# 184 - When Kindness Makes You Feel Small

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today. What happens when kindness helps, but somehow leaves you feeling smaller? In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores the complicated psychology of pity, empathy, compassion, and genuine kindness. We look at why pity isn’t necessarily cruel, how it can motivate helping behavior, and why even well-intentioned support can become uncomfortable when it carries assumptions about weakness, helplessness, or inferiority. Through research on prosocial behavior, attribution, dignity, and power dynamics, we ask an important question: Can someone be nice to you without truly respecting you? Meaningful kindness isn’t simply about what we do for another person. Sometimes, it’s about whether we meet them from above—or stand beside them. Follow the road inward. 🌿 References & Resources Davis, M. H. (1983). The effects of dispositional empathy on emotional reactions and helping: A multidimensional approach. *Journal of Personality, 51*(2), 167–184. Elliott, M., & Ragsdale, J. M. (2026). Pity versus empathy: Emotional responses to mental illness and their effects on stigma. *Society and Mental Health*. Advance online publication. Geller, J. D. (2006). Pity, suffering, and psychotherapy. *American Journal of Psychotherapy, 60*(2), 187–205. Gerdes, K. E. (2011). Empathy, sympathy, and pity: 21st-century definitions and implications for practice and research. *Journal of Social Service Research, 37*(3), 230–241. Goetz, J. L., Keltner, D., & Simon-Thomas, E. (2010). Compassion: An evolutionary analysis and empirical review. *Psychological Bulletin, 136*(3), 351–374. Sinclair, S., Beamer, K., Hack, T. F., McClement, S., Raffin Bouchal, S., Chochinov, H. M., & Hagen, N. A. (2017). Sympathy, empathy, and compassion: A grounded theory study of palliative care patients' understandings, experiences, and preferences. *Palliative Medicine, 31*(5), 437–447. Schmidt, G., & Weiner, B. (1988). An attribution-affect-action theory of behavior: Replications of judgments of help-giving. *Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 14*(3), 610–621. Resources for Further Exploration **Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley** — resources on compassion, empathy, prosocial behavior, and connection. **Center for Mindful Self-Compassion** — resources based on the work of Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. **988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline** — If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis, call or text **988** in the United States. *This podcast is for educational and informational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental-health care, diagnosis, or treatment.*