It Just Is... the Podcast

I have a PhD in psychology and thirty years of clinical experience. I have read more books on relationships than most bookstores stock. I could explain attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and conflict patterns in my sleep. And I could not fix my own marriage. I could not stop my own destructive patterns. I could not change my own life no matter how much I understood about it. In this episode I finally explain why. And then I give you something I did not have for thirty years: actual tools that work on the part of you that insight cannot reach. If you have ever left a therapy session or closed a self-help book feeling like you finally understood everything, and then had the exact same fight with your spouse three days later, this episode will tell you why that keeps happening. It is not because you are not trying hard enough. It is because you have been trying with the wrong part of your brain. I also give you three practical tools you can start using today. Not concepts. Not frameworks. Tools. Things you can do with your body, right now, that actually change your nervous system response. Fair warning: one of them involves stomping your feet like a toddler having a meltdown. I never said healing was dignified. This episode is drawn from my book "You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized." The podcast gives you the principle. The book gives you the whole story. Grab it here: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

I was driving home from a failed mediation in September 2019 when I told God I was going to stay drunk until all of this went away. I meant every word. Months later, when I finally started sobering up and went right back to complaining about her, the Holy Spirit showed up and said something to me that was not gentle. At all. This is the episode where we talk about the things you are most ashamed of. The drinking. The overeating. The people-pleasing. The shutting down. The staying too long. The leaving too soon. All the ways you have survived that you now hate yourself for. I spent years despising myself for how I coped with pain I could not name. The food. The alcohol. The passivity. The emotional shutdown. I had a PhD in psychology and I could not stop choosing destruction because I did not understand that I was not choosing anything. My nervous system was grabbing whatever would keep me alive for one more day. This episode is about the radical, uncomfortable, maybe even offensive idea that your worst coping mechanisms were not moral failures. They were creative solutions to impossible situations. And shame is not going to fix them. Shame is what keeps them running. This episode is drawn from my book "You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized." The podcast gives you the principle. The book gives you the whole story. Grab it here: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

There is a voice in your head that has been lying to you your whole life. You probably do not even know it is there. You think it is just you. You think it is just the truth. But it is not. It is a recording that got installed a long time ago by something painful, and it has been playing in the background ever since, running your relationships, your work, your whole life. Mine said "you are not enough." I carried it for almost fifty years before I finally heard it out loud and realized it was not mine to keep. In this episode I talk about the most common lies trauma installs, how to figure out which one has been running your life, and why your brain picked it up in the first place. Spoiler: it was not because something was wrong with you. It was because you were a kid trying to make sense of something that did not make any sense at all. I also tell you about a morning in a grove of Aspen trees in Colorado where I heard the truth that silenced the loudest lie I had ever believed. That moment rewired something in me that I did not know could be rewired. And it is still rewiring today. This one goes deep. Bring a Kleenex. Or don't. Your body is going to do what it wants either way. This episode is drawn from my book "You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized." The podcast gives you the principle. The book gives you the whole story. Grab it here: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

The morning before my son's wedding, I woke up with a fist around my heart and concrete in my gut. Nothing bad had happened yet. Nobody had said anything. Nobody had done anything. But my body already knew who was going to be in that room. And it was preparing for war before my conscious mind even opened its eyes. In this episode I talk about the thing most people never connect: that your chronic pain, your insomnia, your jaw clenching, your stomach problems, your mysterious symptoms that no doctor can explain might not be medical mysteries at all. They might be your body finally sending the bill for everything it has been holding. I also tell you about the session that changed everything I thought I knew about healing. The one where decades of stored trauma started releasing from my body in ways I could not control and did not understand. And I explain why animals in the wild almost never get PTSD, and what that means for every human being who has ever been told to calm down, stop crying, or just get over it. This one might make you uncomfortable. Good. Your body has been trying to get your attention for a long time. This episode is drawn from my book "You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized." The podcast gives you the principle. The book gives you the whole story. Grab it here: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

I once drove forty miles on a Texas highway with absolutely no memory of doing it. Both hands on the wheel. Car between the lines. Somehow alive. And I had no idea it had happened until I came back to consciousness in a neighborhood I did not recognize. That story, and what caused it, is where this episode starts. Because it turns out your body has been keeping a very detailed record of everything that has ever happened to you. It does not care whether you remember it. It does not care whether you have dealt with it. It just keeps the file open and waits. In this episode I break down why insight is not enough to change you, why you can know exactly what is wrong and still not be able to stop doing it, and what is actually happening inside your brain when you get triggered. I also introduce the four survival responses, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and help you figure out which one has been running your life without asking your permission. If you have ever felt hijacked by your own nervous system, this one is for you. Buckle up. Or don't. Your body is going to do what it wants either way. Check out the book, You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

I was a psychologist with a PhD, thirty years of experience, and a marriage that was falling apart while I taught other people how to fix theirs. Fun times. In this episode I tell you about the afternoon I sat in a rental car in a Colorado Springs parking lot, sobbing into my phone for three hours, and finally stumbled into the one question that changed everything. It was not the question I had been asking my whole life. That question, "what is wrong with me," had only ever taken me to one place. Shame. The better question took me somewhere I had never been. Understanding. I also break down what trauma actually is, and I promise you it is not what you think. And I walk you through five specific ways unresolved trauma quietly wrecks your most important relationships without you ever seeing it coming. If you have ever looked at your own life and thought "I literally know better than this, so why can't I do better than this," welcome to the club. Pull up a chair. I saved you a seat. Here's the link to the book, if you are interested: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/dQkGnEiB/checkout

Dr. Michael Smalley is back. After five years of silence, a marriage ending, a school bus in Colorado, an accidental walk into a Hezbollah camp in Lebanon, and four months in Ethiopia that he did not see coming, he turned the microphone back on. This is the episode where Michael explains where he went, why he went quiet, and why he is genuinely different from the man who stopped podcasting five years ago. Not a better version of the old Michael. Something new. Forged in the kind of fire you only come out of changed. He also introduces The Wounded Healer Podcast and what makes this show different. Every season is a focused teaching series, the kind of content that actually moves the needle on how you understand yourself and the people you love. No fluff. No performance. Just the real stuff. And he gives you a first look at what is coming next: a seven-episode series called You're Not Crazy, You're Traumatized, based on his newest book. If you have ever looked at your own behavior and thought "I know better than this, why can't I do better than this," you are going to want to subscribe right now. Welcome back. Or welcome for the first time. Either way, you picked a good day to show up. Connect with Michael: Text or call: (303) 435-2630 Email: [email protected] Website: smalleyinstitute.com

An uncensored conversation with one of my best friends about the morning I decided to end my life in November 2019. Instead of suicide, I chose to call Casey McKown and Seth Johnson. Today, you get to hear Casey's side of that morning. This episode is explicit because of the nature of our conversation and a couple of words. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast, I’m your host, Michael Smalley. Today I have another special update from my missionary friend currently living and discipling in Southern Lebanon. Please remember, as you hear his voice, that he is currently surrounded by Hezbollah. I lived one floor above him in Southern Lebanon, the risk is real. One of the key leaders of Hezbollah lives across the street! You can find out more about their music ministry and discipleship work and support them financially by visiting https://www.horizonsinternational.org/jeremy-and-zaheda-fletcher 

On today’s podcast, I share about the time I daydreamed walked straight into the middle of the Syrian Social Nationalist Party in Beirut. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast, I’m your host, Michael Smalley. Today we're diving into a topic that affects us all at some point in our lives: the false comfort of self-pity. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

A little something to make you smile this Thanksgiving! ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

I go through my daily routine and unpack exactly why I do what I do each day. And I share more about my most recent traumatic events with the best dog in the world, Olive! ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Step Twelve - Share. Experiencing a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carry this message to others struggling with signature sins and keep living these principles in everything we do. Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Galatians 6:1-3 The Promise We suddenly realize God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast, I’m your host, Michael Smalley. The one-word summary for Step Eleven - Pursue. Step Eleven: Ask God to show me how to live and pursue His will. "Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God for the Father every step of the way." Colossians 3:15-17 The Promise We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Step Ten - Accept I’m human and will screw up. Repair it immediately. These are all warning markers—danger!—in our history books, written down so that we don’t repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parallel—they at the beginning, we at the end—and we are just as capable of messing it up as they were. Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 Corinthians 10:11-12 The Promise - Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Step Nine - Repair any harm I can without hurting anyone else. This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. Matthew 5:23-24 The Promise Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. ------------ Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Step Eight - We make a list of every person we harmed and seek to repair the damage with them all. Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that’s charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.” Luke 6:31-34 The Promise of Step Eight - Self-seeking will slip away. ----------- Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast, I’m your host, Michael Smalley. We’ve reached Step Seven - Humility - We ask God to help us change and remove all our signature sins. If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—simply come clean about them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. 1 John 1:8-10 The Promise of Step Seven: We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in others. ---------- Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Willingness is the key to this step. A Gaelic proverb states, "Nothing is easy for the unwilling." If you are unwilling to face your signature sins, failures, and pride, then progress becomes impossibly difficult. Those willing to face their faults and ignore the desire to avoid the pain in doing so are more likely to succeed in change. When life is difficult, willingness is a stance we can take to make things better. Embrace the discomfort of being honest about yourself because it leads you to contentment. ------------- Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast, I’m your host Michael Smalley. Step Five - We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs and signature sins. Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn’t rain, and it didn’t—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again. James 5:16-18 The Promise of Step Five: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

In Step Four of the recovery process, we are presented with a crucial task - to undertake a thorough and accurate analysis of our moral inventory, with a particular focus on identifying our signature sins. This process requires us to be fearless and honest with ourselves as we delve deep into our past behaviors, actions, and thoughts that may have caused harm to ourselves and others. By identifying our signature sins, we are able to confront the root causes of our negative behaviors with clarity and understanding. This process can be difficult and uncomfortable, but the promise of Step Four is that we will achieve a sense of peace and liberation by facing our past with honesty and courage. So join me today as we explore the importance of Step Four in the recovery journey and learn how to embrace the challenge of analyzing our moral inventory with an open heart and mind. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Step Three: Do I want to live or die? If I want to live, I will turn my will and life over to the care of God and surrender everything. If I want to die, I choose to stop here. So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2 Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Don't miss out on a special interview with my missionary friends who are living in Southern Lebanon. They share their testimony of faith and trust, which is something we could all use in these times. You can find out more about their music ministry and discipleship work and support them financially by visiting https://www.horizonsinternational.org/jeremy-and-zaheda-fletcher 

Hope has the power to uplift our spirits and fuel our drive for a better future. It is a beacon of light during challenging times, giving us the strength and determination to keep going. It inspires us to pursue our dreams, overcome obstacles, and imagine a better world. By bringing people together, instilling optimism, and motivating positive change, hope is a beautiful and essential part of the human experience. It reminds us that no matter the circumstances, there is always a possibility for something better. "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu Years ago, I had the incredible opportunity to spend a whole day with Desmond Tutu in downtown Houston. It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I vividly recall his small stature and infectious laughter. During the day, we were seated next to each other at a large boardroom table, and I managed to make him laugh. He had a great sense of humor and loved to laugh! Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

For years, I tried and failed, again and again, to overcome my obsession with overeating. All you needed to do was look at me, and there’d be no doubt eating too much plagued my life. Until I learned there was nothing I could do to stop overeating, I continued to suffer. I’d shown myself and the world I could not stop this signature sin in my life. Until I finally quit trying to overeat and handed this signature sin over to God, I remained stuck. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Member now and support the show at https://www.smalleyinstitute.com and get live daily coaching with me!

Have you ever heard of the 90 in 90 challenge? You’d better, because I mentioned in yesterday’s podcast episode! It's a powerful tool that can transform your life if you're willing to put in the effort. I'm talking about overcoming your signature sin and finally breaking free from its grasp. Now, I know this might sound like a daunting task, but trust me when I say that it's worth it. So, if you're feeling a little hesitant about taking on this challenge, keep listening because I'm about to show you why it's so important to start your own recovery journey with a 90 in 90. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Stay Classy Podcast Member now and support the show! Click here to join: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/giYXbCyw 

Things get sexy today because we are discussing the power of routine! I know I just lost most of you, but I want to challenge you to keep listening. Because routine saved my life, and I know it can save your life, too! Are you familiar with a 90 in 90? You need to be because it saved my life. A 90 in 90 is an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) term, meaning 90 meetings in 90 days. When Dr. Rick Marks suggested I start my journey in AA with a 90 in 90 I threw up a little in my mouth! I was nearly 50 years old and had never done anything in my life for 90 straight days. It does not bring me pleasure to share this information. It is humiliating to admit publicly I had never brushed my teeth, taken a shower, or even gone to the bathroom for 90 straight days! Lack of consistency is one of my signature sins... ------------ Get all the episode notes, watch the podcast live, and enjoy the daily live Q&A immediately following the podcast with me as a member! https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/

Welcome to the It Just Is podcast. Today's show explores the power of taking things "one day at a time" and how it helps us break free from signature sin. Life can be overwhelming at times, but with the right knowledge and skills, we can overcome anything. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Stay Classy Podcast Member now and support the show! Click here to join: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/giYXbCyw 

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not find healing are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are also those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them recover if they can be honest. If you decide you want freedom and are willing to go to any length to get it, you are ready to take certain steps. The testimonies shared in our meetings are confessions of what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. In the past, we hoped to find a softer way out of our signature sins. But we failed. Be fearless and thorough from the start. Reject your previous ways of thinking that failed you and surrender completely to God and His will for your life. Remember, we deal with signature sin - cunning, baffling, powerful! Alone and isolated, it is too much for us to bear. But there is One who has all the power; that One is God. May you find Him now! Half-hearted attempts did nothing to break us free from sin. Let today be a turning point. Accept God’s protection and care with complete abandon. Are you a fan of the It Just Is Podcast? Do you want to take your personal growth to the next level? Become a Stay Classy Podcast Member now and support the show! Click here to join: https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/giYXbCyw 

On April 8, 2022, everything changed! My life had become unmanageable, suffering was the norm, and I finally cared enough to change. Passivity, escaping, shutting down, and addiction plagued my life. These are not a complete record of all my faults, but more like a Hall of Fame of my biggest struggles, what I like to call Signature Sins. “It works if you work it,” spoken at the end of many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings around the world. It is a major reason for any success I’ve experienced in finding freedom from my own signature sins. 12 Steps to Freedom is a resource born from my own desperation and need. The hope is you find freedom from your signature sins and experience joy, serenity, and contentment in life and your relationships. You feel the same desperation I experienced, I know this is true or you would not be reading these words. If you want freedom, put in the sweat equity. Deliverance from your most haunting offenses requires work and a total mental, emotional, and spiritual renovation. Liberation from signature sin is a lifetime journey focusing on the present. The past is in the past. It is dead and buried; nothing can undo what has happened. You cannot change the past. Nor can you do anything about the future; it is yet to be written. Eckhart Tolle said, "Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."

Welcome to my journey toward self-discovery and acceptance. This study is the culmination of years of struggle with personal issues and the realization that the only way to overcome them is through acceptance and a relationship with Jesus Christ. For most of my life, I was a mess. I blamed everyone but myself for my problems and couldn't seem to find a way out of my struggles. That is until I found Jesus. Through Him, I have experienced freedom from the thorn in my side that haunted me for so long. In this step study, my hopes for you are simple. I hope that you, too, will fall in love with Jesus, who is the only one who can truly save you. I hope that you will experience the same freedom and peace that I have found through Him.