115. A Controlling mom, or a capable mom?

I was a controlling mom. I turned on the NO switch and said no to my kids, to my husband, to myself. But this need to control everything came from one very specific belief I had about myself: that I was not a capable mom (or a capable person, for the most part) We all like the feeling of being in control, but it can lead us to act in ways we don't like and it cuts us off from developing the skills of feeling capable. Because the more we fight for control, the more reduce the practice and sense of capability in ourselves. A Self-Professed Controlling Mom In this episode, I shared how, two kids in, I was becoming very reliant on CONTROL. I found myself controlling all the people and all the situations because I really didn't feel capable as a mother. I said no to my kids, to my husband, and to myself. And I had everything wound up so tight. For me, the solution to move out of this was turning to my village to help me pull out of my comfort zone, get out of my house and DO stuff with my kids. However, I still noticed that as I said YES more and did more, that I was still looking to control the what and the how and the little details. I really had to unhook myself from the deep belief that "IF I HAVE CONTROL, things will go well and easy - and if I don't have control then I am doing it wrong" Being proactive vs being controlling Making plans and being prepared is so proactive and important. In my home, we have lots of preparation and structure. We have meal plans (see the video in the Facebook group on meal planning tips), weekly rhythms, daily routines, daily plans etc. We rely on these preparations and plans to make our life easier. It is important to be proactive but watch for when it crosses over to being controlling - when we NEED things to go to plan for our sanity. Building up capability We want to feel like we are in control because it makes us FEEL capable. But it doesn’t always actually make us more capable of HANDLING life. This can be the middle ground where plans and control support our lives and help us stay proactive - but we also start building up the skills of feeling and being capable of 'figuring it out'. How we act when we are trying to control When we are in a constant need of control, we start to act in ways we don't really love to be. We are hovering, stressing, nagging, worrying. It becomes really unfun and we are develop a controlling persona What we don't feel capable of handling Something we might not feel capable of handling daily things. Like, broken strollers, kid tantrums, making meals with missing ingredients, etc. But for many of us, it goes deeper. We don't feel capable of handling the discomfort of things like a messy home, conflict with others, relying on others, other people's negative emotions. Letting go of what we CANNOT control So much of this involves turning our attention and stance towards what IS in control. Which is always ourselves. We cannot control others and the climate and the economy and the situations we encounter in life. But we can control how we think about them and how we show up. Feeling more capable When we work on feeling more capable we acknowledge that: we are not in total control of all the circumstances and people we let go of all or nothing thinking and start to see other options on dealing with things we can step into quiet confidence that we can deal with it, whatever it looks like we make room for life to happen we quiet down the stress response in our daily life (as Episode 113 explains, feeling incapable can trigger the stress response) Seeing control and capability through a faith lens This isn't about US being the answer and the plan being The Thing that saves us. It is about having TRUST in something bigger. Where is your trust? For me, that is trust in God that he has got this. I shared a story of how I let go of trying to control my crying baby because I felt the assurance that God's hand was in my parenting and in her life. The Mom on Purpose Bootcamp This two-day bootcamp will lay the foundation that takes you out of the cycle of surviving. We will put pen to paper and develop a plan for what you want intentional motherhood to look like for you in the season ahead. The Mom on Purpose Bootcamp details are right here. Full episode transcript Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. If you are new here, welcome. I am Shawna, I am a cheese lover, a kitchen dancer, a trained life coach. And I recently finished my diploma in cognitive behavioral therapy. But most importantly, I am a mom of three kids living in small town Canada. To just give you the essence of simple on purpose in a nutshell, over six years ago, I learned about decluttering. And I realized I had permission to get rid of this stuff in my house that I didn't want or didn't need or didn't use. And so I went down to my basement of shame, and I decluttered it. And there was a lot of ugly crying, there was a lot of emotion, I was overwhelmed by all of what I was seeing in front of me, because it made me realize how complacent I was with my life. And as I went through that process of going through what I wanted, and getting rid of what I didn't want, I realized, I don't want to be complacent anymore, I want to take action that gets me where I want to go. I want to do all of the things that I just always make excuses for, I want to be healthier, I want to be more calm, I want to be more fun. Ultimately, I felt like I wanted to take responsibility in my life. In my marriage, in my home. In my motherhood, I wanted to live on purpose, simple on purpose. That's where it comes from. And these past few episodes, I've been talking about being a mom on purpose. All of this is on my brain right now. Because I'm preparing the lessons for the mom on purpose boot camp, April 22, and 23rd, which is still open, if you are looking to be really, really intentional in your motherhood, and you want to get the frustration and the resentment and the power struggles out of the way so that you can be intentional in your motherhood, then I hope you will join us for the mom on purpose boot camp. Today I want to talk about control. Because this is one common thing I coach moms on all women and some men control. And I think a lot of us know that we naturally want to be in control. It feels good, it feels necessary even. And I realized my reliance on control and my need for control most when I was two kids in and you've heard me say my first two kids were 16 months apart. My first baby was pretty easy going kind of figured it out along the way. My second, she had reflux, she cried a lot, she would only sleep on me for naps. And they were 20 minute naps. And I was constantly like to my husband, don't leave me alone with these kids. I didn't want to do things were like things with them that would feel out of control. Somehow I didn't want to go on outings with them, like alone or like without my husband, like, my toddler will need snacks and I'll be nursing the baby and then the toddler will be everywhere. And the baby's gonna be crying and like need a nap. And I just felt so overwhelmed by the life I was trying to live that I was trying to do everything How was I going to do it? So I just stopped doing things. I turned on the no switch I call it I turned on the no switch, which most of us turn on for our toddlers, we just get so used to saying no, because they are like engaging with a level of danger that their brain doesn't comprehend yet. But I turned on the no switch, I turned it on to my kids. If something felt like complicated or exhausting, not we're not going to do it. I turned on the no switch to my husband, like, Please don't leave me alone with these kids unless it's nap time and only during nap time. And not that we don't check in with each other on when we can do things on and like support each other and make a plan. But I was just fueled by anxiety. I was also saying no to me, like I wasn't letting myself try things, new hobbies or any hobbies at all. I wouldn't even let myself cook a recipe that felt complicated. So I wouldn't be overwhelmed by the dishes and all of the details because the kids are going to need me. Like I wouldn't do home projects, just so many things I was saying no to. And I really started to develop the sense of this is who I am. I'm not adaptable. - I'm not spontaneous. I need a plan, I need to have two to three business days heads up for anything anyone wants to do. Okay, and I still say this to some of my friends if they want to make a plan for me, I'm like, give me two to three business days. So I am working on this. It shows up less than my parenting though and more in my work life now. But I was in a state where I was controlling everything I had wound us all up so tight. And all of this came from a very specific belief that I had about myself. And it took me a while to see it. And that belief was I didn't think I was capable. I was turning to controlling all of these things because I didn't feel capable. I didn't feel capable of being out with my kids. I wouldn't about in handling them. I didn't feel capable of being alone with them really, I didn't feel capable of parenting well, of handling home and the chores. I just didn't feel capable of it. And for me, that was about eight years ago, because my middle child eight now, and my story looks a lot like really turning to my village. I have great moms in my life. And they were doing stuff with their kids. And thankfully, they took me along for the ride. Despite all of my excuses. They kind of called me out on it, showed up at my door, put a kid in a stroller and got me out. They were the extra hands at the park, when they had a diaper that I forgot to bring. ...