PODCAST · tv
TortureVision Television
by Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.
TortureVision was founded by Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize. Our mission is to offer movie and television reviews to those who find enjoyment in watching horrendously flawed entertainment. Our podcast covers a wide variety of content, from our thoughts on unfunny sitcoms to abysmal box office bombs. We invite you to partake in our madness, absolutely free of charge! You can stream our reviews from the TortureVision blog now, or download our MP3 files and save them for future consumption. We hope our contribution fits well within the already oversaturated Internet podcasting market.
Episodes
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The Devil's Rain (1975)
A group of Satan worshippers (lead by Ernest Borgnine) are searching for an ancient book. Within this tome lies the secrets behind hatching a giant egg. The egg contains a mixture of human souls and unholy precipitation. Only William Shatner and Tom Skerritt can protect the world from choking on…
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The Pit (1981)
A creepy child and his demonic teddy bear friend stumble upon a pit full of monsters out in the woods. It's your average coming of age tale involving sexual harassment and human sacrifice. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!
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Frogs (1972)
5 score and 7 years after the abolishment of slavery, a small marsh land in Florida is infested with psychic frogs. Will the inhabitants of the planet learn to reuse, reduce, and recycle to stay alive?! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!
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Magic (1978)
Anthony Hopkins is 50% magician, 50% ventriloquist, and 100% crazy in this unsung 1970's gem called Magic. If you weren't already creeped out by ventriloquist dummies, you will be after listening to this episode! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!
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Bone 1972
Bill and Bernadette are an unhappily married couple, living a complete lie in almost every respect. They reside in a fabulous mansion, and drive a flashy car, but they're flat broke (and living on credit). Their miserable lives take an even bigger turn for the worse when a criminal named Bone...
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Edith's 50th Birthday S08E04&05
The term "very special episode" translates to "absolute trainwreck" in this extremely hard to watch episode of All in the Family, where Edith Bunker gets sexually assaulted (while the live studio audience laughs uncontrollably)! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!
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An Unexpected Love (2003)
When Kate's marriage to her husband Jack falls apart, her sexual interests sway toward the female persuasion. Attracted to a woman named McNally, Kate fires up a lesbian relationship that sends shockwaves throughout her personal life. Also, actor Brent Spiner makes an appearance as a man who has...
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She Woke Up Pregnant (1996)
One fateful day, happy housewife Connie Loftis went to the dentist's office to get an oral check-up. Unfortunately, her pervy dentist was more interested in exploring a different orifice. A few months later, Connie discovered that she was impregnated while passed out on anesthetic! This is the...
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Heil Honey I'm Home! S01E01
On September 30th, 1990, writer/producer Geoff Atkinson gave the world a sitcom nobody wanted. It depicted Adolf Hitler in a similar fashion to shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy.” Titled Heil Honey I'm Home!, this ill-conceived “spoof” of 1950's sitcoms was cancelled after its very...
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Follow that Bird (1985)
When a closed-minded segregationist group, The Feathered Friends, learns that Big Bird is living amongst mixed races (and species) on Sesames Street, they scramble to find him a “proper” birds-only home. Once relocated, Big Bird gets homesick and attempts to find his way back to Sesame Street....
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Volume 2 of Minis (Episodes 8-14)
TortureVision Presents Volume #2 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 8-14, for your consumption [Remo Williams (1985), The Baby (1973), American Gothic (1988), The Incredible 2 Headed Transplant (1971), Black Moon Rising (1986), Starcrash (1978), and The Twilight Zone S03E08]. Right-Click "Save…
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Teen Wolf (1985)
High school student Scott Howard (played by 23 year old Michael J. Fox) finds himself going through some very unique life changes. At first he believes his troubles to be (late) puberty, but they're soon revealed to be hereditary lycanthropy! He tries to hide his condition, for all of two…
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Boxing Helena (1993)
Actor Julian Sands plays Dr. Nick Cavanaugh, a man who's sickly obsessed with a beautiful, but bitchy, woman named Helena, played by actress Sherilyn Fenn. Helena wants absolutely nothing to do with Nick, but fate sticks them together under the most bizarre circumstances. TortureVision Rating…
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Cliffhanger (1993)
Sylvester Stallone plays Gabe Walker, a park ranger that's part man and part mountain goat. Gabe works in the field of technical rescue, tasked with ensuring the safety of all mountain climbers and outdoor sportsmen within his jurisdiction. One day, while responding to a phony rescue call, Gabe...
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Man of Steel (2013)
Regretfully, we don't have time to write a summary for this week's episode. An earth-wide state of emergency has been declared, as water, power and many other civil services have been disrupted across the globe. The utter devastation caused by Kryptonian hands is still being assessed, as millions...
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The Next Karate Kid (1994)
It took several decades, but little Ralph Macchio finally grew up! Too physically mature to continue playing a child in The Karate Kid films, the franchise had to revamp itself with Hilary Swank (as character Julie Pierce) in the titular role. After the death of her parents, Julie moves into her...
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7th Heaven S08E09
Today we take a look at "7th Heaven," in light of Stephen Collins' recent child molestation allegations. TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to...
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The Day My Kid Went Punk (1987)
ABC Afterschool Specials S16E03 (The Day My Kid Went Punk) Terry plays violin in his high school band, but it's the 1980's and classical music hasn't been cool for roughly 200 years. Terribly unpopular and desperate for some tail, Terry decides to trade in his ancient instrument for an electric...
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Volume 1 of Minis (Episodes 1-7)
TortureVision Presents Volume #1 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 1-7, for your consumption (Linda and Abilene, Not of this Earth, Humanoids from the Deep, Urge to kill, Automan, The Gary Coleman Show S01E01, and Dinosaurs S04E07). Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!
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Jurassic Park 2 (1997)
A few characters you grew to love in Jurassic Park have returned for an unnecessary sequel, determined to ruin your opinions of them and shit upon your fond memories of the original film. In this dino-sized episode we take a look back at The Lost World, as well as discuss the JP franchise as a...
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Supergirl (1984)
In matters of equality, public opinion in the 1980's was open-minded enough to give us a female superhero movie, but unfortunately our heroine was forced to act like an empty-headed bimbo. Actress Helen Slater plays Supergirl, the cousin of Superman, who comes to earth and battles a witch for the...
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Batman Returns (1992)
Joel Schumacher certainly deserved all the harsh criticism he received after his gross mishandling of the Batman franchise. Both of his Batman movies were overly colorful, campy, kid-friendly piles of crap. It should be noted, however, that Schumacher didn't exactly inherit a flawless property....
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NightMan (S01E01&02)
Violently struck by lightning, saxophone sensation Johnny Domino acquires the psychic ability to “tune into the frequency of evil.” This means he can receive audio and visual transmissions of criminal activities. If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until you heard the story behind his...
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The Amazing Spider-Man S02E01 (1978)
When comic books are adapted into live-action adventures, the audience often prefers a certain amount of realism be inserted into the situation- even if it doesn't necessary exist in the source material itself. Too much realism can kill off all the fun, however, just like it did in the 1970's...
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Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)
“Nathaniel Demerest”, the evil djinn, is once again released from gemstone quarantine- and this time his plans for world domination are completely different! Nathaniel worms his way inside a maximum security prison where he proceeds to trade wishes to hapless inmates in exchange for their souls....
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Wishmaster (1997)
“Nathaniel Demerest” is a djinn, or evil genie, who deviously uses semantics to turn peoples deepest wishes into deadly nightmares. When Alexandra, an auctioneer-slash-gym coach, unwittingly releases Nathaniel from his gemstone prison, she finds herself the target of his grievous generosity.…
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Thinner (1996)
A TortureVision Holiday Special: William Halleck is an obese lawyer who accidentally runs over a gypsy woman with his car. Calling upon friends in high places, William manages to walk away from the incident Scot-free, angering the gypsy clan. Seeking revenge, the gypsy leader curses William and…
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The Hitcher (1986)
Hollywood has introduced us to some really stupid characters throughout the years, but Jim Halsey might just be the worst of the bunch. While traveling out of state one day, Jim picks up a murderous hitchhiker- and Jim's piss-poor decision making skills enable these two adversaries to stick...
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Wolf (1994)
Jack Nicholson plays Will Randall, the chief editor of a prestigious publishing company. His job is very strenuous, being an environment full of high-stakes drama and politics. Oh, and Will's also a werewolf... but that aspect of his life is more-or-less treated like an unimportant side-story....
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Scream and Scream Again (1970)
A TortureVision Holiday Special: Peter Cushing was born on May 26, 1913, Vincent Price was born on May 27th, 1911, and Christopher Lee was born on May 27th, 1922. In celebration of these classic horror movie legends, we watched one of only two features in which they all appeared together, Scream...
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Dawn of the Dead (1978)
As the world succumbs to a zombie outbreak, four survivalists take refuge inside an abandoned shopping mall. They live in relative luxury, dining on wine and Spam like kings, until a roaming gang of bikers invade their peaceful kingdom. This movie is guaranteed to get your blood pressure rising…
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A Woman Scorned (1992)
A TortureVision Holiday Special: Betty's an irrational woman who treats her husband badly, so he ultimately files for divorce. Feeling spurned by the split, Betty makes it her full-time job to stalk and harass her ex-husband (as well as his new love interest). Unfortunately, this game of...
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Fatal Footage, Episode 1
Here at TortureVision, the manner in which we rate media is fairly simple. We reserve the “Good” rating for features that were better than expected. We deem “Bad” features as awful, yet still enjoyable productions. Lastly, we disregard painfully miserable features as “Abortions.” When devising…
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ALF S04E24
The TV show ALF was a cheerful little sitcom about a short, furry alien who secretly lived with the Tanner family. The troublesome, yet humorous, circumstances that arose every episode were usually resolved in full by the time the end credits rolled. In the final episode, however, the series took...
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Soylent Green (1973)
Official Movie Poster Spoiler Alert: Soylent Green is made of people! Soylent Industries is grinding up the corpses of our neighbors and loved ones and feeding them to us in green, food-cube form! Having said all that, the whole ordeal still seems more ethical and respectable than the shenanigans...
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Family Ties S01E06
Uncle Arthur is a sad little man who's mentally confused. He's simultaneously suffering through divorce and midlife crisis... or at least that's his pathetic excuse for why he made unwanted sexual advances toward his young niece, Mallory Keaton. Okay, so “Uncle Arthur” isn't actually related by...
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Baywatch Nights S02E02
The beaches of Los Angeles might look appealing in the sunlight, but after sunset they contain more rapists than sand-grains! These sexual deviants are so horny, they'll attack any female within sight... even if she's part fish! Thankfully, famed lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a…
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Left Behind (2000)
In a world where no one has any concept of “the rapture”, those left behind in its wake are completely dumbfounded when much of the world's population simply disappears. Kirk Cameron plays the part of Buck Williams, a perfectly nice and friendly guy who fails to get raptured. Buck quickly...
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Slugs (1988)
When a rural town is overtaken by tiny mutant slugs, both the Sheriff and the Mayor refuse to acknowledge their existence... despite the influx of numerous strange and unexplained deaths. Only Mike Brady, a local health inspector, and Don Palmer, a local sanitation worker, are willing to face the...
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Leprechaun (1993)
A TortureVision Holiday Special: We decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by watching Jennifer Aniston's career-defining achievement, the 1993 horror movie masterpiece, Leprechaun. Joining us on this momentous podcast is a very special guest, the world-famous Indian mime, "Adi"! (Please excuse…
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Manimal S01E01
Professor Jonathan Chase has the amazing (and completely mysterious) ability to transform into any kind of animal he wants... though for the most part he usually just chooses to be a panther. He uses this unique power to fight crime, and violate the privacy of unsuspecting women. We watched this...
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Reign of Fire (2002)
The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the wrong movie. The humans were the ones digging in this film, and they released a plague of fire-breathing dragons upon the world. Now, the whole of...
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Mr. Belvedere S03E10
Went down to China, got addicted to speed. Who cares? When the pills became a habit, I nearly OD'ed. No one glared. 'Cause sometimes cravings get out of control and no ones spared. All the drugs went down below- through my guts and into my soul... gonna need the best rehab that we can get....
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The Warriors (1979)
New York City is crawling with various street gangs, all hostile to one another, but Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the Gramercy Riffs, wants to set aside all differences and create one gigantic mega-gang. Once united, Cyrus hopes to wage war against the local authorities and claim the city as...
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Between the Darkness and the Dawn (1985)
At the age of 17, Abigail Foster slips into an unexpected coma. 20 years later, she awakens to a “futuristic” world where nothing is the same. It's 1984. NASA has launched the last of America's deep space probes, her sister has married her boyfriend, and malt-shops have turned into 8-bit arcades....
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Maude S01E09&10
Maude Findlay's a strong, mature, 47-year-old woman- an independent thinker with both razor-sharp wit and liberal sensibilities. One might even say her only flaw is her rigid revulsion to condoms. One night, after some wild, unprotected sexcapades with her husband Walter Findlay, Maude discovers...
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Waterworld (1995)
The polar ice caps have melted, causing a great flood that has swallowed the earth. The few unlucky survivors of this cataclysm live upon the enormous spherical sea like rats upon rafts, trying desperately to remain afloat. Our hero, the nameless mutant fish-man known only as “Mariner”, must find...
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House on Haunted Hill (1999)
Made 40 years after the original, this film certainly looks better, but the basic storyline remains dull and uninspired. You can splash perfume on a pile of shit, but it's much more logical to flush it down the toilet. Perhaps in another 40 years we'll try again. Coming soon to theaters: House on...
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Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (2012)
A TortureVision Holiday Special: Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12th, 1809, and in honor of his birthday we watched the atrocious distortion of his real life story, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Becoming super-human by means left wholly unexplained, Honest Abe battles against an army of...
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Hello Larry S01E04
McLean Stevenson is a 52-year old actor playing Larry Alder, a 44-year old radio psychologist. Recently divorced, and retaining full custody of his two teenage daughters, Larry has moved from Los Angeles to Portland, turning the trios life completely upside down. One night, Larry's oldest…
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
TortureVision was founded by Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize. Our mission is to offer movie and television reviews to those who find enjoyment in watching horrendously flawed entertainment. Our podcast covers a wide variety of content, from our thoughts on unfunny sitcoms to abysmal box office bombs. We invite you to partake in our madness, absolutely free of charge! You can stream our reviews from the TortureVision blog now, or download our MP3 files and save them for future consumption. We hope our contribution fits well within the already oversaturated Internet podcasting market.
HOSTED BY
Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does TortureVision Television have?
TortureVision Television currently has 57 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is TortureVision Television about?
TortureVision was founded by Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize. Our mission is to offer movie and television reviews to those who find enjoyment in watching horrendously flawed entertainment. Our podcast covers a wide variety of content, from our thoughts on unfunny sitcoms to abysmal box office...
How often does TortureVision Television release new episodes?
TortureVision Television has 57 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to TortureVision Television?
You can listen to TortureVision Television on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts TortureVision Television?
TortureVision Television is created and hosted by Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize..
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