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Tickets go on sale to the general public June 30th at somethingworthknowing.com. So come build a better world with us on September 16th and experience something worth knowing you can get your ticket at Complexly.info slash something. Hello and welcome to Dia Hank and John. Nor is I for the good dear John and Hank.
It's a comedy podcast about death. We gotta talk about death as much anymore, John. I can fix that. Okay, good.
But in addition to talking about death, we answer your questions if you'd be surprised to bring you all the weeks news for both Mars and A.S.E. Whittle. Hey John, how you doing? I'm doing all right considering that the sweet embrace of death is coming for me.
Yeah, no forever, forever and ever. So when you raise your children, the question has become very pressing to me. When do you start to tell them that they're going to die? I guess when they start asking, which is pretty early, I remember Henry's best friend Luna, her cat died and there was a whole ceremony they buried the cat in the backyard.
Luna and Henry were probably three and afterwards someone came over to the house and said, Luna, I heard your cat went to heaven and Luna looked at the person and said, what are you talking about? There's no heaven for cats. The cat went in the yard. Yeah, exactly.
The cat is under the tree and I was just thinking like, man, they already have these sophisticated ideas around death that they just don't express to you because they're sort of probably because they're afraid of it. Like I remember Morrie Sendak once saying about childhood that he knew. The only thing he knew was that he was aware of deep and terrible secrets that adults didn't seem to know. And I do think that children are very aware from a very early age of the subjects that adults are trying to tiptoe around.
Mm-hmm. Yep. All right. Well, then I know the answer, John.
I'll just start them off early. Do you have a short poem for us today? Yeah, I'm glad that we started on such a high note. How are you doing?
I guess we could talk about me. I'm fine. I feel really good. I spent a lot of time this weekend trying to make all of the things that I have to do go away, which I love.
And I've been saying no to many people. And I have this wonderful reason to say no. And they can be like, oh, that's a great reason for you to say no. And then I don't have to worry about hurting your feelings.
So it's wonderful. Yeah. No. And that, by the way, that doesn't go away.
Like you continue to be able to use parenthood as an excuse. So that's one of the big benefits I would argue a parenthood in addition to the pure joy of having children. Sarah and I just got back from a one-week vacation slash writing retreat, mostly a writing retreat in Maine, which was really lovely. And I was delighted to have flew up, played the role of me last week.
I thought I did a great job. But I'm very happy to be back. I'm glad to have you back. I'm glad to have you back.
And I have to ask on behalf of all the people in the world. Did you finish your book? No, no, I did not. I am working hard.
Okay. It is difficult and slow, but you know, let's answer some questions from our listeners. Wait, no, first I have a short poem short poem. Hey, I really liked a couple weeks ago when you turned our corrections into a short poem.
So I decided to take a corrective note from a listener named Jerome and turn it into a short poem by adding line breaks. It is as follows, the US Mint does not make any hundred dollar bills or any bills at all for that matter. They only make coins. This is an innovation, John.
I don't know. Can I do one? Yes. Yes, feel free.
All right. Everyone on Twitter would like you to know that it was Rick Springfield and not Rick O'Kasek who wrote Jesse's Girl. But still I stand by the fact that Jesse's Girl was named Jesse. I'm really sorry to Rick Springfield, by the way.
I carried that bid on with Lula for a long time about about Rick O'Kasek wanting Jesse's Girl, Jesse. But it was Rick Springfield, different Rick. Too many Rick's too many Jesse's, John. Sorry, I got there for a Springfield.
Let's move on to questions from our listeners. This one comes from Emily who writes, Dear John and Hank, is there a way for me to moisturize my nostrils between a new job that requires me to breathe in a lot of flour and other powders and the air conditioning as it is somewhere where I live? My nostrils have been quite dry recently. Is there a safe and effective way for me to moisturize them?
Side note, I have asthma and thus cannot use humidifiers. So Hank, I want to just begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room, which is that Emily has essentially said without saying that she works in a cocaine factory. Yeah, I mean, you can't just say other powders. I mean, I think we all know when you're talking about flour and other powders, you're talking about mostly cocaine and then secondarily the flour used to cut the cocaine in potency.
First, I want to say, Emily, you should probably, I don't mean to judge, but get another job because working in a cocaine factory is both dangerous and illegal. Secondly, though, yes, I have the same problem. And there are a number of products on the market that are specifically designed for putting up your nose when it's dry. You can also, according to a website, I went to Use Coconut Oil, which smells good.
Yeah, the only thing that I would say here, Hank, is to make absolutely sure that if you use water to use distilled water, because it's possible that if you use tap water to moisturize your nostrils, you could get brain amoebas, which are almost always fatal. Yeah. And I do not want Emily to get brain amoebas, particularly given that she is already taking so many risks in her professional life. Yeah.
Yeah. There's the whole neti pot thing, but there's the stuff I use. It's called air, but it's spelled A-Y-R and there's a number of similar products that it's just like a saline gel. It's saline solution.
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. That's the solution.
I mean, the first solution is to stop working in a cocaine factory, but if it's necessary to remain there, then yeah, I think you go with the saline solution. It was a saline solution. But again, we want to emphasize it's not a good idea to work in a cocaine factory. It's just not a good long term solution.
Never. All right, John, I've got another question from David who asks Dear Hank and John, I think I'm having a crisis in my life for years. I have always known what my favorite colors are, and I have always been proud of that and never expected it to change. All of a sudden, I find myself admiring the color red and I'm afraid it's replacing brown as my favorite color.
Do I just abandon brown and embrace red? And if I do, isn't that abandoning a part of who I am? Please tell me what my favorite color actually is so I can move on with my life. Love David.
He didn't say love David, but I put that in there. Hank, I've got great news for David, and I think that you're going to agree with me on this, which is that David does not need to change his favorite color due to the fact that red is technically, in my opinion, a shade of brown. Or is brown a shade of red? No, no, no, no, no.
Red is a shade of brown, for sure. So, your favorite color is brown and your favorite shade of brown at the moment is red, but that can evolve. Like, the core essential thing is that your favorite color is brown, but there are a bunch of shades of brown. You've got your dark browns, your white browns, your tans, your reds, etc.
But what if brown is a shade of red and David's favorite color was always red, and now he's just realizing it? Yeah, no, that would make sense if brown were a shade of red. Unfortunately, for you, it's not red is a shade of brown. Well, so what other colors are shades of brown?
Yellow is yellow is a shade of brown? Yellow is essentially a very light brown, that is correct. So, how about orange? Orange also a shade of brown.
It's sort of, some would say, in the same way that red is a shade of brown, yes. Orange is definitely a shade of brown. I'm going to so I'm going to continue around the color wheel and ask if, if like a blue is a shade of brown. Good question.
Obviously not. I mean, look at blue. It is clearly not a shade of brown. This is not a difficult subject, like, okay, red, orange and yellow, all shades of brown, blue and green, not shades of brown, black, not a shade of brown, white, not a shade of brown, teal, not a shade of brown, etc.
It's very obvious. Everyone knows that red and yellow and orange are shades of brown. Purple is not a shade of brown. It's between blue and green.
No, it's not. It's between red and blue. No, it's not. It's between blue and green.
Maybe not on the color wheel, but everybody knows in real life, like in real, you know, the way we experience colors is between blue and green. Okay. Do you have any more serious answers for David? I don't think it's that serious of a question.
Well, you can say, I would say that you are going to change in your life and you are going to abandon the thing that you once were and you will no longer be that thing. And that is a sign not of some personal disaster, but of growth and harkens back to our desire to write in your high school year book instead of don't ever change. Change. I mean, that's all lovely advice, Hank.
And it's a beautiful sentiment. It's just that as it happens, his favorite color has not changed. Okay. All right.
All right. You got another question for us? I have another question, but I almost don't want to move on until you acknowledge that red is a shade of brown. I'm going to type it into Google is red a shade of brown.
The first, the odd really I'm not alone in thinking the auto complete was pink is red a shade of pink. The color pink, interestingly, is not a shade of brown, but yeah. Oh, I mean, there's a Wikipedia page called shades of brown. And it is just it's Amber Beaver beige buff burnt sea and burnt chestnut chocolate cocoa brown desert sand.
You're still in the seas, Hank. Just scroll down to red. Peru, raw, rosy brown, russet, sandy brown, smoky, tote has tan, tote and wood. Oh, yeah, that's the one it's it's Russet Sandy Brown.
That's that they call that. That's what some people call red. Let's move on to another question before I get proven wrong. This goes from Frisha who asks, dear John and Hank, you two have established a few rules throughout the podcast, namely when one is allowed to use the phrase turn of the century and who gets which armrest.
And I've run into another scenario that could use your expertise at which point in the day. Do I switch from saying have a good day to have a good night and he do be so nice would be greatly appreciated. This is one of the great questions I think of being alive. The first thing that I would say is I don't know if you're familiar with Wheaton's law.
It has a curse word in it. So I don't want to say it because my kid listens to this podcast and presumably other kids. But Wheaton's law is essentially don't be a jerk. Right.
The other day I was on a jog and I passed someone and you know when you pass someone when you're jogging, you don't have a lot of time to interact, but you want to be polite. So I said morning, I didn't say good morning. I just said morning as an acknowledgement of a way of saying hello. Right.
Also an acknowledgement of the time of day it was morning and the person is like a greed. It is that exactly. So the way the conversation should go is you say morning. The other person says morning or hello or whatever it is that they want to say in this passing jogging moment.
But what the person said instead was it's 1202. Are you a YouTube commenter? And I was like, we don't have time for me to pursue this conversation further down the line because we are passing each other while jogging. You're going seven miles an hour.
I'm going 5.2 miles per hour like the conversation about 10. Why did you need to do that? What did who who is the victor? Oh wow.
I love it. I love it. I love that so much. John, you know, I find it very difficult to say the right thing in the situation like not in that situation.
But when I'm saying like, when it's Friday and I'm saying goodbye to someone, a traditional thing to say is have a nice weekend. Knowing that it is Friday and that the weekend is coming up is way beyond my cognitive ability. Like I am so focused on just trying to have a positive interaction with another human that knowing what day of the week it is is way outside of my abilities. So like it's funny you should mention that because I'm actually strongly opposed to have a good weekend.
Oh yeah. Yeah, because so when Sarah and I first started dating, she managed an art gallery and her working hours were Tuesday to Saturday. And in fact, a lot of people's working hours are not in traditional weekends. And when people would say on Friday afternoon to Sarah, have a good weekend, it was like a crushing attack.
It was like a reminder that she had to go to work at 730 in the morning on Saturday. But oftentimes I'm saying this to people who I employ and who I am letting go for their time that they get to have on their own. So I do know what their schedules are. I think that hopefully none of them work the weekends for other companies.
That would be a lot of work. But yeah, and in the same way, when you're at a movie theater and they say enjoy the movie and you're like you too. Because like I don't know, I don't know what I'm saying. I can't control.
And like the idea that I'm going to know whether it's have a good day or have a good night, I don't know what time it is. I can't of the things that I'm trying to deal with right now, whether it's four o'clock or six o'clock is especially during the summer in Montana when the sun goes down at like 930. You just no one knows. No one knows what time it is.
No one knows if it's day or night. But I do have an opinion on this. Of course you do. The fact that you are yourself totally unable to process any such information doesn't keep you from having a strong opinion.
Absolutely. Well, it's not a strong opinion. I think the great thing about have a good day and have a good night is that they overlap significantly. And you can say have a good day up to like 7 o'clock and you can say have a good night anywhere after 5.
I think you can say have a good day as long as it is still light. And I think you can say have a good night. I agree starting at 5 p.m. So sometimes there's no crossover like in winter in Indianapolis, you know, when the sun sets at 4.45.
That's one thing. But in summer time, I agree. You've got have a good day as long as the sun is out and have a good night starting at the end of the traditional workday 5 p.m. Agreed?
Yeah. Yeah. Or I think that if somebody's leaving work early, you could still say have a good night. Because it's not like it has to be night for them to have a good one.
I'm wishing you a good night whenever that occurs. Yeah. So I think we're settled. There's a lot of overlap.
And also we need in general to be understanding of each other when it comes to conversational slip-ups. I mean, how does that person jogging even know what time it is? Do they have like a thing that says in their brain like every time an hour like a minute changes? It's like it's 1201.
Jeremy? It's 1202. Jeremy? You know how you have those little conversations with strangers that stick with you for a long, long time because something some part of it didn't go well.
I have a bunch of those and you know, you circle back to them at night when you can't fall asleep. Can I tell you another one? It's really, it's super embarrassing. Okay.
Sure. I have a friend. He's a journalist and he's reporting on the New York Knicks and he came to Indianapolis to watch a Knicks game where they were playing the Indianapolis Pacers, my hometown NBA team. And he was like, do you want to go to the game?
And I was like, sure. And then after the game, he was like, do you want to go to the locker room? And I was like, yeah. And so I got to go to the locker room.
It was really cool and it was a good experience. And when you get to the locker room, you know, there's all these NBA players, very large, strong people and lots of coaches and stuff. And I noticed that there was also a lot of food. Specifically, there was like some pulled pork and rice and some food from a local restaurant.
And it was looked really good. And so I just grabbed a plate and I started piling food onto my plate because I was like, you know, whatever, free food. And turns out that food is for the players. So a guy comes up to me and he says, excuse me, who are you?
And I was like, oh, I'm John Green. And like, I guess like that line doesn't go quite as far in the world of the NBA as it might go, you know, other places. And his reply to me saying, I'm John Green was, who is that? And I was like, I'm with my friend.
And I named him my friend. And he was like, he was like, and I was like, and he said, I could come in here. And he was like, oh, you can come in here. It's just that that food is for the players.
And I was like, who is that? Who is that though? Oh, and essentially every day in the years since that happened to me, I have spent at least 30 or 40 seconds feeling regret about that whole interaction. Well, I'm glad to know that about you.
I'm sorry that that happened to you, but we all have those moments, don't we? I don't have that we all have those moments. I'm not alone in this in this shame and horror anyway. Let's move on to another question from our listeners.
All right. This one's from Kate who asks your hand, John, I'm currently watching the Olympic swim trials and wondering when you swim that vigorously, do you sweat like normal and not notice it because the pool is watching it off? Or does the pool cool you down enough that you don't need to sweat? I'm hoping it's the latter because it makes it less gross when they put the water in their mouths.
Oh, I bet you sweat. You do sweat. I'm so good at science. Tell me more.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's very interesting to like you can't notice that you're sweating because there's no actual physical sensation of like sweat came out. And now I feel that you feel the sweat on you, but if you're covered in water, then you don't feel the sweat. So yeah, you do sweat. And it's funny because you're like technically your body doesn't need to sweat because it's obviously not going to help you at all.
But you might have any way of knowing that you're submerged in water. So it's still it's like you are hotter than you should be. I will try to cool you off. And this is the technique I have for trying to cool you off, even though it fails immediately.
So yeah, you sweat and swimming pulls have sweated them. And when you put something in your mouth, some of it sweat. And it's okay. Except that probably not for John.
I mean, it's not ideal for me, but I understand that I'm not coming at it from a place of reason. Let's move on to other questions. This one's from Teresa with the subject line, Hope Exists as a Velociraptor. Dear John and Hank, the school year has ended, and still I'm wondering about a strange rule my English teacher had.
According to her, the words is, are, was, and were provide no meaning and therefore should be eliminated from language. However, I think the phrase, Hope Exists as the Thing with Feathers does not have the same ring to it as Hope is the Thing with Feathers. Please help convince my teacher that the words is, are, was, and were, are, whoops, not the incarnation of evil itself. So Hank, oh, got John John.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You went for the science question first. So I want to have my go at the grammar question. Okay.
Your teacher is dumb. I think you mean your teacher exists as an incorrect thing in the world. Sorry. Yes.
Quite. This seems ludicrous to me, like deeply, deeply ludicrous, especially for an English teacher to say. Yeah, I think I know what's going on, but I strongly agree with you that it is ludicrous. Now, there are languages that do not have those to be verbs in them.
It's just that English is not one of them. And we aren't going to change that because so much of the way we communicate involves to be verbs. And that's okay. And it's not, not the incarnation of evil itself.
I think what may be going on is that your teacher was trying to discourage you or your fellow students from using the passive voice in your writing. But that is not actually a matter of removing all to be verbs from your vocabulary. It's just a matter of not using the passive voice. Hope is the thing with feathers, not an example of the passive voice.
So yeah, your teacher is definitely 100% wrong that all to be verb should be removed from English, at least in my opinion. And also, I think, in the opinion of Emily Dickinson. And really, I'm pretty sure every English language novel I've ever read. But I also think, by the way, that there are times when the passive voice is perfectly justifiable or even a good idea.
So yeah, don't, yeah, that's it. Usually I fall, I fall on the side of English teachers, especially when it comes to students complaining that reading a book critically is quote killing it or destroying it for me or whatever. But in this case, I have to side with the student in favor of to be or not to be, but having some kind of to be verb in your vocabulary. All right, the ability to be I'm also in favor of the ability to be John, because sometimes you stop being and that's awful, because it's the end then.
You're just trying to work death back into the podcast so that this can still be a comedy podcast about death. But don't worry, I promise to work it in more organically into the next question. All right, John, I look forward to you working death into this question. Dear Hank and John, my friend and I recently got into a debate about the correct way to wear a wristwatch.
I was difficult to say. I argued that the face of the watch should be on the top of the wrist. She says that it's easier to glance at the face if it's on the bottom of your wrist, which is correct. Is there a reason for wearing it one way or the other?
Does it really not matter at all, John? Work death into that one. Well, I mean, it doesn't matter at all in the sense that, you know, nothing that we do matters, because death is going to swallow all of us in the end and everything that we do will be forgotten by the sands of time. So I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about your wristwatch being this way or that when, you know, ultimately to say that it isn't going to matter is a dramatic understatement, because none of it's going to matter.
Right. Well, I also agree that it doesn't matter. It's strange to me because I never thought about it, but yeah, it does seem a little more natural to look at the inside of your wrist, like in terms of arm position, it requires a little less torque. But I would also say that most of the time the wristwatch is on the top, so that, you know, I think maybe so that when you layer arm down, it lays flat against a table because you don't tend to layer arm down with the top down.
And also, if you have a fancy watch, you want people to see it because you spent a lot of money on it. Oh, I thought the, I thought the question was, should I put my watch upside down because then I don't have good spatial intelligence. I don't really understand this question. I'm so like the person looking at you can read it, like the person standing in front of you can read it up right side up because that's definitely, that's definitely the wrong way to watch.
I think it's like eating a Reese's. I don't really think there is necessarily a wrong way to wear a watch. Although in saying that, I realize immediately that there are a bunch of wrong ways to wear a watch. Like for instance, if you wear it around your ankle, right?
Don't wear it around your ankle. Don't wear it on the inside of your digestive tract. That would be bad. Oh man.
Oh, that would be, that would be not ideal. All right. It's been a lot of fun in games here. Let's tackle a serious question.
Okay. This one comes from Marwa who asks, Dear John and Hank, what do you do when you feel like you are not yourself, like you're watching your life play out in hindsight or like you're watching a movie and only finding out about the decisions that quote unquote you took from the movie? I know that sounds like insanity, but how do you stop yourself thinking something when the thing you want to stop and the thing you want to stop it with are the same. Oh, this is actually, I think a big, fascinating, difficult question and something that I struggle with all the time and that not to spoil anything I'm writing about every day.
How do you even understand yourself to be you or yours when you are not in control of your thoughts or your feelings or the actions of your body? Like when you talk about you, what do you even mean when the thoughts that are quote unquote yours don't feel like they belong to you or the body that is quote unquote yours doesn't feel like it belongs to you? Like how do you make sense of that? And I think the only answer that I have is that it is extremely complicated, but that I don't think it's uncommon to feel like you are not in control of the thoughts that you have been told are yours, you know?
Yeah, I we the I've also been thinking a lot about this interestingly. I recently gave a humorous talk, but one of the one of the I also like to like when I'm just making jokes, I like to mix in a little bit of like, Oh, I hadn't thought about that before, but there's that phrase I think it's Victor Hugo, nothing is as powerful as an idea whose time has come and I was talking about that phrase and and the wonderful thing about it is that it takes the agency out of the people and it gives it to the idea itself that gives us to this this conception that yes requires a human brain in order to express itself, but has power external to any individual human and you cannot stop it in the phrase like it says on its own like the person itself like the person having the idea is not the powerful thing and indeed is powerless next to the power of the idea and I think that we have this myth in our culture that we are all individuals and that we make all of these decisions and that we have this like and yes we do make decisions and we do construct ourselves, but to some extent like we are very much a product of the things that we you know have been told and the people in our lives and and we all construct that for each other and I think it's I find it helpful to recognize that that is a thing and that I am not just me I am a creation that has I'm a creation that that I like my consciousness has been involved in creating but that has also been created by all of the things that I have consumed and all of the people that I have known and and I'm you know my parents and the people that I love yeah it's very much a both and proposition to me consciousness in general that consciousness is both something that is within and something that is without and it's for me at least like in accepting that there's a measure of freedom there's also I mean I want to emphasize that you know both Hank and I come at this from a very like thinking about consciousness from a very particular and in like lots and lots of different ways very privileged position but but for me being able to to say I'm not in control of these thoughts and I don't want to be having them is is very just being able to acknowledge that is a kind of empowering for me that way I don't have to be held responsible for every thought that comes across my bow you know and in the times in my life when I felt like I did have to be responsible for every thought that came across my bow it was very difficult because a lot of times I don't like the thoughts that I'm having or I don't feel like I'm in control of them and you know I think for me at least like acknowledging like yes I am an individual but I'm also like within a big complicated endless nexus of cultures and consciousnesses that are all interacting both inside of me and outside of me there was there's some freedom in that and it also makes me feel a little bit less less like I'm you know crazy for lack of a better term but yeah I also I mean look if you if you feel if you start to feel like you're really not in control of of your consciousness or your thoughts or feelings the other thing that I would say is that it's important to talk about that with somebody who's a professional and who knows a lot more about that than Hank or John so I think that's the other thing that's been helpful in my own life when I've when I felt like that as I often do excellent I have another question that I really want to get to because I think that it's important and I am an expert on this it's from River who asked Steer Hank and John I live on the southwest coast of Oregon and since I was young I've been told to be prepared for the big one which is a large earthquake that we are overdue for this would also cause a devastating tsunami my question is I happen to be walking along the beach when this earthquake strikes should I swim out far into the ocean before the tsunami strikes assuming that I have no chance of reaching higher ground should I accept my watery demise or attempt to avoid the tsunami much like boats do by sailing out into the ocean River do not swim out into the ocean I have a one sentence piece of advice when the tsunami is coming do not attempt to swim two miles out into the ocean and then swim back yeah there there so if you feel the earthquake and I do want to give this advice to everyone in the coast of the Pacific Northwest or anywhere where there may be a tsunami you have anywhere from five to 30 minutes to get to a safe place you do not know how long it's going to take so it is perfectly possible that you could walk at a leisurely pace up a hill and survive you don't not know how big the tsunami is going to be you do not know how long it's going to take to get there you don't know if there's going to be a tsunami at all but if you see if you feel an earthquake and you're walking along a beach you go climb up that hill and you do it now so hink when river says that the big one is overdue and is coming any day is that true well it depends on what you mean by any day but yes there will be someday another very large earthquake that hits the Pacific Northwest and there hasn't been one in a very very long time and in the geological record so when you say very large you mean like terrifyingly bad yeah like large worse than hurricane Katrina bad oh jesus and it will be very very bad and and you know the people in the Pacific Northwest are working on systems to make it less bad and like there are a lot of people who live in the tsunami zone and it will be very bad so know your evacuation routes and and know where the the nearest highest ground is and head there and if you're if you get stuck in traffic get out and walk okay so today's podcast is brought to you no joke by Hank's disaster preparedness plan Hank's disaster preparedness plan do not swim out into the ocean sea-high ground immediately Hank is not kidding he is very serious about this this is not a joke uh yeah okay i agree i was recently in Oregon and i was walking on the beach and i was like boy if i the other thing to know is if you see the water getting sucked out uh like suddenly water you're like why suddenly the water all gone that's a very bad sign and you should climb a tree um because you do not have a lot of time and so i've just spent some time in Oregon recently and i always think about tsunamis when i'm on that coast oh man who's the one who's preoccupied with apocalyptic worry used to be me but the shoe is suddenly on the other foot Hank who else has brought us the podcast today the podcast was also brought to you by the sweat and the swimming pool a good old fashioned swimming pool sweat it's in there delicious not even to mention the pee which is also in there and of course today's podcast is brought to you by shades of brown shades of brown now including red and yellow and orange and finally this podcast is brought to you by other kinds of powders other kinds of powders definitely not a euphemism for working in a cocaine factory good old other powders what's the other powder what is i mean i'm trying to imagine a non-cocaine factory explanation for Emily's life right i imagine that Emily it works in a bakery and that there's cornstarch and that there's powdered sugar and that cornstarch is not a powder and powdered sugar is not really a powder i mean it's in the name john i don't know i'm very concerned about this situation it's powder sugar it is abd is definitely a powder i mean if there is anything that i cannot imagine i am not going to let you get away with that there is nothing more powder like the powdered sugar i don't know why i got so angry this episode of your Hank and John is brought to you by shopify there are a lot of things that stand between i have an idea and this is an idea that actually exists in the world and people are buying things from me and that is what shopify makes it easier when you start with shopify the tools to design and launch and take payments they're all there from day one you don't have to build a whole machine before you can start building the business and this is important because you also have to like look good and with shopify's templates you could get a site set up really quick that looks credible and professional without needing to code or duct tape a bunch of different tools together and when things look real that works on my brain to be like i'm doing a real thing it also works on other people's brains to be like this is legitimate shopify also has one of the best checkout systems on the internet it's built to help customers finish the purchase effectively and efficiently without a bunch of roadblocks returning customers can check out with a single click that means less friction and fewer abandoned carts and a smoother experience for everybody that stuff gives you confidence early on and it gives other people confidence in what you're doing you're not wondering whether the payment system is going to work you're not wondering whether customers can get through the process shopify 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supplies last until September 27th 2026 see website for more details okay before we get to the all important news from mars and the news from afc Wimbledon which I would just as soon skip to be honest with you let's get to a few responses from previous episodes the first most important thing I want to respect one one thing we've got a number of responses from is current employees of amazon several of them have written in to talk about how jeff bezos is indeed not referred to as a colleague or as a co-worker but as jeff for instance this letter came in from mark in your latest episode you talked about how everyone at amazon would probably call jeff jeff well i've worked at amazon for more than three years and can confirm that this is exactly the case so much so that i've been on a team where people call jeff bezos jeff and refer to the jeff who works 10 feet away by using his first and last name oh god oh man it's hard out there for the other jeffs another response from jamaal who says i'm active duty navy and currently stationed in japan there is an abundance of zemas here since hank is such a vehement fan i'm currently working out the legalities of international shipments of alcohol to montana what address can i send them to jamaal that's a great question and an extremely important one mostly because i want to see how hank actually feels about zima especially if you can manage to send 378 of them from japan uh by the way i will be more than happy to reimburse you for those 378 zemas unfortunately our only address is a p-o box because otherwise you'd have to send it to our house however i'm gonna let you know what our p-o box is it is p-o box 30152 indianpolis indianpolis 46230 and you can either address that to uh john green or to hank green or just to uh zima lovers everywhere i'm surprised no you can't send 378 zemas from a nadie base in japan to indianpolis that just doesn't seem right yeah the the logistics john logistics so we have an p-o box is what you're saying to me right now we do we have an actual p-o box where you can send us 378 of anything please no less and also no more p-o box 30152 indianpolis indianpolis 46230 speaking of which we heard from a listener named rachel who uh used to live outside of the big league two factory or something like that uh or her friend does and they have and they like give out if you like knock on the door of the big league two factory they give out big league two rejects and so john you said you wanted three hundred somebody in packets of big league two apparently rachel has the inside track on that so rachel hey rachel if you can hook me up i would be very very grateful i can't tell you how much i enjoyed big league two or at least how much i enjoyed it when i last tried it in 1984 yeah i i think that uh i think that we can say to rachel absolutely if you also want to send us a bill for the shipping we'll handle it for you yes correct um although i don't want to go down the road hank of offering to pay for 378 anything because it seems like a dangerous dangerous game uh all right one last response uh this one came in from annie who wrote i have an idea for the listener who wondered what to do with her middle school writings when i was a senior in college my roommate and i joked about how terribly we'd written when we were younger and we pulled up essays we'd turned in as freshman and laughed uproariously at the quality of our work which gave us the idea for the greatest party ever we held a middle school poetry slam and asked our friends to bring their favorite and or worst writings from when they were younger that is indeed a wonderful idea and uh i think that's that's one to hold on to that's a great idea i love that i think we should do that on the vlogbrothers channel mmm i'm gonna argue against that let's move on to the news from ours and afc one with a hank i should probably go first we'll get this over as fast as possible afc one with a three games into their lead one season they have won no games but also uh they have tied no games um that's not good it's not good it's not going great uh we just lost a scunthorp uh also lost to bolton um and before that lost to walsall also lost to peterborough in the football league cup which is a separate competition so we're out of that competition uh four games so far this season zero points sitting last in the league one table now one could argue that the three teams that have beaten us are all in the top seven of the league one table alternately one could argue that one of the reasons they're in the top seven is because they've all played afc Wimbledon very very nervous start to the season here one piece of comfort if we just won one of those three games we would be sitting 14th but we didn't so we're sitting in last i'm sorry that does not sound great well life is long and so is a season he said vaguely hopeful what's the news for mars and and also a little worried you're gonna have to go through a whole season of this what's the news for mars all right the news for mars is that uh getting to mars is hard uh the trip that we've done one long term fairly long term trip uh to another place and that was to the moon and you can do that in a little box because it's just a few days to get there uh so they the people who went to the moon they just sat in the basically the little thing that they shot them up on the rocket with but you cannot do that to mars because it takes at minimum six months to get there and then another six months to get back so you need space you need space for astronauts to move around to do their research to exercise and also to store all the stuff that they need so nasa has just launched the next step two program which asks six different companies to design and prototype deep space habitats and they have budget i think 65 million dollars to divide amongst these companies to design those habitats each company's each company has a different set of skills so each habitat will have different capabilities and usefulness is a big little aerospace for example specializes in light weight inflatable habitats so they can like launch up this thing and then just fill it with air and it becomes you know a place where people can spend some time um and one of those was recently tested on the international space station so it's a thing that works uh so if we ever want to get to mars we need a place to live in while we're going there and nasa is taking a big step in that direction to get us there before 2028 that was a terrible bet yeah i mean you said about as confident in getting there before 2028 as i sound about AFC we've been seizing at the moment uh hard times for lovers of mars and or the world's greatest third tier soccer team but uh you know hope is the thing with feathers or hope exists as the thing with feathers it does it exists that way hey what did we learn today john we learned that well i learned that you shouldn't use a humidifier if you have asthma which is a thing i didn't know yeah that's that's helpful i also learned that the us mint does not make any hundred dollar bills or for that matter any bills they only make coins which is why they are called a mint maybe i could have put that together myself you would think no no i need a help um we also learned that that apparently there are many many many shades of brown uh and no shades of red they're all just shades of brown no there are many shades of red they're just fall within the larger category of brown and and we learned that zima still exists in japan which fills me with hope that one day hank will be forced to drink 378 zemas to try to prove that he actually likes zima only to find out that in fact he doesn't and of course we learned that despite the fact that neither of us care or are able to implement this advice uh as long as the sun is up you could say have a good day and any time after five you could say have a good night i don't say any time after four i know i know i think it's very fluid and there's a lot of overlap and i just think that no one should no one should cause any ruckus either way because it's very hard to keep all this stuff straight john it's too much it's just so hard to be a human let's just try whenever possible to be careful of each other and kind to each other unless it's 1202 in which case you got to say it's it's 1202 other restraints are running still it still bugs me but i'm glad it now bugs you as well thanks to everyone who listened to our podcast by the way you can go to our patreon patreon.com slash deer hank and john if you want to support this podcast directly uh and thanks as always to my actual corporate sponsor Snickers i mean you can say that you can say i guess you can say that i guess you should still eat those free Snickers hoping that there's more on the way um but yeah thanks for listening uh nichos jakins and it's this podcast called him or Alice is our intern Rosie on a horse rohan uh helps us out with the questions our theme music is by the great goner rolla check out his youtube channel uh or any of his songs and uh Hank did i miss anything no i think he got everything oh well our email address our email address is hankandjanajino.com you can email us your questions you can also send them to us on twitter where john is john green and i am hank green i'm also on snapchat it's hank jerry and as they say in our hometown don't forget to be awesome