177. Understanding what is motivating you (chasing vs avoiding)

Motivation. It is something we all want more of. However, every day we take little actions and make little choices that are coming from motivation. A motivation to avoid something or a motivation to move towards something. And why does it matter what is motivating us? In this episode: Motivation vs lack of motivation How to know when you are operating from AWAY motviation Spotting the victim mindset or scarcity mindset How to know when you are operating from TOWARDS motivation Motivation and abundance mindset Mentioned in this episode: The group coaching call, Feb 2 2023 The Making Change Challenge, sign up here for the four lessons and worksheets Send me a message on Instagram Share your thoughts with the Facebook group The Enneagram and Motherhood series Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) The not-enough mindset (scarcity and abundance) Full Transcript (unedited) 0:00 Hey friends, welcome back is Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counsellor from simple on purpose.ca. So you might have figured out that this podcast is a biweekly podcast. But last week, I dropped a bonus episode about not knowing what you want in life. And I talked about six reasons why dreaming or thinking of your life on purpose might actually be hard. I wanted to share that episode early so that you could have time to sign up for the group coaching call on February 2, if that's something you're interested in, I'll link info on that in the show notes. And essentially, that call is a time where you can bring the work you want to do with intentional living this year. And I'll answer any of your questions and also bring people on live for coaching. In the past, I've run group programs, I used to run the life on purpose Academy, back in 2020, and then ran a couple group programs in 2021, I took a little bit of a break. And now I'm thinking of unique and different ways to bring that group coaching aspect back into things. Because in my own experience of being part of group programs is just listening to other people just hearing their questions answered, you get so much value, even though it might not be the exact same issue. Just the themes are relevant, and the approaches can be applied in so many different ways. So I find a lot of value in those. Also, I just really love hanging out with you guys. I love that community aspect. I'm always looking for ways to encourage community amongst you, listeners and blog readers. So I'll link that in the show notes. If you're interested. I wanted to follow that up with one more episode of ideas and approaches to help you be really mindful about the future that you're creating. So I wanted to share on the topic of motivation, because motivation is kind of like how do you feel with that word? How does your body feel? Motivation is something we're always trying to get. Because we know how we act when we feel motivated. When we feel motivated, we get things done. So our approach to getting things done is to find motivation, manufacture motivation, harness motivation. But as the wonderful Mel Robbins has taught us, you won't always feel like it. And if you listen to how you feel when it comes to what you want, you will not get it, because you won't always feel like it. So I'm going to share today a portion of some training that I've done on two types of motivation that is towards motivation and away motivation. And this is from the making change challenge that I released this time three years ago. And it is a series of four audio lessons and worksheets that I walk you through. It's a free challenge. So I'll link that in the show notes if that's something you're interested in signing up for and using. So we're gonna listen to this brief training on motivation. And I really want you to pay attention as you're listening to understanding what is motivating you right now. What is motivating how you show up and the things you chase in your life. Knowing this can help you know where you're ready to make a shift. All right, here it is. 3:16 Hey, friends, I'm glad you're back for Lesson four of the making change challenge. So this is the final lesson. And in this challenge, we have covered Getting Started how a fixed mindset can hold you back. And then we've talked about taking the next step and knowing where you actually have the ability to change things. What are you actually in control of changing the last lesson we talked about breaking down your goals and habits into doable chunks. And now I want to talk about the feeling that you are in action, you are making change things are happening. And you might feel really ready from all of this information to take action. You're looking at your life in a new way you're looking at yourself in a new way. And whenever we feel motivated, it is a fantastic feeling. But often are motivated feelings don't come at the most convenient time like Is anyone else a genius in the shower. I usually have this quiet moment where I solve my problems or have this like a ha moment. And I have to run out of the shower dripping wet and just like start typing into my computer to unload it from my brain. And as we've covered in the first lessons, our actions are prompted by our feelings. And when we feel motivated, then we take action in line with these feelings. When we don't feel motivated. We take action in line with this lack of motivation which usually means no action or ineffective action. unless we are willing to use willpower to override this but we all know how far willpower gets us not very far. And then remember that our thoughts produce our feelings. So the thoughts we think are actually what truly motivate us or demotivate us. But how often do we stop and investigate our thoughts to see if we are being motivated in really healthy and life giving ways? Maybe this is the first time that you We're considering the possibility that you can be motivated in an unhealthy way. So, I want to let you know about these two main types of motivation which motivation is actually that internal dialogue we have that is prompting us to act. So the two types of motivation are away and towards, also called avoidant and approach and sometimes even called negative and positive, the avoidant or away motivation is when you are motivated by the desire to avoid to move away from pain or conflict or discomfort, you are taking action as a way to avoid, prevent or repair, conflict and discomfort. It can take a lot of forms, and it can also be very subtle to over the years, I have experienced this type of motivation a lot in my parenting, where I am motivated by the anxiety of things going wrong, or the desire to just make the noise stop or to just get a break. My actions had constantly been an effort to fix the chaos or to prevent the chaos. And if you are familiar with the Enneagram, and I'll link it in the lesson plan. This is very common to the type nine which I am. The thing is I'm not usually very much fun when I'm in this mode. And often I'll look to my husband Connor to talk me down and step in. Because I don't want to be motivated by anxiety, it doesn't feel good. I want to be motivated by enjoyment and presence. That's the way I want to parent. When we are operating from away motivation. It doesn't feel good. It feels like putting out fires or hustling it feels exhausting. And we often burn out from it. This is because we are operating from the stress response part of our brain, the part of our brain, the amygdala that sends as possible danger, and it wants us to fight flight or freeze. It is taking over operation and releasing stress hormones to prompt us into action. To know if you are operating in the away motivation. Pay attention to how you feel when you are in action. Is there a victim mentality? Do you feel stressed? Do you feel like everyone is getting in your way or like nobody is supporting you? This is because we are operating with the mindset that says we have to do these things or we should carry out these tasks. And it takes away our ownership and control of the situation. It puts us in the victim mode, negative self talk, listen to yourself talk. Are you shaming yourself or berating yourself, your inner dialogue can be really detrimental to you ever making lasting change when you are using guilt, shame or fear to motivate you. And the hard part here is that those are powerful motivators. And sometimes they are even necessary or useful. Like when we have actually wronged someone and want to fix it. Or when there is like real actual danger, we should address that. But when we misuse them, then they are a trap of perpetual crappy feelings, poor self image, and they keep us in a state of being reactive to our life instead of being proactive with our life. And the third marker is the scarcity mindset. If you sit back and watch your thoughts, do you have a scarcity mindset? And to recap, if you haven't heard this before, the scarcity mindset says that there isn't enough time there isn't enough friends, there is enough energy there isn't enough. I am not enough, I don't have enough, I don't know enough, etc, etc. and I'll link in the lesson notes, a podcast episode that explains this with more detail. On the flip side, there is towards motivation. This is the motivation that allows you to move closer to the things you value, enjoy and desire. You are moving towards the positive things you crave. This is why I always encourage women to outline their values and their vision, because they need to know where they want to go and how they want to show up in order to use the positive motivation that will move us towards this. And if you want help with that I'll link the life on purpose workbook. Or the free worksheets you can use either one to help you with this towards motivation is empowering. Because it is tied to thoughts like I get to do this, I want to do this,...