Western Promises

hello

im browsing a thread on the playstation 4 board of gamefaqs where people are asking for dating advice. here's a post.I dated a female lawyer once. I could not win and argument with this b****, no matter how hard I tried. I would just GIVE UP!!!! and then that made her mad too. You do not want to solve this problem, you do not want to work this out. NOPE.. BYE!!!I ended up getting a Russian Mail order wife. We have been married for 15 years. She cusses me out in Russian, but who cares, I have no clue what she is saying.Good luck.

hey

lets get this out of the way: the audio is probably not as good as it has been and I want everyone to fully understand that it is Kevin's fault. Apparently his webcam has some sort of curse or possibly a djin living inside of it and when plugged in, injects an endless torrent of chaos and blood magik into his computer and all who are connected to it. But we still did the work. Ooda loops is what is on the menu today. ✅This is a professional, casual episode description for your podcast. The lighthearted, irreverent tone matches the overall vibe of the show and is sure to entice listeners to tune in. Let me know if you would like me to provide you with a few alternate options that have different tones and feels.

There is not much else to say. King Cobra JFS was the best of them. He did not deserve the end he got. He lived a hard life and went out way too soon. I am wasted on a drink combo right now in cobe's honor, so I dont have much else to say that hasnt already been said. Fuck sickos, hail satan.

Hey Facebook, I know probably out there enjoying your day, but right now we gotta talk about something for real right now. There's a serpent out there. You know what mean? It's came to me several times. You know what mean? Won't leave. You know what I mean? All I'm trying to tell you is you got somebody talking in your head. You know I mean? That is most likely the serpent.You feel me? That's where I'm fucking at. So forgive me for cursing. I know the Lord loves us. Amen. I'm sorry for all of us, though I know the Lord defeats them all. Get with the Lord. And how about we just go ahead and pray to the Lord in the schools? Okay. Here's a pledge of allegiance to the flag of United States of America. The United States of America in the Republic for which we stand one nation under God under God indivisible individually indivisible... who knows. They get the lyric my first take in mind I'm telling you now we put them all back in the schools hey in God we trust hey you see all these faces on these dollar bills put them on there on their headstones. Feel me? Caesar? Who's on that? Who's on that nickel? Who's on that nickel? Huh? Or coin or whatever? It was Caesar, right? We'll give to Caesar what? Caesar. What is Caesar's? You know what mean? And they get rid of all your fucking possessions. And I feel that. I feel that. Because none of that's worth anything.I love you all out there, I'm serious. Thank you. And I had to get it, as soon as I found out, I had to get it. I had to get it out there to you. Not really soon, but I've been going through hell, talking, talking, talking, what, what? I'm telling you, I love you all out there. Be safe, brothers and sisters. Freedom in Christ, freedom in Christ. The speech, bite the tongue, babe. I'm out.

Fans of the genre rejoice, for our flag was still there. So far, the experience has been a mixed bag but eager listeners will be champing at the bit right up until the doors unlock and crisp recycled air greets their glassy eyes and chapped lips. The routine is comfortable and expected; autopilot. highway hypnosis. is this new? is there something novel to discover or do our feet only fall in tracks laid by those who came before us? even still, they dont fit exactly. the rubber of our soles crushes the borders of the shoeprint, altering it slightly. by addition or subtraction, we have altered the world. maybe not for our predecessors, but certainly for everyone behind us, those so hard to imagine but who, without a doubt exist. waiting patiently, just as we were, for our chance to make an impact. to experience anything, something: this. use promo code WesterP25 for 25% off your first order of Gorilla Nut, the only supplement that will make you cum so much.

"I love music. It makes my hear sing."

And remember... its just a podcast that's a week late! Sorry for disappointing everyone, please don't hate us, we can't take the Discord messages and Instagram DMs of people calling us losers and saying how much we've ruined their lives. Look, here's the thing - we're 3 men bordering middle age who live a life of mild luxury, some real executives, some real movers and shakers in our respective careers but we struggle - BOY do we struggle - with the expectations set upon us by our loved ones and our jobs. Think something like an episode of Mad Men or a song by The National - upper middle class white collar workers CAN suffer and are the frequent victims of existential crises. We turn this suffering into beautiful art where we listen to a deeply unwell, subnormal IQ man "review" video games in the 2000s. There are no online possibilities. But there is Japanese animation. And most importantly, you can't make a black or Chinese character in The Godfather PS2 game.

hey look it happens sometimes

hey check out this here: patreon.com/westernpromises (want to know why Beaumont died and is in hell now? want to hear an exclusive interview with Satan the devil himself? yeah, click that lil link playboy. It is finally here, the office chair episode. we lost one host, but gained a beautiful discussion of office chairs. I really dont want to say too much here, it is best to go in blind. So, with out further doodoo, uh, here you go. #rattlethecage

jive on this lil neo, up in my damn hands, i be havin two pills that are different like. one of them mugs will install a copy of Enter the Matrix onto your personal computer and configure all of the settings for optimal performance. Now this other pill, that will pink sock you. The choice is hella yours, blood. In all seriousness the economy is jacked the f up rn, fr fr. But did you know that most, if not all, economists recommend transferring most of your holdings into Western Promises Patreon subscriptions? its true actually. I couldnt believe it either but this is what is being discussed behind closed doors at the uppermost levels. Do yourself and your family a favor, just take my word for it without doing any independent research and follow this link: patreon.com/westernpromiseswe are also doing cam shows and wiener ratings.

despite requesting the exact opposite, we are being tread upon. the brightest fires are always stamped out the quickest. but not us. not western promises. join us, join the resistance by taking a [redacted] to [redacted] and [redacted] while he watches from the corner slowly jacking off. or join patreon.com/westernpromises and we will do the heavy lifting.

come one come all to experience the schizophrenic fever dream Resident Evil 1 Christmas mod with the fellas and like 10 of our dearest friends from the discord server. strap in for a nearly 3 hour festive wild ride and experience yuletide treats the likes of which you've never seen such as: -batshit insane dialogue that has constantly shifting volume, will randomly switch to only one audio channel, cuts off before lines finish, is plagued with random noises in the background and is rife with DELIGHTFUL nonsensical british "humor" -pretty good new music tbh -the wackiest christmas enemies you've ever seen with your own two ears -wildly varying quality with new models and in-game graphics -a SHOCKING ending that will leave you breathless -also please note that kevin died the first playthrougfh and he recovers bro i promise bro keep watching i promise he does it bro please bro merry christmas cretins. we love you all <3

look folks, love them or hate them, computers are here to stay. from helping cashiers tally up how much money you owe to a five star military general determining just how many civilians he can kill and still get away with it, these electronic assistants are becoming commonplace in every industry. And while it seems like just yesterday, the ability to send an electronic Christmas card to your Nana was cutting edge, now we have computers that can be your boyfriend and girlfriend. Im talking about AI. Artificial Intelligence. thats right. on this episode we explain AI in explicit detail that proves that all three host fully understand it in a way that few do, and show how you can use it to not only grow your business into a money printing empire literally in 10 minutes or less. We also show you how, with a little patience and old fashioned elbow grease, you can even use AI to pad out up to 30 or 40 minutes of content on a "juggalo adjacent edgelord" podcast. At this point im really trying to squeeze in more topics in natural language in an attempt to capture a larger audience for the show. Self driving cars are probably happening right now. Esports, and competitive gaming are big topics. Apple and IOS 18 are not free from the boys biting critiques. alright, thats enough.

on:time hosts:3 identity:stolen lets get (castrate) this (these) money (boys with beautiful voices)

what you see is what you dont get. its a twist, a spin on a classic. an inversion,a clever deceit. youve been had, you have been bested by a crafty adversary. fear not, however, he has taken mercy on you. perhaps he has seen something in you worth cultivating. dont be so naive as to assume selflessness to be his motivation, surely he sees a way to further his own goals, but there is wisdom in understanding that this is just how the world works.

This is my fight song (hey)Take back my life song (hey)Prove I'm alright song (hey, ha)My power's turned on (hey)Starting right now, I'll be strong (hey)I'll play my fight song (hey)And I don't really care if nobody else believes (ha)'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

yo whats up playboy? friday? hell yeah. the weekend. time to relax. hey why dont you do something crazy? how bout you pick up your phone and call your like 3rd or 4th favorite friend? just call him out of the blue and talk. just TALK. you never know with these kinds of things. on this episode we dive into the wonderful world of PLOUFF BOOKS. PLOUFF PLOUFF PLOUFF PLOUFF PLOUFF PLOUFF PLOUFF

okay now im serious, subscribe to our patreon: patreon.com/westernpromises.com oh boy we are so back. teratomas, fistulas, kris angel uterus freak, current events, ahmeds big day, Mohamed's Theorem, metal gear solid V, standing on business. this week all three boys are in it to win it and we can see that checkered flag. kept ya waiting huh? also i am on a work field trip and Paris is dealing with a mysterious water situation so we are both on airpods. honestly its is pretty good. Please tell your brothers and sisters about our show.

do not tap the glass, dont touch the poo, look dont touch. everything i just said? NEWSFLASH: its been said before. But do you really understand? Either way listen up, tune in, sit down, and do the work. you ever heard of tool assisted speedrunning? you know Frodo Baggins? you think you know Greg? oh and im sure famous B too? w/e, get real.

look, I know the podcast has been bad, okay? Paris is MIA, my mic broke, and Kevin is chinese. But we are fixing it. We are fixing everything. Paris's disney cruise is on its way back, i got a new mic and we are replacing Kevin with an indigenous queer AFAB Dominican undertale speedrunner. its looking up. its all going up. lets get it. lets get all of it. we can have it. we have nothing to lose but our chains. oh and if ur listening you orange fascist??? enjoy losing to a GIRL! ( ಠ ͜ʖರೃ)

look, we missed a week. i could give you excuses, i could tell you everything that is in my heart, i could spill the beans but It just happened. it happens. jewishcostalelite joins me this week to talk about watches.

wow! an amazing job opportunity just lined up for one of the boys with some schizophrenic lunatic in florida running a scam solar business. will kevin pass the phone interview? will his r*tarded nephew make a mess during the orientation? does this guy have the capability of actually understanding what another human says? only one way to find out...

no time, cant edit

better late than clever patreon.com/westernpromises look here is the episode. no intro, joined by LITR. we talk two headed girl marriage, india pakistan relations, spermworld, israel palestine, red dead redemption 2 listen to lifting in the ruins:https://open.spotify.com/show/3ffjUb7V8IJROheAj3HFtH?si=f32ee117d9d54eff

the impending eclipse fucked us up. got us all turned up and mixed around and goofed unlocking a bonus episode this week from our patreon at patreon.com/westernpromises

this week? oh youre talking about this week? well this week we kick it ooooold schooool style. just beaumont, just paris, just big big laughs. hell divers 2, balatro, transracialism, autism, botulism, populism? support the show for discord access and 3 to four bonus episodes a week. Youre gonna like the way you give us $5 a month, i guarantee it. patreon.com/westernpromises

Beaumont and Kevin are on their honeymoon and they didn't want to take their microphones

//BEGIN LIE// Limited time only, the next 20 people to subscribe to our patreon get a year free! //END LIE// Subscribe for bonus episodes every week patreon.com/westernpromises ummm i paused my little sister for sale for this? let me get this straight: eat, game, repeat? Hold on, youre telling me mia khalifa has collected ALL of the dragon balls!?

Subscribe to our patreon for a bonus episode each week plus access to all urinal and stall shots patreon.com/westernpromises In this episode we are joined by Guy to discuss the real history behind the hit movie 300, the super dark effed up world of palworld, we learn what an earthrocker is, how beer is brewed ethically by sluts, the FAA hiring scandal, and what piercings you need to remove before you have a baby. Listen to Lifting in the Ruins: https://open.spotify.com/show/3ffjUb7V8IJROheAj3HFtH?si=a18b94632a6a4416

pronouns? in MY autistic first person dungeon crawler game? next youre gonna tell me they took away sobe and that beloved superstar rapper viper kidnapped a methhead and locked her in a garage with a piss soaked mattress and used diapers lying around everywhere click here and kindly subscribe dear: https://www.patreon.com/westernpromises also listen to our best friend: https://open.spotify.com/show/3ffjUb7V8IJROheAj3HFtH?si=e1b57a38f6544f22

On this episode the mad lads discuss Cobra’s all time disaster stream, rogue trader, and whether or not meth makes your dick not work

patreon.com/westernpromises support the show and get bonus episodes each week and groomer discord access happy thanksgiving everyone. fill up on turkey and cakes and figs and sweet breads. slide up to the table and dig into this gristle with me. really get in there. dig your canines in. let your salivia pour over it. we are in this together. together we can really put a dent into this. pull on the chain, bring the gristle hook closer to you. im so sorry to hear about your sister, that must be hard. take another bite, we are making progress. i love watching you work, youre a natural. i hope you are enjoying this. we have to make a plan to see each other more than just holidays and funerals. it will keep us young. we used to just hang out, remember that? just hanging out. yeah, yeah, pull on this meat hook, yeah. here, ill wipe the sweat from your brow, dont worry about it. remember melissa? no? well she was such a big part of my life and my story and now she is dead, stepped on an IED in rural Arkansas. who would have thought. the world is crazy. im just glad we have family. thank you for being here. happy thanksgiving everyone

wow what can we even say here. We are joined by the inventor of the TLC Tugger for this weeks Western Promises. We talk about the systematic mutilation of our nations men that is circumcision and also we get into toothbrush engineering. folks, you cannot miss this episode. I dont know how to tell you, if you dont listen to this you will actually die and you wont go to heaven. sorry pal, thems tha rulles. if you want to listen to more, why dont you just go ahead and sub to our patreon for bonus episodes each week patreon.com/westernpromises also join us in regrowing our stolen foreskin at: https://tlctugger.com/

In this podcast Paris and G will teach you how to please a woman. We will talk about internet stuff that Paris missed while he was getting his gender studies degree at Bard. We will talk about small trucks. We will teach you how to tap into the noosphere to receive untold wisdom. All you have to do, is click play.

long ginus. im a positive that is how they say it in the show. someone please find me a clip of them saying it bonus episodes? patreon.com/westernpromises access to the best discord of all time? patreon.com/westernpromises

dont you find it funny how this always happens? you will be minding your own business, drinking a soft kombucha on the beach listening to banana pancakes and thinking "wow how could anything be better" when suddenly you are overcome with an impending sense of doom and deep embarassment. you feel it in your chest at first but then it starts to sink down into the pit of your stomach like a rotten baseball. did you really earn this life? have you done anything of value, ever? no, probably not. get back to work you worthless loser. also subscribe to our patreon for bonus episodes and excluuuuuuuuusive features like one where you can listen to my therapy sessions for real. patreon.com/westernpromises

mexican aliens, steve harvey as the joker, Las Vegas getting pwnd, splitting your dick in two to ear extra money, starfield, brother, what didnt we talk about on this episode. A no-show guest couldnt stop us. Also help me rein in Kevin, he is going a little to hard recently and im worried about mass appeal. or at the very least subscribe to our patreon so we can get him some accent training. all of his accents sound the exact same and i just think we can do a little better. - sub for a bonus ep each week dears

pronouns? in my space video game? whats next? a lizzo mcdonalds meal? c'mon. bro the west has fallen, just get in the car. we are going to crystal burger also man what if you wanted like more of this show? patreon.com/westernpromises

if hercules missed when he shot out the sun do you think the arrow would have ever stopped? If atlas didnt shrug, do you think he ever would? if i was good once, was i am good as i ever was? this week we mourn the loss of our valued employee cootie. he was a real pain the the ass and he kept chewing off the erasers on all of the pencils in the supply closet but he could beat box better than anyone else in the office and the food he would bring for lunch looked so gross it made all of us feel better about our lunches. If i ever see him again I swear to god its on site. I will kill that man if it is the last thing I do. You dont hold hands with another mans wife even if it was "on accident." Thats fucked up. That is FUCKED UP>

can you imagine that? then we wouldnt have to go to 5th period. I hate that class. Why are we taking something called "college algebra" in frigging high school anyways? did someone miss a memo? hello!!! also Mrs. Lightfoot is so fat and flabby, how am i supposed to figure out who the hell this X guy is when all i can focus on is her flabby ass arms waving around. she smells like the bathroom at hobby lobby too. If she doesnt pass me I am going to take all of my dog's seizure medication and peace the f out of this gay world.

Here's the scoop: We are NOT neglecting the podcast. The problem? Beaumont was killed in whatever bullshit hurricane baby ass rain earthquake he's complaining about, Paris got lost in a Bass Pro Shop, and Kevin sold his computer for 900 VHS tapes of Corky Romano (unopened). Good riddance, if you ask me, heh! Heh! Heh! Baldur's Gate sex% run support us and love us and treat us right: https://www.patreon.com/westernpromises support this fella too: https://www.patreon.com/user/membership?u=99035655

damn what if you wanted to listen to another hour of this? wow you think you could? fuck shit, wow woah. i really wonder if you could patreon.com/westernpromises bonus content regularly now, that is a western promise

listen to lifting in the ruins and uncle teds cabin have you seen this goddamn thing? i love it. The sphere is more important than the drawing your daughter made in therapy that accurately depicts her trauma in a way that will allow her to move on and grow into a beautiful and fuctioning adult. It is better than that one recipe you really nailed when your friends were coming over for dinner. It is so much better than than that time when everyone was ganging up on the autistic kid at school and for once you were not the object of their scorn. I mean all of this in a loving way. Everything i mentioned earlier was a test. and I have goddamn great news - you passed with flying colors. Because you rock, and you freaking matter. Its wild how good you are at this. Im following your lead. Im watching yuou with my jaw on the ground. I see you glide across the dance floor and everyone wants to fuck you. boys and girls and even old people. they stop complaining about everything for a second and say 'damn, white boy got some heat' and i agree with them. you shoudl be so proud of what you have achieved in such a short time with so much against you. you are goku and these losers cant handle it. drop a goddamn bomb on it cause its done. you killed the game.

SUPPORT SHOW PLS: patreon.com/westernpromises I call him Don Raper actually because of how mean he is to women. he doesnt act towards them like i would. I would treat you so well. you would honestly get treated like a princess by me. You would never have to do dishes or clean sheets or things like that. I would do all of that. I would worship you. I would pause my game when you needed something from me, except dark souls (you cant pause it because it is basically online all the time time sorta, ill explain it to you when we get married)

patreon.com/westernpromises In the heart-pounding military thriller "The Phantom of the Ghost Gun," a team of elite soldiers is thrust into a high-stakes black ops mission that will push them to their limits. As the River Oracle of Edo State grows dangerously close to unlocking the secret of immortality, their assignment becomes clear: they must eliminate this relentless adversary before he alters the course of history forever. In the treacherous world of covert operations, where danger lurks at every turn, the team must confront their greatest challenge yet. Equipped with unparalleled combat skills and cutting-edge technology, they navigate a web of deception and conspiracy. Time is of the essence as they race against the clock, facing perilous odds and fighting against an enemy who will stop at nothing to achieve his dark ambitions. As the mission unfolds, the team discovers that the River Oracle's pursuit of immortality is far from ordinary. Armed with a pocket knife and an inexplicable belief in the power of a humble box turtle and some lettuce, he weaves a mystical tapestry of ancient rituals and forbidden knowledge. With each step closer to the truth, the line between myth and reality blurs, and the stakes soar higher. In the vein of Tom Clancy, "The Phantom of the Ghost Gun" delivers an adrenaline-fueled narrative that combines explosive action with mind-bending twists. As the team delves deeper into the heart of darkness, they must grapple with their own mortality while safeguarding the world from an unstoppable force. Can they decipher the River Oracle's cryptic puzzle and stop him in time? Or will humanity pay the ultimate price for the quest for eternal life? Brace yourself for a pulse-pounding journey into the heart of darkness, where the destiny of nations hangs in the balance, and the ghosts of the past and present collide.

le sigh. a sad one today. it is both an honor and a great sadness that we were able to have the last correspondence with Titan, the doomed submarine that is lost or something. thank you to our special guest and please subscribe to our patreon to help support the billionaire's gooning stepson in these trying times. we will not donate any of the money but I would like to think our show would be a great comfort to him in between yellowy nuts. ͼ(ݓ_ݓ)ͽ patreon.com/westernpromises

RIP Cormac McCarthy you would have loved leveling up your barbarian