029 - I Coach Peace of Mind, Barton

It's 2018's LOVE ON THE SLOPES and time to divide warrior from worrier with: Is your podcast repeating on you? ... THEME ... How was the Malort? ... Gin-adjacent European liquors ... "I threw up before we started recording this" ... Ghoulies II ... Toddler barf laughter ... BREAK ... Katrina Bowden and Thomas Beaudoin were terrific ... Extremely ungenerous female-lead plotting ... The Expositional Challenge ... Marmalard-ass boyfriend with no negative traits ... Astonishingly amicable sleigh-ride breakup ... Non-extreme extreme sports ... When female characters' cowardice crosses into incompetence ... Weezer shirts ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Journalismism: "A stable job that pays well"; employees can now brainstorm; get on a plane immediately; one-week cover story; Peter Pattakos, Cleveland Frowns shout-out; all day, LeBron, ALL DAY; belch interlude; Hallmark writing careers as could-have-been fulfillment; "World's Worst Beaches"; one-page cover story; Candace Bushnell-ism; beginning sentences with "for"; totally screwheaded ethical non-dilemma; Thomas Pynchon and JD Salinger cheapskating a diner ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Cole. It's Cole ... "Ma'am, please remove yourself" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee klutz, burger ascetic, hot chocolate, flannel eater ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Denver religious postal detectives, "welcome back to butt chat," and Chabert's snowy Georgia vs. Bitty Kane, HT Cowell, Christmas tree metaphors, the Dave and Buster's caught on fire, and elephant gawking at Ukuthulha ... Living and dying inside the Danny Glover/Christmas Train Metaverse ... Overdetermined: Making a successful young woman totally childlike and useless vs. Worrier vs. Warrior ad nauseam and the ease of taking risks in a risk-free universe ... Carrie Bradshaw voiceover returns! ... Crossover: Extreme sports at the Overlook Hotel or the movie Ski School ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Flying colors ... Partner Chat: Marital gloating, Jay Cutler doooonnnnn't caaaaaaare ... BREAK ... Leftovers: I guess you could say I coach peace of mind, Barton ... You're cool, Ohio/You're full of surprises, New York ... Thomas Beaudoin pulling winning gag faces ... Victorian-ass breakup dialogue ... Dubious iPhone beeping ... Extraordinary first-class boarding pass ... Rating: 2.5 ... Banff Motherf*cker ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "It Says Here (Alternative Version)" by Billy Bragg • "Hello Ladies (Val Venis Theme)" by WWE's Jim Johnston • NFL Primetime Theme #2 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne