PODCAST · comedy
There Will Be Crossbows
by James Nelson and John Robison
There Will Be Crossbows is a long-distance improvised comedy podcast, featuring frequent collaborators and veteran improvisers John Robison and James Nelson. We make up songs and other bits, record them, send them to the other one to finish, then meet online to record some scenes. And yes... there will be crossbows.
Episodes
-
Franchise
Two brothers come into a large fortune and promptly open up their own McDonald's franchise, but will their lack of business acumen sink the venture before it even gets afloat?
-
Suburbs
The Suburbs: the most dreaded frontier of the modern age. In this ruthless, action-packed episode, terrorists begin their hostile takeover of the a neighborhood, only to get sidetracked with second jobs and malfunctioning security robots. Also at some point the episode just becomes about pizza....
-
Monarchy
Royal family drama ensues in this shocking new episode of Crossbows! Follow the adventures of Rutherford, Bea, and Hayes as they navigate a shifting monarchy after the death of the king.
-
Choir
Two poor saps kicked out of their choir on the same day face entirely different destinies after they try to salvage their careers at the local jazz club open mic night.
-
Contradictions
A young boy questions his faith in a provocative episode that quickly spirals out of control and becomes about Tilda Swinton.
-
Bugs
When a child is forced to wear an unusual Halloween costume by their parent, all hell breaks loose in a town infested by entomologists.
-
Ranch
From picking out salad dressing to eating human faces, this episode runs the gamut. We're sorry in advance for all the people we insulted in Hungaria, which is definitely a real country.
-
Alaska
Survive the frozen wasteland that is Alaska. Bears, guns, global warming, and craft beer all pose dangerous threats in this special episode dedicated to the 49th state!
-
Swarm, Autobiography, Illness
It's a Crossbows Mini-Sode! A kiddo gets his dream gift in the form of many horrific insects, Ozzy's autobiography gets cleaned up by his ghostwriter, and a very mysterious pandemic afflicts a very dumb person. All this and more!
-
Big Game Hunters
In this epic mini-sode, big game hunters and presidential assassins argue ethics, and we learn why having all your neighbors on speed dial can be a disaster.
-
There Will Be Crossbows LIVE from the Living Room
Wow, our first live show in 8 years! We booked the fanciest venue available to us, James's living room, and performed in front of an enraptured audience consisting of three of our family members! It doesn't get grander than that, folks. To top it off, we bring back the legendary "TrivProv" format...
-
Global Warming & The Olympics
It's a mini-sode! A couple of braniacs solve global warming, but have trouble stopping it. In a bonus scene, the Olympics comes to Tennessee!
-
The Hayden Christensen School of Acting
It's a Crossbow mini-sode! Acclaimed actor Hayden Christensen tries to recruit more students for his acting workshop.
-
The Curator & The Egg
It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! A con artist gets his comeuppance and a black market dodo bird egg is the subject on intense negotiation.
-
Granite & Reward
It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! Enjoy a quickly escalating altercation with a paperboy and a wish-granting hamster!
-
Neighbors
It's a Crossbows Mini-Sode! Enjoy our three-part "Neighbors" arc.
-
Granulation
What is improv, if not breaking apart something into little pieces of material? Please, don't reflect on that sentence, it makes less sense the longer you thing about it. The theme is "granulation", and we go from a hostile intern takeover of the sugar factory to a behind-the-scenes look at...
-
Order
Order! Order in the podcast! Has one word every implied so much coordination, organization, and control as "order"? No, at least not until we debut our brand new word, "Controorganization" next week. For now, you'll have to make due with this episode filled with virtual reality gone wrong,...
-
Gravity
In a very serious, down to earth episode, the very laws of physics are challenged. An astronaut gets sent to certain death, wacky Isaac Newton comes up with a crazy discovery, and the president finally has to deal with climate change. Enjoy the episode before everything comes crashing down!
-
Soup
Nothing like "Soup" at the beginning of summer! On this episode, an orphanage looks for ways to cut costs, a food truck owner questions his business decisions, and a culinary reality show goes off the rails. Enjoy this one while it's hot!
-
Ears
Listen up, cause it's time we finally talked about the unsightly fleshly appendages which allow us the gift of hearing at the expense of being unsightly fleshly appendages. A little kiddo keeps getting his ear-doctors fired, the Italian Vincent Van Gogh shows his eccentricities, and an a cappella...
-
Jiggle
It's Jiggle Time! In what is probably the least stable episode yet, James and John riff on the many uses of the word "jiggle" in a free-form improv set. A young man is put to the test of adulthood by his cruel father, the dance callback for CATS goes awry, and some dumb criminals attempt a simple...
-
Shrimp
Mmm, shrimp! As any good improvisor knows, food makes the BEST suggestion for a longform show, and this is no exception. A restaurant customer's deep hunger can't be satiated, a weakling hits the empathy gym, and the Shrimp Shrack tries to expand its menu. Pop a few of this episode into your…
more -
Coconut
Clop, clop, clop -- it's time for a whole improv show based on the most beloved of tropical fruits, the noble coconut! Tropical Tony hires a Coconut Boy to help him advertise, two poor saps find themselves stranded on a tropical island, and a pair felons escape to the Maldives only to be pursued…
more -
Marbles
Thish eeshpidos off Thrawiba Croshbrwo - oh, sorry, let me take these marbles out of my mouth so you can understand. It's a brand new longform-style improv show from the Crossbow dudes, and the theme is "Marbles"! Michelangelo coasts through a commission in Renaissance Italy, a couple of kids…
more -
Loud
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE MADE A NEW EPISODE IT'S CALLED LOUD AND IT'S A LONGFORM IMPROV FORMAT THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE AND - oh, sorry, you're just right there. Inside voice. Got it. Two engineers try to solve a very unmysterious mystery, a feud develops between local bell-tower operators, and a baby...
-
Expansion
This week we try out a classic longform improv format to shake up the show a bit! The dark truth behind Settlers of Catan is revealed, a colonization mission to Mars is rife with family drama, and a man has a very interesting approach to designing his home. Expand your own horizons with this…
more -
Patio
The weather is getting warmer, so we all got PATIOS on the mind, right? Well, instead of spending time outside, why don't you enjoy a patio-themed improv show instead? A guy mansplains his way through a wine tasting, some friends attempt the Biergarten Challenge, and Berb's Discount Patio…
more -
Note
Has one word ever yielded so many possibilities? Yeah, probably. But this week's theme is "note", so that's what you get. An over-expressive actor gets kicked out of the high school musical and gets creative revenge, a student gives her friend a very considerate rejection to a love letter, John...
-
Bratwurst
If you want the wurst German accents you've ever heard, then this week's podcast is for you! James and John have differing opinions on sausages, little Hans gets breakfast brats from his Mutter, and Grandpa dies from (you guessed it) eating too much bratwurst. It's a very subtle episode.
-
Brass
Shiny as a trumpet and loud as a trombone, it's an episode almost as precious as its metal namesake, "Brass"! Two band buddies have to make a tragic decision during auditions for first chair, the king of Switzerland is sent gifts from foreign am-brass-adors, and a car mechanic gets a mysterious…
more -
Bulb
Like a sudden light of inspiration above your head, this episode will shine through the darkness to bring you a flash of luminescent comedy. And if you're wondering, yes, I do hate myself for writing that sentence. John explains why Predators keep him from gardening, a hardware store customer…
more -
Vision
We're trying to capitalize on other popular media involving Vision, so here's a whole episode about it! John discusses his various laser surgeries, a state fair attendee has to decide between a corndog and his wife, and a degenerate watches such obscene internet videos that his eyes rot out. All...
-
Mutation
Oh, God! This was supposed to be a gardening podcast, but it got exposed to radioactive waste and now it's turned into IMPROV COMEDY! AAAAGH! Listen in horror as James and John weigh in on useless superpowers, St. Peter takes it easy at the pearly gates, and a poor two-headed child is tormented…
more -
Juice
The theme is "Juice", so whether you're a sugar junkie, a regular junkie who just loves improv, or a literal lump of sugar who has come to life and wants to experience human entertainment, this one is for you! James and John hash out their vastly different juice preferences, a parent accidentally...
-
Creativity
Allow us to indulgently express our true selves with this compilation of deleted scenes, each revealing a different part of our tormented souls. Like the scene where elephants have sex with bad stand-up comedians while they're performing, or the scene where two guys try to sell bulk kittens on…
more -
Map
No need to double-check your GPS, you're right where you're supposed to be. In our "Map" episode, we travel to destinations both physical and metaphorical in an exploration of what it means to be a human, specifically a human listening to an improv comedy podcast. John gets lost by trusting the...
-
Sentient Ovens
In one of the strangest themes in the history of the show, we've done a whole episode on "sentient ovens", and if you're the type of person who stays up late at night whispering sweet nothings to your kitchen appliances only to feel emptiness inside when they don't respond, then this one is for...
-
Office Chairs
Hold on to your seats, 'cause it's an entire episode on "Office Chairs"! Look, we know, office chairs are possibly the single most overused source of comedic material, but for good reason: they're hilarious! A chair? In an office? Bwahahaha!!! Anyway, we think we have a really unique spin on this...
-
Milquetoast
In the most boring episode of anything ever recorded, it's "Milquetoast". This episode is so bland and uninspired that you're bound to fall asleep within the first three minutes. You'll sleep through James and John talking about bread (yawn), an unusual take on a classic "Our Town" scene (god…
more -
Barnyard
We're kicking off the new year with a new episode, and this week's theme is "Barnyard"! Put on your overalls and round up the hogs, 'cause we got a long day ahead of us. James details his failed barnyard-themed wedding proposals, Old MacDonald and Young MacDonald are confronted with generational...
-
Best of 2020: Commercials
It's the final year-end bonus episode! This one is a retrospective of our favorite commercials from 2020. Our sponsors are the best in the biz: completely fictional and contributing no profit whatsoever to the podcast. Here are all the best ones of the year!
-
Best of 2020: Scenes
Let the festivities continue: it's our top ten favorite improv scenes of the year! We've recorded over 200 scenes this year, so if you only want the cream of the crop, consider it done! Make sure to hop over the the Crossbow Club on Facebook after listening so you can vote for Scene of the Year!
-
Best of 2020: Crossbow University
Today's installment of our year-end retrospective series is our favorite interviews from Crossbow University! We bring in loads of special guests, all of whom are clearly us doing voices, to answer pre-recorded questions under the guise of being lessons for a highly questionable educational...
-
Best of 2020: Songs
Our sendoff to a hellish year continues with the best songs of 2020! Every week we feature a ridiculous new tune, sent partially completed by one of us to the other without any guidance on how to finish it. Hear our favorites all together for the first time in the closest thing to a Crossbows...
-
Best of 2020: Amazon Reviews
It's the first episode in our special end-of-year series! Count down to the new year with There Will Be Crossbows as we roll out a new episode each day this week. Today, it's our favorite Amazon Reviews of 2020! Have a listen and then make sure to drop by the Crossbow Club on Facebook so you can...
-
Misconception
In this episode, we're wrong about pretty much EVERYTHING, so get your palm ready for face-palming. A quick discussion about the weather quickly degrades into aimless complaining about corporate greed, a little kid begrudgingly reveals why he still believes in Santa, and the contestants of a…
more -
Frogs
Ribbit! The slimy green ones get their day in the sun (frog doctor's note: direct sunlight is not recommended for frog health) in this week's "Frogs" episode. James is visited by three magical frogs in the middle of the night, John turns several bad drivers into amphibians, and a couple of drunk...
-
Crack
Like the sharp sound of your favorite baseball player hitting a home run, this episode brings you back to your childhood, a claim that we're basing on the assumption that you grew up listening to a lot of improv comedy podcasts. John makes a deal with the underworld to preserve his "youth", Emily...
-
Relationships
A special theme episode to warm you up for the holidays! This one is all about relationships, and it features a gaggle of scenes that were cut from previous episodes, a slightly smaller gaggle (a giggle?) of new content to flesh out the theme, and the triumphant return of "Questions and Answers",...
We're indexing this podcast's transcripts for the first time — this can take a minute or two. We'll show results as soon as they're ready.
No matches for "" in this podcast's transcripts.
No topics indexed yet for this podcast.
Loading reviews...
ABOUT THIS SHOW
There Will Be Crossbows is a long-distance improvised comedy podcast, featuring frequent collaborators and veteran improvisers John Robison and James Nelson. We make up songs and other bits, record them, send them to the other one to finish, then meet online to record some scenes. And yes... there will be crossbows.
HOSTED BY
James Nelson and John Robison
Loading similar podcasts...
Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does There Will Be Crossbows have?
There Will Be Crossbows currently has 85 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is There Will Be Crossbows about?
There Will Be Crossbows is a long-distance improvised comedy podcast, featuring frequent collaborators and veteran improvisers John Robison and James Nelson. We make up songs and other bits, record them, send them to the other one to finish, then meet online to record some scenes. And yes... there...
How often does There Will Be Crossbows release new episodes?
There Will Be Crossbows has 85 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to There Will Be Crossbows?
You can listen to There Will Be Crossbows on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts There Will Be Crossbows?
There Will Be Crossbows is created and hosted by James Nelson and John Robison.
URL copied to clipboard!