The respiratory therapist adjusting your oxygen, the dietary aid who knows you're diabetic, the personal support worker helping your loved one live independently. These are the allied support and community health professionals who care for patients every day in our hospitals, labs, and local health centers. But today, chronic shortages and burnout are pushing them to the breaking point. It's time to stand up for the whole team that keeps care alive.
Support them at heartbeatofcare.ca. A message from the National Union of Public and General Employees. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv.
There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on We always have comedy shows also, so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv.
There you have a Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirt, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebell, he is the house artist. He draws every episode.
He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and he has a Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbell.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. Give it up for him. Tony Hinchcliff! Austin, it's Monday night.
You've got to make more fucking noises than that. Let's do this. Oh, shit. Brian Red Band's here in real fucking Gas Company.
Are you guys ready to do this shit tonight, huh? Guys, how about a hand for the band? Up here playing their fucking hearts out tonight. A little bit short-handed this evening.
Band-wise, I'm excited to be here. It's a fucking beautiful vibe. Everything feels good. Red Band?
Can we kill the red lights, guys? The red lights are a little bit brighter up on stage. Thanks. I lose a touch of that purple.
I don't know. There's a little purple haze going on here. It's dark up here, too. Jimi Hendrix vibes.
How you guys feel tonight? The Delta variant is storming through Austin. I see a couple masks out there that I haven't seen in a while, but I want to thank you guys for coming out tonight. Nobody fucking knows how to throw a super spreader better than us here on a Monday.
You guys are willing. Luckily, laughter is the best medicine, so it's important to remind yourselves. Hello, Asian guy in the front. Just want to say a special hello to you.
How you doing tonight? Never gets old, folks. 20 more years of me doing Asian jokes like that. Very fun stuff.
Super excited to be here. The band is amazing indeed. That is the great Matt Muehling on guitar and Michael Gonzalez on drums. We're going to have a fun night tonight.
They are the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Band of Kill Tony. We love Screwball. Delicious whiskey. If you like peanut butter and you like whiskey, why not mix that shit together?
You know what I'm saying? That's how I like to do it. It's delicious, man. Put it in with a white Russian.
Put a little shot in there. Or a little cranberry juice. Make yourself a little peanut butter and jelly fucking drink. Yeah, look at all your eyes just lit up there.
You just busted a button on that shirt. I'm excited. I can drink a peanut butter and jelly. We have amazing joke books handmade by the great Adrian Cavazos.
We're going to be giving those out to people as the show goes on. Very, very exciting stuff. And of course, as always, the show is brought to you by local, unbelievable venues, the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, Austin's finest strip clubs. Really the world's finest strip clubs, but they just have to be honest.
And we're all stuffed up on delicious food from CM Smokehouse and Bolden Acres. Our buddy Yoni is out of work tonight. He'll be back next week. And very exciting stuff.
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That's Ridge.com slash KillTony. And use the code KillTony at checkout. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week here in Austin, there has not been a single downgrade of our guests whatsoever.
For those of you guys that have been here or followed the show, you know that every single week we continue, just like our home in Los Angeles, to have the very best comedians in the world. And this week is, without a doubt, no different. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of our time, one of my best friends ever. You know him from Stern, from all these amazing podcasts.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats, Greg Fitzsimmons is here tonight. Wow. He did it again. Holy shit.
One of the greatest guests in the show's history, Greg Fitzsimmons. You know him. You love him. A real live audience, Greg.
We're here. This is amazing. Tony, Brian, congratulations on your move down south. You got out of L.A.
where it's filled with homeless people smoking drugs and harassing you on the street. I was a block from here, and I saw a cop almost tased three people. The only reason he didn't pull the trigger is because they were going, you're not going to get all three of us. Anyway, you guys are right.
I'm going to back off right now. I saw that on the way over here. It's real shit, dude. This is real.
It's really gritty here in Texas. You know what I mean? The homeless is out of... Nobody warned me, by the way.
There's fucking crime. There's bats. Yeah. I just signed a one-year lease to live in Gotham City.
Nobody warned me whatsoever. Hey, you should have seen The Shadow. It's wild. Great, of course, famously of Fitzdog Radio, his amazing podcast, and, of course, Sunday Papers with my good friend Mike Gibbons.
Mike Gibbons. You two hilarious motherfuckers going back and forth. Tickets are available for some upcoming shows. He's going to Grand Rapids, Michigan, Golden, Colorado.
Get tickets to Fitzdog Radio. Or Fitzdog.com. Sorry, Fitzdog. F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com.
Great Fruit. That's right. Great Fruit Simmons. Great Fruit Simmons.
Some people don't know that. I'll tell you the story in case you don't know it. I was working in Boston, and a woman called up the Fanny Hall Comedy Connection. We're going to assume she was an overweight black woman for the sake of the story.
And she says, who's on the show tonight? And they said, well, it's Jackie Flynn, Anthony Clark, and Great Fruit Simmons. And she goes, is Great Fruit Simmons the headliner? And to this day, I'm called Great Fruit Simmons when I go to Boston.
I love that story. Indeed. Greg, you've been on the show before. You know how it works.
Comedians signed up. It's obnoxious. Sounds like that. You guys ready to start the show?
Well, what better way to start it than with a very special treat? We're going to start the show without a bucket pool. We're going to start with a regular, everybody. This young man performs a brand new minute every single week.
Originally from Queens, New York, moved to Chicago, Illinois, where he took over the entire improv scene. Two decades at Second City. The highest ranking improv people of all time. Got diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and decided to chase his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian.
Turns out he's one of the best in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, just kicking off tonight's show, the great Michael Lair, everybody. Oh, shit. That's right.
I forgot. I fucked up. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
It's not Michael Lair. It's Andrew Dice Clay's accident-prone brother, Injured Dice Clay. Come on. Make some noise for Injured Dice Clay, everybody.
Dice. Dice. Dice. Dice.
Dice. Dice. Dice. Dice.
My new slash girlfriend's like injured. Why, when we make love, does there have to be so many pulleys and levers? I'm like, wait, you think I'm sitting because I'm lazy? The only style I can fuck in is marionette.
My mom is like, Injured, why don't you find a nice disabled to settle down where? I'm like, Mom, if I date a disabled every time we go to fuck, when everyone wants to complete intercourse, we'll have to call in Shield Team 6. Um, all at this point I want is a woman with a tight vagina who can help me put on my jacket. Hey, y'all want to hear some nursery rhymes?
A little boy blew away all my cocaine, so I flushed the goldfish from the fucking drain. All right, they get better. I won't, but they get better. Three blind mice.
The mice had participated in clinical trials for the J&J vaccine. Blindness was a side effect. Don't believe the high people selling the greenest people all over again. All right, fuck you.
All right, one more. Jack being nimble, Jack being quick. 44 years later, Jack became Jacky, now Jack's a chick. Damn.
Injured Dice Clay, everybody. It's always a special treat, and we get to see you, sir, the rare and elusive brother of Andrew Dice Clay, that you are injured. I'm second cousin, twice removed. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
The famous catchphrase of Injured Dice Clay is an owl. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm on the waiting list for six different organs. Oh, my goodness.
Why not just get a piano or a keyboard or something like that? Yeah, because you're... Why are you on the waiting list for six organs? Because you're all failing, you fucking idiot.
Oh, that's right. I forgot. You're Injured Dice Clay. For a second, I thought I was talking to Andrew up here.
You look fantastic, Injured. I love this construction zone setup that you have from the neck up. Thank you. I had a bad night of sleeping.
Artificial intelligence took control of my craft medic to adjustable bed. Okay. When I listen back to this podcast, I'm going to rewind it a few times, and I'm going to go, I think I know what he said there. Artificial intelligence messed up your adjustable bed?
Moving on. Moving on. Hey, Tony. Yeah.
What's the plural for dice? Dices? What is the plural for dice? Die, right?
Way ahead of you. Die. Oh, I like that. Good.
Oh, I got it. It took me a while there. Jesus Christ. I got to stop smoking blunts for breakfast.
It's a little bit slow on that one. By the way, I don't like your chances in this game of laser tag you got planned for later on. I got to stop smoking blunts. I got to stop smoking blunts.
I got to stop smoking blunts. I'm the home base. I'm the home base. I love this.
You have the headband rocking and rolling in your head? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Greg, get up, please.
And whatever's in my hood, will you throw it in the audience? Throw it in the what? It's a dead rat. Whoa, it's nice.
Oh, my goodness. Wow. Look at that. Hell, yeah.
Wow. Look at this. A table with a couple. They both are wearing glasses caught that with, like, their shoulders.
They got it. That was incredible. It was a great accidental super nerd catch. These people can't see shit up there.
Look at that. Love character. I'm back to me and Michael fucking Lehrer. Oh, shit.
Michael Lehrer, once you see that headband go, once the headband comes off, he becomes a whole different human, everybody. I didn't even know that was you. Okay. How's this week going for you, Michael?
What's happening? Wonderful. Yeah. I'm on a superfood and milkshake day.
Oh, okay. I read about that. So it's like a whole meal that's in a shake. Yeah.
Red Band's been living off of milkshakes for years. Watch out for him. The caramel apple chocolate one is pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah. What do you think? These are, like, healthy? Yeah.
Well, you know I was on that cocaine diet for a while. Yeah. So now I'm eating, like, okra berry. Okay.
All right. Yeah. Like high berry. Yeah.
I get a feeling Ensure is better than cocaine for someone in your position. Oh, yeah. You still snort it? Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I can't swallow anymore, so I have to take everything in the nose. But thankfully, I left Hollywood. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Absolutely. You're fucking hilarious. And I love that.
And there's some special people here tonight, right? Yeah. My Aunt Rose and my cousin, Eric. My Aunt Rose.
Look at them over there. Hell yeah. We love the layers here. Yeah.
No doubt. And, of course, my new slash girlfriend, who's here every week. Of course. And I never, ever get her a chair to sit on.
And here, the first week, we got my new slash girlfriend to see. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my goodness.
I had no idea that was an issue. Sorry about that. If he would have mentioned it one time, I would have been like, of course we can get your girlfriend to see. Hey.
You know who motherfucker. Hell yeah. I'm not saying she's embarrassed to be your ex-girlfriend, but she's the only one in the room with a mask on right now. I just assumed your girlfriend rolled around like you and brought her own chair to the party.
You know what I mean? Well, we do role play. She lays down and I don't want her ass over. You definitely put the role in role play.
I love it. Michael, you're the absolute best. I can't think of a better way to start tonight's show. A brand new two minutes from Michael Lehrer, everybody.
Here comes some of the crew. Oh, shit. Wait. It's Injured Dice Clay, everyone.
Look at that. There he goes. All right. Let's get into this bucket.
You guys ready to see something crazy? Anything can happen here. Maybe it's a local star. Maybe it's someone's first time.
This is where shit gets wild. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Sid Sepp. S-I-D-S-E-P. Sid Sepp.
Do we have any movement? Hold on a second. Is this Sid Sepp? Is this Sid Sepp?
Okay, keep coming, Sid. The guy in the wheelchair got up here faster than him. All right. Here he is one more time.
Sid Sepp, everybody. So I realized I needed to lose weight the other day when I was in the shower. And I looked down. I couldn't see my cock.
Sometimes when I stand for too long, I could hear my knees crying. When I was a kid, my pediatrician was a woman, and her cold hands would make my cock hard. So I tried to imagine my grandma naked. But that just made me harder.
The only thing that I'm working was imagining Freddy Cougar working part-time figuring women at an abortion clinic. We all know the song called Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I'm just waiting for the song called Guys Just Want to Come. All right.
Sid Sepp, everybody. That's a minute from Sid. A lot of comedians are into this laughter thing. Sid specializes in awes and ooze.
Yeah. This is your first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up, Sid? This is my first time on the show.
Hey, this is the first time. Thank God, everybody. That's a good thing. That's a good thing.
Trust me. Last thing you want to do is see a set like that and have somebody tell you they've been doing it for 12 years. Goddammit, Sid. How old are you?
29 years old. 29 years old. And you're finally fucking doing something. How long have you wanted to do this for?
For a very long time. I've been in a band for 12 years. What kind of band? A lat band?
Go ahead. What kind of band? Country band in Tejano. Country?
Tejano also. That's the name of it? I just quit. Wow, look at that.
What do you do for work? I'm an assistant, too. I'm a legal assistant for an attorney. Really?
You're the legal assistant? Yes, sir. Oh, my God. In the court of law or the food court?
Hey, you used that joke with David Lucas the other time. I bet. I just saw it. And people will always make fat jokes like that.
You and David Lucas. I just want to say, my brother, fuck you. You said none of my jokes were funny. Were they even funny, anybody?
Maybe one, at least. Maybe one. You're adorable. It was a good first set.
I wouldn't fucking end your relationship with your brother over it. So, Sid, when did you quit this country band? I just quit about two weeks ago. And you just said, fuck it.
I'm going to quit before doing stand-up. You're so convinced stand-up is the art for you. How long did you play music for? Twelve years.
Twelve years. But you were never the front man in the band? My dad was the front man. You played in a band with your father?
Yes, and my brother. And your brother? Oh, my God. Is this a mariachi band?
You're a big guy. You can be the front man and the back man at the same time. Great Fitzsimmons is in Texas, motherfuckers. I love it.
Now, who did the wardrobe design, the denim on denim? Was that your idea? You figured it worked for Leno for 47 years? It was me.
It was me. Oh, okay. Or writing or performing. No, I'm kidding, Sid.
You're adorable. I've always wondered what stand-up comedy would look like from the little boy from the movie Up. You are an orange flag away from floating out of here right now. So, Sid, can we maybe, if these guys played a little bit of music, can we hear a little bit of vocals from you?
Is that possible? You guys want to hear Sid's operatic-looking voice? What do you guys got? You know anything?
Why don't you tell them what you know, Sid, instead of asking? Oh, shit. This guy's pitching original songs to the band behind him. You guys know my father's favorite song, Sid?
Sid, get out of the fridge. Yeah, Sid's used to being in the spotlight, but that's the light from the refrigerator door being open. Come on, let's do something. I brought my cable play song.
So, let me ask you this. If Matt Muelling, which, by the way, in the guitar world, it's almost unheard of for a guitar player to let another man play his guitar. But you're saying that if Matt were to do that, you would play and sing a quick little song for us? Really?
Matt, what do you think about this? Oh, shit. Matt Muelling, I'm telling you. It's the screwball peanut butter whiskey.
It softens these guys up, and they just fucking, they become giving little souls. This is what happens. You drink whiskey before, this guy's going to catch COVID from this. I'm telling you right now.
Sid Sepp. Michael Laird. It's like Michael Laird lets somebody perform in his wheelchair. Holy shit.
That guitar got three sizes smaller. Look at that fucking thing. It was a guitar. Now it's a little fiddle.
Look at this thing. It's out of control. He plays the G-Botog. I've got a drinking bottle.
There ain't no reason to sound. People say I've got a drinking bottle. Feel good. I'll leave it all the wrong.
There's some broken heart in my drinking bottle. Broken heart in my home. People say I've got a drinking bottle. But I've got no problem shrinking it all.
Think I'm talking wrong. You're just counting on my car with a solution. Wow. Look at that.
Damn, dude. You didn't get your chop back, dude. There you go. That's one way of putting it.
You have an amazing voice. You have an amazing guitar. Thank you, sir. You've been doing that your whole life?
My whole life, yeah. Yeah, you sound like a real pro. You're like watching the Food Fighters. And the Food Wins in that fight, by the way.
You ever get laid from playing music? No. No? I have a girlfriend.
Oh, you do? Since when? 2000 high school. Yeah, I was going to guess.
The next thing I was going to say was you seem like one of those guys that's dated the same girl your whole life, right? That's how it happened. Have you had sex with anybody else? No.
Oh, look at that. They're all the same. Don't worry about it. I figured it.
You don't need variety. I figured it. I figured it. Now, have you ever thought about, since you've been playing for 12 years, maybe mixing the music in with your Freddie abortion jokes?
No, I have not. I mean, Bo Burnham. I don't know if you know him. Oh, Jesus Christ, right, man.
Will you stop plugging Bo Burnham on this fucking show? I've never said it on the show ever. Oh, well. Well, that was enough times for me to stop you right there.
Well, I'm just saying he's popular right now. I usually don't like musical comedy, but if you have that much musical talent. Anyway, so Sid. Follow-up.
Follow-up question. Yes, sir. Has your girlfriend fucked anybody else? Great question.
Great fit, Simmons. Wow. We are in the people's court right now. No, she hasn't.
She hasn't. Oh, she hasn't. Okay. She hasn't.
Okay. You guys must be really good at it. What's something crazy about you? But there's nothing interesting about me.
Oh, I don't believe that for a fucking second, dude. I'm sorry, man. You do something weird like in the morning time? I'm getting like, you have like a weird morning routine that you do something like that, huh?
No, no, no. No? You sure? A hundred percent.
When you wake up, what's the first thing that you do? I just try to wake up and try to give thanks to the Lord above and hope that it's a good day. And it usually goes well for me. I pray to God that everybody, all the Asians, especially Hans Kim, that he's here.
Holy shit, Sid. My God, I guess you were right. I love it. I love it.
You're the first person that I've seen get bigger on the stage when I've seen you grow a little bit. Especially why your parents named you after a sudden infant death syndrome. Yeah. Sid, you welcome to stand-up comedy, my friend.
You did it right here on Kill Tony your very first time. We're going to give you a little joke book so that you remember this. Handmade by Adrian Cavazos. This guy is a legit lettermaker in town.
Bones eyes. Sid's been preparing for this for months. How about one more time for Sid, everybody? Up here living his dreams.
Craig, how was your first time on stage? My first time on stage was a high school talent show, and I did about a half a gram of blow, and I did very well. With other people's material. Yeah, I love it.
Palin Hawley. P-A-L-L-I-N Hawley is next on Kill Tony. Let's see how this goes. You guys having fun out there yet?
My man. That's the best goddamn pedicab driver in all Austin, Texas right there. It really is. All right.
P-A-L-I-N Hawley. Come on, people. What's going on out here? All right.
Hold on. I don't know what the fuck's happening, people. Can you guys hear back there in the comedian section? P-A-L-I-N Hawley?
No movement? How about Elijah Ross? Elijah Ross. All right.
All right. One more time for Elijah Ross, everybody. So I wear my ears cauliflower like this because my girlfriend can squat more than me. Got to have something to keep me okay in the gym.
Keep that ego going. Anyway, I didn't grow up like super poor, but have y'all ever reused Q-tips? Like, you know how when you burn a marshmallow, you can pull the top off of it, and then you got a brand new marshmallow? You can use that thing four times.
I mean, okay, hey. Here's a list of three racist food. Fried chicken, watermelon, and vinegar. Jesus Christ.
45 seconds from Elijah Ross. We're going to edit that last joke out for sure. Just kidding. Just kidding.
Elijah, welcome to the show. I don't want to say anything mean about you because you will beat the shit out of me. Look at you. Look at that UFC head you have going on over there.
I'm five and a half feet tall. What do you mean? I got to do something. A lot of those people are.
That's the whole thing. How old are you, Elijah? 24. 24.
Do you fight? You wrestle? What's your thing? I used to grow up wrestling, fought about two years ago, coaching now.
Save the rest of my brain that I have, you know. Hell yeah. Hit less. A little bit left, huh?
A little bit. I love it. So you're coaching like octagon fighting, basically, like all out MMA? Yeah.
Like I said, I grew up wrestling to Jits and Muay Thai, but boxing is the easiest way to go, I think. A lot of people want to learn how to throw a punch, so it's a good way to go. Yeah. You love to fight.
That's why you wear that fucking shirt, I would imagine. Yeah, it gets a lot of eyeballs, and I love making eye contact with tall people. It's bait. Hell yeah.
Yeah. Actually, last night I won a bunch of money at the punching game thing. Find the biggest guy on the bar. Really?
Yeah. Do you ever like, because if you just wore earmuffs, you'd be so much more unsuspecting. Do you know that? Like with earmuffs, you're basically me.
You're not wrong. If I saw somebody on earmuffs, I would ask him how much he's charging. So yeah, that'd be something different than call fire earmuffs. How much money did you make last night on the punching machine?
About 10 bucks every person or about five big guys in the bar. Wow. Yeah, free drinks for me and the lady. Hell yeah, just out there hustling these big oaky motherfuckers.
I love it. It's great. Get him a couple drinks and them and I'll look even smaller. How many of you want to see Hold on a second.
If you ever get in a fight with me, I just want you to do that slow motion knee thing to me, by the way. That looked like I could probably accept that part of the onslaught. You went in slow motion there. That was wild, dude.
That was like an interpretive dance of why is the fucking dinner cold again, honey? Oh my God. Oh shit. Elijah, you ever get in any trouble with the law?
This isn't recorded, is it? No, it's not. Actually, yeah, it did. Yeah?
Yeah, one time in particular. Yeah, what was that time in particular? It was a rough night. Halloween is ruined probably for the next six years or so.
Oh really? It was a Halloween night. Built like a jack-o-lantern. Yep.