063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining

We go back to the CHRISTMAS LAND (2015) and: We will never forget our granddaughters ... You can't go out there and die ... THEME ... Monsoons and painter's scaffolding ... Picking Richard Karn, Maureen McCormick and Christmas tree farms ... Tree farms, Staten Island, egg nog ... Dave's yokel safari ... Jurassic Park ripple ... Luke MacFarland Appreciation Station ... The Mistletoe Promise callback ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Cooper, Cobbler, Baker, Apothecary ... Two lawyers, first in class, failed in Contracts ... Implied, oral, incomplete ... Hallmark Goodfellas ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Glinda the Good Grandma vs. Jules herself ... Did you fight in the Scone Wars? ... Check out the barn on that one ... Eat Your Heart Out: Uncle pancakes, just a guy with pancakes, bathrobe-cult culture, actual cocktail, red-wine waterglass, live drillin', Thomas á Becket, cupcake abundance, collapsing roof ... Italian grief food amounts ... Artisanal barn cocktails ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The County of Christmas Land and Free Cities of Potemkin Christmas Villages vs. The greater Chicago/Midwestern Christmas blob ... Our Hallmark book written periodically in Elvish ... Something that sounds like Welsh ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Unacceptable, envisioning The Worst Idea of All Time, thought Shaq would be bigger, The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test ... Hallmark courtroom tactics ... Overdetermined: "I know what you're doing," angelic reaffirmation, Tucker's anti-metropolitan heel turn, exes can share New York, almost everything you need is here ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Heck no, but...; general good-plot and Bechdel correlation even on Hallmark; "fecundity" ... Rating: 3, benignly and maybe ideally ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Encyclopedia of Pines ... Christmas Beef Lot: Good selection, unorganized by species or height/price tier, silly prices, insane competition, soak it in ice water ... Frankin' a dook ... "Scrooge" reappearance ... Mitchell: Hallmark dick boyfriend taken to unethical levels ... $850,000 to sell coffee on a single block ... Four retirees, $450,000, and an uncle with 4" of bank-billed Benjamins ... Nikki DeLoach, Erin Grey, Twiki ... Real Season 2 Buck Rogers Hours ... Nikki DeLoach Appreciation Station ... VHS softcore in the mall CD store ... Sam Earvin, Acting on Impulse, and: Linda Fiorentino, Nancy Allen, C. Thomas Howell, Adam Ant, Isaac Hayes, etc. ... Four Cassandra Peterson movies, but only one Elvira ... Santico ... Jamarcus Russell, Charlie Weis, and the 2007 All-State Sugar Bowl ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Then He Kissed Me," by The Crystals • "Tri," by Y Niwl • "Trees," by Joyce Kilmer and Oscar Rosbach, performed by Ben Selvin and his Orchestra • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane