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Tickets go on sale to the general public June 30th at somethingworthknowing.com. So come build a better world with us on September 16th and experience something worth knowing you can get your ticket at complexly.info slash something. Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. There's that birthday that you're Joan and Hank.
It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers, we will answer your questions, give you a advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and Hey John, my brother, how are you doing? Hank, I'm doing great. It's a beautiful day here in Indianapolis. Spring has sprung.
What did he come and say? Spring is like a perhaps hand. There's buds on the trees, hope, newness. I'm a little stressed out to be completely honest with you but there's no use in talking about that.
The only thing that we should talk about is spring and how there are flowers and hope. Yeah, we're going to look at the parts of the plants that are new and not gray and they're coming out and not think about all the troubles of the world. There are so many troubles of the world, John. I'm not even sure I'm going to make my video about this week because I feel overwhelmed by the troubles of the world.
But maybe I should just make my video about spring and about little pieces of plants that are not the color of death. I do want to say, so I'm going to Amsterdam for VidCon. Great city. And I've never been to Amsterdam and I know that you've spent a lot of time in Amsterdam and that you like it a lot.
Did you know that in April, the entire city of Amsterdam becomes entirely booked and that you should probably, probably, I don't know, life pro tip from an adult to other adults. I don't know book your hotel more than two weeks in advance because last night I was sitting in a panic as I realized that literally it says on Expedia, it's like 98% of hotel rooms in Amsterdam are booked. And I was like, that's not real right. And then one after the other after the other, these hotels literally have no rooms.
So I got a hotel room in Amsterdam, John. It might not be the best one, but it was certainly expensive. Yeah, no, it is kind of the time of year to go to Amsterdam. There's the spring snow as they call it, falling out of the trees, the Epen, beautiful like flowers basically coating the city and also the weather's nice.
It's just lovely. And we should say that there will be tickets available to VidCon Amsterdam at the door if you're in Amsterdam or thereabouts and want to come to VidCon Europe, please do. And other than that, Hank, the only other thing I wanted to say on that topic was that since you have never been to Amsterdam before, I really hope you go back and listen to the episode of the podcast where I gave advice to that tourist who was going to Amsterdam about what they should see because there's no way I'm going through it with you again just because you're my brother. I appreciate that.
I've gotten a fair good amount of advice, I think, but there's certainly a lot to see. When I go to visit to do city, I almost always like the thing that I want to do is just walk around. And I know it's a great city for walking. Yeah, I almost enjoy that more than like going to the gardens or the museums.
I just like to see people living the lives in the way that is familiar but different than the way that I live my life and my town and the things that are familiar and the things that are different, allowing me to sort of see humanity more. So it's not like I see a new humanity differently. It's just like it becomes more clear that we are us and I get to watch it happen. Do you have a short poem for us today, John?
Hank, what I'm going to do is I'm going to read you half of a poem about spring by E.E. Cummings. That's going to make it short. I'm just going to read the second half.
That's my strategy. I'm sure that he won't mind. Well, he won't mind because he died in 1962. Spring is like a perhaps hand in a window carefully to and fro moving new and old things while people stare carefully moving a perhaps fraction of flower here placing an inch of air there and without breaking anything.
I like it. Nice little E.E. Cummings stands up about spring. Yeah, stands up.
I'm so excited for spring. Hank, let's answer some questions from our beloved listeners. Can I start? Oh, sure.
All right. This question comes from Cormac who asks, Dear John and Hank, I've long been unhappy with my signature with it just being my name clumsily inconsistently written in the curse of writing I stopped using at the age of 12. Adults seem to have lovely consistent yet illegible signatures. I've now become paranoid as I approach adulthood that I've missed some important event whereupon I was supposed to gain a lovely signature of my own.
I figured you two have had your fair share of signatures and have lovely flowing ones. I can't get a lovely flowing one. I'm not sure that I have a lovely flowing one as such. Anyway, so I'm seeking urgent help for my growing mini crisis.
Memento Vobis, a cideré Cormac. Possibly Cormac. John, have you ever in your life consciously changed your signature? Like did you have that?
Oh, yes. Okay. Like you thought about it and you're like, I'm going to have it. So I had this signature.
I was I did develop a signature when I was in high school. And the idea was the signature would be all acute angles, no curves, just very acute angles. And I drew the O as a kind of a diamond and everything was extremely acute in its angling. And that was my signature even after looking for Alaska was published.
If you find the first like few hundred books I signed, it looks like that. It's a very small, really, very legible, weirdly acute angled series of letters. And then slowly over time, I developed a new signature called the J Scribble that is just a J followed by a scribble. I want to see this old signature.
Oh, man. It's yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'll try to I'll try to dig one up for you. I know Eileen Cooper has one my mentor because she has the first book I ever signed, but I don't know.
I don't know how you would find them exactly. I did just find an amazing picture of someone who took your signature and drew and this has happened a number of times where people will take the signature that you signed in a book and then turn it into something and this person has turned it into some kind of water bird, which is lovely. But yes, John, you do have you do have the J Scribble. And it's almost more famous than you are at this point.
But what I want to say to Cormac is this tends to be something that happens accidentally unless you're really sort of obsessed with yourself, which is what happened to me. And I sat there at my job where I worked in a laboratory after college and I hated my signature because it was small and it was as you say, it was basically how I wrote in cursive when I turned 12 and that was as far as I knew about cursive. And this is a problem for a lot of people right now because we don't write in cursive anymore because we don't have to because cursive speeds up writing but not nearly as much as typing. So we don't really know how to write in cursive and so we don't really adapt our cursive handwriting beyond what we're taught in elementary school, even if that's taught at all anymore, which I don't know.
So you have to kind of have to develop a signature now. You have to do it on your own. You have to have an idea and be like, I'm going to do this thing. Now, you also have to go to the bank and like resubmit a signature card and be like, I have a new signature now, which is weird if you use checks and stuff and have to have your checks work.
Because I did do this and they were like, that's not your signature and I was like, it is now anyway. Oh my god. This is an extremely embarrassing story, Hank. This is way more embarrassing than my acute ankle signature.
Oh no, I completely agree. I completely agree that it's embarrassing. But I did develop a new signature and I did it just like one letter at a time and like I did a bunch of different ones and then I did a bunch of times and I changed my signature and I and glad I did it but I am embarrassed that I did it. Oh yeah, no, I'm extremely embarrassed on your behalf.
Both of those things can be true though, right? Yeah. I mean, here's the thing, Cormac. It doesn't really matter that much.
I don't think you should be too hard on yourself because in the end, if your signature is legible, I actually think that's cooler than if your signature is illegible. So I would stick with your current legible signature and just kind of own it. Own that 12 year old cursive as yours and you'll find that it becomes yours. My signature has gone through one other layer of simplification, Hank, now that I'm actually googling it and looking at old signatures, which is that I used to have a very distinctive H.
I used to have essentially a J, no O, a distinctive H, and then a scribble. And I have eliminated that H because it was a wasted keystroke. You can design a lot of books. Yeah.
Well, enough the other thing that I will say about signatures is that these like you don't end up with a signature because you came up with it one day usually and like my signature has certainly changed since I quote unquote developed it while I was skeething off from work. But like you just if you do it a bunch of times, it starts to take on a different shape and it starts a little more flowy and your hand decides what to do. And yeah, so just sit there with a piece of paper, do a bunch of times and maybe move your hand a little bit more than you normally would. And eventually you'll be like, that looks like a signature.
Okay, I think we've probably plumbed the depths. I think it's a legitimate problem that we needed to address and I'm glad that we did. This question is from Caleb and I've been wanting to hit this one because we've gotten this question in multiple different forms over the years and I'm glad over the years. Oh, the years of us doing this podcast.
Caleb asks, do you hear Hank and John? On a recent episode of the pod, you mentioned how we Americans waste a tremendous amount of water flushing toilets unnecessarily. I mean, that's not the biggest way that we waste water to be clear. The biggest way that we waste water is lawns.
Why is that bad? I always hear that conserving water is good for the environment, but isn't all that water just going down the drain useful or not being reintroduced to the environment eventually and resuming its course in the hydrological cycle? Is the energy it required slash carbon footprint of moving the water into the house? Is that what's the problem?
Would peeing in the trees behind my house be a better alternative to flushing every time I use the toilet, narwhals and spatulas? Caleb. Oh gosh. Yes.
Well, let me just start because this is Hank's area of expertise, not mine, but let me just start with your last question first, which is that yes, you should always pee in the trees behind your house rather than peeing in a toilet. Well, you know, it's settled then. Caleb, John has your answer for you. Get out in your backyard.
Don't mind the neighbors and water some trees. No, but Caleb, just so you understand, like I didn't understand this until I was like 33 years old and Hank explained it to me. The water in the toilet is the same as the water that you drink. Like it has been treated in the exact same process.
I did not know that, Hank. I thought that like there were two kinds of water. I had no idea that the water that we put on our lawns to water our lawns is like the exact same as the water that comes out of my tap because that seems ludicrously inefficient. Yeah, well, it turns out that it's actually efficient because running two sets of pipes to a house would be much would be twice as hard as running one set of pipes to a house.
So that's the in the vast majority of places that's the way that it gets done. There are some places that use a different water for watering, but usually those are like large consumers like college campuses or something like that. So the yeah, the Sitch is that one that there are two really good reasons to conserve water. One is that it's not infinite and that we use more water than is in a lot of places.
We use more water than is currently being resupplied to the area and we do that by bringing water out of underground lakes called aquifers and those aquifers run out of water eventually. Like they are not like they are not refilling as fast as we are dropping pumping water out of them. So that's a scary thing. The vast majority of the reason why is not residential consumption though.
That is a piece of the pie. The big consumer is agriculture for the most part. So making food for us to eat, but residential consumption especially in city areas is a really big part of aquifers depletion. The other thing is that yes, it is energy.
It is fossil fuels that are used to pump water around the world. They have to get it so that comes out of your tap and that's usually done by pumping water up into something that has some elevation and then let gravity do that work. That's what water towers are. So you have to pump the water up into the water tower and then it falls out of the water tower and that pressure is what pushes it out of your tap.
And then once it goes out of your tap and it gets flushed down into the pipes, you have to pump it back up so that it can then flow down to the sewage treatment plant unless you have a septic system. So there's a huge amount of energy that goes into moving water around, treating that water so that it is potable and then treating it once it's dirty again so that it can be put into the rivers without it being too dirty to go into the water supply. So lots of energy goes into that process. In fact, in a recent vlog where there's a coal-fired power plant that just in the background when I was talking about Glen Canyon and that coal-fired power plant was built almost entirely to pump water from sort of Glen Canyon area to places where that water needs to be as part of the Central Arizona Project.
And a lot of places in California, the water has to get pumped over mountains for Los Angeles to have enough water for its residents and that is very hugely energy intensive process because if you ever lift it a five gallon bucket of water, you know how much it weighs and that is what has to get happened with every five gallons of water that gets consumed in California. So that's a situation and yes, you should be careful about how much water you consume. Specifically, you should pee in the woods. Or just, but you know, doesn't have to be in the woods.
Just wherever. Or alternately, just hold it. I don't know if there's any signs behind the tank but I find sometimes that if I hold it for long enough, I stop having to go. Wow, that definitely works with poo.
It's never worked for me with pee. All right, well, I'm just telling you. I think that there's something there. This next question comes from Devin Hank who writes Dear John and Hank.
I love my solution to the water crisis. This is just hold it. Anyway, Dear John and Hank, I have a pet snake. I've had him for about six months now and everything's going fine.
However, my dad does not know that I have a pet snake. I still live at home right now until I go to college this fall, but I'm not sure how my dad will react to the snake. I'm 18, but he did tell me not to get a pet snake while I was still in the house. He'll probably learn about the secret snake when I'm packing up to go to college if not sooner.
My question is how would you react if your child got a pet? You told them not to get and then hit it from you for several months. The FDA, Devin, how big is your house that you're able to have a secret snake? Oh, man.
Okay. Also, also, why are you going to tell your dad about the snake? Yeah. Like you've lied for so long.
Just keep lying. You know this question reminded me of Hank. When I was in high school, I had a friend who shall remain nameless who grew pot in his bathroom. Like he had grow lights in the bathtub in his bathroom.
And it worked for like seven months. And then eventually, like one day his father was like, I need to go to the bathroom. And was like, why is it so bright in here? And he pulled back the shower curtain and like there was this like, you know, medium sized marijuana growing operation.
I actually disagree with you, Hank. I think that Devin needs to tell his father about the snake post-taste. No, no, Devin needed to tell his father about the snake before he got the snake. But there is an end in sight.
And all like, all you have to do is make it to the end. And then you will not have had to have lied. It will just it will be all if you can make it to college with the snake. Then you basically it's basically like you never did it.
Right. No, but I think the issue is that like when they're packing up to go to college, it's going to be like Devin and dad packing the car. And then at the very end, Devin's going to be like, well, dad, um, I, well, can you just, it's good to see you. Can you go out for about an hour and then I'll leave for college?
Yes. No, look, this is a perfect opportunity for Devin who is a person who is coming into their own as and like learning how to problem solve in big and difficult ways to problem solve in a big and difficult way. What are the potential ways to get that snake to school without dad seeing it? Can you like wrap it up in a carpet?
Can you ship it ahead? Can you get a second car? Can you like have a friend with an illicit car? How far is college?
Can you just set like, can you just like wrap the snake around your belly with like an ace bandage and just make it into a aquarium once you get there? Yeah. Yeah. What is like, you had there has to be a solution.
And then, and then if dad finds if dad finds out about it, then it dad is at least like, well, I see that you have gone through links to, and I'm impressed by your ability to try and keep this secret from me. Good job with the lies, son. No, no, no. You're approaching this in completely the wrong way, Hank.
The right thing to do in this situation. All right. Stick with me for a second here. You let the snake out in the house, okay?
You let the snake out in the house at a time when you know your father is going to be around. Like, let's say you let it out in the kitchen. And then like maybe 15, 30 minutes later, you hear a scream and it's your dad. And you come into the kitchen and you're like, what's up dad?
And he's like, there's a snake in the house. And you're like, oh, no, that's terrible. I'll catch it. I'll get it.
And then you catch the snake. And then you say, you know what dad, what if I just kept the snake? I mean, this seems like a dangerous prospect for the snake, John. Like, what are the chances that that devons dad doesn't scream and instead just like grabs a hammer?
I guess that's a good point. I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought of the snake murder issue. Okay.
Alternate. Alternately. It depends on your dad, Devon. Alternately.
What if you go to your dad? This is a strategy that I use a few times in my own adolescents. What if you go to your dad with something really big and then say, just kidding, I got a snake, you know? Right.
Like, what if you go to your dad and say, you know how we've been planning for that big trip and I'm going to make the college? This whole time I've been lying. I didn't get into college. Yeah.
And I'm really sorry. And that's going to be like, oh, no, this is a disaster. And then you can be like, just kidding. I got a snake.
I'm going to college and the snake's coming with me. And I'm going to college. You don't know that happened. No, that happened.
Everything's fine. It's everything. It worked out better than expected. It has to be.
It has to be more than I didn't get into college. It's like, instead of I've decided instead of going to college, I'm going to go be trying like try my hand and becoming a professional Pokemon Go player or yeah, because I'm just going to stop here there if I can and just point out that playing Pokemon Go for a living is a completely legitimate career. And if you want to do your life, I support you 100%. Not actually, not if you're my child.
I just want to be clear. If you're listening to this podcast in the future and you think this is it means that's okay for you to play Pokemon Go for not you, other people's kids. Yeah. All right.
Well, I think that I think we've created a bunch of different potential options for Devin and he's going to have to choose which brothers path to go here. But I'm not backing down. And I think that this like can be maintained through through college admissions. Do you remember the person who wanted to learn how to play the fiddle and then spring it upon their whole family?
Yeah. That's a good lie. I wish that they could meet up with Devin and maybe like do the background music when Devin's doing the big reveal to Devin's dad or maybe that person can just show up while they're packing the car and then start playing fiddle and Devin's dad gonna be like, who is this person who's playing the fiddle in my driveway? And just like, like, move the snake into the car.
Yeah, perfect. All right. Hank, what you ask a question? Okay, I have one.
This question is from Olivia who asks Dear Hank and John, I'm a senior in college and I've always struggled with the balance between pushing myself to become better and being comfortable with who I am. I think it's important to strive for self improvement. But there are some parts of me that I'd like to accept as just who I am. For example, I'm an introvert, but I want to push myself to meet new people and do things that make me uncomfortable because I know that leads to rewarding experiences.
On the other hand, I also hope that even if the world favors extroverts, I can still succeed while being introverted and I shouldn't need to conform to certain societal standards. Thanks. Love the pod. It makes walk into class in the fridge and cold weather bearable.
Best wishes, Olivia. Olivia, I think being comfortable with who you are and being like comfortable are different like, completely different things. They're not related to each other. Like you can be like comfortable with who you are and still do things that are uncomfortable and you will be uncomfortable in those situations, but not because you're uncomfortable with you as a person.
I do lots of stuff that I dislike and that makes me uncomfortable, but I feel like I'm pretty good at actually knowing who I am and being comfortable with who I am. So if you think that something's going to lead to a rewarding experience, but you don't want to do it because you just don't want to do it, but you also recognize that there's a benefit to doing it, you have to decide whether the discomfort is worth the reward, which is sounds like it's exactly what you're doing. It sounds like you are comfortable with who you are and you are also trying to make decisions not just based on whether you're going to be happy in the moment when you make those decisions or when you do the thing, but also once you're going to be considering the potential effects of the decisions that you make beyond just how you're going to feel in that moment. And I argue that that shows a lot of self-awareness and I think you're doing a good job.
Yeah, I agree. I think it's important to stretch yourself, but also to take care of yourself. And that balance is like for me, like the great challenge of adulthood. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Doing things that you don't want to do that you have to do, making choices that you don't want to make, you know, like getting the thing done when you don't want to get it done. I think that that's one of the most valuable like things that a person can get good at. I agree. Let's answer another serious question, Hank, while we're on the serious question front.
All right. Okay, this question comes from Sam who writes, hello, John and Hank. My dad has a new girlfriend and she's amazing and sweet and a perfect fit to our family so far. The only thing is she uses offensive words.
I'm actually not even going to say the words, Hank, that are in this email because why would I? They're very hurtful words though about gay people and mentally disabled people. Sam goes on to write, I know words only have power if you give them power. I think that's not quite true.
But when she says these things, I can't help it feel gross inside as someone who is gay and has mentally disabled friends. I know the true power of those words. I just don't know if telling her to stop gives her words more power or if just leaving it alone makes them just words. Mangos and monkeys, Sam.
That's a tough one. Yeah, I would almost go to my dad first and say this, it's really hard for me. It's really hard for me to hear this person who's becoming part of our family say these things, not just because they're hurtful and kind of explain why they're hurtful. I know that can be really difficult to do, but I also think that the vast majority of the time when you explain to someone why the language they're using is hurtful, they stop.
Yeah, yeah. It can definitely feel like the first impulse is always going to be defensive for that person who's being confronted. And so it's important to recognize that and to try and make allowances for that and be like, yeah, I know that this kind of feels like an attack by like, here's the sitch. When I do think that John's right going to your dad is a good idea.
And it's also nice that this is the person that you like and that seems like a pretty cool person, except that maybe they just aren't aware that this is like that there are people out there who are going to be like really, maybe this person just isn't aware that it's a thing. And I think that frankly, a lot of us didn't know that. And we are all constantly learning and hopefully your dad's new girlfriend is going to be open to that learning. But I don't think it's necessarily something that you should just ignore.
But hopefully you have enough relationship with your dad that you could be like, hey, what do you think about this? Yeah, I think it's really hard to ignore when someone is using language that kind of dehumanizes you or takes away some of your personhood. And I don't think you should be expected to ignore it. But at the same time, I think, thanks, right, that people do.
They are going to feel defensive. But hopefully that's part of the learning process for them. And it's unfortunate that you're putting the situation where you have to stand up for yourself and for your friends. But yeah, it seems like that's the reality.
So I wish you luck. Can I ask another question? I'm very fond of this next one. All right.
So your podcast, it's not my podcast. You answered that question about the water cycle. It was fascinating. This question comes from Ryan who writes, Dear John and I, from where I'm currently sitting in my school's engineering building, I can hear a rather loud and emotional phone call between someone and their ex who are trying to be friends.
From what I can tell, it's not going well. I need some I have some advice that I would like to shut down the hall. But I am not sure if that's considered okay, please respond soon as shouted advice is clearly needed. Someone lying about their name, Ryan, the only reason I asked the question was because I thought your name was actually Ryan.
Oh, come on. I'll very frustrated. I got into the sign off before I chose to read the question. Anyway, Ryan, that is a terrible idea.
Yes. Yes. Do not shout advice to strangers in a school engineering building when they are going through a difficult time. That is extremely presumptuous.
You must always wait to be asked for advice before you offer it. You know, the only time I've ever shouted advice to people to a stranger, the only time is while driving and they can't hear me. And it's like, you shouldn't do that or use your turd signal. Like those are the shots that I shout at strangers.
You know, it's occurred to me just now that I actually shout advice at strangers every week while I'm watching soccer. Right. Yes. That's in fact, I spend most of my time watching soccer shouting advice to Liverpool football club players who I don't know.
Most sports viewing is shouting advice to sports players. I think that is the vast majority of what watching sports is. And sometimes here on Dear Hank and John, we shout advice to strangers. Like I could have I could shout right now.
Absolutely. But we are asking people who are asking us for advice. It's not like I overhear someone having an unpleasant phone conversation that they probably want to be having in private, but you know, they have a remade or whatever. So like the closest they can come to privacy is this their miserable study care in the engineering building.
And they're in the middle of the worst conversation they've ever had in their whole life. Like the thing you probably don't want to hear is like, you'll never successfully be friends with your ex. Just stop trying. It's not gonna work.
Okay. Seriously, no, it's probably not gonna work. I think we've done this one pretty well. This episode of Dear Hank and John is brought to you by Shopify.
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See website for more details. Well, this question comes from Brian who asks deer, it's not even Ryan Bryan. Deerhank and John. In Star Trek, it appears that most spaceships are owned by governments.
Whereas in Star Wars, the spaceship ownership seems to be more distributed with government governments owning some ships, companies owning ships and individuals having their own private spacecraft. Do you think in our future we'll follow more the Star Trek model and have large spaceships owned by governments or perhaps large corporations that probably like our mass trains or will it be more like Star Wars where individuals can buy their own private spaceships if they aren't John and actually one for one. Can we, we can assume of course that none of this would happen until 2028 or later. Life is life is life is a thing to do between periods of non-existence.
Brian. It's beautiful. Yeah, this is an interesting question. You know what it reminded me of?
It reminded me of my relationship with boats. Like maybe the future spacecraft, maybe in the future spacecrafts will be like boats where you know you want to have friends who own one but you don't want to own one yourself. Yeah, totally. It's like, it's like the worst, the worst purchase you've ever made is your boat and you just like and it just sits there in space dock.
Right. Because you know, it's more like I want to have a boat than I actually want to use. Like you think you're going to travel the galaxy but there's so many costs associated with the actual use of the spacecraft over and above the initial cost of the spacecraft and that's kind of a bummer and plus like you think you're going to be free on weekends but it turns out that like once your kids get to a certain age they've got soccer practice every weekend and like it's just it's really hard to get away from your life long enough to travel the galaxy. I could totally see that future.
Yeah. Yep. That's certainly like if we don't change dramatically as a culture which I don't like and as PCs. I don't really imagine that we will.
It does seem like we're more headed for a neither case where it's just like rich people have space boats but for the most part they they don't use them and they just sit there and they cost money. Yeah. Like the spaceboat market is like rich people but the people who actually like ride in the space boats are the sailors or whatever who run the ship that the rich person owns it rarely uses. It'll be like one of the situations where you'll be talking to somebody and you'll say so where do you spend the summers and they'll say well you know we've got a house on Mars but it's just we can never get away for longer than two weeks and it takes two weeks just to get there.
Oh man. I don't like our imagining of the future John. It's always the Star Trek model has always been really interesting to me because it's like wait did people get paid? Like is this their job or is this because the idea of Star Trek if you like look at the economics is it's very like a post-capitalist future where they're like people don't it's almost like they get some kind of universal basic income in the form of like energy credits and then but if you want to get it if you want to have a spaceboat you got to work for the United Federation of Planets you can't just like get a spaceboat.
Yeah I mean I feel really bad for the people of the future although hey can I just pause real quick to make a note of something sure it used to be that pessimism was my thing like that was my thing it was like the oblivion was coming for us and everything was darkness and blah blah blah that was mine and now I feel like everyone has taken it away from me and they've made it their thing and suddenly it's very cool and hit to be extremely pessimistic and to think that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and to think that you know everything's turning to crap. I'm a little annoyed by having had my thing taken away from me. I was pessimistic way before it was cool you know like I liked pessimisms early albums and it's annoying to me that now like pessimism is selling out these big stadium shows and it's not and it almost makes me want to be optimistic it almost makes me think that maybe pessimism was wrong all along. Well John I encourage you to switch sides but yeah it does kind of feel like that happened and I don't know it seems like since like November or something like I don't know it's like something dramatic changed and it's like something very weird happened in November in America and suddenly my pessimism is on it's like it's everywhere and I even feel like my pessimism is over exposed at this point you know what space ships are going to look like they're going to be awesome and they're going to be available to everyone they're going to cost like five bucks and they're going to travel faster than light and it's going to be great everything is going to be amazing the future is going to rule.
Today's podcast is brought to you by the awesome awesome future ruling. It's totally got a rule on that awesome future this podcast is also brought to you by Secret Snakes. Snakes secret snakes wrapped around Devin's middle with an ace bandage so his dad doesn't know that he's been lying for six months. I mean how do you have a secret snake for six months yeah once it's been that long just keep it a secret no I totally disagree with you I'm saying like but how on earth do you what like how do you make it for six months like how do you get in the frozen rats at some point like look in a bag and say like hey is that a frozen mouse what's uh what's not all about why are there a bunch of frozen mice on the freezer what's going on oh today's podcast is also brought to you by Blue Apron Blue Apron just one of the very best meal delivery services available I'm sorry I'm trying to get an actual sponsor okay I'm trying to like model what it would look like if we had proper sponsorship on this podcast.
One of uh Caitlin Hofmeister the producer of SciShow suggested that we have our fake sponsors be brought to you by a real sponsor so that's what we be like the Smith podcast is brought to you by Secret Snakes which is brought to you by Audible.com Secret Snakes they're wrapped around every but wrapped around Devons Middle and they're brought to you by Audible the world's largest resource for your audio entertainment I just want some real I just want some real sponsors uh you have to do the last fake sponsor okay though our final fake fake sponsor of the evening is uh peeing wherever uh but not in a toilet though because that's it's not good for the hydrological cycle or something yeah also you don't want to pee too near like uh like uh like uh you know a river or a lake because you don't want to be worse than any way uh Hank I want to ask a question this question comes from Dallas but I think I might have asked too many of the recent questions so I think I'm gonna ask you to read it so it seems like you're picking it okay John one last question before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon this is from Dallas who asks Dear Hank and John Facebook has a feature that allows you to see what you posted on that day in the years past and I'm always so interested in what I was doing at this time in the past when I look at 2016 and 2015 nothing has changed in the way I post that much only in that I post on Facebook maybe once a week rather than once a day when I go back further than just a couple of years we meet high school Dallas she was a terribly embarrassing human she thought that it was hilarious to post only the punch line to an inside joke with absolutely no context she also saw fit to narrate her daily life with posts like just got from just got home from school super hungry hm you I don't know what hm you is what hm you stand for I don't know hey let's stop everything and figure out what hm you stands for before we answer the rest heat my uranium hm you does it does it stand for hold something like hold my unicorn it's hit me up hit me up like uh hit me hit me attack the way you can hang out yeah hit me up okay I'm completely ashamed to admit that Dallas is in I'm completely ashamed to admit that that Dallas is in fact me why did I do this in my youth is that something everyone did in high school or is it just something that people did in 2010 to 2014 perplexed and perturbed Dallas hey I don't know how you feel about this but I feel like that has that pattern has continued in my life well yeah where you're looking back at like who you were five years ago and you're like oh yeah hmm pretty cringy there's some there's some cringe there it's not it's not like uh it's not like uh it's not like this particular thing Dallas you're gonna have to learn this it's not that you like we're doing a particular thing just got home from school super hungry hm you know uh that person is cringy not because of that particular behavior but because uh you know go hang out with a person who's four years younger than yourself and you'll be like there's a reason why I don't do that yeah I mean I feel like my past selves were all huge embarrassments to me but I also feel that my present self will never be embarrassing to future me because present me is so cool common collected but I've always felt that way but like yeah I look back at my high school self and I am so grateful that uh the things that I wrote and thought in high school were not archived on Facebook to reappear once a year when I wrote them uh and even like when I look back at looking for Alaska or even paper towns I feel a little even the fall in their stars at this point like when I look back at my old work I always just feel like oh god oh no oh yikes did you really did you really uh did you have to like when I look back at looking for Alaska I and I only you know have glanced at the actual text of the book in the last 10 years but like did you have to use the verb deadpan 12 to 15 times did you did you have to was it that grade of a verb yeah uh there really should be like a piece of software you can run your book through to make sure that you don't use a word way way way more than it is used on average and if you do then you weren't making that oh no yeah to be clear though my publisher Jewish dress gable was like you need to stop using the word deadpan in this book like it appears like 14 times and that's probably 13 times too many and I was like you don't understand deadpan is the verb of right now it is the way to describe how people of right now talk and you don't get it because you don't have your finger on the pulse of America's youth the way I do and now I'm just like oh my god oh well congratulations congratulations on ruining looking for Alaska for absolutely everyone with that analysis now and I can I will never be able to read the book again without searching for deadpan's I will say that I think that we're much more critical of our past selves than we are of actual people who are that age in my experience when I like look at when I look at like me from high school I'm like ah whereas when I look at an actual current high school student I'm like you're pretty cool so that's interesting they're just trying to figure stuff out that's the thing like you know when you said now that I understand what h and you means like what what high school Dallas was trying to do was you know like connect to people which is a good thing to do and when high school Dallas is posting the punchline to an inside joke with no context like high school Dallas is really trying to connect to the few other people who will get that joke and feel like they're on the inside of something because like when you're a teenager you really want to feel like you're part of a community that cares about you and like you have a special relationship with your friends yeah I don't judge that Dallas at all by the way but high school me was a total total cringe factory yeah I mean it's also it's interesting that like we we think of ourselves as this like as like the me that I have right now continues back into the past in a way that it doesn't actually do like I am different from what I was back then and that's part of the cringe is like being like oh that's not who I imagined myself to be but I that is me and I have to come to terms with that and that's fine and like maybe you should spend a little time trying to try to be a little more forgiving to pass to Dallas because you're going to change in the future and you should be okay with those changes in whatever directions they're they're taking you I'm still not there I have to say that sounds like a lovely sentiment but it seems impossible to actually make happen in my life hey what is the news for Mars and AFC Wimbledon so at the end of every podcast for those of you who are new we give you the news from Mars which is a planet and AFC Wimbledon which is a third-tier English soccer team do you want me to go first because I'm ready yeah go ahead Hank just yesterday as we're recording this not as you're listening to AFC Wimbledon played Rockdale or possibly Roachdale or possibly Roachdale Rosianne how do you say Roachdale Roachdale apparently but British are and Hank as you will recall AFC Wimbledon we're only a couple of points away from certain safety in League One meaning that we get another season of League One football ahead of us and what should happen in that game in the 44th minute there was a red card from a Roachdale Roachdale I still can't remember even from five seconds ago player and that red card led to that player being sent off whereupon AFC Wimbledon in quick succession scored three goals one of which Hank was a penalty and the penalty taker who ended up being Dean Parrot was decided when Lyle Taylor and Dean Parrot did a game of rock paper scissors to decide which of them was going to take the penalty nice Dean Parrot won that game of rock paper scissors scored the goal AFC Wimbledon win 3-1 now after 40 games with just six games remaining in their League One season AFC Wimbledon are on 54 points and basically well I will say it at this point they are assured of safety one more season in the third tier of English football for Wimbledon Huzzah. Hurden Congratulations that's good that's very exciting that's very exciting I'm sorry that you're probably not moving up but maybe if you just win everything and but but hopefully what it what it means is that AFC Wimbledon will continue to have more money to spend on on its players on its fans on its pitch and that's that's good for everybody you know what else is good for everybody John what water you know how there's water on Mars right like there's currently lots of frozen water on Mars but also that we have lots of evidence that at one point there was lots of liquid water standing on the surface of Mars there were big lakes there was even potentially a giant ocean in some of the the lower lying northern parts of Mars and we have evidence and we have had evidence for some time of a massive tsunami so the cool thing about Mars is that like because there is no water now a lot of old things stick around for much longer than they went on earth because old stuff on earth gets washed away by the water because we have active plate tectonics that re-ships the surface of the earth and then we also have just water falling on earth dissolving stuff making mountains running to the ocean and etc so but you can see evidence of stuff hanging around on Mars from much longer ago because there is currently no hydrological cycle and also plate tectonics don't seem to be a thing so we have this evidence of this tsunami that occurred about three billion years ago and it is a massive tsunami talking like a hundred meter tall wave now the waves can be taller because there's less gravity but it was also a high speed thing so traveling at about 60 meters per second so a very fast very big wave of water that we have evidence of sort of slamming into various parts we could see all sort of all over areas of Mars so we know that there is a big ocean there because there has to be a big ocean for a tsunami to happen and we also now as of like this week think that we have found the crater that is that that was caused by the meteorite responsible for creating the tsunami which is pretty cool so we can see like sort of the tsunami radiating out of this one place in the in the uh the this large northern ocean which is sort of like the northern area like northern hemisphere of Mars is sort of more depressed i'm not entirely sure why but we think that there was a long-standing long-lasting ocean that was there a few billion years ago and that we can see um you know sort of like the deposits left behind by this tsunami and also potentially probably the like the actual crater that caused this event it's pretty freaking cool that is pretty amazing so some kind of large object hits Mars four billion years ago and there is a huge tsunami and we are able to know the approximate timeline in which all of this happened because science yeah and and like even like cool similarly it's a big enough meteor that like it blew the water out and then there was sort of a reverse tsunami as it came back into the hole that was left oh wow so there's like we can see evidence of both of these tsunamis the one that went out and then the one like this like sort of rebound tsunami that was smaller but still really substantial that is cool that is really cool so um that's Mars four yeah i mean that's that might be the coolest Mars news that we've had in the salt podcast that was fascinating thank you um we are now going to go record this week and ryan's uh our weekly podcast that you can get access to at patreon.com slash deer hank and john every week we uh record a brief podcast as a supplement to this one in which we talk about a ryan do you know what ryan we're talking about this week hank i don't i thought that was your job ryan adam's is it right adam's that's exciting actually and adam's i know a couple of ryan adam's facts already so i'm i'm i'm rear and ago well i appreciate you preparing in advance um well i said if you could get that over at patreon.com slash deer hank and john uh hank what have we learned today we learned that both hank and john have embarrassing signature stories though hanks exploring and of course we learned that uh the water that you use to water your lawn is drinking water uh we learned that h and u stands for hold my unicorn and lastly we learned that when you hear a couple having a fight over the phone do not yell advice across the hallway now you can only have advice to strangers in two situations while driving and traffic and while watching sports that's right all right thank you for pausing me thanks to everybody for listening you can email us at hankandjohn at gmail.com you can also use the hashtag your hank and john on twitter where hank is hank green and i am with some infrequency john green deer hank and john is produced by rosian hulson sharad and gipson our editors nicholas jenkins victorian jon is our head of community and communications and our music is by the great gona rolla and as they say in our hometown don't 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