#97: His Processing - Personal Not Private

As I listen to the first part of this episode, I am so thankful we aren't where we were five months ago with our little puppy.  I will say - we are still considering getting rid of him because while he is much easier for us than he was five months ago, he is still a LOT.  I was giggling with how I was pronouncing words like diarrhea and nope.  Don't mind me!   In this episode, we wanted to talk about this concept that his recovery, and more specifically his processing is personal but not private.  Jason talks about some men are told that certain things shouldn't be shared - whether it's what he is processing in between sessions, what he shared in groups, with his therapist, etc.   Since the acting out was in private, if we also do our recoveries in private - then we are perpetuating one of the issues that got him here in the first place:  living life in a container.   Here are some suggestions for men that are doing some decent recovery work:   - Let her have a choice as to if she wants to hear what he is processing. - She can't be the container he always dumps into - there is a balance between dumping and working toward vulnerable intimacy.  It's something we learn as we go and Jason speaks to this in the episode. - Awareness of "for" versus "at" when it comes to her emotions after he shares - if he is mad at her, it might show his deeper motivation was not from a place of being fully known (versus from a place of well, she told me she wanted to know what I was processing…). - Awareness of data versus experience when it comes to what he shares - we are looking for intimacy and vulnerability and his experience of himself in what he shares, not just the logistics of the day. - Awareness that when he comes to her to share - it's a LOT for her - take it from me.  So tenderness is critical.   For those men that insist on needing privacy - Jason, being who Jason is and seeing the gray says - "okay, great, if you need this for a season".  I then say:  I think it needs to be less than a season.  More like here and there but always with the goal of coming back to being fully known and without containment.     Bottom line:  His demand for privacy is a barrier to the relational recovery.  The end.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. Masterclasses for men for June include Foundations of Freedom and Handling Her Triggers. Follow the links to sign up! We will be planning the next RLW Retreat soon.  Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know the dates and location for the next one (hopefully for this Fall!). The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April.  Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop. We are hoping to do the next Empowered Boundary class for women this summer. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast