3 secrets to managing emotions

Our 4-year-old is an adorable little girl holding her own in a household of 8 kids and two adults.  She is also a tiny human who I find fascinating to watch because she is an open book of emotions.  When she is sad she lets us know.  When she is happy, she wants to share that. When she is excited it shows on her face and in her voice.  The other day, Darcy was with her and she became upset that she wasn’t going to be able to get to play with her friends, having thought that was an option.  As she started to cry, Darcy just noticed out loud for her, “you must be frustrated, how does that feel? Do you want to take some breaths and come play with us when you are ready?” then went back to what she was doing.  In the way that only a 4-year-old who is both super cute and highly articulate can, she cried for a moment or two longer, took her breaths, and came back to the fun while explaining how she had taken her breaths and was ready to play again. Without realizing it, Darcy and our four-year-old did exactly the only thing that we can really do when it comes to dealing with our emotions. In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching we call this dropping anchor.  It is one of the most effective ways that we can deal with our unwanted or unpleasant emotions, thoughts, feelings or sensations and, quite accidentally, one of the key skills we have taught our little girl.  Dropping anchor is a simple process and it is a component of the three secrets to managing emotions around any subject.  One of the biggest reasons people choose pornography is because it is a way to take control of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Let me tell you what I mean by that.  If you are lonely, for example, because you’re on a business trip and your mind is offering you thoughts like, “you might as well just look at porn because you know it’s inevitable.” One of the ways that many people try to manage that, or get it to go away is either to fight with it until their willpower runs out or give into it.  I’ve talked about willpower in episodes 38 and 134 which I will link to in the show notes.Suffice it to say that willpower won’t get you all the way there and giving in will make it so that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy that will repeat itself forever until you learn the skills you need to stop.  We do a deep dive into this in the membership and in individual coaching, which you can sign up for at zachspafford.com. But what I want you to focus on here are the three secrets to managing your emotions.  So, imagine you are there in that hotel room or wherever, you can use a situation where you have given into pornography.  In that moment with our 4-year-old, you can see the three secrets that you need to manage your emotions any time, anywhere. Become familiar with your emotionsLearn how to diffuse from those feelingsPractice your newfound skills dailyI’ll teach you what each of these are and what they mean here, and if you want to learn more, I have a free Masterclass that you can come to tomorrow night at 830 Mountain time.  All you have to do is go to zachspafford.com/freecallBecome familiar with your emotions - create a vocabulary and seek to notice and describe your experience. Start by learning about different emotions that exist. Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the heart described a research project where she asked people to describe their emotions.  Most people only had 3 emotions. This lack of understanding is keeping us