Damaged

Back in 2003 two things happened that changed the course of my life... First, I met the man that I would eventually marry and spend the rest of my life with. And second, I lost confidence in myself as a singer. Music has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember and sometimes we have a falling out. I recently discovered that what drives me in life is my need to be heard and my voice is the vehicle. In 1997, I landed a very well-paid job at a marketing firm, and for the two years that I worked at that company, I put my music on the back burner. Prior to that I had put so much time and energy into the pursuit, and music was always letting me down. I rehearsed endlessly. I sent demos everywhere. I went to music conferences. It was just countless investment with no return. So, I surrendered to the real world and to making money. Those two years were like a slow death. My boss was demanding beyond reason, and the job was stressful. Soon I was plagued with migraine headaches and weight loss. I was literally shrinking under the pressure. It turns out, I needed my love affair with music, and the chase was part of the allure. I needed to get back to it. So I did. In 1999 I made my escape into a full-time contract with Disney working as a production singer on one of their cruise ships. I was singing and getting paid for it. Finally, music and I were in a reciprocal relationship. I breezed through my Disney contract and after a few years working on dry land, I started working for Royal Caribbean in 2003. I was hired into the coveted ‘Girl 1’ position and I arrived at rehearsals confident and ready to take on the challenge of learning three new shows. I found myself surrounded by some incredible talent, many of whom had worked on Broadway or in touring companies, and I started to feel completely out of my depth. I was hired for Disney mainly to sing The Circle of Life, for which my Gospel roots served me well. That was really the only song I was featured in, the rest of the time I was just part of the production cast. At Royal, I was the featured girl singer, and the shows were musical-theatre based. I was sitting in rehearsals listening to my fellow singers and thinking, 'I can’t sing like that! I’m not good enough to be a featured singer.' I did audition for this role, mind you, and the show producers obviously thought I was good enough to be given the role, but I couldn’t see it. Once the poison of doubt got in my mind, there was no stopping its effects, and it began to chip away at my confidence and lead to a very rough contract. I went from singing with heart and passion, to being completely self-conscience about every performance. I couldn’t get out of my head, and now I was letting music down. I stopped being able to let it freely flow through me. Something got damaged back in 2003, and to this day, I am still struggling with not feeling good enough. I left Royal after two contracts and went on to work for Celebrity Cruise Line for three contracts, with the last contract finishing in 2007. I moved to Milwaukee and formed my own Jazz quartet and we performed all over the city. In 2009, I release my debut CD, and that same year moved to the UK. The 10 years I’ve lived in the UK I have been consistently working as a pro singer, but I have never fully regained the confidence I had before that Royal contract. In 2018, I got serious about finding my voice. But I think it runs deeper than just finding my voice. I think it’s more about freeing my voice. I’ve been singing for a living since 2003, so my voice is working. But I haven’t always enjoyed singing. I have had many magical moments over the years, glimpses of the singer I used to be, but the joy of singing has been fleeting. (more)