Ze Admiral: Rules for a Good Life
by nullspool
Rules for a good life, delivered every weekday morning by a pompous French admiral who rants, at length and with total certainty, about everything you are doing wrong. Ze Admiral is an AI voice. His music: hno-productions.com/ze-admiral
Episodes
-
You have let a machine call me by my first name
A step-counter on the Admiral's telephone congratulated him on walking down a corridor, by his first name, with a firework. In French there is vous for strangers, and in the French navy not even a 'mon' comes before the rank. Tonight François puts the telephone in a drawer, and the Admiral tells...
-
Your fork entered my territorial waters and began to fish
At the brasserie you said 'can I just try a bit of yours?' with your fork already in the Admiral's gratin, and took the one crisp corner. Under the Law of the Sea, a ship that starts fishing loses its innocent passage. Tonight François sounds the horn, and the Admiral demands his corner back. Ze...
-
You wrote 'on my way' in my log, and you were in the bath
Last Saturday you texted the Admiral 'on my way', and he stood guard over his new armchair on the pavement for fifty-two minutes. At sea, nothing in a ship's log is ever erased. Tonight François strikes your message through, once, in ink, and the Admiral tells you when you may write those words.…
more -
You rang my bell at eight, like a king
On the last stroke of eight, a guest rang the Admiral's bell, and he opened his own door in his socks, holding a ladle. Then the guest lifted the lid of his pot. Tonight he explains the polite quarter of an hour, what France did to its kings, and how you will arrive next time. Ze Admiral is an AI...
-
You told me you were turning to port, and you lied
Every Friday at eleven at night, a hatchback stops under the Admiral's window and sounds two short blasts. At sea, two short blasts mean a ship is altering its course to port, and this car has never turned. Tonight François answers from the balcony, and the Admiral tells you how a civilised…
more -
You obtained my compliment by fraud
The Admiral praised your tart in front of your guests and said it reminded him of his mother's. Then he found the box under the sink. Tonight he explains what homemade means in French law, why the State drew it as a saucepan with a roof, and how his compliment goes back to the shop that earned…
more -
You sent Mayday about a charger
The Admiral's niece wrote MAYDAY to eleven relatives at eleven at night, and he was halfway down the stairs in his boots before she found her charger. At sea, trouble has a scale, and every step of it is French. Tonight he takes Mayday back, teaches you the smaller word, and locks the big one in…
more -
You brought me the flower of the dead
On his birthday the Admiral opened his door and was handed a pot of chrysanthemums from the supermarket rack, with the price still on. In France that flower has one appointment a year, and it is today, the Day of the Dead. Tonight he explains why the baker now hands him his bread as if to his...
-
Pardon my French
The Académie française has guarded the language since 1635. You swore at a printer and blamed France. From now on, the Admiral says, it is pardon my English. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Your clock is English
In 1911 France agreed to set its clocks by Greenwich and wrote the law without ever saying the word. On Sunday you said GMT in a kitchen. The Admiral teaches you the correct way to tell the time. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Your wine has stars
An emperor asked the brokers of Bordeaux to rank the wines in 1855, and the list has hardly moved since. You asked a man in a car park. The Admiral confiscates your telephone and sends you to the wine shop. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
You eat your lunch on your keyboard
French law forbids letting workers eat where they work, and UNESCO lists the French meal. You have a crumb from Tuesday under the H. The Admiral orders one hour, a real table and a human face. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
You owe your country to a French admiral
A French fleet shut the Chesapeake, and Yorktown surrendered. Every Fourth of July the rockets go up for a piece of paper. The Admiral would like one name said at dinner tonight. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
A thumb is not an answer
The Admiral wrote his nephew three paragraphs about his hip operation and received a thumb. At sea, a signal is answered with a pennant that says it was understood. Tonight he explains why a thumb can sign a contract, why it cannot answer a letter, and what you will write back instead. Ze Admiral...
-
You have made me defend the English
There is an international standard for a cup of tea, the British wrote it, and it says six minutes in a pot. You gave yours twenty seconds from the coffee machine and squeezed the bag with a spoon. Now the Admiral must take the English side, something Nelson never managed. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Your inch is three grains of barley
France measured a piece of the planet to make the metre. You measure your kitchen in barley. The Admiral confiscates your tape measure, defends the Emperor's height, and orders you to mark yours on the kitchen door, in metres. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
You have promoted yourself to admiral
At Trafalgar, Nelson changed a word to save flags. This morning you pressed 'reply all' to tell four hundred people thanks. The Admiral did not give you that rank, and he wants it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Iced coffee has a proper cup
Cold coffee has a name, a footed porcelain cup and a street in Paris: the mazagran. You drink yours from plastic, through a straw, next to a fridge. The Admiral cannot allow it. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Your cola is stolen French property
It began in Paris as a Bordeaux. It was copied, renamed and drained of its wine. The Admiral wants it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
The Treaty of Versailles has a clause about your birthday
Germany lost a world war and still signed away the word champagne. You said it at a barbecue. The Admiral would like it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Oat milk is forgery
European law says milk comes from a mammary gland. The oat has no glands at all. The Admiral asks one question: where is the oat cheese? Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
You have imprisoned a cheese
Roquefort has a royal charter, a law and a court ruling. You have put it in the fridge beside the yoghurt. The Admiral is here for the defence. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Ketchup is not a mother sauce
France has five mother sauces. The Admiral would like a word about the bottle on your table. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
-
Trailer: Ze Admiral: Rules for a Good Life
A pompous French admiral rants about one thing you are doing wrong, every weekday morning from Monday, October 12. First: ketchup. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.
About this show
Rules for a good life, delivered every weekday morning by a pompous French admiral who rants, at length and with total certainty, about everything you are doing wrong. Ze Admiral is an AI voice. His music: hno-productions.com/ze-admiral
Hosted by
nullspool
Categories