's a short description. A mindfulness jar is a clear jar (like a Ball jar, for example) that is filled with water, a small amount of clear glue, and glitter. The glue is added to create enough viscosity so that when the jar is shaken, the glitter stays suspended in the liquid for a short time. Then, gradually, within a minute or so, the glitter slowly settles back to the bottom of the jar.    If you want to see one in action, watch this 90-second video demonstration by clicking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MefB0P8ptA       We find ourselves using our mindfulness jars frequently to make some important points. Here are five of the lessons we teach.   1.  It is normal for all of us to find our "jars" shaken up. Life has a way of doing that to us. It could be the news of the day, a harsh word from a friend, colleague, or family member, or even a curt text or email.    2.  The jars are like our minds. When our minds are settled, we can see and think much more clearly. When our jars are shaken up, just the opposite is true. It is impossible to see, think, or act clearly.  And it is best to wait until things settle.    3.  Learning to pause and not react when our jars are jostled gives us the time and space we need to calm down. When we are calm, we can choose a much more helpful response rather than a churned-up reaction.   4.  Learn not to judge your jar or mind when it is stirred up. It happens to everyone. Simply observe and accept it as normal and give it the space and time it needs to calm down.   5.  The benefit of learning a few mindfulness practices (meditation, journaling, prayer practices, contemplative walking, yoga, breathing exercises, etc.) is that we will have the practiced tools on hand to calm and recenter ourselves more quickly.  In fact, doing these practices proactively will help us every day be less vulnerable to getting hijacked by our emotions.    Elvis Presley may have had great success with the number-one hit  "I'm All Shook Up," but for the rest of us, it's something we will rarely, if ever, profit from. We will, however, benefit from learning and accepting the signs of when we are all shook up, and then using some centering practices, maybe even a mindfulness jar,  to calm ourselves down before reacting. 

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Compass Column for this week. Each podcast episode addresses the same theme as the column.     Wellness Begins with We Passover and Easter overlap again this year, allowing us to reflect on the power of these celebrations for hundreds of millions of people worldwide.  The celebrations connected to these holy days, as with the celebrations of all religious holy days, are grounded in bringing people together. While individual beliefs and practices are important, the gathering of community is primary, a practice as old as human civilization. And it's not just true of religious celebrations. We see this same emphasis on community in all kinds of celebrations—graduations, funerals, weddings, and public holidays, to name a few. All of these various community gatherings are essential to our well-being There is a clever way to remember the strong connection between community and well-being. Notice that the word "Wellness" begins with "We." Some have even noted that when the letter "I" in "Illness" is replaced with "We," the word becomes Wellness.  American culture has long celebrated the importance of individualism. Too often, though, this focus on a strong sense of "I" is presented as somehow separate or even in opposition to the importance of a strong "We." The fact is they are always interconnected. Healthy individuals are essential to healthy communities, and healthy communities are critical to strong individual well-being.  Many experts are writing today about a growing sense of isolation and loneliness in our culture and how this is becoming a public health issue.  COVID contributed to this, but the problem began long before the pandemic.  Robert Putnam was one of the first to bring this to our attention with his groundbreaking book, "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revitalization of American Community," written in 2000. Focusing on the trend of Americans who are bowling alone or just one or two others, rather than in leagues as was done in the past, he wrote that the erosion of communal life has seriously affected both public and individual health.  With this in mind, may we all remember that whatever our plans may include this week—whether it be celebrating Passover, Easter, or bowling— let's make sure to prioritize strengthening our bonds with others. Doing so will contribute to both our own well-being, and that of the people with whom we gather.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column, which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.   In-Between Times Life is filled with clear beginnings and endings. As wonderful and/or sad as these times may be, the majority of life is filled with in-between times. These are the spaces where we are neither where we were, nor where we are going—just like spring here in Wisconsin, still cold and windy, yet sunny and the snow is gone, so it's neither fully winter nor spring. It's more of an in-between time. These in-between times can be uncertain, challenging, and even unsettling. Yet, they also hold immense potential for growth, reflection, and renewal. In-between times take many forms. They may be the weeks between leaving one job and starting another, moving from one home to another, or the years between childhood and adulthood. These liminal spaces—where we exist between what was and what will be—are often overlooked and even undervalued because they can be difficult. However, they can be some of the most formative moments in our lives. The world encourages us to hurry through these periods, to rush to the next milestone. But what if we embraced them instead? What if we saw these in-between moments not as obstacles or times we have to trudge through, but as essential parts of our journey? It's natural to feel uncomfortable in these times. Most of us crave certainty, a clear direction, and tangible results. However, some of life's most profound lessons come not in the moments of achievement, but in the waiting. Psychologist and author William Bridges describes transitions as three-stage processes: endings, neutral zones, and new beginnings. The neutral zone—the in-between time—can be where we grieve what we've left behind, wonder about what's next, and ultimately become the person ready to step into a new phase of life. Instead of resisting these moments, we can choose to find meaning in them. Here's a few ideas of what helps:  1. Embrace Reflection The in-between provides space to slow down and reflect. What lessons have you learned? What do you truly want to be moving toward? Journaling, meditation, or quiet walks can help bring clarity. 2. Practice Patience It's tempting to want to rush toward the next chapter, but growth takes time. Trust that the waiting has a purpose. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly overnight—transformation happens in the cocoon. 3. Stay Open to Possibilities Sometimes, the best opportunities arise in the spaces where we least expect them. An in-between time might seem like a pause, but it can also be a doorway to something better than you imagined. 4. Take Care of Yourself Transitions can be draining, both emotionally and physically. Prioritize self-care, whether that means nourishing your body, leaning on a support system, or allowing yourself to rest. If and when you find yourself in an in-between time, remember that it is not wasted time. It is a time of becoming, of preparing, of evolving. Though it may feel uncertain, remember that this time is also full of potential. The next step will reveal itself when you are ready—but for the moment, honor the space you are in.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.     Well Connected  We recently came across an extended quote from Albert Einstein that we would like to share with you today. "A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the 'Universe,' a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.  This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty.  Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security."   As we reflect on the connection of Einstein's words to wellness, the focus of this column, we are aware that a foundation of our wellness is acknowledging our deep inter-dependency with all people, and with all of creation. Certainly, the contagion of the COVID virus was a clear reminder of just how interconnected we all are. Imagine a mobile hanging from a ceiling over a baby's crib. If someone were to jiggle one piece of the mobile all the other pieces would also jiggle, even though you weren't directly moving them. Why? Because they are all interconnected.  As family therapists, we often observe this when a family member faces a crisis or challenge. The person facing the challenge is clearly distressed, but soon, those who are closely connected to the person will also feel distressed. It also works the other way. When one person in a family, team, or group feels centered and joyous, that can also radiate out to those with whom they are connected.  Our deep inter-connectedness, as the intellectual icon Albert Einstein so eloquently explained, is a gift. When we remember it and nourish it regularly, not only do we benefit, but so does everyone with whom we are connected. 

Turning Over the Soil Wisconsin is known for it many Rails to Trails bike paths. Converting former rail lines to bike trails gives a safe (and flat) way to explore the countryside on two wheels. We ride these trails regularly and were delighted to get out for our first ride of the year this week.   Wisconsin is also known for its abundant and fertile farmland. On our ride, we saw many farmers on their tractors plowing and turning over their soil as they prepared for planting season.  And because we love to think in metaphors, we both agreed that turning over the soil from time to time is a great practice in relationships, too. All relationships—couples, families, and friendships can benefit from turning over the soil to prepare for new growth.   Just as soil can become compacted, making it difficult for seeds to take root and thrive, in the same way, relationships can settle into patterns that, while familiar, may not always be healthy or life-giving. Unspoken resentments, unresolved conflicts, or simply the busyness of life can harden the ground between two people. Turning over the soil of a relationship means being willing to address these hardened areas, having open conversations, and being intentional about creating space for both honesty and vulnerability. One way to do this is through regular check-ins. Just as a farmer regularly inspects the soil for signs of dryness or depletion, couples, friends, or family members can do the same. Are there areas of tension that need attention? Are there needs that have going unspoken or unmet? Asking these questions and listening with an open heart can help break up the hard ground and make room for renewal. At other times, the soil of our lives and our relationships get turned over not by choice, but because some kind of storm occurs. These are scary times, and the times people most often reach out to us as therapists.  But while these unbidden storms can create turmoil in the short run, they can also be opportunities for new growth.   We have a saying about relationships that captures how important they are to our wellbeing: "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships." While we are not farmers, we imagine that the same can be said about the role of preparing and tending the soil in determining the quality of crops. And it would seem that in both, turning over the soil from time to time keeps things healthy and growing.  

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.   Hope Springs Eternal Yesterday marked the first day of spring.  In Wisconsin, where we live, it was more a day of hope than one of actual warmth. As we watched two determined golfers tee off on a course still dusted with snow, we couldn't help but think of the timeless words of English poet Alexander Pope, written in 1733: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast." His words capture the enduring optimism that keeps us looking ahead, whether to the promise of blooming flowers or simply a snow-free round of golf. This same spirit of hope is evident in another beloved springtime tradition: the NCAA College Basketball Tournaments for Men and Women. March Madness is in full swing, bringing with it the excitement of one hundred thirty-six teams (sixty-eight Men's teams and sixty-eight Women's teams) battling for a national championship. Players and fans alike embrace the exhilarating uncertainty, filling out their brackets in the hopes of predicting the tournament's twists and turns. Millions take part in this annual ritual, eagerly guessing the outcomes of each of the games. The odds of completing a perfect bracket—accurately predicting every single game—are an astonishing 9.2 quintillion to one. To put that into perspective, do you know how long 9.2 quintillion seconds adds up to? 100 years? 1,000 years? The correct answer is 292 billion years! And yet, in spite of those odds, hopeful fans enter the fray, trusting their instincts, crunching statistics, and making bold predictions—or if you are like the two of us, wild guesses. But just as quickly as hope rises, reality sets in. Unexpected upsets—known as "bracket busters"—shatter expectations, leaving participants to wonder what went wrong. With each surprising outcome, we are reminded that hope, though resilient, often requires renewal. In many ways, sports serve as a mirror for life. Just as we faithfully fill out our brackets with expectations of success, we also approach life's adventures—new jobs, relationships, and personal goals—hoping for clear paths and predictable outcomes. But life, like basketball, is full of surprises. Our "brackets" of carefully laid plans don't always hold up. Unexpected challenges arise, and our best predictions fall apart. Yet, just as the teams continue to play, giving their all despite the knowledge that only one will ultimately emerge victorious, we, too, carry on. Sixty-seven of the sixty-eight teams in both tournaments will end their season with a loss. But does that stop them from playing with heart, determination, and the belief that anything is possible? Of course not. Their love of the game and the belief that hope springs eternal keep them pushing forward. And in that, we find a powerful lesson: life isn't about perfect predictions or avoiding failure—it's about showing up, playing with passion, and embracing each moment, regardless of the outcome. So as we navigate both the unpredictability of March Madness and the uncertainties of life, we take inspiration from the athletes who give their all, even when the odds are against them. Let's keep showing up, not because we can predict or control the future, but because we love participating in the journey. And because, no matter what, hope will always spring eternal. 

What follows is our weekly Wellness Compass column. This column is sent out by email each Friday, and our podcast each week addresses the same topic as the column.     Making Time for Joy We both started music lessons a few weeks ago for instruments that are new for each of us. Holly is taking ukulesle lessons, and Scott is taking bluegrass fiddle lessons. We had been saying we were going to do this for a long time, and now that we are enjoying it so much, we wonder why we waited so long. Making time for the lessons and practicing has reminded us how much fun making music is and how much joy it is bringing us.  The semi-annual practice of having just changed our clocks has once again offered all of us an excellent opportunity to reflect on how we use our time. As we shifted our clocks forward, it reminded us to also consider other shifts we might want to make regarding our time. Much like evaluating our finances—deciding how to spend, save, or share our money—considering how we spend our time can also be a meaningful practice. Taking a moment to assess how we are using our time need not be a negative experience; instead, it's a chance to recognize what's working well and where we might want to shift. That's what we did when we realized we wanted to spend less time doing passive activities and instead prioritize time learning to play new instruments. We shifted our attention and how we spend part of our time each day and week. Sometimes, life can feel unacceptably busy, leaving little room for relaxation and peace. Other times, we may feel like we have an abundance of time on our hands but struggle to use it meaningfully. In either case, pausing to reflect on how we choose to spend our time can be valuable. Instead of judging ourselves, we find that one simple question can be particularly helpful: "What is one thing that you could shift by spending more or less time doing this week, something that would bring you joy?" Take a moment to ask yourself this question with kindness and curiosity. If an answer comes to mind, embrace it and take a step toward realigning your time with what truly matters to you. For us, that means making more time for the fun of music in our lives. What might it be for you?

What follows are the words from our Wellness Compass Weekly column. This free column is sent to email subscribers each Friday morning and addresses the same topic as our weekly podcast.     Are We There Yet? Everyone who has traveled on a long-distance road trip with children will get the same question at some point, as a tired voice from the backseat asks, "Are we there yet?"   We live in Wisconsin and are known to ask similar questions related to the coming of spring. One day the sun is out and gradually melts all the snow left on the ground. A few days later, the temperatures drop twenty-five degrees, and a fresh arrival of new snow comes down, covering the ground again. When it comes to spring, we become impatient and want to know, "Are we there yet? We just concluded another round of Wellness Circles online. Wellness Circles are our core six-week small group program that we created many years ago to bring people together to identify an area of wellness they want to enhance, and then support one another in making the desired changes that have been identified. A few of the kinds of things people want to work in a wellness circle include:   I want to reconnect with my child as we haven't been getting along. I want to find a new job. I want to be more physically active. I want to have a difficult conversation that I have been avoiding with someone close to me.  I want to create a better work/life balance.    Inevitably, about halfway through the six-week Wellness Circle, participants commonly become impatient with the progress they are making.  Like the children on the road trip, and with the weather here in Wisconsin, we want to know, "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking soooooo long?!" Change always takes longer than we wish. We get tired of waiting and quickly become impatient. And change, like the weather, is not a linear process. No matter what our intentions are, we always learn in a Wellness Circle that it is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves grace. If we are not careful, we can turn our impatience in on ourselves or direct it out toward others. Wellness Circle participants often discover how much easier it is to extend compassion and patience to others than to themselves. We were sharing our idea for this column with a friend, and she told us that whenever she and her brother would ask her parents the road trip question, "Are we there yet?" her parents would offer this response: "No, we are not there yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." She said that as a child, that answer always frustrated her, but now, as an adult, she has come to realize that this is the best answer of all—for children and any of us who are becoming impatient with change.  So, remember when you or someone else asks, "Are we there yet? or, "When will we get there?"--you can simply respond, "No, not yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." 

What follows is the weekly column called the Wellness Compass that addreses the same topic each week as our weekly podcast. The Stories We Tell Ourselves Human beings are natural storytellers. This weekend, the Oscars will celebrate the gifted storytellers who have shared their stories through film this year. This column is about wellness, not movie reviews (although we both loved A Complete Unknown), so we would like to reflect on storytelling from a mental health perspective.  Have you ever found yourself convinced that someone was upset with you, only to later find out that they weren't? Or maybe you assumed that a situation would go terribly wrong, only for it to turn out just fine? These are examples of the stories we make up in our heads—stories that shape our emotions, decisions, and even our reality, even when they aren't actually true. Our minds are meaning-making machines. This is especially true when we are dealing with uncertainty. That's when we are more likely to try to fill in the blanks, creating explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. The problem is that these explanations—the stories we create—are sometimes based on assumptions, past experiences, or fears rather than actual facts. For example, a friend doesn't text us back right away, so we create a story that they are upset with us. We receive an email and ascribe a tone to it that we actually don't know is accurate or not. A friend or loved one is late to meet us for coffee and we create the assumption they don't really want to spend time with us. A colleague is distracted when talking with us, and we assume they are not interested in what we are saying.    The problem with creating stories that are not true is that we often start acting as if they are true.  If we assume someone is angry with us, we may begin to act defensive, distant, or even resentful. In response, they may become confused or frustrated, reinforcing our belief that they are, in fact, upset. This is how our made-up stories can actually become self-fulfilling prophecies.   When I, Holly, was a high school teacher, I often heard students say, they would never be good at a certain subject. This sometimes caused them to not even try, which then re-enforced their beliefs. I, Scott, was recently talking with a colleague who was yawning constantly. At one point I simply asked, "Is what I'm saying boring you?" They immediately apologized and said that they had been up most of the previous night with their sick child. If I hadn't checked out my assumption, I might have concluded that I needed to think twice about sharing my thoughts with this person.   The stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, relationships, and overall wellbeing. The key is to first become more aware of them and reflect on whether they are actually true or not. It is always best to check out our assumptions. So next time you catch yourself creating an internal storyline, pause, take a breath, and ask: Is this really true? Then, you might take the additional step of checking out any assumptions you are making. You might not get public recognition like the stars at the Oscars for doing this, but you will surely strengthen your relationships with others.  

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic.  The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.   Just Bring Yourself Recently, someone invited us to dinner and, when we asked what we could bring, they replied, "Just bring yourself." That simple phrase stuck with us, not only because of its graciousness but also because of the deeper wisdom it holds. In a world that often pressures us to do more, be more, and prove our worth through our achievements or contributions, it is nice to be reminded that our presence alone is enough. "Just bring yourself" is an invitation to show up authentically, without pretense, without the need to impress or perform. It's a reminder that who we are, at our core, is valuable and welcomed. Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in any relationship. When we show up as our true selves—vulnerabilities and all—we create deeper connections and invite others to do the same. Healthy relationships are built not on perfection but on presence. When we are real with one another, we cultivate trust and intimacy, creating spaces where we and others can feel seen and accepted. Too often, we hesitate to show up fully as ourselves out of fear that we are not enough. We may feel pressure to hide our insecurities, or to present a polished version of our lives. But true connections happen not from what we do or bring, but from simply being who we are and allowing others to do the same. In our work as marriage and family therapists, we have seen how transformational it can be when people allow themselves to be fully present. Whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a community, relationships thrive when we show up with honesty and openness rather than trying to curate a perfect image.  We are all so much more than the images we see or even share on social media. Likewise, when we offer this same kind of acceptance to others—welcoming them just as they are—we create a ripple effect of kindness and belonging. This kind of radical hospitality affirms that each person is enough, just as they are, without conditions or expectations. Next time you receive an invitation—whether to a dinner, a conversation, or a new opportunity—remember that the most meaningful thing you can bring is yourself. You are enough. Just bring yourself.       

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic.  The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.   Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine's Day This Tuesday, I, Holly, had the privilege of spending my day in a combined Middle and High School (Turner MS/HS in Beloit, WI) for their annual Mental Health Awareness Day. During this Valentine's week, everyone school-wide had set the day aside to focus on supporting student mental health by engaging in several different relaxing activities, engaging in group discussions on related topics, listening to speakers, and getting acquainted with all kinds of resources and organizations that work to support mental health in their area, Rock County, WI.  I was one of those people as I was there to represent our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative. Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with most of those young people (ages 12 -18) and had the honor of listening to their concerns and desires, and meeting their friends.  I also told them about this column and the corresponding Wellness Compass podcast. As a bit of research for our column, I asked them this important question: "What kinds of things would you like me to tell the adults who listen to our podcast about  what they can do to support teen mental health?"    Here are some of their answers: Don't be so judgmental. Share stories of the mistakes you made when you were young. Consider how you sound to others.  Bossy? Controlling?      Freaking Out? Supportive? Don't force things on us, like clubs, activities, and beliefs. Feel free to share your beliefs, but don't force them on us. Laugh and have fun with us. Don't say it's just a phase. It is important to us now. Encourage us. You can say what you need to say without being mean about it.  Check in with us on a regular basis by asking "Are you OK?" And then really listen to what we are feeling. Do things with us, like playing sports, hiking, and playing video games. Honor our thoughts and opinions. Don't jump to conclusions. Give us hugs. Don't make decisions for us. Take interest in our interests. Talk with us, not at us - fewer lectures and more listening, please.   As they spoke, I realized that what they were sharing with me could  be applied to any relationships that we value and care about. So on Tuesday, out of the mouths of our young people came their suggestions for staying connected and supporting the mental health of all those we love. How appropriate for right before Valentine's Day. Their honest words are a good reminder for each of us as we consider how to express our love to all the important people in our lives this Valentine's Day.  Which of their suggestions could you give as a gift to someone on this special day?

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic.  The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.   Rooting for Ourselves   There is so much in the world that needs our love and attention. It is easy to become overwhelmed. No one has enough time or energy to root for or get involved in all the good causes that need our attention and support. So it may be counterintuitive to advocate rooting for one additional thing on top of all the other pulls we may be feeling, but we need to add one more person to our list to root for--and that's ourselves.   We are thinking of two different meanings of rooting. First, we need to be advocates for ourselves. We need to tame the inner critic and be the number one cheerleader and encourager of ourselves. Second, we need to be like trees and cultivate deep inner roots to anchor us when the storms of challenging times come.    Rooting for ourselves is an essential act of self-care, self-love, and personal growth. It is about standing in our own corner, believing in our own worth, and nurturing our own well-being. If a tree wants to grow more branches of support it must also expand its root system to sustain its growth. You know best what helps you feel encouraged—what fills your cup so you have something to pour from. You also know what drains your cup—perhaps it's how you speak to yourself, how busy you are, how much movement you get, and how much rest you get. You also know what helps nurture your spiritual roots- what grounds you in challenging times. It might include meditation, time in nature, prayer, a deeper connection with a spiritual community, spiritual reading, or taking sabbath time to rest.  The goal of self-care is not to become self-centered. The goal is to become a centered self. When we take the time to nurture our own growth and are more centered, we show up more fully in our relationships, our work, and our communities.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic.  The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.   Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can't think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it's called emotional flooding—it's when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day. As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur.  Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it's hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time.     When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible "pit in our stomach," racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety.  Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment.  Rather than blaming someone else and "flying off the handle" (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship.  When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a "time out" for ourselves.  This is an example of the parenting strategy of "counting to ten" when they are feeling angry with a child.  When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help.  1. Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths.  2. Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example.   3. Using "I" statements rather than accusing. "I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly," is far more helpful than "You are the one that is making me act this way right now. Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships.  

What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that Holly and Scott write each week as a companion to this podcast.     Three Rs for Growing Resilience   Resilience is the capacity to respond to and recover from stressful events. Research on resilience has revealed that it is not simply something we have or don't have. What has been discovered is that several key factors—including the choices we can make and habits we can nurture—determine our capacity to be resilient.    In our work as therapists and in our personal lives, we have found that three "Rs" are key to strengthening our resilience muscles.    Relationships: Reaching out for support is key to resilience. If we are not careful, when we feel vulnerable, we may isolate or lash out at others when it would be our advantage to do the opposite. We need to ask for the help and support we need. The myth of the rugged individual who conquers all adversity by themselves is just that…a myth. Of course, nurturing relationships is essential for all aspects of our wellbeing at all times, not just when we are facing a challenge or setback. Sometimes, we are the ones helping friends and family through a hard time, and other times, we are the ones receiving that help and support.   Rest: Healing and recovery always take longer than we wish. Patience is a virtue; it is also a key to resilience. When you experience a loss or a stressful event of any kind, give yourself time to heal. A sprained ankle only recovers when we provide it with rest—not by ignoring it and continuing to walk on it, trying to pretend that everything is okay. Rest is equally essential when our spirit or our emotions are sprained.  Give yourself the gift of slowing down. Reflection: How we think about a stressful event or challenge and the thought frame we put around it will either enhance or limit our resilience.  A thought frame of "Bad things sometimes happen to good people like me, but I know that I can do hard things," is empowering. A thought frame of, "I must deserve this because bad things always happen to me, and life isn't fair, and I'm never going to recover from this," will likely keep us stuck. Research has shown that our spiritual beliefs and worldviews play a crucial role in resilience. If we struggle with negative thought frames, we do not need to judge ourselves; instead, we can try to observe it within ourselves and remember that it is only a thought, not a fact. We might benefit from reaching out for professional support from a therapist or spiritual guide to help us if we find ourselves stuck in this type of thinking.  Loss, challenges, and stressful events are inevitable. Bad things do, in fact, happen to good people. Resilience, however, is not inevitable; instead, it is enhanced by the choices we make.  Focusing today on relationships, rest, and reflection is a good start to strengthening our capacity for resilience, to help us face the struggles in front of us now, and to help prepare us for the inevitable challenges of life.

What follows is the Wellness Compass Weekly Column--a companion column to this podcast.   Relationship Hydration While the topic of New Year's resolutions is complicated, and it's often difficult to know where to start, we have one very simple suggestion—a small resolution that is almost 100% guaranteed to succeed, and that will benefit not only yourself but also those around you as well. Choose one relationship that is important to you. Make it a priority to nurture that relationship with positive thoughts, positive words, and positive actions. Offer encouragement, praise, and gratitude. Water the other person's self-esteem. Put some air in their tires. Tell them how important they are to you. Prioritize spending time with them. If you do this regularly, you will undoubtedly see a growth in positivity and connection in that relationship. A friend shared with us this week that their resolution for the new year after having learned from their doctor that they were chronically dehydrated was to drink more water. The doctor explained that a simple act of drinking more water would have enormous health benefits and would actually make them feel more perky and energetic as well. Thinking in analogies, as we tend to do, we thought of how relationships can also be energized or perked up when we give them more attention or "water them." All living things need water to grow and flourish, and relationships are certainly living things, growing or wilting, depending on their environment.  Don't just take our word for it. Try watering a relationship and see if it makes a difference. We are confident it will and that everyone involved will appreciate the difference your efforts will make. In our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we discuss some specific things we can do to rehydrate a relationship. 

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.   The holiday season is a season of lights. As we approach the darkest day of the year, it's good to remember that lights symbolize hope, a symbol central to both Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations, along with many other traditions. Have you ever noticed that when a tragic event occurs in a community, one of the most common responses is to host a candlelight vigil? This a place where people come together to find strength in each other, and in the small, simple act of lighting each other's candles.  And have you ever stopped to think that when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your light? If you have ten dollars and give five to a friend, monetarily you have half of what you had at the beginning. On the other hand, we can share the light of a candle with countless others, and still, our light burns brightly just the same.   As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, our hope is that we can all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter.    Wishing you all wonderful light-filled holidays, we close with words from Mary Oliver, a favorite poet of ours: "But I also say this:  that light is an invitation to happiness, and that happiness, when it's done right, is a kind of holiness, palpable and redemptive."

What follows is the week Wellness Compass column we send out each Friday morning. This podcast episode expands on this same topic.   Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season Thank you to the reader that wrote us in response to last week's column: "I like the idea of focusing on presence over presents this time of year. Can you give me a suggestion on how to do that?" We would be happy to!  And so here's one idea.  Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and yet, sometimes, our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns where family members is concerned may be magnified as we  find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see.  There is a principle that speaks of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life, including our relationships. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few. A beginner's mind is humble, curious, and open to whatever is to be. What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold. Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly Uncle Bob or Cousin Latoya is going to talk about again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we  commit to practicing wonder and openness and learning more about who they are, and come up to each person as if we are meeting them for the first time. When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we used this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?  The saying "you can't step in the same river twice" could be adapted to remind us that "you can't talk to the same person twice."  Just like the river, the person you are talking to in the present moment is not the same person they were a year ago, or even a month ago—and for that matter, neither are you. There are many ways we can focus on presence, and not just presents, this holiday season. How we do so is not important, but that we do so, is one way to find more meaning in the holidays this year.  

What follows is this week's Weekly Wellness Compass Column, a column that each week focuses on the same topic as the Wellness Compass Podcast.   Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose No one likes to encounter turbulence while flying. However, two things can significantly reduce our anxiety in those bumpy moments: forewarning and preparation. When the captain announces ahead of time, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're expecting some turbulence during the flight so please fasten your seat belts," it shifts the experience. When the turbulence does happen, we feel reassured, knowing the captain anticipated it and is in control. Compare this to a flight where there's no warning, and the turbulence catches everyone off guard. Suddenly, the captain comes on the loudspeaker, urgently telling passengers to sit down and buckle up. The lack of preparation creates unnecessary stress. With this metaphor in mind, consider this is your captain's announcement as we begin our journey through the holiday season: "There will likely be turbulence ahead".  Navigating the joys and stresses of the holidays can be challenging. In fact, a recent mental health study found that 68% of people experience high levels of stress and worry during this time of year. As therapists, this is our busiest time of year. Let's normalize that the holidays can be a vulnerable time of year. All of our emotions are magnified—our joys and our sorrows. Grief is common as we miss people who are not with us this year for any number of reasons. Financial pressures intensify this time of year as well. The pressure to overindulge in food, alcohol, as well as activities is substantial. And it's easy to compare our "insides" to everyone else's "outsides," thinking that we are the only ones not having the "perfect" holiday season—whatever that may be. Here are a few tips to  help you navigate the holidays with more peace and purpose and reduce the possible emotional turbulence you may  experience during the holidays:   Focus on the meaning of the season. Shift your attention to the spiritual and core values that resonate with you. Resist the commercialism that often leaves us feeling like we're not enough. Prioritize presence over presents. Find shared meaning with a supportive community. Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Volunteer your time to an organization needing extra help during the holidays. Send a gratitude message to someone. Presence actually means more in the long run than presents. Honor all your emotions. The holidays don't have to be the "happiest time of the year" if that's not what you're feeling. Let yourself experience your emotions—joy, sadness, nostalgia, stress, or even ambivalence—without judgment. All are ok and expected. Practice self-care. Make intentional decisions about rest, movement, spending, eating, and drinking. Setting healthy boundaries and listening to your own needs will protect your energy so that you have more of it to share. Making a plan right now about how we will navigate the holidays will help us stay centered (and prepare for possible turbulence)  this time of year, one that is filled with both joy and vulnerability.  

What follows is the Wellness Compass Weekly column that is emailed every Friday. The podcast deepens the subject matter from the column.  Learn more at www.WellnessCompass.org   As Thanksgiving approaches, it feels only natural to turn our attention to gratitude—a cornerstone of this season. Let's take a moment to reflect on three simple but powerful words: find, remind, and bind. Find: Seek out fresh reasons to be grateful for the people in your life—family, friends, colleagues, and even those fleeting encounters with strangers. There's always something new to discover when we open our hearts to appreciation. Remind: Once you uncover those moments of gratitude, don't let them go unspoken. As William Arthur Ward wisely said, "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." Remind others of how much they mean to you—not just for what they do, but for who they are. A kind word, a heartfelt note, or even a simple smile can make all the difference. Bind: Gratitude isn't just a feeling; it's a force that strengthens the bonds between us. In a world woven together by interdependence, every act of appreciation reinforces the connections that hold us together. So, as you navigate this season of thanks, keep these three words close to your heart: Find. Remind. Bind. They're a gentle reminder that gratitude, when shared, has the power to uplift us all.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column that is a companion to this podcast.  It is sent out every Friday by email.  You can subscribe at our website: www.WellnessCompass.org   Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles We recently watched a video by a fitness trainer who repeated the phrase "use it or lose it" several times. She was talking about how if we don't regularly use and stretch our muscles, they will gradually lose their strength and flexibility.  In this month of November, when we commonly focus on giving thanks, we thought that was a good metaphor and got us to thinking.  It's essential to exercise and stretch our gratitude muscles on a regular basis as well. If we don't regularly practice gratitude, we can easily become a bit weak and stiff in this area of wellbeing and fail to notice the wonderful things happening around us. Research has even shown that gratitude practices positively affect several of the areas included in our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing: Emotions, Relationships, Spirituality, Resilience, and Physical health. Gratitude practices can include simple things such as keeping a gratitude journal, making an intention to express gratitude to at least one person every day, sending a gratitude letter, email, or text to a friend, making a gratitude phone call, or creating a jar of gratitudes on slips of paper with the slips being pulled out and read from time to time. Sharing these expressions or gratitude can be a fun family or friend activity, as it brings awareness to all that we are grateful for and helps create a mindset of gratitude for the gathering.  We have found it especially powerful to express gratitude to others that is separate from something they may have done for us, but instead focusing more on who they are as a person. An example might be "I don't think I have told you recently, how grateful I am to have you as a friend/partner/sibling/child/parent…"  which has the power to make such a difference for the person hearing those words.   Strengthening our gratitude muscles means expressing thanks to others more often. Stretching our gratitude muscles means extending our expressions of gratitude to people we may not be in the habit of appreciating.   Holly, for example, recently facilitated a workshop for some school counselors and made it a point to begin with these words: "Before I get into the topic of this workshop, I just want to take a few moments to tell each of you how grateful I am for what you do every day. You give your heart and soul to your students, and you absorb an incredible amount of stress and suffering every day. Our world is a better place because of you and what you do." Several counselors teared up and deeply thanked her when the workshop was over, thanking her for simply remembering the important work they do every day.   If you have ever worked with a fitness trainer, you know that they often give you a specific goal to strive for, so we would like to do the same.  Try committing to expressing gratitude to at least one person daily for the remainder of November. Or maybe even two or three people each day. And stretch yourself to see how many new opportunities you can discover to express gratitude. Not only will the people you are offering appreciation to feel good, but your own wellbeing will be enhanced as well. 

What follows is the Wellness Compass weekly column that is emailed every Friday morning. The topic of the column and the podcast are always related.   Love Is Greater than Fear We love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature.  Several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a remote park accessible only by canoe. We remember well an experience we had one stormy day.  Having awoken early, we were deciding whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as the sky was dark. Holly thought we should stay where we were on shore rather than brave it. Scott thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake, a mile away, before the storm arrived, as we had to do it soon to meet our outfitter on schedule.  After a brief discussion and with no cell service to check the weather, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. We loaded the canoe with all our packs and took off across the very large lake.  A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. We were at least fifteen minutes from the closest shore when Scott noticed that the storm had come up behind us. The sky became increasingly dark in the next few minutes, the wind whipped around us, and the temperature dropped. Soon, there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with fear. So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation.  We began to argue right there in the middle of the lake!  The argument started when Holly raised her voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't have come out here today!" Soon the shouting went back and forth, with Scott asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder?"  "Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to frantically debate about which point of land to head towards. After a few minutes of futile arguing, we agreed to stop talking and focus instead on safely getting to the nearest shore. Fortunately, a while later, when we were safe on shore and calmed down, we realized we had not really been mad at each other. Instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other in our fear. The storm was the "problem," and yet, in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily perceived each other as the "problem." We have had the opportunity to lead many family and parent classes and retreats over the years, and we often share this story. Frequently, it is one of the things people say they remember most from our time together. They have often shared with us later that it was so helpful to realize that when they were in conflict and turning against each other that the real issue was usually not either person but the complex problem they were facing. When they realized this, they could choose to work together to face the situation as a team rather than continue to blame one another.  We close with the quote from Aldous Huxley in the photo above, which nicely summarizes what we have written.    "Love casts our fear:  but conversely fear casts out love.  And not only love.  Fear also casts out intelligence,  casts out goodness,  casts out all thought of beauty and truth."

What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we send out every Friday that focuses on the same topic as our weekly podcast episodes.  You can sign up for the column at www.WellnessCompass.org   Don't Ghost Your Feelings! We met with a group of school counselors recently, and the words on the T-shirts caught our attention: "Don't Ghost Your Feelings. Instead, Share Them with Others." October is National Depression Awareness Month, and with Halloween taking place in October, they had found a fun way to communicate an important message to their students. The word "ghosting" became popular a decade ago and even entered the Webster dictionary in 2017. It originated as a term in the online dating world to describe a person who suddenly ends all communication with someone with whom they had been talking. They no longer respond to texts, emails, or calls, having given no explanation for their becoming like "ghosts" and completely disappearing.  People willing to talk about why they ghosted someone have usually stated that they were too uncomfortable communicating openly and honestly with others, so they found it easier to ignore the topic or the person completely.  The term ghosting has been expanded to include completely ignoring or avoiding an uncomfortable topic. So, for example, we sometimes hear comments like, "Whenever I say I want to talk about our finances, you ghost me." This means the person who doesn't want to talk about finances isn't being argumentative —they are just disappearing, pretending like they didn't even hear the other person.  Returning to the school counselors' T-shirts, ghosting one's feelings means acting like they don't exist. Instead of ghosting, the school counselors regularly teach how to become comfortable with the full range of emotions so that students can become more skilled at both feeling and expressing what they are feeling. They are encouraging them to do so even when doing so makes them feel quite vulnerable. The wise wisdom offered by the school counselors is good advice for all of us. Halloween may be over, but the wisdom of not ghosting our feelings remains relevant all year.  Trick or treat? Ghosting our emotions can be a trick we play on ourselves and others. Becoming more comfortable expressing our feelings, on the other hand, is a treat we can give ourselves and our relationships. 

What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we write, which a companion to this podcast.  The podcast and the column always address the same topic, but each contains unique content.     The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It Last week, we had the honor of presenting our Wellness Compass resources at the annual Wisconsin Mental Health and Recovery Conference. A thousand providers from around the Midwest were in attendance, and it was truly an inspiring experience to meet so many people on the front lines every day helping to relieve suffering and, in so doing, making the world a better place. One of the keynote speakers for the conference was Tom Farley.  Tom is the older brother of Chris Farley, the famous comedian who died tragically of a drug overdose in 1997 at the age of 33. Tom shared with us that, like his brother Chris, he has also struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Now in recovery, for many years, Tom is now a motivational speaker who tells his story at conferences and high schools around the country of getting in touch with his emotions as part of his recovery. Tom, following the tradition of his family, is quite funny. He said he learned how to be witty from his earliest days of growing up in his family. He explained that their family had one tool in its emotional toolbox and that was the tool of humor. No matter the issue of the day for their family, be it a disappointment in someone's sporting endeavor,  an argument with a friend, or a struggle in academics, they always found a way to joke about it. He went on to say that as he started his journey in recovery, he had to learn something he did not know from his childhood, and that was how to identify and express all of his emotions. His ongoing growth has been to integrate his humor with his capacity to be serious and real. Unlike his childhood, when humor was used to mask and hide more complicated emotions, he is now comfortable with the full range of emotions, from the very serious to the very funny. His talk resonated with what we also teach regarding our emotional and relational wellbeing. The capacity to feel and express the full range of emotions is foundational for emotional and relational health. Humor, when used creatively and with loving intention, helps us all. But when used to mask our feelings, or when our intent is to be hurtful or cutting of ourselves or another, humor can create a divide between us and others we care about, and diminish everyone's wellbeing. We invite you to reflect on how you use humor in your life and your relationships. Perhaps you might become aware that you would like more of the positive experience of humor. Maybe you might become aware of how you sometimes use humor that is not so helpful in your relationships.   As always, we love hearing from you. You can email us at  [email protected], or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.     You can subscribe to the free weekly email column at www.wellnesscompass.org 

What follows is the weekly column that Wellness Compass sends out each week.  The column is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can subsribe to our column at our WellnessCompass.org website.     Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions? This week, we have a simple yet very effective tip regarding communication in our relationships.  When a person is talking to you about something that is upsetting them, discern within yourself whether they are seeking comfort or solutions. Typically, the more emotionally upset they are, the more they are seeking and needing comfort. If you are not sure, the best thing to do is ask. While this sounds simple, it is often difficult to remember to put into practice. When we offer advice or try to fix a problem that another person is having, and that is not what they are seeking, such advice will almost always result in further hurt and anger, as they are probably emotionally flooded. The "helper" often tries to recover by saying, "I was just trying to help," and may now feel hurt and angry as well. If their intention to help had been guided by the question, "Are they seeking comfort or solutions?" they likely would have fared better. In general, we will never regret offering comforting responses, such as, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I  see why you are so upset," "I've got your back," or "I am here for you any time you need to talk." If we start with offering comfort, and then the person wants advice at some point, they will more likely feel safe asking for it.  If, on the other hand,  we begin by providing solutions, we may not ever get the chance to truly offer comfort as the person may now be even more upset. The  "fix-it" response may seem wise as we may think we know exactly what the person needs to do-- and after all, isn't that the best thing we can offer?  No, it's not—not if the person isn't wanting advice. We can also apply this wisdom of asking for comfort rather than solutions to guide our talking with others when we are upset.  Rather than merely hoping and assuming that the other person knows what we need, it's good practice actually to let them know. "I have something I need to talk about right now, and just to be clear, I am not looking for advice or solutions. I simply need someone to listen to my feelings and frustration right now," might be a good way to start. Making it Personal: As you go through your weeks, watch for opportunities to practice deciding if you or another needs comfort or solutions in times of stress, and let us know how it goes.