#78: Going Into Public with Confidence

As we dig into the content of this particular episode - please keep in mind that these situations are SO nuanced.  So please take what we are sharing and consider how it applies to you.  What we share will not work for everyone in every situation.   #1 - Clearly End the Affair -    Our first suggestion for regaining confidence and to be able to go back out into the community with your head high is to consider utilizing a technique from I Don't Love You Anymore (link below).  In the book, Dr. Clarke suggests that the betrayer (with his wife on the line) calls the affair partner to verbally and officially end things.  This is something Jason and I did with several of his AP's and it was incredibly validating and honoring for me and it also gave me confidence as I went back out into the world.   #2 - Make a Choice + Take Back Your Power -    Next, we talk about making a choice + taking back our power.  Specifically, we think it's important for you to make a choice about who needs to know about this and who doesn't need to know about it.  And once that choice is made - remind yourself that NONE of these people (whether they know or don't know) have power over you.   Jason makes a great point - once those people know, we can start to relinquish control of the narrative.  We have made the decision and we can surrender the rest.  Head held high.  (And remind yourself that what others think is nothing for you to be concerned with.)  Reputation is something we have very little to no control over but our character is what we want to focus on and what we can control.  So again, surrendering our reputation and surrendering control of the narrative.   We talk briefly about shame and this is probably something we need to dive into a bit more here on the podcast - how shame impacts her (we covered shame for him in episode #7, see link below).  For now, practice an awareness of the role that shame plays and how it impacts your confidence when you go out in public.  Keep in mind the antidote to shame is intimacy so naming it and then talking about it are key.   #3 - Have a Plan -    Something that helped me years ago was to imagine this happening (a run in) and having a plan for what I would or would not say.  I also had to lean into what was going to be an incredibly awkward situation and let it be awkward (as much as we don't want things to be awkward).   #4 - Embrace this as an Invitation for Greater Healing -    Give yourself permission to take baby steps.  Start by going to your mailbox and celebrate that win.  Go through a drive through and give yourself a ton of compassion.  Build off of those baby steps and keep stretching yourself.  And all the while, know that this, too, will cultivate character and growth in YOU.   Jason then shares two things that he wants men to know:  if you bump into the AP - RUN.  Literally.  As he said so well - you can't leave any space for questions.  And as quickly as you leave, you quickly tell your wife.  Don't not say anything and definitely don't think you are protecting her by not saying anything.  Not true.  You are protecting you when you choose not to say anything.  The end.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. We mention episode #54 - Fearing Attractive Women at the top of the episode.  You can listen to that here. A book we reference a ton and did again in this episode - I Don't Love You Anymore by Dr. David Clarke.  If you haven't read this book, and especially if you lack confidence to say to your husband - this is not okay - I highly encourage you give this book a read. For the episode on Biblical Shame - check out #7 - Toxic Shame and Biblical Shame. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.