95. A Schema Therapy Take on Defensiveness & How to Reduce it.

Send Gemma a messageSchema Circle Membership - Join Now! Information about private therapy/coaching with Gemma or Justine email us: [email protected] In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.Key Points:Defensive Phrases:Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.Impact on Relationships:Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.Triggers and Responses:Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.Behavioral Patterns:Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.Counterattacking or withdrawing.Underlying Causes:Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.Identify triggers and feelings.Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.Practice responding calmly and reasonably.Practical Exercise:Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassionate inner dialogue. Reflect, identify triggers, and practice calm responses to improve relationship dynamics.CONNECT WITH USThe Red Flag Project: a place for women to do the self-development they need to choose loving, respectful relationships.InstagramFacebookClick the link below to find out more about our online dating course, our course on schema chemistry and how to break free from love-traps and our online membership The Schema Circle.Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theredflagprojectSchema Therapy for Life: For anyone who wants to become their own pattern-breaker using the wisdom and clarity of Schema Therapy.InstagramFacebookClick below for more information on our online membership The Schema Circle - the first membership to help you break free from your unhelpful patterns using the wisdom of Schema Therapy.Linktree: https://linktr.ee/schematherapyforlifeSupport the show🎓FREE LIVE MASTERCLASS - Why smart women override red flags in dating😊Love Wisely Foundations is here! Enroll now for this one of a kind guided program🩷 Join Love Wisely PRIORITY List  ✅Dating App Profile CHECK-UP🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide💛 Elevate You Worth (50% off only for listeners) - Use coupon WORTHY Connect with Me 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com 📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here