Building A Better Dave

This week I am home alone (feel free to put your hands on your face and make a face like Macaulay Culkin). I did something I hardly ever do.Nothing.I sat on the couch and petted my cat.It is here where I learned why I love working on my next project. This might be reading or listening to a book, thinking of the next product I want to create, etc.When I'm not thinking about things coming in the future, I think about the past.I don't like to think about the past.I sat there and reality let me know that my Dad was really gone. The cards I had been dealt, were gone. Game over.I had a good old fashioned cry.It felt good in the end.My cat was very confused.Looking ForwardI prefer to look forward, and see a picture of an improved life. One where I help people. One where I leave the planet a better place.I often fall asleep at my desk. I then get up, and go home. I bop till I drop in the immortal words of Rick Springsfield.I'm OK with that.Relaxation is over rated in my book. It doesn't compare to the adrenaline rush of new ideas, of creativity pulsing in my veins. No contest.I'll sleep when I'm dead.

John Lovitz, Lisa Rina, and other people time have forgotten are now on a show where they sing music you don't want to hear.The part that blows me away is the audience made of 20 somethings who are shouting like someone is paying them money (oh wait).Does Lisa think that some casting director is going to see her and say, "Hey she's be perfect for my new role..."Its baffling.http://youtu.be/XakUYpmPYzkhttp://youtu.be/_eQx1E3zHNIhttp://youtu.be/tjUDy17gAuY

Last night I did something I have never done, but I watched the American Idol finale. I thought I would hear the best of the best, but found out that many of these people can't sing.I was also blown away at the deterioration of Paul Stanley's voice (of the band KISS). It was shocking. I loved his Audio Book, and it rekindled my interest in Kiss. I thought about putting out $90 for a ticket when they come through Cleveland, but I won't after this performance.Look people get old. It happens. It's just hard to get reality slapping in your face and reminding you that you - and your idols - are getting old.I found some great videos on Youtube that spotlight some of the Beatles doing their song with the music off. This was before auto tuning. These guy did it live and it was amazing.http://youtu.be/hhmiZyzLkqk http://youtu.be/_cJPfSmNtXw http://youtu.be/VrAdX4O1m4M

When I was 24, my mother passed away from her second (well technically third) heart attack. It was April 27, 1989. It had been 6 years since she had passed. As someone who talks in public for a living (teaching technology) it didn't seem like a stretch to take two of my passions (teaching and God) and put them together. At least that's what the Pastor's assistant thought when she asked me to sub for him and do a sermon titled, "What my Mother meant to me" on Mother's Day.This would be the sermon that would "Launch" my role as a pastor in training (a course that later went  away from this church and landed on the Internet). As this is Mother's day, I thought I would share it with you. The audio quality is very 1989 (originally recorded on a cassette deck)

Today Dave returns to talk about turning 49 along with topics such asBack HairSeeing your Dad when you look into the mirror.My 8th BirthdayI swore I would never make a child of mine have  a birthday like m eighth. My Dad was a long distance truck driver and in 1973 there were no cell phones, and to make a long story short I didn't get a phone call from him on my birthday. It really bummed me out, and made me feel pretty invisible. I don't hold it against him, and he did call the next day.Fast Forward to 2014I was in Vegas for a podcasting convention. I remember when I woke up on the last day and had a reminder to call my step son. It was his 17th birthday. Its weird when you're three hours apart. When you eat, they are sleeping. When you're eating lunch, they are in school. This goes on and on. When I looked at my watch and saw it was 9:45 pm in Vegas meant it was 12:45 in Ohio. I had missed his birthday. I had a reason (I got lost in the time zones), but I couldn't believe I had done that.Are we destined to turn into our parents? I don't know. I haven't seen my Dad in years cause the last time I went to see him the dimensia had robbed him of his memory of me (and he thought I was my brother). This makes one feel insignificant (even though you know it's not his fault). I'm thinking of going back to see him. It is weird. If you're Dad doesn't remember you, but he's alive, it's like YOU're dead. I'm going to take my wife and hope that she will help him remember me. I guess we'll see. I have a voice in my head that says I need to go and see him.

Today Dave talks to callers about hosting and software issues

I am amazed at how much there is in the bible that basically says shut up. Keep it to yourself, and how much damage you can do with your mouth. The fun thing is how do you learn to keep your mouth shut without going off the deep end and feeling like what you have to say has no worth? That is my dilemma.I'm not sure where my lack of self worth comes from, but I know most of my life I was pretty happy. I'm still an optimistic guy. Then I went to therapy for a few years and they told me how horrible my life was, and how I have scars for life. Really? I didn't see any... Hmmm. I'm not always ready to believe what the shrinks have to say. This is from the days when they diagnosed me as being ADD, and then later tested me after prescribing me medication. Quacks.There is an old joke that says you can be married or you can be right. There is a lot of truth to that, and its not just married. My soul is that of a teacher, and I'm always trying to help people by sharing my insights. To have a successful class you need students who are interested in learning. I've come to the conclusion that not everyone is as hip to "constant improvement" as I am.Many times its not what I'm trying to say, but a lack of tact in the way I said it. Good intentions - bad execution. Its a tough road to go, and a hard skill I will need to work on. Slowing down has something that I'm not good at. With 40 years left of my life, I'm not really interested in slowing down. The clock keeps ticking, and the lines in my face are getting clearer to quote Steven Tyler. Life is too short.

Today Dave share's about his new health kick (and why he decided enough is enough). He also talks about the demise of Thanksgiving, weird "Christmas" songs.DietbetI'm in a Dietbet that if I can lose 10% of my body weight in 6 months I have a shot at earning some cash. How much? There is $175350 in the pot with 1304 people fighting for it. For more information check out Dietbet.comSo far I'm down 3 lbs.Watching Thanksgiving fade AwayI remember when Sunday's stores were closed, then (greed) stores decided to stay open. Then we had "Black Friday" the day after thanksgiving when the majority of the USA has the day off to go shopping. Then black Fridaystarted at 10 am. Then 9 am. Then 4 am. Now if you didn't notice it, Black Friday starts on Thursday night about 8. We are trading in our time with our family where we are supposed to be thankful for what we have and we are trading it in to to have things that we think will make our life better- but won't.When I was at Target the associated wanted to know if I wanted to open up a credit card to pay for my $2.54 bill. Really? I could save 5%. What will I do with that 13 cents? Sure let me sign up so you can charge me 30% interest. That is hard to fathom.The Spending SocietyIf you haven't checked, some are your credit cards are charging 30%. That means is most of your money is going to pay for credit  card bills 30% of your hard earned money is being lit on fire because you couldn't wait. In the future I don't think we will potty train our children as we won't want them to wait to do anything.I Broke My Back - AgainWhy am I getting into shape? Because I tore every muscle in my upper body. Doing what? Drying off. Yep. Drying off with a towel. One wrong turn and my entire body just froze up. I said to myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH!I was looking at the iTunes reviews of the Logical Weight Loss podcast, and one review said, "Dave you've been doing this podcast for three years and you've set a new record for being heavy." Ouch. I've always tried to be a person of integrity and its just time to poop or get off the pot.Why Are These Christmas Songs?I was listening to "My Favorite Things," and of course later "Marshmallow World" (the worst Christmas song ever). This are just beyond cheesy. 

Today I talk about how I keep having people in my life including my family, friends, and finally a church group keep telling me, "It's not personal, but we don't want to work with you."I'm trying to understand what I've done. I've always thought I was a pretty nice guy. I've got a good sense of humor, and I feel like I'm laid back.A large amount of my family won't speak to me.I've reached out, but have had almost no replies.My wife quit our podcast.A church group told me that they didn't want me in their group. I made the lead uncomfortable.This has me second guessing every emotion, thought, and action I do.I always thought I was a good person. Was I wrong?

I had the hard task of putting my dog of 14 years to sleep. I've had him since he was a puppy. This little Schi-tzu was the best dog I've ever had. He  has been there with me through thick and thin. No matter how bad the day was I always new a wagging tail was waiting for me. It always made me smile. He was my friend. We bonded when he was just a few months old, and we went everywhere. He was the peanut butter to my jelly, etc.He been going down hill for some time, and I had to put myself second and do what was best for the dog. He had basically dropped about 10% of his own weight in about a week. He went from being spunky to being lethargic.I was amazed at how fast the things happen once we the doctor showed up. She explained what was going to happen. once the procedure started, he was gone in less than 15 seconds.When your dog barely moves when he was alive, its very confusing when he's actually dead. But she listened and announced his heart had stopped.Now the day after I'm still looking to make sure I don't roll over him with my desk chair, breaking off bites of my sandwich for him to eat, closing my office door so he doesn't get out, and dreading going home to see his empty bed.I thank God for 14+ years of a great dog who always made me smile.

There is a weird law in the universe. The large the hurry you are in, the better the chance that the employee at Radio Shack will grill you on your phone plan on the way out the door. After being a joke for every comedians in the future about them asking about batteries, they switched from pimping batteries to grilling you about your phone.I went to TWO other stores praying they would have the cable I KNEW Radio Shack had. I didn't want to have to deal with the check out process. I'm happy with my phone. I know you sell phones. I know you sell toys. I know what you do. I see you advertising.I really just want my change. I just got my phone. I won't be upgrading any time soon. Neither will anyone of my friends, family, or co-workers. Can I please just have my change? How about handing me my receipt and letting me get out?Let's Create a Catch PhraseWhen you are in a store, and they just won't let you leave without hearing the hard sell you are "Getting Shacked." If you are at the shoe store and they won't let you leave without the hard pitch for socks, you are "Getting Shacked." Let's make this part of a vocabulary. "I got shacked!" 

I'm reading about how you identify with different things. When these things disappoint us, we feel stress. Here in Cleveland Ohio we refer to Cleveland Browns Stadium as the "factory of sadness." The sports teams we identify with do not meet our needs, and we are stressed out watching them.So I got to hang out with my high school class 30 years after we graduated.At one point we did something new. We arranged people by the elementary school we attended. So there I was shoulder to shoulder with people I had know for most of my life. The little Hatton heroes. The Hatton school had recently been bulldozed along with all my childhood memories. Only to rebuild it in a more modern fashion. I remember us Hatton people as we prepared to go to Hyre junior high. We had gone from being the oldest at the elementary school to the youngest at the jr high.We made it Jr high. Then we ruled the School in 9th grade.Only to go to the high school, and put up with being the new kids again.But we worried but learned to drive together in a truck trailer that simulated driving on a giant screen. We watched our football team, and celebrate at McDonald's every Friday rain or shine. We raced to see who could make it around the bases of sex.We tossed our hats into the air together and sand the alma matter one last time and headed off to graduation parties, and plans of college, work, and future. We swore we'd keep in touch. Some of us did. Most of us didn't However, that doesn't mean we don't have that connection.We traded that connection for homework, and jobs, and more tests, and degrees. And spouses, and children,. And once every five or so years we get together to see how much weight we've gained, hair we've lost. We look across the dinner table and someone who knows what its like to be us. We remember how awesome Deanna's Sebeny Vargo's -laugh is.It was weird. Our kids are now our age when most of use connected. We looked like out parents. Slightly gray, slightly overweight. And we worry together about our kids, and in some cases, grandchildren, great nieces and nephews. its nice to be around a group of like minded people. Who call the tree lawn the devil strip. Who know what its like to bleed orange and white.We worried about leaving elementary school, and then JR High, High School, who take take to the dance, if we would win the big game, pass the test, live through the break up, what college to attend, how to plan the wedding, how to raise the kids, and now as we plow into middle age, we will start to ponder the thought of staying off "the list."

First things first. I am NOT taking light the horrible situation these women went through. What I'm pointing out is the media, and asking the question, "Do they help create these monsters?" Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, Michelle Knight are free. Praise God.On the other hand, I commend Charles Ramsey for doing the right thing. He now has t-shirts, and a lot of attention. It should be interested to see what he does with the spotlight.

Have no fear, bacon is here! With Americans gobbling up more than 1.7 billion pounds of bacon each year, Destination America brings bacon buffs what they crave with an all-new series, UNITED STATES OF BACON. Each episode features our hog-wild host, Chef Todd Fisher, as he road trips to cities across America in search of the most mouth-watering, stomach-growl-inducing, sensory-overloading bacon creations kitchens have to offer. While more than half of all U.S. homes (53%) keep bacon in their fridge at all times, no longer are the sizzling strips being relegated to the sidelines as a simple breakfast side dish. As Chef Todd discovers, bacon has become a beloved fixture of American cuisine for any meal of day and the "secret sauce" for recipes of all kinds, popping up on menus as the crown jewel of traditional dishes and in avant-garde pairings with ice cream, jam, and cocktails. The 12-episode first season of UNITED STATES OF BACON premieres Sunday, December 30 at 10 & 10:30 PM E/P. If only television screens were scratch and sniff!Denny's Bacon Makes it BetterDenny's is now serving a salted carmel sundae with BACON. A BACON Milkshare, and many other bacon related products. My gripe is there are people who truly do believe that life is better with bacon. My job is gone! Eat some bacon! My government is corrupt! Eat some Bacon. Meanwhile if the bacon doesn't make it better, Arby's will provide Good Mood Food while my snickers really satisifes me. Are we really that stupid?

Today I talk about a story I heard about Coy Mathis who is a boy who has been living as a girl. Coy is six years old. I could care less about Coy's lifestyle, but I do get frustrated that we now have to label our bathrooms with the type of equipment you were born with. Some restaurants get cute and put things like "Dames" and "Guys", or "Dudes" and "Chicks." Apparently because of people like Coy we are going to have to chance bathroom signs to read "PENIS" and "VAGINA" (it will be fun to see what the international symbol for these signs are). Watch videoI also talk about Outreach Magazine today. I was a subscriber to this magazine, but there are soooo many ads in this magazine I never re-subscribed. This has not stopped them from sending me issue after issue stating, "This is your last issue.."

NOTICE: There is 6 seconds of silence at the beginning of this episode (the mic was not pressed). Don't crank up your speakers or your head will be blasted off.I went to the new media expo. I love the expo. I am not a fan of Vegas. I saw many things that made me sad. It seemed everyone I saw, I would write in a back story that was just horrible. The one thing that really bugged me two fold was one night when I was leaving the Rio (where the expo was) one of the "drink girls" got up on a table (complete with loud music, lights, etc) and for lack of a better phrase began to shake her ass. She wasn't naked, and for the most part had a bathing suit on with some lace over top. The commotion caught my attention, and when I realized what was going on I decided to continue looking for my friend. Then I noticed that nobody was paying attention.As a musician, I've had my experience as the "Human Juke Box" and it's not fun. At least in those instances I was part of a band. There was no mistaking this, we were ignoring her. Consequently, when the music was over she returned to serving drinks. I noticed that nobody clapped. I thought, I wonder what causes more internal scars, the fact that part of your paycheck is earned shaking your butt or the fact that nobody notices and appreciates that you are shaking your butt. I felt bad for her.The scene that played over and over in my hotel (the Gold Coast) were older people in their 60;s and 70's with a dead pan stare on their face just pushing "the button" (you no longer have to pull a lever) and watching their money evaporate. I don't understand it. I spent $1 in the airport on the way back and it took me about 5 of my 20 tries to figure out this was a game that was geared to leave me on the losing end.Next episode I'm not that guy anymore....??? ?? ??????

In this short mobile episode I am at a place where I went in to eat lunch, and listen to podcasts. I had my volume up all the way, and the music coming from the sound system over-powered my headphones. I couldn't hear my podcasts.This lead me to ask, "What is up with all the over-stimulation?" I mean do we ever relax? I understand music is played so you can't hear what the table next to you is talking about, but do we need it so loud that it shakes the fillings out of my teeth?

Today I talk about the frighteneing situation where my wife had a "fake" heart attack. It looked like a heart attack, smelled like a heart attack, but in the end it was her gallbaldder. Looking back, I didn't want to freak her out when I thought she was having a heart attack. Meanwhile she was trying to remain calm so she wouldn't freak me out. I went to work because she was so calm about it. This has lead me to believe that I can't read my wife's mind at all. In the end I went to work (I was teaching a class that day). It was very weird driving to work and thinking, "What if she was wrong?"Top 10 Memories of LifeAfter her procedure I was with her at night. We flipped thorugh 8 million channels (with nothing worth watching), and eventualy found two shows we watched growing up. Sandford and Son, and Good Times. After having the crap scared out of me, having my wife "out of the woods" and back in my arms, where it was just the two of us, is now one of my most cherrished moments. I also talk about the first time the frist time I told her I loved her (next the to drain pipe decorated for Christmas). Another favorite memory was when I got to play guitar for my step-daughter as she sang (here that episode).In watching some of the shows I grew up with, I was su

Dear GayFan,I’m sorry I offended you. I was only imitating my friend Fausto from the Feast of Fun podcast http://feastoffun.com I got to hang with Fausto and Marc in 2005. Two truly awesome people who took the fun of the night to a whole new level. Instead of focusing on our differences, we focused on what we had in common. It was a blast.All stereotypes have some form of truth in them. A hint. A spec. I know a LOT of Christians who are judgmental right wing nut jobs. I know a lot of country music fans who drive trucks, own guns, and drink beer. I lead classes at a college where the predominantly African American student body could not get to class on time. What about all the pregnant white teenage mothers who couldn’t seem to get to that school on time even though Grandma was watching the kid? It also turned out most of these young mothers were on welfare. Does it mean all? Never.I worked with two, hard working, compassionate, funny, gay men at a company. Both had a huge understanding of Broadway plays, and both of them had a unique way of pronouncing their “S’s”. They were great friends.When I see someone on the street, as an average white male I have at times said the word “Howdy!” (Can I sound any more WHITE?).  Does this mean that all country music fans are high school drop outs who marry their cousin? NO! That all African American people are lazy and eat chicken? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Does this mean that all Gay men sound this way? Nope, but enough do that every comedian seems it OK to lisp when talking gay, nasal when talking white, stupid when talking southern, and Yo! use Ebonics when talking “Black” (you know what I’m sayin?). It is never my intention to offend, if we can’t embrace our own cultures and embrace our differences than soon freedom of speech will be a thing of the past.If someone did an imitation of me and it contained me saying “Ya know” or some other type of stammering (which I do) I couldn’t argue that I stammer. I understand YOU don’t talk like in a stereotypical gay male fashion. In that case I suggest that I was not talking about you.As a guitarist who has never smoked a joint and didn’t have a sip of alcohol until his early twenties, I do not get offended when people assumed I did drugs. When I tell them I grew up listening to Ozzy Osbourne, and Judas Priest (fronted by a Gay Male by the way – who is still one of my favorite singers) I understand why they jump to this conclusion. Why? Because I realize that most musicians get up around the crack of three, wake and bake, and look for a girlfriend so they have some place to live. I am the exception to the rule, and I enjoy breaking stereotypes.I apologize for hurting you. As a person who tries to be the same on mic as I do off mic, I will more than likely do this again. The show is unscripted. My show is me talking to my favorite people including you. As there are thousands of you, if I had to worry about every word that didn’t offend Native Americans, African Americans, Gay, Straight, Bi, transgendered, Lesbian, I would have to stop at the “Welcome to the Logical Weight Loss” podcast. With this in mind I apologize in advance. You will hear (poorly executed) accents from time to time. It’s just me being me. I can’t help myself. My apologies for every English person when I start off a sentence with “Right-O!” (but when I was in England my instructor did that every day).I’m not sure why talking like a Faux gay men is offensive? If you listen to their last podcast from October 2010 when Fausto says “FabuouS” I would say I’m pretty spot on. Are you saying Fausto is offensive? I’m sure that would hurt his feelings.

Today I talk about how I was at a football game and we all joined in on a good old fashioned BOO!Oddly enough nothing changed. The referees didn't change their call. Did this ever work? Back in the 1700s if you shouted BOO at someone, were they obligated to change their mind?Also on the show today I talk about my two weekends that I worked in a haunted School House. There is nothing more fun than trying to hide your 6" 1" frame behind a three foot wall.Get a free audio book by going to www.audibletrial.com/dave

The nurse and I attended a football game (as the senator play claronete in the band). This week we were the visiting team and the home team was having a homecoming week. It was interesting. So this week I'm shaing my thought on:Cheerleaders: How many minutes into that first game does to take for you to realize you tried out, you made the squad, and nobody is listening to you.Song Selection: Hey! Here is a lovely soft melodic tune. Let's find an arrangment for a high school band!Why Sweet Caroline was sweet.If you right a great song, we don't care if you molest children.Having fun reliving our high school days.Have someone who is 5 foot 2 stick up for you when you're five foot 10.Girls who only date rock stars.Doing ESPN style game assessment of a high school football game, and giving the same assessment to the cheerleaders.  

Today I talk about a few things1. I will be moving home soon. I will be separating my office from my house.2. The nurse lost her job - thank you Oboma Care!3. Honey Boo Boo is the devilMentioned in this podcastWeight of the Nation Video and Book

Its little old Dave again, just reminding everyone not to blow off Mother's Day. For whatever reason I decided to do the math and see how many years my Mother has been gone. It's been 23 years. I had her for 24, and for whatever reason this bothered me. From this point forward I will have had less time with my mother than the actual time I did.In going to therapy, its weird what bubbles up to the top. I remember two instances in grade school where I got left of lists. I hope this wasn't intentional, but there is that little voice in my head that will always wonder. I believe that's when I started working on my "shields." You know the one you put up when there are people around who might hurt you. This can be dangerous as you might find that while you don't get hurt, you also can't let anyone near you. As good as you think your shields are, there are those occasions where something gets by you and knocks the wind out of you.

In today's podcast I talk about how the Old testament is full of jacked up, hard to believe stories. I was listening on my Youversion app to Judges today and heard the story of Samson. I don't know if you consider him a bible hero (this website thinks so), but in this story we learn:Don't drink when you're pregnant.Wives can whine their way into anything. It's ok to betray your husband. Great lessons for young ladies.Samson takes revenge on his first wife for betraying him. Revenge seems justified here. Hmmm.. Great lessons for young males right?Samson gets another wife name Delilah who also nags him and cries a lot. Eventually this tactic works.Reinforcing the great advice from before.Samson gives into his wife which result in him being a slave and having his eyes gouged out. Thanks wife. Reinforcing that you should ignore a Woman's tears.Blind people were entertainment back in the day. They don't say doing what, but I'm guessing it wasn't juggling.Samson prays to God, and God gives him his super strength one last time and gets revenge and kills everyone. - If you have faith in God he will help you open up a can of whoop-ass. I'm pretty sure I could learn the same lessons from watching a few episodes of the Jersey Shore Television Show.?????? ?? ???? ?????

????????Today I talk about some "Weird" things that have been happening like thousands (that's four digits) have been awarded for my wife and I to go to an INTENSE marriage counseling in Texas. I heard about a national marriage expert named Mark Gungor, and days later he was calling me on the phone. I had a friend of mine turn me on to John McCarthur only to find out that he has a podcast about (you guessed it) MARRIAGE. The church I attend is having a five week series on MARRIAGE.I reached out to my immediate family and was ignored. These are the people who wish I would get divorced. Meanwhile on my birthday it was my wife and one of my step children who posted birthday wishes on my facebook page. I just purchased Weird for my Kindle. This is a book that points out that if you are truly taking the words of the bible and LIVING them in your life. You should look pretty weird compared to most people today. So when I know all of the crap that my wife and I have gone through and we are still trying to save a marriage that I wrote off three months ago -it's weird.I realized that if you are getting married to "complete" yourself you are in for a very RUDE experience. IN FACT, whatever is "Wrong" with you will be AMPLIFIED when you get married. You will probably be messier, (or more of a neat freak), or if you are selfish, you would be MORE selfish (in my situation).I read that fear was not created by God (although the story of Korah in Numbers 16 may produce some fear as a bi-product). I also read that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I have family members who will probably disown me if I stay with my wife. What should I fear more, God or losing my Family? If I truly believe that the bible is the sinpred word of God. If I truly believe every word. If I'm not giving people lips service, I should fear God (as should my family for not forgiving me for being an idiot). In his book The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness John MaCarthur talks about how we should be running to see who can forgive each other the fastest. That when we forgive each other, we imitate God (again, slightly confused where the forgiveness was in Numbers 16). None the less, if I want God to forgive me, I need to forgive others.What kind of legacy will you leave for your kids. What will they say of your actions? My Grandfather was in church every Sunday. I remember that. He sang in the choir. He was a deacon. His ACTIONS are what come to mind. He put his wife first when her health began to fail even if it meant leaving his home. I've always strived to be like my Grandfather. I failed at that challenge. But I also know that I have not seen the last of him and will be reunited with him. He is a Christian. He worked hard. Never lived beyond his means. Was happy even when he was poor. Cherished his wife and kids, and adored his Grandchildren. I never heard him swear. I never heard him raise his voice. How weird. Websites Mentioned:Mark Gungor RadioJohn MaCarthur Grace To You PodcastScott Eiland Astroid WriterAmazon.com Widgets????????

Note: I originally released this episode, and (and this is why I hate talking about the present) I was asked to edit out a portion that didn't agree with some people's "truth." If you for whatever reason you get this episode again (I don't think you should if you've already downloaded it in iTunes - it was only available for about an hour in its unedited version). With this in mind, I present this episode again where I still ask what the difference is between courage and stupidity.I had looked forward to spending Christmas with my family as I had missed it last year. Things had deteriated, and after three days of trying eveything I knew I was asked to leave - and this time I didn't argue. While my family went to Christmas Eve service at our church, I made mutliple trips moving all of my possessions back to my sisters. It's not that we don't knowwhat to do, I'm starting to think that we are just not wired to bend that much. My wife has said everything I wanted to hear. The unfortunate fact is she did it after I left. She is stating that she won't hurt me, that she is deeply remorseful, and is a new person. She feels spirit filled, and she now knows God is the person that should make her feel whole - not her husband.I started thinking about Courage and Stupidity. Both cases involve people not having (or overlooking) fear. Staying married during tough times takes courage, but on the other hand is it stupid? I know what God says. I know God hates divorce. and I also know that Paul states that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Should I stay or should I go as the clash sing. Do I run back into the burning building? Part of me thinks it would be cool to be able to turn around my marriage when everyone thinks I should throw in the towel. When everyone is telling us to pack it in. I know I love to help people. I know I love to break stereotypes. However, at this point I see those qualities as a BAD thing that can lead me into the burning building (courageous) covered in gasoline (stupid). I don't know.For now I read the bible on a daily basis, and I pray to God for wisdom. I haven't really felt and answer. In the past I would just flip a coin. Not this time.

????????The last thing I want to do is go into 2012 talk about 2010, so I want to kind of jump to then end of the story. This story has been somewhat depressing, and I could spend HOURS going into details, but I'd rather get back to the sarcasm and yuk...

After spending what seemed like eternity in my one night of jail, I waited and waited for them to come open the cell door. I had to give back my uniform (I was bummed as I wanted a souvenir), and prepared to go before the judge. I sat in the same room where I had been "booked" only now there was a television set. I told the cop standing there that I was looking forward to talking to the judge to explain that this was all just a misunderstanding. To this he pointed out that he would not recommend doing that. He suggested I say nothing unless I was addressed/asked by the judge. What? Really? I had no idea what I was getting into, and based on the previous night's experience this lead me to being scared. Was I really leaving today?Finally the judge appeared on my television. I had a camera pointed at me so they could see me in all my striped glory. I heard that my wife was in the courtroom. Oh how I ached to see my wife. I hoped that the camera angles were like those you see in a gas station where the security cam switches to different views every 15 seconds. Maybe I could catch a glimpse of my wife. To let me see she was OK. I could just get eye contact.......But it was a single camera shot. All I get was the judge who wasn't even looking into the camera. There was another person in the courtroom. My wife had been appointed an advocate. She was now the victim. She had victim's rights, etc. She needed protected. I didn't realize it then, but I understand it now. When I closed that cell door, my life changed. Previously I was innocent until proven guilty. Now I was guilty until proven innocent. This goes for the court system, and for certain members of my family. I felt like running to a mirror to see if I had somehow put on a stained white t-shirt with a hole in the shoulder. You know the type of "uniform" that most domestic violence men wear.  It was like someone had placed a "kick me" sign on m back, only it read "wife beater." I again wanted to scream "STOP!, HOLD ON, Can I PLEASE get someone's attention?" Instead I sat with my mouth shut listening to the judge. I learned how I would have to pay for a lawyer to defend me and I had another hearing in about two weeks. In the meantime, there would be a protection order against me and I couldn't be within X-amount of feet of my wife. I could not communicate with her in anyway. If I violated this in any fashion I would be thrown back in jail. Even if she contacted me first, if I answered the phone I could go to jail. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MISTER JACKSON? "Yes your honor," I answered. I was scared. I was not going back to jail.I had to wait for a cop to escort me back to my house where I was not allowed to talk directly to my wife. I had to ask the cop to ask my wife a question. After about four messages back and forth the cop had enough and said, "Look if you guys can be civil, I'll let you communicate." We talked about the bills that would need paid. How to run the house going forward. The nurse had done me a favor and packed some clothes for me in. This was not in a "get out now" fashion," but more as a favor to save me the hassle. She said she didn't want a divorce. I don't remember much of the conversation. I just remember having to hurry as we couldn't keep the cop all day. I had to pack enough in my Toyota Corolla to last me a while. Before I left she asked if she could hug me, and the cop said that was fine. So three feet from where our act of stupidity happened, I hugged my wife fo what would be the last time for a while.We all take things for granted every day. We are to busy to realize the every day things we do that are a privilege. My wife an I had gome from shouting at each other to talking to each other, to cour ordered silence. The silence was deafening. I couldn't email, text, chat, call, look, etc at my wife or risk going to jail. She called, but I refused to answer the phone. I wasn't going back to jail. I didn't trust the justice system,

There is a Bible Passage that I learned about through the Rock Band Stryper. It's Isaiah 53:5 Which states, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Well today we talking about the stripes of a jail uniform.It's amazing in a way that anything would ever come close to competing for the title of "Worst Day of My Life" with the day my Mother died, the night I spent in jail comes close. In this episode I talk about being booked, and my evening in jail. I'm not sure how anyone ever sleeps in jail. When I finally had to honor "lights out" I found I wasn't alone in my cell. I know this makes me sound insane, but I believe Satan is real, and the voice in my head was not from God, and the things it said were nothing that I would say to myself.You see everything God tells you to put down, and not to carry those burdens. However, behind us is Satan taking notes so that when the time is right he can tell you to pick them all up. With the ability to focus on something else removed, Satan said some of the nastiest things in my head, and reminded me of every person who had ever let me down, and how (in general) I was a piece of crap. I know I've read that you can cast the devil out by evoking the name Jesus, but when Satan has you on the ropes, you trying to recover from the massive body blows he is delivering.Eventually I got up out of my cot, and moved the pillow on the cot above me to find a bible. I thought, "Alright you bastard, now I've got some ammunition." Only the voice had already left... Whatever it takes. Whatever you do. Do everything in your power to stay on the free side of prison bars.

Today I talk about the worst day of my life (or definitely in the top 5).It started out as a wonderful day. I had a great day at church, I stopped by Play it Again Sports and found a BRAND NEW Total Gym, and not one of the those cheap ones that you find at department stores. This was THE Total Gym, and it was normally 1,200 and this one was $300. A quick call to the nurse and we decided this was my Christmas present. My Christmas shopping was done, it was a warm and sunny day for November. I drove home to Cleveland, and thought to myself, "What is this feeling????"The Nurse and I had actually put together a few good weeks. We were at least headed in the right direction.I was going to have money for Christmas thanks to my job.I had a great wife, and fabulous kids.Life was good. Praise God. What was that feeling... oh I remember this. I think I was happy.I took the total gym down and put it on the bed.Life can change in the blink of an eye. The last two episodes show how I had been having issues with my wife. I have "pulled back the curtain" to show my warts to show you, to BEG you to get counseling before it gets to a point like what we affectionately call "November 28th" at the Jackson house.I don't want to spoil the ending. I will tell you that this is just the beginning of the "Crap Cannon" of 2010," and I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm looking for you to learn, please learn, from my mistakes.Previous EpisodesTales From the Couch - removed by request.The PreludeCrap Cannon 2010

I remember at my orientation for the Pastor school. One of the graduating students stood up and said, “Protect your marriages.” Satan does not want you to be a minister, and he will attack your marriage. Well good old Satan, if he is nothing else, he i...

I’ve got a feeling, a feeling I can’t hide. The immortal words of Paul McCartney (Not only a great singer/ songwriter - and my favorite Beatle), but one of the best screamers in Rock and Roll.I’ve haven’t put out a better Dave since August of 2010....

Today I'm going to do something stupid and talk about my family on my podcast. This involves moving my father to a long term health care. I live an hour north west of my father and brother. Instead of going with the location I found that was about half way between the two of us, I went with a location that was an additional 30 minutes in the wrong direction. This means that if I want to see my father I have to drive an hour and a half.He called on Wednesday and asked for my opinion on moving Dad 90 minutes away from my house, and I said "that will not work, you are going in the wrong direction." There are tons of places that are between the two of us, or worst case scenario, it if was by his house (that would be an hour away). So on Wednesday I explained how this was absolutely not going to work, and on Friday my brother (having power of attorney) moved him there anyway. This is not only further away from me, its further away from everyone in the city where my Dad lives.  I'm not sure how I'm not supposed to be offended. I'm not sure how I'm not supposed to feel invisible, small, and insignificant. So for probably the first time in 30 years, I'm mad at my brother.When I visited the "wonderful" site my Dad was moved to. It's a very nice place, but not that really different from the place that was 40 minutes from my house. The biggest difference was paint. It didn't look so much like a hospital. It had hospital beds, people in nurses uniforms, wheelchairs, etc, but the walls were beige and green instead of white. So I'm driving an additional 50 minutes for a fashion choice. Don't get me wrong, its a great facility with a talented loving staff - that just so happens to be 90 minutes from my house.It's hard to stay mad at my brother (and I won't). You see:My brother was the person was running behind balancing the bike the first time I rode without training wheelsMy brother was the person who taught me the immortal phrase "lets go piss" which my mother did not find amusing coming from her four year old.My brother showed how to play some cords on the guitar.He was the person who helped me fix my first car.Took me to my first concertBought me my first baseball gloveWas the person who insisted I move in with him when I got divorced/bankruptSaid it was ok to continue living in his house while I got my second degree.My brother stood by me at both my weddingsIs the only person on the planet who knows what its like to have Dad as a dad, and my sister as a sister.He is the person who helped me when I got my first house, first car, first guitar, first girlfriend, first......So I've learned my brother isn't perfect and he made a bad decision. Its partially my family's fault. When my Dad went into the hospital we should've been looking for a place for him to rehab, but we waited instead 9so we didn't have the luxury of time to find other alternatives).So I've been here. I'm mad at my brother. So this is what it feels like? OK. Time to put it down. I will... eventually.Music in this EpisodeMad at You by Joe jacksonNo Respect - Extreme

It's funny when you have young kids. How do they get your attention when they are hungry? They scream and cry. You can shake keys at them, put on Barney (or whatever the latest kid tv is), bounce them on your knee and NOTHING matters unless you solve their one problem: THEY'RE HUNGRY.This week my father was disgnosed with Colon cancer. It's a scary place to be and a scary situation to live through. The first night in the hospital, my father had gone through a few tests and he thought they had removed his giant tumor. They hadn't.  What happened was they did a biopsy, and we needed to wait till the next day to get the results.I had been telling my wife how you can't tell me Dad what to do. At 80 years old he knows everything, and nothing will get in his way. He once walked 3 miles to the grocery store. Luckily a friend saw him at the store and gave him a ride home (he hadn't thought throw how he was going to carry the groceries home).After visiting him at the hospital that first night, we only made it to the parking lot before Dad had removed his IV, and was preparing to "break out" of the hospital. I turned to my wife and said, "Welcome to the world of my Dad."We went back to the hospital, and tried to explain to Dad that there was a tumor still inside him. Thankfully my wife still had her nurses uniform on, and she talked some sense into him. He just wanted to eat. He wanted food, and was not going to stop until he got some.So there I was with the roles reversed, with a better grip on the "big picture" than my Dad did. I was explaining what to do, and why these actions were what was best for him. Much like a teenager, he thinks he knows everything.He goes in for surgery on Tuesday, and the road after that will be long and hard. There is no manual for this (except the bible), and it's going to be tough. No human likes change, and nobody likes getting older, or hearing that they "Can't" do (insert task here) anymore.Luckily my wife has lived through this (she onced worked at a nursing home, and obsviously deals with all sorts of situations being a nurse) so she has already been a huge help, but none the less this role reversal will be like a new pair of shoes. They may fit, but they're not comfortable and will take some breaking in?????

I spent the weekend with a bunch of Humor Writer at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. I had an absolute blast. I sat in on a session or two. One was lead by Jerry Zezima (Columnist and author of the book Leave it to Boomer).I have a new appreciation for authors. I do my little stories with sounds and tone of voice. They have words, and only words.Jerry gave us an exercise to think about "the Wildest Ride I Ever Had."My idea came quickly. I was about and we were at Geauga Lake Amusement park (now closed). There was a big wooden coaster that had been around since the days of Howdy Doody, and you were scared to ride it just by looking at it. Not because it was tall and fast, but because you were pretty sure it was going to collapse. Big Dipper was 65 feet high, 2,680 feet long, and had a top speed of 32 mph.  When built in 1927 it was one of the largest roller coasters in America.With this in mind, my Dad and I were the only ones to get on the ride. I hadn't ridden on many roller coasters, and it was cool to actually have my Dad (a long distance truck driver) along for some family fun. I put on my seat belt (with enough room for three other people in it), and grabbed on to the bar that would lock down over my legs.The genius college kids who ran the ride gave some thumbs up and told us to enjoy the ride. As we were going up the hill, I noticed the bar wasn't locked. I moved it, thinking it would lock in place. It didn't. About the time I went to tell my father that it wasn't locked, the coaster shot over the hill. All I remember is my but trying to pass my head, my feet coming off the floor, and my hands clinging on to the bar that was now vertical instead of horizontal. I screamed. I had planned on screaming as I have heard that if you don't you can get sick (which I do on these things). I looked at my Dad who grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me down. He was laughing. Another hill and up I would go. He would laugh and pull me down, much like a two year old plays with a balloon. Up and down, up and down... laugh, laugh,laugh.To this day, I have no idea why he stayed in the car unless he put his seat belt on tight.  It was one of the few things my father and I did together, and it was a complete nightmare.  This by far was the wildest ride of my life.  Thank God my father was there to give me security that I wasn't going to die. I could count on him pulling me back into my seat. I was scared, and comforted at the same time.But Jerry had me thinking outside the box.I walked into my father's house which to this day is still weird. It's where I grew up, and he has let the place go. It's also weird as I expect to see my mother every time I walk in the kitchen (who passed over 20 years ago).I had to deliver bad news. I had done all I could. My soon to be ex-wife had refused to go back to marriage counseling, and we had come to the conclusion that the marriage was over. So not only were we going through a bankruptcy but we would add divorce to the mix. This was going to be a wild ride.My father never really expressed like or dislike for my ex-wife. She did paint his house one summer while I was in school. She cleaned, etc.  Consequently, when I had to explain that my marriage was over, my soon to be ex-wife was a drunk, and a cheater, I didn't know how it would effect him. The number of serious discussions I've had with my father can be counted on one hand probably so this was going to be awkward.When I delivered the news, he was sorry to hear it.  It turns out he knew what I was going through.  He knew the wild ride I was going to go through (even friendly divorces are ugly, and expensive). He knew first hand."I don't know if you know this (I didn't), but I was married once before I met your Mom." I was shocked. It turns out he had married some woman right before going into the air force. As the story goes, while the cat was away the mice did play.

Today I talk about a lovely trip to Chicago where we stop at a Burger King to get something to drink. When we go back to the to the car only to find our GPS missing.We noticed the homeless guy near my car, and like my GPS he was also gone.Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that all homeless people are thieves, and con artists. You should donate to those organizations that help the homeless.This way we know the money is being (hopefully) used for good.Today's sponsorLooking for love? I found my wife online. You can to and get a great deal atwww.Perfectmatch.om/dave

I will turn 45 in a little less than two weeks (Feb 8th). I'm starting to feel like Andy Rooney. Looking back at my life here are some thoughts: Every phone had a chord on it. The phone RANG. There were no ring tones. Movies were about $5 and if you didn’t see it at the movies you waited till it came on TV. There was no way to rewind or pause. If you had to do something you had to wait until a commercial came on. Cars ran on leaded gasoline. Speaking of Gasoline, the air was dirty and the sex was clean. Well, it wasn’t lethal anyway I barely, I mean barely remember black and white TV. Captain Kangaroo was cool. Mr. Rogers was not. Ernie was my favorite muppet, but looking back I wonder if Burt was his “partner.” Saturday mornings were spent with Bugs and Friends, and School house rock (educational TV, what a thought).  I would have a bowl of Captain Crunch, or Quisp, or Frankenberry. I remember when we left the cool new “video game” PONG on without turning off the TV and it burned the final score into the screen. It was so much cooler than playing pinball. I was the only kid in first grade who knew who Jimi Hendrix was when he died. Nixon was president and Ali was champ, and you could catch “The Johnny Carson show” (as I called it) at 11:30 for a large part of my childhood. In my opinion, Ali is still the champ. I remember listening to top 40 music on AM radio through the one speaker in dash board of my mom’s Plymouth duster. None of the words were bleeped out. I remember hooking up a CB radio in my bedroom with the antenna going out the window. On occasion I could talk to my friend at the end of the street. (ancient version of text messaging?). I road my bike everywhere. No hill was too tall. I’m not sure how, but my Mom didn’t seem to care that I was gone most of the day. There was no way to reach me. If I was going to be late, I would use a pay phone. I had to be home when the street lights came on. To this day, I never understood how 8-track tape players got popular. They sounded awful, didn’t play right, and often fell apart. I still have two containers of 45 records, and over 400 LPs. I haven’t listened to a single one in about 4 years. I still have a turn table, but nothing to plug it into (and yet I will not throw them away). I am noticing that more and more of my sentences begin with “these kids of today…” I remember life before Google when everyone had a set of encyclopedias. While I vowed as a child to never grow up to be like my Dad, I hear more and more of his words coming out of my mouth directed at my children. He’s kind of cranky and will turn 80 in June. That scares the crap out of me. While I use to be able to get away without wearing my glasses, things are really getting blurry now. The bad news unless I get surgery, my eyesight is only to get worse. That’s right: this is as good as its going to get. When I was a kid, if I got pudgy a growth spurt would come along and take of it. I’m still in need of another growth spurt. When I was a kid the word “sucks” was a curse word (it insinuated oral sex). There was no attention deficit, and ADHD, and ADXKYMGT (etc) kids. If you were hyper, you got detentions. If you continued, you got paddled. My ninth grade Algebra teacher flung  an eraser at a student who was sleeping in class. There were no guns, no metal detectors, and in general we all attempted to pay attention. When I was in school there was honor roll (GPA 3.5 and above) and Merit Roll (GPA 3.0 - 3.5). Today there is no Merit Roll, and the honor Roll is 3.0 and above. And yet people want to argue about the "dumbing of America." We also kept score. There was a loser and a winner. Both experiences had lessons to be learned. A dirty fight in high school was if someone brought a bat. It only happened once, and we were all so shocked it never happened again. I remember at McDonald's when I graduated from the hamburger, and could actually eat a Big Mac. There were no super sizes.

Today I talk about a gift I got for Christmas. I'm going to be 45 in a few weeks, so I know I'm "Half way to dead." However, what does it say if someone gets you the clapper? I mean the commercial shows some woman who sits up in bed and claps the light off. This woman looks, well, half way to dead.Now the interesting thing is, the clapper is a great GIFT. I mean IT ROCKS. The sad thing is I ended up using it just like the old woman on the commercial. I have it hooked up to the light right next to my bed.Dave turns 45 in a few weeks. Check out what he wants for his birthday

Today I share a voicemail I got from a friend of mine Fred Castenada. He is a great guy, great entrepreneur, and has tons of experience. Fred is a Vietnam veteran. Now when I say Vietnam I don't mean the fun, wacky Vietnam you see in the movies with guys smoking cigs, and joking around in the jungle. Fred was and is the real deal. Fred was on the very front line, and live to tell when many of his friends did not. Thank you Fred for serving your country.This Thanksgiving maybe we were talking about a new flat screen tv, or a laptop, or other issues that we wanted to fix. Fred's call lets us see that many of the "problems" we face are really just annoyances. We need to remember to count our blessings that we have food, shelter, and most importantly, nobody shooting at us.I was very shaken when I got a call on Tuesday letting me know that a friend of mine (a music promoter) had taken his life. Walt was a Vietnam vet as well. I'm not sure what problems he had that made him lose all hope, but I'm pretty sure they were just very strong annoyances. I just can't stop thinking about how his little girls are dealing with this, and what does a wife say to her children?Sometimes we get confused as to what a problem is, and what is an annoyance. Thanks Fred for sharing, and for reminding us to count our blessings.

?????So where have I been? Well I got a job I hated, and now I have a job I love.  Then the dog ate a whole box of Trix, and then a WHOLE chocolate cake, and then decided to throw up on the couch. It's been fun.The road to happily ever after has taken a new strange twist. I've had an urge to become a pastor for about 4 years (I occasionally fill in for the pastor), and to make a long story short, when the pastor asked to me to think about becoming an interim pastor I said "yes."This means I get to go back to school to learn how to be a pastor, etc and I will be licensed to preach in my church, eventually Ohio, and from there its up to me.

Today I talk about the sport of having sex when you have children in the house.I also relive July 1972 when the Stones came to town. I wasn't allowed out because of the hippies.Most people talk about the oldest child having very strict parents, the youngest having it too easy (and getting spoiled) and of course the middle child getting lost in the shuffle.  To me none of these apply. The child that has it worst is the child whose bedroom is next to Mom and Dad's.Maybe I'm weird, but when I walk into a room with naked people I typically look down, say "I'm sorry" and leave immediately. I thought this was the standard response for most people. But then again, if you had something very important you might stay to make sure you made your point.Today's show features music from Apa State Mental and the song is "Eaten By Hippes" from the Podsafe Music Network.

Today we finish up with stories from my honeymoon. This time we relive the "relaxing" trip we had riding inner tubes down the little river in Pigeon Forge TN. We had a great time. We have the scars to prove it.We talk about scooter and his death defying dives, taking people out of the river, bees, deathly undertows, all for only $8 for the whole day.

According to an AARP article Dolly Parton is worth between 200 and 400 million dollars.  She has done some fine things with her money like she has donated millions of books for parents to read to their children. She created Dollywood and the Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge Tennessee which I'm sure brings in some great tax money for the area. She has had a music career that has outlasted many many artists.HOWEVERWe went to Dollywood. It was nice. We saw some very beautiful bald eagles. Its interesting in that the typical stereotype of a southerner is a guy named Scooter who has the brains of an ice cube. This then makes you nervous when you hear "Keep you arms and hands inside the ride at all times yall." When Scooter or Goober or Cletus has your life in his hands it makes you just a wee bit nervous. Another fun fact was  I forgot to take my motion sickness medicine and we were worried about me getting sick. We did a few water rides and were having fun. Nothing too scary. Then we got on this coaster that you could only see a small portion of it. That is becuase the majority of it was inside in the dark. I knew I was going to be in trouble. It whipped us around upside down and backwords, and about the time I thought I was going to hurl it stopped. I was flat on my back looking straight up. I looked at Diane and said, "this is bad I need this to be the end." About that time it launched us straight up, and pretty much straight down as it blew fire at our face. A couple of more spins and we slammed to stop.I gagged. I had no good options. If I threw up I had a choice of spewing on the teenagers beside me, hurling on my wife, or swallowing it. I closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead. The little boy turned to me and asked, "Are you ok?" without looking at him I said, "No." The boy next to him let out a "Man that was awesome." Diane frantically tried to get somebody's attention to let me get off quick. He asked again, "Are you OK?" Again without looking at him I said, "No."Then the car in front of me emptied and the moved my car up and then stopped it suddenly. Here came the flood. I put my hand over my mouth to stop anything from coming out.  This was one of the grossest things I've ever had to do.Diane again frantically tried to get someone's attention. The car moved again, and my restraints were loosened. I ran to the nearest waste basket and for whatever reason had a dry heave. The good news bad news. The good news was I wasn't doing the technicolor yawn. The bad news is I was dizzy, tired, sopping with sweat. We slowly made our way to the park exit. Thankfully we had hit all of the attractions.We had some issues finding the exit only to find out that the only way to get out of the park is to go through the gift shop. OK, I know Dolly got this from Disney. Seriously though. I know you got this from Disney, but how much money do you need?We later went to her restaurant the Dixie Stampede which was good entertainment. However they tell you to show up 90 minutes early before the show. It's imperative that you show up 90 minutes before the show. So we did and they ushered us into this big cantina where you can get a bag of popcorn. Well let me change that, you can get a bag of salt with some popcorn thrown on top of it. Then she will sell you a soft drink (probably about 8 ounces once you take out the ice) in the shape of a boot for 4 bucks. When you exit the place they send you through a weird back hallway down some steps so (you guessed it) you can exit through the gift shop.Dolly you are the Gene Simmons of country. In fact you look a little like Gene Simmons at this point. I know you say it takes a lot of money to look this cheap, but my God you are scaring the children.  I'm buying stock in botox.

Diane (my wife) and I  headed off for our honeymoon. Destination Pigeon Forge Tennessee. It was about a 9 hour drive and on the way we listened to the radio, and finally popped in an audio book about making your second marriage work.  It helped pass the time, and kept us alert. We got to Tennessee and when we got to Pigeon Forge it looked like a hillbilly version of the Vegas strip. Instead of spectacular hotels, you had a pancake house, and a pancake house, and a pancake house, and a pancake house, followed by, a pancake house. I’m not making this up. In a one mile stretch there were 5 pancake houses. I would also guess that on the other side of the pancake house was a “Barb B Cue” joint and on the other side of the pancake house was a fireworks place. With this in mind, if I ever meet someone with barbecue sauce on his shirt, maple syrup on his chin, and 9 fingers I’m going to guess he is from Pigeon Forge TN. On the other hand the Smokey mountains were breath taking. Seriously. Wow.Luckily Diane said, “We better find the cabin before it gets dark” as I wanted to get something to eat. The map from the cabin people’s website said, “do not use mapquest or they will send you on dirt roads.” We followed the map and I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I mean I know it’s a mountain, but the road went almost straight up, and had serious hair pin turns with no guard rail. If you were to slide off the road, you were going straight down. Needless to say this made Diane just a smidge nervous. It had me clutching the wheel with both hands as I would white knuckle it around a corner hoping there was more road under my tires. Our drive was an even steeper climb which was off the previous steep climb road. It also had another turn “blind” turn where you have no idea what you are turning on to. It had rained a bit before we showed up, and in some cases water would come out of the mountain and make the road wet. Kind of an “instant river” right in the road. Consequently, when I went to climb our driveway I spun my tires. Luckily, I made it up on the second attempt.Our log cabin was gorgeous. It had a pool table, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, etc. It just oozed cozy. It also had water pressure that dripped out of the shower. Consequently, we spent a large amount of our first day relaxing in the hot tub waiting for Gomer to show up and fix the water pressure issue. Later that day we decided to go hiking and get up close and personal with Mother Nature.After talking with someone at the visitor center, we decided to go to Laurel Lake Water Fall trail. It was fairly short, paved, and sounded lovely. Now when we thin of bears we think of Yogi, Smokey, the Snuggle bear. All of these are our friends. They are funny, cute, cuddly. However, when we got to the trail, there was a sign that read “Dangers Bears Are Active In This Area Do Not Approach Them. Attacks on Humans Have Occurred inflicting serious injuries and death. Then under that sign was another sign. “DANGER Falling deaths have occurred closely control your children high vertical drop offs ahead and at falls area.” Well this adds a new slant to this lovely relaxing hike.Then another thing dawns on us. This is the Smokey Mountains and any travel involves going up. A lot. Like turn the corner and there is another hill. And the sign was right. We had a small path about 5 feet wide (big enough for two people) and on the left we had the cliff of death and to the right we had a mountain that went straight up. Also the only straight road in Pigeon Forge is pancake alley. All other roads and paths curve and curve a lot . So we are hiking up the mountain and many times we are walking around rocks that are 8 to 10 feet tall. So you’re thinking if there is a bear on the other side of this rock, um, I’m SCREWED.The level of awareness goes up tremendously when you are thinking “ACTIVE BEAR AREA.” Diane and both giggled as we admitted to looking at the path for paw prints.

Today I'm playing snippets from my wedding to the lovely Diane (formerly known as "the Nurse").  The wedding day is a bit of a blur. Everything went off without too much stress. The honeymoon stories will be following (much more entertaining than the wedding ceremony probably). So here is what you get:The Vows"the countess" (my 16 year old step-daughter) sings (and I play the guitar)I sing a bit (again snippets).Pronounced man and wifeMusicFrom the podsafe music network.  The Root Doctor "Me and My Wife."The music this episode is from Root Doctor from the podsafe music network. The song is called "Me and My Wife" and is available on CD, or as a Download at CDbaby. You can also find out more about the band at www.rootdoctorband.com/

Let's count the people who had had their lives take a turn for the worse after having a reality show about their life. If your show gets an audience, it seems to ruin your life.Nick and Jessica Simpson (divorce)Dave Navare and Carmen Electra (divorce)Jack and Kate + 8 (c'mon - Divorce)The Osbournes (Kids went to rehab).Hulk Hogan (divorce)Anna Nicole Smith (death)And now MC Hammer is going to have a reality show. He is not well known for making good business choices in the past, and it appears he is still at it.David Carradine Dies with a Noose Around His JunkI'm not sure why a "Standard" orgasm is not enough for some people. This puzzles me. I mean,  I don't think I''ve ever uttered the phrase, "Man that orgasm was awful!" Auto-erotica is some funky way of having sex where you basically bring yourself to the point of orgasm and death at the same time.  So when someone comes to me and says, "Here is your noose," I'm afraid I'm going to have to say, "I'm sorry this doesn't sound like a good idea." There are alegations that he was wearing fishnets and a wig, that he had sex with family member(s). His fourth wife cited his feakiness in their divorce papers. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'll just take the "same old sam old" orgasm. No need to super size me, or wrap a noose around my junk.

I went to a concert and saw a small girl who was just F A T. I watched and she shoveled more pizza, pepsi, brownies, popcorn into her pie hole. When she went back for more, her Mother (finally) said no.The girl cried.Mom caved.It was sad and hard to watch.I had to deliver a punishment to my future step-son. It wasn't easy, but I know in the end this is what is needed to teach our children to follow rules, respect their parents, and that (unfortunately) you don't always get to do what you want to do.Music "Step up" by Dona Oxford from the Podsafe Music Network (http://music.podshow.com ) check out Dona at www.donaoxford.com

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