Hi, I'm Jacqueline, your host. Welcome to the Mio Printer Podcast, a platform where we talk to black indigenous and women of color who are entrepreneurs, spirit printers, and creative. We talk all about moving through light transition with courage, confidence, and compassion. If you've been looking for a way to turn your light transition on major light change into a transformation, an inner evolution, this is a podcast for you.
Hey guys, I wanted to jump on here and just do a quick solo podcast. What you can see from the title is that I'm going to talk about solo dating. I wanted to share with you guys what I've learned from the past three months of 2022 about doing solo dating. So after feeling that I gave myself enough time after the end of my last relationship, I decided that before I started dating dating, and I wasn't even sure if I was really feeling like I was ready to date, I wanted to give solo dating a shot first.
After a long term relationship, I feel like you get into that groove where you become an us instead of an I or you forget about the I. So it's kind of like you start asking yourself, what did I want to do on dates? What did I want to try? How do I want to feel like when I go on dates?
In my last relationship, it's not we lacked going out per se, but we did do things that we liked rather than focus on the individual, what we might enjoy alone or what we might want to try. It's not something couples do intentionally, it's just easier to do things that we both enjoy together. Now, I think I just wanted to get back to me and true transparency is something I talked about in the podcast. Before my relationship, I had gone through a deep depression.
I was deep in survival mode and really unsure about the future. The thing was that thank God I had dealt with my depression before I got into a relationship. I felt that my past relationship had really allowed me to heal a lot and start to really know what a healthy relationship was, not just like with another person, but what that looked like for myself. There was a chance to do a lot of inner work.
Here I was like single again and I was showing up less heartbroken and in a place where I felt more healed at peace and even more confident. Let's get into it. My first solo day was awkward as I forget. Listen, I know how to be alone.
It's all that aloneness that actually in the past had led to isolation and ultimately depression. However, I've also been on my own since I was 15. I'm definitely like no stranger to doing things on my own. However, one thing is having to do things alone and another one is really setting the intention that you're going to go out and you're going to do a whole solo dating thing.
There's a spot in San Diego that's a sushi place, they play music, they have great aesthetics. I really love that place. I said, you know what? I'm going to go and check out this place.
I ended up going on a Friday, not my intention, not my suggestion. If you're going to go out on a solo date for the first time, I would suggest going out during the week. It's a little less busier and I feel like you get better service. Anyways, a little more on that.
I sat at the bar. It was super busy and I sat in between a couple and the area was right next to me where you pick up all the drinks. Big mistake. The reason I say big mistake, there's no real chance for you to make a connection.
The people next to me were obviously going to date, I'm not going to start a conversation with them. I don't know what date this is. I don't know if they're trying to get to know each other. On the other side, people were coming in and out and it was awkward and the bartenders were all really busy.
Most of the time, when you go out, the bartenders, if it's not that busy, they tend to have conversation with you. Take care of you a little more. I even had the bouncer check in on me, which I thought was really sweet. There was a moment where I was like, okay, this is what it is.
I'm here alone. I can't make conversation. What can I do? I needed to get the bartenders attention.
It was still really busy. One of their, I guess it's called the bar back, he saw me and he was like, hey, what can I get you? I made my order and of course I had to wait. The wait was a little long because it was busy.
In that stillness of waiting, I don't know, somehow I just went back to my roots of I know how to be alone. I know how to be by myself. I enjoy my own company. I'm fine.
It was a moment of stillness. I don't know how to describe it. I was here with someone and say they, I don't know, stepped away to the bathroom, had to pick up a phone call. I would just start people watching.
I would enjoy the aesthetics. They had great music. That's what I did. I recognize, again, what back to my roots and recognize, hey, I know I'm enjoying my own company.
I don't need to get on my phone or I don't need to make conversation. I came out to get to know me again and enjoy my own time with myself. That's what I'm going to do. That's number one.
It's okay to be awkward. The second thing I would say, great service is key. I definitely did. I want to say I solo date years ago and it wasn't called a solo date.
I just went out on my own. I remember how important it was to have great service. Because it was really busy, it took forever to get someone to come to me and the guy did notice I was on my own and he came up to me. They brought the food.
They forgot to bring me my utensils and they didn't bring a sauce or something. The guy, again, he was really busy but kept an eye on me. That's so important because you are on your own. It is a little awkward.
I want to feel like taking care of. Like I said in the previous years ago, I've had that. I've done solo trips. And again, years ago, I had gone out on my own and I realized how important that is because I feel that people take care of you.
The service wasn't great. That was kind of like, it's fine. I came here to be on my own. It's probably an opportunity for me to have some stillness.
That's another thing too. We don't want to sit in our discomfort. We have such an issue with sitting with uncomfortable feelings. We try to avoid everything.
I think that's part of a larger problem. On why a lot of the times we don't heal, we don't heal our trauma, we don't get past doing things because we just don't want to be uncomfortable. We don't want to feel awkward. But that's part of it.
That's what allowed me to sit in that discomfort, work through the awkwardness and start to get more comfortable and spend time with myself. So the second thing, number one, is like, it's okay to be awkward and sit in that discomfort. And number two, great service is key like I mentioned because you are on your own. But so is safety.
One thing that I did was that I only ordered one drink. They make great drinks at the spot that I went to. So I ordered one drink, but I also had water. I just wanted to make sure, you know, I am on my own.
I am single. And I still have to make sure that I'm safe. Again, just have to make sure that you're watching your drink all the time, that you're paying attention and that you are making sure of your surroundings. You know, because although you may be on your own, you never know who's watching you and who's paying attention to you.
So definitely make sure of your surroundings. And that's why, you know, like great service is important because like I said, the bouncer, like kind of like was making sure, you know, when I came in, he saw I was on my own. I went to sit down and then he came and checked on me. And it just made me feel like, okay, like I'm being looked after.
He made sure like, oh, you know, you're going to get to your car. Okay. Just like, I really appreciated that. You know, it made me feel like safe.
And also like I said, when you have great service, they really take care of you. So you feel like you're taking care of. And yes, you're on your own, but you're not on your own own. Now my second was at the spot.
It's called Breakfast Bitch San Diego. And if you've never experienced breakfast, bitch, I mean, you have to try it. It is so much fun there. The food is okay.
And again, I've only gone once. I'm sure what I ordered, you know, it's pretty basic. I had bacon, eggs, and then I did have a mimosa. That was good.
But it was pretty basic, but what made up for it, what gave it to me, like honestly, a nine and even close to a 10, even though the food was like super basic, they had everything. They had great music. They had like a great DJ. The ambiance was a vibe.
Like people were dancing and enjoying themselves and talking. I sat at the bar and I ended up sitting next to these two guys. Like they were just so funny. So something I have to tell you before I go into it.
Like, okay, so Breakfast Bitch has a DJ, great music. People are dancing. When it's your birthday, like all of the crew comes out and they start singing. And you really notice the people that work there really enjoy working there.
Like it's not even a job for them. I'm sure like they really do like working there and it shows and it's really like transparent. And I loved it. And there, they were everyone there.
I swear I felt like I was being taken care of. The bar turned it was super busy, you know, because it was packed. I did go, I believe it was on a Sunday, a Sunday which was like the busiest day. But the staff continuously, like from when I got in line to, you know, when I was waiting to be seated to when I was at the bar, like the people working there would come up and like, hey girl, how you doing?
Do you need anything? Did you like your food? Do you have any questions? They'd come and dance next to me.
Like I had a guy like dancing next to me and he's like, are you having fun? And I was like, yeah. And they do that like all around, you know, and they just make everybody feel welcome and they're dancing, they'll dance with people. So my suggestion, like honestly, if you are afraid of doing solo dating, I would say that would be my suggestion.
Like go somewhere where there's music because you can just sit there and enjoy the music. And that place is a vibe where you can just go on your own. And I will tell you share that with you guys. Something funny, the guy's next to me was hilarious.
Like they were just funny. When I first sat down, the guy was like, hey, how you doing? I'm like good. And then he's just like, are you here alone?
And I was just like, yeah, he goes, all right. That's what's up. Like he was just letting me know, like look at you coming out by yourself. You know, like he was just like, you know, really good for you.
And I was like, right? And so just kind of like a reminder, like listen, we don't see a lot of people like being able to go out on their own and enjoy themselves or even like I would say, particularly women, right? And I understand that a lot of the times that is like a safety issue, but like we really should normalize going out on your own, especially I feel as a woman. And with the feedback, you know, that I was getting and him as a man, you know, like recognizing like, yes, right girl, you go, you go out on, you know, I don't know.
It's just such a like good feeling. And also like I said, it was a lot of fun. I have a quick question for you. Are you feeling stuck?
You need a some clarity? That's where I was a few years ago. Lost in depression and dealing with identity loss. I thought it was just me feeling stuck and that I just needed to get over it or through it or just find another job.
Another thing to distract me from what I was feeling, which was lost and uninspired. And when I search for answers and after hundreds of interviews, I can tell you that it was so much bigger than that. So I decided to create the thing that I needed that doesn't take a whole lot of time for money to learn more simply go to the show notes for more. And now back to the episode.
And that brings me like two tip number three, the best places to start solo dating your solo day journey, just like I mentioned on the previous one was to go to a place where they're playing music. So my other solo day actually went to a stadium. I went roller skating. There's a spot again in San Diego where it kind of happens like twice a month.
They like rent out this like warehouse and the owner of it's called underground something. I can't remember it right now. But they like I think her dad started with very into roller skating. I think he had a place and then she took it over and so she'll rent like warehouses and then she'll just have like events to get a DJ.
And then there's a guy there that read States if you don't have them. But the DJ. So here let me just tell you that the warehouse was in this old in my old neighborhood where I grew up in San Diego. It was like literally across like the trolley station where I used to take my trolley to go to high school like right across I can just walk over to it.
And I just got this nostalgia of being there. And then also they were playing like old school like 90s and hip hop and it was just I don't know. I think it was 80s 90 or something like that. And I just got so nostalgic when I was there.
I had so much fun rollerblading the vibe in there again. It has so much to do with the energy of the place and like breakfast bitch and that roller skating event their vibe and the people that go just had such good energy and the woman that runs it I mean obviously you know was passed down to her by her dad and she like really loved it and so did the people there. You know you can tell there was a lot of regulars there. But new people were welcomed and I just really enjoyed myself.
And again I can you know like seeing people like okay you can hear about yourself. Hey girl you know like just so much fun. I like really really enjoyed that. So if you're like again hesitant about doing solo dating I would really suggest like roller skating events like that.
Events that are that have a lot of people making sure there's good energy that you feel safe right. That's familiar to you you know that that my old neighborhood obviously is familiar to me. If anything went down I have like five houses that I can run to. So that's important to me knowing the area where you're at and if anything happened you know I mean that you are I would say in close proximity to running or walking somewhere you know where you have any like again emergency because you are on your own.
Yes you would hope people would take care of you. It's like a huge emergency. But at the end of the day you also want to make sure that you can take care of yourself and you you have like an exit plan in place. And tip number four and I think I've been mentioning throughout is how to enjoy your own company.
And I would say the biggest thing is put your phone away. If you're like part of the older generation I would say like I mean people in their 20s you have been raised like you know to have your phone and I think it's become even you know what I'm not going to say people in their 20s. I'm going to say everybody maybe but 20 year olds have excuse because you know they grew up like that. No throughout like all ages I just feel we're so stuck on our phone that it's become like our security blanket.
I've literally seen people that are by themselves and can't stand there by themselves without like being on their phone and looking out their phone. Nobody can just like stand there and just like assess the room and maybe start like a conversation with someone or just sit in stillness with yourself you know like I said enjoy the environment and just be with yourselves. And if you're going to go out on a solo date and you're going to open yourself to like meeting new people probably starting a conversation or being open and giving that that energy of like I'm open you can come talk to me. And when you get on your phone you take all of that away from yourself that opportunity to sit and learn how to work through that discomfort and awkwardness and you take away that opportunity to make a conversation with someone or have someone come up and make a conversation with you.
And I understand that that takes practice especially if you're someone that has social anxiety. I'm sure that's a big thing but taking your time with that maybe not being on your phone all the time because that does signal like insecurity a bit and also like I'm closed off. Number five is how to grow confidence. So I actually for my birthday my family's out of town and it was during the week as well.
So I decided that part of my like solo date adventure was going to be for me to go out for my birthday. So I went ahead and went to a restaurant that's like near my house it was like walking distance and I really wanted to try out this restaurant always packed the every time I passed by there the food looks amazing the ambiance is amazing and a bonus is that literally a block away is my favorite dessert spot. So I've mentioned in previous or if you don't know I have a gluten allergy so there's not like a lot of options for me. So it just happened that it's also a block away from my favorite like dessert place the absolute best like cakes it's absolutely delicious.
And I was like I'm going to take myself out for my birthday to the nicest restaurant and I'm going to walk over and like get me some birthday cake from the spot by the way guys a slice literal slice of cake is $12. So you can just imagine how the whole cake I just needed this like it's like they give you a huge ass. So I went ahead and I went to this restaurant it was during the week so it wasn't too packed and I said you know the ambiance was beautiful the food was freaking delicious like so delicious the guy suggested like a wine so I had a wine but I also had my favorite drink I was close to the house I also ordered water but again the service there the people there it was really nice it was really chill there was a lot of people like it was either I would say like family or like couples because it is like a really nice it's nice guys it's a nice restaurant it's like the whole you know the setting of the table is nice and I felt I deserved that for my birthday and I ended up getting like this beef I don't eat a lot of beef but I did get it because it's just the guy one thing I do is I always take my suggestions from the servers because they know best you know that's that's their job to like give you suggestions and also let you know like what you might enjoy and what mine might go with it and this guy did not disappoint he's like what do you like and I told him I was like I don't usually eat you know what I mean but today I want to try something you know and so he's just like okay great so he had a suggestion and it ended up like it was delicious it had the sauce but you know what it reminded me of moly like the way it had this like dark sauce which I thought was a little funny but it was absolutely delicious and when they served it it looks small and I was like I'm gonna totally finish this you know I wasn't able to finish it it it may have looked as small but if the size like the thickness of the beef was a lot and then the beer is on that doesn't eat like red meat then it's just gonna be too much but I enjoyed it you know I enjoyed the people I sat down and looked I'm someone that really looks architecture I am by no expert on architecture but I do enjoy that aesthetic you know I do enjoy the way to designer you know put the place together you know they went in on this restaurant like not just the walls but the bar but this you know the ceiling just the way they put the tables and the couches it was just absolutely beautiful and then I walked over to my favorite place and got myself a bagel slice for my birthday and then a walk home again it was like what like four blocks for my house and I walked home and I enjoyed my cake and then after that I went ahead and got my journal because what I do is every year I kind of do an assessment of like what have I done this year what have I accomplished you know what am I proud of how have I grown like where am I now versus like six months ago and what is it that I really want to take with me on my next birthday and what is it that I want to leave behind excuse me so yeah I actually had an awesome birthday I really like that and again I was proud of myself for going out not staying home just because I didn't have anybody to celebrate like it was my day and ultimately like hello it's my birthday like if I can enjoy my birthday on my own you know as much as I enjoy it with others like hello so like I was saying you know we were talking about number five and how to grow your confidence and I spoke about my birthday is that I noticed that the more I did it the more I went out on solar dates that how the awkwardness went away and I knew that when I was example my birthday but also when I was doing the roller skating day like me walking around on my own there was just this light about me you know people were smiling they at the roller skating place they had food in the back I went in the back I mean people were just like taking care of me like hey what do you want what do you need how are you doing and maybe they weren't but I felt that way I felt very taken care of you know in mind you I'm like on my own honestly I felt more taken care of than like on some bad dates that you know and there's just something about a woman being on her own you know that maybe sometimes you'll think oh is that I'm safer but you'll at least this is my belief that I that you're gonna track people that wanted to care of you and taking care of you you know not following you none of that but you are like in a way made you feel like family everybody was making eye contact people were smiling at me you know like I was enjoying the music I remember I was sitting down eating and I was like dancing it was as well dancing next to me and there was just this energy that I just felt really good about myself about doing these things because I was taking care of myself I was giving myself so much self-love and self-acceptance and just allowing myself to be in that moment and sit with it and sit with being uncomfortable to comfortable to being more confident and to like loving on myself and accepting myself like exactly where I was at in conclusion I'll like repeat this is a new way I took some notes so I'll repeat like the five things that I learned from solo dating was that it's okay to be awkward we can sit through that discomfort number two great services key so is safety you always want to go to a place where you feel you're being taken care of and people you know are looking after you because that's important you're on your own and you want to feel that you're getting the best service and number three is best places start on your solo date journey like I mentioned would be somewhere with music somewhere that is close to where you live or a neighborhood that you really know in case like I said of any emergency number four is how to enjoy your own company put that phone away biggest thing is put that phone away and learned how to be with yourself again at the beginning it's it is awkward but for the most part like learn to put your phone down so that you're open to the experience and to allowing and letting people know that you're open to having a conversation or making like having an opportunity to make a conversation with someone else and then number five is you know I learned that it really helps you like grow your confidence because with each experience the awkwardness like I said went away and more of that like self love and self acceptance came in and I will like in conclusion I would say you know date yourself whether you're in a relationship or not you should definitely I know I'm going to in my next relationship I'm going to make a priority to go out on solo dates even when I get into a relationship because I have seen how much that relationship with has grown and the intimacy with myself has grown through these solo dates that I'm going to continue to do that remind myself to make myself a priority even when I am in a relationship and don't let yourself be pulled away with the discomfort and the awkwardness of not having someone around don't let that stop you from like experiencing your life if you want to travel if you want to try a restaurant if you want to try roller skating you know my next thing is I want to do that rock climbing I always wanted to try that and don't let you not be with someone and I don't buy someone I don't just mean like a partner I mean a friend not having a friend available don't let that stop you from experiencing seeing your life and just try to remember that this is going to make you not just like a better partner a better friend you'll be able to have better conversations you'll be a more involved person you'll be more proud of yourself you'll feel more courageous this is going to give you so much confidence you know and then you'll start realizing that anyone that comes in your life is just with a cherry on top they're just adding to your life because you already have realized that you just have so much to offer not only to someone else you know but to yourself and you know how to go out and make those things happen to you for you.