It's scary to hear this is not going the direction I want it to go in. It's scary to hear I don't think this is working out. But here's the thing. If you don't ask this question, you're going to end up there anyway.
Hey everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose Number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. And I'm so grateful for your commitment to these episodes.
Every single Friday, I tackle a new theme, whether it's about you, whether it's about your work, whether it's about love. And today we're talking about relationships. Now, I want to give a big shout out to everyone who's been leaving reviews. As always, I dive into the reviews once a week to check what you've all been saying.
And I'm going to read a few for you right now because I'm so, so grateful for them. This is one that I love. This is from Mariabu. Love his podcast on his story.
Thank you, J. I listen to your podcast all the time. I appreciate your spiritual and supportive approach to help listeners like myself learn at their own pace. Letting someone define who they are without pressuring them to be someone they aren't doesn't limit their growth, in my opinion.
It expands the potential of what could be. I love, love, love hearing that. And here is another one that blew me away. This is from Rose Christie.
I always turn on JJ's podcast, which gives me positive energy and somehow helps me improve my work ethic. I listen to old episodes every day and always look forward for Friday and Monday for new ones. Thank you for making our lives better. Well, thank you for tuning in.
I really, really mean that. I'm so grateful for those wonderful, wonderful reviews. And if you feel like leaving one, make sure you do as well. So today we're talking about the five difficult relationship conversations we try to avoid but need to have in the next five months.
Now, I'm not putting any pressure onto you. I'm not telling to have these conversations right now. They may not be right for where you're at, but these are really important conversations. And what I find is that if you don't create a deadline, if you don't create your own end date, end point, milestone, check in with yourself or yourself.
Then sometimes we avoid these conversations for days, for weeks, for months, for years. I know people who've avoided these conversations for decades. And it's so easy to keep putting them off, keep delaying them, keep postponing them because it feels like the right thing to do, because we're scared of having them. They're difficult.
They're uncomfortable for a reason. And that is why I put the number five months. Hey, if you want to talk about it in the next five weeks, be my guest. If you want to talk about it over the next 12 months, that's fine.
Just make sure you set your own deadline. Uncomfortable conversations are the easiest to delay. They're the easiest to postpone. They're the easiest to try and avoid and dodge.
But I promise you, your relationship will improve or the outcome of these conversations will improve your life in a way that you could never have imagined before. So the way to approach this episode is whether you're in a relationship or not. These are important things to think about. Because at one point in your life, I'm guessing, you might want to be with someone and then you want to talk about these things.
And if you're already with someone but you're thinking, jay, I haven't really talked about the difficult stuff yet. I haven't really talked about the awkward or uncomfortable stuff yet, then this episode is going to be massively, massively helpful. Now, I was reading a article on Taylor HQ and this is what fascinated me, right? About 73% of individuals have money management styles different from their partners, and they squabble over it, too.
How many of you know that you've broken up with someone in the past or are having challenges right now because of conversations about money? About 31% of couples, even the happiest ones, clash over finances once a month. And we will talk about money today. But that isn't the only conversation that's awkward.
So here we go with the top five uncomfortable relationship conversations. We try to avoid what we need to have in the next five months. The first one is, is this relationship going in the right direction that you want it to? This is such an important question to ask your partner.
Is this relationship going in the direction that you want it to go in? Are we behaving in a way that makes you happy? Are we growing in a way that makes you happy? Are you genuinely pleased by how this relationship is moving forward?
And if their answer is yes, I want you to ask them why? Why is it going in the direction you want? What's good about it? What are you appreciating?
What are you enjoying about it? The reason why this first question of, is this relationship going the direction you want to? Is so important to ask because often people don't ask it. For decades, people don't ask it for decades.
And then years later, someone turns around and says, well, you know, this was never going in the right direction. Well, you know, this was never what I wanted. You've heard people say that before, not just in movies, but I'm sure you've heard people say in your life. Maybe you saw your parents argue about these things.
So many of us have this feeling of I'm involved in something that's not even going in the direction I want it to go in. This is why I love checking in with Radi. This is a conversation I have with her regularly. I actually have this conversation with her probably once a week or once a month at the very least.
Is this going in the direction you want it to? Because here's the thing, when you ask that question, you're giving that person an opportunity to check in with you as well. You're giving them an opportunity to introspect and reflect. Many people say, well, you know, my partner's not the most reflective person.
They're not the most introspective person. A question like this, without any expectations, without any judgment, can be a beautiful way of creating more introspection and reflection in your relationship simply by asking, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to? Usually the only time we have this conversation is not during the conversation. It's during an argument or a disagreement where we say something like, I guess you don't want to be with me anymore, or, I guess this isn't what you're looking for.
I guess I'm not what you wanted, right? It's never said as a question when things are good. It's said as a defense mechanism. It's said as almost a guilty feeling when things are going wrong.
Be said with sarcasm. Notice the difference with when someone will hear this as a genuine question to improve things as opposed to a response or a reaction to something not going right. Just think about that for a moment. Someone asked you when things going well and go, hey, is this going the direction you want it to?
Versus Hey, I know things are bad right now, and I know this is what you really wanted. I know I'm not what you really wanted. Which one actually helps a relationship? It's the first one.
It's the first one. This is the conversation we need to get so much more. And then if the answer is yes, you have to say, why? So if your radius says to me, yeah, things are going great, why are they going great?
And again, you're asking in a genuine, sincere way. You're not challenging Them, you're not testing them. Remember, the tone is not about testing the other person. The tone is about inquiry, curiosity.
Because if they said yes, first of all, massive pat on the back. But if they said yes and they can tell you why, you can continue to behave in that way. When Radhi tells me, oh, I really appreciate it when you put your shoes away, I really appreciate it when I feel heard, I really appreciate it when you're emotionally available, I really appreciate it when I feel seen. Whatever it may be, hearing that allows me to repeat it.
It also allows me to feel validated for how I'm behaving. Now. This isn't a way of you getting validation and this isn't a way to check whether your partner notices the wonderful things you do. Please do not turn this advice into a test, an exam or a compliment winning approach like that is not what this is.
This is truly about improving your relationship. Now let's say the person says no. And sometimes I ask this question when I want to say the answer is no, this relationship is not going the direction I want it to go in. And the follow up question to that is, what are you willing to do to get there?
And what am I willing to do to get there? This is a really important follow up. If I say to her, radi, no, this relationship isn't going the direction I wanted, I'll then follow it up by saying what I'm willing to do to get it there. And if the relationship's not going the direction she wants, I want to know what is she willing to do to get it there.
Because what ends up happening is actually when people say, oh no, it's not going the way I want, they want the other person to do something, they want the other person to change. But actually if a relationship's not going in the direction you want, you need to take accountability and responsibility to help it grow. Now by the way, this does not apply to abusive, manipulative relationships, right? Those relationships you walk away from, you leave, you try and heal those relationships.
But in any other relationship, if your partner asks you what are you willing to do to get there, they may end up saying, well, look, I'm willing to make sure I don't work in the evenings. I'm willing to make sure that whenever we talk we don't have our phones in our hands. I'm willing to make sure that we're going to take a weekend off this year and travel together, whatever it may be. It's about what you're willing to do, right?
What are you as an individual willing to do to get this relationship to be where you want it to be. That's what I want you to think about. That's what I want you to focus on. So that's the first uncomfortable conversation that we try to avoid.
Because it's scary to hear. This is not going the direction I wanted to go in. It's scary to hear I don't think this is working out. But here's the thing.
If you don't ask this question, you're going to end up there anyway. This question either speeds it up or it gives you the opportunity to solve it. And that's often what people wanted in relationships. They never got the opportunity to solve it.
They never got the time, the moment where they got to hear what they could improve, and then they regret it. So actually, the benefit of this question is way greater than the challenge of this question. So when you're thinking about avoiding this conversation, don't have it more often. Make it normal to reflect and introspect in your relationship.
Make it normal to have a conscious conversation in your relationship. Don't leave it for the bad times. Then this doesn't work, right? It actually doesn't work.
The second uncomfortable conversation, and I put it uncomfortable or difficult conversation because people often don't know or they don't talk about this until very late on, or they never talk about it at all. They just end up in a situation. And it's about whether you want to have children or not, right? Are you aware of how many children you want?
And do you know how it affects your life? Does your partner know how it will affect their life? Of course you're not going to ask this in the next five months if you just started dating someone, right? This may not be the first question you're asking, but as things get more serious, as the commitment grows, you have to get clear on these things.
What I find fascinating is the amount of people that get married and have kids or have kids without ever having this conversation. They're not aware of why they want kids, why their partner wants kids, or what they're going to do and how life is going to change. This is probably one of my favorite questions to ask clients to ask people that they're dating or even in my own relationship to ask the question, why do you want children? It's such an important question and actually allows your partner to share with you something so beautiful that you may never have imagined.
You're actually setting an intention for why you want a child and why you want to bring life into this world. And even if you don't want kids, it's a great time to explain your reasoning, to explain your heart, to express your emotions, and why you don't want kids. Do we want to have children? That's the question.
Are we aware of how many, and even more importantly, do we know? Are we aware of how this is going to affect our lives? I speak to so many young couples regularly and hear the response. We had no idea.
Now, the excuse of this is often, oh, well, you never know how hard it's going to be. That's fair, right? I don't have kids. I don't know how challenging or difficult or hard it's going to be.
I know that. I'm aware of that and I get that I have no idea and no right to even comprehend what it feels like. But I'll tell you this. If you've not even prepared a little bit, it's going to be very difficult.
If you're preparing for something and then it's harder than you expected, that's better than if you were unprepared. Being unprepared and then being surprised is worse than being prepared and then being surprised. If you're prepared, you still have a few things that you can work with. If you're unprepared, you feel totally, totally lost.
There are studies that show, and I read one on quartz that says 30 years of research proves couples with children really do have harder marriages. Right? And so when you hear that, why is it because sometimes people are not thought about how it's going to affect their life. Right?
People have not thought about how it's going to affect their body, how it's going to affect their mind, how it's going to affect their dreams. And if they have thought about this stuff, they're not sharing it with their partner, so their partner's not aware and their partner's just thinking, yeah, life's going to be the same. We're going to spend the same amount of time together. Oh, we love each other, it's totally fine, everything's going to be okay.
But we all know that isn't the case. There are challenges. It's different. It's a huge difference.
You've just invited new life into your life. I also hear a lot about couples having a second child to save the marriage, to keep the marriage together, to feel it will strengthen a bond. I promise you it won't. I've actually seen it with friends, clients, people in my life who've had a second child, keep a marriage Together.
And it's actually had a negative impact on the marriage because you don't strengthen your bond by adding more challenges to your life to have enough another life to care about, another life to serve, another life to create together. That doesn't solve the natural challenges that you're already processing in your relationship. So this conversation is a really, really important one. And the most important part of that is how will it affect our lives or how we want it to affect our lives?
Have we thought about how family is going to be involved? Have we thought about how your job will change? Have we thought about how long you may have to take a break? Have we thought about how long I may have to quit?
Have we thought about how much we have in savings? These are all healthy things to talk about. Let's stop making them taboo. Let's stop making them awkward and difficult, uncomfortable.
Let's make them conversations that are important because we're excited, we're enthusiastic, we're in love. If we are, then let's talk about the things that help us grow, that help us get there, right? That help us really get to the place we want to be in. The third uncomfortable conversation we try to avoid or we need to have is, hey, how do you feel about your purpose?
How do you feel about your passion? Now, last week's episode was dedicated to discovering your passion and living your purpose. But that's a conversation we need to have with our partners. One thing I've realized is that purpose is what everyone's looking for.
It's why this podcast is called On Purpose. I find that people who found their purpose are better parents, better partners, better people, better professionals because they're satisfied in and of themselves. Purpose means self satisfaction. Purpose means that you get so much joy, validation and growth from the work that you do.
That doesn't mean your job. It could be anything. It could be your weekend, your evenings. But you're so satisfied that it completely allows you to be there for your partner.
It allows you to be there for your children. It allows you to do more. And people sacrifice their purpose because they think their partner has to be their purpose, or they think their children have to be their purpose, or they think their profession has to be their purpose. And that's actually where we get messed up, because we try and make something our purpose when it isn't.
Our purpose is our reason for being. Our purpose is why we do what we do. Our purpose is what fuels us in the morning and the evening and the night when it's difficult. Our purpose is the reason why we do something and checking with your partner whether you found yours or you haven't having a discussion about, hey, do you feel you're doing things that are purposeful in life?
Do you feel like what you're doing is meaningful? Do you feel like you know why you're doing what you're doing? Do you know what motivates you? What your intentions are?
And intentions are a great place to start. What do you care about? What are you really working for? What motivates you?
What inspires you? This is such a healthy conversation. I promise you. People never have this conversation.
If they ever do, it's way too late. It will save you so much time. I know people who've given up their purpose because of family and then they look back and now have a regret based on that. I know people have shifted their purpose because of their family not realizing that actually if they were more purposeful, they could have done even more for their family and friends and the people in their life.
So really sit down and ask that question to your partner and allow them to ask it to you. If you find your purpose, you should help your partner find theirs. If you haven't found it, you both can find yours at the same time. And the more you both find your purpose, the more your partnership benefits.
That's why when you realize the more you find your purpose, the more your partnership benefits. Because you have more satisfaction independently so you can enhance each other. You have more connection with yourself and who you are independently so you can actually support each other. Otherwise it is so difficult to support someone else.
Especially supporting someone without purpose. Now, by the way, someone may not have a purpose, they may not have a passion. They make something they like. They may just have a skill.
When I met Radhi, she was just addicted to food. She just was absorbed in food. She liked cooking, sure, but she wasn't a passion. And the first gift I got Radhi, I remember was this chopping board and it said Ravi's Kitchen.
And I had it engraved into the word. And I remember giving it to her and just thinking, you know Radhi, one day you might ever own patisserie or your kitchen because you're such a good cook. And I had no idea where it would go to. And now when I see her living her passion and purpose, I feel so excited, I feel so motivated, I feel so inspired to see where she's got.
But it's been amazing that when I met her, she didn't have a purpose. And now she loves educating people about how they can heal themselves. And how health is all about the food we eat and how we think and how we feel. And she loves it.
And when I met her, I didn't have a penny to my name. I knew what I was passionate about. I knew I wanted to present wisdom, but it wasn't a purpose yet. I didn't know how to do it.
I haven't had any real success doing it. And it's been a beautiful journey to watch Riley discover her purpose. I've been discovering my purpose and now to be in a purposeful relationship as well. That's the amazing thing, that when you both find your own purpose, you can bring purpose into your relationship.
But when your partner is struggling, it is our role with empathy and compassion and love to help them. Now, helping them doesn't mean hurting them. So when you're trying to help someone, don't force them. If they don't want you help, that's fine.
If they don't want you to get involved in an area like that, fine. Sometimes Riley will talk to me. I don't want to talk about that. I just want to have fun with you.
Actually, it happens a lot. We're in the current. Alright, how's work stuff? I don't want to talk to you about it right now.
I know what mode you're going to get me into. Right. And respecting that is so important. Rather than being like, oh, well, you know, well, we should really focus on that because otherwise it won't happen.
Rather than saying things you don't mean. The fourth conversation has been a game changer for me. And this conversation is, are you surrounded by people you want to be around? Often as a couple, you can be surrounded by a lot of people.
And one of the things Radi and I had to discover was that sometimes we didn't always totally gel perfectly with other couples. In the sense that I may be friends with someone, but Radhi and their partner, it's not that they don't get along or there's an issue, but they may not gel straight away. And rather they'd be friends with someone I may not jail with their partner straight away. And so we started to realize that we had three groups of friends.
She had her friends, I had my friends, and then we had a group of friends that crossed over. And what I realized in a relationship is that your individual groups of friends are as important as your collective group of friends. Your collective group of friends are not a substitute for individual friends and your individual friends are not a substitute for your collective friends. And by the way, you Both are not a substitute for your own friends.
I know too many couples that they say, well, I'm with my best friend, why do I need any more friends? That isolated culture is not healthy for anyone. That over dependence, that over reliance on each other is not healthy. So checking in with your partner, making sure that they're happy with their group of friends.
I remember I just set Radhi so many girl dates when we moved to New York. I did the same when we moved to la. And that's how she found two of our closest friends in Palo Deepika, who are our family now, and Pah's husband Nick, who's a really good friend of mine. And you know, we discovered so many friendships that way because I just wanted to make sure Varali was surrounded by people who made a place, a new place feel like home, that made a new place feel like family.
And that has been huge for us in la, Right? It's been huge for us. And making sure that your partner has friends that they love, people that they like spending time with. Because while you're creating your purpose, while you're doing your work, while you're even going to your job, your partner and they go to their job and doing their thing, they need stuff that fuels them, they need stuff that excites them.
So it's so important to check in and check in with yourself and recognize that there are these three groups of friends and that there's time for your partner to spend time with their friends and you to spend time with yours, which usually ideally matches. So you do it at the same time. And then of course you spend time collectively with a group of friends together. And so it's really healthy when you.
I know one of the things I do is I always carry my week in advance. I'll say, hey Riley, on Wednesday and Friday I have stuff with a couple of my friends. Maybe there's a good night for you to plan something. And she'll say, well, actually I spend time alone or I'm going to go out with someone, right?
But it's so healthy to have that conversation and allow that person to know when you're doing something, when they're doing something and keep creating those opportunities for connection. And the fifth and final conversation is around money. Now, this study I read on Tiller goes further and it said that the most difficult conversations around major purchases 34% of people have a disagreement about that decisions about finance and children. 24% of respondents with kids upon a spending habits 23% argue about that and important investment decisions 14% disagree with that.
An important point, however, is that 82% of these happy couples work to quickly resolve their differences. So the difference is not the issue. The issue is people not having conversations early enough and trying to push it off. This article goes on to state that David Olson, who's a professor at the University of Minnesota, identified five questions you can ask to find out if you're financially compatible with your partner.
One, do we agree on how to spend money? Two, I don't have any concerns about how my partner handles money. Three, I'm satisfied with our decisions about savings. Four, major debts are not a problem.
Five, making financial decisions is not difficult. Dr. Olson's research found the happiest couples agree with at least four of the five statements. So ask yourself again, do you agree with these statements or do you disagree?
Number one, we agree on how to spend money. Number two, I don't have any concerns about how my partner handles money. Number three, I'm satisfied with our decisions about savings. Number four, major debts are not a problem.
And major. Five, making financial decisions is not difficult. And these are conversations that we need to have because numbers and money and people's background with their parents and money is what causes so many issues about how money is spent. And helping someone understand why you spend money the way you do is more important than what you spend money on.
We compare what we spend money on so someone can say, well, I bought a car, but you bought that vacation, or you bought a pair of sneakers, so I bought a T shirt. My T shirt was cheaper and my T shirt, I got 10 T shirts for the same amount as you got one jacket, right? Like, we're comparing what we buy. We need to conversate about why we buy it.
If I say, hey, Ra, you know what? For me, it's really important we go on vacation this year because I just want to spend really quality time with you. And Riley says, well, by the way, instead of going on vacation, I'd love to spend money on this, because this is how I think we can connect more. Right?
Understand the why. Like, I want to connect with you. That's what we're trying to achieve. When you discuss that, you can move in the same direction.
When you discuss what, you can't move in the same direction. If someone says, I want to go on vacation to Hawaii and sometimes I go to New York, and you're like, well, you don't value what I value. It's like, no. Well, why do we want to go to Hawaii?
Oh, because I want to be outdoors together. I want to go on expeditions together. Why do you want to go to New York? Oh because I want to hang out with my other friends.
You start noticing there's a different discussion happening here and you get an opportunity to unite. So those are the five uncomfortable relationship conversations we try to avoid the need to have in the next five months or whatever your deadline is. I hope this episode helps you. I hope it serves you.
Thank you so much for listening to on purpose. I'm so grateful. I can't wait for you to have these conversations. And by the way, when you have these conversations, if it results in more difficulty, that's helping you learn a signal about the relationship you're in and what needs to be worked upon.
So just fast forward to accelerate the growth you need. I wish you all the best. I want nothing but good love and good energy for you all. Sending you lots of it.