133. Domestic Abuse: Wisdom From a Survivor, Dr. Lauren Welter

In today’s episode Kate and Betsy interview Dr. Lauren Welter about her personal and professional experience with domestic abuse. Dr. Lauren is a survivor and mental health professional who is helping women navigate this complex topic of domestic abuse. In today’s episode we discuss:     Lauren’s first 10 years and how her natural born leadership got snuffed out early. She shares her traumatic experience of being raped in her senior year in college by two strangers, and how she navigated the trauma.    Her move to New York to work in the fast paced career field of finance, the impact it had on her nervous system, and the lack of women role models in the finance world.    Her pivot into a PhD program for Psychology at University of Iowa, where she found herself again. How meeting her now ex-husband during her last year, led to marriage and living isolated on a farm where she lived very slowly and simply.    How she began seeing signs of limited empathy and the inability of her husband to take responsibility which then escalated, but how there can be deep love and connection even in an abusive relationship causing victim survivors to be more forgiving and empathetic.    The cycle of abuse and how it is very predictable looking back at the patterns.  How victims can’t see the world clearly and filter things out because of biological mechanisms to stay connected despite the pattern of abuse.    How “Why didn’t you leave” is the wrong question. Instead our culture needs to ask “Why is this abuse so pervasive and why do we tolerate it?”    The importance of educating women on the patterns of abuse so we can step outside of them. The amount of violence our society is tolerating and the myths of who is causing the harm and how it cuts across socio-economics, race and vocation.    The isolation that occurs for victims and how over time you lose your voice and self-confidence because your perpetrator is telling you your experience is wrong.    The definition of coercive control that underlies all forms of abuse and how it  is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their every day behavior.    How change has to come on a cultural level so we stop tolerating and minimizing abuse and blaming the victim.    The power of talking to other women and how that shifted things for Dr. Lauren. The confusion and pain that victims experience when they are not believed and supported. What to do if you think you may be experiencing this abuse: Educate you-self safely Look for patterns in your own life (projecting, gas lighting, stonewalling) Continue to step back to make observations and assess your nervous system Talk to people you trust and get support Sponsor: Integrity Life https://www.integritylifehealing.com Thank you Tina McCoy from Integrity Life for your Sponsorship of this podcast episode. Check out her Sound and energy healing practices at https://www.integritylifehealing.com. Resources:   Lauren’s website: https://www.prairiehomewellness.com/lauren-welter-phd https://drlaurenwelter.com/ M3ND Project – amazing FREE resources/education on abusive patterns: https://themendproject.com/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw99e4BhDiARIsAISE7P_ZCum4XiWr0pknLlke4XByU9uXvzKGnTDlncs5IYBLTdz4oWwDqIQaAt4eEALw_wcB Resources on coercive control and effects on/supporting children: https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com/ National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ Expert on Abusive men: https://lundybancroft.com/ Nationally-regarded experts on treating abusive relationships: https://marriagerecoverycenter.com/ Source