26: The Role Grief Plays in Marriage (or Remarriage)

Welcome back to the Love How Deep podcast.  Today we have a very special guest.  Her name is Heather Hetchler and she is a Reframing Relationships expert, author, speaker and joy seeker. She helps women reframe difficult relationships and situations and reclaim their peace. Heather primarily works with women and couples in co-parenting, stepfamilies and empty nesting. Heather is passionate about educating, empowering and encouraging women to live life loved in Christ.  She and her husband reside in Cleveland having launched their six kids. Today we will be talking to Heather about working through the Grief that everyone in a blended family experiences due to the losses they don't anticipate. On the show you will hear more about the following from Heather:  1. The Role of Grief:  Heather talks about the light bulb moment when we (she) realized the role grief played in her blended family. 2. More About The Role of Grief and Loss in a Blended Family:    Heather talks about the role loss and grief plays in a stepfamily and most importantly a stepcouple. Before a stepfamly can form, there is loss. Either a death, divorce or unpartnering must occur for two families to come together and where there is loss there must be grieving. Too often, couples come together with love, joy and hope and a strong faith and when they are hit with struggles - they question the marriage instead of recognizing the role of grief. Plays for them and the kids and extended family members.     3. Some Common Challenges Blended Families Have in this Area: We often think of grief in terms of losing a person. Grief is loss and it can be the loss of a dream. Two people marry with their love goggles on and don't see the role that grief plays. Talk about the loss of "full"authority of a stepparent, loss of "control" over your home because what happens in the other home impacts yours. The loss kids navigate having to share a parent, a home, etc… Loss of being the "first" and so much more…. When we can view hurtful behavior through the lens of loss we can often have compassion for the other. It also opens the window to better view another person and situations through God's lens.  4.  Practical Tips - The 4 P's.    Heather walks you through the steps.  Pause, Prayer, Process. Proceed. This involves identifying your patterns of pain, looking at the loss in the story.  This can help you learn to honor your feelings while responding to the hurt instead of reacting in it. 5.  What is the most important thing(s) you want the listener to get from what we are talking about? Identifying the grief and understanding some of the complex dynamics will help each spouse better understand that it's not personal. Anchoring in your faith, reminding yourself that your spouse is not your enemy and gaining knowledge and encouragement goes a long way. It's normal for a stepfamily to have grief and you can navigate it well.  6.      What about your Christian faith and walk with God (or Bible passage, scriptures, or story), etc has the biggest impact on you and what we are talking about.  Heather shares a deep and personal moment where God met her where she was and promised to preserve she and her family. Listen into this story and think about how this applies to you and your marriage and family. 7.      Share with our listeners what resources that you have produced that would be most helpful for them and how can they get them? I have a small group program for stepmoms. It's a six week commitment with other women. I offer a digital course called the CORE workout and this helps individuals and couples identify the why behind the stuck. I have a whole offering of courses, a devotional and limited life coaching one-on-one.  8. How can our listener best get in touch with you? You can call me at 1-855-STEPPARENT. You can email me at [email protected]. Or go to my website www.reframingrelationships.com and if you want daily tips and tools be sure to follow me on instagram @reframingrelationships