27| Being a Grown Up | Attachment Theory III

Subscribe to this podcast on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.  

Find us on Facebook: Desire Line Podcast Community

On Twitter: @mydesireline @susettemtherapy @brandonalancook

On Instagram: @susette.magana.therapy @brandonalancook

Episode 27: Our third episode in our Attachment arc starts discussing how attachment affects us in adulthood.

We talk "Internal Working Model"
"A cognitive framework comprising mental representations for understanding the world, self, and others. A person's interaction with others is guided by memories and expectations from their internal model which influence and help evaluate their contact with others."

https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html

And how we see our own IWM, and how our relationship with God affects it.

Psalm 139:5
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

There are three main features of the internal working model:
(1) a model of others as being trustworthy,
(2) a model of the self as valuable, and
(3) a model of the self as effective when interacting with others.
These beliefs of who we are, vs. how safe "the world" guides many of our interactions.

Differentiation:
Differentiation means maintaining your own individuality while in a relationship.
How do you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and acknowledge how other's thoughts, feelings, behaviors effect you?

This gives us the ability to communicate your thoughts, feelings, behaviors honestly & lovingly to others, and not try to make them take responsibility for you, while you don't take responsibility for them.

Hugging til Relaxed
Here's a terrific was to get more in touch with your partner while also getting a better grip on yourself. It turns a simple hug into a window into your relationship and a way to improve it. Prepare yourself by taking a few minutes to slow down, relax, and slow your heart rate. Then stand facing your partner a few feet away. Get a balanced, well-grounded stance over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a breath, and relax again. Open your eyes, and when the two of you are ready, shuffle forward without loosing your relaxed balanced position, so that you have one foot between your partner's feet. Get close enough that you can easily put your arms around your partner without feeling off balance, or pulling or pushing your partner off-balance either. Shift your stance or position as needed to be physically comfortable. Let yourself relax into the hug and remember to breathe. Lots of feelings about your partner, your relationship and yourself are bound to surface. Note your resistances but don't give into them. Afterwards, talk about the experience with your partner. It often takes several months of practice, several times a week, but you'll be amazed by the many improvements this brings. Hugging 'till Relaxed is fully described in the book Passionate Marriage.