432: Are You Open to Receiving?

Betsy is back from Belize and back to giving us the advice we can all learn from. In this episode, she wants us to remember that our value is our presence, not our usefulness. Are you doing the work for you and for everyone else? Leaning back doesn’t have to mean becoming less, it allows others to show up more. Give it a try in your life and you might get pleasantly surprised. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I have been missing for a couple weeks. We went to Belize for our retreat, and it was … Oh, my God, it was so great. I, I wish you could have been there. It was this group of people that came together. Some of them had worked with me, but most of them hadn’t. But everybody got along. I- it was insane how awesome it was. It was girlhood, you know? We played in the pool. We did some work on ourselves. We d- you know, had drinks by the moonlight. I mean, it was just such a great, great trip. It, it was so fascinating to me how everybody just bonded, you know? And I think that’s just, … I, I always say, , I attract the best women. Beautiful women, too. But I attract the best women. And so everybody just meshed. A, a, lot of people extended their trip. They had an extra day, and then some people changed their plane flight so that they could stay, and it was just amazing. And I’m so happy that we did that trip, and I’m gonna plan another one. I got a couple things that I’m working on that I’m gonna finalize today. Hopefully today is the day. But I would really like to do something in January, so be on the lookout for that, because you won’t wanna miss it. Just the coming together, and it was like we’d all known each other for 20 years, you know, and it was like our annual girls’ trip. I know that for me, I expanded so much, and I felt so great, and so it definitely made me realize that, , live events, it’s so important, I think, for us to get together live and to have that experience together. So anyway, what I wanted to talk to you today about, though, is I kinda have a, a short little thought, an idea, experiment that I have been running. You know, it’s interesting, because, , in the last episode, I talked about how I had started dating, and I don’t, I’m not gonna be coming in here talking about dating every time. I, have to tell you that I resisted it for a long time, and what I’m recognizing is how much I have learned about myself in the last couple months of doing this, and how much I have grown, really, and how much I was able to notice old patterns and actually shift so that I know I have healed, because I noticed it and was able to move out of it. And so there’s a little lesson in here that I have learned that I think might be helpful for you, and so that’s what I wanted to kinda share today. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that I- tend to say that relationships are a mirror, right? Every single one. Our friendships, our, coworkers, with our kids, you know, with the lady who does your hair, like the person that you’re standing next to in line. All of this is a mirror about how we actually feel about ourselves, and we can learn a lot about ourselves from any one of those experiences. You know, I, I think some mirrors show us things that other mirrors couldn’t show us. And so I think that’s why this experiment has been so important for me on my journey. And you know, I, I have been coaching for years. I mean, 2012. A long time. And I have done the work. I know myself very well. And I noticed when I started dating that there was this pattern that was sort of, I don’t know. I- if you had asked me, “Do you have that pattern?” I would say, “No, I can do, I can do it. It’s n- I’m fine. I’m fine.” But what I recognized was that that pattern was so much in the middle of who I was that I actually couldn’t see it until I had the mirror to show me. , And so I’m gonna talk a little bit about that, because I think that every relationship that I had was old enough that the pattern was, like, already kind of baked in. And so, you know, like when you walk into your living room, like you don’t notice the furniture ’cause it’s just been there. But dating put me in like a brand new living room. You know what I mean? With people who knew nothing about me, , no history, no established roles. Like nobody had an expectation of me that was already in, in place. And I think that created this like blank space. And I watched myself do something within, you know, the first 24 hours of finding somebody, that I liked. Now- I’m, I wanna say, I’m gonna say I liked loosely… I, I, I liked everybody is my point. I liked everybody. I, met some really, really nice people. But here’s what happened, is that I over-functioned. I think that’s the easiest way to say it. I met somebody, and I immediately started doing the work of the relationship. , I would carry the conversation, I would ask really good questions. I kept saying, “Everybody’s so nice, I could talk to them for hours. And then I was like, wait, maybe that’s me. Maybe that’s me. , Not that they’re not nice, not that they can’t hold a conversation, it just made me realize maybe there’s something I’m doing here that is over-capacitating to, , an extent. You know? I, I found, , if something got awkward or if I noticed something made somebody uncomfortable, , I would immediately kind of smooth it over. I, I would handle everything. I would suggest a plan when there wasn’t a plan. , I would explain myself so thoroughly, I would over-explain what I meant or what I was trying to say so there wouldn’t be any confusion. And what I noticed was that I was doing my half, right, my half of the relationship, and I did that really fast and I did it really well because I’m good at it, but then I also did his half. And I think that there was this part where I felt like I had a connection with somebody, but looking back now, I realize that it was just me, , over-capacitating the whole thing. Like, when I look back at this, , I’m gonna use the word relationship, but we’re gonna air quote that. , I went out with somebody, , I don’t know, five or six times, and I realized I was doing my half and his half. And that I built that whole thing. I have no idea what that guy would have built with me because I never left him any room to build anything with me. I would reach out. I would suggest things. And so here’s what I wanna do, is I think I wanna sort of name this thing because I think a lot of you are gonna recognize yourself in this. You know, I, I am very good at walking into somebody’s complicated situation, understanding it, finding a solution for things, and making it better. , That is real. That is my gift. I can… It’s almost like a cosmic thing. When somebody explains to me what’s going on with them, I feel like I’m hovering above it, and I can see the, all the levers. And so if somebody hands me a mess with a lot of moving parts and a lot of feeling attached to it, I can sort it out. I can see what actually is going on. I, have built a business on this, right? But somewhere, a long time ago, I think I must have decided that that was my value. Not like one of my qualities, but that was my value. , That was the reason someone would want me around, like the, the price of my cocktail or whatever And I think once you believe that, you carry it into every living room you walk into, right? Every situation that you find yourself in. And so I would walk in kind of scanning for how I could be of value. And you find the thing that you can be useful for, and then you get to work because you know being useful is how you have always understood that you belonged in that room. And I have been doing that for, like, my whole life and calling it, like, being a good person, I think. I have really evaluated, what does it mean to be a good person? And, you know I, I think I am a good person. I think I am generous. I’m not gonna, you know, pretend that I’m not or not want to be. But I recognized in this interaction with this person that some of this was a bid. Some of it was me t- trying to buy my way in to closeness with someone. And, and the problem with buying your way in… And you may be looking at your marriage or relationship with people at work or whatever and go, “Oh my God, I do this. , I over-capacitate in order to feel like I’m enough to be in this situation.” And, , so I think that the problem with that is simply that , if you get close to people by being useful, you can never stop being useful. You have to continue to earn that spot, and you have to stay necessary, and that is not being close with someone in a relationship. That’s a job, and I don’t want to have a job with the people that love me. And so I recognized… And like I said, I went out on a bunch of different dates with a bunch of different people, and then I went out with one person, , I don’t know, four or five times. Couple weeks. It was just a couple weeks. And I noticed that I was doing this. And so as I was learning about other people and going out with other people, I started doing something a little bit different. And I wanna describe this ’cause I wanna be really careful about how I say it And because the shift was important, but there- it’s also nuanced, right? So I did not show up as being less, okay? So I’m not saying, , you need to dummy yourself down, or if you have a superpower, just keep that hidden. I’m not saying withhold your superpowers from people you love, . And I’m not saying that I wanted to pretend to be less, less interested in people than I was. I- and I’m, and I wasn’t trying to make anybody chase me., I’m 55 years old. I, I didn’t have the energy for some big strategy. But I wanted to lean back, and I wanted to do my part and stop. So I am still funny. I’m still warm. , I will still point out the thing that nobody else will say. I can still be generous when I feel like being generous. But I don’t need to m- make myself less capable, but I need to stop automatically spending all of my capacity. Does that make sense? So I don’t need to make myself less capable. I need to stop automatically spending all of my capacity. The capacity stays. I just stopped spending it before anyone asked. I just stopped spending it as a deposit to be wanted. So this is what it kinda looked like in practice. In practice, it looks like leaving when it’s time to leave. If I don’t make the plan, does he make the plan? If I don’t carry the conversation, like every message back and forth, I didn’t have to ask a question. I didn’t have to… I could just say… I could just answer what they asked me and give them enough information that they could keep the conversation going. I- I didn’t wanna explain myself. I just said, “This is what it is,” and then I let them see if they leaned forward. Do they get curious? Do they ask me about themselves? If I don’t smooth over an awkward moment, what do they do? Can he sit in an uncomfortable thing for a few seconds like a grown man? If I don’t tell him, this was the big one. One man asked me, “Well, what is it you’re looking for?” And I, I said, “Clarify what you mean.” And he said, “Well,, what kinds of things do you like?” And I said, “I am l- liking learning about who you are and how you show up. I’m not gonna tell you exactly how I wanna be treated. I wanna see how you would treat me, and then we’ll know if it’s a match And, , I’m not gonna tell some man that I need you to open the door for me, but I’m gonna choose the one that does it. I’m not gonna tell you that, “Hey, yeah, great, let’s go out. I need you to plan everything.” I’m just gonna choose the man that plans everything. I’m not gonna say, “You need to tell, that I look pretty. Don’t you think I look pretty?” I know this is so silly. Tell me I’m pretty and feed me. But I, I… This person I went out with, like, five times or whatever could- never said anything, like, complimentary to me, and I realized I needed that. And so I’m not gonna tell you that I need that. In the beginning, I’m trying to figure out if you’re the right match, but I’m gonna just notice, and I’m gonna pick the one that does tell me. So I think that leaning back let me learn more about people and who I wanted to invest my energy into, and made me realize that spending time with me… Now, this one’s crazy. If you are an over-capacitator like me, what I’m about to say is gonna make you so uncomfortable, but that me just being- spending time with you, was the payment. D- do you know what I mean? , That was enough. , I am joyful, and fun, and curious, and I don’t have to fix your problem. I don’t have to pay for the drink or plan the date. I can show up, and that is my value, is me, is my presence. You get to spend time with me. This shift is so insane. Even as I’m saying it, I’m like, that feels weird. What’s your value? , It can’t possibly just be that you just be you. But yeah, it can, ’cause the right person will be delighted in that. I have a man that I’m going out with, , the third time, and I’m, I’m not over-capacitating. I’m letting him show up, and he is. There’s another guy I’m going out with for a second time. I’m not over-capacitating. He’s showing up. He’s consistent. They’re messaging me every day. One of them said, “I don’t want you to worry your pretty little head about it. I’ll take care of it.” I said, “Yes, sir. I will just lean back.” And I think that this is a really hard thing for women who are accomplished. I think it’s a really hard thing for women who have been taught that their value is serving others and taking care of everything. So I think this is the thing that I, want you to hear, ’cause I really didn’t expect this, is that when I left empty space, men filled it. Not all of them. Some of them left it empty right back, and that was really useful information, and then I moved on without any drama about it. Unmatch. Some of them stepped in, made the plan, made the reservation, followed up when they said they would, noticed something that I mentioned once, some little small thing, and remembered it, took care of things, wanted to take care of things. And, you know, at first this felt really uncomfortable. , What do I do? , Should I offer something? Should I make this easier for him? Should I pay the bill? Should I say something, I don’t know, magical? I don’t know. Should I try to fix something? But nothing. That was the answer. Nothing. You do nothing. , You say thank you, and you enjoy it. And there are men out there this whole time who wanted to take care of things, and I just never gave anybody the chance, because I was already doing it long before they ever even got there. I wasn’t attracting the wrong people, but I was crowding out the right people. And I don’t think that our world teaches women necessarily how to receive. , We get taught, how to give until it, it is painful, and then we call that, , a vow or you know, loving. We get taught to be the capable one. We get a ton of praise for it. People tell you, “You’re so strong. You’re amazing. I don’t know how you do it.” And that’s good for, , you know, I don’t know, 10 years. Then, then all of a sudden you recognize that receiving is its own skill, and that most of us are really terrible at it. I mean, watch yourself next time someone gives you something, even, , a compliment. “Oh, gosh, no. Oh, this old thing?” Right? “Oh my God, I have so many wrinkles. No, God, that don’t even… I need a haircut. My nails, oh, thanks, but God, they… I gotta get them done.” Right? A compliment, a favor, dinner, help with something that you didn’t ask for help with. , Do you deflect? Do you immediately balance the books? Do you say, “Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” or do you start planning how you’re gonna pay it back before they even finished doing what they were doing? I don’t think it’s being humble. I think that’s discomfort. I think receiving makes us feel like we owe, and owing feels dangerous. And so we wanna,, clear up that imbalance immediately, and then get back to a safe ground where we’re the giver, and I think that gives us a sense of control. So what if you just sat in it? , Just for a second, just let it be uncomfortable and don’t fix it. I found this was so difficult until it wasn’t., At first I was like, “Oh, you don’t have to open the car door.” The guy, , you know, shut the car off, ran around the car door. , You don’t have to do that. But, but you can. But you can, and I found that nice and charming. And then soon I found I was able to really lean back and let people show up, and they’re showing up in a totally different way than I have ever experienced before. It wasn’t because there weren’t men around me who wanted to show up. It’s because I was crowding it out. So I wanna bring this all the way home, ’cause I know a lot of you aren’t dating on the dating apps, and I know that. But maybe you’re in a marriage and you can’t figure it out, or you’re in a friendship that just feels really lopsided, or you’re in a job and n- you’re carrying the team or a family where you have always been the adult, you know, since you were 10 years old. So here’s what I wanna say to you. If you’ve been over-functioning in something for 20 years, you don’t currently know what it is. You know what it is with you holding both ends of it. You don’t know what it is. You’ve been managing the calendar, and the moods, and the extended family, and the temperature of the room, and you have been doing that really well. , You soften things so that he doesn’t get mad, and you anticipate things before it even happens. You’re brilliant. You’re so brilliant, people don’t even know half the stuff that you take care of, ’cause you do it before there’s a, a missing piece, before there’s loss. You do your half and their half, and you call that a relationship. So when you sit down to ask yourself the big question of, “Can this relationship work? Do I want this? Is this enough?” You are asking about a truth that you likely built, and you cannot get a true answer from that place. So I’m not telling you to stop doing everything, and just see if ever- anybody notices, right? That’s … would likely be more uncomfortable for you, ’cause you’d have a messy kitchen and a, a cluttered household, right? I’m telling you something much smaller and a little bit harder, and that is to pick one thing, one thing that you always do that actually isn’t yours. You know, that something that only gets done because you do it, and then not getting it done would be uncomfortable, and then just don’t do it. Don’t announce it. Don’t make a big production. Don’t make it a lesson. Don’t turn it into a conversation about how you’re the one who does every goddamn thing, ’cause we know you do. ‘Cause I promise the conversation’s already happened. You’ve already done that, and it didn’t work. So just leave it empty, and then watch, not, not to catch anybody, but just to see them, to actually get clear eyes, to see what’s happening. ‘Cause you’re over-capacitating if you’re anything like me. You’re over-capacitating, and you think that’s real. But the truth is, if you just stay in your lane, you can see what they’re willing to do, and those are different, and your body knows which one you do regularly, so it’s gonna feel a little uncomfortable. And maybe they pick up the slack. That happens more than you might think, and it’s great when it does. We had someone the other day in group, two people, one person in particular, that was like, “I can’t believe how different my marriage is when I created space. I can see how much he shows up for me.” Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe it just sits there. But either way, you’re gonna learn something true, and I think that we are all pretty starving for something true. And, the last thing I’ll say, and, this is the part that I’m still practicing, is that it’s okay for you to just bring the joy. You don’t have to arrive with a solution. You don’t have to be the most useful person in your family. You don’t have to earn your seat by fixing anything or anybody. You can show up funny. You can show up interested. You can show up delighted by the thing you saw, , during your day. You can order something good on the menu and just be a pleasure to be around and let that be the whole thing. I know this is hard ’cause you’re like, “Well, I’m not going out on dates. I’m at home, and he does not see me as funny or interested or delighted by me.” But what if you felt that way about you? What would be different? ‘Cause that is enough. It’s always been enough. I don’t think there’s a ledger that we think there is. I, I think 20 years ago if somebody had said, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, I got it.” Somebody said that to me yesterday. “Just show up.” And I would’ve been like, “I can handle it. I can do it. I’m a feminist.” But now I’m like, okay, I’m not gonna worry my pretty little head about anything. I’m just gonna get a cute outfit on and , go up and be joyful and happy and have fun, and enjoy the conversation, and spend time with somebody. I know that that’s not necessarily real life, it’s only a second date. But I think when we stop spending all our capacity on everybody else, we get it back for ourselves. So everything is teaching us something, including all the things that you swore you were done with. I, I was done with dating. I said it out loud on the show. And it turned out to be the one mirror that could show me a thing that I had been carrying my whole adult life. You, you might already know where you do this. You might n- even know as soon as I started the podcast, , might have been like, “This is what I do.” You know, there’s a specific moment in your week where you do something where you over-capacitate, and you don’t have to do anything about that right now, but just catch yourself when you start reaching and see if you can let yourself come back down and receive. Maybe it’s when a friend says, “Oh my God, you’re such a great friend.” And you go, “Aw, you’re a great friend.” You’re not valuable because you’re useful. You’re valuable because you’re you, and anybody worth having close to you already knows that. And I think that is how you live a big life. All right. All right, everyone. I love you so much. I’ll see you guys next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.