All Episodes
Football Cliches — 305 episodes
Offside contamination, yards of confidence & Drury's Down Under doppelganger
Late doors, John McGinn's trademark finish & accidental commentary football chants
Cliches Live in the sunshine, the Mike Dean content machine & ASMR in the EFL
The washed Sky Sports News, Horlicks FC & the Transfers That Feel So Right XI
Vomiting footballers & 30 years of the electronic sub board: The listeners' loves & hates
Sarcastic passes, tiny football studio furniture & the most un-booable position in an XI
Wake-up reality checks, cracked MOTD logos & the ultimate Puskas Award goal
Counter-attack calculations, club nickname knowledge and Keys & Gray in 120 seconds
Community Shield coasting, breaking down a "bomba" & how to launch a football podcast
Rhyming clangers, David Seaman chuckles again & Keysey on a Lime bike
Carabao curtain-raising, regrettable stepping stones & FSV Bachmünden
Fearing for Fulham, goal celebrations in the shower & the Repatriation of Richard Keys
Money-grabbing gargoyles, John Stones' meta-knackered shoulder & Farmer Alan Shearer
Free Dreamland episode: The joy of watching football on holiday
Secondary goal celebrations & the "we talk about" epidemic: The listeners' loves & hates
Tom Cruise's FIFA-speak, Messi's grassing & the Pure World Cup 2026 XI
(Over)familiar failings, the freshest possible World Cup final & Luis Figo vs T. rex
A little bit all at sea, gyroscope magnitudes & Joe Cole on the pyramids
The Aguirre noise, lungbusting thresholds & the Penalty Miss XI
1,114 Dan Burns, retro World Cup controversy & the most unsatisfying noise of the tournament
The Boxpark backlash, unfinished Azteca business & the unluckiest World Cup score-avoider
A correct year for every last-32 game, Trumpian co-comms & breakfast with Sean Dyche
Fox-mode Fletch, Scottish limbo & Andy Burnham's one-on-one finishing
The Vamos epidemic, Lineker on ITV & accidental 90s trance in VAR announcements
England's beloved scoreline, Messi's scout badges & the hydration-break hand gesture
The BBC/ITV truce, World Cup life-bursting & Tina Turner's spot-kick record
Giant lanyards & England camp mood updates: The listeners' World Cup loves & hates
England's Florida scoreboard XI, niche FIFA metrics & watching the World Cup in 4D
The Football Cliches Quiz XXV: Cliches vs The England Pod
Stutter steps in Budapest, Switzerland on Saturdays & Keysey's final sign-off
The VAR-monitor jog & fans coming in peace: The listeners' loves & hates
Spurs circling the drain, European hangover defiance & farmers taking penalties
Unleash the Arsenal long-reads, Spygate super-schadenfreude & a Bundesliga hoax
Labour's laboured footballspeak, thumpable scorelines & penalty pop-ups
The Football Cliches Quiz XXIV: Cliches vs The Sweeper - The Rematch
Corner-kick chaos, a Premier League without a W & Joe Cole at the Ritz
The 9.75 role, Tom Hiddleston's Champions League mindset & the Faroese Andy Gray
The fixture pile-up threshold, Sean Dyche playing "Sean Dyche" & under-10s trophy parades
Team-talk mythology & the stickers of European toilet cubicles: The listeners' loves & hates
Great adverts for the pyramid, technicians of the sphere & Qatar to Coventry in 3 minutes
Elite barbers' FPL advantage, the Collins-Tomkins dilemma & doing The Terrestrial
Lee Dixon on toast, “advantage City” & a commentator's Copacabana complex
Unexpected Stevenage, premature hauntings & the Premier League goal caught on CCTV
Half-and-half Shakespearean scarves, scouting for Shevchenko & the half-dozen crisis
The Football Cliches Quiz XXIII: Cliches vs Career We Go
FA Cup lustre status, Ally McCoist's cliche mashup... and every Premier League game ever
The Extinction XI
Biggleswade bragging rights, Tanzania 0 Liechtenstein 1 & Keysey's perfect Christmas
Football vs The Dictionary: Susie Dent on bus-parking & bouncebackability
The Carabao Supremacy, yodelling commentators & the absolute Joe Hart
GoPro goalkeepers & textbook crossfield-pass apologies: The listeners' loves & hates
”My baby looks like Gary Megson", MOTD donking & in dreamland with Bodo/Glimt
BBC live-text sad lads & watching football in the boozer, with Jimmy "Dead Pubs" McIntosh
FA Cup scares/dumpings/cruises, dark orange cards & Roman gladiator VAR
The freefall threshold, Benjamin Sesko's windows & the streets forgetting Santiago Munez
Co-commentary cues, flopping full-backs & the "one of our own" threshold, with Lucy Ward
The 5-a-side keepers' union & World Cup pub bunting: The listeners' loves & hates
Literally ghosting, Larry David's Champions League commentary & Sir Alex's 2011/12 title curse
Hoddle's Curse strikes again, the world-record fans' favourite & a saucy U-turn
The Forest-Watford Vortex, champagne players & Pep vs Daffy Duck
Generic Spurs punditry, regurgitating possession & ding-dong stalemates: The 500th episode
Introverted full-backs, radio commentary synchronicity & the Champions League of trees
”Absolute wimp", Arsenal's pre-ignited quadruple & a Doha denouement
Scorpion scepticism, 80% ball knowledge & Conor Coady's Football Clubs (2026 edition)
Flats that overlook stadiums & the optimum time for Sky Sports News: The listeners' loves & hates
The "what's eating Erling Haaland?" threshold, FA Cup anthem fears & Gary Weaver's Circle of Goals
Zohran Mamdani's PL Years & a chat with Éanna Hardwicke on playing Roy Keane in Saipan
The moment the AFCON final peaked, Wenger's Law & football gestures at bus stops
Properly getting out, cricketing ASMR, and shadow umpire’s call
Shane Todd on post-save goalkeeper emotions & professional footballer-botherer Rio Ferdinand
Semenyo's 0.028% return, six nicknames in 15 seconds & Scotland's bottom dogs
41-year-old blokes playing for prime Barca, Ken Barlow's terrace anthem, and the Sir Alex blessing
Resurgent corner flags, Eddie Howe's onslaught threshold & "the Pound Shop Potter”
Snake pits and minefields, the shadow follow-on, and catching on camera
That Man DCL, heading your granny & clowns in Slough bunkers
Domestic shadow-batting, no mugs, and spectator stress
Absolute dreamland: The Best of Football Clichés in 2025
Glove-spitting goalkeepers & edge-of-the-D drama at five-a-side: The listeners' loves & hates
North-east river supremacy, David Moyes' giant duck & Keysey's nutmegs
Tricky little sessions, daddy hundreds, and getting hit "amidships"
Unexpected Clive Tyldesley noises & Gabriel's hypothetical Arsenal own-goal hell
Uzbekistan vs Colombia at 3am, the Infantino Shrug & a dubious bagsman
I Wanna Dance With Peter Drury, grinding out a 5-4 & Haaland's League One future
Commentator's curse conspiracies, homegrown stewards & Lee Hendrie's "highgevity”
Expected leaves, driving "on the up" & absolute Ebony Rainford-Brent
The Football Cliches Quiz XXII: Cliches vs Career We Go — The Decider
Arsenal's official title status, Idris Elba's prefix woe & the verb "to goal”
Lashing/dabbing a seed/cherry, moral victories, and why do the Aussies hate Bazball?
The "Club X til I die" loophole & torn hamstrings at the Battle of Hastings: The listeners' loves & hates
Premature dark-horsing, false-nine nostalgia & introducing... Cricket Clichés
On toast in his pocket, pulling up trees & The Number-and-a-Half XI
Accidentally patronising commentary, the Battle of the Big Dan B's & Keysey meets Piers
Vittorio Angelone on orchestral anthems, Lev Yashin's cap, and badge-avoiding classy touches
”Cool as custard”, Reo-Coker's hanky-panky & football's reigning Great Entertainers
Rob Morgan on FA Cup engraving, football rhyming slang & overrated wondergoals
Five football clubs in 10 seconds, Ekitike's non-haunting & prime minister Martin Keown
Scottish League Two scores, leaked fines lists & the sixth penalty taker: The listeners' loves & hates
Live show legends, Liverpool's 18ft 10in strike force & a new Neville noise
The Cape Verdean Dan Burn, Keysey the actor & the Communication XI
Own-goal flavours, casual retirements & football clubs as sperm counts
England's 25th-choice right-back & the definitive Movement XI
Blown-open title races, punditspeak on the terraces & Woltemade's weird penalty
xG's latest victim, Jamie O'Hara vs the RAF & football's goldfish bowls
The last corner flag, acres of experience & Christianity's classy touches
Playing for your dad's team & mercifully short injury time: The listeners' loves & hates
5.88 EFL seconds, Andy Townsend in song intros & the "sick of the sight of him" threshold
The Jose Mourinho box office & a one-man war on factually incorrect football anecdotes
Mowbray vs Brotherton, goalkeepers worth 12 points & Keith Andrews in the building
Serbian statements, Ange's unfinished business & Cape Verde: the World Cup Blackpool
The MOTD intro scandal, Taxman FC & the most "cat amongst the pigeons" goal ever
The Football Cliches Quiz XXI: Libero
Slot's embarrassment of riches, hyperliteral stadium noises & Zidane vs Dyche
Panenka-triggered goalkeepers & empty-net warm-up anxieties: The listeners' loves & hates
Dyche goes dating, Dean Ashton's defensive doughnut & textbook piledrivers
Champion flatulence, football punditry sat navs & Sean Dyche X Big Sam
Vertical highlights, Farage's footballspeak & Stockley Park's canteen crisis
8.55 seconds in Wrexham, Celeste's Sky Sports flame is out & niche 2025-26 predictions
Curtain-raising issues, Wycombe's new goal verb & things you cannot be "amid”
Conor Coady's football club, alphabetical top flights & the world's most generic team name
Eastenders' Euro 2025 joy, #AccidentalCantona & "the most 2011 transfer of all time”
The Football Cliches Quiz XX: The View From The Lane
Goalkeepers' headers & elasticos on the deck of the Titanic: The listeners' loves & hates*
The Agyemang Cacophony, the storm-weathering threshold & how clubs “get their man”
Talispersons, textbook Turkish Super Lig & time limits for the commentator's curse
The threshold for being "rudderless" & Tour de France riders as footballers
Pre-season trophies, Iran in the Championship... and what happened to shin splints?
Overage youth team mentors & the quickest repaying of a transfer fee ever
Giving 40,000%, Test Match Andy Townsend & "Can you explore a swoop?”
Wimbledon tennis players as footballers & the floodgates threshold
Stopping Celeste's flame, pre-season lingo & Jhon Duran's reverse-gear career
5-a-side injury updates & watching TV football from an acute angle: The listeners' loves & hates
”The most involved-goals man", Swiss Army knives & watching the Roy Keane film trailer
The Pure Bundesliga XI
Count Infantula's Club World Cup, referee kit launches & goal sandwiches
Heavy England shirts, absolute clinics & Club World Cup curiosity levels
Dixon is the new Lawro, Ange's logical next move & "where the dust mites dwell”
Vivaldo, the "end to end" threshold & the authenticity of Lionel Messi's pub crisps
Tom Cruise on short corners, VAR at Tesco and introducing... Dreamland
Proper clubs & "woke pressing" with the Screen Rot Podcast
The 100-minute fetish club, Love Actually in Naples, and the ultimate "released on DVD" game
Marmoush's hat-trick of Etihad gasps, Messi in Mobland & what makes a "shrewd" signing
The Dean Henderson Final, Scottish police enganches & the hitman criteria
The Football Cliches Quiz XIX: Not The Top 20
The League of Farmers, metaphorical mountains & UFO-spotting Premier League managers
Stanley Tucci's Champions League punditry, Furniccio Villaggione & a chat with Rudi Voller
Perfectly-timed crowd noise, Jacko Wilsheri & managers who qualify as "glorified PE teachers”
Football's present-tense addiction & penalty shootout celebrations: The listeners' loves & hates
Accidental FIFA commentary, Newcastle's Fibonacci fate & Premier League cliche analytics
Pope John Gregory, Premier League clubs as supermarkets & route-one crowd noise
Fact-checking Paul Scholes, caretaker popes & Olivier Giroud's locker
The Premier League Unfinished Business XI
Prince William's punditry, TNT's "hipster gunk" and a gift from the Keys & Gray gods
Ribblesdale Rovers vs The Rules, Chris Sutton vs football jargon & the exact definition of a "hoick”
The ultimate managerial indignity & everything ITV crime dramas get wrong about football
Doing a job on Chris Wilder & goalkeepers just booting it upfield, with Bryan's Gunn
Free-transfer pundits, Daniel Mann's woodwork nuance & ex-Spurs defenders vs. the Jonas Brothers
”Snuffing out the danger", pre-match strolling & drinking the opposition's water: The listeners' loves & hates
90/10 tackles, Danish player ratings & how to board a train like a 30-goal striker
Woke metrics, Erling Haaland's Pro Evo name & our niche England predictions
The Carabao springboard, more musical commentary & the most Richard Keys-sounding tweet of all time
Knowing your way around the Champions League, German woodwork & England's future one-cap wonders
The whole 11.2 yards, DNA-level Lampardian Transitions - and Keys & Gray become one
The Pure Discourse XI
How to time a red card, penalty run-ups & commentator Robyn Cowen voice-controls a stadium
The Football Cliches Quiz XVIII: It Was What It Was
Champions-elect, relegated Rishi Sunak & Premier League managers with Athletic subscriptions
How to celebrate an own goal & ball-boy etiquette: The listeners' loves & hates
Chuckling stadiums, Things-in-Chief and, finally, some actual whispering of it quietly
Crosses from the 1990s, baseball scores & the death of the managerial "war cry”
Nursery rhymes with Fletch, Clark Kent goalkeeping & under-12s away-day cauldrons
The Football Cliches Quiz XVII: The Commentators
The "17th chess piece", the death of the onion bag & coded messages to the board
Referees vs The Limelight, passages of terror & Matt 1 Hernia 0
"Football, bloody football", UK garage Postecoglou & the exact weight of a Premier League point
Cometh the quinquennium, cometh the pod
Has the Premier League hit peak “What a job [Manager X] is doing up/down there?”
Portrait-aspect football & England managers in the stands: The listeners' loves & hates (feat. Chloe Petts)
WW2 with Ray Parlour, Tamworth's global appeal & the 1863 Ballon d'Or winner
Trip-hop Liam Delap, the terminal velocity of a lob & the goal gifting crisis
The first embers of a game, heavy-metal Jonathan Pearce & the Andy Gray of lacrosse
”Listen, fair play": The Best of Football Clichés in 2024
The Football Cliches Quiz XVI: Career We Go - The Rematch
Cliches do Mesut Haaland Dicks: Adam, Charlie & Dave’s footballing loves & hates
The blip-to-crisis benchmark, Comedy Central defending & Australian red card music
Commentators sampled in experimental French pop & the ultimate generic multi-club ownership group
Unexpected Sutton, diags on MOTD & the “good time to play them” threshold
The best 9.3% of the FA Cup draw, the "stand named after you" threshold & Richard Keys on cars
An educated left head, the first goal ever uploaded to YouTube & the "big-money signing" formula
Sunday League set-piece routines, the "olé" threshold & mistimed minute's applauses: The listeners' loves & hates
5.54 seconds of away-goal confusion, footballers in US T-junctions and the official Keys & Gray app
The Bosman legacy, optimum camera angles & double saves, with Luke Moore
59 consecutive hat-tricks, yo-yo countries and the first-ever usage of "tippy-tappy football”
Deodorant ads, Don(ald) Goodman & "The Deeney Guy": Cliches meets Sky Sports commentator Bill Leslie
xG meets crime dramas & the Sunday League to Premier League hat-trick pathway
The Vitality Stadium swing state, Noel Gallagher's co-comms & the "big five" of cheese
”Still 0-0, lads!", a man named Hattrick & the mid-2010s throw-in scandal
Curses vs Hoodoos, journeyman film directors & Keysey's philosophers
Jack Reacher's Villa 5-a-side team, two Andy Townsends & the most darts-looking PL manager
Styling out fake injuries & "How long ref?!": The listeners' loves & hates (feat. Doc Brown)
Salah's Sunday 4.30pm supremacy, Fred Again's biscuits & going down like a game of Jenga
The definitive game for every football scoreline
Armchair admirals, Roberto Carlos darts & "Doing a [Club X]”
Cliches vs The Football Ramble - The Football Cliches Quiz XV
Liverpool's radar status, lusty bangers & Richard Keys’ 12,476-game TV marathon
First names on shirts, Footy Scran technicalities & the FPL universe, with Ellis Platten
An incredible football birthday card, Dutch league-table madness & Mick McCarthy in the jungle
Football's shortest spell, the "in charge" threshold & the first half/second half vibe experiment
Beating the commentators to the punch and the ideal conditions for "nothing doing": The Listeners' fascinations and irritations
Footballing military ranks, Carabao chaos & a phrase only Sean Dyche would use
Jamie Carragher's match-ball voice, promotion fodder & three-sided fortresses
Carsley culture, scorelines you'd take before the game & the most left-footed Premier League club
”Welcome to League C", pointless penalty shootouts & the connoisseur's referee whistle
Silky Toblerones, Serbian football small talk & telepathic right-backs
Cometh the minute, poetic Andy Townsend and Keysey's quote-tweet masterpiece
The Adjudication Panel: The minutes left vs blood pressure ratio
The Adjudication Panel: Sparking a stroll, rickets vs howlers, and the Champions League anthem revamp
Players spotting themselves on the big screen & ironic referee cheering: The listeners' loves & hates
The Adjudication Panel: Big nutmegs, premature pacesetters & footballing disciples
The Adjudication Panel: Transfer limbo, Romania '94 small talk & Merson does Strictly
The Adjudication Panel: Sleeping horses and Harry Kane's complex classy touch
The "Summer 2024 Transfers That Just Feel So Right" XI
The Adjudication Panel: Carbon-copy commentary & where clubs store their pre-season minutes
The Adjudication Panel: Footballers with Olympicy names & Unexpected Kevin Keegan
The Adjudication Panel: Steve Coogan is playing Mick McCarthy in a film, what else is there to talk about?
The Football Clichés Quiz XIV: Cliches vs The Sweeper
The Adjudication Panel: "A real plomb", big-match dust-settling & the worst football Q&A night ever
Squad arrival videos, MOTM substitutes & watching football on holiday: The listeners' loves & hates
The Adjudication Panel: Unhinged pre-match montages & Heartbreak vs Heartache (2024 edition)
The Adjudication Panel: From Talksport to NATO - a cultural review of England 2 Netherlands 1
The Adjudication Panel: Euro 2024's future Premier League forgettables & the Jordan Pickford penalty-heroics threshold
The Adjudication Panel: Misstiano Penaldo, "The Misquoted One” & arm-wrestling with Martin Keown
The Adjudication Panel: The England clamour table, bending your run & dancing on the streets of City X
The Adjudication Panel: The unifying experience of watching England struggle to play football
The Adjudication Panel: Martin Keown's GCSEs, Pro Evo Jules Kounde & when nations hold their breath
The Adjudication Panel: The vocabulary of an England group-stage draw & Euro 2024’s Commentator’s Curse
The Adjudication Panel: The Euros that didn't need to burst into life
The Pure European Championship XI
The Adjudication Panel: 1.4 billion years of hurt, Grealish's mayo hell & the opening-game formula
Capos, club mentalities & calculating England's actual years of hurt: The listeners' loves & hates
The Adjudication Panel: Mourinho in Turkey, 71 billion calories & a football club every 2.24 seconds
Clicheship Years: 2023/24
The Adjudication Panel: Double swoops, double saves & Down Under with Eddie Howe
The Football Clichés Quiz XIII: Cliches vs Dial F for Football
The Adjudication Panel: Pep's ice cream van, popping up with a goal & an "absolute football club”
Hi-tech hoardings & tactically illiterate World XIs: The listeners' loves & hates
The Adjudication Panel: "Why can't they go on and win it?"
The Adjudication Panel: Mid-2000s Premier League antiques & how the square goalpost met its end
The Adjudication Panel: Four-star Haaland & the most elaborate football analogy in modern politics
Gary Lineker meets Cliches: Why aren't strikers rounding the goalkeeper any more?
The Adjudication Panel: Winning the "hard way" and the Missing Piece of the Jigsaw XI
The Football Cliches Quiz XII - The Totally Football Show
The Adjudication Panel: "Some bloke sat in a booth near the M4 with a fancy protractor"
All-English European ties & post-goal iPad analysis: The listeners' loves & hates
The Adjudication Panel: "What a horse he was, by the way"
Sizeable hillocks & nightclubbing with McCoist: Jon Champion does Mesut Haaland Dicks
The Adjudication Panel: James Ward-Prowse Territories & hasty Panenkas
The Adjudication Panel: Elland Road trigonometry & the Footballers Called Pete crisis
The Adjudication Panel: We've said 'come and listen to this podcast' and you've said 'thank you very much, I will’
The Football Cliches Quiz #11
The Adjudication Panel: Among the assists, prime players & the tormentor-in-chief scale
Centre-backs leading the line, overlapping kick-off time angst, and long-range near post goal aesthetics
The Adjudication Panel: Pivotal wins, corners in a dangerous position, and the Factory of Sadness
The Adjudication Panel: Agemates, locksmiths & Alan Curbishley's garden
The Adjudication Panel: "Over to you [Title Rival X]" & Knuckleball on Corrie
The Adjudication Panel: Great White Shark 0 Killer Whale 1 (72 mins)
The Adjudication Panel: the Haaland missed sitter incredulity
The Football Cliches Quiz X
The Adjudication Panel: G-Nev's adjectives, cynical finishes & gobbling up chances
The Adjudication Panel: Lithuanian ultimate frisbee & how to divide up a league table
The Adjudication Panel: Sensory football, a 27-second bright start & the war on socks
”Genuine height", European banana skins and the listeners' fascinations & irritations
The Adjudication Panel: Midfield "quarterbacks" & Montell Jordan's right-backs
Les Dennis, paintbrush volleys & the Quiz Question XI
The Adjudication Panel: Horror shows, title blows and “different custard”
Ref sandwiches, "teapot finishes" & the Premier League Mid-Point XI
The Adjudication Panel: FA Cup illusions & Andy Townsend’s octopus goalie
The Adjudication Panel: The Lampardian Transition, 2014-2024
The Adjudication Panel: Footholds, foreign contingents & death metal midfielders
The 'How Did [Player X] Never Play for [Club Y]?' XI
The Adjudication Panel: The most Premier League fixture there never was
A superb footballer name, defenders shooting from 30 yards and throw-in paranoia
The Adjudication Panel: The longest 3.85 seconds in football history
The Adjudication Panel: Washing machines that sound like referees
The Football Cliches Quiz IX
The Adjudication Panel: Are we all truly ready for a Club World Cup?
The Adjudication Panel: Glovesmiths and parking the bus at the Battle of Kursk
Centre-backs on the wing & "comunicado oficial"
The Adjudication Panel: "The Mesut Ozil of public transportation"
Copycat knee-sliders & kicking balls into skips: Chloe Petts does Mesut Haaland Dicks
The Adjudication Panel: "He hit it where Grandma hides the jam jars"
The Adjudication Panel: Can a goalkeeper be a wonderkid?
The Adjudication Panel: The things in football you can 'ooze'
Football freestylers & Sunday league rondo etiquette
The Adjudication Panel: 'The Scott McTominay of antibiotics'
The Pure EFL XI
The Adjudication Panel: How many errors make a comedy of errors?
Gary Neville's parrots, with George Lewis
The dying art of managers moving upstairs, the 'revelation' threshold, and some low-key FA Cup magic
England's Euro 2024 clamour forecast and a Premier League quiz for the ages
The most comprehensive definition of 'ghosting in' of all time
The Pure La Liga XI
Sean Dyche's Glasto, cheat codes and a data dive into 'too little, too late'
Background pub TV games, flip flaps & the quiet dignity of a club-branded mug
Electric in the air, the 'chipped in with X goals' threshold & Our Summer With Richard Keys
The Football Clichés podcast is back! (Trailer)