090: Why Surrendering isn't Giving Up with Ted Kruse

Previously a pastor. I met Ted at a Rob Bell lecture/seminar. Ted is painting houses now. Grew up in a legalist Christian background. Was a pastor for about 17 years, expresses it was both the best and worst of times. He didn't know how to navigate depression that he'd experienced his whole life. Lisa describes pea soup. Ted needed an escape from his life, became secretive about his sex addiction and finally confessed his actions. "A boulder on my chest that was going to kill me dead." His wife saw two choices before her, and decided to stay with him, the road that led to life, not to darkness and resentment. He was on skype with his counselor and said he wanted to leave his family. She responded, "are you a man who leaves?" - This question saved his life. "why am I?" There are moments in life where we don't know what's going to happen. Even in our darkness, there's little bits of light that shine through- Lisa "Life is a canvas that you just get to keep painting on" - Ted Sometimes we need a huge moment to wake us up, to break us open, to peel back the layers. "God I'm not done with you yet." The issue wasn't staying or going from the marriage. "Christianity has writer's block, they aren't good at embracing mystery." - Ted "I don't believe it's a man, it's all a big giant force that's in the room with me." - Lisa "I am a recovering know it all" - Ted "Embracing the mystery, God has become more big and beautiful" - Ted It's tough to put together the fragments of a 2,000 year old book. "Electricity, love, marriage, keeping the faith is mystery." - Ted "We are all in the mystery, we are all in the same boat" - Ted When God came in, and experience. "Sometimes I don't know if i should tell these stories, because I don't know what they will do to people" - Ted Escape became a very powerful thing, "Wow this is real dumb, I gotta give this up." We think it's love, but it's not love. "Hold on, I'm just a guy, there's no way I could make that feeling happen." Being overcome with feeling while driving. Was shown a vision of Aces, in a poker hand. "Something else was going on here. This was not coming from me, but from out there." Began rubbing his belly. "Hey do you have a stomach ache?" "No, I feel like I have a baby in my belly" And then we all began to pray. They thought I was going to be ill, they began yelling prayers at me, and then I was sick. At the end, I felt as though all of the evil had left me. Physical manifestation of feelings or lessons. "It's not I, but it's sin living in me" Paul, saying, I'm not a sinner, but it's in me. Sin: Being off the path It will manifest within us if we are not being our best selves. It leads to disease. If we are hiding, or lying to ourselves. "when you use a certain language over people it d Sometimes the truth is so scary. We are so scared we're going to die from that truth. "it becomes easier and easier to stick our head in the sand, but you can't breathe anymore" - Lisa Lisa "Prayer is just a pep talk to ourselves" and wrote it off. Then I dated a christian. He was super kind to the world, showed me how to be in service. I was drawn into this by the sex. I knew all of my friends would think I was weird. I've learned that when I do prayer, or meditation, or mantra, it helps my brain stay straight. "Having faith that the world is better than I imagine it to be." "My life is not about me." The line I read in a book that I never read the rest of - Ted "Prayer and worship for me is being grateful and thankful for a force outside myself" - Ted What worship is like, am I in the moment, or is the moment in me. "He's standing there and knows - The world is way bigger than me "I hate to