The Rivers of my Life Podcast

Hello readers, I have an exciting update for you, and perhaps one I should have shared sooner. Part of my procrastination is due to the fact that I have a one-track mind, and my thoughts on climate change were so close to the surface that I felt I had to strike while the iron is hot, as they say. But to be honest, part of the procrastination was due to the fact that as much as I had been eagerly anticipating this event, I was in a weird emotional state afterward that I didn’t expect, and therefore wasn’t sure how to write about it.The big news is that on May 12, in a commencement ceremony that began at 3:30 in the afternoon, I officially graduated with a certificate in Christian Studies from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. I find it quite ironic and fitting that this certificate which the pandemic inspired me to seek was formally issued the day after the United States officially declared the pandemic emergency behind us, symbolically marking, for both the country and me, the close of one chapter and the beginning of a new, uncertain one.I did not actually attend the ceremony in-person. Given that I took all of my courses online, I did not feel a personal connection to the campus like I did when I graduated from Carroll University, and I think this would have made it especially awkward to ask for assistance with the logistics like finding my way across the stage. But my name was called out on the livestream as someone graduating in absentia. The funny thing was, since they didn’t know me either, they mispronounced my last name, but that’s alright. I had lots of company though, with several names I recognized from my classes also graduating in absentia. In one sense, it felt strange, like something important was missing by not attending in-person. I completely understand why high school and college students who had no choice but a virtual commencement during the pandemic were sad. There is something special about dressing up in the cap and gown, the pageantry of processing in, and moving the tassel on your cap from right to left, about hearing your name called, walking across the stage and hearing friends and loved ones cheer for you. I do worry about what might be lost with the trend toward online college degrees if everyone in future generations gets an education disconnected from the history and tradition of campus life topped off with commencement. Also, given that I think the video of the ceremony will be available at least until next May, it didn’t seem necessary to ask family to block off the commencement ceremony time on the calendar, so I believe Grandma had a doctor appointment my parents drove her to while I tuned in to commencement from my bedroom. But that evening when they got home, Mom made one of my favorite dinners, taco meat and refried beans over cauliflower rice, and I told them all about the ceremony, so I still felt as though the day was special.It was a joyful but dignified ceremony. Graduates processed into the chapel to the traditional graduation processional played on the organ, two readings were selected—Isaiah 55:8-12 and 2 Timothy 4:1-8—and the congregation sang a couple hymns, also played on the organ. I wish I could tell you which hymns, but they were not hymns I was familiar with. A print program from the ceremony was mailed to me along with the leather diploma cover for my official certificate, which was mailed separately and arrived July 1. The names and lyrics of the hymns are probably listed in the print program, but I could not find a digital copy of the program. But that is alright. What matters is they were beautiful. The ceremony actually reminded me more of the Catholic mass I attended every week growing up, than the evangelical worship I had gotten used to with modern songs and a praise band, but I found this solemn style refreshing. But the best part of the ceremony was the keynote address, given by Sanji Lukas, a 1992 graduate of Trinity, and the founder of Reaching India Ministries International. I think he also spoke at our church for HarvestFest last October.White American pastors give excellent, biblically sound sermons, but international speakers take preaching and Christian devotion to a whole new level, perhaps because persecution of Christians—real, brutal persecution, not the persecution Christian nationalists say Christians in America face when they cannot say Merry Christmas or display the ten commandments in a government building—is rampant in the global south, and much of the global south is still unreached by the gospel. When I was a new Evangelical, I was familiar with the concept of people struggling with figurative demons like alcoholism or pride, but I found it strange at first when international speakers would mention that loved ones had once been literally possessed by demons, which Sanji Lukas talks about in his speech. He also talks about a member of his family miraculously healed from epilepsy in Trinity’s chapel. You just don’t really hear about literal demon possession or miraculous healing happening in America. But a pastor once explained that because these parts of the world face persecution and have limited if any access to the Bible, God intervenes supernaturally to reach people through visions and miraculous healing, and the devil works harder in these parts of the world too.Sanji Lukas outlined four seeds necessary for fruitful ministry. We must preach the word, trusting in the sufficiency of God’s word, and believing in the power of the gospel to change lives. We must pray earnestly because prayer is how Paul was able to do great things despite many challenges, and because prayer purifies the heart and protects us from the devil’s schemes. We must partner with others because ministry in isolation is unbiblical and dangerous. Finally, we must persevere with great confidence because while challenges today have caused many to give up on ministry, we are called to suffer and persevere knowing that at the proper time, we will reap a harvest (Galatians 6:9). I have summarized the gist of his speech here to preserve the memory of it because after next year’s commencement ceremony, this video may no longer be available, but if you are reading this before May 2024, I strongly encourage you to listen to his speech, as his delivery is amazing, and like I said, you just don’t get that level of passion and sincerity from white American pastors.But getting back to my weird emotional state, this state was actually not at all simply due to forfeiting the pageantry of in-person commencement. In fact, I wonder if had I attended commencement in-person, I might have been distracted by the pageantry, thinking about walking across the stage, the celebration with family afterward, that I might not have paid as close attention to Sanji Lukas’s speech. My weird emotional state was due to the fact that when I decided to pursue this certificate during the pandemic, I sensed God calling me to some kind of ministry. I knew after taking the Spiritual Formation class in 2021 that I did not want to be a pastor, as I read several chapters in this class about church growth and how to stay spiritually grounded and healthy in this demanding vocation that just left a bad taste in my mouth. I thought I might be suited to chaplaincy, but sensed God whispering this may not be a good fit for me every time I visited Granny in the nursing home. So as much as I enjoyed these courses and the much deeper understanding and appreciation for the Bible which I have gained from them, I felt just as unsure of God’s calling for my life as I did when I started, but the longing to do something besides work a secular job and live a comfortable, privileged life was now even stronger than ever. But then on June 11, the sermon in church was on the Parable of the Lost Sheep, and the pastor used as one of his illustrations, a story of how years ago on a family vacation, him and his wife were terrified when they realized they had lost track of their young daughter. She was quickly found, happily looking at something in a shop window, and didn’t even seem to realize she was lost. With this illustration, all of the passionate essays I have written about social justice issues and the alarming number of Christians who support policies that are not Christian at all came to mind, and I sensed God might be whispering to me, “why don’t you make that your ministry? All of those Christians who subscribe to the dangerous ideology of Christian nationalism are like lost sheep who do not realize they are lost. Of course, only God knows what is in each person’s heart, and I believe God is more than capable of sorting out who are the true wolves in sheep’s clothing, and who are the innocent victims of these wolves whose hearts are good but who don’t realize they have been misled. Traditionally, Christian missions have focused on those in need of salvation, those who are unreached or have never heard the gospel, or on people who grew up going to church but never made a personal commitment to follow Christ. This prioritization is understandable because once someone has accepted Christ, their salvation is secure. Once we have accepted Christ, we should do our best to turn away from sin, but the reality is, we live in a fallen world and will always be works in progress this side of heaven. If the occasional racist comment or nationalistic attitude were all it took to lose your salvation, no one would qualify for heaven, and in fact it is because we are all undeserving of salvation that Christ came and sacrificed his life for the sins of the world. But I believe biblically sound churches who recognize that Christian nationalism is not really Christian at all but don’t want to offend anyone by addressing this issue directly are making a mistake because these innocent sheep who have been led astray are giving Christianity a bad name, making it uninviting to a watching world, especially young people, and in this way are indirectly preventing many from coming to Christ and receiving salvation. My heart also breaks for these lost sheep because they are not strangers from some distant land. They are our friends, neighbors, Bible study classmates, members of our extended family. They are people we know and love, nice people who you can count on to pray for you, and support you in a time of need. And yet they have been led astray by partisan media that is very slick and almost sounds Christian, but is anything but when you listen more closely.Our church recently hired a new senior pastor, and he delivered his first sermon on July 9. It was an excellent sermon which he used to outline his values and vision for our church. One of his insights was that we need to be a church of engagement rather than entitlement. There was a time when Christianity was the only show in town, and the church was often the tallest building in town. This is no longer the case, but rather than lamenting or fighting this reality, we must engage with the culture, present the gospel in a winsome, compelling way. When he said this, it occurred to me that at the root of Christian Nationalism is an attitude of entitlement. Rather than engage in the slow but ultimately rewarding work of presenting the gospel in a loving, winsome way to one friend, neighbor, coworker at a time, Christian Nationalism seeks to use the power of the state to impose Christianity on society, dishonoring the beautiful concept of religious liberty that this country’s founders intended, and distorting the Christian gospel in the process. This sermon inspired me to send him a letter asking if the church might partner with me in facilitating a life group that directly addresses this ideology. Christians Against Christian Nationalism has a free curriculum based on a podcast series they hosted on the subject, or the class could be a sort of book club as I have read several excellent books on this subject, including Twelve Lies that Hold America Captive, which I wrote about here. I am still waiting to hear back from him, but Mom cautioned me not to be discouraged if the church says no as they may not want to do anything controversial like this. I also recognize that I may be a bit full of myself, freshly graduated from a renowned seminary with a Certificate in Christian Studies, so I will have the humility to accept that church leaders with more education and life experience may have perspective that I don’t have. But regardless of whether or not the church supports me facilitating a life group, I felt inspired to start a blog, Lost Sheep in the Church. It is my goal to post to this blog once a week. The posts on this blog will be much shorter than what I write here. There are a lot of writers on this subject far more qualified than I am who have written excellent, academic essays on the subject, most notably Red Letter Christians, but my aim is to provide bite-size food for thought, in a casual, accessible tone. I also promised that this blog would not be overtly political, as Jesus was neither a Democrat nor a Republican, and all earthly governments fall far short of God’s righteous standards. Donald Trump is merely an extreme manifestation of an ideology that can be traced back to 1630, and this ideology unfortunately will most likely persist long after Donald Trump and those like him are out of the picture. I recognize that only God has the power to change hearts, and that this little blog is the David against the Goliath of partisan media. But what a privilege it would be if I could play a small part in restoring Christianity’s reputation in this country, gently guiding lost sheep back to the true Christianity, and in the process, making the gospel compelling again in our pluralistic culture. I encourage you to check it out, and if you know of any friends, neighbors, family that might benefit, feel free to share it with them. And if you are Christian, please pray for my little ministry, most importantly, that my blog never takes on a self-righteous, judgmental tone, a temptation I fear I could succumb to. Who knows. Maybe if I and like-minded Christians preach the true gospel, pray, partner with one another and persevere, we can bring about the revival of Christianity that evangelicals dream of. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

So how do we live in harmony with one another, and the orchestra of Creation, over whom God is the Conductor? It is true that we cannot continue business as usual. I remember a teacher in high school citing a statistic that if everyone lived as decadently as we do in the West, we would need something like 4.5 planets. And yet, people in developing countries, understandably aspire to live as comfortably as us, and their resentment of policies that penalize their carbon emissions when the West had free reign to develop unrestricted for hundreds of years is understandable too. But the fact is, the effects of climate change do not respect borders or care about geopolitics. Given our better understanding of climate change and how our behavior has contributed to it, we in the West need to repent for the culture of consumerism we developed, and we all need to put politics and grievances aside and find a way to move forward toward a more sustainable future together. To incorporate another analogy, we all need to go on a diet, curtail our gluttonous consumerism and figure out what we actually need to thrive. I believe we can survive, even thrive with less.But what I found when I changed the way I eat is that it has not meant a life of misery, tiny, unsatisfying portions of gross food. I like to think of Glenn Beck's dystopian view of environmental restoration as this kind of diet. Despite all of the evidence that climate change is a real existential threat, Christian Nationalists like him view climate change as nothing more than a conspiracy for government control. Antihumanists by contrast, recognize that climate change is a real threat, but feel that our condition is so hopeless we should just do our best to get through life, hope maybe a catastrophe like a more virulent global pandemic will put us out of our misery sooner, and make sure not to procreate and subject future generations to a life of misery on this earth we have so devastated. Transhumanists hope that we might develop artificial intelligence technology smarter than us (another spiritual rant I am saving for another post), or maybe we can figure out how to colonize Mars. But to colonize Mars, we would need man-made technology to supply our own oxygen, grow food further from the sun and protect ourselves from the much colder climate, and after the recent tragedy with the submarine that imploded, should we really entrust the future of humanity to these billionaire "innovators?" And even if we figure out how to colonize Mars with reliable technology, but our greedy human hearts have not changed, wouldn't we ultimately figure out how to exploit Mars to the point that it also becomes uninhabitable? Transhumanists are like the person who acknowledges their problematic habits, but believes one day there will be a magic pill. Most of us in the West are like the person that knows we need to change, knows there will be no magic pill, at least not one without unintended consequences, but the details of exactly how to change our habits feel so daunting that we are always saying, "I will do better tomorrow," as we give ourselves a giant scoop of frozen chocolate custard with hot fudge on top.My eating habits still aren't perfect. Like many Americans, I got complacent with my portion sizes during the pandemic when I was home all the time, bored and anxious about what the future held. But the journey of changing the way I eat has been a sort of spiritual experience that has given me insights that I believe are relevant to the climate change discussion as well.When I took the course on the book of Genesis my first semester at Trinity, the final paper required students to identify one mission God sets out for humans in the book of Genesis, and trace it through the Bible. I chose Creation care. While reflecting on this subject filled me with passion, I was a bit overwhelmed by this assignment, the most demanding assignment I had done since my undergraduate capstone at Carroll University in 2012, and my brain was just barely recovering from the atrophy caused by working in the corporate world, so the research process exhausted me. The final week of the semester, my parents and I also had to make the difficult decision to put my sweet guide dog and companion for 12 years, Gilbert to sleep. He had been slowing down for a couple of years, so I had accepted that it was time to say goodbye, but after the procedure, I still had difficulty concentrating. It had also been so long since I had to cite scholarly sources and use footnotes that this process overwhelmed me as well. I felt inspired to open the paper with the first few lines of Colors of the Wind, a song from Pocahontas, but could not find any examples of how to cite songs in Trinity's library resources, so I know this was cited incorrectly. But I managed to submit my paper in the nick of time, and to my amazement, earned a 97%. I believe this professor showed grace and mercy, giving me a much higher grade than I deserved, but I think he could sense my passion, and he gave me excellent feedback on how to make my argument more compelling. He also recommended that I read Stewards of Eden by Sandra Richter, a seminary professor from Kentucky passionate about convincing Christians that Creation care is a biblical mandate. Since then, I got sidetracked by life, but finally at the end of last month, I read this book and it was excellent. In my paper, I directed most of my blame for Christian apathy toward the climate crisis to the bad influence of prosperity theologians who conflate material wealth with God's blessing. The professor pointed out that while it is certainly true that the prosperity gospel has had a terrible influence on Christianity, it is a straw man argument because there are a lot of Christians who reject this theology and yet don't recognize that Creation care is a biblical mandate. After reading this book, I finally understand what he was getting at. For example, most Christians are no different than most Americans in that we give little thought to the milk, eggs and meat we put into our grocery cart. We are merely the invisible consumer, looking for the best product at the lowest price. It is the seller's responsibility to worry about where the product originated and how it was produced. Personally, I avoid beef and pork because red meat (at least red meat tender enough to be tolerated by the rest of the family) is very fattening, sits like a cement block in the stomach, and has almost no nutritional value. The fact that cows produce a lot of methane is a bonus reason not to eat it. Chicken and turkey make up the bulk of my meat consumption with fish once or twice a week, and eggs for breakfast twice a week. Long before reading this book, I was aware of the inhumane conditions of factory farms that produce pretty much all of the chicken, turkey and eggs Americans eat, that I eat for enjoyment, and because it is necessary to consume animal products to obtain vitamin B12 naturally. But I am embarrassed to say the suffering of these animals really didn't break my heart: in fact I barely even thought about it. I suppose I viewed it as a necessary evil to provide enough food for the population. Besides, God permitted us to eat meat, and the Bible doesn't say much about the treatment of livestock. But Sandra Richter opened my eyes to the fact that actually, God has a lot to say, especially in Leviticus and Deuteronomy, about the treatment of livestock. Of course, factory farms were not an issue back in biblical times. In fact, the ancient Israelites would have been subsistence farmers, who barely grew enough to survive. Even so, God mandated that livestock be treated with dignity. The Israelites were commanded for example, to not muzzle their oxen while they worked, so that the oxen could enjoy some of the grain while threshing, even though every grain of wheat would have been precious to the Israelites. When animals were slaughtered, they had to be taken before the priest, to ensure that the animal's life had been considered. Slaughter was never to be done casually or thoughtlessly, and God required the manner of death to be as merciful as possible. Given the principles behind these laws, it is safe to assume that God is not pleased by the practices of factory farming. And these practices are not only cruel to the domestic animals and the bodies of water (which have been polluted by the disposal of their manure) in the orchestra of creation. They have been harmful to the harmony of the choir as well. Food borne illnesses are often traced back to these factory farms, and they have monopolized the production of food to such a degree that the family farm where livestock are treated humanely and raised in the natural, healthy manner God intended, is no longer economically viable, a reality that has been devastating to rural communities.I am reluctant to make any changes in where we buy meat during these hot summer months, but after reading this book, I feel compelled to look into joining a farm co-op that delivers meat directly from family farms. I had an extremely liberal, Atheist English professor in college who talked about how her family did this, but now I realize this is a practice that should not be stereo-typed as liberal. Conservative Christians should embrace it too. Will this mean that our meat costs more? Of course, and as a result, we will have to either eat fewer meals with meat or figure out how to stretch it. The practice of factory farming has allowed us to eat more meat, more cheaply than ever before in human history, and has given the developing world greater access to meat as well. But this has come at a devastating cost to our physical health in the West, and the health of God's Creation. But this doesn't mean curtailing all culinary pleasure, just redefining it. I have come to find--and this is the truth--that I feel more light and satisfied after a stir fry of cauliflower rice and vegetables with little bits of chicken for flavor, or my mom's cabbage soup with little bits of ground turkey in a wonderful blend of cabbage, spices and tomato sauce, than after a dinner that consists of the standard American hunk of meat.Genetically modified crops, especially wheat, have also been devastating to the land, and to human health. In fact, my childhood consumption of massive amounts of this wheat is probably the reason I have Celiac disease. It is too late for me this side of Heaven, but if you don't have Celiac disease, I urge you to pay more for the hippy-stereotype breads that are made from the natural wheat our great-grandparents ate. It may mean fewer servings of bread in your diet, but your body and the Earth will thank you, and when Christ returns to redeem all Creation, I look forward to eating warm, fresh-baked bread again.Finally, I agree that God does want us to prosper, but his idea of prosperity is completely at odds with the material prosperity championed by prosperity theology, a dangerous marriage of American capitalism with God's supposed blessing. I think we need to recognize that some of our customs that bring us pleasure in this world are just so hedonistic and over-the-top that they need to be abandoned. One of my favorite treats, and one that can easily be adapted to be gluten free, was a warm, fudgy, chocolate brownie in a bowl with a heaping scoop of chocolate ice cream on top. Just writing about it makes me hungry. But after eating this decadent dessert, my stomach felt heavy and sometimes I would even feel a little sweaty or shaky, so it did a terrible number on my blood sugar. Some will say, "oh come on. You're allowed to have a treat now and then." But the thing is, I don't think God ever intended for us to eat the processed sugar that is so ubiquitous in our society, even as a treat. Processed sugar is a product that companies intentionally designed to be addictive, to keep you coming back for more to maximize profit. For our great-grandparents, a treat was the summer harvest of fresh strawberries, or the apples in Fall. We need to respect the temple of our bodies (1 Corinthians 3:16-17) and God's Creation by returning to this mindset. While I believe I will get to enjoy bread again, a food that was once a natural, healthy food that can be traced back to Bible times, I believe that even after our resurrection, I will not be eating warm chocolate brownies with ice cream on top, and won't even want one. Such a craving is merely a sinful desire of my heart in this world, a decadence unimaginable and unavailable for most of human history. But this gluttony is also found in our culture's insistence on a new phone every year, a new car every three years on average, and especially the fast-fashion industry, which I knew exploited women and children in third-world countries whom our culture unfortunately views as less valuable members of the choir. But I did not realize until watching an expose recently--I think it was on 60 Minutes--that fast fashion has also devastated the environment. Did you know for example that every year for big events like the Superbowl, millions of shirts are produced in advance of the event proclaiming both possible outcomes. After the game, the victory shirts for the team that ended up losing are sent overseas, supposedly to help the poor, but it is more than these countries can handle, so these clothes often end up in landfills. So we basically inundate third-world countries with our trash, our rejects, just to make sure that merchandise is available instantly after the game. I was astonished and appalled to learn this. I think we really could handle waiting a few days or even weeks for merchandise so that companies only need to produce one set of shirts, or better yet, we could just remember the game in our hearts and save all those resources for something more useful. As for the purchase of new phones or cars, this cannot entirely be blamed on vain consumers who crave novelty. I love using phones and computers until they are so old that most apps aren't supported by their operating systems anymore, but eventually the inability to access necessary apps for work and school force people like me to buy a new device, playing right into the hand of big tech companies who are more interested in the short-term profit generated by a new product than environmental sustainability.During the 1920's, my paternal grandpa's parents owned a motel and restaurant. When the business was sold in the 1950s, Grandma and Grandpa inherited some of the equipment, including a smash toaster that made the most amazing toast that I always looked forward to when visiting Grandma and Grandpa in the 1990s, and 2000's. Grandma isn't really able to cook anymore, and I don't eat toast anymore so I don't know what became of it, but the point of it is, it was still cooking perfect toast at more than eighty years old, whereas now, it seems like you are lucky if a toaster lasts more than a year, and a phone or computer is considered old if it is more than five years old. I think we as a culture, especially Christians, should demand products be made to last like Grandma's smash toaster. There is no reason why the chunk of metal that is my phone should have to be replaced every five years when the hardware is still in perfect condition. If the brainpower exists to create the coding for new operating systems, I would think relatively little brainpower by comparison would be necessary to install necessary upgrades on existing hardware so that we can keep and use only one chunk of metal for eighty years. This would make customers like me happy, and would also better ensure the long-term sustainability of their business since the metals required for these phones are a nonrenewable resource that may eventually run out.Climate change is a complex situation and addressing it will require change on multiple levels. I know I haven't exhaustively addressed all of the changes we may need to make. As inspiration strikes, I imagine I will be writing more on this subject. I also acknowledge the importance of humility because although I have boasted of my intention to start buying meat that supports the family farm, and my stubborn refusal to buy a new phone until I am forced to, my environmental stewardship is far from perfect. A couple years ago, Frontline did an expose of the plastic industry, which claims their products can be recycled but practically speaking many of them cannot. To illustrate this, a reporter walked through the grocery store and pointed out all of the plastic packaging on the shelves. I don't think audio description was available for this show so I couldn't see everything, but she specifically mentioned boxed lettuce, which I eat pretty much every day unless fresh romaine heads are available. The 10-ounce boxes typically last me two days, and the 16-ounce boxes around three days. So while my habit of eating big salads at lunchtime is extremely healthy for my physical body, I contribute two to three single-use plastic salad boxes to the landfill each week. But at this point I do not know how to change this short of giving up salad because we do not live in a climate conducive to growing our own steady supply of really any vegetables, including salad. I also recognize there may come a day when I may have to make more substantial sacrifices, like perhaps live, for a few hours each day at least, without air conditioning as running air conditioners puts tremendous strain on electrical grids. And if that day comes, I am sure that in my fallen state, I will forget all about Christian ideals and complain bitterly about it. While my mom grew up without air conditioning and doesn't seem as bothered by the stifling heat and humidity that takes over when the air conditioner goes out, the few occasions I have had to go without it, like when we had a four day power outage following a storm two summers ago, I am absolutely miserable. Once we are accustomed to luxuries, it is difficult to give them up. But part of this misery could be that our house doesn't have great air circulation, but we aren't planning to stay here forever. Maybe for our next house, we should look for one within walking distance to a public pool or clean lake to swim hot summer afternoons away just like Mom did growing up.God is gracious and merciful, and understands that we live in a fallen world where much is out of our control. But as Christians, I believe we have the duty to be receptive to the Holy Spirit and open to new ideas of how He may be calling us to live more sustainably. Most importantly, we as Christians should be the ones taking the lead, lovingly sharing God's wisdom with our culture, working toward getting the choir closer to the harmony God intended.The Secret Garden, the children's classic written by Frances Hodgson Burnett does not have an overt Christian message. Yet when I reread this book as an adult and observed how Dickon lived in perfect harmony with nature, putting wild animals at ease to such an extent that they followed him around, even rode on his shoulder, the way he helped transform Mary and Colin from spoiled, sad, lonely kids to joyful children who loved the great outdoors, it occurred to me, this is what paradise might look like. But as Christians, we don't have to wait until then to start working toward this vision. What if we acted like Dickon, gently, lovingly showing a contrary world how to "run the hidden pine trails of the forest, taste the sun sweet berries of the earth, roll in all the riches all around us, and for once, never wonder what they're worth" (Pocahontas). What if we lived as if the rainstorm and the river, and the land and the air are our brothers, as if the heron and the otter and the sandhill crane and the black-capped chickadee, and I suppose even the mosquitoes and bees, are our friends? Changes in lifestyle are never easy in this fallen world, and like I said, there are still days when I crave that decadent brownie with ice cream on top. But the long-term joy of feeling lighter and healthier has been worth the sacrifice, just as I believe the long-term prospect of singing in harmony with one another and the orchestra of Creation again ought to thrill us far more than all of the material wealth of this world. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Well readers, I have two happier posts in the works, one of which is about how much I love my kitten Aslan whom I introduced in my last post. But given that my kitten and dog enjoy a higher standard of living than our government is providing children seeking asylum at our borders right now, I feel compelled to write about how much our country still falls short of the ideas expressed in our Declaration of Independence which we recently celebrated. I should say here it is not my intention to completely trash-talk our country because despite all the problems we are facing right now, we are still far better off than many countries around the world. On July 3, I was watching Morning Joe on MSNBC as I ate breakfast before work, and in light of the horrible conditions at the border detention centers, and Donald Trump's politicizing of what has always been a nonpartisan holiday with his military display and planned speech, one of the commentators suggested that Americans should go ahead and enjoy the holiday and say a toast to the things we do well, but on the 5th of July, we should reflect on what we could do to make this country better, and align it more closely with our ideals by next year.I liked this sentiment, and I still believe there are many things we do well. For example, we all have the freedom to practice our religion or have no religion at all. Sure, there has been a disturbing increase in antisemitism, and misinformed fears of people who practice Islam, the majority of whom are peaceful. But when gunmen attacked two synagogues this past year, their communities, including the mayors rallied around them and denounced the perpetrators of such senseless violence toward a house of worship, which completely violate the values of our free society. I have confidence that the same would hold true if a mosque were attacked. Sadly, this is not true in many other countries. Every year at HarvestFest, an annual event my church holds in October where field workers come home and share stories of how they are spreading the gospel around the world, I hear heartbreaking stories of churches being bombed or burned down, and worshippers being arrested or killed. Sometimes this persecution is inflicted directly by the government, other times by non-state actors who are not prosecuted because the government implicitly supports what they are doing. Either way, you come away from this event each year with a renewed appreciation for how lucky we are to live in this country where religious freedom is still upheld. Another value we still uphold well is freedom of speech. Sure, there are those who try to silence speech they don't like, often using incredibly hateful rhetoric on social media, and people have lost jobs over speech a company or sponsor doesn't like. But the bottom line is, I can confidently publish this blog post in which I will be saying bad things about the president, knowing it won't lead to police storming into my house and hauling me off to a jail or prison camp where I could be tortured or killed. The same cannot be said in many other countries.On the morning of July 4, while Mom made final preparations for a holiday feast that afternoon, we listened to Stay Tuned with Preet, a podcast my mom and I both like and which I also talk about in this post. Before the show, Preet asked his social media followers the question `What does patriotism mean to you?" At the end of the show, he shared a sample of responses. I was a little troubled by how some listeners seemed to believe patriotism is about blind loyalty to country, right or wrong. But several people indicated that patriotism means loving your country enough to criticize what we get wrong, so that we can be better. Related to that, I especially liked the sentiment of one woman who compared patriotism to the unconditional love a parent has for his/her child. I think this is a brilliant analogy that I also agree with. I think I was expressing this kind of love in this post when I indicated that at least as circumstances currently stand, I don't feel compelled to flee to Canada. In the same way a loving parent wouldn't abandon his/her child when he makes a big mistake or doesn't live up to expectations, I cannot imagine abandoning this country. At the same time, the parent who almost worships his/her child, insisting the child can do no wrong, and trying to shield him from any consequences or hardships related to poor choices is actually making said child's life more difficult in the long-term.Given the 24-hour news cycle which can have the effect of desensitizing people to all the trouble in the world, and my job where I talk to people every day living with painful medical conditions, many of whom cannot afford the medical care they need, I admit there are days when I can relate to a psychological phenomenon experienced by people in emotionally draining occupations like paramedics and nurses known as compassion fatigue. But last summer when I heard footage of children crying for their mothers when they were separated by border patrol officers, I almost cried too. And what was almost equally horrifying to me was the callous attitude of commentators like Laura Ingram who downplayed the cruelty of this policy by likening the child detention centers to summer camp.I went to a week-long summer camp for three summers as a child, and there is no comparison between my experience, and what separated children are still enduring. Sure, I was separated from my parents, but it was a separation my parents and I both consented to, with plenty of time for my parents to soothe my fears about homesickness by reminding me of all the fun, unique experiences I would have. By contrast, mothers interviewed about their situation last summer indicated they didn't know they would be separated from their children when they arrived, which means they wouldn't have even had the opportunity to soothe their children or explain the situation to them before being separated. When I got to camp, it was a week full of fun, unique experiences like swimming in a lake, boating, playing silly games in the dining hall and singing songs around a campfire. By contrast, children separated from their parents were taken to detention centers where their entire summer was spent essentially locked in cages. Last summer, these centers at least provided basic education, but this summer, children aren't even getting that. Finally, I knew exactly when my parents were coming to take me home, so when there were a couple moments when I was starting to feel homesick, I could console myself with the assurance that I would be home soon. By contrast, neither the children nor the parents knew if, or when they would be reunited. Many parents wait months to be reunited with their children, and 471 parents have been deported without their children.I didn't take any action to speak out against our country's cruelty toward immigrants seeking asylum last summer, or even write about it on this blog because I think I was just so shocked by this atrocity I didn't know what I could do or how to approach the issue. But this summer, with many children who still have not been reunited with their families, and with children and families being denied toiletries and basic medical care, I cannot stay silent any longer. I still feel fortunate to live in this country and am optimistic that we can get onto a better path. I am not the only American appalled at how our government is treating asylum-seekers, so if the thousands of protestors featured in the news shouting `close the camps!" stay engaged in this cause and vote in leaders at all levels of government with integrity and good character, this, and many other situations we are facing could change for the better. But as immigration policy currently stands, this country is like a child that needs to sit in time-out or lose some privileges. Actually, the natural consequence of President Trump's behavior, and withdrawal from international agreements like the Paris Climate Accord, our allies are already putting us in time-out so to speak by making decisions without our input, and thus we are losing the privilege of leadership in the world. I hate to see our country lose respect and influence on the world stage, but until we wake up and elect leaders with good character, and until some who call themselves Christians actually return to upholding Christian values, this natural consequence is well-deserved.I have thoughts on several issues, but given that these issues are complex, I will save them for posts of their own. For this post, I want to focus on President Trump's immigration policy because it has disturbed my conscience, and is a leading story in the news right now.Of course, President Trump is not the first president to have to address immigration and border security. But recent past presidents sought to address this issue with thoughtfulness, striving to recognize the need for border security and law enforcement while not forsaking our values. We are after all, a nation built by immigrants, and most of us are descendants of immigrants. On my dad's side, I know that my grandma's parents both emigrated from Poland in the early 1900s. Grandma's mother fled from an abusive father, and Grandma's father fled to avoid being drafted into the army during World War I. My mom's side has been in this country longer, but they came to this country in the 1600s, seeking asylum from an oppressive Scottish government. President Obama actually built the first detention centers and deported more people than President Trump has thus far. But children were never separated from their parents, and all immigrants were treated with basic human dignity while inside our borders, even if they were ultimately deported. President Obama also issued an executive order protecting undocumented children brought to this country illegally by their parents, recognizing that as children, they had no say in this decision, and they were good people who had now become part of the fabric of their communities and our society. In fact, many of these children were so young when brought to this country that they had no memory of their native countries, so America was the only country they had ever known. I remember both President George W Bush and President Obama giving speeches advocating a legal path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, although neither were successful in convincing Congress to pass such legislation. By contrast, President Trump's position on immigration is centered on racism and hate, from his cruel zero-tolerance policy that separated children from their families, to his past racist rhetoric about shithole countries, to his tweets just last week attacking "the squad," the four Democratic congresswomen of color who spoke out against him, and his sitting back and smiling as supporters chanted "send her back!" in reference to Ilhan Omar one of the women in the squad who was not born in this country but is a legal U.S. citizen, at a rally in North Carolina.Even if you do not identify as a Christian, there are so many reasons why President Trump's policies and rhetoric are wrong and detrimental to our country's interests. There is the fact that the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission specifically cites remarks like "go back to where you came from" as an example of unlawful workplace harassment. Where I work, if management got wind of someone making such a remark, they would be fired on the spot, but the President of the United States has not, and most likely will not face any consequences for this remark. There is the fact that President Trump's treatment of asylum-seekers is a violation of national law, and international treaties. There is the staggering waste of tax dollars being paid to for-profit detention contractors to house immigrants when I heard an immigration advocate interviewed on a podcast last year argue that when immigrants were released into this country to live with other family members, 99 percent of them still showed up for their court hearings. And while another blog post could be written on the immorality of exploiting immigrants, the reality of this fallen world is that immigrants are willing to do crucial work that American citizens won't do because this work is hard, pay is low and there are no benefits, jobs such as meat packing, harvesting crops, even providing nursing care for the increasing senior population. Deporting hard-working, undocumented immigrants whose only crime was entering this country illegally or advocating policies that only welcome highly educated immigrants could lead to labor shortages in crucial sectors of our economy down the road. And can you imagine how blah life would be without the wonderful variety of ethnic foods, music and traditions that immigrants brought to this country? This diversity is really what made America great, and the only way we can continue to be great. But those of us who identify as Christians should be especially horrified by President Trump's immigration policies for a higher set of reasons.As I have mentioned in the past, I studied for a time with a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. I didn't end up converting because I don't agree with their theology surrounding Jesus. But I still consider these witnesses good friends, and I wish more of my fellow evangelical Christians would have an open mind and study with them because although I believe their theology is incorrect, there is so much that they get right as far as what it means to take faith seriously. And there are two things that both of our bibles agree on: one cannot serve two masters, and we are called to be citizens of a higher governing authority.Jehovah's Witnesses take these principles so seriously that they do not run for political office, serve in the military or even vote. The way one of my friends explained it, all earthly governments are influenced by Satan, but Jehovah's Witnesses need to be a unified front as God's government is higher than any of the earthly governments in place right now, and so by abstaining from voting or any civic activities, there is no animosity if a Jehovah's Witness living in the United States meets a Witness from Iran, even though there is tension between the earthly governments of these countries. I am not arguing that my fellow Evangelicals abstain from voting. On the contrary, I believe that Christians should vote and contact their representatives to speak up for the issues God puts on their hearts because while it is true that this world will always have problems until Christ returns, He wants us to work with this system in our spheres of influence (which include the governments of the countries in which we live) to try and bring a taste of His Kingdom to this world now rather than just throwing up our hands and hoping He will return soon. But it is sad and honestly frightening to me how many of my fellow Evangelicals have fallen victim to pandering and propaganda, and have chosen to blindly follow and almost worship President Trump and his enablers in Congress. I hope any Evangelicals who stumble on this blog don't take what I am about to say as judgmental. This is not my intention, as only God knows what is in each person's heart, and I know I have plenty of my own sins to work out that I will be judged on. As a quick relevant example, although this post has been about the need for more compassionate immigration policies, my heart isn't always pure regarding my attitude toward immigrants. I have never made blatant racist remarks against them, have never and would never dream of telling someone to go back to the country they came from, but sometimes in real-world situations, I react with impatience and annoyance rather than patience and compassion. As I have mentioned in the past, I groan to myself when I go to a restaurant and end up with a waiter or waitress who is not fluent in English, especially if I am on a family vacation, when sometimes I haven't had enough sleep and am beyond hungry by the time we get to a restaurant. Although I have never actually vocalized this, in my mind I am fuming, "oh for heaven's sake, give me someone who speaks English!" Normally at the sound of a foreign accent, I would smile in celebration of the diversity and opportunity our country offers, appreciate how brave this waiter or waitress is for starting over in a new country and learning our language better than I would ever learn theirs if I had to start over in their country, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, I am just tired and hungry and don't have the patience to even try and communicate with them, so I put my head down hoping the waiter will just assume I have a headache or something, and let my parents do the talking and explain to them about my Celiac Disease. But even if my anxiety over the need to make sure it is understood that my meal needs to be gluten free is legitimate, I should make a better effort about not fixating on my food, trust God because everything always ultimately works out, and engage in conversation with said waiter or waitress, showing them the same mercy and compassion I would want to be shown if I had to start over in a new country. But even though I fall short in my interaction with immigrants, I feel compelled to speak the truth in love, which is that it is just not possible to honestly call yourself a Christian, while simultaneously supporting President Trump's policies, especially his immigration policies. And even before I read this excellent article linked to above, I have felt for a long time that if Christ were to return today, He would judge purported Christians who support President Trump with the same anger He expressed to the Pharisees and Sadducees. To support President Trump while calling yourself Christian is to be a hypocrite.This is not about politics. I am not saying you should necessarily vote for President Trump's democratic opponent, although right now I think that is what I personally am going to do. I am well aware that Democrats have had their fair share of crooked behavior, immoral conduct and hyperpartisanship, but President Trump's policies, especially his immigration policy, not to mention his complete lack of morals or integrity are so egregious that getting him voted out of office in 2020 needs to be the top priority. But if Evangelicals cannot in good conscience vote for President Trump's opponent, I feel as though they would honor God better by following the example of Jehovah's Witnesses and at least for this election, not voting at all. I just ask my fellow evangelicals to consider this question. Since we are all sinners, we will never find perfect leaders in this current world, but who do you think Jesus would judge more favorably if He returned today: the political figures who may not talk about their faith publicly but who in general advocate Christ-like policies that lift up the poor and marginalized, or the political figures who loudly profess their faith and pander to you by promising to appoint pro-life judges to the Supreme court, but who in general have implemented policies that make life worse for the poor and marginalized, and who will even twist scripture out of context to justify cruel policies as Jeff Sessions did last summer?Some of my fellow evangelicals will say there is spiritual warfare today, and the Enemy Satan is doing everything he can to turn people away from God, but sadly some of these same people are completely oblivious to the fact that the Enemy has already turned them away from God using Fox News propaganda, and conservative talk radio. So I would like to conclude with a few bible verses that I hope will tickle the conscience of even one person who stumbles on this blog, and bring them back to God.Hebrews 13:1-2 says: "Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing, some people have entertained angels without knowing it." It just so happens that our church was studying the book of Hebrews this summer, and in God's perfect timing, the pastor preached on these verses three weeks ago, right as the conditions in the detention centers were coming to light. I think my fellow evangelicals don't realize that a large portion of the immigrants from the central American countries are themselves Christians, so by turning our backs on them, we are actually turning our backs on our own brothers and sisters. Furthermore, we were all at one time aliens whom God pursued, and therefore we are called to embrace and show hospitality to strangers, whether they are Christian or not. It is the best way the church can articulate the gospel to the broader culture, and this message is if anything more relevant today given our culture's stranger danger philosophy, than it was when the book of Hebrews was written.Matthew 25:34-35 says: "Then the king will say to those on his right, Come, you who are blessed by my father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in." Jesus goes on to tell those on his left who did not do these things they will not inherit the kingdom. Jesus, who was Himself a refugee, includes our treatment of the stranger, the immigrant in this world as criteria for whether we inherit eternal life. This should be sobering. I confess I was tempted not to include this verse for fear of being a hypocrite as I fall far short of these standards. I am not as generous with my money as I could be, and very stingy with my time. This is an area of my faith life where I would like to progress. But even if you are like me and rarely volunteer or donate to charity, we could all start by at least speaking out against elected representatives who pander to Christians but implement cruel policies that are completely at odds with Jesus' teaching.Matthew 24:14 says: "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." Jesus didn't say He only came for the people of the roman empire who was his audience, nor did He say He came only for white people, or only people living in the United States of America. He wanted the gospel to be preached to all nations. I get the impression from this bible verse, and bible verses about Jesus abolishing all earthly governments, that He will have an open borders policy, if borders as we know them even exist at all. At that time, we will all realize how stupid and petty our thousands of years of racism were as we were all created in God's image, with the same hopes and dreams. But why must we wait until then? Why not strive to bring a taste of God's kingdom to this country now with policies that secure the border against real criminals, which is necessary in this fallen world, but policies which are grounded in common sense and compassion, not hate and racism. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

During the 1970s, my dad worked as a dispatcher for a trucking company in Michigan. In 1981, the company suspended operation of the Michigan terminal, but offered him a job in Wisconsin. So the family, which at that time only meant Mom, Dad and my oldest brother who was a baby, moved to Wisconsin. Life got very hectic as three more children were born, the last of which was me in 1990. But in 1998, while visiting Grandma and Grandpa nearby in Michigan City, Indiana, my parents thought it would be fun to drive through their old haunts in Benton Harbor, Michigan and see what became of the terminal where Dad used to work. To their shock, it had been abandoned, and this neglect meant that nature reclaimed it. Untamed weeds climbed the walls of the building, enveloping it. I have a general memory of being in the back seat of the car during this driving tour, but I don't remember this moment when they saw the building. As a blind kid who couldn't look out the window like the rest of the family, and as an eight-year-old who probably wouldn't have found the sight very interesting even if I could, I must have fallen asleep or tuned the tour out. But years later when the subject came up somehow and Mom described to me what happened to this building, the fascinating thought occurred to me that this building was a micro illustration of what would happen to the whole earth if humanity were wiped out. Nature doesn't need us. It would reclaim what we bulldozed, take over the buildings we built. It was here before we were created, and will thrive long after we are gone, or perhaps more accurately, long after we destroy ourselves. Of course, now I believe God won't let us completely destroy ourselves, but I wasn't yet a fully committed Christian with a confident faith in God's glorious plan for Creation when Mom told me about this building.As I have written about before, I am not a fan of the dog days of summer when most days are hot, humid and buggy and there is constant social pressure to go out in it. But I love those first warm days of Spring, when most of the bugs are still dormant, but the temperature is perfect, even in the sun, and the joyful songs of the birds, and the fragrant fresh air that breezes through open windows beckons me outdoors. In recent years, as I depart the stuffy house into the sun and fresh air without needing to protect myself from the elements with a coat, hat and scarf, I find myself singing a modern Christian pop song that we often sing in church: "You called my name, and I ran out of that grave! Out of the darkness into Your glorious day!" It is also the time of year when it feels like old friends have returned. My mom loves to mark on the calendar when she sees the first robins in our yard, and Dad will stop what he is doing to holler excitedly to Mom to come look, there's a deer or a fox! I look forward to hearing the complex melodic song of the black-capped chickadee, and will stop what I am reading on the swing and attempt to mimic its song by whistling to him to see if I might draw him closer. And we all adore the sandhill cranes, who prefer our yard over the yards of the neighbors because we don't treat our lawn with pesticides, so the ground is full of yummy worms to eat. My parents say they are beautiful, tall birds and when they start talking, you would think we lived in the jungle it is so majestic. Mom thought these elegant birds deserved sophisticated British names. So the first generation we named Nigel and Penelope. The following year, Nigel and Penelope had two babies we named Albert and Beatrice. This generation is named Victoria and Oliver. Once they are adults, Mom said you cannot tell them apart, but it is still fun to name them. This year we put up a bird house a neighbor made for us, and my parents thought it would be fun to buy two bird feeders to entertain our cat Aslan when he looks out the window, but they have ended up entertaining us even more. Now we have a new friend, a house wren that chose the bird house our neighbor made for her nest. When Mom noticed one of my friends, a black-capped chickadee, destroying the house wren's nest, I was a little sad that a bird with such a sweet song could be so mean, but the wild is cruel sometimes, so I talked Mom out of throwing a rock at him. But it ended up working out for all of us because our house wren is a resilient little bird who fought the black-capped chickadee off and rebuilt the nest in no time. (Since our bird clock died five years ago, my ability to identify birds by their song has gotten rusty, but a couple weeks ago, I found a very accessible app for my phone, Merlin BirdId and am relearning my birds. My dad also downloaded a bird identification app on his phone and now we all love to identify the birds we hear while reading outside or eating breakfast at our table in front of the window.)And this time of year, as night falls, the perfect unity and harmony of thousands of frogs singing their mating calls rival the most beautiful choir. As a Christian I believe it was no coincidence that Jesus's resurrection occurred in Spring. After all, it is a season of joy and new life for all creation. But conversely, this time of year when all creation literally sings, it is difficult to not be even more acutely sad about the degree to which humanity in our fallen state has exploited and trashed this beautiful creation and the warped responses of Christians and the secular world alike to this tragedy.Especially since the modern, industrial age and its accompanying mindset of conquering nature, humans have seen themselves as separate from creation. When I was in college, I took a course on the Religious Traditions of America, and one of the assigned books was God Is Red, a book written by Vine Deloria, Jr., a native American philosopher. While I didn't agree with every argument he made, one thing he said still resonates with me. While native American worship is conducted outdoors and centers on reverence for the earth, Christians separate themselves from creation, worshipping indoors in man-made churches. This point became even more striking as I became more intimately familiar with the Bible and how many of the narratives in both the Old and New Testament take place outdoors. Genesis opens with Adam and Eve whom God created from the dust of the ground, in a beautiful garden. God reveals himself to the Israelites in the wilderness between Egypt and the Promise Land. Many of Jesus's parables draw inspiration from elements of the natural world, and the book of Revelation states that when Jesus returns to redeem all things, we will once again dwell in a beautiful garden. As I mentioned in my previous post, the Teacher in the book of Ecclesiastes affirms that we are made of the same biological stuff as animals. And yet, the Catholic church I was raised in held mass outdoors only once a year, in conjunction with the annual church festival, and the Protestant church I attend now baptizes people in a pond one Sunday afternoon a year in July, but all other services are held indoors. Not only that but as Christopher Wright points out in his book The Mission of God's People, which was assigned in the course on the book of Genesis I took my first semester at Trinity, on Mission Sundays, only missionaries engaged in the salvation of humans are recognized, despite the fact that the Bible is full of evidence of God's love for all of creation, not just humans. While the salvation of humans is certainly important, for mission to be truly holistic, it must also address our responsibility to be good stewards of all the natural resources God created, and thus Wright argues that Christians who feel called to advocate for the environment or protect endangered species should be granted the same legitimacy by churches as those called to the salvation of humans. The most tragic, extreme end of the Christian separation from nature is the prosperity gospel, which views the prosperity God wants for us in the shallow sense of material wealth, and when Christ returns, he is going to create a new heaven and a new earth, so what does it matter if we exploit the earth now? Agenda 21, a dystopian novel co-authored by ultra-conservatives Glenn Beck and Harriet Parke and inspired by a U.N. resolution by the same name, imagines a future of authoritarian government in the name of environmental restoration. Babies are taken away from their parents at birth to be indoctrinated in state institutions, and people are forcibly uprooted from their former lives and sent to concrete compounds in planned communities where food (nourishment cubes) and energy are strictly rationed, and people incapable of procreating, and creating clean energy for the Republic by walking their energy board each day are of no use to society.But the secular response to human exploitation of creation is just as alarming. For years, I have seen articles indicating that a growing number of young people, especially in Generation Z are saying they do not plan to have children, not because of economic uncertainty, but because they believe it is immoral to bring children into a world whose resources are already strained by too many people, and because these children would suffer the full effects of climate change: famine, drought, extreme weather, wildfires. But even more alarming to me is a small but according to Adam Kirsch, growing movement of people embracing the idea of human extinction. After listening to this book review of his book The Revolt Against Humanity, I was filled with such morbid fascination that I couldn't resist listening to his entire book on Audible. This book is an overview of antihumanism and transhumanism, and the broad argument it makes is that while antihumanists and transhumanists have radically different views on what a posthuman world might look like, they agree on two central ideas: that the end of humanity as we know it is inevitable, and that we should welcome it as a sentence we deserve given the devastation we have caused, from the trash at the bottom of the ocean, to the hole in the ozone layer. Kirsch even calls into question the Bible's assertion that the flourishing of humanity is good. "The bible gives the negative commandment thou shall not kill, as well as the positive commandment be fruitful and multiply, and traditionally they have gone together. But if being fruitful and multiplying starts to be seen itself as a form of killing since it deprives future generations and other species of irreplaceable resources, then the flourishing of humanity can no longer be seen as simply good" (Page 20). But Kirsch also questions even the optimistic view that while creation may not need us, we can enrich it, in the sense that without us, creation would march on, but it would be pointless, akin to performing a show without an audience. Kirsch quotes David Benatar, a South African thinker who calls this optimistic view "metaphysical arrogance." "What is so special about a world which contains moral agents and rational deliberators?" Benatar jeers, "that humans value a world that contains beings such as themselves says more about their inappropriate sense of self-importance than it does about the world" (Page 49). Since I have life experience as both a performer and audience member for many shows, I thought it would be fun to run with this second analogy for awhile.Chuck Berry is best known for his contribution to rock 'n roll music with songs like Johnny B Good, but one day during that dark period of depression and anxiety in 2016, Dad was driving me home from work when Sirius Xm played a lesser known and not entirely family friendly song, My Ding-a-ling, recorded with a live concert audience singing along. Hopefully my pastor won't find this and think less of me for listening to such filthy music, but it broke through my sadness that day, leaving both Dad and me in a fit of laughter. (I think Dad had heard this song before but part of his laughter came from watching how this song made his innocent Christian daughter laugh.)The following day it occurred to me that a large part of what made this song so funny was Chuck Berry's interaction with the audience. For example, in between one of the verses, he stopped and singled out two women singing in harmony and said "That's alright, live like you wana live!" But there also exists a studio recording of just him, singing this song solo, and in this context, the song is creepy. This song needs audience interaction for it to be the silly song that I think Chuck Berry intended it to be.Now for a fun thought experiment, let's pretend that instead of coming to have a good time together and sing a silly song, Chuck Berry's audience that night was a pack of rude, drunken revelers who heckled Chuck Berry, started a riot. In response, security rushed in, kicked everyone out of the arena and called off the show. There may have been a few respectful audience members sitting in their seats, horrified at the behavior of the audience around them, but their numbers were so small, and the atmosphere so chaotic that the show could not go on. Now let's say you and I were among those rude, drunken revelers. Sure, Chuck Berry would have been sad and discouraged that his audience was so disrespectful at the show he intended to bring happiness. But he did not really need our presence at his show. Musicians do not sing primarily for the adoration of an audience but because they are passionate about music. When I sang in the Milwaukee Children's choir, I had the opportunity to travel to Italy with the choir, where we sang for a Saturday evening mass at Saint Peter's Basilica in Rome. During one rehearsal in preparation for this trip, the choir director shared some experiences from a previous trip to Japan, which was before my time in the choir. For some reason, no one showed up for one of the choir's performances in Japan, but they sang anyway to an empty cathedral. But after the show, multiple choir members said this performance was the most meaningful part of the trip. Just having the opportunity to sing in such a beautiful place was special. It didn't matter that no one was there to hear their music. Therefore, Chuck Berry and his band could have kept on playing to an empty arena. It would be too late to book another artist in that arena after all, and tickets for a show like that would be nonrefundable, so he and his band would have still been paid, even if the audience squandered the opportunity to see the show. But the next morning, once we had recovered from our drunken stupor, wouldn't we be filled with a sickening sense of regret that because of our behavior, we forfeited the opportunity of a fun evening singing along with a talented artist? And if we were one of the few respectful audience members, I imagine that as we exited the arena, we would feel a mixture of anger, and sadness, a loss of faith in humanity. Whether you believe in the Christian God or not, I don't think it is "metaphysical arrogance" to say to yourself as you walk through a garden of fragrant flowers, or wake up to the beautiful cacophony of birds singing, "Wow, some grand designer of the universe or wonderful feat of higher evolution brought me into existence to appreciate the beauty of creation on a higher level than other animals! What a privilege, a privilege which children and grandchildren ought to get to enjoy as well!" Of course, all analogies are imperfect and oversimplified, but I believe it is fair to say that although we are already experiencing some of the consequences of climate change, the Grand Designer has been incredibly merciful. Although I disagree with the secular worldview from which antihumanists and transhumanists approach this issue, their premise that we deserve to be thrown out of this beautiful arena called Creation is valid.But in truth, the analogy of us being audience members to the beautiful show of creation ought to be completely scrapped because it continues to permit humans to think of ourselves as separate from nature. There is an associate pastor at our church who is a huge sports fan, and also serves as chaplain for the Milwaukee Bucks. Occasionally, he will deliver the sermon and although I am not a sports fan, I appreciate his effective use of sports analogies, and as he likes to say, "There are no bench warmers or spectators in God's kingdom." We all have to get out there and play our part.Even if you do not believe in the Christian God, you cannot escape the reality that we are inextricably intertwined with Creation. Farmers still depend on rain to water crops as piping in water during a drought period can be done in theory but is impractical and expensive, and then depleting water from lakes, rivers and underground water tables would cause other problems. (The region where I live is experiencing a moderate drought right now.) In 2019, the Amazon rainforest made front page news because the corrupt prime minister of Brazil was encouraging vast areas of the rainforest to be burned and cleared for farming. This was not the first time the Amazon rainforest had been threatened, but the scale on which the Prime Minister was allowing the destruction was alarming. When I heard about this, I was disheartened, but absorbed it with the usual emotional distance of a situation a world away that doesn't effect me. But then a climate scientist said that the Amazon rainforest has so many large trees that absorb so much carbon dioxide from the atmosphere that if this rainforest is lost, the air quality all over the world will be impacted! These are just a couple of examples. They show that in reality, we did not, and actually cannot conquer nature. We are, and will always be dependent on nature, and when one part of our delicate ecosystem is threatened, our existence is also threatened.Since my passion is singing choral music, I propose that we think of all creation, including ourselves, as performers in a beautiful choral work, like say, Handel's Messiah. All creation, which obviously includes all living plants and animals, but even includes nonliving components like the wind, the rivers and oceans, is the orchestra, and we are the choir. In theory, you could perform Handel's Messiah without a choir. The orchestral accompaniment is beautiful in its own right. In fact, before the choir or soloists come in, there is a long and lovely orchestral overture, which reminds me of Genesis chapter 1, when God looked upon everything he had created even before humans and declared that it was good. But the addition of the choir and the lyrics they sing adds a whole new layer of complexity, meaning and beauty that transforms Handel's Messiah from a work that is "good" to one that is "very good."Now imagine that we were a completely dysfunctional choir. We refused to read our music or follow the leading of the choir director or the orchestra Conductor, choosing to just sing whatever we wanted. If we were assigned to sing in the soprano section, we look with disdain upon the softer, and thus in our mind less valuable altos, tenors and basses, and strive to intimidate them into not singing, or at least to overpower them. All sections of the choir view the orchestra as less valuable because it has no voice, and we all seek to overpower it. Maybe some of us are enamored by the percussion section, but instead of appreciating the subtle but spectacular color these instruments and the skilled musicians behind them add to the orchestra, we greedily grab their instruments away from them and have a blast banging on them with complete disrespect, even breaking some of them. A few singers truly want to appreciate the beauty of the music and their part in it, and do their best to tune out the chaos around them and follow the Conductor and the choir director. But it is not easy, and given the extent of the chaos, even they will inevitably be a little out of tune, and out of sync with the Conductor. The choir director and Conductor are heartbroken that a piece that should have been so beautiful went so completely awry. Of course, this analogy too could be criticized as oversimplified, but I believe it is useful for thinking about our part in creation. We are not just audience members to a beautiful show, but essential performers in it. Not only do we add richness to creation with our literature, unique cultural foods, art and music, but when we live in harmony with creation, we have the potential to transform chaos into beauty. Now forgive me for the arrogant analogy, but imagine that you were the Grand Designer of earth. Perhaps you would have taken a moment to appreciate the chaos, beautiful in a unique way, of vegetation growing wild, no one to prune the trees, plant flower gardens or manage the weeds, the whole world resembling my dad's abandoned terminal. But can you empathize with how the Grand Designer, God, could have come to the conclusion that the creation of humans with higher intelligence that he hoped would live in harmony with nature and bring order to the chaos is akin to the cake that is alright without icing, but so much better once the icing is added?Of course, whether we are religious or not, we can all agree that we have not lived in harmony with nature. Collectively, you could say in general that those of us who live in wealthy countries have viewed ourselves as the sopranos who carry the melody of the song in the worldly sense that we dominate the world economy. We perceive other singers as less valuable, creating a system in which less desirable jobs like meat packing are predominantly filled by undocumented immigrants who are forced to accept lower wages, and where manufacturing of everything from garments to smartphones is outsourced to countries in Asia in pursuit of cheap, unregulated labor. But all humans to some extent have viewed the orchestra of nature as free for exploitation, valuing a rainforest not for its beautiful biodiversity but for the wood we can extract from it, and the vast amount of land that could be cleared for industrial agriculture. While very few of us are lobbyists for the fossil fuel industry, or the heads of companies responsible for deforestation, we all, at least in the developed world, were born into a system, an industrial society such that we really cannot avoid the use of fossil fuels if we want to participate in mainstream society. Not only that, but the global supply chain has become so complex that even if we try to be environmentally responsible, it is impossible to get everything right.For example, when my dad retired in September 2020 and had to return his company car, we realized we would be just fine with only one car. I cannot drive, and our commitments are minimal enough that we have had no trouble communicating and coordinating. On a couple rare occasions, I have been a little annoyed that Mom and I had to sit and wait a few minutes for Dad to pick us up, or that Mom and I had to sit in the parking lot waiting for Dad, and would think back nostalgically to "the good old days." But when I am thinking clearly again, I realize this attitude is embarrassing evidence of how thoroughly I have embraced the entitled, individualistic Western mindset. Families shared resources, and sacrificed for the collective good for most of human history, and still do in most parts of the world today. In addition to saving money by only having to pay for the maintenance of one car, we are also taking a small step toward being better environmental stewards. I am intrigued by the insight of some environmental activists who envision a future of car sharing rather than car ownership, since most of the time, most cars are sitting idle in parking lots and garages that could one day be restored as green spaces, and all of that metal and other resources from all of these underutilized cars could be recycled and used in a more constructive way. But given society as it currently is, especially for suburbanites like our family, we aren't ready for that yet. But while owning one car is still necessary, when you think about it, environmental activists would be fair in arguing that for a household like ours, owning two cars is excessive. I think there has only been one instance when Mom needed to take a trip to visit Granny and Dad stayed home, when we rented a car because Dad and I were a little nervous about being "stranded" for two days. But Mom pointed out that even then, we could have planned ahead, ensuring the house was stocked with groceries before she left, and calling a taxi service or neighbor in a true emergency. We, as a society have just become so accustomed to individualism and convenience that we have forgotten how to share, coordinate, live creatively. When our old minivan required expensive repairs that we couldn't justify given how old it was and how many miles it had on it, we purchased a smaller, fuel efficient car. It is not an electric car. We decided to wait for the price to come down, and for the technology and infrastructure for charging these vehicles to improve. But it is a little disconcerting, but kind of cool how the engine shuts off at stoplights. This is just one example of how my parents and I try to live simply, be good environmental stewards. But then, while reading this article to refresh my memory on the heartbreaking story of the Amazon rainforest destruction in 2019, I read that leather from cattle ranchers in the Amazon rainforest is shipped to car and furniture manufacturers all over the U.S. Our car has leather seats. This is just one example of many I could have used which shows that much as we might sincerely want to be good environmental stewards, given the engrained complexity (chaos) of our industrial society, every single one of us is singing out of tune with Creation.But what is beautiful about the Christian worldview is that it doesn't give up on us. Of course, because of our sinful state, we will never be completely in sync with the Conductor until Christ returns to redeem all things, including our hearts. But Jesus is clear that we are called to try and offer the world a foretaste of God's kingdom now. It is hard not to be discouraged by the extent of devastation we have caused, the hurricanes, droughts, floods and wildfires that seem to get worse each year. I admit I have wondered myself why God has let the show go on this long. But I think this sense of hopelessness explains some of our paralysis and inaction. I wish everyone would trust in the Christian God, because as I will elaborate on more in my next post, God's Holy Spirit could give us the perspective we need to address climate change more constructively. But even if you don't yet believe in the Christian God, I hope I can inspire some antihumanists not to mourn the fact that the universe has let our terrible show go on this long, but instead to see this as a beautiful act of mercy. Every day we are still breathing, we have a chance to repent of our greed and exploitation of one another and of Creation, and start to reclaim the beautiful song we were created to sing, in harmony with one another, and with the orchestra of Creation. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Hello readers, I hope you are doing well as we approach the end of winter and the start of Spring. Overall, I am doing well, although I have been feeling a little out of sorts, not in a severe sense, but in a way that has felt too complicated to write about. But I have felt compelled to listen to memoirs on Audible, and actually reading memoirs has been quite therapeutic for me. Despite writing a memoir a couple years ago, which I published here last summer, I hadn't actually read very many memoirs, partly due to the busyness of life, and partly due to my cynicism. The memoirs you hear about written by famous people are often written with an agenda--publicity for someone interested in running for president for example--and what worse is these memoirs are often written by ghost writers, which in my mind is cheating.But maybe the Lord works in funny ways because Prince Harry's memoir Spare, was released shortly before my sister's birthday. It so happened that Queen Elizabeth passed away while we were on our family vacation in Hilton Head, where I was surprised and amused by my sister's interest in all of the royal family intrigue, so when Spare was released, I decided to text her and ask if she would like me to buy her a copy for her birthday. She indicated she was interested, but also asked if I had read it, to which I ribbed her light-heartedly, responding that I didn't intend to read it because life is too short to waste on tabloid gossip. But then I told her I would have an open mind and read it for purposes of sister bonding. So in honor of this commitment to my sister, I found the book on Audible, read by Prince Harry himself. Yes, Prince Harry had an agenda writing this book. Having been banished from the royal family which meant losing their financial support, and having grown up so privileged that taking a job at a grocery store or something like an ordinary person banished from a dysfunctional family would was unthinkable, he most likely wrote this memoir to generate income, although he would be $20 million richer if he hadn't cheated and paid a ghost writer. But motives aside, it occurred to me after listening to this memoir that it was not the waste of 15 hours and 39 minutes of my life that I thought it would be. In fact it provided just the sense of perspective I needed in this season of my life, perspective further reenforced as I subsequently felt compelled to read Michelle Obama's memoir Becoming, Fiona Hill's memoir There is Nothing for You Here, and Barack Obama's first memoir Dreams from my Father, which by the way was not written by a ghost writer. I am pretty confident of this because Michelle mentioned in her memoir that shortly after they were married, Barack flew to Bali and spent five weeks in solitude drafting this memoir.I will comment more on these memoirs, as well as some science fiction classics I decided to read, in subsequent posts as appropriate. But the common thread of perspective woven through all these memoirs, perspective which I sorely needed in this season, is that no one is living a fairy tale. Sure, being part of the royal family meant Prince Harry had opportunities to meet famous people and visit exotic destinations at British taxpayer expense. But this privilege was ultimately overshadowed by the turmoil of living in a family where the reputation of the institution took precedence over unconditional, authentic love. Sure, Michelle Obama was a top student and landed a job in a prestigious law firm, and then had the opportunity to make history as the first black First Lady, serving alongside the first black president of the United States. But once she had "made it" to the prestigious law firm, she realized she had spent her whole life checking boxes, desperate to prove that a black girl raised on the south side of Chicago could succeed, but never really thought about what she really wanted out of life, and ultimately accepted a dramatic pay cut to work in the government and nonprofit sectors where she could make a difference in the lives of people disadvantaged by the system. And then as First Lady, though she had unique opportunities to shape history, she also had to contend with anxiety, self-doubt, petty partisanship, racism, sexism and unfair press coverage. Though Barack Obama had an interesting upbringing, born to a father from Kenya and a white mother, living for a time in Malaysia and then Hawaii with white grandparents, he also struggled with questions of racial identity, and complex emotions regarding his father. When Fiona Hill testified at Donald Trump's first impeachment hearing, I was mesmerized by her courage, but hadn't fully appreciated until reading her memoir just how much courage it took for her to do what she did. Her father encouraged her to leave the small town in Northeast Britain, where she grew up because the classist culture of Britain, combined with Margaret Thatcher's de-industrialization policies in the 1980s meant she had no future in Britain. But when she got to this country, her academic brilliance and expertise on Russia was often not taken seriously because of sexism.Of course, I ought to know that no one is living a fairy tale. First and foremost, Jesus himself guarantees this when he says not "In this world you might have trouble." Rather, he says, "in this world you will have trouble." And although Jesus led an exciting life traveling from village to village preaching the good news and healing people, he was despised by the Roman empire and religious leaders, betrayed, and ultimately crucified. I have also found it interesting that although in my imagination, I imagine that if I was out for a walk one day and God appeared in a burning bush to give me a special mission, I would be thrilled beyond words, Moses was not thrilled, even begged God to send someone else. Neither were the other prophets, especially Jonah who tried to run away from God.You may recall that last summer, I wrote about longing for a sort of Rumspringa, the chance to live on my own, to (temporarily) disconnect from family a little, just as my older siblings all did for a couple years, to know what life is like "out there." I mentioned how I was about to embark on my Rumspringa with Gilbert at eighteen, but when unexpected curve balls came my way, I gave up, moving back home when I should have persevered through the struggles as my siblings did, letting them mature and refine me. In other words, I gave up on the unpleasant crawling stage, and now I am paying for it in that I never learned to fully walk as an adult. But then in a subsequent post, I spoke of how anxiety was behind many of my thoughts, and I needed to trust God, realize that he puts us all where we are for a reason, and I should let him drive my boat on this river called life because he is a far wiser driver than I am. And yet the sin of envy is a difficult one to overcome, and my resolve to trust God is easily forgotten when I hear of another peer who got married, had a child, landed an interesting job, even as intellectually I know that what you glean from social media or casual conversation at the grocery store is filtered, an accentuation of the positive, minimizing of the negative. This same filtering applies to press coverage of famous people, such that we aren't fully aware that these famous people are human like the rest of us, that their success isn't as thrilling as you imagine it would be, and most importantly that their achievements are most often not the result of anything they did right and you did wrong, but that their lives are also rivers that took them in directions they often never expected themselves.Shortly after the trip to Appleton and the "I'm glad to see she's getting out" comment, I decided it was time to get serious and start making plans to pull off the logistics of a Rumspringa, which I realized meant finding a job again, so I would have the money to pay for housing and school tuition. Overwhelmed and discouraged in the past by intimidating job postings with descriptions like "oversee the entire operation of the department" I decided to start with a company I had heard of in passing but knew very little about. I had heard that it had a social mission of prioritizing employment for people who were blind, so figured that even if the job descriptions seemed intimidating, accessibility would be built into the company culture, so it would be easier to persevere through any challenges than with the typical company. To my delight, there was a position available for a Contact Center Agent, and as an additional bonus, it could be done remotely so long as I resided in Wisconsin, Illinois or Minnesota. Thus, the job could go with me to Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Illinois! Thinking this was perfect divine providence, I quickly attached an updated resume and composed a cover letter, but when I clicked to the next section of the application, self-doubt reared its head. Was I really qualified for this job, or would I regret this when the virus was dormant and I was thinking clearly again? So I closed the tab for the application without fully finishing or submitting it. But to my dismay, the next day I received an email from the hiring manager expressing interest in my application, so somehow my resume was viewable after all. But not wanting to burn any bridges, and also realizing that it wouldn't hurt to be back in the workforce again, reconnecting with people and earning income whether or not I followed through with a Rumspringa, I wrote back and a phone interview was arranged. At the time, there was no work available yet, but the company was in the process of opening a new facility and the hiring manager indicated she would get back with me in a month or two.The callback came on Friday September 9, toward the end of our Hilton Head trip. It took awhile to get some paperwork filled out and processed, but on October 5, I joined the workforce again! The job was challenging at first, but in a good way. Mostly the challenges were a result of my anxiety. Given that my previous job at the Social Security law firm involved spending as much as an hour on the phone with clients filling out forms that asked for sensitive medical information, you would think making a credit card transaction with a client would have been no big deal, but I think because of the social isolation of the pandemic, my confidence was rusty and the first few transactions were absolutely terrifying! My confidence with the JAWS screen reader was also rusty. But my fellow blind coworkers were, and still are, an incredible source of support and encouragement. I even reconnected with a boy who remembered me from the preschool program for the blind we both attended! Currently, I earn less per hour than I did at my previous job, but the job itself is also easier, which after being away from work for two years, isn't such a bad thing.Depending on the level of business, I work between 24 and 30 hours per week. Right now most of our business comes from a Jewish company that contracts with us to make outbound calls soliciting donations for nonprofit organizations. This is actually the exact kind of job I longed for in the thick of my anxiety in the dark days of 2016 at the Social Security job, when I would find myself crying at my desk or unable to sleep at night because software wasn't as accessible as I thought it would be, and mistakes I made months ago could come back to bite me at any moment. With this new job, I largely read from a script, and every day is a fresh start, no case management required. And although I had one week of low grades in my theology class as I adjusted to the job, by the following week I had found my footing and realized that I would be able to hold down a job and still have enough bandwidth left to pursue a Chaplaincy degree if I chose. It was looking like all the pieces might be falling in place to embark on a Rumspringa in Fall 2023!Despite another flare-up of my irritability at Christmas, something kept me from moving full-speed ahead with Rumspringa planning in January. And then came February 17.Friday February 17, 2017 will always occupy a special place in my heart. As I wrote about in 2018, this was the day the dark cloud fully lifted from my soul. In 2016, though I wouldn't say I had a plan to harm myself, my mind went to places that frightened me. Despite the anxiety that job was causing, my pride kept me from asking my manager for help, and I feared being perceived as a quitter by potential future employers if I resigned without having another job lined up. And unlike a couple rough school years, made more bearable by eagerly anticipating a firm end date--summer vacation--I realized bitterly that now that I was in the adult world, I wasn't sure if or when a respite would ever come. Starting in January, I tried desperately to land a job in state government. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience as an intern at the Milwaukee office of Governor Scott Walker in 2011, not only because it was an interesting experience learning about the politics of state government, but also because I was impressed with how on-the-ball the staff was with providing the accommodations I needed from day one. In 2016, I was invited to interview for three state government positions, but all three decided to "go forward with another candidate." Then in December 2016, my manager offered me a new position where my sole responsibility would be filing appeals for clients whose initial application for Social Security disability was denied (which is pretty much everybody), and I think after only the second day in this position, I realized that my anxiety had melted away. At first, going through the form online with clients was draining, but soon, I found my flow. The form was entirely accessible with my screen reader, and while I was tired at the end of each day, I could sleep peacefully at night again. The only thing I still longed for was better work-life balance.That Friday was a particularly slow day as two of the clients I called did not answer the phone for their scheduled appointments with me, and looking ahead at my Google schedule, on which I think I had created timeslots going out a month, I noticed that although some appeals had been scheduled, there were several empty slots, even in the upcoming week, and so the thought occurred to me that I could go part-time! It wouldn't cause the company any hardship: in fact working less days would better ensure that all timeslots were filled, improving productivity and thus doing the company a favor. As a full-time employee, the company reimbursed half of my insurance premium, the only expense my parents asked me to cover, but I realized if I worked three days a week, I would still earn enough to cover the full premium. I cannot really profess in good conscience that the Holy Spirit directed me because I didn't pray about it, nor did I go home and discuss this idea with family and risk being talked out of it. But something, some intuition, a sensation of inner peace just came over me. So at around 3:00 that Friday afternoon, I turned around and made this proposal to my boss, who worked at a desk right behind me, and to my delight, she agreed!I know that good writers aren't supposed to employ cliches, but I really cannot think of a better way to describe my mood that afternoon than the feeling that a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I like to think that God was smiling down on me too because the weather that weekend was unusually warm and Spring-like. That Sunday, the sermon in church reflected on the moment when Joshua took the helm of leadership after Moses died and had to lead the Israelites across the fearsome Jordan River into the Promise Land and take new ground. The pastor reflected that in our lives, we often have to muster the courage to do something risky in order to take the new ground God may want us to take in our own lives. I smiled to myself, realizing that is exactly what I had done Friday. The decision would have consequences: I would earn less money, and potential future employers might question my work ethic when my resume shows that I switched from full-time to part-time. But I was confident that ultimately the reward would outweigh the risk. I would still have the dignity of earning my own income and contributing to society, and yet I would have the time and mental bandwidth to sing in choir again, smile again, dream again. On Friday February 17, 2023 as I sat down to a bowl of the yummy bean soup I make every week--which I started preparing in the crock-pot as one of my first new hobbies after going part-time, and which I perfected even further during the pandemic--I gasped internally as I realized it was six years to the very day of that born-again sort of moment. This made the soup even more comforting and delicious as I realized just how blessed I am, and fully appreciated the truth and insight of a Trinity classmate who told me God has us exactly where he wants us to be. I had experienced pangs of longing to try a Rumspringa again in 2015 and 2016 as well, but had I been on my own then, my heart would have sank that Friday afternoon in 2017 and I would not have been able to turn to my boss and make this request as it would not have been financially feasible.But then, lying in bed that night, I checked my Trinity school e-mail, where a broadcast had been sent by the president of Trinity indicating that out of financial necessity, the university would be moving all undergraduate programs entirely online. He also pointed out that financial strain, and declining interest in residential programs was the trend nationwide, affecting all but the largest, most elite universities. I was aware that Trinity, like all nondenominational, evangelical seminaries were facing financial challenges, and last year during a Zoom session of my American Church History class, we discussed this article, published in Christianity Today. I knew abstractly that Trinity would be implementing plans to cut costs and adapt to the future. But reading this official, concrete decision saddened me in a personal way that surprised me. I was sad in the general sense for future undergraduate students nationwide who would never experience the lively class discussions and college social life that online education just cannot replicate. But selfishly, I was also sad on an individual level. Due to various circumstances, I was not ready to fully experience college social life and live on my own at 18, but now that I was older and wiser, and now that advancements in technology have dramatically increased the availability of college textbooks in e-book form, I was ready for a do-over. But this e-mail from Trinity forced me to reexamine this dream. The e-mail did not indicate any changes to the graduate level Chaplaincy program, but the Christianity Today article from the previous year did indicate declining graduate enrollment, and my dream centered on being part of a dynamic, thriving community where social opportunities, and opportunities to engage in interesting theological discussion were within walking distance. But with undergraduate students gone and graduate students sparse, would I be even lonelier there than I am in our suburb with no sidewalks, but where I have my parents to laugh with over a TV show and share meals with? With a wry smile, I sighed, put my phone on my nightstand, rolled over and went to sleep grumbling to God, "why do I have a knack for choosing paths that are about to be obsolete: newspaper Journalism as an undergraduate, and now this?For a couple weeks following this news, I was in a "blah" kind of mood, going through the motions of work, passing the time reading memoirs after work, all the while feeling discouraged and uncertain. As I said before, I didn't mind, in fact I relished the tedium of my job, but I also imagined that it would be temporary, the equivalent of the sighted young adult taking a job as a waitress to pay her way through school, and then spreading her wings and moving on to new horizons. But now, I wasn't sure how to proceed.But gradually through prayer and reflection over the past month, God has led me to some insight that has lifted my spirits. For one thing, I think God used this news to slow me down, to force me to examine my true motives. Regarding the Rumspringa part of my dream, the realization even on the afternoon before reading that e-mail that going part-time would not have been possible if I had been on my own later led to the realization that if I moved to Trinity, I might need to work full-time again, perhaps leaving little time or energy for the very social and intellectual opportunities I craved. I have some savings, but my dad, who is more money-wise than I am, told me that given the high costs of living, my savings would be gone in a flash, and he is most likely right. And if I am being fully honest, some of my longing may not even be a true desire in my heart of hearts, but the result of cultural conditioning, and also a desire to win the esteem of my parents and siblings. Though they have reassured me this isn't the case, sometimes I cannot shake the feeling that they perceive me as the special needs child/handicapped little sister, and I imagine that the Rumspringa would once and for all shatter this feeling. But then the week after reading this e-mail, I read the book Rethinking Life, by Shane Claiborne, a co-founder of Red Letter Christians, an organization whose philosophies I agree with, especially their stance against Christian Nationalism. In the first chapter, Shane quoted a friend and wildlife expert, and the quote struck me. "Uniformity is diabolical. Diversity is divine!" The context of this quote was that we should cherish the diversity of God's creation, as well as the beautiful diversity of languages, cultures and abilities that God intended for humanity, but this could also apply to life paths. Human history is full of stories of people pressured to conform to the culture around them, get married or pursue an inappropriate career path, and the results have all too often been diabolical, as they missed out on a better path God may have had in store for them. By contrast, those who found the courage to resist pressure to conform sometimes suffered consequences such as being marginalized by society, even shunned by their own families, but when they reflect on their lives, they often realize those consequences were worth the divine joy they ultimately experienced by listening to the Holy Spirit. It is hard to take this insight to heart when something triggers the virus of irritability, but I am trying to pray for the calmness and maturity to respond in a constructive, spiritually mature manner the next time it flares up, and also to realize that these hardships are trivial compared to the opportunities I would have missed out on, the academic achievement that may have been unattainable, had I conformed to traditional ideas of what it means to be a young adult, just to prove something. And to be honest, before choosing Carroll University for my undergraduate education, and before choosing to work part-time, I experienced a deep, spiritual calmness, a certainty that I was making the right decision, and while having a Rumspringa seems like an exciting idea, I have yet to experience that spiritual calmness when I actually seriously contemplate sitting down and filling out a student housing application. Perhaps, God used this e-mail to slow me down, help me realize that I should not go forward with such a momentous, life-altering decision unless or until He gives me that deep spiritual calmness, the peace that comes from knowing for certain that I am letting Him drive the boat on this river of life rather than insisting on my own route which could ultimately lead to destruction or at least an unnecessary detour into rough waters.As for Chaplaincy itself, I could still study to become a Chaplain. Dallas Theological Seminary offers the chaplaincy coursework entirely online, and there are plenty of local hospitals and churches where I could meet the Clinical Pastoral Education requirements and still live with my parents. But once again when visiting Granny in the nursing home over Christmas this year, I found that I was deeply uncomfortable, unsure what to say or how to minister to her. Mom asked me to sing a couple songs, which I reluctantly did: I am more comfortable singing in choir than singing solo. But she was in pain, that day, softly moaning it seemed while I was singing, such that I couldn't tell if she was really enjoying my singing or if, had she the strength to speak, she would have asked me to shut up and leave her alone. Mom assured me that Granny was smiling. I was sad, even a little angry that in the 21st century and the wealthiest country on earth, the best we can do for elderly people like my Granny is warehouse them in a place that smells like poo, with few enrichment activities and feed them a gross, pureed diet of food that is not meant to be pureed, like fried chicken which comes out dry and difficult to swallow. Spiritual care for the patients is sorely needed in places like this, but given my uncertainty in knowing how to minister to Granny, am I really the person God is calling to provide such care? Furthermore, the idea of pursuing Chaplaincy arose from how much I enjoyed talking to cancer patients in my previous job because I could relate to them as a brain tumor survivor but also because they were so gracious and had their lives in beautiful perspective. But the true spiritual maturity required of Chaplains would also require loving those who are difficult to love, including the people whose only disability was back pain who sometimes cussed at me because their cases weren't progressing fast enough. Am I truly the person God is calling to a ministry that would demand such mentally exhausting, self-sacrificial love, day in and day out? I still haven't ruled out chaplaincy, and Mom reminded me that if I am uncomfortable in hospital/nursing home settings, chaplains also serve in colleges, even corporations. But what I am realizing about the Rumspringa idea, and the contemplation of Chaplaincy as a career path is that I need to be patient, to pray more about my true motivations and not rush ahead of God. If I have learned anything these past six years, it is that life is full of uncertainty and perhaps to keep us from being overwhelmed by this, God often only shows us the path ahead a little at a time. In those dark days of 2016, I feared they would last forever--or at least until retirement age--because I couldn't get into state government, but then my manager offered me a more suitable position and I felt prompted to go part-time, a path I hadn't expected but one which turned out for the best. It still wasn't a dream job, but I think I could have tolerated it until retirement age. But then of course came the pandemic which took the whole world by surprise, and again I felt a spiritual calmness when I decided to resign and take seminary classes, and then I was offered my current job. This job doesn't utilize my undergraduate nor my seminary education, but time and time again, pastors have cited Scripture in their sermons which has reassured me that God does not waste any experiences. It is hard not to feel as though I have gone backwards in my progression through life, to wonder if I will ever find my true purpose in life, especially as I approach my 33rd birthday and the cusp of transitioning from young to middle-age. Then again, Moses must have felt the same way when he grew up in Pharaoh's palace, and then had to flee and ended up working as a shepherd for forty years, before God's purpose was revealed to him at 80 years old! Age really is just a number. I don't know what the future holds, but I should know well by now given my emergence from the dark days of 2016 and the unexpected way God used the pandemic in my life that God knows what He is doing. I have resolved to continue to pray and trust in this, taking one day at a time. If or when God calls me to a new vocation or living arrangement, He will let me know. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

I was on track to set out on my Rumspringa August 29, 2008 when my parents helped me move into the college dorm. I gave Disability Services the textbooks I needed months in advance, and after three weeks of guide dog training, Gilbert and I could expertly navigate the routes to the dining room and all of my classes. Mom offered to come to campus and just observe our walk to class the first day, just to make sure I had no trouble. It was a good thing she did because when Gilbert and I crossed the street from the dorm, we were greeted by construction trucks and jackhammers. No one told us they planned to start major construction the first day of school on a significant portion of the sidewalk Gilbert and I depended on, and we were both frightened by the noise of the jackhammers. My textbooks weren't ready until several weeks into the semester either, so my parents had to come to campus every morning to help Gilbert and me navigate the construction, and then meet us after class to read textbook chapters to me so I wouldn't fall behind. I lived exactly one week in the dorm before my parents and I decided the routine was exhausting and it would be much easier to live at home and commute to college. I kept the dorm room that first year as I think it was nonrefundable, and once the textbooks were ready, it was a nice place to rest and study between classes, and I would spend the occasional Saturday there if there was a weekend event I wanted to participate in. But for the most part, I lived at home, and sophomore year, we decided not to renew the dorm.Neither Gilbert nor I actually liked dorm life all that much. Gilbert seemed depressed by the lack of space to run around. Since I had to share the bathroom with other girls, I had to carry all of my toiletries to the bathroom and back each morning, and while I might have gotten used to this routine if I had held on a little longer, I found it made me so inefficient and slow in the morning I barely made it to class on time. I also found the furniture at home to be way more comfortable, Mom's home cooked food so much more delicious. My struggles were unique to my disability, but I remember my siblings sharing struggles of their own when they first lived on their own. But they stuck it out. With each passing year, I kick myself harder and harder for not sticking it out. I could have waved down someone to help Gilbert and me get around the construction that first day, and then called the trainer and ask him to come back as soon as possible to train us to navigate the construction site. (I also should have figured out the proper channels to write someone an angry letter for not bothering to tell us that the sidewalk we trained on almost every day for three weeks was going to be ripped up.) I could have marched my textbooks down to Disability Services and demanded they pay someone to read them to me until they got their act together. Instead I just gave up, despite having a motivating aid from fifth grade through high school who always encouraged me to "never, never, never give up!" And now I am paying the price with this dormant virus of depression and anger.I recognize that I am blessed to have the parents I do, and to be able to live with my parents, a blessing brought into sharper focus by the pandemic. As I have mentioned before, during the pandemic, I witnessed so many friends and relatives who lived alone spiral into depression and anxiety. Right from Genesis when God looks upon Adam and said "it is not good for man to be alone," the Bible is clear that humans need community, and I really do enjoy living in community with my parents. When we have lively dinner discussions about politics, or Mom and Dad tell me nostalgically about old TV shows, or when we hear a song from their youth on the radio and they laugh when the song makes me laugh ("Everybody loves a clown so why can't you? Clowns have feelings too") I feel warm inside, as I am well aware that if I lived on my own I would likely be eating and completing household chores in lonely silence much of the time. I also don't take for granted that my parents cook delicious food that is beyond my cooking comfort zone. I make a really delicious batch of bean soup in the crock-pot each week that is my lunch, and I would like to expand my crock-pot repertoire to cook things like chicken stew or turkey breast in a healthy gravy for dinner. But I don't feel comfortable cooking meat or vegetables over the open flame of a grill, and food prepared on the grill is so delicious! I don't take for granted all of the tedious but essential chores my parents handle that would fall entirely to me if I lived on my own, such as sorting and washing my laundry so that all I have to do is put it away, filling up my pill box each week with the medications my medical conditions require, shoveling snow in the winter, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the floors. I don't take for granted the fact that my parents paid our undergraduate college tuition when many parents who are financially able to do this require their children to work and pay their own way. Thus, unlike so many of our peers, we won't have to make student loan payments until we are practically senior citizens, thus setting my siblings and me up for a much less stressful life. There is no access to public transportation where I live, but my parents were happy to drive me to college and to work every day, as well as any social events I wanted to attend. Today, they drive me to choir, about a half hour drive, every Tuesday during the school year, without complaint, even in cold, nasty winter weather. My dad started getting massages at the gym and he thought they might help my headaches. I loved the idea, but didn't want to pay for them out of my own money because it seemed too frivolous for me, but my parents are willing to pay for them, in addition to the monthly gym membership to go swimming. Given Celiac Disease, I have to avoid gluten, but I also choose to avoid dairy, red meat, and starchy complements (at dinner) for health reasons. But my parents patiently adapt meals for me, helping me find the riced cauliflower to substitute for mashed potatoes, or making a portion of a casserole without cheese. My parents model Christ in their unconditional love, and in showering me with blessings I do not deserve, exacerbating my flare-ups of depression and anger with a sickening layer of guilt. I know these feelings are irrational, not only because of how much my parents bless me, but also compared to the 99 percent of the world's population who have real hardships to be depressed and angry about. But I don't know how to "snap out of it." Donald Trump's spectacular display of narcissism which has played out on TV the past six years is painful to watch, but what is even more painful is the fear that I might be just like him at times.My blindness was caused by a brain tumor that damaged my optic nerve when I was about seven months old. Because the brain tumor also caused paralysis and a loss of muscle tone on my right side, and because I had to be taught how to crawl and walk, skills that most children learn by watching others, I attended a special preschool program for blind children where I received intensive physical therapy. Mom told me that physical therapy was the only time I cried a little in preschool, and I especially hated crawling. But the physical therapist said that crawling is an essential developmental milestone that cannot be skipped. Perhaps the same could be said of the Rumspringa. I remember my siblings behaving much the same way I do today their final years of high school, begging my parents to trust them to stay home, fighting over the pettiest things. But the Rumspringa matured them, and now when they come to visit, it is an idyllic time to laugh, play games and catch up. Things they used to fight about are now a distant memory, or are in proper perspective, a source of light-hearted teasing instead. But because I skipped my Rumspringa, or more accurately, did not persevere through my Rumspringa long enough to allow it to refine me, I feel as though time froze at sixteen or seventeen years old even though I am now 32, and I all-too-often behave accordingly.From what I have written so far, you might understandably think that my longing for my Rumspringa is based entirely on superficial and petty motives, just to get away from the family, to be unsupervised, out of reach, never pressured to take a trip ever again, but it's really not that simple. It's not about the trips. Sure, I can see myself opting out of a trip or two, especially if they are ten days long and I have just started a new internship or job. I could also see myself, for a trip or two at least, taking full advantage of being a separate entity from my parents and coming along on the trip, but on my own terms, booking my flight home from New York City Saturday afternoon rather than Sunday evening so that I have a day to rest, and allow my blood pressure to recover, before going back to work. The dread of prolonged time on-leash causes the most intense flare-ups, but other things cause twinges of depression or anxiety too. Every time I find out that one of my peers got married or is expecting their first child. Every time I go visit one of my siblings and they take the lead, showing us around their community. I am happy for them, but deep down, I long to know what it would be like to be the leader, to show my family around a community I just moved to instead of always being the handicapped, tag-along kid. Every time my parents discuss the reality that they are aging.My parents said I always have a home with them (as do my siblings if they ever fell on hard times). But given the reality of the natural order, there will most likely come a day when my parents will no longer be with us, and a day could come years before that when they are alive but in a condition where they are no longer able to assist me. If I have never had to manage completely on my own, will I know how to manage when this day comes? My dad has alluded to my siblings looking after me, and if this means them calling every day to check in, I'm all for that. And these calls would be mutual, as we are all human and will need comfort and support from one another. But I don't want to be the handicapped little sister who moves in with a sibling, especially if by that time, I am established in a community and a career. I feel like I ought to experience living on my own while my parents are still healthy and can guide me through the learning curves, just as they guided my older siblings.When I expressed some of this anxiety as part of a discussion thread for the spiritual formation class last year, a wise student with more experience in ministry responded that God puts us exactly where we are for a purpose. God often brings this comment back to mind when I am feeling depressed or anxious, and it does make me feel a little better. When I was 18 years old, I didn't fully understand my medical situation, especially the tendency for my electrolytes to get off-balance when I am sick. Nowadays, I am aware of the symptoms when my sodium is low or I am dehydrated, but I did not know this could happen to me the first time I passed out the day after my 20th birthday, or when I had a seizure due to low sodium in 2017. If I had been living on my own, I would not have known that I was in trouble, and might not have been found until it was too late. I don't take for granted that perhaps God kept me at home with my parents to protect and preserve me. By keeping me at home, God also ensured that I would be able to perform to my fullest academic potential, graduating magna cum laude, an achievement that would not have been possible if I had to manage on my own at such a young age. Most importantly, while this purpose isn't entirely pleasant, God's work does involve pruning to ensure that the lives of his followers produce good fruit, and by keeping me with my parents, God forces me to confront my hypocrisy, teaching me that the character of a chaplain is first cultivated in the family.It just so happens that my church is doing a series on the fruit of the spirit which Paul lists in Galatians 5:22. And in God's perfect timing, the focus of last Sunday's sermon was on peace. It was almost scary the degree to which God spoke to me through this sermon. The pastor even shared a story about something his own father said that caused him anxiety, a father whom he has a wonderful, loving relationship with, just as I have with my father. This sermon was convicting in a loving, compassionate way. The pastor explained that the definition of true peace is "confidence in God's goodness and wise control over your life." The opposite of peace, anxiety, occurs when we want to be in control of our lives, even though we often don't know what we are doing, or what is best for us. We might attain a superficial definition of peace by trying to control our own lives, but this behavior will never lead to authentic, lasting peace, and will ultimately strain our relationships and rob us of the abundant life God intended for us. We can invite God, through prayer, to transform our anxiety into peace by helping us confront the brokenness of this world (which includes hurtful things said to us by people we love), confronting our own selfish desires, which the apostle Paul refers to as the desires of the flesh, which are completely contrary to, and incompatible with the desires of the spirit, and the devil's schemes. Therefore, I am in a calmer frame of mind with this post than I was in writing Part 1. I definitely need to spend more time in prayer, when the virus flares up, but even when it is dormant because prayer is a discipline that does not come naturally in this fallen world, and because prayer isn't second-nature for me, I don't have the wherewithall to start praying when the virus flares up.I know that in the past, I have committed to prayer and fasting on this blog, and then did not end up following through. In the case of fasting, my failure to follow through has been mostly the result of anxiety about feeling hungry, possibly not feeling well, and being cranky as a result, especially since I am prone to migraines, and on Fridays, the day I planned to start fasting, I often accompany my parents to the gym to swim laps while they attend a water exercise class. But another contributing factor is occasional comments like the one from my sister mentioned in Part 1. After such comments, in my flare-up of anger, I find myself thinking, "I ought to start fasting to prove to my family that food does not motivate me anymore," clearly an impure motive. First of all, as Jesus teaches in Matthew 6, we are not to be like the Pharisees when it comes to disciplines like prayer and fasting, broadcasting our piety for all to see. We are to practice these disciplines secretly, only for an audience of one, God. I am not an expert theologian, and Scripture does not address my specific situation, but I think it is reasonable to assume from this teaching that I will have "received my reward in full" in this life by bragging to my family that I was capable of fasting (Matthew 6:17). (I am just realizing as I write this that writing a reflection on my first experience fasting, something I planned to do if I managed to follow through, might also deem me a modern-day pharisee. As such, if I ever do actually get my life together and let God transform me, I will definitely write about this, but not the specifics of my spiritual disciplines.) We also discussed in my Spiritual Formation class how the purpose of fasting is not to engage in asceticism for its own sake, as this can lead to self-righteousness and pride. The purpose of fasting is to draw closer to God. But now that I am realizing that anxiety is at the root of both my fear of fasting, and my depression and anger toward family, I am hoping that if I can let God transform my anxiety to peace, fasting may be a natural outgrowth of this in the near future.Last week's sermon has been an incredible source of peace for me this week. I did not have a single flare-up, and yesterday I even read about the house where we will be staying in Hilton Head, progress since even casual mention of things we should pack for the trip when my brother came to visit a few weeks ago filled me with dread.Incidentally, the next fruit of the spirit in Paul's list, and thus the sermon for tomorrow, will be on patience, and I have no doubt this sermon will also be convicting, as I think impatience undergirds my anxiety. Even though I have seen God at work when I was patient, I still have difficulty trusting God to unfold my life one day at a time and not worry about the future, not give into fear that I will never feel like a full-fledged adult, that I skipped a critical rite of passage, and that this will thwart my ability to fully thrive in life.I have made progress in that as I finished Part 1 last week, I had angry/desperate visions of returning from Hilton Head and proceeding full-speed ahead in arranging for my Rumspringa by Summer 2023, neither soliciting nor accepting input from anyone. Without doing any research or visiting campus housing to assess the vibes, I planned to live on-campus at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Illinois to complete the courses for the Chaplaincy degree which are not offered online. (In June, I applied for a remote call center position with a company whose mission is employing blind people, so accessibility would be built in. This job is authorized for residents of Wisconsin, Illinois or Minnesota, so the job could move to Trinity with me and allow me to finance my Rumspringa. But I have yet to hear back from them.) Now, while I cannot say I have ruled out Trinity, I am willing to listen to God's whisper. The spector of a looming recession is dominating the news cycle now, so it is possible the remote job may not work out after all, perhaps a whisper from God. I am open to the idea of chaplaincy programs available online, or at a university closer to home. I might even enlist the help of a pastor to pray with me, make sure I am making decisions with a clear head, not based solely on my selfish desire for independence, and related to that, perhaps offer objective agenda-free advice on where God may be calling me, and what kind of education would be best suited for this calling.But it is too soon to know if I am truly at peace, ready to surrender to God's will, or if the virus is just dormant this week, no comments or situations that caused my anxiety to flare up. Today, I wouldn't say my desire for a sort of Rumspringa is quelled, but it has cooled from a volcano of anger and desperation to a mellow curiosity over what it would be like to experience, in the words of one of my favorite songs from the Dixie Chicks, "wide open spaces, room to make a big mistake, new faces." But as thrilling as this concept seems, I also "know the high stakes" especially given my medical situation. So while I cannot quite say I have totally surrendered to God's will, I may be making progress toward trusting that God knows what he is doing, knows what is best for me, even if it is completely at odds with the "desires of my flesh." Please pray that I can continue to make progress in this area, and that I might have the wherewithall to pray for God's peace when the nasty virus of depression and anxiety flares up again. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Hello readers. I hope you are all enjoying summer. For the most part, I am, but I have to confess I have been a little irritable lately. Part of this I think is due to the heat and humidity. Perhaps because of climate change, it seems like heat and humidity gets to me, even in the house with the air conditioner on. But two other factors have made me irritable the past several summers. Actually, these factors aren’t exclusively limited to summer. Like a dormant virus, I can be fine for months, and then something will happen that triggers this irritability. It can be triggered in the winter, but it really seems to flare up in the summer, perhaps because my patience is lower due to the heat and humidity, but I think another factor is that in the winter, it is more socially acceptable to be the introverted homebody that I am, and also because winter cultural activities that do require leaving the house (choral concerts, symphony orchestra performances, musicals) appeal more to my interests than the summer culture. I have wanted to write about this for years but struggled to find the words. I wanted to be completely honest, but in a way that was mature, thoughtful, respectful, as I do live a blessed life and I don’t want to hurt the feelings of my family whom I love dearly. The situations that can trigger me are on the surface so petty and selfish that even I am embarrassed by them, and this makes me feel even worse. But I think simmering beneath the surface of all these triggers is anxiety about how it seems like I am not where I should be in life, that I am not where my older siblings were when they were my age, that my siblings and peers are growing up and changing without me and I will always be the unemployed or underemployed handicapped child living at home.On Saturday June 18, the day before Father’s Day, I accompanied my parents on a day trip to visit my brother and his wife who live in a friendly small town about an hour and a half away. Other than going to church and the gym to swim a few times, I had hardly left the house in recent weeks. Choir was over for the summer, and it had been unpleasantly hot and humid, not to mention that I am an introvert who feels most contented off-leash at home. Sure, I spend a lot of time “hulled up in my room” but when I am in my room, I am not playing mindless video games, or immersing myself in online communities that promote hate or q’annon conspiracy theories. I rarely even engage with my social media accounts anymore, especially since I became more aware during the pandemic of the degree to which news feeds are manipulated by algorithms to keep users addicted and angry. When I am “hulled up in my room” I am reading a thoughtful book or article from respected magazines like The Atlantic or The New York Times, listening to thoughtful podcasts like Throughline and Shake the Dust,taking online seminary courses, or writing. I also enjoy coming out of my room to sit around the table with my parents at mealtimes, and I look forward to interacting with friends in choir, at church and at the gym. In other words, while I do enjoy being at home, I AM NOT A HERMIT! Anyway, that Saturday, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to be on-leash for a day. My brother and his wife enjoy coming to visit us, but it had been almost a year since I had visited them, and that day we were given a respite from the heat and humidity, the perfect day to stroll through their local farmers market enjoying wonderful aromas from food vendors and listening to local musicians. My brother’s wife also mentioned taking a local riverboat tour, and I enjoy boat tours. The sighted people enjoy the scenery while I enjoy an informative, and sometimes entertaining narration of the sights, and not through an annoying headset. Sometimes, I don’t even give my full attention to the narration but just enjoy the feel of the breeze on my face and the sound of the lapping water. But as we were heading out of town, Dad called Grandma on the car bluetooth to check in with her as he does every morning. When he told her where we were going, she asked, “is Allison with you?” When Dad replied that I was, she said, “Good, I’m glad to hear she’s getting out.” I love my grandma, but I couldn’t suppress a sigh of annoyance/exasperation. Fortunately I was in the middle bucket seat of our minivan, behind Mom who was sitting up front, and the bluetooth really only picks up sound from the driver and the passenger in the front seat, so hopefully she didn’t hear it. A month earlier, Grandma generously bought me a pair of New Balance shoes for my birthday, but when I insisted on efficiency in the shoe store–I have a “get ‘er done” attitude toward shopping in brick-and-mortar stores, whereas Grandma loves to shop and could have made a whole day of it–she expressed concern that I was going down the path of another mentally ill acquaintance who hardly ever leaves the house. It is true that I was among the introvert who embraced and enjoyed the pandemic restrictions that encouraged staying home, and there are a lot of activities I am invited to but take a pass on: going out to eat (except for a few trusted restaurants), museums, shopping, sporting events, outdoor music festivals where the music is amplified unnecessarily loud in the tents and where outside the tent, people are blowing second-hand cigarette smoke in my face. I have always declined these activities, but I suppose since I am no longer employed outside the house and choir is over for the summer, the amount of time I stay home is more pronounced. But even pre-pandemic when I worked outside the house three days a week at the Social Security disability lawfirm, spent three hours at church most Sunday mornings to attend an apologetics discussion group before the worship service, attended a women’s Bible study with Mom and a neighbor/longtime family friend on Tuesday mornings, went to choir rehearsal Tuesday evenings, went swimming at the gym most Thursdays, attended several excellent plays at the Milwaukee Repertory Theater with my parents, and occasionally participated in social events with a group of young adults from church on Saturdays, Dad still had the nerve to call me a hermit on a couple occasions. I distinctly remember one of those occasions being when we were watching a news story about someone who really was a hermit in the unhealthy sense of the word. I know I should give Grandma and Dad the benefit of the doubt. When I was in elementary school, I used to ride along with my dad to Indiana to visit Grandma and Grandpa. Sometimes my teenage siblings came along, but oftentimes, they stayed home. During these years, Grandpa’s health was failing, so he slept most of the day. After making him lunch and giving him his medication, he would go back to bed, and Grandma would take me shopping at the mall, where she introduced me to all the salespeople whom she knew well. Even then, I found trying on clothes to be a little tedious, but I was more compliant because I loved being the center of attention, and Grandma enjoyed lavishing me with this attention because she loved shopping, but had only sons, and I was one of only two granddaughters (the other being my sister). Perhaps she just misses the little girl I used to be. Perhaps since I am the baby of the family, Dad also misses the little girl I used to be. In addition to the aforementioned trips to Indiana, just the two of us, I often accompanied him to the bakery to get donuts on Saturdays, or to the carwash. I enjoyed this one-on-one time with Dad, and before acquiring adult interests, being at home was actually boring, especially since my teenage siblings hated my favorite kid shows. He has also told me that all his life, he felt tied down, first by the family hotel business, and then by an office job for 40 years. For him, true freedom and relaxation is getting in the car and going somewhere, anywhere, and he just wants me to be “holy, healthy and happy.” He cannot imagine that I am happy spending as much time as I do at home. When the virus is dormant, I can give family this benefit of the doubt, but when the virus flares up, all Christian clarity seems to go out the window.My sister took the initiative to plan a family vacation in the near future. We have not managed to get the entire family together since Thanksgiving of 2019. Since then, both of my brothers have gotten married, and my sister and I have yet to meet the wife of my brother who lives out in Oregon. Their jobs have kept them too busy to make it to Wisconsin. While I am not a fan of traveling, I will concede my sister is right that our house isn’t big enough to comfortably host our growing family. My sister was worried about having only two bathrooms for nine people. (It was hard enough sharing two bathrooms with six people growing up). I would have to share my bedroom. My sister, to her credit, took my feelings into account, and instead of planning a vacation that would require sharing a tiny hotel room with snoring family members, navigating subway trains, and having to find gluten free restaurants, my sister realized that the perfect vacation for our adult family, and one that would meet all of my needs too, is a beach house vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina. She was familiar with the beach house concept from her husband’s side of the family, and said that these houses have big fancy kitchens, so we would not have to seek out gluten free restaurants, and in fact, cooking and eating dinner together is part of the beach house experience. Furthermore, we could all choose our own leisure activities during the day, or find plenty of privacy to work from home, which she and her husband would most likely be doing, so there would be nothing wrong with me staying in my room and doing school work. My sister and her husband actually lived in Hilton Head for a few months in 2020 to escape the pandemic which was ravaging New York City, and while she has found it difficult to work remotely from other destinations due to crappy hotel Wifi, she said she had no trouble with the Wifi in Hilton Head. Each couple would have their own bedroom and bathroom, and since I do not have a partner yet, I would get a bedroom and bathroom all to myself! “I don’t rough it,” she told me. She has had some really bad hotel experiences too. On the surface, there is no rational explanation for not entirely looking forward to this vacation. I should not only be looking forward to it, but recognize what a privilege it is that my family is fortunate enough to take such a vacation that 99 percent of the world’s population can only dream of. But this was the summer I was toying with applying for a residency program at a local church to supplement my seminary studies with real-world church ministry experience, and if accepted for the program, I planned to contact Occupaws about being matched with my second guide dog. But the beach house rental contracts are for a full week, and since my sister convinced my parents to drive so that they could bring beach toys and board games that would be too difficult to fly with, we would really be away from home more like a week and a half, and the dates that worked out best for the rest of the family would be basically close to the beginning of the school year which corresponds with the beginning of many church ministry programs. When I asked hypothetically if I could stay home, or stay for a shorter duration should I be accepted into the residency program, my parents basically said no, but assured me that there is nothing wrong with informing an employer of pre-planned vacations upon hire, and that people do this all the time. Maybe so, but given that I would be missing the first or second week of ministry programs, the fear that I would be at an awkward disadvantage when I returned consumed me, and I decided not to apply. I also feel like the family doesn’t fully appreciate that given the 70 percent unemployment rate for blind people, I need to begin a new job with an even more pristine work reputation than would be required for a typical candidate. And I wasn’t sure that introducing a guide dog I had barely begun to bond with to the entire noisy family in an unfamiliar setting would be wise either. I hate that I think this way. I am aware of the irony of wanting to work in a church setting when my thoughts in my personal life are so far from the Christian walk of self-sacrificial love. I am aware, from many sermons and from my Spiritual Formation class that when pastors make their career an idol and neglect family relationships, their career, and their mental health ultimately suffers. I hate that “what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do– this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19, TNIV). I have to say this is one of my favorite Bible verses. Knowing that even the apostle Paul struggled with this is the only reason I haven’t given into despair and hopelessness about my hypocrisy.One career path I have been considering is chaplaincy because when I worked at the Social Security disability firm, I really enjoyed talking to people battling serious conditions like cancer, and while I wasn’t allowed to explicitly share my faith, I remember thinking that if given a little formal training and a context where I could share the Gospel, I would love to make a career of ministering to these people. But just after Christmas, the dormant irritability virus flared up again when my parents wanted to go to Indiana to visit Granny who now lives in a nursing home. None of my other siblings, or any of the cousins for that matter, would be there, and I really wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet at home to just write or maybe read a good book after what had been a busy semester. But my parents took it as a given that I would be going to Indiana, and got really upset when I tried to tell them I wanted to stay home. To be fair, when Mom saw how glum I was, we had a constructive discussion in which she confessed that she was worried about leaving me home alone overnight given my seizure in 2017. She would have let me stay home on that trip, and I was allowed to stay home without an ounce of pressure on a subsequent trip in May, but I ended up going at Christmas after all because I hadn’t visited Granny in-person since the Christmas before the pandemic, and I also heard a facetious voice from God in my mind drawing attention to my hypocrisy, “so you want to be a chaplain and sit at the bedsides of sick people, but you cannot be bothered to visit your own grandma in the same situation? Excellent career choice! And is compassion really genuine when you are being paid for the time spent at a patient’s bedside?” True compassion is cultivated when it is self-sacrificial and unpaid, which is perhaps one of the many reasons God put us in families. The greek word that translates to compassion literally means “to suffer with” and by sitting at Granny’s bedside talking to her while Mom helped her cut up some chicken they brought her for dinner, I hated feeling powerless to do anything to make her situation more enjoyable, but was moved when just being there and talking to her seemed to lift her spirits.By the time my sister came to visit at the beginning of June, I wasn’t entirely thrilled about being away from home for a week and a half, and postponing the start of life with a new guide dog and the launch of a new career by a year, but once again, through reflection on my own hypocrisy, I was slowly coming to terms with it. In fact, I should know well from past experiencethat as cliche as the saying is, everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe I would be better prepared for the residency if I took one more year to complete a couple additional courses. Maybe God has an opportunity in store for me that is a much more appropriate fit than the residency would have been, and he orchestrated this trip, and my corresponding hesitancy to apply for the residency to slow me down so I wouldn’t miss his better plan. And then we were sitting down to dinner and while I don’t remember the exact larger context of the conversation, it had nothing to do with the Hilton Head vacation. As part of the conversation I casually mentioned that I might have to splurge and treat myself to some Brad’s crunchy kale. This snack is one of the few crunchy processed snacks I still allow myself to eat because all of the ingredients are healthy, but they are so ridiculously expensive I only order them once or twice a year. But when I said this, my sister said she could get me some in Hilton Head and that would be something to look forward to on the trip. And with that, I had a flare-up. I couldn’t shake a grumpy, glum mood the rest of her visit. First of all, it’s not as though this snack is a special treat only available in Hilton Head, in the same way that alligator stew is unique to New Orleans, or at least I have never seen it on a Midwestern restaurant menu. The crunchy kale is manufactured in Pipersville, Pennsylvania, and Mom or Dad could drive five minutes down the road and buy a bag from Pick ‘n Save. (I only order them because I feel less guilty eating them when I have bought them with my own money, and because I can get a case of 12 bags.) But more importantly, I love my sister, but with this comment, I sensed she still thinks of me as the little sister she used to babysit who could be bribed with candy.After the farmers market that Saturday with my brother and his wife, Dad found a lunch place where I had a wonderful gluten-free salad garnished with sunflower seeds and topped with chicken, and then we came back to their house where I enjoyed a fresh peach while they sliced up some pies they bought from an amish vendor at the farmers market. As they raved about how delicious the pies were, the perfect analogy came to me, the perfect words to express what I think I need, the thing that might finally slay the dormant virus. I need my Rumspringa.The amish community has strict rules regarding dress, simple living, moral conduct. But around age 16, amish youth go through a rite of passage called Rumspringa, a german word that translates “running around.” During this period, they are permitted to leave the community, see what it is like to live in the outside world (“dress english” drive cars, use technology, even experiment with alcohol and drugs.) After this period, which generally lasts around two years, youth must decide whether they want to be officially baptized into the amish community and live by its strict rules for life, or whether they want to live in the outside world. If they choose to live in the outside world, they are shunned, which is viewed by the community as an act of tough love.Of course, this is far from a perfect analogy to my situation, but when youth in Western societies go off to college, strike out on their own as my older siblings did, I think you could call this a sort of Rumspringa. All of my siblings have expressed interest in spending more time with family recently, humbled by the pandemic no doubt and also because they are all married now and have reached a point in life where they are ready to settle down. But there was a period of a few years where they fell off the family map. They would generally call every couple weeks, or if we hadn’t heard from them in a couple weeks, my parents would call them for a welfare check, but they did not go to Indiana to visit extended family for holidays or summer reunions, which didn’t seem to concern my parents, and there were periods when my parents and I didn’t see them in-person for months at a time. When they did come home, they were changed people, especially my oldest brother and sister who moved further away, as they were exposed to new people, cultures and ideas. The summer after fourth grade, my parents took most of the family to Washington D.C., and over Spring break in fifth grade, most of us went on a Caribbean cruise. I say most of us because for both of these big family vacations, my oldest brother was in college, living in an apartment downtown doing his own thing, and did not come with us. I don’t remember my parents being upset by this at all. The cruise was a lot of fun, especially the day I got to kiss a dolphin in Nassau Island. The week of museums in Washington D.C., not so much. (I would not have wanted to be left home alone for a week from D.C., even if it would have been legal. I would have just liked even one day in a swimming pool instead of a museum). But on these first couple trips without my oldest brother, I remember being struck with the realization that, “wow, we will all grow up and be off doing our own thing like him someday. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Even if sensible gun regulations are implemented, I have heard multiple experts say it will be awhile before we notice a reduction in violent crime because there are so many guns in circulation, but even if we could hypothetically pull all guns out of circulation today, someone intent on killing people could find another way. The thousands of years of human history before the invention of modern guns was plagued by violence committed using bows and arrows, swords, wild animals, stones, and of course, the cross. In my community just before Thanksgiving, a disturbed individual killed six people at a Christmas parade by intentionally plowing through the parade with his car. Early Christians permanently transformed Western society, ending the practice of gladiator rings, starting the first orphanages for unwanted children, and the first hospitals, and caring for the poor and the widowed, and in so doing, opening the eyes of many metaphorically blind people to the value of all human life. But until Christ returns and transforms hearts, there will always be people who reject him, a rejection that is externally reflected by conduct that does not value every human life, and thus, there will always be violence. But just because we mortal humans have no hope of completely eradicating violence by our own power does not give us permission to just throw in the towel, let the world crumble around us and just hunker down and endure life until God takes us to heaven. Scripture is clear that we should do what we can to seek the “peace and prosperity of the city to which I (God) have carried you into exile” because when it prospers, we also prosper (Jeremiah 29:7). For context, this verse is part of a letter that the prophet Jeremiah addressed to Israelites exiled to Babylon. False prophets had told them that this exile would be very brief and they would be able to return to their homeland quickly, an assurance which encouraged the Israelites not to get comfortable, or settle into the new land. Jeremiah’s purpose is to correct this disinformation, as God told him the exile would last seventy years, so the people should settle down, plant crops, marry, have children, and seek the peace and prosperity of their new land. But the concept of exile is a recurring theme in the Bible, and the New Testament teaches that all who wish to follow him should think of themselves as exiles. This world which has for the most part rejected Him, is not our true home. Yet it is his will that we live here awhile for the purpose of shining light into the darkness, drawing people to us by the way we live our lives and thus ultimately drawing lost people to Him.For my American church history course this past semester, I had to read a monograph and write a critical book review. The book I chose to read was “The Color of Compromise” written by Jemar Tisby. In the opening chapter, Jemar Tisby recounts the horrific bombing of the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church in Birmingham September 15, 1963 which killed four young black girls. The following day, a local white lawyer, Charles Morgan Jr. gave a speech at a luncheon at the all-white Young Men’s Business Club where he stated that it really doesn’t matter who planted the bomb because i a sense, “we all did it.” This speech resulted in death threats to him and his family, to the point that he ended up closing his practice, moving away and starting a new career in civil rights law. But Jemar Tisby praised this lawyer’s bravery and willingness to speak the truth which would become the overarching theme of Jemar Tisby’s book, which is that “the most egregious acts of racism, like a church bombing, occur within a context of compromise” (Page 18). Every crude racist joke, every use of the n-word, “provided fertile soil for the seeds of hatred to grow” (Page 18). I agree with Jemar Tisby’s argument, and I believe this idea of complicity could be applied to gun violence as well. I believe Christians today have the capability, the privilege, and duty to continue reforming society just as the early Christians did. I don’t have all the answers as to how we could do this, but I think an excellent place to start would be for professed Christians to recognize and work toward ending our complicity with the violent culture. First and foremost, I think this means studying Scripture to make sure we aren’t practicing Christian nationalism, which isn’t really Christian at all, as a key feature of Christian nationalism is the conception of Jesus as a white American image of rugged masculinity. The modern conception of masculinity shames boys for crying when Scripture states that Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died (even though he knew that God would resurrect Lazarus on his behalf) and Peter wept bitterly when the rooster crowed and he had denied Jesus three times, just as Jesus foretold he would. I am sure there are even more instances of men crying in Scripture that just aren’t coming to my mind right now. Christian nationalism hijacks the God of the Bible by reshaping and reducing him to an idol of our own imagination. One of the books I want to read this summer is “Jesus and John Wayne” which my church history professor briefly mentioned, and after reading this book, I am sure I will be inspired to write another blog with new insights on this subject. But I think I understand the issue enough to say with confidence that although there was a great deal of warfare in the Old Testament, Jesus is supposed to have transformed our hearts to seek peace, and to recognize that “all who draw the sword will die by the sword” (Matthew 26:52). To that end, I believe all Christians should follow the example of Quakers and Jehovah’s Witnesses who are pacifists. Even if our country is directly attacked, Christians should bow out and leave even defensive warfare to the secular world, recognizing that this country, determined by man-made borders is not our true home, and it is more important to pledge our allegiance to God by valuing all human life and leaving justice to Him.Scripture permits the killing and eating of animals, and thus I think hunting is permissible. No one in our family carried on the hunting tradition after Papaw passed away. We are people who prefer the modern sanitized convenience of buying our meat from the grocery store and not having to think too much about where it came from, but I had a friend in college whose father killed a deer every year during hunting season and stored the meat in the freezer, which fed her family for months. There is nothing wrong with this. (As an aside, I think it is worth mentioning that respect for all of God’s creation mandates we only take what we need, which precludes hunting animals for the sole purpose of displaying their heads as trophies.) In any case, you do not need an assault weapon to kill a deer, and in fact when describing the power of an assault weapon to me, Mom once said if you shot a deer with such a gun, you wouldn’t have any meat left to eat! Christians should only own guns for hunting purposes, or for people living in rural areas to kill aggressive wildlife (as a last resort if more humane measures have proven ineffective, or the animal displays clear signs of having rabies). In my personal opinion, there are countless recreational activities that are more constructive than going to a shooting range, but I don’t think there is anything unbiblical about this activity done in moderation, and gun ranges could be useful for people to practice shooting if they haven’t been hunting or needed to kill an aggressive animal for awhile. But if recreation is your only reason for wanting a gun, why not just rent a gun when you get to the range, and return it when you leave? That way you can enjoy an afternoon of shooting for pleasure, and then go home and sleep easy with no worry that your gun could be stolen and used in a crime, found by a child or accessed by yourself or a family member someday in an impulsive act of desperation during a difficult season.Christians should be the most passionate proponents of gun safety to ensure that their guns do not take human life. All Christians should follow Papaw’s lead and hide their guns so thoroughly that your children grow up not knowing where they were kept, and keep the bullets completely separate from the gun. Of course, this would make it difficult to use the gun for defense against an intruder, but if Christians are truly fearful of harm coming to them or their families at the hands of another human, they should carry something like mace to temporarily hinder the perpetrator until law enforcement can arrive and arrest them, which both respects the value of all human life, and avoids the irreversible mistake of being startled and accidentally killing a family member you thought was an intruder, a heartbreaking tragedy which occasionally makes the news.Although I believe this is a fringe view, I think I would be remiss if I didn’t address the rationale of some that ownership of powerful guns is necessary because they may potentially need them in the future to resist a tyrannical government. It is tempting to mock such views, but I am trying to empathize by considering that at some point, we all have wild ideas, idealistic visions, especially in youth. I liken this view to when I was a teenager whose interest in journalism was sparked by Buck Williams, the brave journalist in the Left Behind Series who left his secure life at a secular newspaper to accept Christ and expose the truth about the anti-Christ even in the face of persecution. I glowed with pride my junior year of high school when I got an internship at a local newspaper where I was treated like an adult, given my own byline for a couple of real news articles and even assigned to report election results back to the editors in a 2007 local election. I couldn’t wait to graduate college and then save the world, expose lies, hold corrupt politicians accountable. But when I graduated college, the journalism landscape and the economy had changed, and I could not find a job in this field. This is not intended to be a pity party though because I realize now that even if I had landed a dream job in a news room, I really wouldn’t have made much of a difference in the world. I mean, look at how much ink was spent, how many television documentaries were made in 2015 and 2016 on Donald Trump’s complete lack of integrity and yet other forces prevailed and he was elected as our 45th president. Look at how many heartbreaking interviews journalists have conducted with grieving parents after a mass shooting, and yet many politicians are still steadfast in their unwillingness to pass sensible gun legislation. I am not saying that journalism has no value. If we didn’t have dedicated journalists to expose Donald Trump for who he is, more people might have been charmed into voting for him due to simple ignorance. If journalists didn’t interview grieving parents or survivors of gun violence, the public would have been largely ignorant about these tragedies too and therefore would not have mobilized to organize marches to demand action from legislators. But journalism must be kept in proper perspective. I had to accept that even the most brilliant and dedicated journalists are no match for the powerful forces of this fallen world. Similarly I think, a few individuals with assault rifles would in reality be no match for the capabilities a tyrannical government would have: truly rigged elections, if there are elections at all, kangaroo courts, virtually inescapable surveillance, bombs, chemical weapons. We all need to abandon childish fantasies and recognize that we mere mortals really cannot change the world, at least not by conventional methods.Even in Jesus’s day, when people started to recognize that Jesus was the messiah they had long waited for, they had idealistic visions of him riding into Jerusalem, overthrowing the oppressive Roman empire and establishing himself as an earthly king. They had difficulty accepting the far less glamorous reality that Jesus had to be crucified and die to fulfill Scripture. We need to show mercy to Lauren Boebert instead of laughing at her (as difficult as that is) who joked at a recent Christian conference where she was invited to speak that if Jesus would have had multiple AR-15s, he could have stopped his government from killing him. From her tone it is obvious she is joking, but given the extent to which nationalism has hijacked Christianity and caused people to idolize guns, I personally think she is only half joking. But we should think of her as one of many lost sheep whom nationalism and the gun lobby have led astray. The truth of course is that Jesus actually did have a comparable (superior really) celestial equivalent to the AR-15: as the son of God, he could have called on his father in heaven who would have sent “more than twelve legions of angels” to slay his persecutors and save him (Matthew 26:53). But Jesus said his crucifixion had to happen so that Scripture could be fulfilled and our sin could be forgiven. In the same way, I think we were meant to imitate Jesus by patiently enduring any persecution that may come from a tyrannical government, and to resist not by drawing guns, but by simply living righteously, drawing people to us, and therefore to Christ by our radical, countercultural lifestyles just as the early Christians did.Speaking of a radical, countercultural lifestyle, this is the perfect segue to my final idea, perhaps the most controversial, but I think the most important means of reforming hearts in our society. I believe violence could be reduced if violence wasn’t so casually interwoven in our culture: our music, movies, toys, video games, even true crime podcasts and television programs like Dateline. The community where my mom was raised was on the right track in strictly prohibiting children from pointing toy guns at one another. But perhaps it is time to go further and stop marketing toy guns to children, encouraging nonviolent “good guy” play instead such as fire trucks to put out pretend fires and rescue innocent people, or encourage children to imagine cops-and-robbers scenarios where they arrest the pretend robber and march him back to a pretend store to return what he stole, instead of just shooting him. I remember my science teacher from sixth grade explaining to us that candy cigarettes were first created by the tobacco companies as a marketing tactic. Smoking real cigarettes does not appeal to very young children, but the companies knew that if children had happy childhood memories of candy cigarettes, some of them would be drawn to real cigarettes when they grew up. I believe the same rationale could be applicable with toy guns. Even though most children who play with toy guns won’t grow up to kill real people, I think our culture could benefit from re-imagining childhood play, especially for boys to make sure that at least for the next generation, children do not even subconsciously associate violence with happy memories and carefree play.     Even I am complicit in this violent culture. I don’t watch violent movies, but not so much due to moral superiority, but the simple fact that the racket of gunfire on TV almost gives me a headache. (Several war movies are available with audio description, so I could follow these movies if I wanted to). I don’t play video games, but that could merely be because as far as I know, video games are entirely visual. But I love old country songs, especially the gunfighter ballads of artists like Marty Robins. They are beautiful musically, and the stories they tell are fun to listen to, and sing along with. I am not obsessed with true crime as some people are, but I do enjoy watching the occasional Dateline murder mystery. Of course, most adults who watch true crime shows or enjoy singing along to gunfighter ballads would never even think of committing an act of violence in real life. But as far back as August 2019 when I was inspired to reflect on what daily life might look like after the restoration,I started to wonder if we might look back on our former lives and shudder about how much time we spent being entertained by murder mysteries. This thought returned in my reflection on our country’s gun violence epidemic, and I have come to the conviction that our consumption of violence as entertainment devalues human life. I know that if someone in my family was murdered, I would be pretty upset if my family’s tragedy was made into a TV show that millions of people might enjoy cozy on the couch, maybe with a bowl of popcorn on a Friday night, enjoying the suspense as to who might have killed my family member, or whether the jury will find him guilty or not guilty. And when I am walking on the treadmill singing along to Marty Robins about the stranger with the big iron on his hip, it is all too easy to get lost in the music, Marty Robins’s rich voice and a joyful melody that evokes romanticized images of the wild west and forget that the song is about an outlaw coming to take the life of someone’s son, brother or father. Given the alarming increase in violence, and even the increasing global instability, Christians should take the lead in living radically, eschewing media that has a negative influence on the subconsciouses of people of all ages and backgrounds, media that associates violence with suspense, bravery, justice, honor, or anything other than the senseless taking of the life of someone’s son or daughter, brother or sister, mother or father.Be assured readers that I fully intend to practice what I preach. Last night, I deleted two Marty Robins gunfighter ballads that came to mind right away, as well as some modern country songs depicting violence that I have enjoyed. These include “Goodbye Earl from the Dixie Chicks which narrates the story of two friends conspiring to kill an abusive husband and live happily ever after, as well as “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” and “Beer for my Horses” from Toby Keith which both glorify violence and are also glaring examples of white American folk religion. I am already thinking of a few more songs that I will be deleting right away after I publish this. The only ballad I kept is a Johnny Cash song, “Don’t Take Your Guns to Town.” The song tells the story of Billy Joe, a restless young man who wants to leave the farm, but his mother pleads with him “don’t take your guns to town, son.” This plea is the refrain that haunts the entire song. He assures his mother that he is a man now, and rides into town giddy but also nervous. To calm himself, he enters a bar and orders his first strong liquor, but when another man in the bar laughs at him, he is filled with rage and reaches for one of his guns, but the stranger draws his gun faster and kills Billy Joe. The melody and tone of the song is somber. The instrumentation at the beginning and end of the song sounds like a funeral bell tolling. In short, the song does not glorify guns. It is a heartbreaking, cautionary tale.Yes, this is radical, and I know some readers might understandably charge that I am going overboard. But the inspiration for this radical idea came from another brilliant quote from Dallas Willard later in his chapter on the power structures of this world. According to Dallas Willard, “The tyrants, satanic forces, and oppressive practices of this world play upon our “merely decent” lives as a master organist dominates his or her instrument but is wholly powerless without it” (Spirit of the Disciplines, Page 234). What I believe Dallas Willard is arguing is that while your average normal, decent person claims to abhor evil acts such as an elementary school shooting, these “mad individuals” are a product of our culture, and while education, or church attendance, or new laws may have a small degree of positive impact, we cannot truly get to the root of the causes of evil with superficial solutions that allow us to go on living our lives as we always have. The only effective treatment for the disease of evil in our world is character transformation. Of course, universal character transformation will not occur in this country because we are not (and never were) an exclusively Christian nation, and we certainly do not want to live in a man-made theocracy of forced conformity as history has proven this system comes with hypocrisy and evil of its own. (I will be elaborating more on this in the near future given current events). But true Christians can no longer afford to go to church one hour a week and give lip-service to our belief in Christ, and then come home and plunge right back into an angry culture of hate and division that glorifies violence, as too many Christians, especially white evangelicals do today. I believe Christians today could take the lead in bringing about significant positive change in our world, just as the first-century Christians did, but this can only happen if we live as Jesus commanded, in this world but not of this world. Dallas Willard is no longer living, but I get the sense that if he were alive to comment on current events, he would call for Christians to make this radical change of lifestyle.Even if there is a widespread movement of radical character transformation led by Christians, the loss of innocence is likely here to stay. It breaks my heart that active shooter drills are standard practice in elementary school, and I cannot promise future sons, daughters, nieces or nephews that their elementary school is an impenetrable fortress. But it is my hope that I can at least tell them that we have made progress, that violence is not as prevalent as it used to be, that we are working toward a more perfect union, not in the nationalistic sense, but a more perfect union with Christ. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Hello readers. I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. I really hoped to write something at least once a week now that I am on summer vacation, but somehow–I am still not entirely sure how–I irritated my sciatic nerve, and was in so much pain for a couple weeks, and sleepy due to a muscle relaxer an urgent care doctor prescribed, and the increased use of ibuprofen he recommended, that I didn’t feel like writing. I feel so much better now. I am almost back to my normal activity level although if I bend over too long or trip over something, I can feel the nerve throb a little. Mornings are also still a little humbling to the point that I find myself singing a line from a Garth Brooks song, “I’m much too young to feel this damn old” as the nerve is so stiff from sleeping all night, and possibly being a little dehydrated (which the doctor said causes muscles to contract) that I am limping for the first couple hours until the muscles have absorbed some ibuprofen and had time to wake up. But the doctor said given how large this nerve is, it takes a good month for such an injury to heal, and Thursday will be the one month mark.In other news, I earned an 84% on my human dignity research paper, not the greatest grade, but not the worst either. But as I mentioned, this paper was personal for me, so the score doesn’t really matter to me. I am still waiting on the feedback, and once I receive the feedback, I still plan to share my essay here, but in the meantime, recent events have inspired me to contemplate another issue that I also think is relevant to the topic of human dignity. I wish I could have published this in a more timely fashion, as the Uvalde tragedy has already receded from the news cycle. But as I have discussed before, I like to put a lot of thought into my posts. I like to give my writing my best–as in, not making myself write when I am not feeling great unless I have to meet a school deadline–and especially regarding this subject, I wanted to make sure my post wasn’t a collection of partisan talking points, but a balanced and thoughtful commentary.The personal conviction I defend in my research paper is unashamedly pro-life. But unfortunately, recent events have compelled me to re-iterate a position that I have mentioned frequently in this blog, which is that politics and true Christianity cannot mix. In other words, it has been disheartening to witness the same politicians who pass strict abortion laws to protect unborn children do nothing to protect children from being murdered at school because they are so beholden to the gun lobby. As numerous blog posts on Red Letter Christians have pointed out over the years, an authentic pro-life conviction would oppose not just abortion but unrestricted access to guns, (especially assault rifles which were originally intended only for battlefield settings), racist policies which have subjected many people of color to contaminated air and water, even cuts to medicaid and other social welfare programs that millions of children depend on for food, shelter and healthcare. A few years ago, an adamantly pro-life relative raised the argument that we might get to heaven and lament to God that we never found a cure for cancer, and God might say, “I created the person who would have found the cure, but you aborted them.” As hyperbolic and sensationalized as this argument is, it does have an element of truth. We will never know the potentially wonderful contributions aborted children might have brought to the world. But we will also never know what black children in Flint, Michigan could have achieved if their brains hadn’t been damaged from lead poisoning, or what poor children across all races could have achieved if they had access to proper nutrition, healthcare, housing and quality education. And we will never know what the children of Columbine, Parkland, Sandy Hook (and so many other schools I cannot even remember them all), and now Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas, could have achieved if they had not been murdered by disturbed individuals with no business holding guns, but who all purchased their guns legally.As I have mentioned before, my parents did not believe in any kind of censorship. I was allowed to read whatever I wanted–I even read The Da Vinci Code in eighth grade–and I was never sent out of the room when a television show was prefaced with “viewer discretion is advised.” For the most part, I look back on this and recognize it as a beautiful privilege that I still thank my parents for, as I feel this exposure to the real world, and this intellectual freedom has made me more open-minded and prepared for the world than some of my sheltered, Christian peers. But I have light-heartedly told my parents that the one thing I might do differently is not let my children watch shows like America’s Most Wanted. The host of that show John Walsh, made it his life mission to help law enforcement track down dangerous criminals after his six-year-old son was kidnapped and murdered. To that end, the show would recount the crimes of dangerous fugitives, sometimes in graphic detail, even reenactments, give viewers pictures of the suspect and information on where and when he was last seen, and invite them to call an anonymous tip line if they have any information that might help police. The reenactments of crimes, especially when the victims were children were disturbing. Sure, I couldn’t see what was going on, but in college, I had a friend who said she found old-fashioned movies that didn’t depict murder in graphic detail but left the details up to the imagination scarier and thus more entertaining than modern movies. I don’t think I mentioned my experience watching America’s Most Wanted, but perhaps a similar principle applies, the difference of course being that I wouldn’t call my experience entertaining because the reenactments depicted real crimes. Most nights, I wasn’t afraid to go to bed after this show which aired at 9:00 every Saturday night because the crimes were often domestic violence, or retribution for a bad drug deal, horrible situations of course, but situations my child mind didn’t worry about because the monsters who committed these crimes would have no interest in coming for me. But every now and then, the show would feature criminals who kidnapped children or broke into people’s homes and murdered them just for the thrill of it. Knowing that there were people capable of such senseless evil in the world was terrifying, especially when John Walsh said, “he could be anywhere tonight.” Could he be in my closet? In the basement waiting for the family to go to sleep? My parents assured me that these crimes are extremely rare, and that coupled with the fact that our house is difficult to find even for bus drivers and repairmen given that we live i a somewhat secluded suburb, and the fact that a criminal would have a very difficult time kidnapping me since I was always holding onto the arm of a parent or older sibling when I left the house, all of whom were physically fit and would be able to protect me, meant I was usually able to put things into perspective and fall asleep quickly.I was nine years old and in third grade when Columbine happened. I think my siblings were disturbed by it because instead of watching cartoons or Jeopardy as they usually did after school, I came in from the bus to hear the television tuned to the news. They must have heard about it at school, since two of my siblings were in high school, and my brother was in seventh grade and starting to think about high school. But I was able to cope by dismissing it as something that happens in the big scary high school. I didn’t have to think about high school for five years. Almost all of my peers were naturally respectful and kind, and much of the curriculum at Burleigh was devoted to life skills, including treating one another with respect. There were a couple bullies in the before school daycare I had to attend two days a week who did not apply these lessons, but they were the garden variety kind that stole toys from me and excluded me from games. I never feared being a victim of violence, even from them. It never even crossed my mind that a gunman from the outside could enter an elementary school. In my mind, Burleigh Elementary School was a fortress, a warm, safe brick building surrounded by a tall fence and filled with vigilant staff who took safety very seriously. Once in first or second grade, I heard a story on the news about a crime committed on Burleigh Road, but my parents explained that Burleigh Road is a long road, and the location of the crime was nowhere near Burleigh Elementary School. We had monthly fire drills, with each teacher meticulously counting to make sure we all made it out of the building, and we had an annual tornado drill. One day due to unusually fierce wind a few months before Columbine, the assistant principal announced that recess would be indoors out of an abundance of caution due to power lines located relatively close to the playground. When I was in elementary school, the idea of an active shooter drill was not even a concept in my imagination. In my child mind, and even in my young adult mind, elementary schools were sacrosanct, even for serial killers, and in the infinitesimally unlikely event that a gunman did take interest in Burleigh Elementary School, they could never penetrate the fortress. This innocence and sense of safety was of course shattered by the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012. I couldn’t find the words to blog about it then, but as I watched the news coverage of that horrific event, I found myself imagining myself as a first or second grader coming home from school, hearing of this event and being terrified to go back to school the following Monday because if such evil could take place at that elementary school, it could happen at Burleigh Elementary School. It was interesting listening to the advice of a child psychologist on how parents should respond if their elementary school-age children become aware of the Sandy Hook tragedy. The expert advised saying something to the effect of, “One very bad guy got into that elementary school, but police got him. You are safe.” This may have placated me enough to return to Burleigh Elementary School the following Monday morning, but I still think my innocence, my impression of Burleigh Elementary School as a sacrosanct, impenetrable fortress would have been shattered. Looking back on my childhood from an adult perspective, I realize with a cold chill that as safety-conscious as the staff at Burleigh Elementary School was, I think they had the same sense of innocence and invincibility that I felt. The idea of a gunman barging into an elementary school was just as unimaginable to the adults.On another occasion when I was in second grade–it might have been my oldest brother’s Catholic confirmation–some members of the extended family gathered at our house and my big ears caught the adults in a conversation about guns. I don’t remember the exact context, but as an adult, I think I can reasonably infer that the conversation must have been around perplexity as to why there was more gun violence even in 1998 than when they were growing up. Anyway, I remember Mom saying, “everyone owned guns where I grew up. My dad owns guns.” This shocked me to the core. Papaw, my paternal grandpa who loved little children and looked forward to rocking me to sleep when I came to visit? Papaw who had more difficulty speaking because of Parkinsons but whom my mom said was always soft-spoken, whom she had never heard raise his voice? That Papaw owned guns? Given all of the stories of gun violence in the city that I picked up on the news, I thought only bad guys owned guns. I always felt completely safe at Granny and Papaw’s house, but now I wasn’t so sure. At the time, Mom consoled me by explaining that he never used them, except to go hunting occasionally. Furthermore, there was absolutely no chance that I would find them while playing and accidentally shoot myself or be shot by a cousin because he kept them so thoroughly hidden that she did not even know where they were. He also kept the bullets completely separate from the gun.As I got older, I would learn that Papaw was a member of the NRA, but when Mom was growing up, the NRA was unrecognizable compared to what it is today. The NRA promoted the value of gun sports like hunting, but also took gun safety very seriously, even supporting gun regulation. It wasn’t until the 1980s that conservatives re-interpreted the second amendment as granting the absolute right of almost anyone to own any type of gun, when the wording of the second amendment suggests that the Founders’ intentions when drafting this amendment were far more narrow, only granting the right to keep and bear arms to the extent necessary for a “well regulated militia.” Like most men of his World War II generation, Papaw did not register his guns because in every country the Nazis occupied, they gained control partly by obtaining gun registration records and then going door-to-door confiscating all registered guns. But although that generation fiercely defended their right to bear arms, gun safety was baked into the culture. In addition to following all gun safety procedures, especially keeping the bullets completely separate from the gun, my mom recalls that when they were playing, they would get in trouble if they pointed a toy gun, or even a stick that they were pretending to be a gun at someone. They could point toy guns in the air and pretend to shoot space aliens or imaginary bad guys, but never each other. This rule surprised me when Mom first mentioned it, but it makes sense. Habits, thoughts and attitudes start to form at an early age. Of course, even most children who point a toy gun at their friend won’t grow up to kill with a real gun, and I am sure there are people who grew up with a strict culture of gun safety whose hearts turned to evil. I am not naive. I recognize that every generation of human history has been plagued by violence. But even if strict rules for children won’t ultimately change the human heart, I can appreciate the value of engraining in children that guns are serious business. All this is to say that as I have been reflecting on yet another elementary school shooting, I am beginning to come to the conclusion that guns in and of themselves are not the problem. The problem is a culture that glorifies violence, raises boys to feel ashamed if they express any emotion other than anger resulting in a lack of empathy which commonly leads to violence, and idolizes guns to the point that too many people treat real guns like toys.Charleton Heston’s famous quote does have a grain of truth to it. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But because of our culture which has led to a nation with more guns than people, we do need to pass sensible gun control legislation because right now, guns are too accessible for people who want to kill other people, or themselves. (While this post, and the news cycle focuses on mass shootings, we should not overlook the fact that most gun deaths are suicides. According to a very compelling episode of The Bulwark I listened to recently which featured a former NRA lobbyist turned whistleblower, suicide is an impulsive decision, so experts believe many people who commit suicide with a gun may not have done so if guns were not so readily available.) I am sure Papaw would have supported a ban on assault weapons, weapons originally intended for the battlefield setting, red flag laws, background checks and a waiting period before someone can purchase a gun. Another reform I think would be valuable which gets less media attention is a requirement that all gun owners must complete an in-person gun safety course, pass a test and obtain a license. The license could be permanently revoked if it can be proven that the license holder knowingly gave a gun to someone who did not have a license and the gun was used in a crime, or that the license holder did not follow proper protocol securely storing a gun that was then stolen and used in a crime. If such a law were implemented, I recognize that it could seem inconvenient and unnecessary for people like Papaw who grew up in rural Kentucky, and learned from responsible relatives how to handle guns safely from a young age, as guns were necessary to hunt and protect livestock from predators. But as gentle and compassionate as Papaw was, he would have been heartbroken by today’s gun violence epidemic, especially the elementary school shootings, so I think he would have considered the inconvenience a small price to pay. After all, you have to go through training, pass a test and get a license to drive a motorized vehicle, which can become a deadly weapon if operated negligently. I don’t think it is at all unreasonable to implement similar requirements to own a product specifically designed to be a deadly weapon. I can understand how mandatory gun buy-back would feel threatening, even to responsible gun owners, but I think more voluntary gun buy-back initiatives (maybe with a bonus incentive for every assault rifle turned in) could potentially avert tragedy by encouraging relatives of people at risk of harming themselves or others to dispose of their guns, potentially averting many tragedies by getting at least a few guns off the streets. I personally am inspired by the work of organizations like Presbyterian Peace Fellowship who take literally the words of Isaiah 2:4 where it is prophesied that in the last days, people will “beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks” by melting down guns that people surrender and turning them into garden tools.Laws are important in our fallen world to maintain order, and in fact, Christians have a duty to submit to all laws that do not conflict with God’s laws because “the authorities that exist are established by God” (Romans 13:1). The passage and subsequent enforcement of laws are a necessary first step in restraining our violent human nature. Death by any weapon would be equally tragic for the families affected, but if we could at least ban assault weapons and get as many of them as possible off the streets via buy-back programs, forcing a potential shooter to go with a less “efficient” weapon, the death toll would not be as horrific by the time law enforcement arrived, and for survivors, the wounds would not be as grievous. But as I have discussed before, laws alone cannot change the world. Neither, by the way, would equipping more “good guys with guns.” In his book “The Spirit of the Disciplines” which I read in my spiritual formation class last year, Dallas Willard has an excellent chapter on the disciplines and power structures of this world. He opens this chapter with a quote from Leo Tolstoy which I believe is very appropriate for our time. According to Tolstoy, “men are so accustomed to establish and defend their existence by violence, by bayonets, bullets, prisons, and gallows, that it seems to them as if such an arrangement of life were not only normal, but were the only one possible. Yet it is just this arrangement and maintenance of the commonwealth by violence, that does most to hinder people from comprehending the causes of their sufferings, and consequently from being able to establish a true order.” In other words, I think if Tolstoy were alive today to weigh in on our gun violence problem, he would view ideas like arming teachers as well-intentioned perhaps, but woefully misguided and unimaginative. Rather than succumbing to hopelessness, implicitly accepting bad guys with guns as an inevitable reality that can only be mitigated by more violence from good guys with guns, Christians ought instead to be at the forefront of solutions that address the root causes of violence. For example, it almost always comes to light that the young men who commit school shootings were bullied or felt marginalized as children. Perhaps some of the time spent preparing for standardized tests could instead be devoted to discussing the importance of values like empathy, kindness, inclusion, accepting everyone as they are. Perhaps there could be classes or camps specifically for boys to reimagine masculinity, allow and encourage boys to express a full range of emotions and learn constructive ways to manage negative emotions before they fester and lead to violent outbursts of anger. Of course, such solutions would not eliminate violence completely. Sociopaths prove that empathy cannot be taught, and I am not so naive as to think we can eradicate evil in this world with empathy lessons when Jesus said that wickedness will persist until the end of the age (Matthew 24:6-13). But I believe such measures could reduce the prevalence of gun violence. But more important than the statistics, such measures could potentially rescue men who could have easily gone down a path of violence and show them a better way. This would go much further toward a vision of true peace that all Christians should long for than succumbing to a superficial peace that relies on good guys with guns. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Episode detailsCommentsWell readers, as usual, the semester kept me so busy that I wasn't able to write here. But overall, it was a successful semester. This past Monday was my first full day of summer vacation! My Systematic Theology professor gave us until this upcoming Saturday to submit the final research paper, but I was so close to having it finished this past Saturday that I decided to stay up until 1am Sunday morning to just finish it! The reason it took me so long is that the paper required footnotes, and unfortunately the BrailleNote uses a simplified version of Microsoft Word that does not delineate pages or have a feature to insert footnotes, so I have to use the iPad where it is harder to "see" what I am doing. Only after I meticulously typed all 28 footnotes, it occurred to me that the paper was only 8 pages. Given that my essay came to 3,300 words, it seemed like it should have been at least 10 pages. The paper was required to be between 10 and 12 pages. Sure enough when I checked my BrailleNote, I found that for some reason, many paragraphs were not double-spaced, even though I thought the default setting of the document was double-spaced. I corrected the paragraphs, but then realized I would have to re-type the footnotes. Otherwise the paper would look sloppy as the footnotes wouldn't match up at all to the pages. I had worked so hard, and was so proud of this paper that I knew my conscience would bother me if I knowingly turned in a sloppy-looking paper, and as I have been told in other contexts, like it or not, it is a visual world, and no matter how intelligent and accomplished you are otherwise, a sloppy visual presentation (such as leaving the house having made no effort to comb your hair) is the only thing people will notice. I didn't want my paper to be the equivalent of that, with a sloppy appearance distracting the professor from the message. But I persevered, and when all was said and done, the paper came to 12 pages.I actually plan to share this research paper in my next post because for me, the research paper wasn't just an assignment to complete, but something that became personal for me and kind of wrote itself. The topic I chose for the paper was the biblical perspective of human dignity. Just as I was starting to do my research for this paper, the leak of the Supreme Court draft opinion signalling the possible overturn of Roe v. Wade brought the abortion debate to the forefront of the news cycle again, and then I came across a shocking article about how ever since 2004 when Denmark started offering universal prenatal screening for Down syndrome, 95 percent of women that receive a positive test result terminate the pregnancy. These events combined to inspire me. After submitting the paper, it occurred to me that I might receive a lower grade for not exploring the topic in broader terms, as the textbook reading related to biblical anthropology discussed human dignity regarding all races, even unmarried people who often feel excluded by churches whose ministry priorities unwittingly perpetuate a one-size-fits-all Christian life where the assumed norm is to get married and start a family. My paper focused on abortion and physician-assisted suicide--I found some disturbing information on that subject too--and argued that the Bible commands respect at the very beginning, and the end of human life. But the wonderful thing about seminary school professors, at least at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School is that while professors set high academic expectations, they also encourage an integrated mindset. In other words, they encourage students not to compartmentalize their lives by turning off their brains during worship and personal devotional time, or by being so academically oriented that they fill their minds with knowledge but loose all sense of personal reverence. In fact, God gave us brains precisely because he intended for us to use them, so ideally, our academic studies should themselves be thought of as worship. Given this culture, I have been shown grace on other assignments when the professor could tell the subject was personal for me, even if it strayed slightly from the parameters of the assignment. Regardless of my grade, I plan to share this essay, but I thought I would wait until I received the grade and read the professor's feedback--this particular professor provides wonderful, detailed feedback--as this theology course has really been akin to an intense workout for my brain, forcing me to think in ways I have never thought before, and when it comes to issues as serious as abortion and physician-assisted suicide, I want to make sure my thinking is on the right track before sharing it with you readers.Last semester, I took a Biblical Theology course. Although preparing for the test was brutal, requiring a lot of memorization, not so much of specific Bible verses but the chronology of the Bible as a whole so that I could trace various themes from their first appearance in the Old Testament through their full revelation in the New Testament, I did really well in this course because it was pretty straight-forward. Though some of the reading involved learning about the history of biblical interpretation and how it evolved, most of the time, the only book we interacted with was the Bible itself because the primary purpose of the course was just appreciating how various themes unfold as the Bible progresses. But Systematic Theology involves a lot more interaction with outside authorities. When in doubt, the final authority is still the Bible, but the Bible is actually analogous to the U.S. Constitution. As one of my Paralegal professors pointed out in 2014, the U.S. Constitution is a relatively short document, and yet thousands of volumes have been written questioning how to interpret it. This is partly because the U.S. Constitution was written 240 years ago in a different cultural context, and as such, the Constitution could not possibly foresee every situation that would arise in real life. This is true to an even greater extent for the Bible which was written thousands of years ago over the course of multiple cultural contexts: the Old Testament was written in the ancient Near East and the New Testament was written during the Roman empire. Thus the methodology behind Systematic Theology involves not merely reading the Bible, but weighing evidence from Scripture, and studying the insights of well-respected theologians including but not limited to Augustine and Aquinas (first few centuries after Christ) Luther and Calvin (middle ages) Karl Barth and Rudolf Bultmann (modern theologians). For example, as a preview to my research paper, one argument I address is that the Bible does not conclusively state that God considers a fetus to be a person, but passages such as Exodus 21:22-25 or Hebrews 7:9-10 have led theologians to advocate a conservative course of action given how seriously God condemns murder.I am so glad that I took this course, as it has enriched my own faith, and given me tools to engage more thoughtfully with people who don't understand/believe in concepts like the Trinity or predestination. But I am also glad I waited until my second year of seminary school when my brain had recovered from the atrophy caused by working a corporate job and reading nothing but magazine articles with simple sentences for five years. As it was, I still couldn't fully wrap my mind around some of the abstract concepts covered in this course, as the feedback on my first two research papers can attest. But although this class made my head hurt, it was a good kind of pain, and in fact, even though I technically have earned all the required credits for my certificate in Christian studies, I am taking the sequel to this course in the Fall.In addition to Systematic Theology, I also took a course on American Church History. Unfortunately, as a practical matter, history isn't the most blind-friendly field to go into, as most primary sources composed before the computer age are preserved as scanned images which proved super-annoying to read as my KNFB reader app could not correctly recognize many letters. (I found out during one Zoom session that this wasn't the result of an inferior app, but was because the images were grainy even for my sighted classmates.) On a few occasions, I was able to find more readable versions of these documents online, or on Bookshare, but oftentimes, I couldn't and so would have to go through the document once to correct as many words as I could, and then read it again to actually absorb the content. But my persistence paid off and I learned a lot.In future posts, I look forward to sharing some specific tidbits of insight I gained about this course relevant to current events. But for now as an overview, I will say that I vividly remember a day in fifth grade when I was frustrated and did not feel like doing my Social Studies homework. That day I asked my sister, a junior in high school at the time why I had to study history. My sister replied with the commonly asserted maxim that "those who fail to study history are condemned to repeat it." Fortunately by the time I reached high school, I had matured and actually found U.S. history very interesting, but I still didn't quite understand this maxim. I couldn't help noticing irony in the fact that as I studied the catastrophic failure of the Vietnam war, our country was mired in Iraq and Afghanistan. When I got to college and took another history course my freshman year, irony occurred to me once again as we studied the corporate greed that led to the Great Depression just as in real time, the country was entering into the Great Recession. Though ignorance about history is certainly a factor in some cases (as in certain celebrities who choose to enter Politics), John Fea points out in the introduction of his book "Was America Founded as a Christian Nation?" that history is complex, and the way every historic event unfolds is influenced by prior historic events. So although in some ways the war in Vietnam feels similar to the war in Iraq, the responsible historian recognizes the complexity of the past and tries to be impartial. But I personally have come to believe through this course, but also in reflecting on my previous study of the history of ancient Israel, the Roman empire, and Christian missionary outreach that history is cyclical, not in the pagan sense of an infinite cycle that ultimately has no meaning, but in the sense that in our fallen state, we seldom seem to learn from our mistakes, and usually let personal or national self-interest take precedence over doing what is right. Fortunately, God is well-aware of this shortcoming in our nature, and therefore will one day break the cycle, bring an end to human history as it currently is and redeem all of creation. But if I ever had the opportunity to mentor a younger student who questions the necessity of studying history, I would explain that when we study history, we have a much better sense of our identity and the factors that shaped it long before we were even a thought. And while much of the power to control the course of history is out of our control, as we are only a drop in the ocean of the billions of people in this world, and most of us will never be in positions of power that shape history, an understanding of the past positions us better to be on the right side of history as we go about our ordinary lives. For example, if we are familiar with our country's dark history of racism, we are better able to recognize how as Jemar Tisby states, racism has not gone away. It has just adapted. This positions us better to recognize racism when political candidates campaign on the promise of restoring "law and order" or when a local suburban skating rink decides to ban kids from Milwaukee. A white alderman from Milwaukee confirmed and exposed the coded racism behind this policy when he brought his child to the rink and had no trouble getting in. So I suppose this maxim really is accurate in the sense that if we understand the dark parts of our history, we really can play a small, but significant (especially to God) part in ensuring it is not repeated.In a future post, I will share some other things that have been going on in my life besides school work. But I don't want to ruin the academic vibe of this post by launching into other topics. So for now I will close by saying that although I feel a little fried and am glad to be on summer break, and although sometimes I have anxiety about my future financial security, I cannot tell you how blessed I feel that I am able to study and reflect on these academic subjects when so many people (many far smarter than me) have life circumstances that do not facilitate this privilege. Most days, I also still have this wonderful, God-given sense that resigning from my paralegal job at the start of the pandemic and taking seminary courses is what God wanted me to do. I have no idea what my future holds beyond Fall 2022, and I will be honest and say I hate uncertainty. Just as I hate going to new restaurants if I don't know exactly what I will order well in advance, sometimes it drives me crazy that I don't have a life plan either. But perhaps in regard to both scenarios, God is testing me, asking me to be patient and have trust that all will work out according to his plan, and for my good. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

As a child, I loved Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books about her life as a pioneer living on the prairie. In the summer of 2010, after a particularly stressful semester of college, I even re-read them. After reading scholarly articles and textbooks until my head hurt, there was something comforting about returning to a childhood favorite, and reading them from an adult perspective, I also noticed things that I had never paid attention to as a child. Today I want to talk about a passage I found particularly poignant as an adult, and which I found myself thinking about again in the midst of this coronavirus pandemic.The passage is found in The Long Winter, the book that chronicles the brutal winter of 1877 when the family almost starved to death and had to resort to twisting hay into sticks for firewood because they had moved into town and became dependent on the train for food and supplies. But the train could not reach them for months due to continuous, relentless snow storms. One warm, sunny autumn day before that brutal winter, Laura is helping Pa bail hay, and thinks he missed a haycock, but Pa tells her that is actually a muskrat house. This is the first foreshadowing of the brutal winter to come as Pa shakes his head and says he had never seen a muskrat house with walls that thick. The thicker muskrats build the walls of their houses, the colder winter will be.Laura who would have been nine or ten years old at the time, asks Pa how the muskrats know, to which he responds “God tells them somehow, I suppose.” Then Laura asks why God doesn’t tell us these things, to which Pa says it is because we are not animals. We are humans, and just as the Declaration of Independence states, God created humans to be free, which means we get to do as we please, but it also means we have to take care of ourselves.Religion does not play an overt role in these books, partly because living away from civilization as they did for many years, it wasn’t always possible to attend a formal church regularly. But the family observed the Sabbath, which is discussed in Little House in the Big Woods, and throughout all the books, the importance of Christian principles like hard work and integrity are emphasized. When they fell on hard times, they recognized and gave glory to God for small miracles like a visit from a generous stranger which allowed them to get by another day, survive another season.“I thought God takes care of us,” Laura says.“He does,” Pa said, “so far as we do what’s right. And He gives us a conscience and brains to know what’s right. But He leaves it to us to do as we please. That’s the difference between us and everything else in creation.”I have often found that the best Christian literature isn’t what is marketed as Christian literature. I have nothing against Christian literature. In fact, in high school I was absolutely hooked on the Left Behind series, a fictional depiction of what the end times might look like. This series definitely had the impact its two authors, both pastors were hoping for, causing myself and millions of others to think more seriously about our Christian faith. In this series, characters quoted scripture often in conversation, especially with nonbelievers. But thinking about this series as an adult, I can understand why the heavy-handed, agenda-driven manner in which scripture was woven into the story might turn some people off. Pa doesn’t quote scripture, but in this poignant and natural conversation with Laura, he illustrates multiple Christian principle so relevant to the crisis we are living through right now. We are not animals. We are humans, created in God’s image. Unlike animals where God directs every detail of their lives via the natural instincts He plants in them, right down to the type of house muskrats build, humans are given free will to do as we please. God does care for us to an extent, but He also expects us to use the brains and conscience He has given us to care for ourselves.This passage first came to mind Friday March 13, the day after the surreal experience of learning that pretty much every aspect of daily life would be cancelled indefinitely. Every Friday on this program, New York Times columnist David Brooks and syndicated columnist Mark Shields analyze the news of that week. That day, David Brooks observed that the 1918 flu left no lasting impact on our culture, and even those who survived that pandemic really didn’t talk about it. He found that the reason people didn’t talk about it was because they were ashamed of the people they became during the pandemic, and he warned we might not like the people we become either. In an editorial that gave me chills, David Brooks wrote about how pandemics kill compassion. During the plague that struck Europe during the middle ages, infected people were permanently sealed into their houses and just abandoned to die. In other pandemics through history, people were shipped off to hospitals on remote islands where most died. In 1918, women whose hearts would normally be moved to help children in need refused to step forward and care for children whose parents were sick, causing some to die of starvation because there was no one to provide for them. Given the fear and panic pandemics trigger, it is all too easy to think only of our survival, to forget about compassion and conscience, or put another way, to let animal instincts take over.In fairness to people of ancient times, they did not have the scientific understanding of viruses we have today. In fact they wouldn’t have even had the equipment to know that their illnesses were caused by a virus, so it is understandable why they would have resorted to superstition, such as believing that afflicted people were cursed by God. Although every virus behaves differently, meaning scientists are learning as we go with this coronavirus, much of the fear of ancient peoples has been mitigated by the scientific advances we have made. We can identify the virus causing the illnesses, and we know how to reduce risk of contracting the virus by washing our hands and hard surfaces, practicing social distancing and wearing personal protective equipment. (Of course, whether personal protective equipment is available is another matter.) We know how to quarantine people while still treating them with compassion and providing for their needs.In every pandemic David Brooks cited throughout history, there were people who resisted falling into animal instincts, who reflected God’s image and treated the sick with compassion. In this pandemic too, there have been plenty of incredible examples of humanity and compassion, from the healthcare workers on the front lines, but also from ordinary citizens donating personal protective equipment, caring for the children of healthcare workers, even serving free breakfast and lunch to children who normally qualify for free meals at school which is now closed. And yet for some people, David Brooks was right. When they look back on this pandemic, they may not like the people they became.Despite our scientific advances with regard to viruses, fear is still evident in this present pandemic. I speculate that although we have vanquished superstition regarding viruses, our fear is now fueled by 24/7 media. Although hoarding is an animal behavior, I can understand the anxiety that 24/7 news coverage of the virus could trigger that would lead people to hoard N95 masks needed by health care providers, as well as hand sanitizer, even toilet paper. I didn’t feel compelled to hoard face masks or hand sanitizer, but on March 13 when I realized this quarantine was for real, I started getting anxious about running out of gluten free, healthy food. On March 14, I ordered two cases of dried beans. (I was so tempted to order four, or six, or ten cases, but since I really am trying to work on trusting God to provide, I resisted this temptation and only bought two cases, still enough to last me about three months). I panicked a little when for some reason, Bob’s Red Mill, the site where I usually order beans wouldn’t work for me, but I was able to buy them at Eden Foods which actually gave me a larger quantity than I would have gotten from Bob’s Red Mill, so given the unprecedented quarantine we were about to embark on, I was actually glad the Bob’s Red Mill site didn’t work. But the next day when it occurred to me I should re-stock my Lundberg brown rice as well, as I had about a package and a half left. I like to eat it for breakfast sometimes, and also share it with my parents, so that could go fast. But when I went to Amazon where I usually ordered it, it was out of stock as was every other brand of brown rice I tried. Seeing the online equivalent of the bare grocery store shelves being reported on the news sent me into a bit of panic again, which didn’t fully subside until to my relief, I found brown rice at Meijer’s a couple weeks later. So while we all should work on trusting God to provide, anxiety that leads to hoarding is behavior I understand. What I don’t understand is the callous remarks a small but vocal minority have made about the most vulnerable among us, rhetoric I never thought I would hear in this country in the 21st century.These days, the hysteria isn’t as much over the virus itself, but the economic devastation it has caused. In late February or early March when people were starting to hoard things like hand sanitizer, but the coronavirus still seemed far away, I read a compelling Huffington Post essay written by someone who was immunosuppressed and also has other disabilities. She was troubled by the fact that media coverage of the virus, in an effort to prevent panic, kept emphasizing that the virus is dangerous “only” for the elderly, the immunosuppressed or those with underlying medical conditions. The writer of this essay felt as though in using this language, the media failed to consider that people in these vulnerable categories would hear this rhetoric, and that this is just the latest of a long history of behaviors with the underlying attitude that vulnerable populations, including people with disabilities are disposable. I am blessed because although I have encountered a little bit of discrimination from people ignorant of the capabilities of blind people, overall I have always been surrounded by people with high expectations for me who were more than willing to accommodate me. I have never gotten the vibe that people think I am disposable, so at first, even after reading this essay, I gave the media the benefit of the doubt when they used such language. I even used it a little myself when trying to put my family at ease when the pandemic was starting to get serious and I was still going to work, until my parents reminded me that because of my underlying pituitary damage, I may be more vulnerable than I thought. But then a few weeks later, I read this article written by Shai Held, a rabbi shocked at the cruelty being displayed in some circles toward the elderly. Some dress up their statements about the elderly with moral indignation, first dehumanizing them by lumping them together as a faceless mass, rather than treating them as individuals with their own distinct faces and voices, hopes and dreams, and then saying that “the elderly” are getting what they deserve if they die of COVID-19 because of the way they have denied climate change, subjecting future generations to hardships they won’t have to deal with themselves. But beyond that, this rabbi lamented that we live in a culture that puts too much emphasis on productivity, economic worth.“If there is one thing we ought to teach our children,” he wrote, “it is that our worth as human beings does not depend on or derive from what we do or accomplish or produce; we are, each one of us, infinitely valuable just because we are created in the image of God. We mattered before we were old enough to be economically productive, and we will go on mattering even after we cease to be economically productive.” People with disabilities were beyond the scope of this rabbi’s editorial, but I have no doubt he would also say that people with disabilities or underlying medical conditions that may limit their economic productivity, or preclude them from being economically productive at all, also matter.Even after reading this article, I wanted to believe this Rabbi just had the misfortune of interacting with a couple extreme outliers, that our society didn’t really measure the value of human lives on the basis of age or economic productivity. And then over the course of just 24 hours, I saw this article in which the lieutenant governor of Texas, said he thought that many elderly people would be willing to die to preserve the economy for their grandchildren, and this article talking about how disability advocacy groups were filing a lawsuit over guidelines released for hospitals that in the event of a shortage of ventilators that required rationing care, ventilators should be given to younger, healthier people. A chill swept down my spine as I read this article and realized that due to my blindness and other medical issues, combined with the fact that my family who would normally advocate for me would not be able to accompany me, this country that I always thought valued people like me might now determine I am not worth saving.That summer of 2010, shortly after reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder series, a duck who only had one leg showed up in our garden and chose our garden to lay her eggs. Mom scrapped plans to plant in that area so as not to disturb her. For weeks, she diligently sat on her eggs. My heart was touched by this duck, and I had visions of writing a children’s book about this handicapped duck overcoming adversity and making her way in the world. Our whole family was excited about the prospect of baby ducks. But then one morning, we woke up to find the eggs abandoned, the mother duck nowhere to be found. The duck never returned, and her eggs never hatched. We never found out for sure what happened to her, but my dad said he had seen a fox prowling around, so we are pretty sure the fox had her for breakfast. We were all a little sad, but we recognized that in the wild, that’s the way it is. Animals don’t have eternal souls, and are not created in God’s image. They live only by animal instincts, under which the survival and health of the herd is all that matters. If a puppy is born with a birth defect, the mother pushes him aside and does not feed him because her instincts tell her he wouldn’t survive long anyway. Animals that are sick or injured, or who cannot keep up with the herd are eaten. That’s just the way it is.But as Pa said so eloquently, we are not animals. We are humans, and as humans with eternal souls, created in God’s image and given free will and a conscience, we are supposed to live by higher principles in which all lives have value. My hope is that long-term, people who have made callous statements regarding vulnerable populations will repent and that our society will emerge from this pandemic with a deeper respect for all lives, and that short-term, we will all, especially political leaders who purport to be Christian, will stop pushing to re-open the economy when COVID-19 cases are still rising. Ideally, the wealthiest country in the world should have been better prepared for a pandemic, with a much better stockpile of hospital beds, ventilators and personal protective equipment. But that aside, given reality as it is, as humans, we must continue social distancing for as long as recommended by health experts, so that doctors aren’t forced to make decisions only animals should have to make.I understand the anxiety people are having about the economy. In fact, I am worried about my generation’s future economic security, as for millennials like me, this is our second major economic downturn, when many of us never fully recovered from the first one. We are earning much less than previous generations were earning at our age. I have heard the argument that we should re-open the economy because the effects of poverty will kill more people than the virus. But again I argue, we are not animals. We are humans. Instead of accepting that no matter what, people are going to die, let’s stay home for as long as it takes to contain the virus and protect the vulnerable, and then when it is safe to re-open the economy, we can enact reforms that distribute wealth more fairly and ensure all have access to necessities like food and healthcare. We are not animals. We are humans. We don’t have to choose whether we sacrifice lives to the virus or the economy. With the brains and conscience God gave us, I think we can figure out how to ensure that vulnerable populations survive the virus, and the economic downturn. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

One day the summer before last, an animal died in our yard, and my mom noticed some birds, which we later learned were turkey buzzards, had gathered around it for a feast. That afternoon, my parents, and even a family friend who dropped by, watched in morbid fascination as the birds feasted, even marveling at the clear presence of a pecking order as one bird pushed others out of the way to get the best morsels for himself. I too felt a sense of morbid fascination as they described what was going on. Of course, our slight pity for the way this poor dead animal was being treated is a human projection: the buzzards were merely obeying an innate instinct to serve as nature's cleanup crew. They do not possess free will and the human concept of morality is incomprehensible to them. This memory came back to me as Holy Week dawned, and with it an inspiration to make my case for Christ. Stick with me. I promise I will connect the dots.One day when I was working at the Social Security disability law firm, a coworker saw Gilbert sleeping contentedly at my feet and said, "You know, if I am reincarnated, I want to come back as a pampered dog." I laughed and may have even said something like "I hear you." It was meant as lighthearted banter. But in all seriousness, we should all consider it an incredible privilege to be human. When I was in college, I read part of a book written by the Dalai Lama for an intercultural communication course, and while much of his philosophies were over my head, one basic principle he stated that stuck with me is that humans are the highest form of life, and as such, even humans born into the most disadvantaged circumstances have already hit the cosmic jackpot simply for getting to be human.Although Gilbert lived, and my cat Aslan continues to live a pampered life, by human standards their lives are actually quite bleak. Sure, it is tempting for humans to envy their lives of leisure, inhaling food they didn't have to hunt for, playing fetch in the yard or chasing a cat toy, activating their innate hunting instinct just for fun rather than survival, spending long winter afternoons sleeping in front of a sunny window while us humans have to work. But they also will never know, cannot even comprehend the pleasure of reading an inspiring or thought-provoking book, gathering to make or listen to beautiful music, engaging in complex discussions with family or friends about politics, philosophy, our hopes and dreams for the future. In fact, they don't even understand concepts like past or future. Research on animal behavior has shown that if you come home from work and observe that your dog, at some point earlier that day had gotten into the trash and made a huge mess but is now sleeping contentedly in the sun, it is actually cruel to yell at them because they have no long-term memory, and thus don't understand why you are mad at them. You have to catch them in the act. When I was in high school, my oldest brother moved back home for a couple years to save money, which also meant his incredibly intelligent dog Mojo lived with us. Even when my brother came home from work, Mojo bonded with us, so when my brother moved away, we were dismayed, although in retrospect we should not have been, about how eagerly he jumped into my brother's car, tail wagging when it was time to say goodbye. He didn't realize that this was not just another car ride, that he was moving far away and that my parents wouldn't see him for years, and I would never see him again. If animals have no conception of past or future, they also most likely do not contemplate their eventual death, let alone an afterlife.Our closest evolutionary cousins, monkeys, are certainly worthy of our admiration and respect. One of my favorite books I read as a child was The Chimpanzees I Love, written by Jane Goodall, who used her observation of chimpanzees to raise awareness of their intelligence and emotional complexity in hopes of ending their abuse and exploitation by zookeepers and researchers. But many aspects of their behavior, from their aggression toward chimpanzees from other herds, to courtship rituals based on displays of dominance rather than genuine love and connection, and the fact that mother chimpanzees have to protect their babies from other male chimpanzees even within their own pack demonstrates that at their heart chimpanzees are still firmly within the "animal" category. All this is to say you don't even have to touch a religious text to see that there is something unique, something special about humans that even our closest evolutionary cousins don't even come close to. The seeds of this line of thought were planted at the beginning of the pandemic when I reflected on how we should fully lean into our uniqueness as humans, demonstrate compassion for the vulnerable, as opposed to the animal realm where instinct dictates that the weak be eaten by the strong, as illustrated by the one-legged duck who sat on eggs in our garden for awhile but was eaten by a fox. But my seminary education clarified these thoughts. The reason I believe in Christ, and especially the Easter story is that Christianity, far better than any other religion or philosophy solves the puzzle. It explains what makes us unique, and far superior to all other animals, and if more of us actually obeyed the teachings of Christ, and believed in his future promises, I think the argument raised by Atheists like Richard Dawkins that God most likely does not exist, and humans are nothing more than highly evolved animals would collapse, and our reverence and appreciation of the incredible cosmic jackpot we have won would be so intense that it wouldn't even cross our mind to dream of reincarnation as a pampered pet.To inform my thinking for this blog, I decided last week that it was time to be brave and read something from Richard Dawkins. The teacher for Tough Questions, an apologetics class I took at my church talked about him a lot, and even encouraged us to prayerfully read what he has to say. After all, if you never allow your convictions to be questioned, how can you be sure that you are confident, secure in your faith? I started the book Wednesday of Holy Week (April 5), and am only on chapter 3. His arguments are very hard to follow in my opinion, and it was difficult to concentrate long because I felt as though my mind was being tied up in knots. So far, I concur with the assessment of my Tough Questions teacher who liked to say that more mental gymnastics is required to defend the belief that God does not exist, than is required to believe that he does. I will write a final assessment here once I finish the book. But two themes that Dawkins frequently likes to return to are the idea that the God of the major judeo-Christian religions is a jealous, vengeful God who champions slavery, war and genocide, and that the world would be far better off without religion and all of the violence it has caused throughout human history and even still to this day. These are both tired arguments that I have heard from other Atheists as well. It did come as a shock the first time I attempted to read the Bible in high school and only got as far as Exodus partly because I was shocked by the level of violence, deceit, polygamy, incest and general family dysfunction even among God's chosen people which he did not condemn, not to mention the brutal for our time laws requiring that those who commit adultery be stoned and such. But Atheists fail to study Scripture in an open-minded nuanced way. I don't want to distract from the train of thought for this post, but I will elaborate more on this in my final assessment. As for the second theme, Dawkins again paints all religion with a broad brush, failing to appreciate for example that the evil committed by Christians from the Crusades to today's epidemic of Christian Nationalism is not a reflection of Christianity itself, but the failure of people who claim to be Christians to actually live by the teachings of Christ.From ancient times long before Christ, I suspect humans have always had a vague awareness that we are unique, superior to all other animals. Long before Moses wrote the book of Genesis, humans instinctively set about establishing dominion over the earth and subduing it. We figured out how to harness fire for cooking food, keeping warm and managing forests. We built cities with elaborate architecture, and boats to traverse bodies of water. We even figured out how to domesticate and train animals to assist us. We had a vague sense of the existence of higher powers, but we lost sight of the one true God and in the ancient near east, we created our own myths of gods who were powerful but not loving. They were jealous, capricious and petty, and when they fought amongst themselves, humans would be caught in the middle. Furthermore, they created humans to be their slaves, performing the menial labor on earth that they didn't want to do. So when misfortune came, people feared it was because they had displeased the gods and they would offer sacrifices, sometimes even child sacrifices, to appease them. Though religions were very localized among tribes, all of them shared a universal sense of an afterlife in which we would somehow be held accountable for our conduct in this life, although ancient Near East concept of the afterlife I read about were pretty depressing too. We also had a universal sense that human life, at least for people in our tribe was sacred, and thus all tribes had customs that honored the dead, burying them in tombs or at sea in a respectful manner rather than just leaving them out for the turkey buzzards.In one sense, people should have known right from wrong, especially when it came to the practice of child sacrifices because of God's general revelation to all of humanity through our conscience which animals do not possess, at least not to the same degree. But I can kind of understand how their conscience could have been drowned out by hopelessness. If the gods they created didn't value them or love them, I can understand why they may not know how to value one another. If the afterlife, even for the righteous meant eternity in a dark underworld, what incentive was there to live righteously?And then came Judaism, when the true God revealed himself to Abraham, then Isaac and Jacob. He declared that the day he created humanity was "very good", and that he did not create humans to be slaves, but to be co-rulers with Him on earth. He did not choose Abraham and his descendants because they were any more righteous than anyone else, but he showed grace to them and set them apart in the hope that they would learn to live righteously and be a blessing to all nations. In this way, God would eventually reveal himself to all nations on earth, and restore the good creation he intended before the Fall.But the Israelites failed to obey the righteous commandments God had given them, and in fact were largely indistinguishable from the wicked Pagan culture that surrounded them, so God had to discipline them by banishing them from the Promise Land. The prophets spoke of a coming messiah who would bring peace and restoration, and who would transform their hearts, but they didn't fully understand this prophecy, and by the time Christ came, they had assimilated with the Roman empire, which one could fairly describe as animalistic in conduct. Men ruled over their households, and could beat or kill their own wives, slaves or children for any reason. Babies born with deformities were commonly "exposed" (abandoned to die), and for entertainment, they gathered in stadiums to watch men, who were typically escaped slaves or political prisoners, fight to the death with wild animals. Wealth was inherited, with virtually no path to upward mobility, and there were no safety nets for orphans, widows, people with disabilities or the poor. Even worse, Roman citizens (men) of high status felt free to sexually exploit those of lower status. Religious leaders still enforced God's laws, but they added so much legalism that the spirit of these laws was drowned out. Into this wicked empire, Christ came.If Christ hadn't come, Atheists would have a valid point in arguing that the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob was just another god imagined by a backwater ancient tribe. But I believe Christ's arrival proved once and for all that this God is the one true God because while all of the other ancient Pagan gods are remembered only by artifacts like ancient tablets excavated by archeologists and preserved in museums, the three religions that can be traced back to the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) still endure today, and the one that has transformed the world the most is Christianity.This is a good time for a disclaimer: antisemitism and islamophobia are despicable, especially when perpetrated by supposed Christians. We should not condemn the oppression of Palestinians by right-wing Israelis, or Islamic extremism without also acknowledging the planks in our own eyes, extreme Christian nationalism. As my mom used to sing in Sunday school, they should "know that we are Christians by our love, by our love," and by showing them love, we may even be able to lead some to Christ. But I believe that belief in Christ (the true Christ, not the Christ of Christian nationalism) is what allows us to fully understand and lean into the privilege and responsibility we have as humans.Christ treated all people--women, children, the poor, and especially people with disabilities--with radical dignity, and even explicitly stated that while he provides for the sparrow, we are far more valuable and he will provide all the more for us. Before Christ, hospitals and orphanages weren't even concepts in the imagination. All these institutions were started by Christians whose consciences were awakened by the teachings of Christ. It was a Christian from a province in Asia who visited Rome, witnessed a gladiator match and woke the conscience of Roman citizens by yelling out, "In Christ's name, stop!" My Tough Questions teacher also pointed out that to this day, you won't see people who follow religions based on good and bad karma coming to the rescue after natural disasters, or even ministering to their own vulnerable people because they believe such vulnerable people are suffering because they need to atone for conduct in a past life and it is not their place to interfere with this. But with all due respect, such a view is illogical because we have no memories of past lives. As such, when Christians minister to the physical needs of these people, and also share the gospel with them, which includes God's teaching that we only live once (in this world) and then face judgment, that in this Fallen world, suffering comes to both the righteous and the unrighteous, and thus we should leave judgment to God, many are comforted by the love and logic of these teachings and eagerly accept Christ. Is the love and compassion of even well-intentioned Christians what it should be? Absolutely not! I will be the first to admit that I revert to selfish, animalistic behavior sometimes. But if Christ hadn't come, this world would be a whole lot worse.But Christ didn't just transform this world. With his resurrection, we now understand that our fear of death and hope for an afterlife isn't just the wishful thinking of highly evolved animals, but that we really were meant to enjoy eternal life. Because of our sin, we will all die a physical death, but Christ's resurrection conquered death so that those who accept Him will also one day be resurrected to eternal life. And by the way, I do believe we can have confidence that Christ's resurrection is real because as the pastor pointed out last Sunday for Easter, why would the apostles stick with this story for forty years under brutal persecution if it was a lie?I cannot say which book of the Bible is my favorite. As I once heard a pastor quip, being asked your favorite book of the Bible is akin to a parent being asked which child is their favorite? They are all beautiful in their own way. But lately, the book of Ecclesiastes has really resonated with me. I will be reflecting a lot more about this book in the future as I still grapple with the allure of a Rumspringa. I thought I had made peace with this temptation and come to a mature perspective, but then literally two days after publishing that post, I was tempted into another unproductive train of thought. Reading Ecclesiastes has helped me find proper perspective again. More on that later. But Ecclesiastes is also incredibly relevant to the theme of this post.If read without proper context, Ecclesiastes is incredibly depressing. The message, translated into modern language is basically, everything is meaningless, life sucks and then you die. The writer makes allusions to the idea that we will all be held accountable for our actions even if we may not see it in this life, and the idea that we should view life as a gift from God, but the book offers little comfort for this world and uncertainty with regard to what comes next. The passage I found most depressing is Ecclesiastes 3:18-21, where after speculating that God tests us so that we may see that we are like the animals, that death awaits us both, he states, "Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the animal spirit goes down into the earth?"But the amazing thing about Ecclesiastes, which Andrew Hill and John Walton point out in their survey of the Old Testament, is that this book points to the need for Christ and his resurrection. Though the writer revered God, since he lived in the time before Christ came and fully revealed his plan to redeem humanity, the writer did not fully comprehend what makes us superior to all other animals. He understood that in some ways, we are like the animals. We have the propensity to behave like animals, we are made of the same biological stuff as animals, and we will both die a physical death. He understood that as humans made in God's image, we are held to a higher moral standard than the animals. Yet he did not have the final piece of the puzzle, the piece that fully articulates our superiority to all other animals. It wasn't until Christ's resurrection that we were assured that our souls do indeed rise, and that we have the chance to enjoy eternal life in a restored creation, while the souls of animals go down into the earth. Knowing this, our hearts should break for people who reject Christ and view themselves as nothing more than highly evolved animals. They don't know what richness of life they are missing, now and in the future. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year readers! Don’t worry, I am alive and well. It has just been a crazy Fall semester and I either haven’t had the time or haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write. I have so much to update you on, from the family vacation to Hilton Head (I survived!) to the start of a new job. But first, I wanted to share the final research paper I wrote for Part 2 of Systematic Theology, which as I think I mentioned, I wouldn’t have had to take as I already had enough credits for the certificate in Christian Studies with just the first class which I took last Spring. But the professor kept teasing topics that would be covered further in Part 2, so I knew I would regret not taking it. The new job was a somewhat unexpected development, and my grades for a couple weeks weren’t great as learning the new job in addition to all of the reading Systematic Theology requires was quite an adjustment. But I soon found my footing, and I am still glad I took this course when I did. As long-time readers might recall, I have felt compelled to write my own reflections on how Christmas is a foretaste of eternity, especially in light of the pandemic. It just so happened that for the final research paper, this subject, which is known in scholar speak as “eschatology” (a Greek term meaning “last things”), was a topic option. But unfortunately, this Christmas Day was humbling for me when, in light of selfish behavior on my part, God forced me to examine whether I truly believe what I preach. More specifics to come in a follow-up post. My professor hasn’t graded this paper yet, but I feel compelled to go ahead and share it anyway because it was written from the heart, and since I discovered I need the perspective preached in this paper as much as anyone, I think it might help others as well.IntroductionAt the time of this writing, Christmas is approaching. I believe the Christmas season is the perfect occasion to reflect on Oscar Cullmann's inaugurated eschatology as we celebrate the fact that the Son of God who one day "shall reign forever and ever" humbled himself and became fully human to dwell among us, teach us how to live, and ultimately rescue us from sin and eternal death. Of course, the true significance of Christmas is all-too-often corrupted in our fallen state, even by professed Christians who do not view the Christmas season as a time of comfort and joy, but instead as a time of frenetic busyness, credit card debt, and family conflict as they define Christmas by secular standards, the deepest longings of their hearts tragically misplaced. But I believe it is no coincidence that this time of year, Christians and unbelievers alike sing longingly of "peace on earth, good will to men." I believe the Holy Spirit speaks to us through the Christmas season. Though many of our Christmas traditions have pagan origins, if we embrace them with proper perspective, God can use the fellowship and joy at the root of them to give us a foretaste of eternal life when peace, fellowship, comfort and joy will not be just a dream but our reality.In this paper, I will first discuss the diversity of viewpoints related to eschatology from ancient Judaism and the early Christian church through to the present. Then, I will discuss biblical teaching related to eschatology from both the Old Testament and the New Testament. Finally, I will show that Oscar Cullmann's inaugurated eschatology, with its tension between the "already" and the "not yet" is the eschatological view best supported by Scripture, and the profound implications this view has for our present lives, and for eternity.History of Eschatological ThoughtToday, the eschatological debate among theologians is characterized by three different views. Premillennialists believe that the present world will grow increasingly wicked until Christ returns and establishes a literal thousand year reign of peace and righteousness on earth. This view is based on a literal interpretation of Revelation 20:4-6.1 Postmillennialists believe that the preaching of the gospel will be successful, and gradually but surely, the world will be converted and evil will be virtually eliminated.2 Once the gospel has reached the ends of the earth in the biblical sense of both knowledge and obedience, Christ will return, but the millennium Scripture speaks of is not a future period when Christ returns in bodily form to reign on earth, but a spiritual, invisible reign of Christ here and now. Postmillennialists cite Matthew 24:14 to support this view. Similar to postmillennialists, amillennialists reject the idea of a literal reign of Christ on earth, asserting instead that the millennium is symbolic of the period between the first and second advents of Christ, and the final judgment will occur immediately upon Christ's return.3 But according to Michael Horton, these three views only came about during the late 19th century. For most of church history, the debate was simply between millenarianism (a literal thousand year reign of Christ) and amillennialism.4Apocalyptic fervor can be traced back to Second Temple Jerusalem. The most commonly held view, and a view that would persist through Jesus's earthly ministry and the destruction of the second temple in AD 70 was that the personal arrival of the Messiah, David's heir, would usher in a golden age at the end of history, defined by the restoration of Mosaic theocracy which would be centered in Jerusalem, but would extend to the ends of the earth, and the banishment of Gentile oppressors from the land.5 This view was so entrenched that even Jesus's disciples, who followed him during his earthly ministry, witnessed his death and touched him after his resurrection still did not fully comprehend that Christ's mission was never intended to be the mere geopolitical or temporary restoration of Israel (Acts 1:6-8 TNIV).In general, the early church took the amillennial view that Christ's kingdom had been inaugurated with the first advent of Christ but awaited its full consummation.6 But as the church transitioned from a persecuted church to one that enjoyed favor from the emperor with the conversion of Constantine to Christianity in the fourth century, the amillennial view also transitioned from a view that recognized the precariousness of the church in the clash between the present age and the age to come, to a more optimistic outlook in which it became plausible to believe that Christ could be reigning on earth through his earthly representative, the emperor.7 Thus in a sense, the amillennialist view following the conversion of Constantine closely resembles the postmillennialism of today. In fact, this optimism was so central to early Christendom that the common assumption was that Christ's kingdom was not only already present in the world, but fully realized in the Holy Roman empire.8 In the fifth century, Augustine would write City of God, in which he sought to revive the already-not yet tension of the early church, distinguishing between the "two cities" of this present age, "each with its own commission, purpose, destiny and means."9 But after Augustine, the fusion of church and empire was so thorough that this nuanced view was all but forgotten.The Reformers, especially John Calvin and Martin Luther, articulated the distinction between the two cities of the present age even more clearly than Augustine, and revived the precarious, already-not yet reality of the church in the present age.10 But unlike anabaptists, who advocated for radical criticism of the status quo, the Reformers believed that Christians must live as citizens of two worlds.11The defining eschatological view at the dawn of the modern age was postmillennialism. Romantics, rationists, idealists and revolutionaries drew inspiration from the writings of Secilian monk Joachim of Fiore. Based on a literal interpretation of prophecy in the book of Revelation, he divided human history into three ages. The age of the Father, spanning from Adam to the time of Christ, was the era of law. The age of the Son, spanning from Christ to Joachim's day, was the era of grace. The age of the Spirit, Joachim predicted would begin in 1260 and would be defined by the end of the church, and with it, the end of any need for preaching or sacraments because all would know God.12 Rationalists would secularize Joachim's age of the Spirit, referring to it as the age of enlightenment.13Postmillennialism was the predominant view from the 17th century through the 19th century, especially in the United States and Great Britain. This view explains John Winthrop's declaration of puritan New England as a "shining city upon a hill" as well as in the enthusiasm for foreign missions, the establishment of church-sponsored voluntary societies and service agencies, and the implementation of moral reforms.14 But by the 20th century, the failure of World War I (the war to end all wars) to bring about lasting peace caused postmillennial optimism to largely fade, and premillennial pessimism to experience a revival. Over the course of D. L. Moody's life, he became increasingly pessimistic about the capability of earthly empires to become the kingdom of God.15 While the consensus is not universal, premillennial pessimism seems to be the predominant view among orthodox evangelical theologians today.Biblical Teaching on EschatologyAlthough God chose not to fully reveal his redemptive plan to the Old Testament writers, the psalms and prophetic books are full of allusions to the return of Christ. Although Psalm 2:8-9 is addressed to David, New Testament writers have applied these verses to Christ, as they "attest to Christ's enthronement and rulership over the nations."16 Similarly, although at surface level Psalm 110 celebrates the coronation of the Davidic king, it ultimately finds fulfillment in Jesus, the "triumphant high priest."17 While Psalm 72 is not directly quoted by New Testament writers, it is a prayer for the Davidic king that finds its ultimate fulfillment in Christ and his kingdom.18Though the prophetic books were written in the context of the fall of Jerusalem and Babylon, these prophecies often merged with visions that clearly speak of future worldwide wrath and judgment of the unrighteous, but also a time of redemption and peace for the righteous.19 Perhaps the most vivid descriptions of this future come from Isaiah. Isaiah 13:11 states, "I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins." Isaiah 11:4-5 prophesies the judgment of the wicked, but for the righteous, Isaiah 11:6-9 offers beautiful imagery of future restoration, peace and safety. "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them" (Isa. 11:6). Furthermore, references to "the earth, "peoples" and nations" in this passage clearly implies that this kingdom is not merely heavenly or spiritual.20The future judgment of the unrighteous and the kingdom of Heaven were central to Jesus's teaching. The four gospels record many parables Jesus used to describe the kingdom of heaven. Particularly noteworthy are Matthew 13:24-30, the parable of the wheat and the weeds, and Matthew 13:47-48, the parable of the net that caught all kinds of fish. Regarding these parables, Anthony Thiselton remarks, "there can be no doubt that the central teaching of Jesus looks to a time of vindication and sovereign intervention of God in the future."21     In addition according to D. A. Carson, the strongest affirmation of the already-not yet tension of inaugurated eschatology is summed up in John 5:24-29. In John 5:24, Jesus indicates that believers do not face the final judgment but "leave the court already acquitted."22 Not only that, but the believer does not have to wait until the future resurrection to experience eternal life because the believer in this life has already crossed over from death into life, a teaching which Paul reiterates in Colossians 1:13. In the following verse (John 5:25), Jesus says "a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live" an indication that "the resurrection life of the physically dead in the end time is already being manifest as life for the spiritually dead."23 Yet it is clear from 5:28-29 that John anticipates a final resurrection in the future.Following Jesus's ascension back to heaven, the earliest teaching on eschatology is found in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17. While Anthony Thiselton agrees with the assessment of theologians including George Caird and Tom Wright that Paul's language in these verses is metaphorical, Thiselton argues it does not change the ultimate message of these verses, which is that Christians will meet the Lord "clothed in their postresurrection bodies."24 The apocalyptic language of these verses also would have called to mind the Old Testament, which was the extent of the Bible for the early church, especially Daniel 7:13-14.The word Paul uses to refer to the coming of Christ is Parousia, a greek noun that means "the state of being present" and is related to the verb Pareimi, meaning "I am here."25 In the Roman and Helenistic context in which Paul lived, parousia was sometimes used with reference to ordinary people, but was especially used to indicate the coming of the emperor or someone of high rank."26 All of Paul's letters reference inaugurated eschatology. In Philippians 3:12 for example, Paul simultaneously recognizes that he has already attained resurrection from the dead, and yet remarks, "I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold for me." Some theologians, most notably R. H. Charles, have written off Paul's language choice as mere survivals of Jewish apocalyptic thought which he eventually planned to eliminate or reinterpret."27 But John Lowe refutes this, remarking that all of Paul's letters originate from a time in his life when he had time for careful reflection, and the maturity of an older man. Furthermore, Galatians 1:4 (an early letter) and Colossians 1:13 (a late letter) both contain almost identical apocalyptic language regarding Christ's rescue of believers from this evil age.28The writer of Hebrews references inaugurated eschatology in 4:1-11, where he likens the future kingdom of God to God's sabbath rest on the seventh day, and views the ministry of Jesus as the true fulfillment of God's Promise Land. Jesus "won for us the Sabbath rest which Joshua (another Greek rendering of Jesus) could not provide for us when he led Israel into the Promise Land."29The entire book of Revelation centers on apocalyptic language, but the only passage that explicitly indicates a literal thousand year reign of Christ on earth is 20:1-10. Although Craig Keener acknowledges that this is the most debated passage in Revelation and there is far from universal consensus, he sites four factors in favor of a literal millennial reign of Christ following the tribulation. First, the binding of Satan during the thousand year reign seems far more plausible than the postmillennial or amillennial view given Satan's "deceptive and murderous activity during the present age."30 Second, this passage indicates that the saints have already been martyred, which suggests that the tribulation preceeds the millennial reign of Christ.31 Third, Revelation 20:4-6 indicates that the righteous, those who did not worship the beast, would be resurrected first and reign with Christ for a thousand years, but the unrighteous would not be resurrected until the thousand years were complete. According to Craig Keener, this suggests a bodily, rather than a merely spiritual resurrection.32 Finally, Revelation 20 presupposes all that has occurred in Chapter 12-19, meaning that the beasts and false prophets have already been thrown into the lake of fire, and Satan can no longer deceive.33Implications Now and For EternityAnthony Thiselton remarks that in Paul's letters, he "acknowledges the faith and love of the church, but also recognizes that inadequate confidence and certainty in the Parousia will lead to declining hope."34 I believe that inadequate confidence and certainty in the Parousia is at the root of the depression, anxiety, and misplaced longing of so many hearts, even among professed Christians. But given the teaching from Scripture cited above, I believe we can have complete confidence and certainty in the Parousia and recover a sense of hope, peace and eternal joy every day of the year. This is because the already-not yet tension of Oscar Cullmann's inaugurated eschatology has profound implications for life now and in the future. First and foremost, Christians should not waste precious time engaging in futile speculation about exactly when Christ will return because according to Anthony Hoekema, the "signs of the times" described throughout Scripture (most notably in Matthew 24), are events that must occur before Christ returns, but should not be thought of as events that occur exclusively in the end-time, but instead as events that occur throughout the era between Christ's first and second advent.35 Furthermore, Jesus explicitly states that neither the angels nor the Son knows the hour when he will return, but only the Father (Mark 13:32). Therefore, we must be content with the "not yet" but keep watch as the parables teach. Second, the church must embrace the already-not yet tension by viewing one another as forgiven sinners, gently restoring those who fall into sin while being careful of their own temptation as Paul teaches in Galatians 6:1.Third, this tension should provide incentive for living a virtuous life because as Paul writes in Galatians 6:8, if we "sow to please the flesh" in this life, we will reap destruction in the next life, but if we "sow to please the spirit" we will reap eternal life. Of course, we will struggle with sin in this life, but if we have accepted Christ, we can engage in this struggle "not with the expectation of defeat, but in the confidence of victory."36 This tension should also be reflected in our self-image. Christians should think of ourselves as imperfect new people. According to Oscar Cullmann, for Christians today, the "already" outweighs the "not yet."37Finally, for Christians this tension should put suffering in proper perspective, and abolish the fear of our physical death. In this life, even believers will suffer because suffering is the "concrete manifestation of the not yet."38 But the already of our new life in Christ allows us to embrace our suffering because suffering yields perseverance, perseverance yields character, and character yields hope (Romans 5:4). Another concrete manifestation of the "net yet" is the reality of our physical death. But even this death, Christians have no reason to fear because we will enter immediately into the presence of the Lord. Though our bodies will be buried by loved ones, our consciousness, our personality will continue in an intermediate state. According to Erwin Lutzer, theologians disagree on how to interpret 2 Corinthians 5:1. The disagreement centers on whether the "building from God" refers to a temporary body the departed receive immediately when they get to heaven, or if this building refers to our resurrection bodies. On the one hand, the fact that the rich man could experience physical torment and see Lazarus in heaven, and the fact that departed believers can sing the praises of God and communicate with one another suggests the possibility of a temporary body. On the other hand, the fact that Paul puts so much emphasis on our future resurrection suggests that departed souls are in an incomplete, unnatural disembodied state, but there is not universal consensus on this matter.39 But whether or not we have bodies in heaven, just being in the presence of the Lord will bring "fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11) and thus believers should not fear death. Of course, we will grieve when loved ones go through physical death. Even Jesus wept when Lazarus died because physical death is a consequence of sin and was never intended in God's good creation. But because of the confident hope we can have knowing we will see our loved ones again, and be in the presence of the Lord ourselves one day, believers should not allow grief to turn to despair.Yet as wonderful as even this intermediate state will be, it is only temporary. The best is yet to come, the moment when we receive our resurrection bodies. Erwin Lutzer reminds us that these resurrection bodies will be like Christ's resurrected body, which has profound implications. In 1 Corinthians 15:44, Paul says that our earthly body is a natural body, but our resurrected body will be a spiritual body. But this does not mean we will be disembodied spirits. It means that while only God can be omnipresent, like Christ, we will be free from the limitations of terrestrial travel, able to travel effortlessly from place to place. We will eat, "not because we are hungry, but because we delight in the fellowship it affords."40 Even in the intermediate state, but especially in our resurrected states, the highest moments of our life now in the already, will continue eternally, only perfected and glorified.41 Artists will still create art, musicians will still make music, scientists will continue to make discoveries about God's creation. Only our desire to sin will be lost. Therefore, whatever suffering this life may throw our way, whether it is the physical suffering of illness or poverty, or the emotional anguish of navigating broken relationships, or even a demanding or unsatisfying job, we can embrace and persevere through this suffering with the perspective of a spiritual sense of joy, as we eagerly anticipate the "not yet" of knowing this life is not all there is.References1. Millard Erickson, Christian Theology, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2013), 1110.2. Erickson, Christian Theology, 1107.3. Erickson, Christian Theology 1112.4. Michael Horton, The Christian Faith: A Systematic Theology for Pilgrims on the Way, (Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan, 2011), 920.5. Horton, The Christian Faith, 921.6. Horton, The Christian Faith, 923.7. Horton, The Christian Faith, 923.8. Horton, The Christian Faith, 924.9. Horton, The Christian Faith, 924.10. Horton, The Christian Faith, 926.11. Horton, The Christian Faith, 926.12. Horton, The Christian Faith, 925.13. Horton, The Christian Faith, 927.14. Horton, The Christian Faith, 927.15. Horton, The Christian Faith, 928.16. Bruce Demarest and Gordon Lewis, Integrative Theology, (Grand Rapids, Mich: Academie Books, 1987), 386.17. Demarest and Lewis, Integrative Theology, 386.18. Demarest and Lewis, Integrative Theology, 386.19. Demarest and Lewis, Integrative Theology, 387.20. Demarest and Lewis, Integrative Theology, 388.21. Anthony Thiselton, Life after Death: A New Approach to the Last Things, (Grand Rapids, Mich: W.B. Eerdmans Pub. 2012), 100.22. D. A. Carson, The Gospel According to John. (Leicester, England: Inter-Varsity Press, 1991), 256.23. Carson, The Gospel, 256.24. Thiselton, Life After Death, 90.25. Thiselton, Life After Death, 91.26. Thiselton, Life After Death, 91.27. Thiselton, Life After Death, 92.28. Thiselton, Life After Death, 93.29. Thiselton, Life After Death, 105.30. Craig Keener, Revelation: From Biblical Text to Contemporary Life, (Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan, 2000), 464.31. Keener, Revelation, 464.32. Keener, Revelation, 464.33. Keener, Revelation, 465.34. Thiselton, Life After Death, 91.35. Anthony Hoekema, The Bible and the Future, (Grand Rapids, Mich: Eerdmans, 1952), 70.36. Hoekema, The Bible, 71.37. Hoekema, The Bible, 71.38. Hoekema, The Bible, 72.39. Erwin Lutzer, One Minute After You Die: A Preview of your Final Destination, (Chicago, Ill: Moody Press, 1997), 66.40. Lutzer, One Minute, 70.41. Lutzer, One Minute, 61. This is a public episode. 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As promised, here is the research paper I wrote last semester about the sanctity of life. It addresses mostly the abortion debate, but also physician-assisted suicide. If you are just joining us, I encourage you to scroll down toyesterday's postfor clarification and context. I also want to add one more clarification. My last post focused exclusively on abortion as that is the issue dominating news and politics right now, but I believe there should be legislation banning physician-assisted suicide because as my paper explains, there are so many ethical problems with this practice unrelated to religion.Introduction The biblical perspective of human dignity is a subject of personal significance for me. When my mother was pregnant with me in 1989, a routine blood test revealed abnormal protein levels which she was told indicated an increased risk that I would be born with Down syndrome. Her doctor offered the option of undergoing an amniocentesis, the results of which would be more conclusive. She declined this test because it is a very delicate procedure that carries the small, but in my mother's view unnecessary risk of causing miscarriage. My parents were both raised with a Christian worldview, so they were going to bring me into the world and love me either way. It turned out that I did not have Down syndrome, but seven months later, I would be diagnosed with a brain tumor which would damage my optic nerve rendering me totally blind. In the ancient pre-Christian Greek and Roman empires, it was common practice to kill or abandon infants born with deformities, but unfortunately, failure to recognize the sanctity of every human life cannot be dismissed as ancient history. In the early decades of the 20th century, aeugenics movementinspired passage of compulsory sterilization laws in 32 states targeting people deemed "inferior or dangerous" including the poor, the disabled, the mentally ill, criminals, even people of color.1 These laws resulted in the compulsory sterilization of 60,000 people and persisted in some states until the 1970s. The eugenics laws in the United States inspired Hitler to implement the National Socialist compulsory sterilization program in Germany where between 1934 and 1945, 350,000 people were sterilized, and this program would prove to be a "stepping stone to the Holocaust."2 In 2004, Denmark became one of the first countries in the world to offer all pregnant women prenatal screening for Down syndrome. Since then, 95 percent of women who test positive choose to terminate the pregnancy, and in 2019, only 18 babies were born with Down syndrome in Denmark.3 And of course, the abortion debate is center stage once again in this country following the leak of a Supreme Court draft opinion last week signaling the possible overturn of Roe v. Wade. The sanctity of every human life is not universally recognized at the end of life either. Physician-assisted suicide (which ironically, proponents prefer to be called "death with dignity") is currently legal in 10 states as well as the District of Columbia.4 Admittedly, secular criticism of the biblical worldview is not entirely unfounded. Some pro-life advocates that garner media attention may speak the truth, but they fail to do so with love and humility and in some cases, I think their motives center more on a desire for power or political influence than a genuine concern for the sanctity of life. But in this paper, I will argue that we cannot let the lack of love and humility, or disingenuous motives on the part of some overshadow the truth, which is that a biblical worldview is essential for a healthy society, and the drift of society away from the biblical worldview will ultimately have devastating implications for everyone. I will first briefly examine personhood theory, and the related philosophy of materialism, emphasizing how these ideas fall short. Then I will zoom in and closely examine the biblical perspective regarding human dignity. I will conclude with an examination of the devastating implications of abandoning the biblical worldview.Western Philosophy In her book Love Thy Body, Nancy Pearcey explains that most ancient civilizations believed that reality was based on a "unified system of truth" with an overall unity between the natural order and the moral order.5 But modern Western thought gave rise to a split system of truth. American theologian Francis Schaeffer illustrates this split system with the analogy of a two-story building. The lower story consists of objective, empirically testable facts that everyone must accept regardless of their personal beliefs. The upper story consists of morality and theology which are considered subjective and relative. Therefore, the prevailing view for modern enlightenment philosophy was that reliable knowledge of reality could only be found in the lower story, that which could be empirically tested. Personhood theory is an outworking of this dualistic understanding of reality, and it is the theory often used to justify abortion. Personhood theory argues that human dignity requires "the ability to exercise conscious, deliberate control over our lives," the equivalent of the upper story.6 Since it is thought that fetuses have not yet acquired this capacity, they are not considered a person, but merely a lower story biological organism. Robert Wennberg's even starker explanation of the actuality principle shows it is synonymous with personhood theory. According to the actuality principle, "only beings with a developed capacity for conscious self-reflective intelligence have a right to life."7 Proponents of this theory argue that rights, by definition are a means for protecting interests. They are invoked by their possessor to "avoid sacrifice of those interests."8 But anything that lacks a capacity for conscious self-reflective intelligence has no interests to protect, and therefore no rights. By this definition, a fetus, even a newborn infant is no different than a rock. The actuality principle also denies personhood to the irreversibly comatose and the severely retarded. Some animal rights activists even invoke personhood theory arguing that "not all people are persons, but some animals are persons."9 In other words, some animal rights activists would prefer that medical experiments be done with fetuses, infants, severely retarded or irreversibly comatose people rather than dogs because dogs have a higher cognitive capacity than these people. Animal rights activists are not wrong in their belief that we should treat animals with respect. Indeed, Proverbs 12:10 says that "a righteous man cares for the needs of his animals." But the secular perspective is misguided in its reasoning. The biblical perspective is superior to the secular perspective in revealing that respect isn't contingent on cognitive capacity. All living beings should be treated with respect because they were created by God and have intrinsic value. At the same time, as Kevin Vanhoozer points out, while all other creatures were created according to a generic pattern (after their kind), humans were made according to a divine pattern (in our likeness).10 So although God provides for the birds, Jesus affirms in Matthew 6:26 that humans are more valuable in God's view than birds simply by virtue of being created according to a divine pattern. Furthermore, Jesus's example of compassion for women, children, the sick, and people with disabilities, groups deemed inferior in Roman society clearly demonstrates that all people are valuable to God. Admittedly, Scripture does not comment explicitly on whether fetuses are fully human, but there is enough evidence from Scripture to argue it is highly likely they are. For example, in Exodus 21:22-25, God says that if two men get into a fight and hit a pregnant woman causing her to give birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must only pay the husband a fine. But if there is serious injury, the community must "take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth" (lex talionis). What is noteworthy about this passage is that it does not specify who must be harmed for lex talionis to be applied, leaving open the possibility that it would apply if either the woman or the premature baby were harmed. In the New Testament, Hebrews 7:10 states that "when Melchizedek met Abraham, Levi was still in the body of his ancestor." This verse offers compelling evidence that the soul is not infused into a child after birth. The entire human nature (both body and soul) of the child is transmitted directly by the parents. While these verses do not conclusively prove that a fetus is fully human, I agree with Millard Erickson that given how severely Scripture condemns the destruction of human life, "prudence dictates that a conservative course be followed."11 Another influential worldview in society that derives from personhood theory is the philosophy of materialism which grew out of Charles Darwin's theory of evolution. The basic premise of materialism is that humans are nothing more than biological organisms motivated only by physical pain and pleasure. This philosophy relies on the same Western split system of truth to argue that since morality is not something that can be seen or empirically tested, it is an illusion, "window dressing to disguise what is really nothing but the human organism's drive to avoid pain and enhance pleasure."12 Even from a secular perspective, this view is problematic because even ardent materialists are logically forced to acknowledge the necessity of drawing a line beyond which a person is no longer a lower story biologically human organism, but an upper story person with rights. Without such a line, it would be justifiable to kill anyone. The problem is, apart from the Christian worldview, there is no objective criteria for determining personhood. Some bioethicist like Peter Singer argue that even toddlers are a "gray case" since their cognitive capacity is still quite limited.13 At the end of life, the materialist philosophy is used to justify assisted suicide. The logic of this argument rests on what Ulla Schmidt calls "the general appeal of consequentialism" which argues that an agent ought to have the freedom to choose the action that would yield "the maximum net positive result."14 For a patient with a terminal illness facing severe pain with no hope of recovery (enhancing pleasure), the maximum net positive result for the patient might mean at least allowing the patient to end her suffering. Even from a secular perspective this theory is problematic because it depends on the ideal situation in which the patient is of sound mind, and is not being coerced by family or healthcare personnel, and documentation has proven that this is not always the reality.15 But even in an ideal situation, assisted suicide is problematic from the biblical perspective. In Genesis 9:6, God explicitly forbids murder because the fact that humans were created in the image of God makes all human life inviolable, so I believe it is safe to presume from this verse that the physician who assists a patient in ending her life would be complicit in committing murder, even if it is what the patient claims to want. In a systematic rejection of suicide, Augustine also argues that Genesis 9:6 forbids the killing of oneself because patience is a fundamental Christian virtue, and therefore the evil and suffering of this world must be patiently endured.16 Another problem with the materialism philosophy's justification of assisted suicide to end suffering is that a 2014 study found that most people choose assisted suicide not because they are experiencing physical pain or even because they fear such pain in the future, but because they have indirectly absorbed personhood theory and don't want to be a burden to others when they are no longer a "person" in the upper story sense of the word.17 This is an inconvenient truth for proponents of assisted suicide who portray the practice as a compassionate choice. But even if proponents acknowledged this inconvenient truth and framed assisted suicide as an act of compassion to spare the patient's family the burden of caring for them, this argument would be a flagrant misuse of the word compassion because Scripture teaches that "true compassion means being willing to suffer on behalf of others, loving them enough to bear the burden of caring for them."18 Materialism can also reduce human life to a cost-benefit analysis. While proponents of physician-assisted suicide claim there are safeguards against coercion, some cancer patients in states where this practice is legal have reported being pressured by their insurance provider to choose this option because medication to end life is a whole lot cheaper than cancer treatment.19 From a utilitarian perspective, euthanasia of cancer patients might promote the greatest good for the greatest number in terms of sparing the patient's family enormous medical bills, and lowering healthcare costs for everyone. But the biblical perspective recognizes that "it is God who has called the individual into existence for his purposes and ends, and those purposes cannot be set aside in the name of the collective interests of society."20The Biblical Perspective Kevin Vanhoozer acknowledges that the analysis of our material dimension by the natural sciences is not, in and of itself problematic. After all, Genesis 3:19 states that from dust we were created, and to dust we will return. But Kevin Vanhoozer considers the natural sciences to be "provisional versions of human reality that need to be deepened, or perhaps disciplined by explicitly Christian beliefs" because the natural sciences cannot adequately account for human behavior.21 While philosophical anthropology attempts to explain human behavior, it has difficulty reconciling the simultaneous optimism of human creativity and pessimism of humanity's destructive potential.22 The proper understanding of human behavior, and by extension the concept of human dignity, can only be understood through the lens of theological anthropology. The biblical perspective of human dignity centers on the theological statement that humanity was created in God's image. Scripture does not offer much in the way of an explicit definition of what this means, but there is enough evidence from Scripture to affirm three crucial truths based on this statement. First, the name Adam refers not just to one man, but to humanity as a whole. John Kilner points out that this fact often goes unnoticed by Christians living in individualistic societies such as the United States.23 But the consequences of this oversight have been devastating, as it has led to a flawed understanding of the concepts of freedom and autonomy in these societies. While the secular concept of freedom centers on self-determination, the biblical perspective is what Ulla Schmidt describes as a "paradoxical freedom."24 We are free in the sense that regardless of our circumstances in this world, this world is not our true home. But we are also bound in relationship to God and to one another, which implies that we are not free to end human life--even a life that is still inside a mother's womb--or even to kill ourselves, thereby breaking this relationship. Second, the creation-cultural mandate of Genesis 1:28 is a consequence of being created in God's image, but it is not the image itself. According to John Kilner, misunderstanding of this truth has led many to define the concept of being in God's image as currently possessing attributes of God such as the capacity for reasoning.25 It should be obvious how this misinterpretation opens the door to acceptance of personhood theory, leading even supposed Christians to justify the exploitation or murder of fetuses, infants, or the irreversibly comatose on grounds that since these people lack attributes of God, they are not in God's image. Finally, although sin has severely damaged people, it has not destroyed, damaged or even twisted the image itself because the true image of God is Christ. Paul states in Ephesians 4:24 that we are "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." While John Kilner acknowledges the honest intentions of theologians who use the metaphorical language of God's image being damaged to drive home the devastating consequences of human sin, he argues that this idea has robbed people of their dignity by implying a sense of hopelessness, causing people to abandon any sense of accountability to God for their actions. Christ is currently the only true image of God, but we are all called to become this image of righteousness and holiness, which in practical terms entails a re-framing of the concept of our dominion over creation. There is no human dignity in Western philosophies whose valuing of human life is based on subjective criteria, and whose idea of dominion is a "strategy for acquiring, increasing and securing power over others."26 True human dignity is only achieved when we conform to Christ's idea of dominion, a dominion of peace based on the objective premise that all human life has intrinsic value.Conclusion Some opponents of Christianity can respect a Christian's personal conviction that practices like abortion and euthanasia are wrong, but resent having the Christian view imposed on them. On the surface, this is a fair argument. But the problem according to Nancy Pearcey is that "when society accepts the practice, it absorbs the worldview that justifies it."27 Currently, abortion and prenatal screening for conditions like Down syndrome are framed as a choice. But if such practices become widely accepted, it may only be a matter of time before insurance companies and taxpayers resent the cost of medical care, special education services and accommodations for these children, and view parents who bring these children into the world as irresponsible. At worst, this could mean that genetic screening and abortion of children with Down syndrome (or any other disability for which a prenatal test is developed in the future) may no longer be optional. At the very least, it would result in a much more hostile world for all people with disabilities, with public accommodations and technological innovation becoming a lower priority, especially for "preventable" disabilities. Society could also come to view abortion as the best option for poor families, which would lead to disinvestment in social welfare services. If assisted suicide is widely accepted, the suffering for people who choose to live would also increase as innovation related to palliative care would also become a low priority. As already mentioned, the coercion of cancer patients in states where assisted suicide is legal proves that if assisted suicide becomes a widely accepted practice, it may only be a matter of time before euthanasia is no longer optional for people with conditions that incur high medical costs. Perhaps these stark implications could be driven home for opponents of Christianity by co-opting the utilitarian philosophy. Sometimes, it is necessary to forfeit individual rights to promote the greatest good for the greatest number, especially since we are all--regardless of race, education or socio-economic status--potentially just one unexpected illness or horrific accident away from this discussion no longer being hypothetical. The Christian with righteous motives does not impose their views on others out of a selfish desire for power or political influence. We do so because individual choices eventually add up to a society's worldview, and out of love for our neighbor, we wish to protect society from becoming a more technologically advanced, but no less brutal version of societies like ancient Rome whose pre-Christian worldview ultimately had devastating consequences for everyone. In addition to the practical reasons for promoting the God-given dignity of all human life, even Laura Hercher, a genetic counselor at Sarah Lawrence College raised the rhetorical question, "if the world didn't have people with special needs and these vulnerabilities, would we be missing a part of our humanity?"28 From a theological perspective, my answer is that we absolutely would. When Jesus and his disciples encounter the man blind from birth, Jesus said "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life" (John 9:3). Personally, I believe this passage indicates that people with disabilities are a part of God's plan and he has a purpose for them which could not be accomplished any other way. Even though I have a disability myself, I have become so accustomed to living with it that even I take my blessings for granted and can easily become self-absorbed. But when I visit my grandma in the nursing home who is confined to a wheelchair and can barely speak now due to Parkinsons disease, my capacity for compassion and empathy is renewed. Whenever I meet new people, I love witnessing their amazement when I show them how I read and write using braille. Perhaps God allowed a world with vulnerable people and people with disabilities to teach us how to be compassionate and open-minded to other ways of living, making the tapestry of humanity infinitely more beautiful.1. Lisa Ko, “Unwanted Sterilization and Eugenics Programs in the United States,” Independent Lens: Beyond the Films, January 29, 2016, https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/unwanted-sterilization-and-eugenics-programs-in-the-United-states.html.2. Ko, “Unwanted.”3. Sarah Zhang, “Prenatal Testing and the Future of Down Syndrome,” The Atlantic, December 2020, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/12/the-last-children-of-down-syndrome/616928.4. “States Where Medical aid in Dying is Authorized,” Compassion and Choices, Accessed May 9, 2022, https://compassionandchoices.org/resources/states-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized.5. Nancy Pearcey, Love thy Body, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2018), 12.6. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 86.7. Robert Wennberg, “The Right to Life: Three Theories,” Christian Scholar’s Review 13, no. 4 (1984): 317.8. Wennberg, ”The Right to Life,” 318.9. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 103.10. Kevin Vanhoozer, “Human Being, Individual and Social,” in The Cambridge Companion to Christian Doctrine, (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1997), 163.11. Millard Erickson, Christian Theology, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2013), 508.12. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 89.13. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 54.14. Ulla Schmidt, “Euthanasia, Autonomy and Beneficence,” Studia Theologica 56, no. 2 (2002), 316.15. Schmidt, “Euthanasia,” 137.16. Schmidt, “Euthanasia,” 315.17. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 90.18. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 91.19. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 91.20. Wennberg, “The Right to Life,” 317.21. Vanhoozer, “Human Being,” 160.22. Vanhoozer, “Human Being,” 162.23. John Kilner, Dignity and Destiny: Humanity in the Image of God, (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Pub. Company, 2015), 196.24. Schmidt, “Euthanasia,” 142.25. Kilner, Dignity and Destiny, 22.26. Vanhoozer, “Human Being,” 162.27. Pearcey, Love thy Body, 93.28. Zhang, "Prenatal Testing."BIBLIOGRAPHYErickson, Millard J.Christian Theology. Third edition.Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2013.Kaelber, Lutz. "Eugenics: Compulsory Sterilization in 50 American StatesUniversity of VermontUpdated 2011https://www.uvm.edu/~lkaelber/eugenics/Kilner, John Frederic.Dignity and Destiny: Humanity in the Image of God.Grand Rapids, Michigan: Eerdmans Pub. Company, 2015.Ko, Lisa. "Unwanted Sterilization and Eugenics Programs in the United States."Independent Lens: Beyond the Films.January 29, 2016https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/unwanted-sterilization-and-eugenics-programs-in-the-united-states/Pearcey, Nancy.Love Thy Body: Answering Hard Questions About Life and Sexuality.Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2018.Schmidt, Ulla. "Euthanasia, Autonomy and Beneficence."Studia Theologica 56, no. 2 (2002): 132-51."States Where Medical aid in Dying is Authorized," Compassion and Choices, accessed May 9, 2022, https://compassionandchoices.org/resources/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorizedWennberg Robert N. "The Right to Life: Three Theories."Christian Scholar's Review 13, no. 4 (1984): 315-32.Vanhoozer, Kevin. “Human Being, Individual and Social.” In The Cambridge Companion to Christian Doctrine, 158–188. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1997.Zhang, Sarah. "Prenatal Testing and the Future of Down Syndrome."The AtlanticDecember 2020https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/12/the-last-children-of-down-syndrome/616928/ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

Well readers, I am a woman of my word, and given that the Fall semester of seminary school officially starts this week, and the abortion debate will probably dominate the news cycle until midterms, it is almost time that I share the research paper I wrote last semester on the biblical perspective on human dignity. As I mentioned, I earned an 84%, not the greatest grade but in retrospect I realize it was a fair grade as I got too emotionally invested in the paper and thus it was too narrowly focused on the sanctity of life when the concept of human dignity also involves a more broadly defined inclusion of groups both society and the church tend to marginalize such as the aged, or people who choose to remain single. I also share this paper with the caveat that because of its narrow focus, abortion as it relates to genetic screening for disabilities like Down Syndrome, my true views on the broader abortion debate are not as black-and-white as portrayed in this paper. Hence, the reason this post is in two parts. Since my paper is over 3,000 words, I am giving it a post of its own tomorrow. But before sharing my paper, I wanted to clarify my views on this issue because although I believe there is compelling biblical evidence that God regards the unborn as fully human, the extreme degree to which many fundamentalists have weaponized Scripture related to this subject, sadly but understandably explains why so few people in my generation, and the younger generations want to associate with Christianity, and I want to make sure readers understand that these are not my views. Furthermore, since Scripture does not explicitly address abortion, it is important that theologians approach this subject with humility.Abortion is a very sensitive and complicated subject, so much so that when I was a junior in high school and a Social Studies class required us to research an issue and present our views on the issue, the teacher said abortion was the only topic that was off limits. (I chose the topic of capital punishment, an issue that I feared the teacher wouldn't accept because it also has to do with sanctity of life. But he allowed it because it wasn't abortion). So it is with a little trepidation that I am devoting a blog to this issue. (My paper will also address physician-assisted suicide.) But in these times, bravery--which I define as doing your best to speak truth and stand up for what is right regardless of political or social consequences--is becoming ever more essential, so I am going to be brave.When I was a senior in high school, I heard some of my peers from an advanced literature class talking about The Handmaid's Tale. Out of curiosity, I downloaded it from Bookshare, but at the time didn't get very far because the plot moves very slowly and I just couldn't stay engaged with it. But then a few years later, around the time Donald Trump was elected and society at-large was raving about it, I decided I ought to give it another try, and this time I could hardly put it down. I finished it shortly before the first season of the TV show was released on Hulu, and I engaged in much lively conversation with other female coworkers at the Social Security disability law firm where I worked at the time about how scary the show was when you considered that real life seemed to be getting perilously close to resembling Gilead. Around that time, Mom found a YouTube video--unfortunately I could not find it again--in which Laura Ingraham was asked by the host of the Fox show immediately following her whether she would consider running for President, and she responded that she would, accept for the fact that she believes women shouldn't work outside the home! Of course, the hypocrisy of this statement was glaring, given that she hosted a TV show and made millions of dollars, making her a real life Serena Joy! What is even more astounding is that in an article the author, Margaret Atwood wrote for The Atlantic, she said she stopped writing the book several times, thinking that the plot was too far-fetched!I do stand by my belief that the genetic testing industry should be regarded with a healthy degree of wariness because as my paper will explain, if society comes to accept abortion of embryos likely to be born with disabilities (high-tech eugenics) the implications would ultimately be devastating for everyone. But my paper overlooked three important truths. First, the presence of a genetic abnormality is not the reason behind most abortions. Second, people in privileged positions--men who will never experience pregnancy firsthand, as well as women whose wealth/whiteness insolates them--really have no business weighing in on all of the scenarios which for them are merely hypothetical. While I am qualified to advocate for children with disabilities, in retrospect, I realize I am not really even qualified to judge mothers who choose to abort a child likely to be born with a disability because I am in a position of privilege as a white woman born into a comfortably middle-class family who has never gone a day without excellent health insurance, and attended an affluent school district that was able and willing to provide all of the support I needed. One subject that was briefly discussed in the Shake the Dust interview with Dr. Amy Kenny which I mentioned in a previous post, is the idea that mothers who choose to abort babies with genetic abnormalities are not necessarily cold-hearted proponents for eugenics. Systemic racism, generations of poverty and constant cuts or threats of cuts to welfare programs trigger the legitimate fear for expecting mothers from less privileged backgrounds that they will not be able to properly provide for a child with disabilities. Ideally, we should prioritize robust legislation that rectifies our history of systemic racism and strengthens social safety nets, which would assuage the fears of these mothers, but in the meantime, no one has the right to judge them for choosing abortion. But most importantly, all of the hypothetical scenarios bandied about by politicians are what my paralegal textbooks would call red herrings, rabbit trails the opposing party coaxes you down to distract you from the real issue at play. In The Color of Compromise which I read last semester, the primary focus is racism, but Jemar Tisby also briefly discusses the history of the abortion debate because it is actually relevant to systemic racism. When Roe v. Wade was ruled in 1973, Christians' views on abortion were mixed, and the Southern Baptist convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the United States even passed a resolution stating that legislation should allow for abortion in cases of rape, incest, severe fetal deformity, and the physical, mental and emotional health of the mother. But when Christian fundamentalists were unsuccessful in their efforts to resist racial integration of schools, they needed a new issue to coalesce a voter base around to maintain their power and influence. The issue they ultimately decided to focus on was abortion. And while the pro-choice platform of Democrats seems kinder on the surface, the truth is that both sides now use the abortion issue to raise money and gain power and influence. Personally, I wish culture influencers would do more to promote responsible behavior BY BOTH PARTIES in a consenting relationship to avoid unwanted pregnancies rather than getting an abortion after the fact. At the same time, earthly governments have no business legislating morality.I look forward to the day when the whole world lives under a righteous, Christian government, but given our fallen state, we cannot and should not establish such a government by our own power. In 18th century America, many feared that government disestablishment from religion would mean the end of religion and moral disaster. While I don't have official statistics on how many Americans became religious nones immediately following disestablishment, there were no doubt some people who chose this path. There were definitely Deists, influenced by enlightenment philosophy such as Thomas Paine's Age of Reason who respected Jesus's teaching related to morality, but rejected the supernatural. But overall after disestablishment, Christianity actually flourished like never before as people could chose the denomination that most spoke to their hearts, and attending church was a choice. (All mainstream Christian denominations basically agree on essential doctrine. Their differences lie in how to interpret ordinances (for example, Infant baptism or believer baptism?) and worship style. The more I reflect on the overturning of Roe v. Wade and the extreme state laws this decision triggered, I cannot help but wonder if these laws are the modern manifestation of a desire of some to return to the status quo for most of our overall bleak human history when people in positions of power usurped God, denying the masses the chance to exercise the free will God intended. Under this system, a king could boast that his territory had been "Christianized" but no one's heart was really in it. This is suggested in the introduction to a primary source from 17th-century Europe which I read for my Church History course, which cited regulations prohibitting walking around or gosiping during prayers, and one distinguished theologian was praised at his funeral for never having slept during church! Thomas Jefferson had many flaws--most notably his hypocrisy in championing freedom while owning slaves--but we should all be grateful for his wisdom in pointing out that "if an all-wise and all-powerful God chose not to coerce the bodies or minds of men and women" what gives us "fallible, uninspired men" the right to do so (Schmidt and Gaustad, Religious History of America Chapter 6)?When fundamentalists of any religion seek to implement a theocratic government, the fact that all earthly governments are under the influence of Satan means that any righteous intentions that may have existed to begin with always and inevitably give way to hypocrisy, and a complete misrepresentation of the true tenets of the faith, as addiction to power takes precedence over genuine faith. Margaret Atwood illustrates these shortcomings of theocracy brilliantly in The Handmaid's Tale, as well as its sequel, The Testaments. In The Handmaid's Tale, June becomes aware of the hypocrisy of Gilead when after being forced to adhere to strict 17th-century purity standards, the commander Fred Waterford takes her to a former hotel converted into an underground brothel to satisfy the needs of high-status commanders and officers. In The Testaments, Aunt Vidala, the religion teacher at the "school" for girls in Gilead takes the story of the Levite and his concubine from Judges 19 and 20 completely out of context. But there are plenty of real-life examples, both historic and current, of hypocrisy and the cherry-picking of Scripture, from the conduct of Jerry Falwell Jr., to white pastors in 19th-century America who took Scripture out of context to justify chattel slavery. The abortion issue is just another example of hypocrisy, given that the same politicians who are vehemently pro-life as it relates to abortion resist any efforts to control who has access to guns, or strengthen social safety nets to protect children after they are born. It also bothers me that pro-life dialog around this topic seems to put all of the blame and shame of an unintended pregnancy on the shoulders of women when as far as I am aware, the virgin Mary is the only woman in human history who became pregnant without the involvement of a man.Because of my medical history, I most likely will never be pregnant, which occasionally gives me twinges of sadness because I would love the opportunity to raise a child from infancy someday. So I must admit I could kind of empathize when I heard that some protestors stand outside abortion clinics with signs that say, "I will adopt your baby." But I am now beginning to understand why women seeking abortions find such signs offensive. As my paper will explain, the Bible never explicitly addresses abortion, but there is compelling evidence to suggest that God cherishes the unborn, and that they may possess souls long before birth. But there is also much more direct evidence in Scripture that God values women as more than mere incubators. Carrying an unwanted pregnancy can be traumatic, even dangerous, especially for women of color, and the motives of people like me are actually quite selfish given that there are already thousands of older children, even teenagers in the foster care system who need loving forever homes.All this is to say that as I have learned more about the abortion issue since the overturn of Roe v. Wade, my views on abortion have become more nuanced since I wrote my paper. Politicians whose Christianity and pro-life position is genuine would support positive legislation that indirectly encourages women to choose life, such as legislation that strengthens social safety nets and garantees universal access to health care, while having the humility to recognize that as politicians, they are not experts in all of the difficult real-world situations that lead to abortion, and therefore should not enact rigid laws banning it. Since science and medicine are aspects of God's general revelation to all of humanity, doctors should have no fear providing medical care that technically involves abortion, and legislators should trust women and their doctors to privately decide what is in the best interest of all parties on a case-by-case basis rather than setting arbitrary limits on when abortion is permissible.I am pro-life, and I believe that from the moment of conception, embryos should be respected as far more sacred than just a clump of cells. But I also believe that sincere Christianity should define pro-life in far broader terms than the abortion issue. Furthermore, Christians also need to have the humility to recognize that as compelling as passages like Luke 1:41 (when John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth's womb at the sound of Mary's voice) are for us in-house, theologians disagree on how literally to interpret this, and other passages related to the unborn. So we must accept that this idea that life begins at conception is not a universal view imparted through general revelation on the consciences of all humanity, but a perspective gleaned from God's special revelation in Scripture. As Christians, we can and should share the gospel on an individual level by praying to the Holy Spirit for guidance in gently, lovingly encouraging friends, family, coworkers who may reach out to us to choose life. Yet there is no ambiguity as to how to interpret verses where Jesus calls us to have compassion for the poor, the refugee seeking asylum, women, and these values have also been imparted on the conscience of the vast majority of humanity, as evidenced by the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which was drafted by people from diverse nationalities and religious backgrounds, and was passed in 1948 by the United Nations in response to the atrocities of World War II and the Holocaust. Legislation should focus on these universal human rights, many of which the United States has room for improvement in recognizing. But we should leave the judgment of women who seek abortion to God. Jesus, who was all-powerful and without sin, never coerced people to adhere to his teachings, but drew people to him through love, mercy, compassion. If the Christian faith and pro-life views of politicians and pro-life lobbyists were sincere, they would do the same. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

This past year, Mom deep-cleaned the basement, put in new flooring (by herself), donated/threw away things we no longer used and reorganized special items we wanted to keep. One day several months ago, shortly after this massive undertaking was complete, I had just finished walking on the treadmill one Tuesday evening when I grabbed my phone off the shelf where I set it to play music, and in so doing noticed a folder with braille sticking out of it. Curious, I carefully pulled out the folder to look inside, and discovered she had saved the letter I wrote on Wednesday November 3, 2004, the day after the 2004 election, to President George W. Bush.I remember that day vividly. I was a freshman in high school, too young to vote, but I voted for John Kerry in a mock school election during lunch period on the eve of the real election. To my dismay, George W. Bush was declared the winner of the mock election. But my parents weren't surprised at all. We were independent voters, but they told me our county is a very Republican-leaning county. Looking back on it, high school was an interesting time. My peers and I were taking more interest in current events, as we realized how rapidly adulthood was approaching, and were starting to form our own opinions, and yet we were still largely sheltered, our opinions heavily influenced by our family values. The bus ride to school on Election Day was interesting, as I witnessed a boy from a conservative family get into a somewhat heated argument with the bus driver, a Black woman. A couple days later, on the bus ride home, I voiced my disappointment with Republican opposition to stem-cell research to a boy in a wheelchair due to muscular dystrophy whom I had ridden the bus with since elementary school. We had a casual friendship. One monday morning in middle school, he told me that a big project for Social Studies was due that day when I thought we had another week to work on it. When he saw my panicked face, he laughed and said, "Just kidding!" I liked teasing him for his unfair advantage in gym class when he would cruise around the perimeter of the gym in his wheelchair while the rest of us had to walk the laps. (He had his own exercises appropriate to his situation later).On the bus home a couple days after Election Day, I told him how my sister and her boyfriend (now husband), were pursuing science degrees at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and pointed out that this field of research could one day repair my optic nerve and restore my sight, but Republican opposition was slowing this research. He responded that stem-cell research might hold the cure to his muscular dystrophy too, but he would rather remain handicapped than benefit from research that killed embryos. I didn't have a response to this compelling argument. This conversation, and the interesting tension between self-interest and ethics it raised came back to mind on June 24 when Roe v. Wade was overturned. I will talk more about this issue specifically in another post, but that conversation was my first awareness of the reality that these sensitive issues are not black-and-white, and to pass legislation at either extreme that does not recognize this reality is counter-productive. (It would be really interesting to know where these bus friends stand on these issues now that they have experienced the broader adult world.)The winner of the real election had not been called as of 7:30 Wednesday morning when I left for school. But one of my friends who somehow had access to the news came up to me in the hall between second and third hour, and informed me, with an excited tone of voice that indicated she had voted for Bush in the mock election, that George W. Bush was declared the winner, and John Kerry had just conceded. I think I smiled and uttered a neutral, "That's cool!" Good sportsmanship was heavily emphasized in my family, and our school, so it never occurred to me to question the integrity of the election, or that one day, an insurrection would be instigated by adults who could not accept the outcome of an election. But after talking to my friend, a burning inspiration welled up in me, a sense that I needed to get civically engaged. I was going to write a letter to the president voicing my concerns. I have heard of people doing this. I have even heard of children being invited to the State of the Union address and being recognized for their activism. Maybe I would be recognized for my activism too, not just any teenager, but a blind teenager writing a letter to the president! Maybe shaking hands with one of my senators would fast-track me to an internship program and I would one day be president of the United States. Yes, I had a really big ego! In fact, my ego was so big that the following Saturday, realizing that I would no longer own the BrailleNote that composed this letter once I graduated high school, and even before then the digital file could be lost, I spent the morning re-typing the letter on my Perkins Brailler so that it would be preserved for posterity. It clocked in at 1,431 words according to my BrailleNote, 3 print pages, 8.5 braille pages.I must have given my Math homework short-shrift that night because I remember typing feverishly on my letter that evening. I finished it during study hall the following afternoon, and printed it at school. The following day, Friday, there was no school, as we always had a long weekend at the end of each quarter to give teachers time for grading. This meant Mom could take me to the post office first thing in the morning, I realized as I got on the bus that afternoon!Mom laughed a little uneasily about the pointed language in my letter--no veiled threats or anything like that, just a very snarky tone--but she was fully supportive of my activism. So that evening, she helped me re-type the letter on our desktop computer to correct some formatting issues and make minor edits, but the final letter ended up being pretty close to my original inspiration, and on Friday morning, it was signed and sealed and Mom promised we would drop it off at the post office on the way to a garden center with Grandma.I forget the specifics of why the post office mailbox was blocked, but Mom said she couldn't pull the car up to it as she usually does, and she thought it would be easier if I just give her the envelope and let her get out of the car and drop it in the mailbox. So I gave her the letter, but when two months passed with no response, despite knowing that Mom is a person of impeccable integrity whom I still trust to fill out my ballots on Election Days--and we have on a few occasions voted differently--I had to ask, "you really did drop it in the box, right?" In my teenage mind, it dawned on me that given the contentious political climate--though child's play compared to the political climate today--her understandable motherly instinct to protect me from possible negative repercussions could have prompted an uncharacteristic one-time act of deception that would have been very easy to pull off given I am blind. She could have gotten out of the car, walked to the mailbox, maybe even stuck her hand in the mailbox without actually releasing the envelope from her grip, and walked back to the car.Much later--I think it might have been March or April--I did receive a terse, generic form letter. No invitations to the State of the Union Address, no fast-tracking to an internship, but it still ended up being a valuable learning experience that still influences how I think about politics today.My cynical attitude toward politics was cemented during my time studying with my Jehovah's Witness friends. When they explained why they do not vote or run for political office, I remember challenging, "but if we had more people of good character in government, this world could be better?" They responded that there are good people in office, but they are ineffective because all earthly governments are influenced by Satan. When they went home, and I watched news coverage of Donald Trump's meteoric rise in popularity despite a complete absence of morals, or Republicans so out-of-touch with average people, so beholden to lobbyists, and so addicted to power that they championed denial of health coverage to people with pre-existing conditions and refused to pass sensible gun control legislation even after hearing emotional testimony from grieving families, when Hillary Clinton, despite having character far superior to Trump, was nonetheless also beholden to large donors and wasn't entirely transparent, especially when it was revealed she used a private e-mail server for government correspondences, it occurred to me, "oh my goodness! The Jehovah's Witnesses are right!" But the seed of cynicism was planted with that letter back in 2004, my first realization that politicians really don't care what the average teenager in middle-America thinks.To be fair, like I said it wasn't the greatest letter. I laughed hysterically when I found this letter. I cannot believe what a snarky teenager I was! To get a taste of my tone, here is the first paragraph: "My name is Allison Nastoff and I am fourteen years old. I am also blind. I am writing to you on behalf of me as well as my parents, siblings and friends to inform you that I am very disappointed that you were reelected. Let me tell you why since apparently, you haven't been listening to the news or the pleas of half the American people." The rest of the letter is pretty much parroting rhetoric from hyper-partisan sources like Michael Moore's movie Fahrenheit 9/11, or arguments I overheard from friends and family. My ignorance of history was also on full display, as I unfairly attributed economic policies that encouraged the outsourcing of jobs, and opposition to abortion and stem-cell research to George W. Bush personally, not fully understanding the concept of party platforms, and unaware that the modern positions of the Republican Party actually originated with Ronald Reagan, and the Moral Majority Campaign of Christian fundamentalists that got him elected.What is interesting about this letter though is that despite having a much better grasp of history, and eighteen additional years of life experience and exposure to people with different views, my positions on the issues I address remain largely unchanged. If I were writing this letter today, my reasoning would simply be more nuanced, and of course, I would write more conscientiously and seek constructive feedback to ensure my tone would be less off-putting. For example, when criticizing his opposition to same-sex marriage and abortion, I write, "I am definitely against gay marriage and abortion because marriage should be between a man and a woman, and having an abortion does take the life of an unborn child, but I strongly oppose outlawing abortion, and passing a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage. This is because, as John Kerry said, you can't legislate your religious beliefs." I laughed at my teenage self for being so partisan that I appealed to John Kerry as if he were God. Today, if I chose to appeal to a person, I would choose someone more illustrious like Thomas Jefferson who stated in the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom that, "Almighty God hath created the mind free." But while we should not go as far as totally demonizing Thomas Jefferson, we should acknowledge the hypocrisy of this and other statements he made regarding liberty in light of the reality that he owned many slaves. Perhaps a more impactful argument would simply be to respectfully point out that while we are free to have our own personal convictions on these subjects, we really have no right to broadcast our opinions, much less legislate on them unless we have had firsthand experience with these circumstances.One fundamental aspect of my letter has evolved significantly however. In my critique of the war in Iraq, in my critique of his opposition to stem-cell research, and in the conclusion of the letter, I give considerable attention to America's stature in the world. Perhaps embracing the idea of American exceptionalism was understandable in 2004, just three years after 9/11. The way I remember it, although there was certainly division in 2004, there was also still a lingering sense of patriotism in those days. But as an adult, I have come to believe that the concept of American exceptionalism is problematic. Even if you don't ascribe to Christianity, I would submit to you that American exceptionalism is harmful because it actually hinders our progress toward becoming more exceptional (a more perfect union). It's like when I was in chamber choir in high school. Chamber choir was the highest-level choir in the school. Auditions were required to get in, and not everyone who auditioned was accepted. We all loved to sing, and knew what we had signed up for, more challenging music. But this choir met the last hour of the day, so we were tired from a long school day. I think we would have loved to just come to choir, sing our songs straight through, be told we were awesome, and go home refreshed from an hour of carefree singing and the stroking of our egos as the students privileged to be in the highest-level choir in the school. But that is not how Mrs. B operated. She did not care that it was the last hour of the day. She expected excellence from us, and there were many days when we couldn't sing more than one note without her stopping to nitpick the tiniest improperly pronounced vowel, or tone that wasn't locked. One day when she could sense that the class was exasperated by this, she stopped and explained that her nitpicking was out of love. We were excellent, but while the choir director who doesn't have high expectations, doesn't call out when students could do better may be the more fun teacher in the short-term, long-term, such teachers ultimately do their students a disservice. I believe the same metaphor is appropriate for our country. We do have a lot to be proud of as a country. No other civilization in human history has enjoyed the same degree of freedom, especially regarding speech and religion, as the United States. But we also have a lot to be ashamed of, especially our history of slavery, systemic racism, and the murder and oppression of indigenous people. Instead of reflexively accusing people like Nicole Hannah Jones (author of The 1619 Project) of hating America, we should recognize that people like her are comparable to Mrs. B. It is because they love this country that they challenge us to actually live up to the ideals espoused in our Constitution, which cannot happen until we are willing to take the extremely uncomfortable but necessary first step of exposing our ugly history to full sunlight.But for those of us who are Christian, American exceptionalism is especially dangerous because we have a tendency to merge this exceptionalism with Christianity (Christian Nationalism) which is actually a form of idolatry that ultimately leads people to worship country before God. It should come as no surprise that this attitude leads to the implementation of policies that are anything but Christian, but which people justify using Scripture.Thus if I were writing this letter today, I would radically reform the following problematic passage related to the war in Iraq: "But perhaps the most saddening aspect of this war in Iraq is our declining stature in the world. Before you took office, America was a super-power, a dream land which many immigrants saved all their earnings to immigrate to. Yet I have heard many predictions, even from optimistic adults predict that in four years, America will no longer be a super-power, or a dream place that people will immigrate to." First, the most saddening aspect of this war was the death of thousands of American soldiers and Iraqi civilians in a war that could not even be justified as self-defense provoked by a direct attack. But today I would ask, what gives us the right to appoint ourselves policemen of the world, toppling regimes like Saddam Hussein (evil as he was) when we have our own cruel history? I would also completely abandon the concern over our country no longer being a super-power because now I realize, so what if we are no longer a super-power. All once-revered empires in history--Ancient Egypt, Assyria, Babylon, Rome--and in modern times Great Britain, eventually fell. Even God's chosen people Israel were ultimately divided and scattered. The Bible says that kings are set up and deposed according to God's sovereign will (Daniel 2:21), and numerous Bible verses make it clear that only Christ's kingdom will endure forever. Some Bible scholars speculate that perhaps the United States is represented in the feet of the statue envisioned in King Nebachadnezar's dream, made from a mix of iron and clay, an empire that is strong because of the iron, but also divided (Daniel 2:41). But there is far from universal agreement about this, and in any case, such speculation is counter-productive. What matters is that no great empire of human history has endured forever, and to think that the United States will end up being some kind of divinely ordained exception to this pattern is a form of idolatry.As I mentioned back in June when I felt inspired to write about the gun violence epidemic, I had planned to read Jesus and John Wayne this summer, a book introduced to me in a discussion from my American Church History course. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten very far, and realistically won't have it finished by the time school starts again in a week and a half as it reads like a textbook so I have had difficulty staying focused on it. But in chapter 1, the author discusses how liberal Protestants and Fundamentalist Christians disagreed over whether the United States should get involved in World War I. While liberal Protestants saw the war as a war to end all wars, and an opportunity for the United States to extend Democracy and Christianity across the globe, fundamentalists questioned the very notion that the United States is or ever was a Christian nation. Unfortunately, it wouldn't take long for the attitudes of fundamentalists to radically change, but I would have agreed with a quote from the November 1914 edition of The King's Business, a monthly publication of the Bible Institute of Los Angeles. "A Christian nation" the editors argued, "is a nation which, as a nation has accepted Christ as its Savior and as its Lord in its commerce, in its politics, in its international relations and in all the departments of its life. Such a nation does not exist on Earth, and never has existed, and never will exist until our Lord comes again." Thus if I were writing this letter to George W. Bush today, I would no longer embrace the attitude of American exceptionalism, and would respectfully urge President Bush to return to the true tenants of the Christian faith, to seek peace, not war, to implement policies that honor the human dignity of all, even at the cost of political power, wealth or our dominance on the world stage.The political polarization today is such that during the Trump administration when I helped friends and family compose respectful letters to our representatives voicing our concerns, the letters were completely disregarded. I believe we are much safer as a nation under President Biden, a man whose integrity, character and competence is far superior to Donald Trump. But he is by no means perfect. I especially disagree with his decision to step back from his bold promises to invest in clean energy and issue new permits for oil drilling to lower gas prices, putting short-term economic interests ahead of the long-term existential threat of climate change. And Joe Biden is still part of a political system beholden to money and special interests such that I think even today if the teenage me said she wanted to write a letter to the president or her representatives, I would say, "Don't waste your time."This past Tuesday, Wisconsin held its primary election, and one of the races on the ballot was the race for the Democratic candidate who would run against--and hopefully unseat--Ron Johnson, a horrific embodiment of Christian nationalism. One of the candidates that ran was Steven Olikara. It just so happens that I went to school with him from kindergarten through high school, but that had nothing to do with why I supported him. His campaign was radical, and a refreshing departure from traditional politics. He wanted to represent the "exhausted majority," the vast majority of Americans who no longer trust that government can work for them. On Sunday July 17, a debate was televised statewide, and while the other candidates gave the traditional canned political responses to issues--assuring viewers of their pro-choice stance for example--Steven Olikara recognized the abortion debate had nothing to do with genuine concern for women or babies. It was an example of the political-industrial complex, an issue that both sides use to raise money and gain political power. He promised he would work to get money out of politics, even promising that he would not fundraise while Congress was in session. His website also advocated for term limits, and a citizen-legislature such that ordinary people could have access to politics, and thus the interests of ordinary people would be better represented. But ironically and unfortunately, because of his impeccable integrity, his refusal to participate in "the system" by accepting money from special interests, his campaign budget was only $500,000 compared with the multiple millions of the candidate the party establishment decided to coalesce behind, Mandella Barns. Many Wisconsinites likely were unaware of Steven Olikara because I only saw one very brief commercial last Sunday morning, and it frustrated me to hear that even many voters who were impressed by him decided to vote for other candidates, succumbing to concerns over "electability." Thus to my astonishment, while Mandella Barns won with over 389,000 votes, Steven Olikara received only 5,611 votes statewide! At least I can proudly say I was one of them. This is not to say that Mandella Barns isn't a good person. While he is wealthy now, as a black man raised by working-class parents, I am confident he understands and will represent ordinary people far better than Ron Johnson has. I also recognize that even if Steven Olikara won the primary race and the general election in November, his effectiveness would have been hindered by "the system." The Bible is clear that no earthly mortal--not even Steven Olikara--can truly reform our fallen world. Thus, I would tell the teenage me that while Ronald Reagan's racist rhetoric regarding welfare, and "law and order," and his flawed belief in trickle-down economics have done immeasurable harm to this country, he did get one thing right. Government is not the solution to our problems. Government is the problem. As such, far more productive than running for political office or writing letters to your representatives will be your decision to study to become a chaplain. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

I met my best friend in August 2008. His name was Gilbert, a yellow lab, my first guide dog and a loyal companion for twelve years. He came at just the right time to assist me in navigating college and the start of my career, and I couldn’t have asked for a more loving, loyal companion.   My parents and I made the difficult decision to put him to sleep on December 2, 2020, the day after his fourteenth birthday. This was during the worst of the pandemic, and normally, protocol at our vet required calling the vet upon arrival in the parking lot, and a tech would come to the car and take the pets in for their examinations while the owners waited in the car. It broke my heart to realize Gilbert might have to cross the rainbow bridge alone. But I was blessed that, at a time when human loved ones had to pass away in hospitals alone, the vet made an exception and allowed me to come in to sit beside my best friend in his final moments. I cried in June 2019, when I could no longer deny the reality that Gilbert was too frail for the long summer walks we used to enjoy. But by December 2, 2020, I knew it was time to let him go, and as I sat on the floor with him while the vet administered the injection, my parents, the vet and I smiled through our masks as we shared stories of our happy life together.     The final year of his life, he could barely walk and could not climb stairs. But every morning for most of his life, he would be waiting outside my bedroom door when I woke up to greet me with sincere joy as soon as that door opened. (I couldn't sleep with him because his snoring kept me awake.) He had to stop going to work with me in 2019 when he developed incontinence, but right up to the end, he came eagerly to me when it was time to leave for work each day, even as he needed a ramp to get into our car. It was rare to encounter anyone who didn't adore him. Over the years, everyone from peers to professors to coworkers told me that just seeing Gilbert, with his sweet, sunny disposition, brightened their day, and even the most no-nonsense professors couldn't help but stop and laugh when Gilbert would emit a perfectly timed snore or sigh during a boring lecture.   It breaks my heart to think about how, throughout human history, so many people have misconstrued the privileged status God gave to humans as rulers over all creation. While it is true that we are the only species with complex language (both oral and written), and the ability to reason and be held morally accountable, I believe God created animals like Gilbert not merely to serve us, but to teach us in a unique, nonjudgmental, nonpreachy way, how to be better people.     For one thing, Gilbert didn't know or care how much money I may or may not have had. In fact, he didn't even understand the concept of money. He only asked that his basic needs were met and was more interested in my love and attention than fancy dog toys. This attitude has given me a more mature perspective in my interaction with others, especially around occasions like Christmas where I also have come to realize that the joy of a new thing is fleeting, whereas love and attention given and received with family and friends offers truer, lasting joy.   On a similar note, Gilbert has also taught me to better appreciate the simple pleasures of life. It is so tempting to get consumed by self-pity, or to compare yourself to others and think “if only I had that job, or if only I had more money, life would be so much more exciting.” But when you don’t understand and thus cannot care about concepts like money and status, simple pleasures like eating, or looking out the window make every day an exciting day. While I am still a work in progress, I am trying to adopt this outlook on life, this appreciation and gratitude for the simple pleasures of life.      As with any deep friendship, we had the occasional argument.    "I know I'm on duty Mom, but I see my own kin ahead. I miss my kin as I am an only dog. Can I PLEASE PLEASE go say hi?" he would ask in dog language, panting desperately, increasing his speed dramatically, wagging his tail, and whining.    "No! I need you to guide me safely right now," I would try to answer in dog language, administering a leash correction, making him stop, sit and lay down to restore discipline, but our conflict was never fully resolved.But when he wasn't distracted by his own kin, he was the most trustworthy and sensitive guide a blind person could want. Sensing that snow and ice made me uneasy, he walked extra slow and cautiously in the winter. He also sensed that I was prone to tripping on the smallest of cracks in sidewalks, and would stop or slow down for cracks that guide dogs normally would have dismissed as insignificant. One Tuesday morning in 2010 when Gilbert and I attended a Bible study at a local church, Gilbert did not notice a pole that separated two doors. That day, as my head hit the pole with an audible PING, I understood firsthand the expression "seeing stars," despite being totally blind, and Mom who was with me swore the building shook. I was too shocked to discipline him or point out his mistake and have a do-over as is proper guide dog handler protocol, but it turned out I didn't need to. For several weeks after, he remembered that pole and needed coaxing to walk me through that door again. If he had been injured in that incident, you could call his behavior fear or self-preservation. But since he was not injured, I firmly believe his behavior was a sign of remorse, his way of apologizing profusely that he made a mistake that injured me, and promising it would never happen again, at least not there.    He was only capable of living his life one moment at a time. I cannot tell you how much time I have wasted worrying about something that will happen at work tomorrow, or fretting about what the future holds, while Gilbert was snoring contentedly. He didn't know what the future held either, but he didn't seem to care because in that current moment, he was sleeping peacefully, and that was all that mattered.   This also meant he was incapable of holding grudges. In 2016, he accompanied me for a job interview. It was a state government job I was really excited and hopeful about, but he made me look bad, and a month later, I received the rejection letter. For a week or so after that letter, I did what I had to do to take care of him, but the thought of him almost made me cry as I wondered if he may have cost me the job. When I would call his name, I could feel frustration and resentment in my tone of voice, and after work, I would just retreat to my room and not want anything to do with him. But soon it occurred to me that while I was replaying this moment in my head over and over, he had probably long forgotten about it. And even in the midst of that moment, he was not behaving out of malice toward me. He did not understand the seriousness of a job interview. All he knew was that there was another dog in the office which was unexpected, and his doggy instincts got the better of him. When I came to these realizations, I forgave him in my heart and showed him extra love. In return, he gave no indication that he noticed my resentment of him, or if he was aware of it, he had clearly forgiven and forgotten. Since that experience, I have noticed myself doing a better job of trying to apply this attitude to my other relationships, forgiving others quicker and giving them the benefit of the doubt.     Since he couldn't speak, scientists still debate whether friends like him are really capable of showing love. But when I passed out from dehydration in 2010 and had to go to the emergency room, he did not want to leave my side when I returned home, and when I had to go to work without him because he needed surgery to remove a tumor from his mouth, Mom said he had been crying until I got in the car, at which point he rode home with his head in my lap. In his final year of life when he could no longer climb stairs, he would cry from his bed downstairs if he was left alone, but when I went downstairs and sat with him to read or watch TV, he was happy. I couldn't have found any words to make him feel better even if he could have understood them, but just my presence was all he wanted. These, and other incidents too numerous to recount speak volumes. Love is a universal language that does not require words, a truth that we should all keep in mind in our human relationships, especially with elderly relatives nearing the end of life.    Don’t worry. I am not a crazy dog lady. I have many wonderful human friends as well, and I cannot imagine life without them. I also recognize the limits of dogs. We need the lifelong relationships and meaningful conversation that only human friendships can provide. But there is something unique about the relationship between man and dog that it is no wonder dogs have been coined as “man’s best friend.” Perhaps this reputation comes from their long history as loyal helpers that worked alongside humans, protecting the homestead from wolves, hunting, or guiding sleds. But given my experience with Gilbert, and the other pet dogs I have grown up with, I also wonder if we are drawn to dogs for friendship because they embody what all humans long for but have never figured out how to fully attain. After all, if we could all live the way our dogs live–savoring life one moment at a time, appreciating the simple things and not getting caught up in worldly trappings like money and status, being there for each other in times of need even if we are at a loss for the right words to bring comfort, loving and accepting one another unconditionally, letting go of grudges and forgiving quickly–just think how much better this world could be. And for people whose only friends seem to be their dogs, I wonder if it is because they have been let down by people in their lives, and they feel their dogs are the only ones that love them unconditionally. If we know of such people in our own lives, what if, instead of looking down on them and making fun of their obsession with their dogs, we instead aspired to live more like these dogs, and strive to be that friend their owners have been seeking? If you want a reason to smile for the day, and to see for yourself how sweet and adorable Gilbert was, here is a video Carroll University recorded on graduation day when we both received recognition. I received my diploma and he received a bone. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

"Brake now," Dad called out. The tires of our 1989 Toyota Camry squealed as I slammed on the brake.We both laughed and Dad said, "Don't worry. When I say brake now, I will give you plenty of time to come to a smooth stop, so you can press the brake pedal slowly."It was March 26, 2006, a Sunday morning and my sixteenth birthday. But I always knew I would never hold a driver's license. When I was seven months old, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that damaged my optic nerve, leaving me totally blind. I was blessed to grow up with the protection of the Americans with Disabilities Act, passed in August 1990, just two months before my brain tumor was diagnosed. I was also blessed to grow up in an affluent school district that was willing and able to provide all the support I needed, including technology, a classroom aid and a vision rehabilitation specialist who taught me everything from braille, to cooking, to Orientation and Mobility (how to travel using a white cane). But most important of all, I was blessed to grow up surrounded by parents and teachers with high expectations for me, and positive attitudes about blindness who told me that with just a little adaptation, I could live a rich, normal life, and there were very few things I couldn't do. As a result, I was a happy teenager with a 3.7 GPA who sang in two choirs and was eagerly anticipating college. I had always accepted that driving was one of those very few things I wouldn't be able to do, and I quickly overcame mild twinges of sadness hearing other kids at school chatter excitedly about getting their licenses by reminding myself of all that I could do, and by considering some advantages to not driving. Since I didn't have to be attentive to the road, I could use the drive to school to do some last-minute studying for a test, or to take a quick nap if I was up late finishing homework, and I was spared from the harrowing experiences my friends talked about driving to school on icy roads. I had fully accepted and anticipated that my sixteenth birthday would be just another happy but uneventful birthday."You want to go driving?" Dad asked when I woke up that morning. At first, I wasn't sure. I was cautious, even as a teenager, and while the prospect of a memorable experience driving on my sixteenth birthday was exciting, I didn't want this birthday to be memorable because I wrecked the car! But the excitement won out over my caution and I heard myself say, "Sure!"So after breakfast, Dad drove to an empty parking lot where we traded places. I sat in the driver's seat and while my dad would handle the gas pedal, I would get to brake and steer.For ten minutes, I drove around the parking lot, Dad calling out, "Brake now," or "Turn left." It was thrilling to feel the car respond to me, and by the end of that ten minutes, I was a pretty smooth driver if I do say so myself! But equally thrilling was gushing to my close friends and favorite teachers the following day at school about how I got to drive on my sixteenth birthday.    I am 32 years old now, but I still think about this experience and smile. As an adult who is still cautious, I have come to appreciate even more how this experience may have accelerated the greying of his hair. But I am eternally grateful to Dad for making my sixteenth birthday special, which, when you are a teenager, means a lot. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com

I am about to embark on what will likely be the most important blog post I ever write. Unlike most of my blog posts which have no higher purpose other than to unravel my thoughts about my own life, I sense that this post could change other people’s lives. And after this blog post, when I go back to rambling about my life, I get the sense that I will be referring back to this post a lot. While most other blog posts were written because I wanted to share them, I felt a strange stirring inside, a sense that I NEEDED to write this blog post. If I neglected to write it, I would be brushing off an order from God. So my prayer is that God will give me the right words to do justice to the incredible insights I have received lately, and that this joy will be contagious and transform other lives.In June 2015, Dad, Gilbert and I were taking an evening walk when a neighbor who is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses was out walking her dog too. I don’t think I had met this neighbor before this, but we hit it off and became fast friends. She was curious and amazed about how I managed life as a blind person, and asked if she could come over to my house a few days later to chat more, and if I was interested in a bible study. I said yes to this, and was excited about the prospect of learning more about this faith. Even as a small child, something intrigued me about Jehovah’s Witnesses. Maybe it was the genuine compassion and interest they showed in me when I ran to the door out of curiosity, or maybe I was enamored by their passion and dedication to their cause. There must be something special about a religion that inspires people to go door-to-door talking to strangers about it. When I was older and had picked up a few more tidbits about this religion, including the fact that they didn’t celebrate birthdays or holidays like Christmas, I would find myself feeling disheartened when my parents, and one time my grandma would beat me to the door and be very polite and courteous to them, while also making it very clear they were not interested in learning about the faith. I wanted to be more open-minded.Almost every Saturday for the next two years, this neighbor and another witness would come to my house and we slowly studied the organization’s introductory book “What Does the Bible Really Teach?” I also went to several Tuesday night bible studies at their kingdom hall, and even attended the memorial for the death of Christ in 2016, which is their version of Good Friday, except that they observe it on the first full moon of spring, no matter what day of the week it is. I did not end up converting because there were some theological things I didn’t agree with, which I will talk about in a future post. But one chapter of the book filled me with a deep sense of joy and anticipation that I had never experienced before. This chapter taught that when we die, we will not go to heaven. Instead, we will just be asleep in a sense, but when Christ returns, everyone all through human history will be resurrected and those who follow Him will live forever on a paradise earth, free of all the sin, sickness, trouble and even disabilities that plague this current system. Elmbrook Church is a bible-believing church of course, and they do believe that Christ would return and this troubled world would not be that way forever, but Elmbrook church, like most mainstream Christian churches, focuses on how to live a Christ-centered life in the here and now. When eternity is discussed, it is usually discussed in an abstract, churchy way. To be shown verses I had never paid attention to which showed we would not be spending eternity in some abstract heaven in the sky, but here on a beautifully restored Earth free of sin and trouble was exhilarating.Years ago I heard an old country song by Red Foley called “Peace in the Valley.” The second verse says, “The bear will be gentle, and the wolf will be tame. And the lion shall lay down by the lamb. And the beast from the wild will be led by a child, and I’ll be changed from this creature that I am.” I always felt compelled to stop what I was doing and drink in this song when it came on the radio, and it was one of the first songs I looked for to download on iTunes when I got an iPad for Christmas in 2011. It turned out that I think God had been trying to speak to me for years through this song because one Saturday in our bible study, I gasped as I realized that the words to this beautiful song were lifted right from Isaiah 11-6:9. I was absolutely giddy, and the witnesses agreed that God had been speaking to me. I played the song for them, and they enjoyed it too. When our bible study for that day had ended and the witnesses left, my parents and I decided to go out for lunch at Chipotle. I don’t usually share what we talked about in bible study because while my parents are open to me being open-minded and studying with them, they were not interested in learning about this faith themselves and I tried to respect that. So when they would ask how bible study was, I would just reply with a cursory, “it was good” or “it was interesting.” But that Saturday, I was so giddy I couldn’t resist launching into an excited tangent in the car on the way to Chipotle about the life to come on a paradise earth. But before I could finish, Dad shut the conversation down with a firm “that’s just one interpretation.” Maybe he was right. I was allowing myself to get a one-sided interpretation of the bible, skipping the critical analysis recommended by all my college professors. But oh how the child in me wanted this interpretation to be true. At the time I was in the thick of my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness, working full-time in a job I had no idea how to do, and this bible study infused me with new hope and joy that I desperately needed at the time. So I decided that I was going to have the heart of a child, something Jesus encourages, and quietly embrace this interpretation. With this decision made, I began to let my imagination go wild and think about what I was most looking forward to on a paradise earth. This decision spawned many amazing and thrilling conversations with the witnesses on Saturdays, but I was careful to keep these thoughts to myself around everyone else. One Tuesday when I went to a kingdom hall bible study last summer, everyone was encouraged to do what I had been doing, and again I came home giddy. My dad noticed this giddiness when I walked in, but I didn’t tell him why this time. I was not going to let myself be deflated again.In August 2017, I stopped studying with the Jehovah’s Witnesses and had what was for me a very difficult conversation about how I didn’t agree with everything Jehovah’s Witnesses believed, and didn’t want to leave Elmbrook because God has spoken to me there too. But we are still friends, and I still think about the coming paradise earth a lot. Since I love music and sing in choir, I noticed that other songs, especially country songs, would trigger thoughts about the paradise earth. For example, one day, my parents and I were watching a movie and during the closing credits, they played Gene Autry’s rendition of “Don’t Fence me in.” “oh give me land lots of land under starry skies above. Don’t fence me in. Let me ride through the wide open country that I love. Don’t fence me in.” Hearing that it occurred to me that in this current system I sometimes feel fenced in by my blindness. It is not safe for me to leave the house without a dog, cane or person, and even with these things, I don’t feel totally free. In unfamiliar settings, a sighted person is in the driver’s seat, directing me where to go, even when I am using a cane or dog. But through this song it was as if God was telling me that in the new system, I will not be fenced in. With sight restored, I could run out the door all by myself and just wander wide open woodlands, going wherever the spirit leads me. And maybe I could even find a horse to ride to the top of a hill where I could appreciate for the first time what sighted people mean when they talk about having a stunning view.Then one Sunday this past February, I was in a weekly apologetics class offered at Elmbrook when the instructor recommended that everyone, especially millennials read this piece. This article was very thought-provoking for me, someone who is a millennial, and I will talk more about it in a future post. But after reading the piece, I was just exploring the rest of the website as I sometimes like to do, and found out that the author of that piece had also written some books, one of which caught my attention. The book was called All Things New: Heaven, Earth, and the Restoration of Everything You Love. This sounded like it could be a book about the new system, the paradise earth! To my delight, it was available on Bookshare, so I downloaded it, and indeed, it was about the new system to come! John Eldredge called it the Restoration. To hear a mainstream Christian thought leader, embrace and write a whole book on the new system, a topic that I have never really heard pastors talk about, was refreshing and thrilling, because I felt like I now had renewed permission to think about and hope for this new system. Eldredge points out in this book that ever since we lost the garden of Eden, we are “like cut flowers.” We appear to be fine, but deep down, we ache for something, and we cannot place what it is. We find fleeting happiness in a new car, or the next adventure or dinner out, but this happiness doesn’t last. When I read this, I think I gasped to myself as a post I wrote back in 2013 came back to me. As a child, I would have these bizarre obsessions about nontraditional people like dogsled racers and pioneers who live off the land. I couldn’t understand why these things fascinated me so much as I wasn’t by any means an outdoorsy person who liked rugged living, unless I just admired them because they bucked the status quo and did something different rather than just being good little soldiers and settling for boring office jobs that didn’t fulfill them. While I didn’t actually want to live like a pioneer or race sled dogs across the wilderness of Alaska, I longed to figure out what a counter-cultural life would look like for me. I wasn’t aware of the Restoration back in third grade, but even then, that was what I was looking for. Eldredge also says in a later chapter, “most humans are profoundly thwarted in their calling here because of wounding, assault, envy, or circumstances that would never let them fly.” Due to a severe recession that was in full swing when I graduated from college, combined with a changing journalism field that was doing more with less and thus no longer felt welcoming to me, I have indeed felt thwarted in my calling by circumstances that would not let me fly. Because of this reality, Eldredge says that for most humans, their jobs range from disappointing to oppressive. While I am blessed to have a job that is not oppressive, it would be a lie to say I haven’t felt disappointed, even now with my part-time schedule. I am content enough in my job. All aspects of the job are accessible for me, and the people I work with are wonderful, but it is definitely not my “calling.” I often ache for, feel as though I was made for, something more. In the thick of my anxiety working full-time, I remember grasping at straws after work. I looked at writing classes, graduate schools in public policy, a class I did well in and enjoyed in college, and even whether it would be feasible to start a food truck selling healthy soups or salads. But the writing classes and graduate schools didn’t stir me with enough passion to go through with the rigors of applying for and paying for these programs, and my parents said (rightly) that a food truck would not be feasible with my disabilities. At that time, this lack of clarity, this feeling that my dreams were constantly being thwarted filled me with a sense of hopelessness. Now I realize I was longing for the restoration, when we will all be unencumbered and able to reach our fullest potential.This post is getting long, so I will discuss practical implications for how these insights could shape my life in the here and now in the next post. But I want to close this post with an exercise Eldredge recommends everyone do, and which I had already been doing with the witnesses. I am going to share the first three things I would love to do at the Restoration. Thinking about the Restoration in this personal, practical way makes this hope more tangible, and as I will elaborate more on in the next post, this tangible hope will make this current life seem less hopeless, even if our circumstances don’t change. I would love to hear about your own dreams in the comments as well.First, I would love to take a walk with Jesus, the way my dad and I enjoy taking walks on summer nights in this world. Jesus and I are similar in personality in that we both like quiet and solitude, so we may spend long periods just walking in silence, just enjoying the breeze on our faces and the sounds of birds, but we would also have deep conversations about why events in my life unfolded the way they did, what I could have done differently, or when He was intervening and I didn’t even notice. Then, I would love to strike out on the most epic vacation ever, one where I am in the driver’s seat. It would include running or riding on horseback through wide open country, as well as going to Africa to see and even pet lions or elephants which I have heard described as magnificent, but right now I can only listen to someone reading a plaquerd about these animals at the zoo because I cannot see and they are too dangerous to touch. The trip would also include sitting around a fire or table with people freely enjoying bread again because Celiac Disease will be no more. Finally, I would love to be a singer in a huge choir of thousands, maybe even millions of voices, many of whom would be people who would love to sing now but are too busy with the troubles and demands of this world to have time for choir. This choir would not struggle to raise money to stay afloat like so many choirs in this world, and since everyone would be free of health issues and the stresses of unfulfilling day jobs, they would come to rehearsal and not be exhausted or pre-occupied, and thus would sing with a more genuine joy.I am sure more thoughts will come to mind, and I look forward to sharing them as they take shape in future posts. And as I said, I will discuss practical implications for what these thoughts mean for the here and now in my next post. But in the meantime, if you are feeling discouraged, thwarted in pursuing your dreams, hopeless, or just longing for something more, rather than succumbing to hopelessness, or grasping at straws like I have done, or looking for escape in a silly television show or the next dinner out, I urge you to start dreaming instead of the Restoration. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theriversoflife.substack.com