153 - Rank Your Dating Needs

When considering your needs in dating and relationships, it's helpful to think about them in terms of a hierarchy, much like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. At the base level, you must first feel safe, both emotionally and physically, before you can focus on higher-level needs such as love, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. Each of these needs plays a crucial role in the foundation and growth of a healthy relationship, and understanding what you require in each area can guide you towards more fulfilling connections. This is of course particularly true if you live with a disability. Safety Physical and emotional safety are naturally essential due to the unfortunate common occurrence of some people taking advantage of the vulnerability that can be inherent with any disability. However, I think because people with disability are still breaking free from a social history of not being seen as dating and relationship partners, it’s equally crucial that we prioritize the higher level needs of belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. I’m going to take you through the hierarchy of dating needs to get you thinking about what you individually need for a relationship to work for you. Safety is the most fundamental need in any relationship. You need to feel secure, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Emotional safety involves trust, where you feel confident that your partner will not intentionally hurt you or take advantage of your vulnerabilities. It also means having the space to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or backlash. Emotional safety also includes your disability being seen as a natural part of who you are, resulting in being treated and spoken to respectfully. Physical safety ensures that you are free from any form of harm or threat. When you feel safe, you can let your guard down and be more authentic, allowing the relationship to deepen naturally. Love and Belonging Once your safety needs are met, the next level of needs involves love and belonging. In a relationship, you want to feel accepted for who you are without having to hide parts of yourself. This involves mutual respect and understanding, where both partners feel valued and appreciated. Belonging also means feeling connected, where you share experiences, emotions, and thoughts, creating a sense of unity and partnership. To feel like you belong in a relationship, you may need a balance of freedom and closeness, where you can maintain your individuality while still being an integral part of the relationship. To truly feel like you belong in a relationship, you also need to feel valued and respected. This includes feeling heard and understood by your partner, knowing that your opinions and feelings matter. It’s important that you feel free to be yourself, make choices, and have personal space while knowing that your partner respects these boundaries. Feeling valued means your partner acknowledges your worth and sees the unique qualities that you bring to the relationship.  Self Esteem This also includes feeling that all of you is accepted, disability and all. Your self esteem needs in a relationship involve feeling good about yourself. You want to feel confident and self-assured in your role as a partner. This means being with someone who recognizes your strengths and encourages you to shine. Naturally, it would not include negativity or putting you down in any way because of your disability. When you are appreciated for who you are and what you contribute, it boosts your self-esteem. It is also about feeling competent and capable in your interactions, where you are not afraid to take the lead or share your perspective. A partner who uplifts and supports you can help you feel more secure and self-assured. Feeling fulfilled and experiencing personal growth in a relationship relates to the need for self-actualization. This involves reaching your full potential and becoming the best version of yourself. You may find fulfillment in a relationship that challenges you in healthy ways, encouraging you to grow and learn. This could mean learning new skills together, pursuing shared goals, or supporting each other’s individual dreams and aspirations. A fulfilling relationship provides opportunities for both partners to explore their passions and grow independently while nurturing the relationship. In a relationship, what’s most important to you might be acceptance, transparency, and valuing diversity. Acceptance involves embracing each other’s flaws and differences, knowing that no one is perfect. Transparency means being open and honest about your feelings, thoughts, and desires. It’s about building a foundation of trust where both partners feel safe to share their true selves. Valuing diversity means appreciating the unique backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives that each person brings to the relationship. When these elements are present, you can build a relationship based on mutual understanding and respect. Ultimately, to feel truly fulfilled and growing in a relationship, you need a partner who supports your journey towards self-actualization. This means encouraging your personal growth, celebrating your achievements, and being there through your challenges. You need a relationship where you feel inspired, where your dreams and aspirations are not just acknowledged but actively supported. Feeling fulfilled means that you are not only happy in the present but also excited about the future, both as an individual and as a part of the relationship. It is certainly time for people with disabilities, or anyone who has been marginalized in dating, to seek and expect relationships in which our hierarchy of needs are joyfully fulfilled. If you’re looking for support in finding this kind of relationship for, join our Dating Made Easier community for coaching, support and resources to meet your desires and needs. Check out our Dating Memberships: Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate