All Episodes

We Talked Business… Kinda

All Pink Starburst = Elite

The Great Ranch Debate

The Bathroom Attendant Is the Real MVP

March Madness Brackets Already Busted

Why Nothing Works When You Need It

Why Am I Watching Curling at 1AM

Beer League Dynasty Mode Activated

Home Improvement Shows LIED to Us

Netflix Needs to See This

Professors Gave Up, We Graduated

2026 Is Our Year

Buffet Tactics & Cargo Short Crimes

Black Friday: The Hunger Games for Appliances

The Boys Build the Local Big Time Complex

The Great Halloween Candy Review

Monday Night Football Is Ruining My Sleep Schedule

Sam vs. Arby’s: The Beef Awakens

Chris Had Fun, Now It’s James’ Turn

Birthday Boy vs. Skynet

Movie Star Energy, Basement Show Budget

Shower Beers Are Year-Round

Our Brains Are Preseason Too

Snack Lords vs. the Heat Index

August: The Sunday Scaries of Summer

Now Streaming in Glorious 480p

Still Using July as an Excuse for Everything.

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Podcast

Cancel Us Later, We’re Busy Right Now

May was the pregame. June is the main event.

Stars, stripes, and SPF 50.

Thanks to Google, Grammarly, and group projects I did none of the work for.

Raising me was your cardio. You’re welcome.

Margs now, regrets mañana.

Drafted 1st overall… by my couch.

Like I didn’t just eat 42 Reese’s eggs for breakfast

Don’t grow up. It’s a trap

April: when the weather has commitment issues.

Vermont: flip flops at noon, snow boots by 5

March: The perfect time to start those New Year’s resolutions… again.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for

Just waiting for halftime.

Hot chocolate for the soul, whiskey for everything else.

Did you make it to midnight?

The best is yet to come.

Don't Eat The Yellow Snow

Dear Santa, define "nice"

Leftovers are for quitters

Turkey and nap season.

Don't steal. That's the government's job.

Felt spooky, might delete later.

Witch better have my candy

Get in loser. We’re going trick-or-treating.

I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Fall? Don’t you mean football season?

I swear it was the beginning of summer like 5 minutes ago.

Goodbye, summer. Hello, long weekend!

When life gives you state fairs, head straight for the food.

Life is better with funnel cakes and ferris wheels.

When you accidentally Olympic dive into a bowl of snacks.

Lord of the Olympic rings.

Living free since 1776

Flip flops, fireworks, and freedom

This is my "ready for summer" face.

Can I get a side of freedom with my burger?

Girls Just Want to Have Sun

Happy Mother's Day to the person who uses my voicemail like a podcast.

I'm Looking For A Wine That Pairs Well With Allergy Medication.

It's Gonna Be May

I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?

Swing, sip, repeat.

This hot-and-cold weather is the reason I have trust issues

Basketball is life during March Madness.

Painting the town green!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Spring fever.

We clean up pretty well, don't we?

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

Not lazy, just on energy-saving mode.

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

I’m still the same person I was last year, now I’m just hungover.

I’m trying to get into the Holiday Spirit, but the darn bottle won’t open.

Resting Grinch face

Pour some gravy on me.

Football and Nap

Local Big Time Spooktacular! Episode

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some a**hole has my pen.

Witch Bitch

Goodbye September, and hello to October.

Sorry for what I said during the game.

Sundays are for football.

Trading in my sunscreen for pumpkin spice

Summer makes me drowsy. Autumn makes me sing. Winter’s pretty lousy, but I hate Spring

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Catch me at alllllll the barbecues this summer

Local Big Time 4th of July Show

Current mood: cue the sparklers.

School's out, brains on vacation! Let the summer shenanigans begin!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

College is a $120,000 hooker, and you’re the idiot that fell in love with her.

You can do it! - Tequila

It's gonna be May

I know I am getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.

Life is soup and I'm a fork.

If life gives you lemons, Add VODKA.

March is the month God created to show people who don’t drink what a hangover is like.

Happier than a seagull with a French fry.

Time to Spring clean to the music I used to club to

I'm sorry for the things I said when it was winter.

Winter is like Monday but… longer.

Life is short, but so is my attention span.

What is Canada’s national board game?

A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Does shivering count as exercise?

I'm not buying a 2023 calendar... until I see the trailer.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

Winter hibernation mode on.

It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Blind man walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair.

Please tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

The Local Big Time Show Season 1 Finale

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong

My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.

Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt . . . wakes up with a stinky finger

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

In a relationship with Air Conditioner.

America’s a family. We all yell at each other, and it all works out.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not even an actor.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

I plan on avoiding embarrassing Tan lines by strictly sticking to indoor activities.

I’m going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Dear Winter, I'm breaking up with you Summer is hotter

Friday is the beginning of my liver’s work week.

Golf is just the adult version of an Easter Egg Hunt.

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

The perfect family board game is one that can be played each time with fewer pieces.

Trust me, you can dance — Alcohol.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I always cook with beer, sometimes I even add it to the food

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The world is now too small for anything but brotherhood

I ordered a soda caffeine-free, low sodium, no artificial flavors. They brought me a glass of water.

The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

I think my guardian angel drinks.

I don't sugar coat shit, I'm not Willy Wonka.

No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

"If you fall, I'll be there." — Floor

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to a library.

Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.

Life is not a fairy tale. You lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would fart…

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Fish and visitors stink after three days.

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

A Wise Man Poos On Company's Time

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