030 - Jack Wagner's Ring Cycle: The Valkyrie

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of Previously.tv and the Extra Hot Great podcast return for The Wedding March 2: Resorting to Love and have to realize that: The White House has a leak, needs a plumber! ... The Melman wedding ... THEME ... Wedding marching again and getting predictions wrong ... What catalogue is this like leafing through? ... Leaning into the problems of the first movie ... Canadian Fred Weller ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Wyatt (an heir who goes to STATE, by the way) ... Wagner's 110% effort, especially on dad paranoia ... Just exploit Wyatt already ... Mick's suicidal business plan ... Insufficient Duke ... A cappella warmup with the movie's single ... Mick and Olivia's INSANE celibacy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Wyatt vs. Bridezilla vs. Mick and Olivia as mutual angels ... Classic Lines: Jack Wagner's useless disguise; chaste styles a couple cycles behind; bad rehearsal dinner hair; improved Josie Bissett wig; Ann Taylor loft, for sure; obscuring Bissett's enviable figure; Starburst-ass bowties; ill-fitting wedding gown; Bissett meets Warhol; fuchsia blazer, fuchsia shirt; dressing like Dianne Feinstein; *Seven Mary Three voice* Cumberbund; not a fan of the bund ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Eat Your Heart Out: Romantic dinner without romance; watered down wine; what the fuck was that wedding???; scattershot bridezilla; personalized ice sculptures; huge 34-person wedding; personalized cakes; cucumber-infused water ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Duck veterinarian; neighboring set visit; editors always editing; children's book editor from Magical Christmas Ornaments; Paul Greene and Erika Christensen's poached fried chicken ... Overdetermined: Hallmark can't mock crazy-elaborate weddings even as it needs to; badgering a husband who clearly regressively doesn't care; a doormat for every ballbreaker; angry at upselling; drone incompetence; Mick and Olivia pick a proxy fight ... The Blowjob Question ... Crossover: You've Got Mail (which sucked! and the evil people won!) vs. Better Call Saul scamming vs. Eating victim ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Completely no or ALMOST completely no ... Rating: 3, frequently baffled, never bored, too bridezilla'd ... More drones ... Leftovers: Special Marriage Dale Cooper ... Blake Shelton ... Melrose crossover, no McDonald's ... Double booking Univac ... Hugging your innkeeper ... Clip-art wedding logo and butt pendant ... Stanning for wallpaper ... His ass remains young ... Teaching "sha na na na na na" to your students ... We're marching back for #3! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me," by Jack Wagner • "Lighting Up the Night" by Jack Wagner • "Drivin' Miss Daisy" by Jack Wagner • "All I Need" by Jack Wagner • "Audrey's Dance" by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3