51: Marriage, Relationship Warning Signs, and Healthy Communication with Rachel Wright

In what two areas do most couples struggle? How can we most effectively communicate with our spouse? And what skills can we teach our kids now so they don't struggle in their relationships later?  Podcast guest Rachel Wright is a licensed psychotherapist, marriage counselor, modern + millennial relationship expert,  and co-founder of The Wright Wellness Center, and I talk about why most couples come to their practice, how to tell if your relationship will last, and how resentment is a silent killer of relationships.   What Rachel Sees in Her Practice and How it Will Help You Rachel and her husband Kyle work together to help couples in their marriages. Together, they do intensives with couples and it helps for the husbands to see that Kyle is there. As a team, Rachel and Kyle look at what is best for the relationship and not only what is best for the two individuals within the relationship.    How Millennials Relationships Differ from Modern Relationships Millennials, people born between 1980-1994, often have a more open mindset for out-of-the-box solutions. In general, millennials are more open to talking about their vulnerability, feelings, and where they can improve.  Why Most Couples Come to See Rachel The top two reasons couples seek Rachel's counseling are: Sex, i.e. physical intimacy, mismatched libidos, affairs Communication, i.e. one spouse doesn't feel heard or understand; one partner believes they aren't being listened to   Let's Talk about Communication What Skills You Can Teach Your Kids Now to Help Them Later Rachel recommends teaching our children to listen to understand instead of to listen to respond. Children can reflect back what they've heard, "I hear you saying that you feel frustrated…" or summarize. If you're talking and thinking about other things, you're not listening. It's physiologically impossible to talk and listen simultaneously. Rachel finds that most people talk at each other; there's no comprehension.   How You Can Improve Communication in Your Marriage In a healthy relationship, your spouse needs to hear five positive comments for every one negative comment. Even as you communicate logistics with your spouse ("Pick up the milk on the way home!"), you can express thankfulness, extra love, and appreciation.   The Four Warning Signs for Relationship  Rachel reminds us that overarching dedication to your self, the other person, and the relationship is the most important aspect of whether a relationship will make it.   Rachel notes that, according to research, there are four warning signs for a relationship: Criticism: You blame a problem in the relationship on the personality quirk of the other person. Contempt: You criticize and give an eye roll toward your partner. Contempt is the most passive-aggressive, patronizing way to talk to another person. Defensiveness: You do not take responsibility for any issue in the relationship. Stonewalling: You completely shut off and are no longer engaging.    The Role Resentment Plays in a Relationship For those in their 40s, who have been married for 10 to 20 years, resentment can build up over time. Both parties have made mistakes. Is resentment why people grow apart and is it fixable?   Rachel shares that people grow apart for all different reasons, including resentment. As a culture, we have a problem with getting help. Instead of maintaining and healing a relationship along the way, people wait until there's an issue.    What to do When You Feel You've Outgrown Your Spouse When her clients they Rachel her they've outgrown their spouses, she asks them if they've given their husbands a chance to rise up. You may have grown as an individual, but has your husband had that same opportunity? Also, what can you do to grow together in your relationship?    Connect with Rachel Wright: Rachel Wright's Instagram Kyle Wright's Instagram Kyle's podcast, "Masculinity on the Rocks   Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT: I've learned to rely on evidence-based tools to compassionately communicate my feelings, wants, and needs (which is a fancy way of saying these tools work). Through WWC, I'm bringing a fresh, real voice to millennial relationships. My mission is to help people have better sex, relationships, and mental health. The work Kyle and I do makes communication stronger, turns the bedroom into a place of confidence, and gives you the tools you need to feel secure in your own skin. Sex ed shouldn't stop in high school, and relationship education needs to exist, period. I believe it's also important to honor the place mental health has in the conversation. As a sex educator, speaker, writer, and The Wright Reasons Podcast co-host, I go where the sun doesn't shine to talk about the issues that really matter, all through the lens of The Bachelor Franchise. Outside of WWC, I'm hitting up the latest Broadway shows, singing in the shower, eating at all the GF places I can find, and basking in Manhattan's energy.   Connect with Jen and Shamelessly Feminine: Join our Shamelessly Feminine Facebook Group Follow Shamelessly Feminine on Facebook Follow Shamelessly Feminine on Instagram   Key Quotes from the Episode: "You can't read the label from inside the bottle." - Rachel Wright "If you're more focused on winning the conversation or argument in your relationship, your relationship -- that third being-- that's what's losing." - Rachel Wright "If we just talked about things, the world would be such a better place." - Rachel Wright This episode was originally published on shamelesslyfeminine.com/episode51.