Perfect Crimes

Boston's a pretty great city, aside from one huge problem--No Happy Hours.  Also, bars close at 2AM.  ALSO, where are all the opium dens?  Don't worry, concerned listener, Abby Evans has a solution for you.  That's right, we're bringing back the speakeasy back.  It's going to be the Roaring '20s all over again.  

He was almost a Marine and knows some pretty sick karate moves, so who better to discuss hitmen with than the one and only Jon Fletcher?  How did he lose half a finger?  Was it an operation gone wrong?  Listen to find out!  (BTW as long as you are NOT a rapist or pedophile this episode has absolutely nothing to do with you)

Beau and James (BJS for short) have always known their destiny--for James to die in a fiery car crash, trapped inside the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile as he's grilled alive in a grotesque display of barbecued irony.  Beau, of course, will be watching from a safe distance, cold beer in hand, because that's what good friends do.  How did we come to this Steinbeckian conclusion?  Only one way to find out--listen now!

We have the very funny Sarah Fitz on this week to discuss a matter of grave importance--the so-called "government" has banned yet another thing the people care about.  Box Turtle Farms.  You'll never guess what sort of criminal act she has in mind.  Sometimes you've gotta fight for your right to properly care for reptiles in an ideal setting.  

Local legend Tiny joins us to figure out the best possible way to destroy all student debt, but along the way we try to solve the mystery of who deleted the first episode we recorded with him.  Hint: It was Joe.  But only for non-sober reasons. 

The Fellas sit down with the one and only Big Thunk, who's here to share the details on how he became the mad genius we all know and love. #funny #bigthunk #bostoncomedy #worcester #newengland #blizzard #openingday

A lot of our greatest leaders started with a simple goal: complete control over who lives and who dies.  Their problem?  They thought too small.  Get the people involved, that's what Maz says.  Is he a great democratic visionary, or the greatest democratic visionary of all time?  That's a story for history to tell.  

We've got a local favorite on to talk about his guiding light--Catch Me If You Can.  What a film. Oh yeah, Matt also wants to engage in some self-pleasure, while driving, but, look, everything else we talk about is E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y wholesome.  

WE'RE BACK--sorry for the break ya'll, but don't worry, we've got a great crime, er, total legal military action for everyone.  Ever wonder who's going to run Iran?  Every day it seems like someone new is in charge, for again, TOTALLY LEGIT, NOT WAR CRIME REASONS.  But this week we've got the man with the plan, the Ayatollah who will Aya-tell-ya, Terrance McCormack, and his super cool sidekick, the Robin to his Batman, the Balboa to his Creed, Nick Tocco. 

Some men want a license to kill, but Tyler doesn't need anything so grand.  He just wants to know how he can go whenever he needs to without the GD fuzz getting involved. 

Ever thought you could do a better job running the office than the bozos in charge?  Shaun and Brian are here this week because they feel the same way, only about the second largest city in New England.  Did someone say bloodless coup?  They did not.  

THIS WEEK, ON PERFECT CRIMES, TWO AMAZING THINGS.  First off, we've got a special guest host.  The one, the only, she's got the Hope Diamond on her somewhere--it's El Kennedy.  SECOND, we've got a great episode for you.  Local favorite Frank Allen stops by to get advice on heisting.  Guess what?  He came to the right place.  

Talk about wish fulfillment.  Since she was young El has had a love/hate relationship with the largest diamond in the world, so it makes sense she would come to us to figure out how to steal it.  I just HOPE she does something productive with it, unlike that old lady in Titanic.  

THIS WEEK, ON PERFECT CRIMES--CLOWN PEOPLE, BUTTS, AND INSURANCE FRAUD!  WE'VE GOT IT ALL!  Brieana Woodward and Al Christakis join us to figure out how get MAXIMUM VALUE for Al's derrière.  The secret ingredient to this scheme?  Crime. 

Our good friend Patrick has some interesting plans for Mars, let me tell you.  And if you give us an opportunity to yuck Elon's yum, Perfect Crimes Inc. is going to take it.  

Look, we know.  Trump beat him to it.  That doesn't mean we don't have a great episode this week.  And besides, when the president does it, it's not a crime.  Big shout out to Nixon for that one.  

What do you do with a bunch of gay men that haven't called you back?  Straight to jail.  What if they were kind of rude to you on that one date?  Believe it or not, jail.  We help Matt Hayden Gone Girl every man that's ever even sorta kinda wronged him right to--you guessed it--jail.  

I'm going to level with everyone--we were all going to a Christmas party after this and I had too many martinis to tell you exactly what happens during this episode.  I know we said funny stuff during this episode, probably, but god help me if I can remember any of it.  Adam Melvin definitely has a crime that involves pitting aquatic creatures together for sport, I think, and I'm as excited as all of you to find out what that means exactly.  Jesus do I have a drinking problem?  Zach Morin guest hosts for the first 15 minutes and I didn't know that until I went back to edit this episode.  Eh, it's fine.  It's the holidays.   

Who says Robin Hood can't look like Ron Jeremy?  We help JP Dexter plan out exactly how he'll use unguarded Door Dash orders to make the world a better place.  Still from the rich, give to the hungry, maybe make a few dollars along the way.  It's a Perfect Crime, people.  

We've all thought about it.  Just how would you steal John Stamos' hair?  We help consult one of our baldest friends, Jason Fishman, on a plan to finally get away with this follicular heist.  

On a very special episode of Perfect Crimes, we sit down to talk with Ethan Cannon about his legendary Boston comedy feud with Matt Jarvis, and how--wait, my GOD, is that Matt Jarvis' music?!

Just when Buckingham Palace thought it was safe to let its guard down, out of nowhere comes the Black Irish Republican Army, formed by two generals from two of England's greatest historical foes: Ireland and Ghana.  Watch out for those "eggs," Charlie boy. 

Nate Hilli is one of those rare geniuses that saves mankind from a great evil, much like Jonas Salk or Martin Luther King Jr. Instead of polio or racism though, it's dolphins.  

Who amongst aspiring stand-ups hasn't wanted a little extra stage time?  Terrance just takes things to their logical conclusion, you know, an island-based cult where he headlines every night.  Get in line, Mulaney.  

Nick Tocco has a big problem with the choices Hollywood has made lately.  We're looking at you, Ryan Murphy.  How's he going to fix it?  Make 'em an offer they can't refuse.  

On a very spoOoOoky episode of Perfect Crimes--we have the very funny Liz Miller on to hear about her troubles with men and bad friends, all stories with one very spoOoOoky goal--vengeance.  

An episode for anyone who's ever wanted to make a professional sports team but has lacked the talent, the athleticism, the ambition, the height, really everything needed to succeed as a pro athlete.  How do we make Brandon's dream real?  You guessed it.  Crime. 

You know how sometimes you set out with best of intentions to end homelessness, and then end up with a gang of armed youths that do your authoritarian bidding?  Boy, who of us hasn't been there before, right?  Anyway, we help Leke do that this week.  

Andrew Balestieri is a simple man with a simple goal--free all of the captive creatures at SeaWorld, form a bond with them through mind control technology, and one day end up King of the Ocean.  He came to the right guys to make his dream come true.  

Mark McCalman wants the greatest collection of jerseys this side of the Mississippi.  You know how you get that?  Mime work and dedication. 

On the latest episode of Perfect Crimes, we help Boston favorite Maddie Kelly with a three part plan.  Step 1: Train a bunch of billionaire's assistants on how to seem helpful while secretly undermining their employers.  Step 2: Get them hired by as many billionaires as possible.  Step 3: Activate a sleeper cell of professionally incompetent workplace assassins.  You know, girl stuff.  

Boston comedian Nicholas Stubblefield comes to Perfect Crimes looking for help with a pretty normal thing--what's the most flags we can burn? 

This week on Perfect Crimes, we help the very funny Sky Nockels plan her perfect crime--burning down Harvard's Art Museum.  Sometimes destruction is an act of creation, or something? 

On this episode--bank robberies, holograms, and a very special crime involving our favorite criminal president and our favorite local criminal, Gary Bolles.  How do you get Trump to pay for your retirement?  Listen Now!

This week on Perfect Crimes, we help Alexis Cristaldi perfect her brand of cyber vigilantism.  Don't worry, she's only going after people who deserve it: the ones who don't laugh at her jokes.  She might not be the hero we need, but she's certainly the one we deserve.  

On the newest episode of Perfect Crimes, Paul Ober gets advice on how to break Luigi Mangione out of jail.  Spoiler alert, it involves some sick helicopter action.  But before that, hear him tell the Legend of the Dwarf Assassin, wherein young Paul survives a night with the Latin Kings.  

Improv Asylum's Kellie Moon stops by for advice on how to get a good, long look at Marilyn Monroe's corpse, Scooby-Doo style.

We help comedian Zach Morin plot the gayest heist of the century--stealing Van Gogh's Starry Night from the MOMA.

Beau Brassard comes to us with a simple request: Help him kidnap every living president so we can finally get to the bottom of what's going on in this damn country.

Nate Hanet and Joe Jensen are the premier criminal consultants in the Boston area.  Listen to them as they help their clients plan their perfect crimes.  Follow @perfectcrimespod on Instagram and TikTok and subscribe on Youtube or wherever you listen to your podcasts.  New episodes released every Tuesday.