# 147 - Authentic Kindness vs. People Pleasing: How to Be Kind Without Losing Yourself

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a subtle but powerful distinction that shapes relationships, burnout, and self-worth: the difference between authentic kindness and people pleasing.On the surface, they can look identical - being helpful, agreeable, and generous. But internally, they come from very different places. Authentic kindness is rooted in choice, alignment, and self-respect. People pleasing is driven by fear, survival, and the nervous system’s need for safety.Together, we unpack:How people pleasing often develops as a trauma-informed survival response (including the fawn response)Why women and trauma survivors are especially conditioned to prioritize others over themselvesThe psychological cost of chronic self-abandonmentPractical litmus tests to tell whether your “yes” is grounded or fear-basedGentle ways to begin setting boundaries without guilt or losing connectionThis episode is an invitation to move toward a kinder, more honest way of relating - one where generosity doesn’t require self-erasure, and boundaries and compassion work together.As always, this episode is for education and reflection, not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you’re in emotional distress, please reach out to a licensed professional or call/text 988 in the U.S. for 24/7 support.References & ResourcesPeople Pleasing, Codependency & TraumaHarriet Braiker, The Disease to Pleasehttps://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60497.The_Disease_to_PleasePsychology Today – The Fawn Responsehttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fight-flight-freezePsych Central – Fawning Trauma Responsehttps://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-responseSelf-CompassionKristin Neff, Self-Compassionhttps://self-compassion.orgFree Self-Compassion Scale & practiceshttps://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-testBoundaries & AssertivenessRobert Alberti & Michael Emmons, Your Perfect Righthttps://www.amazon.com/Your-Perfect-Right-Assertiveness/dp/1891280010Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peacehttps://www.nedratawwab.comAdditional Mental Health SupportU.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988https://988lifeline.orgSocial Media LinksThe Lemon Tree Coaching PodcastInstagram TwitterTeacher Resources (really, for anyone)The Lemon Tree by AKSBox BreathingSmells Like HumansLike listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify