37. Strengthening Relationship Patterns Through Disruption and Repair

In today’s episode, Brenda explores how relationships—whether with clients in our professional lives or in our personal lives—are strengthened not by perfection, but by disruption and repair. Drawing from Beebe and Lachmann’s 1994 paper, she explains how the concept of a "good enough therapist" and the ability to repair mistakes is essential in building trust and deepening connections. Beebe and Lachmann’s paper identifies three core principles that enhance relationships: ongoing regulations, disruption and repair, and heightened affective moments. Their work shows that there’s no such thing as a perfect bond. What leads to success in therapy is how we act throughout the process, including handling moments of disruption and repair that enhance the connection afterward. Brenda shares a personal story from her podcasting experience. She made a mistake by using the wrong term for a facial feature when she first introduced the concept in some early episodes, which could have led to a loss of trust with her listeners. However, instead of letting the disruption define the situation, she realized it as an opportunity to repair the relationship and reestablish trust with her audience—an important reminder for therapists too. This aligns with Beebe and Lachmann principles which emphasize that disruptions aren’t something to fear. Rather, repairing them is what strengthens the bond in the course of the relationship. Their work also highlights heightened affective moments—unexpected events that challenge the usual pattern. These moments, while uncomfortable, can deepen the connection if handled with care. Brenda’s experience demonstrates how, like with clients, it’s not about avoiding mistakes but embracing them as opportunities to rebuild trust. Both in therapy and in our personal lives, synchrony—the ongoing effort to connect and reconnect after disruption—is what fosters stronger, more trusting relationships. References: Beebe, B., & Lachmann, F. M. (1994). Representation and Internalization in Infancy: Three Principles of Salience. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 11(2), 127–165.  Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life. Holt. D.W. Winnicott’s idea of “good enough” in Playing and Reality. (1971, Penguin).