KILL TONY #191

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at the Desquad Podcast Network. You can check out our website, Desquad.tv. There you have all the different stuff we do. And we also have video portions to all the shows, so if you like Kill Tony and want to watch it on video, click on videos at Desquad.tv.

Also, click on tour dates if you want to see where we're at next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Every first and third Friday, we have the Secret Show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. And every first Wednesday of the month, we have the huge giant Secret Show in the main room of the Comedy Store.

That one's huge. The next one's February 1st. So that's always a lot of fun, so check that out. Also, me and Tony are going to be at the 16th Annual 2017 San Francisco Sketch Fest.

That's this Saturday. I believe our show's around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. You can sign up if you want to sign up 15 minutes before the show. We're going to be there.

You can get tickets. Go to sfsketchfest.com. Again, it's sfsketchfest.com to get your tickets. Oh my goodness.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the number one. The number one live podcast in the world. Make some more noise, everybody. Make some more noise.

How exciting. Ryan Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys, what's up? House artist Ryan J.

Ebelt just started drawing tonight's episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him. At the end of the episode, you're going to see the feature of tonight's episode. This is the Kill Tony poster.

That's available at RyanJEbelt.com. Jamie Vernon. He's not here. He's not here tonight.

Oh, he's lost at CES. So welcome to the show, everybody. Hey, you're at Kill Tony. And guess where else Kill Tony's going to be?

At the San Francisco Sketch Fest, January 21st. Yeah. So San Francisco, if you're listening to this podcast, or you live near San Francisco, maybe my friends in Stockton can make the drive. What, what?

And San Francisco. That's a really big deal. It's a 3 p.m. show, believe it or not.

Yeah, that's cool. 3 p.m. show. So if you're in the 3 p.m.

comedy shows in San Francisco, that's our disappointing time slot at Sketch Fest. Do we just have to stay awake the whole night the night before? No, no, we're flying in that day. None of that malarkey.

You guys ready to start tonight's show, or what? I'm excited. I'm pumped. Let's just bring up the guests first, and then we'll bring up the band.

Two of my favorite comedians in the world, two of my funniest peers. You know them from so many great, great things, so many different, amazing credits. Be excited, and make it loud. For the great Mike Lawrence and Big Jay Okerson.

Holy shit, holy shit. Here they are. Welcome, guys. Oh, man, this is fun.

I came to chew bubblegum and watch shitty comics, and I'm all out of bubblegum. That's right. We have a bucket full of shitty comics. What is that?

What is that? Why don't you just say maybe they're going to be really great comics tonight? Some of them are. And that's our dynamic for tonight, guys.

We're both sitting on different sides of your shoulder. Yeah, I want these people to be fantastic, and then sort of hope they're terrible. It's always a great mishmash. We never know what's going to happen.

We've had a lot of fun lately. I'm excited to get into it. But before we do, what do you say we bring up everybody's favorite band? Out of all the late night shows and podcasts, out of everything, it's been voted that this is the number one band.

Put your hands together for them. You love them. You know them. It's Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez.

They have a new introduction every week. I never know what they're going to do. I don't know what this one is. Oh, this seems like another West Road.

Oh. Here they are. A bottle of Mountain Valley Spring Water. The Latino one just looks like how Trump sees all Mexicans.

I wonder how long this intro was supposed to... Oh, there it goes. All right. Here they are.

Reagan, Watkins, Joel Jimenez. Paying homage to Westworld. It's a Westworld theme, yeah. They're about to take us to Brokak Mountain.

Mike Lawrence never looks like he's talked to a woman in his life. And yet I'm happily married. Yeah, he wouldn't survive in our time. They stay in full character during this Westworld thing.

He did it last time. I actually ended up falling in love with the Western character, Jeremiah. See how it goes tonight. How are you feeling tonight?

Doing pretty good. Just found out I'm wearing a family heirloom right now. I like that they had ripped jeans in the Wild Wild West. Yeah.

I reckon that Cowboys wearing Vans. Actually, I picked up these... This work floor isn't big enough for the both of us. Oh.

Of course it's true. Well, these two son of a bitches are faster than I reckon. They are lightning quick. So let's just jump right into this fun fucking show because I'm excited about the guests, the band.

Everybody's back from the fucking holidays. Are you guys ready to have a crazy fucking Monday night or what? Just before that. I know you're getting real sad, but we do have a special guest.

You do? Yeah, we do. All right. Well, go right ahead.

This guy right back here. His name's Jacob. And he's our trombonist for the night sitting in. You have a trombonist?

We have a trombonist. Stand up. Play with something. It would not be classic old West if we didn't have a trombone.

And apparently he doesn't know how to play because he just wanted to wait. Can you give us a little sample of what your tromboning is going to sound like? All right. Well, there you go.

We have a little bike horn in there. Yeah. We have a trombonist for the night. I'm excited to see how this goes, obviously.

There's raining pussy juice in here right now. Obviously, you guys only had three normal cowboy hats to share amongst yourselves. This will be podcast listeners. You got to talk with a stripper.

Let's see if he took that from a Texas bachelorette party. Yeah. No, this guy, he's just a little Latin loavers, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, shit.

All right. So I have a bucket. I have a bucket. One more thing.

We have a xylophone player. All right. I'll continue. Thank you.

Thank you, boss. I have a bucket full of fucking people that signed up to do a minute on this live show. They can do 60 seconds of anything that they want. Sometimes it's a comedian who's been doing it a while.

Sometimes it's somebody's first night. Sometimes it's a genius. Sometimes it's the worst thing you've ever seen. Either way, we get to talk to them afterwards about anything in the world.

You get 60 seconds. If you signed up, you know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then or I'll show you how to bring out the angry best Hollywood bear. There you go.

There he is. There it was. All right. You guys ready to start the show or what?

You can do a little bit better than that. Are you ready for this? It's Kill Tony. Episode fucking 190 something.

Live in the attic of the Comedy Store. First name I pulled out tonight doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is Anthony Grabert. Thank you. I'm great.

Hey, look. I like to get fucked up, man. Whenever I like drinking or nothing, I like to find new ways to do it. Like I'm ready to get high by huffing a can of Ready Whip.

I don't know if I'm doing it right because I've gained like 47 pounds. That's kind of a pretty bad bout of erectile dysfunction, too. Every time I'm pretty bad bout. I'd lay down with a lady, you know, nothing would work.

I'd take these pills and they wouldn't help. But then last week I went to the doctor and it turns out I'm just really gay. So I've been dabbling in homosexuality now. That's what my doctor says.

It's a little dabble, do you? And I've been meeting people on Grindr and OkCupid and things like that. It's great. You can meet all these gay people online.

Because before the internet, you can only meet gay people in hell. I'll do an impression real quick. That's my impression of a gospel singer. Oh, shit.

You can go ahead. A gospel singer lost her face. It goes like that. It's like, oh, I believed in you.

Oh, I believed in you until my kid died. Hello. Anthony Grappert, ladies and gentlemen. Well, thanks for answering the question, what if me and Big J combined into one person?

It's the mashup. Hey, Tony, I just saw this film, The Revenant. And yeah, a moving picture. Can you believe it or not?

And this guy, to me, looks like if Leonardo DiCaprio got eaten by the bear, then he ate his way out of the bear. Yeah, I think he looks like T.J. Filler. I think he's shaped like a...

Oh, that's pretty good, Brian. This show's a lot of fun. I love this. This is great.

Are you actually doing gay stuff now? Is that just jokes? It's jokes. Oh.

Are you getting any pussy? You think a gay guy would fucking... Oh, there you guys would fucking him. I'm not gay at all.

I'll give this guy a nail polish. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah.

Anthony, how long have you been on stand-up? I do an half years. That's awesome. I'll hear in LA.

No, I live in San Diego. San Diego. How long have you been doing homophobia? Great.

Was raised with it, you know? If you do that at a club somewhere and a gay guy hits on you afterwards, would you think about doing it so he doesn't blow up your spot? I'm pretty good at, like... Like, hey, that's great, man.

Thank you. Like, being like, you know, I'm a comedian. If a guy presents you as dick, you say, pretty good, man, thank you. No thank you?

Is that what you said? No gay guy is into big Lebowski cosplay. All right. Can I just be fucking...

I'm just telling you. He's got his whole own keyword search on his porn sites, man. This is the biggest Lebowski. Anthony, you do have an interesting shape to you, though.

What is it? It's like a garbage bag full of teardrops. What's your favorite food? That might be the saddest damn thing I've ever heard in my life.

You just called his name a sack of garbage filled with human tears. I think we need to think about that for a moment. They don't have it like that in the old Wild West. What do you do for work, Anthony?

Oh, I'm unemployed. And what, you're wearing fur-lined hoodies, bro? That's ghetto. Thank you.

Ghetto fat. What did you do before you were unemployed? I worked on the video game tester. Oh, that sounds like an awesome job.

You have a great build for that. You are the default setting for video game tester. Create a character. Version one.

What do you like to do for fun? Any special things that you do other than stand-up? I pretty much just do stand-up and watch documentaries and read. Any favorite documentaries lately?

I watched this one called Kate Place Christon. It's about the lady who was on the news and killed herself. How many times did you masturbate during that? Well, I can only get like one out.

All right, got too real there. That might be diabetes. Breaking news. You can only get one out during the documentary.

Change that to a garbage bag full of gum. Or like a Ziploc bag. You only came once. What's a Ziploc?

Where are your favorite places to perform? I pretty much go off at the Madhouse in the Comedy Store in San Diego. Oh, yeah, San Diego. You do look like everyone who owns an Eagle t-shirt.

Thank you. If me and you did have gay sex one night and had to leave shamefully in the morning, there's a good chance we could accidentally grab the wrong clothes. If you guys fucked, the most important question would be which Slipknot song would be. The first side of Volume 3.

Is that the type of music that you're into, Anthony? No. What do you like to listen to? I mostly listen to like hip-hop and stuff like that.

Any favorite rappers right now? No. Wow. Anthony, you're really shutting down on me here.

I listen to hip-hop. I have nothing. I don't know what to say. I feel like everything I say, you guys twist it around and make fun of me.

Wow. Naming hip-hop people? No, he wants to fuck you. Yeah, I'm laying out there, bro.

It'd be great if we'd be pretty close. I've always wanted to dress like I was time-traveling in the 90s. Hell yeah. Oh, shit.

Anthony's firing off missiles here. I have no problem with that. It's the Wild West here tonight. All right, Anthony.

Well, you seem super uncomfortable, so I'm going to let you go. Thank you. There he goes. Anthony Grappert at Elfin Forrest.

He said something very important there. Yes, we are. One of the things that we do is try to twist around the things that are happening to make them funnier. If I Paddington Bear, if he was a liberal arts major.

You guys just twist everything that I say and try to make something funny out of it. What are you guys trying to make this comedy show into? A comedy show? Motherfuckers.

I figured out what's going on up there. I just wanted to talk about gays being in hell, get an applause break, and leave. I thought he was so brave at first. Hang on, a black woman was attacking you for saying gays in hell.

She didn't get the context. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I feel like we've seen this person before. Put your hands together for Jarell Ben-Astray.

Jarell? I just quit my job at Target. I was getting bullied by an autistic kid. Actually, he was a 40-year-old autistic dude.

And they always put him on a pedestal, right? Because he stocks like a thousand freaking items in like 30 minutes. But fuck him, he's autistic. Of course he can.

He's always in his head. One time he was in the break room, and he called me a sweaty burrito. I was like, what the fuck? Everyone was laughing.

And I called him an Asperger. I get sent to HR. Fuck that. I got out of a relationship, and I thought this girl was the one.

So she bought me an Xbox one. I should have known better. PS4. Now I'm dating a cop.

It's pretty awesome. When we have sex, she puts a gun in my mouth. I didn't know I was into that, but it's pretty awesome. That's all I wanted to work on.

There you go. Jor-El Ben-Azre. Do you always talk that fast, Jor-El? No, I ran here, and I was excited.

Yeah, you were talking really fast. There's the man right there. Just to show you exactly how fast you were talking. Tony, can I just say this guy gives me the heel of the jibis?

Well, Wild West time-transport guy. I feel bad about that. You've probably never seen a set of wireless headphones before, or headphones for that matter. No, or his kind off the railroads.

Very good. I got the character now. Unbelievably. All right, Jor-El, let's talk about it.

So let's say that you probably do a lot of open mics, right? No, not lately. How long have you been on stand-up? March of last year.

March of last year. So you say you haven't been doing mics lately. Yeah, not lately. Why is that?

DJing. No, like this whole summer was an adventure, and so was it Christmas, and I'm dating a cop now, so it's like... It was an adventure. You're really dating a cop?

Like a real cop. She's a real cop. Like not a security guard. What was the adventure?

Were you leading Indiana Jones in a mineshaft? Okie-dokie. Okie-dokie, Gakka Jones. Okie-dokie.

Jor-El, how did you meet this cop? I dated her while we were in high school, and now she's a cop. And now you're dating her again. That's pretty hot.

Wow. So you guys hook back up. How is that? You're just brown enough for her not to want to shoot you.

She really put the gun in your mouth or is that just for the joke? No, that's fine. Wow. That's fucked up.

What did she say when she put the gun in your mouth? Make a mess. so great oh my god it's a magical gif Jor-El what did she say shut the fuck up wow why are you dressed like you're about to meet the rest of your dance crew are you one of the Jabberwockies what is your ethnicity Filipino go easy on that R my words Jabberwockies hey hey don't be racist we're just talking to this surf ninja now Jor-El you really work at Target I quit you quit yeah wow you have a sugar mama now so you don't really need to work at Target how do you afford beats headphones on a Target salary no no I work at Amazon now what do you do at Amazon other than swing from the vine I like that you already said he's from the Philippines you're like I'm still going to make a South America reference totally it still makes sense I'll juggle people I basically pick items from the tote and send them off it's compartmentalized so we don't really see what the whole process is so that's where you got the headphones from she's not headphones any other fun things that you do with your cop she cuff you up or anything like that why don't you tell me instead of having me ask what else do you guys do you ever put the gun in her mouth no no usually I wake up like that like wake up what really wow are you sure you're not staking your arresting officer for your girlfriend I wake up in this prison cell you wake up handcuffed yeah are you staying at her place a lot that's the whole thing right so you're like you're going there tonight oh yeah so she just expects you to come in there just fucking lay the wood and then does she wear a strap on not yet not yet get them on Amazon are you open for that I know that for sure I mean more importantly why do you think the PS4 is a better system than Xbox One I mean that's what we're all thinking right I mean Xbox One I agree do you really prefer that over PS4 Mike I'm just curious I think it's a better system okay see your girlfriend is Kathy Bates and then she comes in the room and she goes ah good morning my Amazon Prime and then what what does she uncuff you no the custom go off until she's finished we want a background check how do you think this is you're going to adopt a matter of this just so you can keep making fun oh hell yeah this kid's great he's half Filipino half Molly let me ask you an honest question Jarell how much do you like her like do you think it's going to last and if so how do you see this ending or if not oh I see it I see it lasting forever man you really like her well until Krypton is destroyed and Jarell yeah your parents did name you Jarell what's up with that I don't really talk to them your dad's Marlon Brando I don't really talk to them so much why is that I don't know they hate cops she's fucking a cop disrespect to the family I can't wait to see you I can't wait to see him like a policeman's ball with an eyebrow piercing and bluetooth headphones around his neck fuck yeah Jarell well good luck with everything congratulations figure out some punchlines slow down 100% listen to yourself because you were going so fast it made us all uncomfortable oh I'm so sorry and don't chew gum on stage like seriously yeah yeah would you chew gum and wear like headphones at work because you're at work would you do that at Amazon I like that you have like really expensive headphones but like a digital watch from 1997 yeah I was going to say before you think Filipino is the least Asian of all Asians calculator watch there you go Jarell Benostra you've been on the show before right yeah what happened last time you still worked at Target back then yeah I did you were on you were on last time well there you go he was on again Jarell Benostra everybody there you go good job Jarell Jarell underscore Benostra we're plowing through it we're plowing through it meeting people how's the new trombonist doing over there really Jeremiah you may have found the shyest trombonist of all time I didn't even know you're still here alright let's keep the fun fest moving along how about Eric Morrell this place is packed tonight so these guys are stacked way in the back is he coming any movement back there from a guy named Eric alright then we'll go back to the bucket he just fucked his whole life up you know this young lady at one point she was a regular on this show now she signs up for the bucket Kill Tony legend Melissa Esslinger everybody I choked on a lifesaver once which was fortunate I just had a hole in it just like choked and then I was speaking of choking on a lifesaver I flunked out of therapy today I didn't know you could do that I wanted to tell her about my issues with paranoia but I was too scared to talk about it so I started talking about my mommy issues and she just looked at me and was like are you done? are you done?

now I am she started arguing with me about my mommy issues and I was like what is this a reenactment? I don't know what's going on she tried to use her authority over me she was like I'm the therapist I'm the professional I've been doing this for 14 years I was like well I've been in therapy I've been doing it for 7 years I'm the professional and I was like well I've been in therapy for 14 years so I think we're about even that was awesome Melissa Hesslinger still have some of those off fucks in there that nobody would notice if you didn't mention it you're the only person that tells us that you've gone off course if you just didn't say that and just plowed forward Tony does that make sense? yeah that gave me fucking anxiety I've never seen somebody fuck with the microphone stand so much in my life left and caged about it was you shaking like a leaf you're funny holy shit it's sort of like her persona is literally the most nervous neurotic human being that any of us have ever met so much so that she was a regular for a while and it just simply wasn't working out for anybody she was just definitely nervous every week and just wasn't changing a few months of the break but that's just who she is she did well tonight Tony oh yeah that life shaper thing is hilarious you could go farther in that like you start asking for help and it's like he helped and then you're like oh never mind you know the whole noise thing that's hilarious like adding more to that would be funny the only thing about the all fucks and stuff is that that's when we know that the stuff's written and the point of like stand up is to create that illusion that you're just coming up with it in the moment that wasn't funny I know are you okay? yeah no I've actually gotten a lot better about not shaking on stage but it's like it was conditioned like in real life like when you do go to therapy can you tell that is it true that like does your therapist sometimes seem annoyed like she seems a little overwhelmed like other times when you really feel like you're like different than a normal case this was like a first we don't get along so we only saw each other a few times it was not going well she ended up slamming the door when I left last time yeah that's pretty much exactly what I just asked that's the only thing about that she turned on you?

yeah she was like using her authority over me and stuff and I've been to therapy and I knew she was crossing a line and she stomped out and slammed the door well it's great that you're channeling all this and talking about this real life check underneath the door a bill I would not send anybody to her I've never said this to anyone ever you should probably try heroin you should really try to mellow yourself out just snort it don't boot it that's fucking TV junkie shit just snort a little if the horse says that it's true then it must be true that's a fun fact about the show ride a snake how else has light been going? pretty good I would say have the nervousness and the tics be a part of the act it's not something you can control it can be something that you own and that's just a part of who you are and just play it up and embrace it if you feel uncomfortable be the most uncomfortable you can be I mean look I am proof that ugly people can succeed so just fucking be the weirdest you you know he's absolutely right like for example instead of saying off fuck like you could say off fuck and have something like I lose my write jokes about losing your place or about getting confused or whatever the fuck he's saying like own it you can create an entire just like he was saying about how it's supposed to seem like an illusion if you have jokes about losing your place or jokes about how you just fuck that up things to go to that you know will work in that moment then it still seems completely fun yeah like maybe take on a catchphrase like whenever you feel I've seen her have it's always fun to see people after a few months I thought her hand was shaking so I thought it was going to like teleport somewhere if she was to masturbate she should just grab her pussy and start telling jokes in the mirror what's crazy is that that is a huge improvement so there she goes Melissa Esslinger I pulled another name out of the party this should be interesting this is a shady ass name so we'll see what happens here put your hands together for Mystery Dan thank you thank you just going to your minute here I am so god damn sick and tired of all these fucking fake news stories started with that one about Trump winning the election I'm watching Fox News and they say he won well I'm thinking Fox News fake news that's what they do well next day I turn on the TV and it's like this thing has gone viral every network has picked it up and I mean it's just crazy and it's like they were so accurate like MSNBC was just acting so bitchy and whiny just like you'd expect you know they're so convincing and it's like every other day they come out with a new one with some crazy half ass appointment he supposedly made to the Trump administration I love the one where Melania's not going to move into the White House because she's too busy mystery Dan holy shit thank you thank you wow can I tell you something mystery Dan first off I fucking love you thank you thank you holy shit are you here to take the Westworld guys back in the future dude I love you have a founding father haircut it's the fucking it is incredible has anybody here ever seen Phantasm can you guys get it wow I love that thank you for leaving your pet rabbit home I like that someone could look even rapier in a Cosby sweater I fucking love you it's so true you feel like you should just scream science and then leave I'm glad you can be here and take time for being a piano teacher who fucks with students each one of his fingers smells like a different different grain one of them is most certainly Carolean God is in his only family no but I want to hear it so bad you just recited lines from it I did yes mystery Dan you are the coolest motherfucker ever welcome to the show thank you this is your first time on craft I don't know why they fired you from conducting the orchestra I thought you were doing a phenomenal job and I started hiring a bunch of different people to play you in the KFC commercials you look like you invented the word sheeple I would have liked to I really would have we're glad you're here with us mystery Dan thank you so much for having me and not out opening the door at every haunted house in the show look at the fucking face I'm saying wow Ichabod you better watch your ass we might have the greatest guest of all time this is going to be nominated for a I call you a baby uncle but I can't imagine any family acknowledging your existence well that's why I went with mystery Dan it was at my family's request what's your actual name Scullin Dan Scullin it'd be good it was like Jeff Scullin mystery Dan it's just a mind fuck you there is no Dan my mother went back to her maiden name just to be safe you stayed in the pocket there I would love to see you if you were the guy on the political channels I would watch the dog shit out of that what is this fake news like your approach I could watch you for hours your career is right on track pants so how long have you been on stand up about three months now about three months I love that you just started doing what made you want to start trying it out something you've always wanted to do well no well I was going at other things ever since everybody started telling you that you remind them of George Carlin's corpse you're like maybe I should do this stand up maybe I should get off the Quaker Oats box and fucking get my life together so what have you been doing your whole life a lawyer by trade a lawyer what kind of lawyer other than shady as fuck by the way defending yourself on your own murder trial doesn't make you a lawyer oh fuck I can't believe you're real you literally walk in and then the other guy just goes it's a defense rest I was just trying to pet her where can I put my child copy outside I love it you look like you're having the time of your life Dan so you've been a lawyer you've ever been married nope what's the life been like somewhat solitary yeah I was a very closeted gay guy very late bloomer right turn awesome I don't know if you're in a bar but the first guy on the show is looking for some dick and it looks like you're the person that can get him back to the 90s when you're DeLorean it's all making sense now I should have known you were deep in the closet that's the only way to get a sweater like that let's face it that is the very last sweater that you're just like I'll keep it I think it was my grandpa's or something you're the ghost of confused sexuality the ghost of Christmas ass something like that right so that's fine where were you all located Mr. Light the closet that he lived in I'm from Hubbard, Ohio wow from Youngstown, Ohio that's a direct supper well yes I was born actually in Youngstown wow at St. Elizabeth's Hospital yes same hospital my friend how about that same hospital two hilarious gay closeted homosexuals very very funny men you wish you had the confidence that he does Mr.

Dan it's my gift to you I will pay for you to have a session with one of our three western fuckway bots from Westworld take your pick somebody's oh yeah oh the other one the other one Yeah! Come on up, come on up, chumbo. Can you play that song again? Can you play that on the chumbo?

Jeremiah, you can play while you have the fucking guitar fella. He makes the finger work. It's like if Mark Twain was illiterate. I feel like he'd fuck you differently, Jeremiah.

I feel like he'd be the first sex session where the top comes out from under the bed. When did you come out? Ghost Joe. About 44.

Okay. I think 44? Right here. Darn a bit in.

Never again. He's like, that was the day I realized I was gay and threw out all of my combs. Maybe if I rephrase it. Maybe it's not only were you in the closet, you were also under my bed when I was a kid.

There it is. Here's the sad thing. He was born gay, but all of this was a choice. What kind of gay guy pushes other gay guys away?

What do you call that? An unbearable? Unbearable? I'm just going to spitball in here.

I'm going to go to the writer's room. You call yourselves back to mediocrity. What can I do, Jensie, Mr. Dan?

I like the young Twinkish types. Alright, well that's all of our time. Whoa! Wow!

Westworld's going to let you in the Southworld. Look at that. Yeah. He loves Filipinos that have beats by Dre headphones.

This was not Anthony Hopkins' vision. I want to believe that you were Melissa's therapist. This would explain a lot, wouldn't it? I got my own promise.

Thank you, man. I got my own promise, you shaky bitch. It looks like Charlie after the chocolate factory closed down. So, Dan.

You lived in Ohio. How long have you been in LA? 22 years. 22 years.

And you went straight to West Hollywood and that's when you came out? Oh, no. Well, I discovered West Hollywood after about a year and then I finally didn't get around to tell my family. How did you discover it?

What was that moment like when you found out that there was a city full of people butt-fucking? It was so... It was mind-blowing. I could not...

I used to dream of such a place in my youth. Right. In Ohio, they have no such place. You know, they don't have no such place.

I think the term is big-blowing. Especially in Ohio. Yeah. So...

I can't change, even if I try. Can you always rock that hairdo and like that... Oh, no. This is just for the act.

Really? What do you normally do with all that? Well, I mean, I'm normally clean-shaven. You're one of those lawyers with like a ponytail or something?

No. Hey, Tony. No, I haven't worked in a couple years. You've been doing comedy for three months and you grew your hair for your act.

That is a fucking commitment, Mystery Dan. I love it. I appreciate that. I love it.

Hey, Tony. Yeah. How long has he been on the dollar bill? Oh, man.

So, Dan, how's that... When was the last time you had a new one? Sorry, that was to me. You all love Mystery Dan now.

Well, so what else have you been to? Any other hobbies or special skills or talents? I recently completed an art project that I've been working on for 10 years. What's that?

10 years? Yes. It's basically a decoration of my apartment, but it's one cohesive artwork. Yes.

New pictures. New Polaroids. I just feel like there's just a bunch of dead boys somewhere. The art project is newspaper clippings of his own work that he hasn't gotten caught for yet.

It's called Evidence. One body found slaves. It's a wingsuit man in the skin of Teen Runaways. As if we couldn't do it anymore.

Too real. That's too real. You look like you live in a refrigerator where you keep the bodies. Jesus, Pat.

But in a refrigerator, it's a magical world. You can be whoever you want to be in West Hollywood world. There you go. I just want to quickly say that I do fucking love you because comedy is full of so many young, bitter, entitled dumb fucks with backpacks that quote podcasts.

And here's a guy who genuinely fucking does this for the love of it and has enjoyment. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm telling you right now, Mystery Dan, you can come here anytime you want.

You're instantly one of my favorite guests and favorite human beings. Hell yeah. What a big spirit. Thank you.

I really appreciate it. Come back anytime. There he goes. First time ever.

How about that? Mystery Dan, ladies and gentlemen. The mystery is out. It's no longer a fucking mystery.

Because you just found him. With us on Kill Tony. He waited for his parents to die to follow his dreams. There we go.

Alive and well. Shout out to mom. Mystery Edna. Hopefully she listens to this episode so she can hear that shout out.

Alright, we've seen this guy before as well. Notorious for, well I guess we'll talk about it after his set. Put your hands together for Zack Stein. We're definitely going to see his set right now.

We're going to watch his set together. Thank you. You guys might notice there's a spot on my pants. I just don't think it's pee dribble or anything like that.

It's just pre-come. I suffer from depression. And doing Santa and making people laugh is one of the only things that makes me happy. I don't know.

I'm not trying to guilt you guys into laughing at my next joke or anything. Just think if you don't laugh, who knows what I might do. It's very dark. Hopefully no one here has killed themselves.

I won't talk about it again. You guys know how sometimes people kill themselves? And when they do that, people always say the same thing like, oh that was cowardly. They took the coward's way out.

And I agree with that because I suffer from depression. Sometimes I get down. I take a gun and blow my brains out. But I'm just too fucking brave.

There it is, Zach Stein with a new minute. Zach you are a popular figure on this show. You've been on a couple times. And both times the story and your reputation a lot at the Comedy Store since then.

What people recognize you as like, hey there's the guy that like when we see you around and stuff. You're notoriously the guy that has a monster cock that you can always see through your pants while you're performing. Now tonight I noticed that you did something really special. You made an opening joke that makes people look at the crotch.

Which before we just noticed it regularly. It was a very blatant thing. Because a lot of people say that he fills it up with stuff. A lot of people, yeah.

Give him a little lean so the big Jake can see. Oh yeah, is that the mushroom right there? That's the head right? That's a solid dangle.

It's just like Mystery Dan has his own thing. I feel like that's the nickname for him. Mystery Dan's own thing? Mystery Dan.

Would you like to meet my friend Mystery Dan? So what's the story with that dick? What's it been up to lately, Zach? How big is it?

Like seven inches. He's got good girt though. It's not crazy, that's good though. But he's got like fish tank girt or something like that.

Or maybe it's just like he has gigantic balls perhaps or something, right? Yeah, I got good balls. For those of you listening to the podcast, it looks like he basically has a baseball glove in his pants. Like there's no real explaining.

There's different, it's hatchy. There's different areas that are a little bit bigger than others. You think you know right where the dick is, but then you know where the dick is last. You're not helping your whole I'm not really gay thing by focusing on his dick.

I know he told a minute of jokes. It's a lot of bush too. Oh, there you go. You got heavy bush?

You got heavy bush? I trimmed it a little recently, but I'm like four years before then with just leaving it. It also looks like you're saving receipts for tax purposes. Alright, Zach, so what do you get for?

I manage a hair salon in Santa Monica. Just when you tick on people's shoulders all day? Yeah. You could be like the first nebbishy porn star.

Like, I want to fuck you hard if that's okay. Pardon my bush. So you've been on stand-up for how long? About five and a half years.

Five and a half years. Do you always wear a suit? A blazer and pants, yeah, something like that. The luck rushes down to the dick.

You look like you've never said mom and have only said mother all your life. But she died years ago. No, mother, I like her! I don't want to hurt her!

But you made sure that you got her silverware or something weird like that. Parents still alive? Oh yeah. They are.

But they do. Professionally disappointed. Is your dad rocking a piece? Um, like when I was a kid I looked pretty fucking big.

I don't know now. You know, everyone makes their dad's cocky. They all look big when you're a kid. All of them.

I know. I haven't touched father's members since I was a weebolo. You know underwear? No, I'm wearing underwear.

That's the underwear? Yeah, yeah. That's a strong mushroom cap, bro. That's strong.

I'll give credit where credit's due. Your dick has all the confidence and the rest of you doesn't. Can you fuck some of that confidence into shaky balls over there? If you guys fuck with her, you might vibrate into a different plane of existence.

When you're working at the salon, you're ever cutting somebody's hair and you notice that your dick has grabbed the scissors and you're like, hey, put those down! Like that? Oh yeah, once or twice. Okay, cool.

Looks like a rattlesnake attached to it. Looks like a rattlesnake. Very good, Jeremiah. Looks like a rattlesnake attached to it.

So Zach, what's going on in life? Anything fun? Yeah, what's the latest in your dick? You pointed out in the past that I've been super fucked up on the show and I stopped doing that.

Really? You're not fucked up at all right now? Nah, nah. Wow, look at that.

There you go. And what happened? We can clearly tell that ever since you stopped drinking you started going through puberty. Happened late.

I'm excited about that. What else, Zach? What have you been doing to fill the place of all the booze and drugs that you're on regularly on Mondays at AP? Even the other nerds have just been planning their revenge.

I'm trying to get a heart attack or energy drink. Every time I have booze, I get an energy drink and I'm probably going to kill myself that way. How would you feel yourself? By shooting your eye out?

Yeah. Alright, Zach. That is actually a new creative take. So points for Tony on that one.

Zach, you did it again. Another spot on the show. I don't even remember what you really talked about. It doesn't matter.

Let's move on. Zach on Twitter at hack underscore site. We're flying through them tonight. I'm excited about this.

We're blasting through them. Had to spend a little extra time on Mystery Dam. I think you guys understand. Alright, this looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Jerome Tennyson. Alright, what's up, y'all? That much, that much. I just started back work.

I was on Christmas break. I'm a high school math teacher. Yeah, I love it. I love my job.

It's crazy because I'm dealing with high school kids. You don't have to pay attention as much. But last time I wasn't paying attention, a fight broke out in class. Yeah, this time the fight broke out.

They were taking a test. It was nice and quiet. I put my head down for a minute. And I was like, can we work on some jokes to kill Tony?

And then all of a sudden I heard, Hey, nigga, look at y'all on Scantron. And the student was like, Nigga, ain't nobody looking at you. Start Scantron, dumb ass nigga. I was like, oh God.

I looked up. So I was two Korean students. I was like, what the hell? What kind of school am I at?

And then they tell us, so they started fighting. They tell us as teachers that we can't test the students. So I'm trying to break up the fight in my voice. Hey, not in my yard.

Y'all ain't gonna be doing that. And then I was like, okay, let me call security. But I'm just my first year there. I ain't no security number.

So I'm sitting here for like five minutes looking for security. Oh, you go ahead, you go ahead, go ahead. Hey, looking for what? Is that it?

Nah, there's more to it than that. Alright, fuck it. That was great. Jerome Tennyson.

That was awesome. Thank you. Fucking great. First time on the show, right?

That was great, man. How long have you been on stand-up? Ten months. Wow, that's fun.

You really are a high school math teacher? I really am. Wow. Jeremiah?

Tony, I am programmed to not like black people. But this guy is just so likable, it's just gosh darn contagious. I gotta say, black people are so not into snitching, they don't even know the number for security. Alright.

That is true. That is true. What's the number for security? How long have you been teaching high school math?

Just my first year. First year. That's cool. What were you doing before that?