19: Self-Limiting Beliefs

Last episode, I've talked about  ways we can identify and crush our barriers and I mentioned self-limiting beliefs. And Sometimes, we just need to get out of our own way as Jay Stolar taught us. Today, I’d like to dive deep into self-limiting beliefs. Why?   Because I’m having them right now and something tells me you might too.    Sometimes whenever I have self-limiting beliefs, I like to think back to my childhood.   I mean, heck, everything in the books says I should be a failure.   I’m adopted. Was raised in a poor family with parents who didn’t go college.  And had an alcoholic as a father.    When I look at Maslow’s hierarchy of self-actualization, it makes little sense why I’ve been able to get to where I am today.   Apparently, the research says adopted kids typically end up in jail or really struggle to make something of themselves. They also tend to have bizarre personalities due to attachment or abandonment issues. For instance, that’s why adopted kids like Steve Jobs of Apple Computers and Larry Ellison of Oracle have been known to be a bit strange.   And, yes, I totally understand that I just suggested that I might too be very strange. And if that’s true, I’m okay with that.    I also grew up with an alcoholic father in a poor family who always struggled to pay the bills.   I never really thought much about my background and didn’t think my childhood was any different from everyone else’s.    Then, I started to study developmental psychology in college and started teaching. And, as a teacher, I really got to see personally that the research tends to be true.   Children who come from balanced and loving families tend to be better students. There’s less behavior issues and students’ grades tend me to better.   These students tend to be top performers.    And I mean, it makes sense. If as a child you need to worry about how you’re going to get dinner tonight, or if your parents are always away at work or you need to work to help pay the bills.   Or as a teenager you need to pay for your own apartment (as I’ve had many students who’ve had to) it only makes sense that you’d have a bit of a problem with authority along with being unable to concentrate on studies.   The choice between what to focus on is pretty clear when you have to choose between doing your algebra homework or making enough money to buy pizza for the family.    This is where Maslow’s Hierarchy comes in. Abraham Maslow believed in something that we now call Maslow’s Hierarchy.   You may have read it or heard about it in John Green’s book, The Fault in Our Stars.   It’s basically a pyramid where to get to the top you need to develop the things on the bottom.    If you don’t have the things in the bottom, it’s difficult or nearly impossible to get to the top.    For example, if you don’t have food, shelter, and water, it’s very difficult to focus on or even care about things like morality or philosophy.    Maslow argued that for a person to reach his/her potential, the base line needs need to be met before one can move on to their greatest potential.    Let’s go through them really quickly and just ask yourself if your needs are met in these areas.   Answering and reflecting on these questions will help you reach the greatest version of yourself, or what Maslow called self-actualization.    1. Are your physiological needs met? Can you breath, eat, sleep and have access to food on a regular basis?    If yes, then move up.    2. On to Safety. Do you have to worry about money or do you not have a safe place to live?     If yes, then move up.   3. Are you loved? Do you feel like you belong?   If yes, then move up.   4. Do you feel confident in yourself? Are you confident in yourself?    If yes, then move up.    If you said yes to all of these things, then you are in the realm of self-actualization. This doesn’t mean that you’ve made your millions of dollars yet or have had the impact you want to have in your work yet. It just means that you are able to work on being the best version of yourself.    Here you question and identify your values, morals, have developed empathy for others even if you disagree with them.    What happens often though is that before becoming our greatest selves, we get stopped at the second last stage. Our confidence is shaken by self-limiting beliefs.    What are self- limiting beliefs?    - Thinking you don’t have the right degree to do X. Perhaps you’re thinking of getting another degree right now to build your confidence?  - Feeling you don’t have enough experience - Feeling like an imposter? (I’ll talk more about imposter syndrome on another episode) - That you’re just not good enough - That because you were born into a poor family, you can’t compete with someone who grew up in wealth and had private schooling - I’m too fat (talk about being 4% body fat and feeling like crap) - The list goes on   Sometimes, to overcome these self-limiting beliefs, all it takes is calling them out and recognizing them. Then, just say, no thank you. And move onward.   Just know that pretty much everyone has self-limiting beliefs.   Right now, for instance, I’m feeling a bit of imposter syndrome.    I mean, here I am… the guy behind Your Life on Purpose and sharing what I’ve learned with others about connecting the dots between school, your passion, and what the words needs.   And I definitely don’t have it all together. I’m no one where near perfect. I have tremendous flaws.   I have a master’s degree, but no doctorate degree.   I have made some money as an entrepreneur, but I’ve never made enough to live full-time as an entrepreneur (yet, at least).    I write for The Huffington Post and have self-published a couple books, but I’ve never had a NYT best-seller.    And my own personal list of self-limiting beliefs go on and on.     When self-limiting beliefs start to run their way with you, you may be in what Jeff Goins calls the In-Between. That space where you are creating something remarkable in a transition in your life. It’s probably stressful, but you’re living more fully.   Enter Jeff   So, what about you? When you go throughout your day today, notice if you ever talk yourself out of something. Maybe you want to speak up at a meeting and don’t because you don’t want to sound stupid. Maybe you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see. Maybe you sit down to create something and don’t feel it’s good enough.      Just know that this is normal and focus more on creating and less on stopping.