Hot Mess Express

Leonard Snart is a bad guy in the DC universe. He can be seen on The Flash and on Legends of Tomorrow. Yet there is a softer, good side to Snart that shows up from time to time. In a recent episode of The Flash, he offers some sage advice to young Barry Allen about what it takes to pull off a successful heist. He says there are 4 steps to a successful plan: * Create the plan * Execute the plan * Expect the plan to go off the rails * Throw away the plan In this episode of the podcast I discuss how we all follow Snart’s first two steps and how successful people make their bones in steps 3 and 4. Being flexible about your methods for success allows you to adapt to all the crap life throws at you. Sometimes the best bit of advice is: Be stubborn about your goals, but flexible about your methods. Truly successful people are able to improvise, adapt, and overcome. They don’t quit when things get hard and if one plan fails, they move on to another. Just like a successful thief, you, too, can learn to be flexible on your way to your goals.   Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express iTunes Stitcher Tune.In Player.FM

There’s a scene in Dead Poet’s society where Robin Williams talks about the purpose of language and how words and ideas can change the world. In this scene, he relays this bit of wisdom: The purpose of language is to woo women. Now, in the context of the movie that makes perfect sense as they’re talking about poetry. Yet, in today’s world, that bit of movie wisdom holds true. Unfortunately, though, most people have forgotten how to communicate with power, precision, and emotion. We’ve gone from the language of poets to the simple minded idiocy of speaking text. The ability to communicate, to use the full power of language, is a lost art. We now speak to convey as much information as we can in as little verbal effort as possible. Don’t get me started on the written word, as our society’s ability to convey complex thoughts and emotions has been replaced by clickbait headlines and hyperbole. Language is the key to being successful. Not only in wooing women, but in business, in sales, and in life in general. What good is it if you have the solution to one of mankind’s greatest challenges if you can’t effectively communicate it? The Three Languages There’s 3 basic languages, or communication styles, that are most commonly used. These are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Now, if you don’t know which one you are, think of a memory that elicits a strong emotion and then describe it. If you use visual words, you speak visually. Sound words mean you are an auditory. Feeling words mean you’re kinesthetic. The key to powerful communication is understanding not only how you speak but also how the person you’re communicating speaks. So, if you want to stand out, increase your vocabulary. Amplify your language. …and for God’s sake, quit speaking text! Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express iTunes Stitcher Tune.In Player.FM

Redemption Scripture tells us that all things can be redeemed. Even if in life it seems like there’s no way that’s possible. Redemption in personal relationships, however, is a bit trickier. When relationships go south, 99.9% of the time no single party is at fault. It’s usually that same percentage in fractured relationships where one party refuses to see or admit their part. This makes redemption impossible. For relationships to be redeemed, both parties have to want it and both parties have to be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness. This is an episode from the archives, when I believed that the redemption of my relationship with my family was just around the corner. The date of this episode is June 2015. In the two years since, I’ve learned to accept the lessons I talked and taught about in this episode. In particular, that redemption has to be a two way street. Without both parties wanting and working at it, any attempt to redeem a relationship comes down to one party sacrificing and minimizing themselves to make the other party happy. It is, in essence, a form of control. If the other party doesn’t move from their position, humble themselves, admit their mistakes, and ask for forgiveness, then all of the softer language is only a form of manipulation. Forgiveness leading to redemption is a two way street. It’s the only way any relationship can ever be truly redeemed.

Integrity is defined as: * the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. * the state of being whole and undivided Society today has an integrity deficit. Instead of trading in truths, bullshit and lies are the currency of the times. It doesn’t matter if it’s in relationships, in the workplace, or on the teevee. There is a serious deficit of people who have integrity and are congruent. Nowhere is this more visible than in the political realm. Just today I caught the tail end of an interview with Dr. Gina Loudon. Her brand is built on honesty, truth, and being a psychological, political, and social commentator. Now, according to her bio she’s well educated. Yet in this interview 99% of what came out her mouth was bullshit and lies. Not little ones either. Big, flaming, disproved with 8 seconds on the Google lies. What does this say about her and her brand? What does this say about her expertise? Honestly, what it says is that her brand is not trustworthy and her expertise is a sham. Integrity Breeds Trust There’s an old saying that goes “all a man has is his word” and it’s true. All the awards and accolades you may have earned don’t mean shit if you people can’t trust you. This goes for relationships, in your career, and in building your own brand. While most anyone can bullshit their way to the top, it almost always comes crashing down. The title of this post comes from an old saying my Chief had back when I was in the navy. It is a commentary on being a standup guy and always being truthful. In today’s post truth world it’s especially relevant to be a person of integrity if you want to be a leader. When you have integrity and your congruent with your beliefs, people will look to you as the expert. True leaders have integrity. Con artists have bullshit and lies. Think of the last time someone tried you sell you a bill of goods. Did you feel like you could trust them, go into business with them, hire them, or date them? Probably not. In fact, when they were done you probably rolled your eyes and muttered to yourself what an asshole they were. Mark Twain once said “If you always tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything”. Tell the truth. Be a person of integrity. Always.

When you think of a “manly” movie it’s a pretty safe bet that Titanic doesn’t make the top 50. It’s universally thought of as a “chick flick” with almost no redeeming “manly” qualities about it. Yet when I think of it, I see it as not only a great love story, but Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jack exemplifies a lot of what a man truly is. Titanic starts out with Jack taking hold of his future by winning a card game. The rest of the movie he seeks to prove he’s more than his station in life. Yes, his life ends tragically by freezing to death in the ocean but for a few days he grabs the golden ring. Oh..and while, yes, there was room on the door for both, odds are the wood wasn’t buoyant enough for the weight of two people. I love that movie. In fact, I still own the two cassette VHS version. At one point I even had the framed movie poster hanging in my apartment. Did that make me ‘less of a man’? Hell no. It sure was a hell of a conversation piece, though. A Titanic Declaration The problem with the modern definition of masculinity is it is far too narrow. If something doesn’t fit into the tiny box, it’s considered ‘girly’. Too many men reject things that they like and enjoy because they don’t fit in the box. Quite honestly, that’s a shame. We’re allowing some artificial definition to determine the content and quality of our lives. I love a good movie love story. You’ve Got Mail, Notting Hill, Titanic, and Love Actually are all movies I enjoy. Growing up I was always labeled the ‘sensitive one’. For years I buried my sensitivity to avoid the backhanded compliments about it. Doing so meant I was never comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t until I embraced that label that I really started coming into my own. Embrace All Of You There’s a line in “The Mask You Wear” that sums up what it means to be a 21st Century Man. Talking about doing things with your kids whatever you do is, by default, masculine. Whether it’s hunting and fishing, going on a nature walks, or cooking in the kitchen. Masculinity isn’t a black/white, either/or definition. So hang that Titanic poster in your house. If you love it, embrace that and be proud of it.

The Alpha Male as the ideal of what masculinity looks like in public needs to die. The days of Don Draper, Archie Bunker, and American Dad are over. In the last 40 years society has progressed so far, so fast, that men, in general, have moved into three camps: * Hypermasculine, uber aggressive men * Men who suppress their masculinity and embrace their femininity * Men in the middle wondering “where the fuck do I fit in?” Hypermasculine alpha males currently dominate male culture. It’s promoted in movies, television, advertising, and in many men’s coaching programs available today. The dominant definition of what it means to ‘be a man’ is defined by phrases like: * grow some balls * don’t be a sissy * don’t cry like a bitch * don’t be so damned sensitive In short, being a ‘real man’ means burying your feelings, reject your feminine side, and don’t have any feelings besides aggression and domination. It’s time to kill this representation of what it means to be a man before it kills us all. Redefining Masculinity Like the Yin-Yang symbol, redefining masculinity must be about balance and about embracing all the parts of you. Trying to live up to an impossible and undesirable standard of hypermasculinity can kill you. Over 6 million men every year report struggling with depression and the demographic with the highest suicide rates is men aged 40-44. Yes, middle aged men have the highest suicide rate by far, accounting for nearly 25% of all suicides. The alpha male ideal is a man who shoulders all the responsibilities of life and never asks for help. It’s a recipe for stress, health problems, broken relationships, addiction, and eventually an early death. When you add in the overly aggressive and confrontational nature needed, you needlessly create ever escalating levels of violence. More often than not, that never ends well. Blaze A New Path These are some of the lessons life taught me over the years. The lessons have been powerful and, at times, painful. I’ve done and said things that hurt myself and others pursuing the alpha male ideal. No more. Let’s redefine masculinity together. The world needs a new definition of what it means to ‘be a man’. Do it for your spouse, your partner, your children. The world needs you. Will you answer the call?  

There’s a scene in the Two Cathedrals episode of the West Wing where we see the first interactions of Mrs. Landingham and a young Jed Bartlet. In the scene, they’re discussing equal pay for women, a taboo topic for the time period, and she’s challenging Jed to challenge his father. Over Jed’s broken down car Mrs. Landingham says: Look at you. You’re a boy king. You’re a foot smarter than the smartest kids in the class. You’re blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now, you must have sensed it. Look, if you think we’re wrong, if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we’re right, and you won’t speak up ’cause you can’t be bothered, then, God, Jed, I don’t even want to know you. That scene says so much about the world today. It’s easy to profess what you believe, particularly on social media, by sharing pictures, typing ‘Amen’ or what have you. The difficulty comes in those times when it’s time to walk the walk. In times of crisis, people look for those who dare to lead. Now, I know some of my opinions aren’t popular. Life isn’t a popularity contest. It’s about being true to who you are and what you believe. Doing what you believe is hard when times are easy, and crushingly difficult when times are hard. I get that. The question you have to ask yourself is… ….can you live with betraying your principles? How will those who look to you as a leader view you once the dust settles? Will they see someone who stood for what they believed because it was right even if they don’t agree with you? Or will they see someone who sat on the sidelines because speaking up is hard? If you’re not willing to speak up when events challenge the beliefs you profess then “God, Jed, I don’t want to know ya”. Mrs. Landingham Wants You To Be Congruent A professor at Fuller Theological once said “Good theology works itself out in shoe leather”. What he meant was that it’s easy to profess your belief, but until you put it into action, it’s worthless. Being congruent, meaning what you say and what you do match, is missing from a good portion of society. We’ve become an ‘ends justify the means’ world where if we do it it’s ok, but it’s not if the ‘other guys’ do. It also means that there a plenty of people who profess to believe certain things, but their actions say different. My challenge to you is this. Work on being congruent. When there are opportunities to ‘put your money where your mouth is’, do it. If you see something that troubles you, that goes against everything you believe, say something or do something about it. In short, lead. Be the solution to the problems you see. Step up and take action. Speak out and let your voice be heard. It may not always be popular and you may incur the wrath of some of those who follow you. That’s ok. Life’s not about being popular. It’s about being true to who you are. And in the end, you’ll attract your tribe by being congruent and leading by your example. Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express

Being Wrong Isn’t A Bad Thing In this age of overwhelming ignorance, where people see opinions as being equal, being wrong is seen as something to be ashamed of. Not all opinions are equal and neither are all opinions valid. Sometimes, like the graphic says, you’re just fucking wrong. Yet we live in a world where fewer and fewer people are able to admit it. Nobody knows all things, nor are they an expert in all things. Some of our best learning lessons come from our being horrendously wrong. Owning up to where we’re wrong shows humility and a vulnerability that bridges divides. Only those who are invested in being right all the time would take offense. Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying “I destroy my enemies by making them into friends”. This saying isn’t just about being friendly with those who hate you, but about being able to admit you held an incorrect belief about them. We’ve all either gained or given bad first impressions in our lifetime. Perhaps it was a bad day, you or they were struggling with something, or maybe you were just distracted at the time. It’s easy to come off being rude.  It’s even easier to attribute your impression of someone else’s rudeness as being part of their personality. Be Wrong. Be Vulnerable. In order to bridge divides and to build solid relationships, you have to be vulnerable. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable. Yet it’s sometimes the only way to diffuse a tense situation. Vulnerability can lower the other person’s defenses and help bring about true understanding. So, the next time you’re wrong, just admit it. Don’t offer an explanation unless it’s asked for and don’t try to justify it. Just admit it. You’ll be amazed at how much healthier your relationships are and how much more productive conversations can be. [Tweet theme=”tweet-box-normal-blue”]Sometimes you’re just f*cking wrong.[/Tweet]   Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express iTunes Stitcher Tune.In Player.FM

A $40,000 Screwjob Yep. A screwjob. A little over 3 years ago I did the right thing and it ended up costing me, well my insurance company, $40,000. So, what do you do when doing the right thing ends up screwing you? Simple. You continue to do the right thing. There’s a saying that can be applied here: [Tweet theme=”tweet-box-normal-blue”]No good deed goes unpunished.  #FML  http://bit.ly/2gQNySM [/Tweet]   We’ve all faced this in our lives. Confronted with a situation where you either do the right thing or possibly get away with NOT doing the right thing, you choose to do the right thing. And you end up getting screwed. Oscar Wilde sure is a wise man and he sure knew what he was talking about. In the end, however, we all have to live with your choices and we all have to look at ourselves in the mirror every morning. The question is then, who do you want to see? Do you want to see someone who does the right thing even when nobody is watching or someone who doesn’t when nobody is watching? Personally, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and not have to feel ashamed. So, 3 years ago, after a very minor fender bender, I did the right thing. Even though the other person was completely unaware that I had bumped into her. This person ended up taking advantage of the incident and pulled a screwjob on my insurance company to the tune of $40,000. Your character is defined by what you do when nobody is watching. Some say the ends justify the means, but I say that is the beginning of a very dark path. It leads to the rejection of all morals and the justification of ANY means to bring about the desired end. What you do is your karma, what others do is theirs.   Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express iTunes Stitcher Tune.In Player.FM

Your Perspective Creates Your Reality From an outsider’s perspective, and by all objective measures, my 2016 should go down as a world record sized shit sandwich. Between  the seemingly never ending challenges with my family, the late year financial crunch, the dumpster fire of an election, and the stress and anxiety that came with it…I should be swimming in the bottom of a bottle of booze. Yet here it is, December, 3 weeks left in this year, and I am absolutely stoked and grateful for every single thing that’s happened this year. Yes, there have been challenging times, there are goals I didn’t reach, and there are plenty of failures and flops that left me beaten and bruised. I’m still standing strong and, as I reflect on everything that’s happened in the last 12 months, I realize I have made some kick ass progress…. I’ve learned a ton, experienced a bunch, and collected some incredible memories along the way. You see, folks, it’s all about perspective. You hear all the time that gratitude is everything, and it is. It absolutely is everything. Living with a sense of gratitude makes dealing with the dark times a bit easier. Your perspective is everything because what you focus on, you get more of. Focusing only on the bad things will bring you more bad things. Meanwhile focusing on the good things will bring you more good things. I know it all sounds kinda woo-woo, and there was a time when I didn’t believe it myself. Yet here I am, bruised and bloody, and still standing strong. Not only have I survived this year, I’ve grown and become much stronger. If I can survive this year, so can you. So finish out the year reflecting on all the awesome shit you’ve accomplished this year. Take stock of all you’ve learned and all you’ve experienced. Set your intention on where you want to go and what path you want to take. Do this, and 2017 won’t know what hit it. Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express Click HERE to subscribe on iTunes   Click HERE to subscribe on Tune.In Click HERE to subscribe on Player.FM

Thankfully the shitshow that was the 2016 American Presidential Election has ended. While the results are unexpected and, to many, disappointing, many things have become clear. One major thing is that there is an entire generation that, while heavily invested in the outcome, weren’t up to putting some skin in the game. Our society has reached a point where slacktivism has replaced actual activism, actual action, in effecting change in the world. Too many people are protesting without organizing, without being dedicated to the long term effort it takes to bring about change. Our society wants things to happen quickly…. 7 minute Abs, point/click/make a gagillion dollars…but lacks the discipline to put forth continuous effort day in and day out. As the old saying goes: [Tweet theme=”tweet-box-normal-blue”]If it’s important, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.[/Tweet] I heard too many excuses from people who wanted a certain outcome for the election but were ‘too busy’ to put their shoe leather to pavement. The only way things are ever going to change is to engage, physically engage, in your community and that requires you to put skin in the game. The same thing can be said for your own life. If you want things to change, it’s going to take action, discipline, and doing what you know you need to do especially on those days when you least feel like doing it. So, today’s lesson is, if you want to change the world, put down the phone, shut off the Netflix, and start pounding the pavement. Make it happen… Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express Click HERE to subscribe on iTunes Click HERE to subscribe on Google Play Click HERE to subscribe on Stitcher Click HERE to subscribe on Tune.In Click HERE to subscribe on Player.FM

One of the most common pieces of advice I’ve given over the last few years is this. If you want to be the expert, then be the expert. I also say that the key to being the expert lies in your being confident. Back when I was in the Navy, my adviser gave me the best piece of advice I’d heard: [Tweet theme=”tweet-box-shadow”]Answer confidently. Always. Even when you don’t know the answer. #SecondLife[/Tweet] Confidence in yourself is the key to being seen as the expert. If you come across as unsure, indecisive, or easily swayed, your credibility will be damaged. When people don’t see you as credible, they won’t see you as an expert. The key to building your confidence is simple: [Tweet theme=”tweet-box-normal-blue”]Decision + Action + Follow Through = Confidence[/Tweet] In order to get beyond the paralysis by analysis, begin making small decisions and then taking action. Decide what you want to eat and then eat it. Pick something out of the closet and wear it. For me, it started by simply putting my socks in the hamper and my shoes in the closet at the end of the work day. Little by little, these small decisions and actions will begin to build your confidence. Once you start building confidence in small things, you become more confident in bigger things. Decisions that seemed scary before become a little less scary. You’re willing to take more risks. You begin to get addicted to making progress. When that happens, your decision making becomes quicker, you begin to lead by example, and others begin to see you as the expert in your field. You become a leader simply by putting your socks in the hamper. Subscribe To The Hot Mess Express Click HERE to subscribe on iTunes Click HERE to subscribe on Google Play Click HERE to subscribe on Stitcher Click HERE to subscribe on Tune.In Click HERE to subscribe on Player.FM

In today’s instant communication, social media driven world, it seems that boundaries have become a thing of the past. We’ve lost the ability to set personal boundaries for discerning what’s for public consumption. People feel empowered to upload their thoughts and opinions on everything and even use social media to publicly shame others as a way to get attention. It seems like there’s nothing that’s off-limits anymore. That’s why setting boundaries is so important. Setting boundaries allows you to share what you want to share with the world without getting caught off-guard doing or saying something stupid. They help prevent gossip by denying the drama queens in your life juicy tidbits to spread. Boundaries also allow you to build the life you want without fending off the slings and arrows of those who don’t want to see you change. “if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.”   Don’t Be Afraid To Disappoint Others By setting boundaries, you’re going to disappoint some people. That’s just life. In fact, those who are going to be most disappointed are those who are heavily invested in keeping you the way they are. People don’t like to change. When you decide you’re going to change, those people realize the way they interact with you is going to change. That scares them. The boundaries you need to set are: * Distinguishing between public and private information * Determining levels of trust and relationship intimacy * Keeping the haters and nay-sayers at bay Setting these simple boundaries keeps you focused on who you’re becoming and the life you’re building. Life is too short to deal with bullshit distractions. Related articles Self Care: Part I – Setting Boundaries and Letting Go 4 Reasons Why Boundaries Are Important (and how to implement them) – Feel The Sunlight | Feel The Sunlight Raising kids in the digital world

In the last 24 hours, Colin Kaepernick has become the whipping boy for a good portion of America. What what his crime? Not standing for the National Anthem. That’s it. When the anthem was played at this weekend’s San Francisco 49ers preseason game, Kaepernick found a spot among the Gatorade coolers and sat quietly. Judging by the reaction of the sports world, and society in general, you’d have thought he dug up Vince Lombardi’s body and peed on it at the 50 yard line. After the game, he was asked why he didn’t stand. He said: “”I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color,” Kaepernick told NFL Media’s Steve Wyche, confirming Pro Football Talk’s original report. “To me, this is bigger than football, and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.” – ESPN“ The thing that’s being missed, I believe, is that there is nothing incorrect in what he said. In fact, as Ian O’Connor said in the same article “African-American athletes are often asked (unfairly, perhaps) to speak out on social issues and, well, Kaepernick just did. If you don’t like what the man did or said, that’s your prerogative.” It’s true. We often demand that people of color comment on social issues. And when their comments make us uncomfortable, we turn them into pariahs. America is funny that way. America just celebrated the life of Muhammad Ali. In 1967 he was asked about the Vietnam War. When he spoke out against it, he was stripped of his title and his license to box. Dr. King spoke out against injustice and knew he was risking everything, including his life. He was vilified as anti-American, smeared as a communist, arrested, beaten, and eventually killed for his beliefs. I’m not saying Kaepernick is on the level of an Ali or Dr. King. Not by a long shot. He is, however, walking in the footsteps of the giants who came before him. Colin knew what the risks were, and he still had the courage to speak his mind. Dr. King believed that the biggest roadblock to justice was not the openly racist segregationist, but the white moderate who agreed with him. The white moderate who “is more devoted to order than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can’t agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically feels that he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by the myth of time; and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a “more convenient season.” As Jim Hightower once said, there’s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos. Don’t be a dead armadillo. Speak up…the world needs more trouble making Hot Messes.

In the span of about 60 hours this week, I had two distinctly different customer service experiences. One experience ended up ensuring they had a customer for life, while the other ensured they’d lost a customer forever. On Wednesday this week, my oldest daughter and I went to dinner at a local TGIFriday;s. Now, I like Friday’s. I like their food, the vibe, the happy hour specials. Our family has been a customer of theirs for years. On this night, however, the ridiculously poor service ensured that neither I nor my family would be going back to their restaurant again. Long story short, the place wasn’t busy, maybe half a dozen tables had people, yet we had to wait an inordinate amount of time for our server to come by and after he took our orders, he never once came back to see if we needed another drink, if the food was good…anything. On the other side, this Thursday I brought home some Sam Adams beer. While making dinner, one of the bottles just randomly exploded in the box. I sent Sam Adams a tweet, along with the lot number, just as an FYI in case they had a bad batch go out. Within 18 hours, not only did they respond, but issued me a refund for the beer I had bought, no questions asked. That’s the kind of service that ensures someone is a customer for life. Now, your goal in life is to seek to serve others and that can take many forms. The question is, though, does your level of service ensure you’ll keep them as a customer or does your service risk losing a customer for life? Announcement The Hot Mess Express podcast is moving…although if it’s done right, most of you will not really notice as the feed should automatically redirect. I’m launching my own coaching business at Second Life Coaching and this podcast is going to be the official podcast of the new venture. I’m going to offer various levels of personal and group coaching, along with a signature 60-90 day personal development program guaranteed to get you on the road to the life you truly desire. If you’re curious as to what it’s about, shoot me an email at [email protected] with questions or to schedule a complimentary consulting call via skype.

You are a badass unicorn. There is nobody on this planet that is you-er than you and not one single soul will use your unique talents and gifts the way that you do. So, why do you spend your time begging you and everyone else around you to think that you’re a loser? Self deprecating humor is asking everyone to think of us as a loser. And not in the loveable “Charlie Brown” kind of way, but at the pathetic member of the group that has nothing to offer except to be a walking punchline. Making yourself into a joke is one of the most effective means of self-sabotage in our repertoire. Whether we think it’s true or not, our subconscious mind takes it in as the truth and adds that to the filter through which we see life. Being able to laugh at ourselves is important. Constantly taking life way too seriously imparts the belief that there’s no room in life for joy, mirth, or just plain goofiness. I don’t know about you, but hanging out with people who take themselves way too seriously just sucks the air out of the room and the will to live right out of me. You, my friend, are a badass unicorn. You are glorious, fabulous and goofy as fuck, You fart rainbows, crap skittles, and pee glitter. You are unique and beautiful.

Your Inner Child Is A Dumbass A serious dumbass. Think back to all the things you did as a kid, and soon you’ll realize what a dumbass you really were. Curious? Yes. Playful? Yes. And in a lot of ways, dumber than shit. When I was a kid I didn’t realize you shouldn’t unscrew an electric outlet while it still had power. Although I did learn that lesson very quickly when I got shocked and thrown down a set of stairs. Psychology teaches that our beliefs that shape our worldview are imprinted in out subconscious by the time we reach our teen years. The things we learn, the examples we see, the things we believe, they’re all installed into your life’s operating system before you get your driver’s license. So, let me ask you this. If, when you look back, you realize what a dumbass you were as a kid…. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LET THAT KID RUN YOUR LIFE?? That dumbass kid is like the Wizard of Oz, the man behind the curtain controlling how to interact and respond to the world around you. Seriously. Every. Single. Limiting. Belief. Was imprinted on you by the time you reached your 10th birthday. Upgrade Your Operating System If you want to be successful, want a healthy relationship, and are tired of being scared of going for your dreams, then, Dorothy, it’s time to let Toto rip back the curtain and reveal the fraudster that’s been running your life. You’ve always had the power. You just had to learn it for yourself – Glinda The Good Witch You have the power to change your life. Your inner child is a great reminder to play and enjoy being present in the moment, but really doesn’t know shit about how to run your life. Hey… the Hot Mess Express podcast is now available on: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play and Player.FM. Don’t just ‘think about it’…subscribe today.

Blame Elegantly Blame. It’s the great excuse maker. It’s so simple to point your fingers at other people, other circumstances, and blame them for your life sucking the way it does. Blaming absolves you of taking responsibility for having made the crap decisions that brought you to this point. This weekend, I watched the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix “I Am Not Your Guru”. During one of the filmed interventions, he told a young woman that if she was going to blame her dad for all the bad shit in her life, she damn well better blame him for all the good stuff, too. If her dad was the person she wanted him to be, and they had the relationship she wished they’d had, she wouldn’t be half the person she is today. When you assume…. It’s easy to put our own assumptions on other people and say that ‘they should have known better’ or that ‘they CHOSE not to behave differently’, when the fact is that people can only operate with the tools they have in their box. When you quit assuming that other people would make the same choices, choose the same behaviors as you and accept that 99% of the people in our lives are simply doing the best they can with the tools they have…forgiveness and acceptance come easy. And yet there’s times when people desire to change, yet they simply don’t have the tools, the resources, the support they need to make those changes. They want to change, they just simply don’t know how or even where to start. Every single one of us is unique. We all have our learned patterns and behaviors. Every single relationship and every interaction shapes our worldview. We learn what we want and what we don’t want out of life through every interaction with others. If you’re going to blame others for all the bad shit in your life, you damn well better blame them for the good shit, too.   Hey… the Hot Mess Express podcast is now available on: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play and Player.FM. Don’t just ‘think about it’…subscribe today.

Nostalgia Is A Bitch Nostalgia is a seductive liar that smooths all the rough edges of your past.  Do you ever look back on your past memories and longingly wish things could ‘be like they used to be’? Do you wish you could rekindle an old relationship because you’re sure they were ‘the one that got away’? That’s nostalgia talking. It’s you longing for an imaginary past that never existed. Oh boy, when you’re dead, you don’t take nothing with you but your soul – John Lennon There’s a running gag in my family that is built around my grandfather driving off to heaven in his 1970’s Gold Mercury Montego, all of his belongings packed in the trunk, shouting “Who says you can’t take it with you!” as he disappears into the sky. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with people and relationships in our past. Sometimes that can be a good thing. Sometimes, though, it can be awful. You’re not the same person you were 10, 20, 30 years ago and neither are they. Your relationship won’t be as you remembered. When you’re creating the life you want, sometimes it’s best to leave those memories collecting dust in a box in your garage, and sometimes it’s best if you just throw them away. My grandfather (in my dad’s dream) may have asked “Who says you can’t take it with you?” The answer is nobody…but sometimes, why the hell would you want to? Hey… the Hot Mess Express podcast is now available on: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play and Player.FM. Don’t just ‘think about it’…subscribe today.

Every year, over 6 million men suffer from depression. Even so, it’s still one of those things that we just don’t talk about enough. Too many men struggle year in and year out in silence because society has taught us to believe that if we admit we’re struggling, we’re some how less of a man. As someone who has struggled with depression for almost 20 years now, I can say, with confidence, that that’s utter bullshit. Suffering in silence is the WORST thing you can do. Suffering in silence can lead to: Health problems Damaged relationships Troubles on the job Financial problems In fact, suffering in silence can make things even worse. I’ve struggled with this on and off for a couple decades…and perhaps even longer. Over the years I’ve learned: how to manage the ups and downs, how to recognize when a downswing is coming, and how to positively affect my mental state to lessen the severity and length of a downswing. Changing your physical state can greatly impact your mental state. It’s not as simple as it sounds, as it takes intention and sometimes sheer white knuckle tenacity to do so. For me, things that help me change my state are: Going for a walk Hitting the gym for an extra session Focusing on my posture while I’m sitting or standing Getting out in the sun Activities like this help me better manage my mental state. Oh, and if you listen to the end, you’ll find out why I tell noted theologian Richard Rohr to suck it. Hey… the Hot Mess Express podcast is now available on: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play and Player.FM. Don’t just ‘think about it’…subscribe today. Send to Kindle