039 - Hallmark Origins: 9/11 Never Happened

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a fourth time for THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS, the movie that spawned the theory that 9/11 never happened in the Hallmark universe and includes: Determined to be unique! ... THEME ... Good movie, cult fandom ... Kimberley Sustad appreciation station ... "Godwink" ... Immortal Kathie Lee Gifford ... The Expositional Challenge ... Old dads and twentysomething sons getting equally hot ... Trapper John, MD, Hunter, Falcon Crest, MacGyver ... Spot the Angel: Ambrose the Cat (not of Milan) ... Lousy with angels ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mangiamo's; gleaming rolls; Folger's Product (again); flat champagne; sliced bread; Mrs. Claus' candy-cane ice cream bucket; cute meet-cute; "horrible diarrhea"; dog food and taco shells; Taco Bell wrapper; antihistamines and poultry; just desserts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A snowless and normal place; least Christmasy Hallmark Christmas movie; Oregon-less Portland ... Wicked New England without 9/11 OR Tawmmy Brady ... Lovable firemen, male friendship network, and multitudinous women friends ... Humanesque universal innocency ... Alicia Witt clumsy-jogging into everyone ... Kimberley Sustad: Beautiful normal-looking person ... "She looks like a newscaster!" ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Determined; unexplained phobia; fireman dad; correctly firing Chekhov's guns; puma callback; model and pet-store heiress; ostentatious fire-truck PDA; trashing your "psychotic" girlfriend to another woman; escaping via smoke breaks ... Vogue toothpaste editorials ... Don't give the stranger your friend's address ... BREAK ... Crossover: No Superman references; Chicago Vet ... DICK WOLF ... Singing the Law & Order theme ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folgers Tubbb! and Wal-Mart bags and zero pet-food promotion ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Did it fail by a lot? ... My firefighter boyfriend lives in Canada ... Bogus as hell firemen calendar ... Neutered-but-horny Instagram firehouse cat ... Partner Chat: We haven't kissed, but do you want to live in my house? ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Marilee and Merrily ... Kelvina Picklesmith ... Evicted at the Angel Arms ... Hiding my cat in front of the bay window ... Flashing a BS badge ... Violating your fireman's oath ... Kimberley Sustad: She's my sister! She's my daughter! ... The best kind of pretty ... Roving Christmas party Santa ... Wife-as-handyman ... A shade of Marilee White ... ART THOU FORLORN??? ... Weird party excuse ... Beautiful in a fireman's coat ... Rating: 4.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel • "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnan