Kiefer? I Barely Knew Her!

Join Chris and B as we put in our mouth guards and prepare to download 1995’s “Johnny Mnemonic” straight into our brains. What’s worse than losing a chunk of your childhood memories? Paying $175 for an mp3 player that can only hold 12 songs. We smoke up and drop some metaphorical flaming cars while discussing Dolph forcefully bringing Jesus into your heart in new and horrifyingly imaginative ways, AI’s willingness to attempt blackmail before choosing violence, and how surprising it was to find out the Internet really is a series of tubes.  

Join Chris and B as we make our assassin for hire sandwich boards while watching 1972’s “Lone Wolf and Cub.” What’s worse than being framed for “hoping” the shogun dies? Becoming a single parent in feudal Japan. We smoke up and walk down the demon’s path in hell while discussing the differences in western and eastern hero’s being “good guys” (glaring at you Mr. Seagal), baby cart plot armor, and the parallels between Bob’s Burgers “Hawk and Chick”.

Join Chris and B as we dawn our top hats and wooden stake bandoliers while watching 2012’s “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.” What’s worse than the civil war being infested with vampires? The actual history. We smoke up and drop truth bombs while discussing Mary Todd and Abe’s inability to make obvious connections, Abe’s tendencies to choose violence even at a young age, and wtf horse fight… nuff said.

Join Chris and B as we relay the only story we believe about a man of will while watching 1995’s “The Usual Suspects.” What’s worse than finding out you scammed the most dangerous criminal alive? Choosing Biodome as your next role. We smoke up and trot down memory lane while discussing Verbal’s reputation doing more heavy lifting than his intelligence, the twist still hitting in spite of the sheer number of clues Brian Singer added, and we give an honorary badge to a Not Useless Baldwin.

Join Chris and B as we ensure our jump ropes are securely fastened while watching “The Conjuring 2.” What’s worse than being the ghost of a tired old man? Being the ghost of a tired old man who is also a sock puppet for a demon. We smoke up while the crosses turn upside down and discuss the prevalent theme of loss of innocence throughout the series, note that following sequel rules means breaking all of the rules established in the first film, and the realization that ghost hunters who aren't looking for proof of the afterlife are basically adrenaline junkies looking for their next fix.

Join Chris and B as we stare blankly at the 3 shells while watching 1993’s, “Demolition Man.” What’s worse than having a known terrorist and serial killer accuse you of wanton murder? Having such a shitty reputation they take his word over yours. We smoke up and dig under the surface to find old L.A. while discussing what it would take for a society to go from riots in the street to Cockteau’s utopia, point out how easily these sanctimonious assholes go feral, and confirm how this is an obvious prequel to Judge Dredd.

Join Chris and B as we pull the blankets closer and hope we don’t see our breath while watching 1999’s “The Sixth Sense.” What’s worse than thinking your marriage is falling apart? Realizing that you can’t tell the difference between being an absentee husband and just being absent. We smoke up and hide under a red blanket fort while discussing the Are you Afraid of the Dark episode that was likely the muse for the plot of this movie, sift through the damage the industry caused M. Night by selling him harder than the movie, and ponder the actual impact of receiving “help” from Cole.

Join Chris and B as we avoid looking out of the the kitchen window while watching 1986’s “Critters.” What’s worse than a running theme of aliens coming to our planet and eating us? The realization that we may be the 7-11 of the universe. We smoke up and sneak out our bedroom window while discussing how refreshing it is to have good child actors in a horror movie, wonder what they would have been able to achieve had they been given a “Gremlins” level budget, and ask the question: do the parents know that an adult alien gave their son a phone to call him personally?

Join Chris and B as we do our best not to look behind the TV while watching 2014’s “Annabelle.” What’s worse than having the doll you’ve been looking for your whole life used as a vessel for a demon? Finding out this isn’t her first time. We smoke up and head down to the storage cage while discussing the very real possibility that a demon's job is likely more soul crushing than yours, run through the impact of a possessed toy in the Toy Story universe, and work our way through additional ways to avoid possession yourself.

Join Chris and B as we ask, “Why us?” while watching 1981’s “Halloween II.” What’s worse than finding out you’re related to the psycho killer who murdered your friends and tried to kill you? The EMT with a crush, a lack of boundaries, no social awareness being the last thing you see as the sedatives set in. We smoke up and chomp down on some candy that hasn’t gone through the metal detector while discussing Michael’s lack of proximity limitations that are shared by fellow slasher counterparts, the real possibility that Michael was fighting the yips with his selective killing spree, and talk about who is really at fault for killing Laurie Strode’s dream prom date. Don't forget to check out the kickass merch we made, inspired by our conversation on this episode! kieferibkh.threadless.com

Join Chris and B as we reach through the veil while watching 2013’s “The Conjuring”. What’s worse than having your home haunted by a relentless demon witch? Being blamed for her farts. We smoke up and ensure our feet are securely under the covers while discussing at what point do you stop trusting your own senses, pontificate on our personal paranormal predicaments, and walk through the step by step guide on avoiding demonic possession this movie presents.

Join Chris and B as we make our own fate by watching “Terminator 2.” What’s worse than sending your “best lieutenant” back in time to bang your mom and become your dad? Also sending yourself a robo-babysitter because you really were a little scamp. We smoke up and lower ourselves into a vat of molten steel while giving a thumbs up as we highlight a few of the egregious decisions Arnold made as John’s protector, question whether or not the T1000 is a better model, and assert “This whole time travel thing is cheat codes bro”.

Join Chris and B as we fall through the drop ceiling while watching 1986’s “Aliens.” What’s worse than finding out you've been in hypersleep for 57 years? Finding out the bureaucrats are still salty about that shipment you had to blow up. We smoke up and slide down to the rust and rain room aqueducts while discussing what function Bishop was actually meant to serve outside of knife tricks, add another contender to the Monster Punching Club, and question whether we should be saying we Ripley’d it vs we John McClane’d it. Don't forget to check out the kickass merch we made, inspired by our conversation on this episode! kieferibkh.threadless.com

Join Chris and B as we crawl down the air ducts to watch 1979’s “Alien.” What’s worse than becoming a host of a parasite against your will on an unknown planet? Having it happen in a Red state. We smoke up and remind ourselves that, “This isn’t our system” while discussing the ethics of a warning beacon, ponder where the Xenomorph’s stowaway behavior started on an evolutionary level, and consider what might have happened if not for that last meal before cryosleep.

Join Chris and B as we overcome our growing fear of sequels (fuckin’ Renegade Cut…) and watch “Scream 2.” What’s worse than dating Sidney? Not much, it seems to be a death sentence. We smoke up and pour one out for Randy while discussing why the franchise had to kill off the incredibly accurate murder barker, ponder what could only be classified as immersion therapy for Sidney, and wonder if the “guidance” Mrs. Loomis gave Billy is what led to him becoming a serial killer... like mother like son?

Join Chris and B as we expel all the air from our lungs into a Tara Reid screech while watching the original 1996 “Scream.” What’s worse than losing your virginity to the killer? The post nut clarity compelling you to question his alibi immediately after having sex. We smoke up and dive into the metaverse while discussing new additions to the Mooney to Loomis scale, the patience required to wait in closets and bathroom stalls for that perfect moment, and the fact that the movie both figuratively and literally told us who the killer was repeatedly.

Join Chris and B as we continue making poor life choices and resign ourselves to watching “Highlander 2.” What’s worse than every other property in the Highlander series? This. This movie by far. We smoke up and double down on the Renegade Cut’s lore while discussing firstly WTF?!, wonder how many times “just hear me out” was uttered in character design meetings, and lament every poor financial choice that they made in lieu of paying Clancy Brown to return to the series.

Join Chris and B as we snuggle up with our Palicos and watch 2020’s “Monster Hunter.” What’s worse than getting lost in an unfamiliar desert? Trying to get directions to the nearest Skytower from a Diablos. We smoke up and dive for cover while discussing the impact on morale when the leader gets Deep Blue Sea’d during a motivational speech, appreciate the creative direction of “show don’t tell” in a movie, and how this movie delivers on its promise: hunting monsters.

Join Chris and B as we ignore the sage advice of “liberate tutemet” and instead watch “Event Horizon” while keeping all the lights on. What’s worse than an evil entity in space? Hellraiser in space. We smoke up and try to come back down to earth while discussing the refreshing lack of gaslighting, explore the similarities between Sam Neill’s character and John Hammond from “Jurassic Park,” and wonder if any of the engineers building this hell drive ever stopped to ask “are we the baddies?”

Join Chris and B as we strap on our fanny packs to watch 1984’s “The Terminator.” What’s worse than slowly being hunted into extinction by machines? Having your commanding officer choose you to be his dad. We smoke up and climb down into the bunker to ponder why Reese was sent back the same day as the terminator, discuss how not even self preservation is a match for the power of love, and dive into the consequences of not properly testing your fuses.

Join Chris and B as we crank the A/C and watch 1990’s “Predator 2.” What’s worse than living in this LA of the future? Apparently, living in LA in 1990 when this movie was filmed... We smoke up and tamp down our criticisms while we ask the question were Gary Busey’s teeth what threatened the predator, attempt to define why this predator movie doesn’t feel like a predator movie, and explore whether or not this future LA is a precursor to Demolition Man and subsequently Judge Dredd.

Join Chris and B as we cozy into some turtlenecks and watch 1985’s “Highlander.” What’s worse than being immortal until someone cuts your head off with a sword? Realizing the “prize” for winning the ‘Immortal-Off’ is worse than losing. We smoke up and lower our swords  on holy ground while discussing the problem with casting a protagonist who only speaks 10 words of English just for the broodiness of his brow, the apparent reversal of age rules for immortals, and note the bizarre similarities between MacLeod and Harry Potter.

Join Chris and B as we double down on avoiding anything water related after watching “The Meg 2.” What’s worse than “The Meg?” Certainly not “The Meg 2,” if that’s what you were expecting. We smoke up and walk the trench to discuss Jason Statham’s hella sick Jet Ski skills, appreciate DJ’s Sarah Connor-like dedication to preparing for a sequel, and wonder if the severely limited gene pool for Megalodons could create something as sinister as a 5-headed shark.

Join Chris and B as we don’t even don our wetsuits because we’ll be avoiding puddles after watching “The Meg.” What’s worse than a mega shark movie with no actual blood and gore? A mega shark movie with no actual blood and gore starring Jason Statham who can’t even use the “F” word. We smoke up and dive down deep to discuss the impacts of a story where the antagonist has no motivation, try to count which other Statham movies can be found within this one, and lament the “bible study” level of sexual tension.

Join Chris and B as we barter for our pizza and watch “Killer Klowns from Outer Space.” What would be worse than a group of killer klowns from outer space terrorizing your small town? Finding out they already got Joe Lombardo! We smoke up and crash land while we postulate the possible need for an episode of Ancient Aliens showing how the Klowns gave us blueprints for castles, introduce a new tool to measure the movie’s murder barker and we’re calling it the Mooney to Loomis scale, and find out which of us wouldn’t believe the other if we said there was an alien invasion.

Join Chris and B as we enjoy “Die Hard” with little to no vengeance. What’s worse than being accidentally invited to a holiday party on the other side of the country where the guests become hostages for a group of presumed terrorists? Being invited on purpose. We smoke up and chuck loose bricks of C4 down elevator shafts while discussing the importance of planning your heist wardrobe, do our best not to think about the FBI’s definition of “acceptable” losses, and worry about the LA police department’s nepotism policy after Deputy Chief Dwayne “The Ineffectual Pebble” Robinson took “control” of the situation with nary a toilet seat cover in sight.

Join Chris and B as we leap from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit of 2015’s “Krampus”. What's worse than spending the holidays with extended family, in a home without power, during a blizzard? Nothing… I’ve got nothin’. We smoke up and chomp down on prioritizing the delivery of a one-liner over your child’s life, acknowledge we’re being presented with the consequences of not John McClane-ing it, and try to absorb the adorable grandmother’s confession of putting a hit out on her own parents.

Join Chris and B as we shoulder check our way to the front of the line for 1996’s “Jingle All the Way.” What's worse than driving from store to store to get that last minute gift on Christmas Eve? Realizing your only motivation is to avoid telling the truth. We smoke up and lower our expectations of father figures to consider whether Sinbad was truly Arnold’s enemy or the product of a stress induced mental break, wonder how the parade didn’t turn into a riot the second it became obvious the contest was rigged, and share an article from our newest edition of Puns and Muscles Magazine.

Join Chris and B as we dive into the deep end of “Gremlins” from 1984. What's worse than your entire town being attacked by the unclassified creature you’ve just been gifted? Realizing your own parenting (or lack thereof) was to blame. We smoke up and turn the lights down to discuss Mama Peltzer’s murder first and ask questions never approach, consider whether mogwai are aliens or demons with mountains of evidence for both, and we award the coveted “chef’s kiss” to the best hit taken, while also hoping to add “best hit taken” as a new category for the Oscars.

Join Chris and B as we drop into the original "Predator" with Arnold from 1987. What's worse than barely surviving being hunted in an unforgiving jungle? Learning your evidence serial number is one digit off from the Arch of the Covenant's. We smoke up and bunker down to discuss how the Predator could get exonerated if he had the right lawyer, who would (and should) found "Puns and Muscles" magazine, and speculate on the possibility that Predator may just be a geared out pay to win n00b in a trophy hunting game.

Join Chris and B as we bludgeon our way through Simon Pegg's "Shaun of the Dead." What's scarier than a zombie apocalypse? Realizing that it feels like any other day you're late for work. We smoke up and bite down on how all it takes to grow as a person is a zombie apocalypse, how refusing change can mean your death, and postulate on how much safer a world made up of just zombies would be.

Join Chris and B as we rewrite history with 1985's "Back to the Future." What's more terrifying than your father's bully in his prime? Your mother's teenage libido aimed right at you! We smoke up and travel back to discuss the concept of Doc and Marty stuck in a Time Loop, wonder if we can trust Doc with this kind of technology, and lament over the wasted time Marty could have used to move the freakin' branch to help Doc during the storm!

Join Chris and B as we relive our childhoods and watch "Toy Story" from 1995. What's weirder than having realizations about Andy's playtime? Having some realHIGHzations about your own childhood while recording this podcast... We smoke up and sit down criss cross applesauce to discuss the angel/devil comparison between Andy and Sid, the horrors that must be involved in new toy "orientation," and Buzz's superior management skills which included putting "Inconceivable" Rex on a PIP with excellent results.

Join Chris and B as we geek out over the classic movie "The Matrix" from 1999. What's worse than computers enslaving humanity within a computer program? Being removed from that program and knowing you've never technically eaten pizza. We smoke up and download the idea of killing for the "greater good," the possibility that the Agents were programmed by storm troopers, and why saying you "have the savior inside you" means something completely different coming from Trinity. Also, our sincerest apologies to Joey Pants, whom we have the utmost respect for... mostly.

Join Chris and B as we untangle the horror anthology "Trick 'r Treat." What's more terrifying than a serial-killer principal? The little red riding hood that he's got his sights set on. We smoke up and sink our teeth into Halloween traditions, the importance of a spot-check enforcement system, and the best way to re-escalate a scare after you've already been unmasked.

Join Chris and B as we refill our prescription for Hypnocil and watch Wes Craven's original "Nightmare on Elm Street." What's more terrifying than the same man hunting you down in your dreams night after night? The same man hunting your friends down in their dreams! We smoke out and tuck ourselves in for a nice long chat about Johnny Depp in a blender, compare Freddy to some of his competitors in the horror scene, and even include some tips for survival!

Join Chris and B as we get pulled into Sam Raimi's "Drag Me to Hell" from 2009. What's worse than losing the button from your coat? Thinking you had given that damn cursed object away and now you've wasted money on a whole new coat! We smoke up and get dragged down into this camp fest to talk about the myriad of things being poured or shot into Chris Brown's mouth, if the fly bothering you is asking for help or suggesting you smell bad, and the determination of an old woman who continues to gum your chin from beyond the grave.

Join Chris and B as we make our way through Denzel Washington's "The Equalizer" from 2014. What's more terrifying than a trained killer with your name on his list? A trained killer, forced out of retirement who can't get back to his book until he crosses your name off his list! We smoke up and break down the blessing and curse of "loving what you do" in this line of work, the importance of making a good first impression with a trained killer, and discuss the kind of lynch pin that could take down an entire oligarchy.

Join Chris and B for a very special episode of "BACONATOR? I Barely Knew Her!" where we give Kiefer Sutherland a break and focus on the interminable Kevin Bacon. Was this the most fun the Baconator ever had filming a movie? Or was this one of his greatest regrets? OR WAS IT BOTH?! We smoke up and burrow down into the major romance and bromance envy, introduce the inaugural entry to the Monster Punching Club, and find what lengths Chang is willing to go to maintain his monopoly.

Join Chris and B as we share the joy and wonder that is 1993's Jurassic Park. What's more terrifying than a Tyrannosaurus Rex? The malfunctioning animatronic that played it! We smoke up and fall headfirst into what it truly means to "spare no expense," uncover the consistent theme of divorce (in every Jurassic movie), and include some behind the scenes/making of trivia!

Join Chris and B as we once again honor our namesake by watching his 1990 film "Flatliners." What could be worse than arrogant young doctors with God complexes dying? Arrogant young doctors dying, then being brought back to life and asserting that they are God. We smoke up and fall deep into the art of negging Julia Roberts, explore the merit of Oliver Platt, and discuss which is the most useless Baldwin.

Join Chris and B as we explore Joss Whedon's 2011 movie "Cabin in the Woods." Ever wonder why you're always screaming at people in horror movies for making terrible choices? This movie aims to answer that at every opportunity. We smoke up and dig deep into positive stoner representation, the free will of meat bags, and how to defeat a merman.

Join Chris and B as we delight over John Carpenter's "Halloween." Who knew the 70's could be so scary? Oh wait, yeah, I guess we all did. We smoke up then dive deep into Dr. Loomis' twisted therapy sessions, the art of decorating by Michael Myers, and question if Laurie Strode is Michael Myers' only weakness??

Join Chris and B for our first episode, as we talk about Kiefer Sutherland's own "The Lost Boys." Back in 1987, vampires didn't sparkle - hell, they didn't even turn you. Through the cunning use of peer pressure, they got you to turn yourself! We smoke up and break down the plot, vampire lore, and the growing urgency to learn how to do a pull up to save your own life.