28. ADHD and Friendship: Why You Can't Send the Text (Even to People You Like)

There's a mum at pickup you really like. Ninety seconds every afternoon, one of those chats where you both go 'yeah, exactly' — and then the kids spill out, someone's swinging a backpack like a helicopter, someone's demanding the petrol station, and you're pulled away before you can even say goodbye. And every day you get back to the car thinking: I should have her over. We should do a barbecue. I'd love to actually talk to her for more than ninety seconds.You got her number in January. It's the end of July. And you've made no progress at all. You've probably already filed that as proof you're flaky, cold, a bad friend. This episode is Jane taking that story apart — because the silence between you and someone you genuinely like usually isn't 'I don't want this.' It's 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with.'CHAPTERS00:00 — Nat, the 90-second pickup chat, and the barbecue that never happens02:29 — Got her number in January. It's July. No progress.03:57 — 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' — the personality we build around it05:33 — The executive-function tax on turning a pickup mum into a real friend06:36 — It's not that you need to try harder. It might be the fuel tank.07:13 — The mum with the same life who still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue08:36 — Good girl conditioning: when friendship becomes your job to carry10:45 — When you can't stand the silence — and what your brain files it as12:09 — Why a late-diagnosed brain has had decades to build 'I ruin friendships'14:31 — The flicker of energy, and the threat analysis that kills the text15:54 — The heart-react as a hostage 'proof of life' photo17:35 — Moving to acreage, and quietly deleting myself18:43 — 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with'20:16 — Why 'just put yourself out there' aims you straight at burnout22:11 — What actually works: the low-fuel, no-apology text23:42 — Drop the bar. Plug a friend into the worst 40 minutes of your week.26:28 — Maybe the skill isn't the barbecue. It's letting friendship be uneven.WHAT WE COVERThe pickup mum you really like, the barbecue you keep meaning to have, and the seven months that have quietly gone byWhy 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' becomes a personality — and what it's actually covering forThe hidden executive-function tax on turning a mum you like into a mum who's actually your friend: remembering, initiating, holding the plan, pushing through the 'what if it's awkward'Why the friend with the same number of kids and the same Saturday sport still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue — and why it's not that she's better at friendshipGood girl conditioning, and what happens when you learned early that friendship is your job to carry, keep alive, and never dropThe other version — when you can't stand the silence, and your brain files 'haven't heard from them in ages' as dangerThe flicker of energy to send the text, and the threat analysis your brain runs to talk you out of itThe heart-react on her story as a 'hostage proof of life' photo — I'm here, I'm fine, please don't give up on meWhy 'put yourself out there, just make more effort, have them over' is telling you to spend the exact thing you've run out ofWhat actually works with an empty tank: the low-fuel, no-apology text, dropping the bar, and letting the friendship be uneven and survive anywayFREE RESOURCESEnergy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — budget your energy for your real capacity, not what you think you should be doing — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Household Family Meeting Template — for the load underneath 'there are no leftovers' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/PAID RESOURCESADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/RELATED EPISODESSchool Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy — S2 EP65, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-65-school-pick-up-can-be-draining-how-to-stop-overthinking-save-your-social-energy/QUICK RESET: I Cancel Plans Because I Don't Have the Energy to Fake My Personality — S3 EP14, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox