92: Cewebrity

Hey, so something worth knowing is a benefit for the nonprofit organization that makes Crash Course and SciShow Complexly. It's September 16th, 2026 in Los Angeles, California at the Wilshire Ebell Theater. Please join us. It's going to be incredible.

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We're doing it in partnership with Joseph Fink and Jeffery Craner from Welcome to Night Vale and Alice in Dead and the McElroy brothers of Lots of different podcasts. John, I will be there doing a bunch of stuff including a live Dear Hank and John, but in order to know the full extent of what we can afford to do, we're launching it with an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign. You can find that right now at podcon.com. There are several different ticket levels and also a bunch of perks for people who can't attend including an audio collection of absolutely everything that happens at the event.

PodCon for people who love podcasts coming to Seattle in December. I hope we will hear you there and also see you there. And now on with a pod. Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

There's that for Think of Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers give you advice that is dubious and see your questions and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and day of C Wimbledon. I'm Hank. This is John.

How are you John? I'm all right. You know, I, hey, I have to tell you the honest truth which is that there is a little bit of me that wishes that in addition to having like opted out of Twitter, I could just not have my daily thoughts consumed so much by certain political leaders in the United States. But this is the reality that I'm living in right now and I'm just trying to make a go of it here at Grover Cleveland High School.

Do you get that reference? I don't. I do not. Oh my god.

It's to the best movie ever. I can't believe you've ever seen Rushmore. I have seen it, I think. Oh my god.

Even the idea that you don't know whether you've seen Rushmore is deeply upsetting to me. That's honestly worse than if you just hadn't seen it. I accept that that is the case. Do you know you want to know what's happening in my life, John?

I do very much. A young man who lives in my home, he's six months old, has learned how to grab my glasses and throw them across the room. Oh, yeah. So that's yeah.

He'll put them anywhere in his mouth. If there's poop nearby, he'll try to get it in that. And so I basically I'm getting ready for needing multiple pairs of glasses. This podcast, unfortunately, is not brought to you by Warby Parker, but there may be some some dealings with them in the future.

And by dealings, I mean, I'm going to maybe buy some glasses from them. I don't know that like having 17 pairs of backup buses is the best strategy. I think you just got to keep your face out of your kids mall. That's unpossible.

He is too cute for that. He has something to maw that needs a face in it. All right. I don't have any I don't have any short poems for today because I want to leave plenty of time at the end for the incredibly exciting news from AFC Wimbledon.

So let's just jump right in to questions from our listeners, Hank. All right. This one is from Amanda who asks, Dia Hank and John. It's D-E-A-H.

So she wanted me to say it that way. And I did. I'm currently a private tutor and elementary age kids and some of my students don't even have grammar instruction. But those who do tend to struggle with it.

Many ask why they need to know it. I tell them that it is important to understand how English works as a language because it will make their reading and writing skills better. But honestly, I'm mostly just trying to get them focused on their work. My question is this.

I'm skipping some stuff. How does technology change what grammar and for that matter, spelling and writing instruction look like in schools and how do I convince my students that it's important? Yours, Amanda. I think that grammar is important because what we're trying to do when we communicate with each other is communicate clearly.

And technology can help with that. But it can't construct a sentence for you yet. There's something about a really well-constructed, clear, concise, transparent sentence that is just absolutely magical and makes you want to do whatever the sentence tells you to do. And that to me is the secret of language.

If in this world, if you can write a good email, you can get a lot of things done. I definitely think that yes, I think that that is 100%. And I think that when I'm looking to hire someone, I'm looking at writing skills, even when the job is not involved in writing, I'm reading a cover letter. I'm looking at that.

And I know that that is important. But I don't know that it's necessary for me to know to be able to diagram a sentence for me to be able to write a good one. I don't know that it's necessary for you to be able to diagram a sentence, but you do need to understand what different parts of sentences do and how they do it and why they do it. And until that stuff is just kind of deeply ingrained and it is second nature, you do have to think about it.

I was talking with Henry yesterday about verbs. And I was like, so what is a verb, Henry? And he said a verb is something you can do. And I thought that was an interesting idea.

But then I was like, all right, so what's the verb in the sentence? Henry is awesome. And he was like, well, I don't know. And understanding what is does as a verb and what it doesn't do, I think is actually kind of important.

I agree that, look, when I was a elementary school student, I thought that grammar was the stupidest thing in the world, second only to algebra. But I use it now. And I think a lot about it now. And not only because I write books, but also because I write emails and love letters and lots of other things.

Yeah. And you got to know where that comma goes. And if you understand where the clause is, then that really helps with where that comma goes. All right.

I can't believe you didn't ask the following question first because it is obviously the most critical question we received this week. It's from Alicia or Alicia, or Alicia. I don't know how to pronounce your name. I apologize.

I'm just going to call you Ryan. Dear Green Brothers. I was born on an airplane and before you asked, no, not a commercial airplane, but rather a small passenger plane, specifically a Piper Seneca 3. This is the only sentence in the email, Hank, that specifically seeks to explain the circumstances in which this birth happened, which I find fascinating.

I'm looking at pictures of Piper Seneca 3's, John, and I got to tell you, there's not a lot of room to have a baby on there. Okay. The other thing about a Piper Seneca 3, Hank, that really struck me is that it doesn't have that big of a range. It's not like you can get in a Piper Seneca 3 and fly around for five hours.

So when the person who birthed you got on that plane, were they already in labor? Was that the goal? Was it an incredibly short labor? Or, alternately, were they already in labor and they were trying to get somewhere, like maybe, for instance, a hospital where you could have had a safer delivery, but at the end it all went down in the Piper Seneca 3.

The Piper Seneca 3, it's a very, very small plane. Yeah. So I've looked up the performance specs for the Piper Seneca 3, has a range of about 1,000 miles and a cruise speed of around 216 miles per hour. So we're talking about tops.

You could be in that plane for five hours before it had to land. So you're never going to be more than two and a half hours from an airport. So if your mother went into the labor right in the worst possible time, you would have had, like, you turn around and you could go back or you could go all the way to the final destination, it happened fast. This was a fast and this happened sometimes.

Sometimes you're like, oh, my water broke and then you're like, there's a baby head coming out of me. Like, it's unusual and it's a good thing, usually when it happens. But usually you're not on an airplane at the time. So I think we've gotten, for the most part to the bottom of it, it was a quick labor.

It was a quick labor, but I do have a follow-up question, which is that this plane only seats five passengers. If I have, and but it landed with six. I was going to say, like, I'm such a, I feel very strongly about plane safety as you know, Hank, and I feel very strongly that you should follow about the rules of plane safety, even if those rules don't necessarily make sense. And I would be freaking out if we started with five passengers and for the last hour we had, we had six because I would be like, that is, that is the pipe percent of three is not, it is not designed for this new creature.

I did not sign on for a flight with this thing. All right. Anyway, for a few years now, I've been trying to find the plane that I was born on as it is one of my life goals. I haven't come very close until about two months ago when I received more information about it.

The info I got was the plane's tag number, which you can search up online and you can find out where it is now. Here's my problem. The tag number I got says the plane crashed a year before I was born. Oh, which she then dismisses immediately by saying obviously that's not possible seeing as I was born on it.

Or is it unless it's totally possible and you're living in an alternate timeline and things just got really weird. Or, or, or sometimes plane, plane, crash and then they fix them. Sometimes it's not like it's like, like, it's like a car crash. Sometimes you can, sometimes it can be okay.

Yeah. One of my other rules, when it comes to plane safety is that I do not get on previously crashed planes. So, John, let me tell you a quick story. I know there's still in the middle of this question.

When I was in Haiti, I got an airplane. It was about the size of a 5% of the six or three. It might even have been one. And, but I think smaller even.

And I got in the plane and I was like, Hey, what's up, pilot man? And I was like sitting in the passenger seat because that's how small this thing was. So just doing my best to not touch anything because I had a steering wheel in front of me. Terrifying.

And, and I was like, bantering with the pilot. And I was like, so how are we even doing this? And he was like, you know, decades. And I was like, and obviously like never crashed.

So I shouldn't worry about anything. It was like, actually. And I was like, no, don't say actually. Don't do that.

And he had his plane had crashed like two weeks ago. And he had that not that not that plane, but the plane that he was flying. And like he showed me the missing teeth in his mouth that had been knocked out in the plane crash that he had recently been in. And I was like, well, was it a stormy?

Tell me all the reasons why that day is different from this one. Like all of the end. It was a fun. It was turned out to be a very beautiful and uncomfortable flight that I did not puke on at all.

I'm looking at the interior of a pipe of Seneca 3. And Hank, let me tell you, I would not want to give birth inside of this aircraft. Oh man, we're gonna have to put up a bunch of pictures on the Patreon, aren't we? On the other hand, it is a nice plane.

Now I personally do not believe in flying planes with two propellers. It's just, it's not in my, it's not one of mine. It's just not an, I don't, I actually, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's move on.

Okay. Upon more searching, I may have possibly found my plane, but it is now owned by an elderly man. And I found him not via the airplane tag number search, but through creepy googling. Should I contact this man and ask him about the plane and explain how I got his phone number or is that too weird?

Just trying to find my plane, Alicia. First off, Alicia, as far as I could tell, the one thing that we know for sure in this story is that this is not your plane. It is an old man's plane. It's either an old man's plane or it is a plane that's in like lost in the mountains of Alaska that you were born on six months after it was lost.

I suspect that it is the old man's plane and I am not an old man myself. He said hopefully, I don't know how old this elderly man is. You didn't explain it's possible that you're 16 and you think 39 is elderly. But if I were the owner of a pipe of Seneca 3, which is one of the things I hope most in life never to become, I would be absolutely delighted if a child who was born on my aircraft wanted to come and see the plane on which she was born.

But if you do that, I have one piece of advice which is to bring a portable hand held black light so you can maybe find some amniotic fluid and see exactly the spot where you came out. I mean, we were having so much fun and then you made it really gross. I think that'd be fun. I think it'd be really interesting.

No, it is. Maybe don't show the elderly man what you find. Here's, I don't think, I think the elderly man is going to be psyched about this 99 times out of 100 and then like the 1% of the time it's just like a crotchety old person who was going to be miserable about whatever you mentioned to them. I wouldn't necessarily bring up the creepy googling part.

I would just be like, I notice you have my plane. And then if they ask, you can just be like, oh, I was just searching on the internet. Old people don't really know what the internet is. So you don't know what the internet is.

Totally. Yeah, totally. Yeah, it's not going to know how creepy it was. You'd be like, yeah, it's the internet.

I just looked you up on the makeup name of a website like Cobbular. That's a pretty good name for a website. Is that is Cobbular.com taken? It could be home for our new search business.

Cobbular.com is available. Hanks. It's a B-U-L-A-R dot com. Cobbular dot com.

The hot new website from the Green Brothers. It's where you can find all the year lost planes. Cobbular.com is a great idea for that. That sounds like a proper made up company.

Well, what does Cobbular mean in Spanish? Must be nothing or else it'll be taken. What about Cobbular? I have a guess at what Cobbular means in Spanish.

I'm going to look it up. It's copulate. It's to copulate. Okay, well, we're not doing this.

This is Cobbular, which is a completely different company and is a made up word. Like, you know, Uber or Lyft with a lie. It's just a made up company named Cobbular. It's our exciting new e-commerce project that we can't tell you about.

Just get it at redirects.dftba.com. Boom. This is a Pisk question comes from Drew who asks Dear Hank and John, this June, I'm marrying the love of my life. However, we're having difficult finding great items for our registry.

What are some amazing items you wish you had on your registry when you got married? Also, why does DFTBA not have a registry option? Thanks for bringing up our e-commerce systems. And by DFTBA, I'm sure you mean Cobbular.com.

Vowes and cows, Drew. Hank, what do you like? What are you like? The things that you got for your wedding.

Are there any of them that when you look at them, you think about the person who got you that fondly? Because that's what you really want. Like, you want something that it's not just like useful. It also connects you to somebody you love.

John, you're reaching terrifyingly close to a thing about me that I'm not super proud of, which is that I don't really think about things enough for after, 10 years of marriage to have any connection to any of the items that I was given for my registry, including the ones that you purchased for me. I have no idea what I got. You don't feel weird about that. But do you remember, like, are there things that you got for your wedding that have proven useful to you?

Or do you not even know what you got at your wedding versus what you just bought at Target six months later? I know that I got my silverware and my plates for my wedding. And we do use those all the time. I don't know who bought them, but I am glad to have them.

And they've lasted us a long time. Things have broken, but not so much that we can't, like we don't have a good info set. And they were purchased at Macy's. And we had a registry at Macy's.

And I believe that's where our knives came from as well. I will say a very good knife is something that something that I didn't get for a long time, including for my registry. And I wish I had gotten on my registry. My most used appliance in the house is my soda stream, which turns regular water into carbonated water.

So they don't have to buy carbonated water. And I would just don't tell that to our future sponsors, LeCroy. Yes. Well, you get the excellent pop lemousse flavoring.

If you can't get that without LeCroy. Okay. And that's what that's their new tagline. If you have a soda stream, you're never going to get pop lemousse without LeCroy and brought to you by LeCroy, everyone.

It's surprising to me that you don't work in advertising. But, uh, okay. So I do, I do work in advertising. I just do it badly.

I agree. But not your like silver silverware. If you're a fancy person with actual silver, like that, that in my experience, you never end up using, but you're every day cutlery, you're every day plates. If you don't own that stuff already, you can register for that stuff.

People will be happy to get it for you probably. Hopefully, if you do own that stuff, then you might be in a situation where you don't actually need to register for that much stuff, in which case, maybe you could just raise money for your honeymoon. If you want to go to nice honeymoon or raise money for a charity that you care a lot about, like have people donate, uh, you know, like farm animals through, uh, Hefford International or something like that. I've known a lot of people who do that, and I think that's really cool.

The gift that I received, Hank, that has meant the most to me through the years. So Sarah's got an uncle, Uncle Baxter. Baxter's an amazing guy. And we received, uh, these monog, we didn't register for them.

We just received them one day. These monogrammed highball glasses that, you know, you drink like, uh, mixed drinks out of. And I was never a person who like, I never even knew what a highball glass was, you know? Like, when I wanted to make a mixed drink, I drank it out of my Alvin in the Chipmunks glass from 1986, just like a regular American, you know?

But when I got these monogrammed highball glasses that have like our shared initials, S and JG on them, and by the way, I should add that Uncle Baxter did not get us like four monogrammed highball glasses or eight. He got us like 40. And I'm not exaggerating. Uh, in fact, I've broken a lot of them over the years.

And the great thing is that there's this like box that essentially has an infinite supply in our basement. There is a box of infinite supply of monogrammed highball glasses. And every time I drink a glass of scotch or something, I'm like, man, Uncle Baxter, he knew the person I was going to become before I did. I'm sorry.

I like the idea of an infinite supply of something. Like something that might not, and you're just like, look, you never have to worry about this again. You're just, you could break one of these every day, like just like, like Thor, your drink every time. I'll have another.

Well, you don't want to Thor your drink every time. I mean, we would run out of them if we did that. But yes, I understand. You're correct in theory.

You know what occurred to me is what if I just registered for his stuff on Amazon pantry, like paper towels and baked beans, like the things that I really need? No, because the whole idea of the wedding registry is that it's stuff that lasts, like stuff that you buy once in your life. Anyway, that's my understanding of it. Like, I really like that.

Although I have to say, we just got, we just got rid of our plates that we've had for 10 years because I had to photograph my food every day for 100 days. And by like day 98, Sarah was like, we're getting new plates. And I was like, why? And she was like, our plates are horrible.

They were, they were kind of horrible. So we've got all new plates. Hank, I've got a new question for you. Okay.

It comes from Sam. He writes Dear John and Hank, what are your thoughts on the word content in reference to internet video? I've heard a lot of people dislike it, but I'm not totally sure why. Is it because it commercializes art?

Are art and content different? Jenga. Sam, what a great sign off. Is Jenga something you say while playing Jenga?

Like every time you put the thing on the top, you're like, Jenga, like Una or something? Or is that just a? I'm not totally sure. It's been a while.

I got to confess it. It's been sometimes since I played Jenga and it's been even longer since I played Jenga by the official Jenga rules. Jenga is a really great made up word, like like, popular. It's not as good as Kavular.

Maybe Kavular will be our version of Jenga. But it's made out of corn. Oh, that's pretty good. It's not great.

But it's headed in the right direction. Maybe Kavular will just be a place where we sell high-quality sweet corn year round. Yeah, it's like corn of the month club. Kavular.

The corn of the month club and Kavular not calm. Oh, you're going to get corn from every country in the world. You're going to get artisanal heirloom corn. I mean, and it's going to be so sustainable.

It's going to be so sustainably farmed. And then the only part of it that's not sustainable is the part where we put it on a plate. I am afraid it to you. And ship it to you overnight in a totally unsustainable package.

Yeah, yeah. But this farming part, completely organic. It was in Kazakhstan. It was organically very sustainably farmed in Kazakhstan.

And then we put it on a planet for it to America. We put it on another plane and flew it to your house. Oh my god, Kavular.com is the question of your corn of the month. Hank, finally, we have a business that's going to not lose money.

Sorry. What was the question? I don't remember. Oh, content.

Yeah. I don't know. I just think that it's a commodification, which people don't like to have their work commoditized, which is something that we are finding out more and more. I think it's commodified.

Yeah, sure. I believe you. When you take something and you're like, this was something that you worked really hard on and now it's like now put it in a box with a thousand of it looks exactly the same. You're like, oh, I guess I'm not that important.

I'm just like a cog in this machine. And that is kind of what content sounds like. You hear about content farms where people just churn out words that can then be advertised against for the lowest price possible so that we can try and keep this economy going on the internet, which is a hard place to make an economy work. But it is content.

I just think that it's kind of come to mean a slightly different thing and that can give people a bad feeling. I don't mind it. Yeah. My feeling is that, well, I always think about whenever I think about the word content, I try to hear it for the first time.

And if I were hearing it for the first time, I would be like, oh my god, barf. And because I remember when I first started dating Sarah, I knew nothing about contemporary art. I read a couple of books to try to look like I wasn't an idiot when I was hanging out with Sarah because she worked in an art gallery and a lot of her friends were art people. And I knew nothing of that world.

It was totally foreign to me. And when I would hear them talk, I noticed that when they were talking about an individual work of art, they would always say this piece. And I would just be like, that's dumb. Why don't you just say this artwork or this thing or this work of art?

Why is it always this piece? And then when they were talking about an group of pieces, they would say this artists work. And I would just be like, oh, come on. Like the distinction between work and piece is so annoying and weird and gross and particular.

And it sort of exists to create a group of people that are inside and a group of people that are outside. And yeah, so I totally get it. Because when I hear the word content for the first time, or if I can sound, if I can put myself in the mindset of hearing it for the first time, I would be like, ooh, but now I'm so used to saying it, that we make content online. What is that noise in the background?

I don't know. I think it's just on the phone. I don't think that it's on the recording. I sound like you're shuffling cards in my ear.

Yeah, I hear it too. I don't know what it is. Are you shuffling cards? Nope, I'm just sitting here.

Because I'm trying to like, I'm wondering, are you playing with me right now? Are you playing a game with me? Is this like the thing where it's a ****er, Alicia's parents made up a tag number of a crash plane and said that that's where she was born? I don't think so.

I hear it too. You're gonna have to do some you're gonna have to do some you're gonna have to do some bleeping. Okay. I don't know what it is.

You know what? I'm gonna try not to call what I make content anymore. I'm just gonna call it well like of the of the things of the lingo of my industry that is not the one that bothers me so much. Like I hate influencers so much more.

Yeah. And industry actually. I really hate like my industry. Like what you just mean like you're the little pond in which like you think that you are a big fish because the pond is so incredibly good.

Eat it boy. I also like there was a while when people were using the phrase web leopardy and I was just like okay I'm gonna leave and never come back. If that's all right. I love leopardy.

I mean I mean I am a internet sensation so so leopardy. I mean just the idea like so what do you do for a living? Well I'm a celebrity. I'm sorry.

Did you say that you're a celebrity? No I did not. Unfortunately I would like to be a celebrity when I grow up but right now I'm just a celebrity. I'm dead.

You killed me. Today's podcast is brought to you by celebrities. So, we're just just trying to harvest some content in this sweet sweet industry. Five guests is also brought to you by the Piper Seneca 3 with a range of 1000 miles and a cruising speed of 260 miles per hour.

It is possible to go into labor and also have a baby before you land. And today's podcast is also brought to you by Cobbular.com Cobbular.com. Your number one source for the corn of the month club. And finally, five guests is brought to you by an infinite supply of high ball glasses.

An infinite supply of high ball glasses supplied by Uncle Bax. Oh man have you you've met my Uncle Bax haven't you? I think it's possible. Yeah he's great.

This episode of your Hank and John is brought to you by Shopify. There are a lot of things that stand between I have an idea and this is an idea that actually exists in the world and people are buying things from me. And that is what Shopify makes easier. When you start with Shopify, the tools, to design and launch and take payments, they're all there from day one.

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Jeez Louise you really got me going there. So let's see I'll never get off of celibre tea. I feel like we have to get off something very special. So I have to I just really quickly I have to say I did not coin the word so webrity.

I don't want to be credited with it. I wish that I were that genius but I don't know I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it came to me but I know for a fact that I did not think of it. I am not nearly clever enough to think of celibre tea.

So just to be clear about that. All right Hank. I'm going to move on to an extremely serious question because I've had enough jokey jokey questions. Okay.

Okay. Ready? Yes. All right.

This question comes from Maggie who writes deer john and Hank I'm 25 and I need dating advice and who else do I turn to but two married men in their late 30s. Late 30s. I'm 37. Oh gosh.

Yeah you're in your late 30s buddy. I mean the issue actually the surprise to me in that in that question was not that I'm in my late 30s but that I have a younger brother in his late 30s. I feel no alarm whatsoever being in my own late 30s but the thought that you're in your upsetting to me. I've gone on a few dates with this guy in that online.

I guess that's how people meet now and we've had a lot of fun and I like him and I think he likes me but he's super fit and I'm not like he has a six pack who even has a six pack that's not even real right? I agree. Take it from a guy who just exercised for a hundred days in a row. It is not even real.

He has a six pack and I eat tacos like all the time. I eat Maggie. I hope that those things aren't exclusive. I know I know I know I also I hope she's exaggerating slightly.

I mean if she's eating tacos like all the time that is some a bit of a concern. Well you want to make sure you get a balanced diet like sometimes you gotta have a burrito. I generally feel good about myself and my body but this has caused me to develop a complex of sorts. Do you have any advice to help me get over myself and just have fun dating?

Hopefully not forever alone Maggie. Judging from your email I think the reason that you're getting along well with this dude is that you're incredibly charming and funny and yes and you should own that and that's awesome. I have very rarely been more impressed by an email. Get a lot of them too.

It's interesting to think that being fit might be a detriment to some relationships. If you're too hot people are gonna be like this is gonna work out. I'm sorry. There's clearly something that's there's a difference here and I'm a taco fan so I'm just gonna go.

Also Hank I mean I am totally coming at this question from the perspective of a guy and also like an old guy who's been married for a long time but the question presupposes that there's only one kind of hot. There's only one sort of attractive and that's just not true. There's all kinds of different attractives and for different people and so I think you kind of got to let go of it. I think probably the, if you're having, I think it comes from the outside social order, right?

The social order is so specific about what constitutes hot and oh my god six packs they're so rare and hot and wow a six pack but not everybody likes six packs hopefully. Not everyone requires six packs at least. That's definitely clear and true and for sure. Yeah we could say with certainty that not everybody sees a six pack as a prerequisite.

Yeah well yeah I think that is an interesting question and I'm glad that we've answered and I feel like Maggie don't let it get in the way. Don't let that wall of abs interfere with this productive relationship that you're having with a nice young man. This question comes from Doug who asks dear Hank and John. My six-year-old told me that he wants to have a dude's day and I'm excited that he wants to have a father's son day but the problem is that we seem to have different ideas about what exactly we should do on a dude's day.

My idea is to spend the afternoon teaching him how to change the oil on my Jeep. We can bond while I teach him an important skill that my father taught me. Like when you were six? Doug?

No not when you were six man. His idea is to spend a day playing games and eating pizza in the company of a giant rodent. What should we do? Come on man Doug.

Yeah Doug I mean yeah the answer of course is that you got to change that oil. I mean that's a it's a no brainer. Yeah Chuck E. Chuck E.

Cheese is a it is a contaminant nightmare. I mean it is you want to talk about places that I don't want to see a black light applied to. Just you turn the black light on and it's Chuck E. Cheese and you're at a rave.

Yeah patient zero for every plague is Chuck E. Cheese like that animal. Yeah I mean so Doug I get it man like I have to take my kids at Chuck E. Cheese a lot and like the people who work at Chuck E.

Cheese are really nice and I think they have a hard job and so I don't want to say anything bad about Chuck E. Cheese but it's I mean the like the the number of stimulants the number of like just things that are happening at Chuck E. Cheese per minute. I was actually recently at Chuck E.

Cheese Hank and you know what I was thinking I was thinking there is absolutely no analog for this in the natural world. Like before like 70 or 80 years ago no human being had ever experienced what I'm experiencing right now. It's like kind of like a casino because there's a lot of noises happening. The carpet is is dirty and very colorful and then there's like a lot of just like sort of like blank-faced people staring into games hitting buttons over and over again except instead of it being gamblers it's children.

And they're just trying to they're just trying to win enough tickets to get you know some sweet tarts and I was trying to think like maybe like has did a human being before like about 1910 ever experience anything like being inside of a Chuck E. Cheese ever and maybe like once somebody was swimming and like a huge number of swordfish swam around them and sort of like attacked them all at the same time and then disappeared and maybe that was like a brief moment of like Chuck E. Cheese but like there is no analog for it in the actual lived world pre-1920 and I think that says a lot about how stressful it is for a lot of people especially like definitely stressful for me. So I get it so what you have to do is you're going to pretend your kids going to pretend to be interested in changing the oil for an hour you're going to like try to teach them they're not going to learn anything and then the whole time they're going to be like is it time yet is it time yet is it time yet and you'll be like no we've got to finish this and then when you finish it then you have to take from Chuck E.

Cheese it's a both and situation not in either or situation. I mean definitely like the idea that you would do either of these things without pizza is just ludicrous. Actually the pizza Chuck E. Cheese is pretty good.

Yeah so like even if you got to you got to even if you're changing the oil you should do that while eating pizza in the company of a giant rodent. I don't know where you're going to get the giant rodent but obviously that's an important part of the childhood experience so get one. That's terrible advice from somebody who has a six month old. Yeah I mean he's basically kind of like a giant rodent now.

Your kid? Yeah he's a very big. Nah he's not it's like actually you know skilled as a rodent. No I would argue though that he's also much larger than any living rodent.

Well that is like that is demonstrably untrue John. There are many very large rodents. Please don't I don't actually you know what I have no desire whatsoever to learn about rodents that weigh more than ten pounds ever period end of story with move on to the next question. This question comes from Alyssa who asks dear John and Hank this is more of a question for Hank but if there is an earthquake on Mars would it still be considered an earthquake?

Oh so that comes to the question of whether we're calling the ground of Mars Earth in the way that we call it. We already have discussed on a previous episode of the poll. We've made too many of these things. But no I think you would I know for a fact that there are earthquakes on the moon and we call the moonquakes so I imagine that earthquakes that take place on Mars are called Marsquakes.

Boo! Okay it's over. Alright man we're gonna get through all the questions. It seems unlikely.

Okay John final question before we move on to the news from Mars and I have seen one of these questions from Ryan an actual Ryan who asks dear Hank and John my name is Ryan. I have enrolled in will attend my state university in the fall and a few of my friends from high school are also going. I plan to be roommates with my best friend Ryan. Oh my god that's amazing.

I don't know if I believe it. My question is do you think I should try to maintain my circle of friends or start over and try to meet new people in college? Don't forget to be Ryan Ryan. It's such a Ryan way to write an email too.

We put five Ryan's. Very Ryan said in email. Yeah I mean obviously if your best friend is named Ryan and you're gonna be roommates like you're doing a pretty good job of figuring out who your friend should be. You're crushing it on the Ryan front and I would say that you probably just want to keep going trying to meet as many Ryan's as you can and make it into a thing.

Like maybe you guys can form some kind of like fraternity or social organization. Like Ryan's specific. Ryan's. There's a lot of you guys.

I will say like it can be easy to get sucked into and stick with the same like comfortable social group even if like you are aware that you aren't seeing the full possibility or having the full range of human connection that you might be having at a college and that it is good to try and connect to people who are in the same program as you or in the same classes as you or into the same things as you and but managing that is hard. Managing like multiple friend groups and like having an established one and then sort of like how much time do I spend with my old friends versus my new friends and that's like it's a legit it's a legit thing that you will struggle with and I just say like know that it's a struggle but it's worthwhile to do. Yeah I didn't know anybody. There was one guy from my high school who went to my college and we stayed friends but but it was only one guy so it wasn't uh it wasn't your best friend Ryan.

It was not no it was not a Ryan. Hey before we get to do this from our agency we'll then very quickly I just want to read this amazing email from Jennifer who writes Dear John and Hank after hearing the story of Emma and her dilemma that was a woman whose name is Emma but with three M's because of a typographical error made by a careless county clerk somewhere I needed to share. My brother is named Benjamin not Benjamin. Benjamin as his big sister I've often been asked why this is our mother had the flu when she gave birth and our father was at work so an ill mother gave my brother his name and he has never changed it.

Benjamin. Benjamin's actually a pretty cool name it's much I have to say Benjamin is much better. That seems like particular and specific in a way that Emma just seems like a mistake. I don't know man.

I don't know I I remain on the side of keeping that third M because what else do you have? You have presumably like the rest of your life. Okay first let's get to the news from A.C. Wimbledon because it's extremely important A.C.

Wimbledon Hank as you you will remember the last time that we recorded podcast together A.C. Wimbledon had not scored a goal in the month of April and they had one game remaining against Oldham and it didn't matter from the perspective of staying up because they'd already secured enough points to stay up all day but but they did want to score a goal in April because otherwise it would have been impossible to have a best goal of April celebration on account of how there were no goals in April despite playing one two three four five six games in April but what happened instead of scoring a goal is a nil-nield draw. A.C. Wimbledon is super exciting.

Complete the month of April. A.C. Wimbledon complete the month of April. Goal is a heroic and extremely rare feat for a football club to play six games with no goals.

That means that for the last I believe 540 minutes of A.C.W.M. and but it doesn't matter A.C.W.M. and staying up in League 1 it's an incredible accomplishment. They finished the season 15th in League 1 just below middle of the table a really extraordinary accomplishment for a team with one of the smallest budgets in the league and the smallest stadium in the league so I am happy and excited and excited to move forward into the off season.

We call this the silly season Hank because it's when all the trade rumors start happening and it's very very exciting. Well I yeah I mean I don't know if you listened to the last week's podcast but mine had a bunch of information on some players that you were definitely losing which hopefully will free up some some capital for the acquisition of new folk. Yeah yeah no I think the big one is the goalkeeper James Shea yeah but but it's what was what was that about why you got why you get rid of James Shea? Money I think it's about too too expensive or I well I don't know I listen I really don't know and they didn't say but from everything that I've heard he is a consummate professional and extremely well liked and and a really great guy and hopefully will land on his feet somewhere it's like the nature of football though man it is really hard to stay at a team for a long time these days what's the news from Mars?

So you know how on the surface of Mars there's a lot of radiation because it doesn't have a magnetic field to protect the surface from the sun's sun's harmful race well yeah well there are some places here on the surface of Earth that also have a lot of radiation and and we are looking at those places to see how things manage to live there despite the tremendous not just a despite but but also have evolved to live in places where it would be very difficult to live if you didn't have some kind of protection from radiation those places being former nuclear reactors that went critical so Chernobyl and and the one in and Fukushima right which I almost forgot the name of okay so Chernobyl and Fukushima are two places where you're like life should stay away from that but there are there are some species that have evolved to be able to live there and seem to have some have evolved some traits that make them resistant to radiation particularly a fungus so this is true of bigger of complex organisms like mice too but but this fungus it seems to even prefer to be around radiation and we don't know if it prefers it or if it's just that the niche is open and so it moves on in because it's capable of dealing with it but there was just a year long experiment on the ISS looking at this mold and and some other and some other fungi sorry I have a cold I'm getting over it so that there was just an experiment on the International Space Station looking at a bunch of different molds that have evolved to do well in the presence of a lot of radiation one to see how they might function on the surface of Mars two to see what kinds of adaptations life on other planets that don't have a strong magnetic field might need to have and three to maybe help get the powers of those molds either into people or helping people and that might be in the form of like a long time from now like genetic modification or in creating some kind of like fungi based sunblock to protect humans from the the harmful effects of long-term exposure to radiation which they would undergo both on the surface of Mars and on the way there and back so you would slather yourself in fungus to get ready for the your big Mars trip yeah and the fungus would be like awesome hit me with that radiation man wow I mean that makes me want to go to Mars so one of the things that they're thinking about doing is radiation resistant genes this is what the scientists said can be incorporated into yeast cells that produce beer so that humans are willing to go to space they will have better beer to drink and that might even protect you from radiation well actually just cancel i'm back in all right heck we have to go we have to go record our bonus podcast this weekend ryan's but what do we learn today well before we get to that i just want to say that if you want to subscribe to this weekend ryan's you can do so by supporting this podcast five dollars a month help us help us stay real sponsor free just kidding we're desperately waiting for those real sponsors to come on board but you can over at patreon.com slash deer hank and john every week we talk about a ryan hank who's ryan this week are we are we ruining it are we ruining the surprise no it's not a ruin of the surprise because the blisters of this week and ryan actually get it slightly before they get deer hank and john oh okay well this week's ryan i think john is going to be ryana it's brilliant hank it's i mean it's your greatest work it's your magnum opus it's your cobbular.com i mean of this weekend ryan's all right what do we learn today well of course we learned that cobbular.com is totally a thing that you can go to right now and totally buy stuff on we learned that you can eat a lot of tacos and still have a boyfriend with a six pack uh and of course we learned that uh you you too when you grow up if you work hard and play your cards right and get a little lucky might end up with celebrity and finally we learned that john really does not want to know about the existence of two hundred pound rodents that live in south america they're cottie barra john they're super cute you should check there is not a two hundred pound rodent on this earth is there really there's a bunch of them oh good willard save me thanks for potting with me hank and also for doing that thing that i specifically asked you not to do yeah i'm a vet this podcast is edited by nicholas jakins it's produced by rosion hall rohas and sharid and kipson our social media manager is victoria bonjourno music it's from the great gunerole you can email us at hankajon at gmail.com where we will answer your questions john and i are also on twitter at hankgreen and at john dreen and other places on the internet we are always excited to see you if you'd like to support the podcast and also get this weekend ryan's which is our short ryan based podcast you can do that at patreon.com slash d or hankajon and as they say in our hometown don't forget to be awesome