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Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony. Including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.
Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. But we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv.
There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode.
He sells prints of all the drawings he does. And we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.
And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. What? Come on, guys. It's Monday night.
You guys ready to fucking party or what? Oh, shit. Austin, Texas. Red Band's here, everybody.
Hey, it's the fucking noise. Oh, this is very exciting. Very, very exciting. How's everybody in the upper deck doing tonight?
How's the balcony? You guys with us? How about the first floor? You guys here?
Yeah, the fucking rich people always have more fun. These people paying extra money for good seats. Actually, the people on the side actually have the same amount of things. I love it.
I love it. We're going to have fun here tonight. No one has more fun than us. This is the...
How about a hand for the band, everybody? The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Band. Fuck yeah. How about that?
It happens quick. These guys are amazing. The great Matt Muehling on guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Playing amongst jazz on the 6th.
And the long center on the 12th. With Harry... Edo Kuma. Edo Kuma.
And how about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, everybody? And the great John Dees on the keys, everyone. Follow him on Instagram. Dees on keys.
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Ladies and gentlemen, every single week we have an unbelievable comedic guest here for you. This week, of course, is no different. How many of you are real fans of this show? How many of you are here because you found out that this is like a scene, and it's a place to be on Mondays in Austin?
All right. Well, you guys are in for a sad, sad happening right now, because this one's for the fucking fans, and also real fans of comedy. Tonight's guest, for his first time ever sitting at this table with us, is a man who has absolutely broken the mold here on KillTony. He's one of the most standout regulars in the show's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, an absolute comedic genius with over two years of experience in the improv world at Second City in Chicago. Ended up being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and chased his bucket list goal of becoming a stand-up comedian, only to become immediately a regular on KillTony, and famously, one of the great comedians in the history of the show. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, makes a noise for Michael Lehrer, everybody! Guys, you've got to get louder than that for Michael Lehrer, everybody.
Maybe you don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Hell yeah. Come on in. Parallel park your ass right next to me.
He's got to back it in. Got a lot of speakers and wires up here. This shit is, uh... Is that real?
Ha ha ha! John and B's. Hell yeah. That's what that button on that keyboard's been for the whole time.
You've been waiting. You're like, one day there's going to be a guy in a wheelchair, and I'm going to kill this shit. Ha ha ha ha! What is that instrument on the keyboard called?
Is that literally called Just In Case You Ever Need It? Ha ha ha! I love it. Michael Lehrer, welcome, my friend!
Yeah, yeah, y'all! Ha ha ha! Hey, y'all! You ready for two hours of gibberish?
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I think we all are. Michael, you know the show well.
For those of you who might be your first time at the show, a bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket, which also has an Undertaker doll in it for some reason. Hundreds and hundreds of names, and you see anything can happen. I pull a name out. They get 60 seconds of uninterrupted time for...
It's okay. It's okay. Trust me. He'll sit up himself in just a second.
They get uninterrupted 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time. You know that their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up, then. I'm also going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.
That's it. You ready to hear 60 seconds of comedy from somebody, huh? But another cool thing about this show is that we also have a few regulars that do a brand new minute every single week. It's been that way since the start of the show.
Michael's one of those people, but he's taken his night off from doing a minute. But tonight, to start the show, an instant legend here in Kill Tony history. The only regular that was appointed a regular here in Austin, Texas just a couple months ago. You know him.
You love him. It's the great and powerful Hans Kim, everyone. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. The show has begun!
Hey, what's up, guys? The Olympics are in Japan this year. You can tell because the gymnasts have blurred crotches. There's an octopus in the swimming pool.
I don't understand why people molest children, because they have the most time to come avenge you, you know? When they're 25 or 65, ooh! That's why I only molest the elderly. My sister's kind of a bitch.
She's like, did you know that your toilet water's clean under the drinking water in Africa? I was like, that's the pipes that we have. What do you want me to do about it? If I see an African walking down the street, I'll let him drink from my toilet.
It's not a problem. Just flush afterwards. I don't want to get AIDS, you know? Thank you.
Holy shit. Hans Campbell. Coming in, just absolutely fucking murderous way to start the show. I mean, Jesus Christ, those are a couple of my favorite jokes I've heard in forever from absolutely anybody.
Yeah, that molesting joke is probably my favorite joke of 2021, man. Seriously. There you go. It's been a good year for molesting.
Hans, you are absolutely on fire. We have seen you take the momentum of becoming a Kill Tony regular and ride it into the heavens, my friend. Famously, great sets every single time. Michael, what do you think about Hans' set tonight?
Well, I'm mad that he's so good, because I want all their regular attention. That's true. That's very honest. Very honest.
Extremely honest. Hans also famously has these great appearances after the show, where he sits there, he listens to me. Have you had a fun week this week? Yes, I had a blast at one of the coolest parties I've ever been to.
Ah, yeah. Well, you don't have to talk about that, but let's talk about your appearance last week, where famously, you people haven't seen it yet, but maybe, how many of you were at last week's show physically? Oh, okay. And then some of you may know, Hans famously made out with a girl.
This was his second week in a row where a random female audience member came to the stage, he made out with her, and then afterwards, immediately afterwards, during the elusive and highly rumored about Kill Tony after parties that sometimes happen, he had sex with her in the broom closet, everybody. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, but Tony, he didn't tell you that that guy also had sex with him in the broom closet.
That's a joke. That's why the third red banter isn't a wacky joke, but no one had sex with my dear boy, Hans Kim. I would never let another man mate with Hans. But no, you had sex with this girl.
Let's talk about it. How was it? She was a little firecracker. She had the little butch haircut.
It was a whole thing. She was very energetic and enthusiastic. How did you, like, what stood out as energetic and enthusiastic to you? Well, we did a little doggy style.
We did mostly doggy style. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Did you eat the dog afterwards?
No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Low-hanging fruit.
Low-hanging fruit. I'm sorry. You thought I would have learned by now. And she did the thing where she backs into it and, like, there's a little circle motion.
Whoa. Hell yeah. Professional. Yeah, the old fucking ass tornado.
I'd seen that before. Michael. I would just like to say, now more than ever, I hate Hans. Yeah.
Yeah. Um, I moved here for that, all right? And the biggest surprise is, being a wheelchair is more of a darebreaker than being Asian. Michael.
Yeah, Michael has not got to have sex in the broom closet. However, once, the janitor did think he was a mopping bucket. What's the closest to having sex in a broom closet? Well, there's no ramp into the broom closet.
That's true. There's always steps to the broom closet. So, Hans, tell me more. How did it finish?
What happened when you climaxed? Like, what was that like, exactly? Was that during the doggy style or the ass spinning? Like, what does it take to make a guy like Hans can come?
So, there was the ass spinning in the beginning, and then there was just straight back and forth linear, uh... Oh, linear, okay. Okay, geometrically fucking regular sex. Okay.
How long did you last? It was like a good... 60 seconds. There was the sound of a cat.
Go ahead. How long did you last? I would say like five minutes. Okay, respectful.
That's pretty good for in a broom closet. Normally, like, broom closet sex, the guy comes immediately because you're thinking, wow, what a dirty girl this is. This is so wrong, and that's exactly how those guys come. I think that's what those guys are into.
Do you remember, like, what your sounds and face look like when you came? Tony! I'm sorry, I did it again. That part might get edited out.
I'm gonna be honest with you. Just kidding. I always just say that. Nothing good.
Maybe we'll beep that part We'll beep it We'll put a blur over my face Because I went cross-eyed For no reason That's insulting Now what was it like How'd you count What was it like I was doing the linear motion And then she disembarked Oh wow I didn't realize she was On a cruise ship This whole time And then she started Giving me a little blowjob With a condom on Whoa She kept the condom on That means she knows Something that you don't want to know Wait why did she have a condom on Okay right now She wanted a condom Take it off Let's just all soak it in Let's slow it down And then after the blowjob was over I still want to know The answer to this question Did you put the condom on Or did she put the condom on you originally She was insistent on the condom Oh okay Yeah dude So we were in the closet And then we got trapped in it We couldn't open the door So then I called my buddy Ridge And he came and opened the door And I was like Dude do you have a condom He's like yeah here you go I was like dude you're the best Holy shit Ridge came to the janitor's closet By the way it's incredible I've never in my life Heard of condom sex In the janitor's closet That's right That's like the opposite Yeah the fact that you had sex With such a dirty girl In such a what should be A clean place is incredible And you had clean sex In a dirty place It's all like mind blowing If you think about it You like broke the matrix With dirty hookups At a bar venue And then she wouldn't let me Finger her in the parking lot yesterday Redman is insistent on knowing On what your face is like When you cum Show the audience Look right at that camera Right across there And show us your cum face Wow He's working Well I mean Incredible to know All this information But you know There's still a part of me That wants to keep This momentum going I think we can do better The first week he made out With a girl The second week he made out With her on the stage And then after the show Had sex in a room closet Let's see what happens this week Is there a Kill Tony fan out there Is there a lady out there That wants to come up And start a new segment Called Monday Night with Hans Maybe start a family this time Every week there's always A beautiful girl that comes down Sometimes from the balcony Sometimes from down here How many of you think We should get a girl up here To make out with Hans tonight This guy doesn't seem to think so Huh This fucking tough guy Drove all the way from Round Rock To be here tonight Has no idea where he is right now What's up with all these faggots Talking about sex Well actually I brought a date To tonight's show so What What the fuck are you doing man And that was Hans' existence As a regular everybody Was that You brought a date Well why doesn't she come down To make out with you then Wow that's a good point Get down here Where is she This is taking too long Hans don't bring a fucking date To kill Tony Oh look it's my date Oh shit Look at this easy hoe Hey it's Paige Wait Oh Hold on Hold on Stop stop stop Let me tell you something I gotta tell you something This whole bring a date To kill Tony thing Is some bullshit This chick probably knows That if she goes on a date With you on a Monday That she gets a That's the laziest kiss I've seen out of all the kisses The past few weeks That's like a sponsor That we don't get paid for Yeah that kiss was fucking I mean Take your shirt off and kiss him Wait wait let's Everybody No no no don't do that Stop stop stop Red man Can you chill a little bit How much Red Bull Did you have before Tonight's fucking show Hold on Hans what the fuck Is a date on How did you start this date What happened here Where did you guys Fucking meet We met on Instagram Oh god Hans you are such a Fucking pushover Met on Instagram Who met who How did this happen Do you want to tell them No I don't want her To talk right now I'm pretty sure This is all her plans unfolding That's exactly what She wants you to say And she's going to make Some fucking shitty joke If you put that mic In front of her face She invited me to A Jason Mraz concert Just randomly on Instagram Out of nowhere Yeah So she's a fan of the show She saw it once Does she know the show Do you know the show I had a friend show me Yeah so that's a yes Okay Is there another girl In the audience That will come down here While Hans is on a fucking date And show Hans Show this girl What a real kiss Looks like on a Monday night I'm going to wait Until it happens I'm going to fucking wait I know a miracle Will happen here That girl did not think It was going to go that way No Tony Yes Michael The irony The irony Is this what happened I think she wants to come up Yes come on up here Put your This is the greatest show In the world And you are at it right now Yes Look at this Yeah Yes Oh shit dude Oh my god Wow That is absolute Hans' date came to an abrupt end Just now And to the broom closet we go Hey thank you sweetheart You're a legend What's your name How about Amber Alyssa everybody Hans this is taking way too long But I gotta ask you How do you feel I feel amazing Tony should we get the date Back off to see what he feels about this No I don't think so I don't think so Maybe she can go off to a Jason Mraz concert Or something like that Bring a date on your Monday night show Michael what do you think about all this You know I'm in the handicap bathroom Before the show I fucked Hans' thing Hans' what Thing Oh okay Michael fucked Hans' date This is going to be the first podcast That has subtitles on it Ladies and gentlemen For those of you listening Just use the braille app on your iPhone I love it Hans you're a fucking legend What a great way to get the show started Thank you so much Hans Kim ladies and gentlemen And it has begun Wow that was awesome The show's completely improvised If you haven't noticed I didn't know Hans was on the date By the way Hans owes Peng a lot of fucking respect If it wasn't for Peng Well I mean I'm not exactly sure about that I think Hans could have easily Become a regular Even without all that crazy shit happening He's amazing I'll have one more time for Hans Kim Hey Ontario Come on down to BetMGM Casino And see what our newest exclusive The Price is Right Fortune pick Has to offer Don't miss out Play exciting casino games Based on the iconic game show Only at BetMGM Check out how we've reimagined Three of the show's iconic games Like Plinko, Cliffhanger And the Big Wheel Into fun casino game features Don't forget to download The BetMGM Casino app For exclusive access And excitement on The Price is Right Fortune pick Pull up a seat And experience the Price is Right Fortune pick Only available at BetMGM Casino BetMGM and GameSense Remind you to play responsibly 19 plus to wager Ontario only Please play responsibly If you have questions or concerns About your gambling Or someone close to you Please contact Connect Ontario At 1-866-531-2600 To speak to an advisor Free of charge BetMGM operates Pursuant to an operating agreement With iGaming Ontario Let me interrupt your podcast To pitch you on another podcast I'm Wutok One of the hosts Of Above the Influence Show The evolution of the notorious Under the Influence Show And put it simply We are three guys At very different stages of life Navigating self-improvement And sharing it with you In real time In ways that you can laugh at Me, Wutok I'm 30 In a college dropout Juvenile delinquent Turned CEO of Super Bonsai An eight-figure-a-year Supplement brand As well as a social media personality With millions of followers Across platforms I'm BitTrap I'm 26 years old Unemployed influencer Who went viral for his mugshot Back in 2020 And is adapting to regular life From his traumatic hoodlum origins And I'm Ian A 24-year-old real-life Spongebob Who has never done an ounce of trauma In my life So we like to discuss business Dating, religion, substances And trauma If you want relatable content You can learn from Subscribe to Above the Influence Show For free on Spotify Apple Podcasts Or wherever you're listening Thanks for letting me interrupt Now back to the show Alright we're going to the bucket This is where shit gets crazy real quick Because if you're about to watch Someone's dreams Either happen or get crushed Or a mixture of two Your first comedian Out of the bucket 60 seconds Uninterrupted Goes by the name of Jimmy Nelson Everyone Here we go And it has begun Here comes Jimmy Hell yeah Here we go One more time for Jimmy Nelson Everybody Alright So I was hanging out Some 18 year olds recently It wasn't creepy Don't worry But you remember being 18 And feeling like an adult Like you were the smartest guy in the world You hang out with them And you're just gaggle morons Like it's a room full of children Here's a weird fact You can legally sleep with someone Born in 2003 Doesn't that not sound like the right year Like if somebody tells you 2003 Like is this a trap Is this where Chris Hansen wants out Like take a seat Like oh no Not again Fool me once You know But I don't know I kind of want to be the creepy guy That hits on 18 to 20 year olds Specifically 18 to 20 year olds Just when people ask me why I can tell them The best pussy is post 9-11 pussy There was something in the air that day Thank you guys Jimmy Nelson Fuck yeah man Good set Welcome to the show Thank you very much How are you I'm good How long have you been on stand up Five or six years Five or six years Where are you from Here in Austin No I'm from Dallas Okay how long have you been in Austin Today Whoa you just drove down for this I drove down to do this I love it awesome You got pulled right away This is your first time on the show right First time We know nothing about you Tell us something interesting about you I can do 9-11 jokes Because I'm a firefighter And we're allowed to Oh okay That's like how black people Get to say the n-word That's incredible Little known fact I love it Wow you guys have a lot of 9-11 jokes No just that one Got another one This is a knock knock joke I heard this from a homeless man one time Not taking credit for this one It's a knock knock Who's there 9-11 9-11 who I thought you said you'd never forget Oh yeah Wow I didn't deserve that Or anything at all I wanted to hear the sign I bet I bet Yeah that 9-11 joke Came crashing down really hard Incredible So Jeannie That's what you do for work Firefighter Hell yeah How long have you been doing that for Three years Three years And is it true you do it only for the pussy Yes Have you ever saved a The pension's nice too What's that The pension's nice too Okay What's some crazy stuff that you've done Like you ever saved anybody or anything Yeah I had a bunch of fires I saw a dog eat a guy one time Wow you ate him all the way He got started But then the dog also died So we kind of walked into the room How did the dog die I don't know We can get the What's the law and order team out there If you don't know Wait so the dog The man died Was the man already dead Yeah so we get called To the welfare check The neighbor's worried about It's like an old guy that's a hoarder Oh shit So we walk up And when was the last time you saw him And they go About three weeks ago Oh shit It's a while They send firefighters on welfare checks now Yeah we do all like Most of our jobs are medical The only thing an ambulance would go to is us Wow I would not If I woke up and you were the one Taking care of me I'd be like this is it Better tie my loose ends right now This guy's giving me chest compressions I'm dead This fucking guy Through the port What a bro Thank you sir I love it What do you do for fun You're a firefighter You guys just hang around the firehouse And take naps all day and shit right There's a little ping pong that gets played Okay I don't think I'm allowed to say that word anymore What else What else goes on in the firefighter Is that here in Austin No it's up in DFW Dallas-Worth Oh okay Yeah interesting shit Alright What do burnt tits look like Okie dokie Very good He just says things sometimes You don't really have to answer that one Anything else you do for fun You have any special skills or talents You seem like you have I do jujitsu a lot So you know Okay Michael what do you think about this guy Answer for a Rogan podcast I like him I'm really into Y2K pussy as well But to answer a red band question Burnt tits look like s'mores Ah yes I can see how there would be Some marshmallow fluff looking residue there I just wonder if a girl has fake tits Like if it gets too hard Like they burst and they help her Like you know with the water And stuff like that I'm sure there's like a cartoon air Coming out situation I'm sure you'll know what burnt tits look like eventually You put a microwave there on your chest One of these knives or something You son of a bitch Jimmy anything else crazy about your life That we find interesting about you at all You just firefight and fucking do nothing Yeah it's firefighting and doing this Uh huh How about your love boy Is it true what they say about firefighters or whatever For a lot of them yes Not for you Not for me I've been in the same relationship for like four years Wow Oh jeez Louise Live together They're got two dogs All that fun stuff Do you like her? She's alright What does she do? She does sales Oh boy Nice vague job What's your favorite thing about her? Her beautiful personality What's your least favorite thing about her?
Her stupid personality Ah I don't feel like Jimmy Jimmy's old school Jimmy's like a throwback Jimmy's like a guy on Leno in the late 80s Or something like that Theo Vons Uh oh I knew you were going to say that at some point Red Van's definitely just because of the haircut He's going to call you Theo But he's Oh Theo Vons That's a great joke Oh good job You guys don't know it's a grocery store where we're from I know he does jokes that people don't know It's a specific style that Red Van likes to do And then he goes like Hold your doozle it Jimmy Wow You are just a glass of water aren't you? I mean you're just one of the most boring people Normally I can find something interesting in anybody But you are like my fucking arch nemesis right now I'm just getting nothing out of you Alright Jimmy I have a question Okay you have a question? Yeah what does your girlfriend sell besides her pussy? Wow that was just mean for no reason What does she sell though?
What does she sell for a living? Avon? No she works for a bank What? Works for a bank It's a very boring answer Jimmy I'm going to be honest with you I'm going to be honest with you I'm a little bit afraid of you dude You seem like one of those guys He was a firefighter in a mundane relationship Like one of these like stories of a The neighbor said he was a nice guy Murder or something Yeah you're boring as fuck You have no idea Ladies and gentlemen Jimmy Nelson There he goes You met Jimmy Nelson Good comedian Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy You had a great set by the way Don't let your boring ass interview throw you off You came here on a mission And you did a great job Think of shit about your life That might be interesting to talk about though On your drive back to Dallas tonight Be like wow this is the stuff I could have said Yes I'll have a crown royal and coca cola I'll have a hand for the staff here Your next comedian goes by the name of Jason Brennan Let's see what happens here Jason Brennan You guys having fun out there You guys okay How are you two sitting by yourselves This place makes no fucking sense Ladies and gentlemen One more time for Jason Brennan Hey Take that energy It's good to be back in Texas It's good to be back doing stand-up I'd like to take 10 months off Because of the pandemic My last gig beforehand was a Parkinson's convention Which sounds sad But had all the big movers and shakers So I like to think I used to be a stand-up comedian That did stuff with music So I'd like to do something Back and forth with the crowd Who run the world?
Who run the world? Who run the world? Then why don't you pay yourselves equal? I'm trying to date again.
I'm single for a little while. I've been back on the date and apps, met a girl. Talking back and forth, she says that I'm a little tater tot because I'm 5'7 and Irish. I found out she was a female member of QAnon, so I called her my little misinformation.
I would say don't try to pick up girls on Tinder. Pick them up on Fox News. Use that app. It's a far more effective way of finding multiple cunts.
Cheers. There you go. Cheers. Jason Brennan.
Hi, Jason. Welcome to the show. Hey. You know where you're at right now?
Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. How long have you been here? On and off for five years.
On and off for five years. You keep going back to Ireland and back? Yeah, keep getting deported. Keep trying to find a way back in.
So when's the last time you were in Ireland? Two years ago. Okay. August 2019.
So you sort of got lucky with this whole coronavirus thing, huh? Pretty much. I should have been deported like four months ago. Wow.
Yeah, that makes sense. Is there a special... Do you travel by plane or do you just like take the rainbow or whatever the fuck you guys do? Do you just ride it?
Nice. Yeah, no, pretty much like just, you know, pay the hog. Regular airplane, Ryanair. You know Ryanair?
Yeah, you know the cheap shit. I know Ryanair, absolutely. We went on a fucking... Yeah, I peered on one of those.
Yeah, we all did. We were on a real... We did a real European tour out there. You from Dublin?
I'm not. What I have a friend who is on the show in Dublin. Okay, I bet. Yeah, absolutely.
What part of Ireland are you from? I'm about an hour south of Dublin called Carlo. What's that place known for? No, I'm from a thousand people, so it's very, very little.
There's like one or two ropey players. Oh, Sersha Roman, the actress. God, I barely understand a word you're saying. Michael, can you translate for this man?
I have no idea. I'd rather try to figure out Michael. This is what the Irish sound like to American ears. You're in Austin, Texas.
It's really hard to fathom it. I love it. What do you do for working when you're normally in Ireland? What do you do for a living out there?
It sounds like every American who's in an Irish accent I've ever heard. You really need to project your voice, man. One tip I would give you is a very small answer. I don't know if the microphones are a lot louder in the magical land where you come from, but...
What do you do for work there? I'm a cameraman, videographer, trying to be a director. I'll be a director. I hold cameras and film things.
That's right. You try to sound like a goddamn American when you're on my show. You hear me, boy? All right, Jason.
What do you miss about Ireland? I don't think this is very typical Guinness, for sure. Not the weather, although today's pretty similar. No, I miss everything, but I like being away from it, because everything else is better away from it.
What do you love about Austin, Texas? Just a fucking... I realize this is not a funny interview. I'm just answering questions.
I've got the whole crowd there. It's good. Just keep answering the questions. It's good.
The last guy basically didn't answer any of the questions, so I'm just glad to be getting answers at this point. I love it. So, do you know how to dance like an Irishman? Not a whole...
How many of you want to see him dance like an Irishman, everybody? Hell yeah. We knew you had it in you. Look at you.
I'm just a regular old Irishman. I bet you're... But compared to many Irish guys, you're sort of like exotic, right? Yeah, I'm tired.
Yeah, you're like a midget Jason Momoa or something like that. I'll take it. Jason Lesmoa, perhaps we could call you. He's got those Rogan nipples.
They're hard as fuck right now. Oh, is that what that is? I don't know. Those seem like medium...
Well, he's got two nipples. Usually people do. Yeah. Anyway, so how long have you been on stand-up?
Like, I'll say three years. Right, three years. So you started in Ireland. Yeah.
Yeah. What's the difference between Irish comedy and American comedy? I did one gig in Ireland and then moved to America. Okay.
Yeah. So, oh, the big difference is when you start out there, you just start doing eight minutes and you pay to... What's the difference between Irish girls and American girls? American girls have sex with me.
Oh, really? Irish girls don't? Wow. Are you an Irish virgin?
Yes. Really? Yeah. Wow.
One girl was half English, half Irish. She was my first girlfriend and since then... Why do you think Irish girls don't like you? I don't know.
Why does anyone think Irish girls wouldn't... Why does anyone think... We haven't thought of... We haven't had time to think about it.
You've had a whole life to think about it. Try one of your wacky riddles on us, buddy. Why would anyone want to have sex with a guy like me? If you want to...
That's the least interesting thing about your life. I run an Irish podcast. They get, like, drunk out of nowhere. I run a podcast.
I guess... Oh, so I did, like, I'm three years into comedy, but I took six months off to go backpacking. How many is three years? How many is it?
Like, do we have to count the rings in the tree? Or, like, is it... If you don't eat the tree, you won't know exactly how long I've been doing it. This is, like, five years into America.
You should have heard me, like, five years ago. I bet, man. I should not have heard you five years ago. Well, Jason, I love it.
We got an Irishman on the show. We got a mentally ill firefighter up here earlier. I love it. You get a joke book, my friend.
Hell yeah. There he goes. Jason Brennan, everybody. Jason B.
Comedy. Walking out with a little joke book. Hey. What do you think?
What do you think, Michael? Well, um... That guy, um... Dallas Truen or Cruen, CL?
He wrote with cursive. Dallas, at underscore baked. Dallas Chewin. You have shitty handwriting, Dallas.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dallas, everybody. Here he is. Oh, we know Dallas. He's back.
How are you doing, everybody? How's Vulcan doing tonight? Hell yeah, baby. First things first, if you saw it, last time I was on stage, you know I'm not a lesbian, but you also know I'm named out of the Dallas Cowboys, which does make me a faggot.
Yes, yes it does, yes it does. I actually got called a faggot by a Packers fan. Whose name was the fudge Packers first? He didn't even see a football team.
Yeah, and he was a 22, and he had a husband who was a Saints fan, and they used the NFL as like an aphrodisiac. They were tongue-fucking each other the whole time. Damn near flugging each other, and analytically dissecting the fucking game better than Joe Buck. Fuck Joe Buck.
Ah, man. I know, right? I know, right? I caught my three-year-old nephew eating wasabi peas, sauerkraut, and horseratus.
I think we may have found the next Ted Bundy. I really think we may have found it, and my brother did not like it at all. He did not like it at all. I love him to death, but at the same time I'm like, that's serial killer mode, because three hours later I was babysitting him and all that, and he was going, Uncle Dee Dee, it hurts, and I'm like, yeah, welcome to marriage.
Ah. Dad! Yeah, that's a good closing line. I wrote that today, because I was face-to-face.
It seems fresh-baked, absolutely. Yes, sir, yes, sir. Welcome, Dallas. What's your last name?
Irvin, IRV. My bad, I write like a doctor even though I'm a retard. Right, okay. All right.
Hi, Dallas. Hey, buddy. Hell yeah. Look at you.
You still look like this, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met Dallas a few months ago. We did a show at a place called, what was that place called?
Antons or something? Something like that. Yeah, it was a venue. I believe they sit empty every Monday night.
Anyway, so, I don't know today, and they definitely were not full. Oh, I know. How many is it with him, though? It seems like he can change his hair and everything, but he still has that lesbian look.
Because he wants to. I love him. He wants to look that way, so he can do his wacky lesbian jokes. Don't talk over me, Dallas.
Yes, sir. When there's a man talking, you'll listen, all right? Okay. I know when you're around the ladies, you're the leader.
I know you're the, we can all tell, you're the bull dyke of the group. Definitely, definitely. I can't believe you're named Dallas. The way you look like a lesbian, your name should be East Austin.
I can't believe they named you Dallas. That's over here. Not that many butch lesbians in Dallas. Have you thought about, like, maybe just growing your hair out long?
Maybe that about, but you love the, you have to do this for your lesbian jokes. Am I correct? Tell the truth. Eh, not really.
It's just the fucking face is my face. That's just, when you go to get your haircut, what exactly do you tell your barber and does she look exactly like you? She ain't this pretty. But, uh, shit, dude, I just do, like, essentially what my dad has done the whole time, military cut with his short hair, just because he was, like, a Vietnam veteran.
What does your dad say when he sees your haircut? Oh, no, no, no, I do not know. I don't think, I really don't even think he cares. He's not even cognitive at this point.
He's 76 years old. Wow, you don't talk to your dad? No, I talk to him. He just doesn't listen.
Jeez, you even sound like a lesbian. That's incredible. Tell us something interesting about you that we don't know, Dallas. Oh, well, we don't know.
I mean, last time I told I was a good cook, which is one of these days I'm going to bring over some food for you and I promise you, you're going to love it, bro. Great. That's great. That's great for bringing over a quiche.
Straight for comedy, by the way. Thank you so much. That's what everyone wants to hear about is the food you're going to make me, Dallas. These people are brain damaged tonight.
This is an exciting one. Like, nobody gives a fuck that they got called up here. Anything interesting about your life, Dallas, that we don't know? About the history of your life.
History of my life? Well, I'm adopted. Okay. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Getting more lesbian-y as we go. It's incredible.
What age were you adopted at? The day I was born. My biological mom was a pillhead and cannot tell me who my biological dad is, so I'm like quasi-pastard. Maybe that's why you write like a doctor, because you were supposed to write her fake prescriptions.
Oh. No, no. First time meeting her when I was 20, 11 years ago and stuff, like, she's just like... Out of all the times this amazing sound effect of sadness has happened, that's my favorite, because he thought John was playing it for a second.
I really thought John was playing it. I was like, dude. He did a real turnaround. Like, come on, man.
But no, this was the exact conversation I had with Rhonda and my biological mom. I was just like... Rhonda? Rhonda, yeah.
Very lesbian-ish. How many biological mothers did you have, dude? No, Rhonda. Just the one.
Rhonda's a lesbian. Everything about you is a lesbian-y. Rhonda. Okay.
Go ahead. What did Rhonda tell you? No, this is the exact words she said to me. I was like, hey, who's my dad?
She goes, fuck, I know. Isn't that weird finding out your mom's a slut like that? Were you like, help me, Rhonda? Help me, Rhonda.
No, no. She was the one asking me for help. She's like, you got $40. I was like, what do you need for tires?
I was like, no. Because I already knew. I already got pre-registered with my brothers and stuff. They're like, dude, she's going to ask you for money for pills anyway.
Wow. Jesus Christ, Dallas. I love it. This is more of a heartfelt comedy show tonight.
I know, right? Dallas, what's the most exciting thing about your life right now? What's the most exciting thing? Dude, probably getting a chance to be around such awesome comics here in Austin, Texas.
Getting a chance. Oh, my God. What is happening here tonight? My back is throbbing from having to carry this show.
What is wrong with you people? Just the amazing people. What, are you accepting an Academy Award right now? No, it's really.
Oh, my God. You're so amazing, Tony. How many of you want me to murder this man right now on this stage? I love it.
I love it. Michael, what are your thoughts on this guy? Do you have any big plans before you commit your mass shooting? My compliment.
That was, John. This is getting tricky over here. It's fun. Who's doing the sound effects?
Do you have any plans before your mass shooting? Oh, probably go see Black Widow. Okay. I love it.
What's the craziest? What is the craziest crime you've ever committed? What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? I shot a cop car when I was 18.
How did you do that? They were arresting someone. They left it open somehow because Louisiana cops, right? What part of Louisiana are you from?
Northwest Streetport, Louisiana. Okay. All right. Jesus Christ.
One of the flies from Louisiana followed you out here. Just hit me in the face. I'm sorry, man. Sorry about that.
That's fucking wild. So you got in the cop car and you just pooped in? No, we didn't get in the cop car. I just, like, they had the door open.
They were dealing with something like a half a block up. Stupidly left it open. I was drunk and then just shat in it. Jesus Christ.
All right. Dallas Ervin, thanks so much for coming back on. Thank you so much for having me. Dallas Ervin, everybody.
Jiminy Crickets. Let me do something special. One of our regulars is here, ladies and gentlemen. You know this guy is a joke-writing phenom as one of the great roasters of America.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is David Lucas. Yeah, what's up? I can tell I'm getting successful because I find white women attractive. But, like, if I get a white girl, like, I want to date a real white girl.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to date no white bitch that work at TSA. It's like she got an ankle tattoo and her name is Angel. You know what I mean?
Like, I want to date, like, a Taylor Swift white girl. Like, I want my white girl to be so white that she hide our relationship until she's eight months pregnant. But I still don't know how to approach white women. Like, I'm still scared of y'all.
Like, what do I do? Leave, like, a trail of king water in my dick? And it's so hard, you know, like, discipline a white woman the way you want to because, like, as soon as you put your hands around her neck, you turn red. It's like, I can't even poke you in the forehead.
You turn purple. Like, bitch, I'm going to jail. All right, thank y'all. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.
One of our four regulars on the show. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome back.
I'm so glad you're back in town. How are you? I'm good, man. You know what I'm saying?