#115 - It's Never About the Messy Kitchen: Therapist Martina Nova on What Couples Are Really Fighting About

In this episode of the State of Mind Mental Health Podcast, I sit down with Martina Nova — therapist, co-parent, mom of two, and author of the new book Same Page Parenting. It's never really about the messy kitchen. For Martina, it was a cheese string wrapper left on the counter. For you it might be the dishes or the boots by the door. The fight is almost never about the object — it's about the need underneath it, and the story each of you carries from long before you met. Martina walks me through what "same page" actually means, and it isn't what most people assume. It doesn't mean agreeing on everything. It means understanding where your partner is coming from, so you stop seeing each other as the problem. She shares that her marriage ended while she was finishing the final edits of a book about staying connected, and what she learned about the quiet that says more than the yelling ever could. We talk about her ADHD diagnosis, and I push back a little on labels and identity — she gives one of the best answers I've heard on why a diagnosis can be an explanation without ever becoming an excuse. We also get into the difference between feelings and behaviour, why repair matters more than getting it right the first time, and why kids benefit from watching their parents work things out. Same Page Parenting has 13 chapters and 39 conversation topics designed to bring therapy-level questions into your living room. Learn more about Martina here: https://www.novacaretherapy.ca/ Her Book: Same Page Parenting Chapters: [00:00:00] Cold open — being on the same page doesn't mean agreeing [00:01:18] Meet Martina Nova: therapist, co-parent, author of Same Page Parenting [00:06:21] The attuned kid: why she became a therapist [00:10:24] How the book started as a list of questions she gave her couples [00:15:13] Writing about connection while her marriage was falling apart [00:20:06] What "same page" actually means — understanding, not agreement [00:25:03] Labels, identity, and the ADHD conversation [00:30:00] Shame, systems, and the cheese string wrapper [00:36:25] Feelings vs. behaviour: the broken dish [00:41:50] Why parental alignment matters most for the kids [00:46:51] Different parents, different rules — the swearing question [00:53:16] Closing: don't stop talking Free 1-month of the Meditation App - Waking Up https://dynamic.wakingup.com/guestpass/SC58BD912 Please Subscribe to my YouTube - YouTube Subscription Link Disclaimer Professional medical care and psychotherapeutic services are not offered on this Youtube channel. It is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is formed. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast is at the user's own risk. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such condition. Seeking professional support is encouraged if you think you have an issue and that you want help.